


Your Enemies Closer

by angvlicmish, dreamwriting



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Castiel, Bullying, Child Abuse, Dom Dean, Dom/sub Undertones, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Homophobic Language, M/M, Rimming, Rough Sex, Sub Castiel, Top Dean, Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-14 05:27:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 173,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9164155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angvlicmish/pseuds/angvlicmish, https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamwriting/pseuds/dreamwriting
Summary: Dean Winchester is Castiel Novak's enemy. It's been that way since Dean rocked up at Castiel's high school a few years ago. Now they're in college and it still remains that way. It will always remain that way. Even if they start having sex. Then it would just be enemies with benefits. Nothing more.Right?





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! For anyone wondering the account (angvlicmish) is where I will post everything I've written - short ficlets and my longs fics - and my other account (dreamwriting) is where I will be posting just my longer fics. Sounds confusing but I just wanted my longer fics in one place by themselves as well as on my main account!

"Oh, look. The nerd's at a party! Must've got the wrong address. Library's that way, Novak," Dean shouts above the sound of the music, erupting in laughter along with his friends.

Castiel rolls his eyes. "Impressive, Winchester. A plus for originality. No wonder you failed English class in high school," Castiel deadpans, smirking to himself when Dean's laughter fades and his eyes turn hard. When Castiel places his cup down and turns to leave the kitchen he even hears Michael say, "Damn, Winchester. Novak just fucking owned you."

Castiel wishes it could always be like that. Well, most of the time it is like that but that doesn't mean that Dean's constant bullying doesn't affect him. He tries not to let it but sometimes it seeps past his defenses. Unfortunately, the two of them have been stuck together for three years. Two years spent at the same high school and now one year spent at the same college. And it seems like wherever he goes, Dean is always there. And it doesn't help that he's ridiculously attractive. It does fluctuate depending on how much of a dick he is but what Castiel found out soon enough was that he's most attractive when he's angry. Not that Castiel would ever admit it.

"Hey, Cassie! How you liking the party? Met anyone yet?" Gabriel asks, wiggling his eyebrows. Castiel huffs. 

"No, Gabe. I haven't." Gabriel's the only reason he's actually at the party in the first place. He's never really been to a full on college party before. He'd much rather be back at his single dorm alone with a book. So yeah, maybe he is a nerd but at least he's not a dumb jock whose only purpose in life is to drink, play football and bang every chick who paws at their feet. Example: Dean. Oh, and bully the nerdy guy.

"What's got your panties in a twist, eh?" Gabriel asks, taking a swig of his beer as he eyes up a few girls who run past.

"Nothing. I just need to get some space. I'll find you later." Gabriel chuckles at that.

"Good luck with that!"

Castiel decides to head upstairs, shimming in between drunk girls and guys yelling or making out as he makes his way up. 

The first door he tries is locked. Castiel thinks he can guess what's going on in there. The second one he opens to find another drunk couple pawing at each other. He would've been scarred except for the fact that it looked like they'd only gotten to taking each other shirts off. Castiel happily shuts the door and finds that thankfully the third one is open and empty. It's quite a large room, a queen-sized bed in the middle and an ensuite bathroom. There's beer cups here and there, but other than that it's pretty clean.

Castiel sighs, sitting down on the bed and letting himself flop back onto it. This whole night was a mistake. He shouldn't have come in the first place. He could've been back in his own bed watching Netflix all night, yet here he is. 

The click of the door opening has Castiel shooting back up into a sitting position to see who it is.

Castiel groans. "What are you doing here, Winchester?" he spits, leaning back on his hands as he watches Dean close the door behind him.

"What are _you_ doing here, Novak? The party too much for you to handle?" Dean retorts, crossing his arms over his chest. 

"Really, Dean?" Castiel says, standing up and taking a few steps toward him, into his personal space. "Are you really that much of a dull and boring human being that you can't even find anything fun to do at a party other than stalk the nerdy guy and throw poor insults at him?"

"Fuck you," Dean spits back, eyes filling with rage.

"Wow, Dean. Great comeback. Really effective," Castiel snaps, before walking past Dean, knocking harshly against his shoulder as he does.

Before he can reach for the door handle though he's being spun around a pushed back against the door. He lands with a heavy thud and then there are hands on either side of his face and he's being kissed roughly. Castiel's brain short circuits for a second. What on earth is happening? Dean is kissing him. _Dean Winchester is kissing him._

He is so fucked.

Because then Castiel is kissing back, opening his mouth slightly and as soon as he does, Dean's tongue is in there devouring him, biting at his lips and pulling them between his teeth. Castiel's hands come up to grab at Dean's hair and as if on cue Dean presses his body right up against Castiel's so that there's no space between them. A wave of arousal runs through Castiel as he feels Dean's length pressed up against his hip. 

Dean's hard. And Castiel still has no idea what's happening but he's not going to lie and think that he's never ever thought about what sex would be like with an angry Dean Winchester.

So, he moans loud when Dean's hands find their way under Castiel's shirt, pressing into his skin forcefully as if trying to leave marks in their wake. When Dean's hands find their way to Castiel's nipples, his head falls back against the wall, his lips leaving Dean's as they sound an, "Oh, fuck."

Dean's hands are quick to yank the shirt unceremoniously over his head, Castiel lifting his arms without a second thought. Once it's gone Dean takes a small step back and his eyes wander all over Castiel's naked torso with such intensity that has a shiver running up his spine. He doesn't stay there for long though, pinning Castiel back up against the door, his lips going straight to Castiel's neck. 

Dean's strong arms curl around his back and pull him up into his own body, making Castiel's back arch and lean up slightly on his tippy toes. It's undeniably hot and Castiel is starting to feel the hardness trapped in the confine of his own jeans grow as he clings his arms around Dean's neck.

Dean grunts, his mouth finally leaving Castiel's neck. "Fuck you and your stupid - fucking runner's body and your fucking --"

Castiel cries out as Dean bites down on his neck, not hard enough to draw blood but hard enough that he knows it's gonna leave a pretty big mark. Suddenly, a leg is being pushed in between his own and Dean is grinding it up against his cock. " _Fuck, Dean._  You need to - need to --"

He decides to take it upon himself considering Dean is too busy sucking hickeys onto Castiel's chest. He lets go of Dean and hastily pushes at the flannel shirt Dean has on. Once Castiel gets it to the crook of his elbows, Dean's arms are uncurling from behind Castiel and pulling it down the rest of the way until it's lying somewhere on the floor. 

Dean then takes his own initiative, lifting his plain shirt up and over his head before throwing it somewhere down to the side of them. Castiel barely gets a peek before Dean is crashing back into him.

"What? I don't get a fucking look but you do?" Castiel growls.

Dean only growls back. "Oh, fuck off! You can have a look when I'm fucking you into the mattress." Castiel's eyes flutter closed and if his cock wasn't already entirely hard it definitely would be now. All of a sudden though, Dean pulls back from marking up his chest and is eyeing Castiel with what seems to be a bit of a blush on his cheeks but it could just be the lighting. He grunts again, eyes now averting away from Castiel before saying, "That's only if you want to...you know..."

It's surprisingly soft and Castiel is about to smile but he can sense the growing discomfort in the room so he replies, smugly, "What? You not man enough to fuck me into the mattress, Winchester?" 

He knows he's done the right thing when Dean's eyes turn hard again and his jaw twitches. "Oh, you're gonna regret saying that." he says, his voice dropped another octave, his pupils dilating. Dean's lips are finally smashing into his again, biting and licking while his hands start to fumble with the front of Castiel's jean button and zipper. 

Castiel quickly does a blind fumble with his own hand until he reaches the door handle to lock it and make sure it stays locked. By the time he's done that Dean's pulling at his converse, ripping them off along with his socks and finally his jeans. Castiel revels in his own turn at pulling more of Dean's clothing off until they're both standing in front of each other in only their boxers, panting hard.

He has much more time now to admire Dean's upper body. His muscled chest and toned stomach making Castiel more thankful than he's ever been that Dean is a jock. And then he sees Dean's strong thighs and bowlegs up close for the first time, because it's not like he doesn't take a look whenever he sees Dean in his football shorts. He can only imagine how hard Dean can pound into him with those legs.

When Dean finally moves forward again and his hands come to hold under Castiel's thighs, he instinctually jumps up, wrapping his legs around Dean's muscly torso. The skin on skin is electrifying and he feels like every nerve ending is on fire. Their kisses are still rough, spit slick lips and tongues still tangling with each other as Dean leads them over to the bed. 

Castiel's thrown down on the bed, opening his legs wide to let Dean crawl up in between them. "You're so fucking hot. Can't wait to fuck your tight ass," Dean says, and for some reason Castiel finally blushes at that and even more so when Dean hooks his fingers in Castiel's boxers and pulls them down his legs and off, leaving him completely naked and at mercy to Dean's eyes. "Look at you, Novak. Even better when you blush."

"Oh, _fuck you, Dean_."

Dean smirks. "Someone's feisty."

"Just fuck me already, you asshole," Castiel says harshly. 

"If you say so." Dean retorts and then Castiel is being flipped over onto his stomach, strong hands grabbing each ass cheek and pulling them apart. Castiel feels slightly embarrassed for a moment before he feels a warm wetness lap over his hole and then he's moaning and gripping the sheets as tight as he can. "Fuck yeah, you like that?"

Castiel doesn't even get to respond before Dean's tongue is licking over his hole again. This time more than once and with much more fervour. Dean's hands grip his ass cheeks roughly, holding him down whilst his tongue prods and pokes at Castiel's rim. When it finally finds its way inside, Castiel is clenching hard around Dean's tongue and burying his face further into the sheets, his cock leaking precome against his stomach.

Suddenly the warmth leaves him and Castiel whines, making Dean laugh and swat at his right ass cheek. "Don't move," Dean commands, pulling at his hair slightly before getting off the bed and walking towards the ensuite bathroom. Castiel waits, trying to calm down his breathing as he listens to Dean shuffle around in there. A few seconds later though and Dean is sauntering out with a wicked grin and a bottle of lube and a condom in one hand. 

"You ready for my fingers, Novak?" Dean asks tauntingly.

" _Just hurry the fuck up_." Because Castiel's completely on edge, precome spilling out and mixing onto his stomach and they haven't even got to the good part. Castiel's only reply is Dean muttering something he can't understand and then there's a cold, slick finger pushing into his hole.

An embarrassing noise leaves Castiel's lips as the finger starts to thrust in and out. It doesn't take long for him to open up, letting Dean shove in a second and then a third finger, all thanks to Castiel's frequent sessions with his favourite toys. "That's enough Dean, I'm ready. Now fuck me," Castiel whines.

Dean must be too aroused at the moment for his lust filled brain to come up with a sarcastic response to that so he just pulls his fingers out, letting Castiel's hole clench around nothing, and flips him over onto his back.

Castiel is surprised to find Dean already naked, his boxers gone and his large cock fully hard and beading precome at the tip. His mouth starts to salivate slightly as he watches Dean jerk it a few times before pulling on the condom and lubing it up. Dean puts one leg up on the bed but keeps one foot on the ground and then Castiel is being manhandled until he's nearly flush against Dean, his legs splayed out to the sides giving Dean all the space he needs.

Castiel watches as Dean finally, _finally_ , guides his cock forward until it meets Castiel's entrance. Then there's pressure applied and Dean's head pops through Castiel's rim making him throw his head back with a moan. Dean slowly pushes in further and further, Castiel even grabbing his hips when he becomes desperate and fully sheaths Dean until his balls are slapping against Castiel's ass. There's a slight burn but not anything he can't handle. "Fuck, Novak. You always this horny for cock? Loved being stuffed full?"

Castiel clenches around Dean at those words, his cock dripping more precome. "Ah, fuck! You're so fucking tight. Knew you'd be so fucking tight for me," Dean hisses and then he's pulling nearly all the way back out and slamming back in. Castiel shouts, gripping Dean's bicep with one hand and grabbing Dean's thigh that's on the bed with the other as Dean starts fucking into him relentlessly.

'Uh, uh, uh,'s leave Castiel's lips in cries, his eyes clenching shut as pleasure courses throughout his entire body. Soon after though both of his hands are grabbed around the wrist and are being pulled up to lie above his head. Castiel whimpers, opening his eyes when Dean uses one hand to pin them there while the other rests half on the bed, half on his chest, his thumb flicking repeatedly over his nipple.

"Please touch me, Dean. I can't - _fuck_ \--" he cries as Dean finds his prostate and continues to pound it over and over again. " _Ah, Dean!_ Please touch me - _uh_  --"

Dean groans, loud and guttural before finally moving his hand from Castiel's chest, spitting on it, which is all kinds of hot, and then grabbing his leaking cock. Castiel whimpers and Dean's thrusts become even harder as he starts to jerks his cock. Castiel writhes beneath him, trying to squirm out of Dean's hold but Dean's too strong.

It's not very long after that Castiel feels that the heat in his belly is becoming too much and then, "Come on, come for me."

Castiel's orgasm is ripped from him, come spurting all over his own chest and Dean's hand as he punches out one final cry.

Dean moans, his hips stuttering. "Knew you'd look so pretty when you come. _Fuck, Cas!"_ Dean's mouth is hanging open and his chest is glistening with sweat as he pumps his hips a few more times before falling forward onto his forearms, leaving him just centimetres above Castiel. His arms are finally free from Dean's death grip but he doesn't have the energy to move them.

He just lies, completely fucked out, on the bed and stares at the ceiling. Dean's still panting and his breath is warming the side of Castiel's neck. The heat of it seems to bring him back into the moment.

What _the fuck_ has he just done?

And did Dean just call him Cas?

It seems that Dean is on the same wavelength as of now too because he suddenly jumps up, looking around hastily as if he doesn't know what to do next. He finally pulls the condom off, tying it and throwing it into a waste bin in the corner, next to the bathroom.

A moment after that he's trudging across the room, picking up his clothes and pulling them on as quickly as he can. Castiel takes it as his own cue, not really wanting to lie there naked with come splattered all over himself, and starts pulling on his own boxers and pants. The tension in the air is thick, only made slightly better by the loud sound of music and yelling coming from outside the locked door. Castiel doesn't think he could handle it if it was silent.

After he's done with shoving his feet inside his socks and shoes he looks around for something to wipe the drying come off his chest when he looks up to see Dean fully dressed and coming out of the bathroom with a towel that he's currently wiping his hand on. Castiel freezes awkwardly and watches as Dean comes right up into his personal space without making any eye contact and starts roughly wiping the come off his chest. 

Castiel's breath hitches and Dean must notice because his eyes flick up and they stare at each other for what feels like years. After a few thorough wipes, however, Dean's finished, balling up the towel and throwing it onto the bed, and then he's turning and walking towards the door.

Castiel clenches his jaw. No. They can't not talk about what just happened. As painful as it may be Castiel needs to know what the hell just happened. " _Dean,_ " Castiel says, reaching forward to grab at Dean's shoulder but just as he does, he's being grabbed by the arms, spun around and pushed back against the wall. This time when he lands on his naked back, it stings and all of a sudden there's a forearm across his shoulders.

"Don't you dare tell _anyone_ what just happened."

Dean's eyes are like steel, not at all like they were just a few seconds ago and Castiel can't seem to take his own away. He's too afraid.

In an instant Dean's lips are on him again - rough but this time seemingly more possessive and just like that they're gone again, Dean unlocking the door next to him, walking out and slamming it behind him without even a glance back.

Castiel stays pinned to the wall for a while, his mind blank. After a while he finds enough energy to pick up his shirt and pull it back on. For some reason, his chest aches and he doesn't know why. 

Half an hour later he finds himself undressing and curling up in his own bed. Castiel sighs, wills away the pain in his chest and falls asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go check out my [tumblr](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)!
> 
> Let me know in the comments if you want me to continue this au! I've thought about it but I'd love to hear it from you readers! <3


	2. Chapter 2

It’s been three days since the party and there’s been no sign of Dean. Castiel doesn’t know if he’s relieved or not.

The last few days have been a mess. Castiel can’t stop thinking about what happened. He still doesn’t even know what happened. Or how it happened or why it happened or if Dean said Cas when he came or if that was just a figment of his imagination. Yeah, he’s going insane.

Maybe Dean will never bring it up again and Castiel can just forget it ever happened. Castiel huffs as he browses through the book shelves of the library. Like he’ll ever forget what happened. 

Castiel shakes his head, walking along the aisle and browsing for a particular author. _Pratchett, Pratchett --_

Castiel’s eyes widen and his mouth hangs open a little before he’s able to school his features. Because standing right in front of him in the gap between the shelves is the one and only Dean Winchester.

“Hey, nerd. Knew I’d find you here,” Dean says, with the cockiest grin on his face. Castiel rolls his eyes.

“What do you want, Winchester?” Castiel replies, bluntly not taking his eyes away from Dean’s stupidly green ones.

“Well, I haven’t heard any rumours floating around about me the last few days so I’m guessing you didn’t tell anyone what happened.” Castiel's then reminded of the way Dean shoved him against the wall and threatened him before leaving the room but quickly shrugs it off.

“I think you’re forgetting who’s the dick here. If anyone would spread rumours it would be you,” he says, walking over to the next shelf.

“Oh, fuck off,” Dean retorts, following after him.

Castiel turns on his heel, getting right up in Dean’s face before speaking. “And I’m really sorry that you’re so closeted that you had to wait three days to make sure I hadn’t spread rumours about you being a gay before approaching me. I truly, truly, am sorry for you,” he says, sarcastically, placing a hand over his heart.

“Actually, it was more the part where it was  _you_  who I did it with.” Dean smirks.

“You’re such an asshole,” Castiel replies, shaking his head as he goes back to browsing the shelf. His chest hurts again. It shouldn’t affect him. It really shouldn’t. Because it’s Dean Winchester and he couldn’t give a care in the world about Dean Winchester. So why is it affecting him?

And why is Dean still here?

“What do you want, Winchester?”

Castiel brings a finger up to the spines of the books, dragging it along. _Pratchett, Pratchett…Pratchett!_ Finally --

Before Castiel can get his hands on the book he’s looking for, there are two hands on either side of his face, spinning him around and crashing his lips into someone else’s. No not someone else - Dean.

In an instant Castiel’s hands are on Dean’s shoulders pushing him away. A quick look both ways down the aisle shows that they’re alone. “What are you doing?” Castiel hisses, shoving Dean in the chest.

Dean’s the one who rolls his eyes this time. “C'mon Novak, I think you know what I’m doing and I think you know what I want. And I know that you want it too,” he says, a confident smile on his face as he raises his eyebrows.

Castiel runs a hand through his messy hair. No, this is ridiculous. He’s not going to keep having sex with Dean. It never should have happened in the first place. It was just a mistake.

Dean’s grinning again. “No. I’m not going to…do whatever it is that you’re thinking about doing. And why would you want to anyway? I thought ‘it was the me part that was the problem'?

Dean sighs. "Look, I’m not gonna lie. And this is also not to boost your ego but you’re a pretty fucking hot guy and the sex we had the other night was probably some of the best sex I’ve ever had,” he says, nonchalantly but then suddenly he steps forward, right into Castiel’s personal space. He takes a few quick looks down the aisle before turning back and snaking an arm around him to rest his hand on the top of his jeans, a few fingers brushing over his bare skin. “I mean, it does help that you’ve got a nice, tight ass for me. And I can’t help but get turned on when you’re all riled up. Still trying to stay on top even when you were writhing underneath me,” he whispers, his hot breath warming against Castiel’s cheek. A shiver runs through Castiel. Well, fuck.

Dean finally steps back, letting go of Castiel but not before smoothing his hand over the curve of Castiel’s clothed ass. “So, where’s your dorm?”

Castiel’s still standing frozen in the middle of the aisle. Raised eyebrows and another smirk snap him out of his daze. He's really getting sick of the confident look Dean always seems to be wearing. "Why does it have to be at my dorm?"

"Because I live in an apartment with my brother. And you have a single dorm. No roommate to worry about." 

Castiel's eyebrows pull together. "How did you know I have a single dorm?"

Dean smiles. "I didn't. You just seem like the type of person who would have a single dorm." 

Castiel shakes his head. "Fine. Give me your number and I'll text you."

"Looks like someone's eager to get my number."

"Fuck you."

Dean laughs, throwing his head back and Castiel can't help the way his lips twitch upwards. Castiel quickly pulls his phone out of his pocket, making a new contact named 'Asshole' and handing it to Dean. Dean laughs again. "I would complain but I'm gonna put your contact name as nerd, so I won't," he says, before handing the phone back to Castiel.

Castiel quickly types out where his dorm is and sends him a text. "There. Now what?"

"Well, what do you have on tomorrow?"

"I have a class in the morning but I'll be finished by eleven."

Dean nods as if thinking about. "Alright. I guess I'll see you later then, nerd." And then he's turning and walking away.

"What? You're not even gonna tell me when you're coming?" Castiel asks, throwing his hands out wide.

"Think of it as a surprise," Dean says, sending him a wink before disappearing from sight.

Castiel takes a deep breath through his nose and exhales throughout his mouth. What is he doing? This has got to be the stupidest thing he's ever done. Although a small part of his brain can't help but think about how good everything was the other night. Dean's rough stubble against the inside of his thighs, the way he held Castiel's wrists above his head and the relentless pounding. It was like something straight out of one of his wet dreams.

Yeah, he is definitely going crazy. 

***

The next day seemed to be the slowest day in Castiel's entire existence. He had rushed back to his dorm from class this morning and had been waiting ever since for Dean to show up. For some reason, he was nervous. Really nervous. At one point, he even thought about changing into something better but ended up thinking that it was too pathetic. This wasn't even a date. He spent all the hours passing up until one in the afternoon mindlessly doing things on his computer. After that he spent an hour studying and now here he is, lying on his bed, reading the book he'd nearly forgot to get from the library yesterday after his encounter with Dean.

He wouldn't be surprised if Dean didn't show up at all at this point. Not that he cares. Right? 

He's finally settled into focusing wholly on reading his book when he hears a knock at the door. Castiel's heart jumps and suddenly all of his nerves are flying back in full force. He sits up slowly and places his book on his bedside table and his glasses inside the top drawer before slowly getting up and walking over to the door. Deep breath. 

The door swings open and there leaning against the hallway wall is Dean, a big smile on his face and his hands in the pockets of his ever famous leather jacket. "Miss me?" 

"You're unbelievable," Castiel says, crossing his arms in front of his chest. Dean furrows his eyebrows.

"And why would that be?" 

Castiel scoffs. "It's nearly three in the afternoon. You couldn't have told me when you were coming? I was waiting for hours." 

Dean bites his lip. "For hours? Looks like someone can't resist me." 

"Fuck you."

"Can I come in or not?"

Castiel hesitates for a second, a sarcastic reply on his lips but lets it go, opening the door wider and motioning for Dean to step inside. One he does, Castiel closes and locks the door behind him. He doesn't want to risk anyone walking in, not that anyone would. Dean's standing in the middle of his dorm looking around. It has a bed pushed into the left corner, a bedside table next to it, a desk pushed into the opposite corner, a small chest of drawers next to the door and another door on the other side of the chest of drawers leading into a small bathroom. It's not messy. But it's not perfectly clean either. His desk is the worst. Scattered with books and papers and pens. His bed's sheets are all rumpled up, never having the time to make it and a few clothes are thrown on top of the chest of drawers. So overall, it's pretty good. 

"Nice. I like it," Dean says, breaking the silence.

"Thanks. I guess," Castiel says, meeting Dean's eyes. They stare at each other for a while, keeping Castiel on edge but finally Dean steps forward, sealing their lips together. All of his nerves suddenly vanish, as he opens his mouth for Dean's tongue. 

A pair of hands quickly find their way under Castiel's shirt, dragging it over his head and then coming back to grip Castiel's hipbones hard enough to make bruises. He's pushed back slowly until his knees hit the side of the bed and he falls down, laying back when Dean brings a hand up to push him down. Castiel tangles his own hands in Dean's hair, pulling it ever so slightly.

He whimpers at the loss of Dean's lips when they travel downwards, sucking marks into his jaw and stopping at his neck to suck more there. One of Dean's hands comes up to massage his right nipple and Castiel moans, gripping Dean's hair tighter. 

"Fuck, Cas. You have any toys you use to play with yourself?"

Castiel hesitates. "No." At the same time Dean's other hand slides down to grab painfully tight at Castiel's clothed dick, Castiel's right nipple is pinched hard. He yelps, his back arching off the bed. 

"Do I need to repeat myself?" Dean asks, his voice rough and so fucking demanding that Castiel might come in his pants right now. 

Castiel swallows. "I - uh - I have a dildo and a vibrator." 

Dean grins. "So, you do love being stuffed full of cock? I fucking knew it." Castiel whimpers again, a spark of pleasure coursing through his body. 

Castiel's cock and nipple are finally let go, Dean raising his body off of Castiel to hook his fingers under his sweatpants and boxers and pulling them down in one go. Despite everything, Castiel still can't help but blush. Dean stands fully clothed above him, his eyes devouring every inch of Castiel's naked form.

"Fuck, the things I want to do to you," Dean says, the green of his eyes shining with desire. Suddenly there are two hands underneath his armpits and he's being manhandled up and around to lie the right way on his single bed. He already knew that Dean was strong but it doesn't stop him from becoming even more aroused. 

"Hands above your head." Dean's voice is impossibly low and commanding, sending a chill down Castiel's spine. He obeys quickly, placing them near the head board. Dean gathers Castiel's shirt from the ground and pulls one of his wrists next to one of the headboard bars and ties the shirt around them, securing his arm in place. Castiel closes his eyes and lets out a small moan. This _is_ like all of his wet dreams finally coming true.

Dean then slowly sheds all three of his layers, smirking as Castiel's cock twitches on his stomach. He then uses his own shirt to bind Castiel's other wrist to the headboard. He gives them an experimental tug when he's finished. It's not too tight but tight enough for Castiel to not be able to get out of it without a lot of effort. 

"Oh, hey. I probably should have mentioned this before but if you're ever uncomfortable or want me to stop just say crossroad. Got it?" Dean asks, his voice suddenly soft, a comforting hand resting on Castiel's thigh. 

He nods enthusiastically because words seem to escape him at that moment. Fuck. This has to be a wet dream. He can tell without looking that his pupils have dilated as well. His skin is burning hot and every touch from Dean feels like electricity shooting through his body. Oh God.

"Say it to me."

"Crossroad." 

Dean smirks, his voice back to rough and commanding when he asks, "Good. Now, where are your toys?"

Castiel flicks his head towards the bedside table. "Bottom drawer," he says, voice already sounding like he's been fucked senseless. Dean opens it and pulls out lube first and then the purple vibrator with a wicked smile on his face. Castiel suddenly feels those butterflies fly back into his stomach at the thought of what Dean's going to do to him. First Dean opens the lube and spreads them all over his fingers. 

"Open wide." Castiel does immediately, spreading his legs apart, eager just to have Dean touch him in any way. He doesn't have to wait long before a cold, slick finger is entering him. Castiel shifts his hips slightly, pulling at the shirts attaching him to the headboard. He makes a noise at the back of his throat, when Dean enters another and finally a third, scissoring him open as best as he can. 

"So tight around my thick fingers. Fuck," Dean says, pumping his fingers in and out of Castiel. 

He whines when he feels the fingers exit him, leaving his hole clenching around nothing. "Alright, ready for the fun part," Dean says, and then Castiel can feel the familiar shape and feel of his vibrator entering him. Once it's pushed all the way in, Dean grabs the remote and flicks it on to the highest level. Castiel shouts, his hips bucking up and down on the bed and his arms pulling at the shirts. 

He feels precome drip onto his stomach and he can sense the intensity of which Dean is looking at him right now. The vibrator suddenly is taken a few notches down relieving him for a few moments. "You're so fucking hot. Writhing around beneath me. _Fuck,_ " Dean growls. "You ever think about me when you're doing this to yourself?" 

Castiel bites his lip. "No." He shouts out again as the vibrator is turned up to its highest level, pulsing insanely quickly against his prostate. "Fuck, Dean. Yes. Yes, I have. _Please_." 

The vibrator settles down again but not as far as before, keeping Castiel's ass gyrating on the sheets. All of a sudden, Dean is up, ripping off his socks and shoes, undoing his belt and shoving his jeans and boxers down to his ankles before stepping out of them and climbing back onto the bed to straddle Castiel's chest. Castiel inhales sharply as he comes face to face with Dean's large cock, precome smeared at the head. 

In one hand Dean still holds the remote and the other starts to slowly stroke his own cock only an inch or so away from Castiel's lips. Castiel's mouth fills up with saliva and his lips dart out every few seconds to wet them. Dean has a smug look on his face, as he stares down at Castiel. 

"So you have thought about me. Mind sharing?" he asks, before leaning down to whisper into Castiel's ear, "And if you do, I'll let you suck my big, fat cock and then I'll even let you come." He scrapes his teeth over Castiel's earlobe before leaning back up again. 

Castiel's eyes roll back into his head and his cock throbs where it sits untouched and leaking on his stomach. He nods again and Dean smiles. "Fuck. So fucking hot. Now c'mon, tell me. What do you think about?"

Castiel takes a deep breath, opening his eyes to only come face to face with Dean stroking his cock. "I - I think about you - _fuck_ \- I think about you holding me down, using me, fucking into me relentlessly." Dean groans, his stroking becoming even quicker. "I think about you taking me from behind on my desk. Coming inside of me or all over my face. Marking me up." 

"Oh, fuck. Take it, baby. Suck my cock." Dean replies, shuffling forward slightly until he can smear his precome from the head of his cock over Castiel's chapped lips. Castiel moans before quickly taking it into his mouth. Dean groans, bucking forward into Castiel's wet heat. He gags slightly before taking Dean's cock even deeper and bobbing his head up and down, swirling his tongue over the slit of Dean's cock when he gets back up to the top.

Suddenly his prostate is being assaulted again and Castiel moans around Dean's cock. Dean grips Castiel's hair tight with his free hand and keeps it still as he shallowly thrusts into Castiel's mouth.  "Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I'm gonna come. I'm gonna - fuck." Castiel whines when he pulls out, his mouth hanging open as Dean jacks his cock right in front of his face. Dean groans when he finally shoots his come all over Castiel's face.

The vibrator is still pulsing at its highest setting on his prostate and Castiel can't help but start letting out little 'uh, uh, uh's as it goes on. "Dean, please let me come. Please touch me," he begs, pulling at his restraints.

Dean's chest heaves as he admires the mess he's made on Castiel's face. Dean then winks at him and gives him a quick kiss before backing down the bed and hovering over Castiel on all fours. When Dean finally wraps a hand around his cock, Castiel feels the warmth in his belly build even more. It only takes a few jerks by Dean for him to be spurting all over his chest, Dean's name on his lips.

The vibrator is finally turned off but not pulled out, and Castiel looks up to see Dean staring at him again. Looking like he wants to eat Castiel alive despite the fact that they just had sex. "You have no idea how fucking hot you look right now. All tied up, a vibrator up your ass and covered with come. Fuck, I wish I could take a picture of this."

"Don't you fucking dare take a picture of me like this," Castiel says, kicking Dean lightly in the side of his stomach. The words are so similar from the other night. But for some reason it's different. Because Dean laughs, throwing his head back as though Castiel just said the funniest thing in the world and then proceeds to take out the vibrator and undo the shirts that are tied to the headboard. And once that's done he even rubs them gently where they've left red marks against Castiel's skin. 

Maybe it's because they're alone and Dean knows now that Castiel isn't going to tell anyone about what is happening between them. 

"Hmm, let me help you clean this up," Dean whispers before using his tongue and lips to lick up the come streaking Castiel's face. Castiel wraps his arms around Dean's shoulders and his legs around Dean's waist, holding him as close as possible. After he's finished with his face he gives Castiel a quick filthy kiss, his mouth tasting of come before moving down to lick it all off of his chest. 

"Fuck, Cas. You're so fucking hot," Dean says as he crushes their lips back together. It takes a few moments for Castiel to realise he's done it again.

"Dean?" Castiel asks, once their lips break apart. Dean makes a small noise against his jaw and Castiel takes that as signal to continue. "Why did you call me Cas?"

That seems to get his attention. He searches Castiel's face for a minute, the softness in his eyes turning hard again. "Gee, I'm sorry. Am I not allowed to call you by your first name?" he retorts, getting up from the bed and starting to pull on his clothes. 

Castiel's eyebrows pull together and he sits up, pulling the sheets over himself. And he was just starting to think that things were different. "No, I was just wondering because you've only ever called me Novak or nerd or at least something like that, and then you called me Cas the other night and just now. And no one has ever called me that except for my friends, so yeah, I'm curious," he says, trying to keep his voice even. 

"Yeah, well, whoopty fucking do, Novak. Just because I gave you a nickname twice during sex doesn't mean we're fucking boyfriend and girlfriend, okay?" Dean says, harshly, throwing his plaid shirt over the top of his plain one. Castiel clenches his jaw, looking away and crossing his arms over his bare chest. It feels like someone just slapped him in the face. Why is he doing this? Why did he think things were different? He knows Dean's a fucking asshole towards him so why is he even bothering?

He hears Dean sigh from where he's standing and then he takes a few steps towards Castiel reaching out with his hand.

"Don't," Castiel says, and watches out of his peripheral vision as Dean retracts his hand and lets it fall limply by his side. 

"I'll - uh - text you before I come over next time, yeah?" he replies, his voice softer again and sounding slightly frustrated.

"Sure," Castiel says, trying hard to keep his voice emotionless as he continues to stare at the blank wall.

Dean stands there for a while, not moving, just watching Castiel. But finally, he turns and makes his way out the door, closing it gently, without another word. 

Castiel then gets up and hops in the shower, letting the warm spray wash away Dean's sticky saliva from where he'd licked the come off of Castiel. He then sinks to the ground and clutches at his knees. He stares blankly at the tiles in front of him and tries to conjure up an answer to the question buzzing around in his mind.

 _What the fuck is he doing?_  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you guys for all your comments. They mean a lot and please don't stop now! <3
> 
> Also the next chapter will be less angsty hooray!


	3. Chapter 3

"Gabe said you disappeared for a while at the party the other night." Castiel grunts in reply. "But I'm guessing you didn't try and run off because he then said that you came back a bit later to tell him you were leaving."

Castiel still doesn't respond, just turns onto his back on her bed so he can stare at the ceiling instead of Anna's curious and also concerned face. He doesn't want to think about that. He doesn't want to think about anything to do with that. 

"He...also said you looked a bit ruffled. May I ask what happened?" she asks, slowly, dropping her pen on her desk. Castiel sighs.

"Nothing happened, I just went upstairs to find some peace and quiet." he replies, rolling the lie off his tongue with ease.

Anna hums. "And it doesn't have anything to do with one Dean Winchester?" Castiel's eyes widen and he turns his head too quickly for it to not be suspicious. 

"Why would you think that?" Castiel asks, trying to calm his voice because she couldn't possibly know that he had _sex_ with Dean. 

"Well, I saw him go upstairs looking...well, pretty angry if I'm going to be honest and then saw him come down a while later looking...well, still angry but a bit more ruffled, if you know what I mean." Castiel momentarily starts to panic. She's looking at him like she knows exactly what happened in that upstairs room. However, it doesn't take an idiot to find an excuse here.

"Look, Anna, I wasn't going to tell you but if you're so inclined to know then yes, Dean came upstairs and roughed me up a bit."

Anna is out of her seat in an instant. "I knew it! That piece of shit is always eyeing you like a hawk! God, I just want to punch him in the face." she says, clenching and unclenching her fists as she paces the small room. For some reason Castiel finds it amusing but doesn't let it show.

Suddenly Anna swivels around, a finger pointed in his direction. "Wait? Did he punch you? Did he beat you up or something because I swear to -"

"No, Anna. Calm down, he didn't punch me. You know he's never done anything like that. He just did the usual, you know, shove me against a wall, push me around and spit out lame insults. Nothing major." Castiel replies, and as he says it he knows that it's true because that did happen. It's just that they also did other things.

Anna's rage seems to die down after hearing that though, and she comes to lie down next to Castiel on her bed. "Yeah, I know. It's just, couldn't he of stopped after high school? Like why does he have to keep coming after you. There are enough dickheads who do that anyway."

Castiel shrugs. "I don't know," he lies, lifting himself off of the bed, "but he's the least of my worries at the moment." Another lie. It's all he can think about. Dean, Dean, Dean.

Anna huffs. "Uh, yeah, your exams are coming up pretty soon aren't they?"

"Unfortunately."

"But, at least we have Christmas break after. I mean, not that we'll get to spend anytime together but it's still a break from studying."

Castiel frowns. "Wait. What are you doing for Christmas? I thought we were going ice skating together."

Anna cringes. "Oh my god, did I not tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

She sighs. "My family's going away on a Christmas vacation next week, right after exams, and yeah that includes me. I thought I told you, I'm so sorry, Cas. But it's not like you're going to be alone right. Don't you always spend Christmas with your family?"

"Yeah, but I'm going to catch the bus down on Christmas Eve so I can spend only two days with them critiquing me rather than two weeks."

Anna nods. "I guess but won't you get in trouble for that?"

"It doesn't matter. I get in trouble for everything, anyway. Hey, what about Gabe? Do you know what he's doing?"

Anna shrivels up her nose. "He's going on a road trip with Kali." Now it's Castiel's turn to shrivel up his nose. "I know right. Wouldn't want to sleep next to their room. Who knows what you'll hear."

Castiel sighs, and grabs his bag from the floor. "Well, don't worry. I'm sure I'll figure something out. Anyways, I have a class to get to, so I'll see you later."

"Have fun at class."

***

Castiel rolls around in bed but he can't sleep. And he knows why, he just doesn't want to deal with it because then he'll be reminded of Dean. And how he hasn't seen Dean in a week. And about what happened the last time they saw each other and if Castiel even wants to see him again. Great. He's reminded now.

He's also reminded that he's horny. He huffs, rolling over on his stomach. That's better. Castiel slowly gyrates his hips, alleviating some of the pressure on his already half hard cock. He looks over at his phone. Maybe he should text Dean. No, he shouldn't do that. What is he thinking? He doesn't want Dean. 

And he's going to successfully get off without thinking about Dean. 

He rolls back over, pulling his boxers down and off, throwing them onto the floor and grabbing lube from the bedside table. He quickly pours a good heap onto his fingers before using his other hand to stroke his cock. It's completely hard by the time one finger enters him. It's not enough. A second is added and soon a third, but it doesn't feel satisfying. Dean's fingers are far thicker than hi - 

Castiel lets out a frustrated whine. He's  _not thinking about Dean._

He grabs the large dildo from his bottom drawer, removing his fingers and placing it at his entrance. He nudges it in slowly until he's completely full. His breath quickens, his cock spurting precome onto his stomach. 

Castiel starts slow, pulling the dildo out nearly all the way and then pushing it back in before picking up the speed until he's shoving it inside of himself and fiercely pumping his cock with his free hand. _Fuck, he's so close, he just needs a little bit more -_

" _Fuck_." Castiel grits out as he imagines Dean's big cock ramming into him, his rough hands jacking Castiel's cock as fast as he can. He can nearly hear him spitting out profanities and telling Castiel how tight he is. How hot he is. 

Castiel reaches his orgasm with a gasp, come splattering all over his hand and stomach. He lies motionless for a while. There isn't really an afterglow. Just exhaustion. And his orgasm wasn't exactly satisfying. More an itch that needed to be scratched. 

He huffs, pulling out the dildo and going about to clean himself up before pulling on his boxers and sliding back into bed. He doesn't want to think about what this means. So he gladly accepts the sleep that comes to him as soon as his head hits the pillow.

***

The sound of his feet hitting the pavement is like music to his ears. Castiel has been so busy with studying lately that he hasn't had a chance to go for a run. But now he is and it feels good. Well, other then the fact that he's tired from rolling around until two in the morning before deciding that yes, he was going to get off, everything's good. 

And what's even better is that he doesn't have any classes today. So he can do a little study, although he's already done enough for it, and maybe after that he can read that book that he only got a few chapters into before things got too busy. Yeah, that sounds nice.

It's a cold morning but he only needs a long sleeve thermal, his usual running shorts and his beanie. The running does the rest. He's nearly finished, running up to the path next to the building where his dorm is in. He pumps his legs faster for the last bit, slowing down only slightly to turn the corner and just as he's about to take off again, he runs straight into someone, knocking them backwards and embarrassingly, falling forwards into their chest.

He quickly pushes off of them, his cheeks heating. "I am so sorry. Are you oka -" Castiel doesn't get to finish as strong hands are suddenly grabbing his shoulders and he watches as Dean Winchester pushes him back into a small alcove next to the path until his back hits the wall. After that, it's only a second before Dean's lips are on his, cold and desperate, teeth biting at his bottom lip. 

Castiel grips tightly onto the lapels of Dean's jacket, hoping that it will keep him from falling to the ground from the amount of sheer force Dean is putting into the kiss. Dean's leg pushes in between both of his and Castiel moans at the feeling of Dean's half hard cock. 

All of a sudden Dean pulls away but keeps his hands still grasping at the fabric of Castiel's shirt. "Go to your dorm. I'll meet you there in ten minutes. Got it?" Dean asks, his voice demanding and his pupils nearly entirely black.

Castiel can't do anything but nod, far too aroused by what is about to happen to be thinking straight. Dean grins. "Good boy. Now hurry up." he says, pushing Castiel back towards the path. 

He doesn't even look back, just runs towards the entrance of the building. Once he gets there, the warm air from the inside hits him like a freight train. He's now far too hot, as he walks towards his dorm room. It only takes a few minutes but by the time he gets there and shuts the door behind him, his cock is twitching in his pants. He paces for a second not knowing what to do. He pulls his beanie off, throwing it into the corner of the room and leans back against the side of his desk. 

His heart is beating frantically, those nervous butterflies coming back to flutter around in his stomach. He shouldn't be doing this. He should be angry. He should be telling Dean to fuck off. But he's so weak. There's just something about Dean that he can't shake. So he waits. The minutes feel like hours but soon enough there's a knock at his door. He shakes his head and takes the few steps forward to reach the door before opening it. Dean doesn't waste any time, walking in, locking the door behind him and then pushing Castiel back until his ass meets his desk.

Dean's lips are on him again, his arms curling around his back, holding him from toppling backwards. His own arms circle around Dean's neck, pulling their bodies close. 

"Fuck, baby, you should've seen yourself. All flushed and panting, your shirt sticking to your skin -  _fuck -_ wanted to bend you over right there and fuck you into the pavement." Castiel whimpers, his eyes fluttering shut. "Yeah? You like that, baby? You like the thought of me fucking you in public for everyone to see? For everyone to see who you belong too?" Dean says, one of his hands wandering down past the waistband of Castiel's shorts and boxers. Castiel gasps.

" _Yes, Dean_." Dean's fingers easily find their way down to his entrance and rub over his rim roughly. He can't help the whine that leaves his throat. "Dean, please. Please, fuck me."

"So fucking desperate for my cock, aren't you? Just have to have me inside of you." Dean grits out, removing his hand from Castiel's pants, much to his annoyance, to grab at the hem of Castiel's shirt so he can pull it over his head. Castiel complies and after, he helps pushing Dean's own layers off until Castiel's heated, bare skin slides against Dean's. Castiel doesn't get to take in much of the view though before he's being spun around, his back to Dean.

Fingers grabs at the waistband of his shorts and boxers, pulling them down to his ankles in one smooth motion. Dean then coaxes one of his legs to step out of them, not bothering with his shoes or socks, and heaves it up onto the desk, his ass and hole now on full display for Dean. Castiel flushes, his face and chest going red. "Oh, fuck, baby. This is the hottest thing I've ever seen." Dean says, slapping one of his asscheeks and making Castiel place his hands on the desk so that he doesn't fall forward. 

He watches Dean, still with his lower body fully clothed, go over to Castiel's bedside table's bottom drawer and pull out the lube. Dean winks at him when he turns around but is soon behind Castiel again, out of sight. The pop of the lube cap sends a shiver down Castiel's spine. He feels so dirty right now. Completely naked, bar his shoes and socks, one leg up on the desk to completely expose his ass.

A cold finger to his hole makes it flutter slightly, wanting to be full already. Dean slowly pushes the finger in and Castiel impatiently grinds back on it. "You been playing with yourself while I'm gone, Novak?"

Castiel pants, a shout punching out of him when Dean rams three fingers into him all at once. " _Ah, fuck, Dean_. Yes, yes I have." Castiel says, biting his lip as Dean thrusts his fingers in and out.

"You thinking about me, baby? And don't lie. I can tell when you're lying." Dean says, biting the shell of his ear. Castiel's mouth falls open, his eyes fluttering shut.

"Ye - yes, Dean. Thought about you - _mm, fuck_  - pounding me into the mattress." Castiel gasps when Dean's fingers are removed from his ass, his hole gaping around nothing.

"Fuck, I like what I'm hearing. Can't wait to get inside you. You got any condoms?" Castiel hesitates.

"No." Castiel replies, and he can tell Dean's about to retort so he says, "We don't need one." 

He hears Dean's breath hitch. Shit, was that the wrong thing to say? Is he taking this too far? "Oh, fuck, baby. You clean?"

 _Oh, thank god._ Castiel nods, chewing at his bottom lip, suddenly nervous again. "Fuck, baby, me too. God, this is so fucking hot." Dean grunts and Castiel can hear Dean shoving down his pants and then the slick sounds of Dean lathering his cock with lube. A few seconds later the head is pressed up against Castiel's rim and pushes into him with a pop. "Oh god, oh god, this is so much better. _Fuck_."

When Dean bottoms out, Castiel has never felt so full, so satisfied. It's so much different from the feel of a condom or a dildo. Dean grips his hips tightly, slowly pulling out and then slamming back in.

Castiel shouts and nearly topples over. If it wasn't for Dean holding him back, he definitely would have. His leg that's still on the ground is starting to tremble. "C'mon, Dean, fuck me. Fuck me hard." Castiel barely gets the sentence out before Dean's thrusting into him with enough force to have the desk moving backwards and forwards, some of his books and pens falling off and onto the ground.

Dean's pace is relentless, the slap of skin on skin making it even more filthy. Suddenly, Dean's hands move from his hips, one curling around his stomach and the other curling around his chest, pulling his hands off the desk so his back is flush against Dean's chest. Castiel cries out, the change in angle has Dean hitting dead onto his prostate.

"Mm, fuck, Dean. Right there, right there." 

Castiel's hands now free, reach towards his cock that's bouncing against his stomach, only to be knocked away by the hand on Castiel's stomach. "Not allowed to touch yourself. You're gonna come on my cock and my cock alone. Got that?"

Castiel whimpers but nods, bringing his arms up to wrap around Dean's neck, restraining himself from touching his pulsing hard on. "Good boy. So fucking good for me. You ever come untouched before, baby?" Dean asks, sucking bruises onto his jaw, his cock still slamming into Castiel's ass. 

"N-no, Dean - _ah, fuck_!" Castiel shouts as Dean slaps his ass in time with a particularly hard thrust.

"Good. But what about me, huh? You gonna come on my big, fat cock?" The hand on Castiel's chest, moves towards his nipple, flicking the nubs until their hard.

" _Uh_ , yes, Dean. O-only for you." 

"Fuck, Cas. Don't say shit like that. Gonna make me fucking come." Castiel's too blinded by his own pleasure that he doesn't even notice the name pop up again. "Fuck, I'm gonna come inside you. Would you like that?" Castiel jerkily nods his head, his legs are burning, and he's sure the one on the ground is gonna give way any moment, if Dean doesn't stop. "You like being filled up with my come? Fuck, watch it drip out of you. Might even lick it all up for you if you come on my cock. Do you want that, baby?

Castiel cries out as Dean slows down the pace slightly but thrusts in even harder. " _Ah, Dean._ Please, yes, make me come on your cock _._ Pump your load in me."

" _Ah, fuck, Cas_. I'm gonna com - " Dean bites down on his shoulder hard and his come spills straight onto Castiel's prostate. The pleasure is too much, his eyes clenching shut as his orgasm shoots out of him, spilling all over his stomach and desk. Dean's hold loosens on him and Castiel plants his hands on the desk, careful to not get in the mess and holds himself up. His legs are still trembling and his ass burns. The warm liquid inside of him is an even weirder feeling but it's undeniably hot.

Dean finally lets go of him and plants his own hands on the desk, his chin resting on Castiel's shoulder. "Oh, fuck, Cas. That was so fucking hot. I can't believe you came untouched. Fuck." he says, panting roughly, his warm breath heating Castiel's already scorching skin. "I guess you deserve your reward then, huh?" he says, his nose bumping into the side of Castiel's cheek.

"Mm, I don't know if I'll be able to hold myself up for that." 

Dean laughs and it vibrates throughout Castiel's body. It's a surprisingly pleasant feeling. "Oh, c'mon. I'll be quick." Dean says, and then the warmth of his body pressed against Castiel's is gone and his cock is slipping out of Castiel's hole. He can already feel the come leaking out, as he moves from resting on his hands to his elbows.

There's no warning before hands pulling his asscheeks apart and Dean's hot tongue is licking at his sore rim. Castiel whimpers as Dean licks up all of the come that has spilled out before pushing it inside of his hole to get the rest. Castiel closes his eyes and lets his head hang limply as he listens to Dean's moans. If he wasn't so fucked out, his cock would definitely be twitching now. 

But nearly as soon as he starts, Dean is finished, standing back up from where Castiel presumes he was kneeling on the ground. Castiel looks back over his shoulder just in time for Dean to plant his wet lips onto Castiel's own, the taste of Dean's come still on his lips.

Dean pulls away with a grin, grabbing Castiel's long sleeve thermal from the ground and using it to wipe his cock and after, pulls up his boxers and jeans that are pooling at his feet. Castiel rolls his eyes before watching silently as Dean bends down to pull off his socks and boots and then walks over to Castiel's bed, lying down on his back with a loud sigh. 

"Um, what are you doing?" 

Dean turns his head, smirking as he eyes Castiel's naked body from head to toe. Castiel suddenly becomes self conscious, standing up on shaky legs and quickly using the same shirt to wipe his own cock before he steps one leg back into his boxers and pulls them back up, leaving his running shorts on the ground.

"I'm tired. Had a rough night and had to get up for an early class...but instead I decided to do a little morning exercise." Dean says, with a stupid grin on his face. The only thing Castiel hears though is 'rough night'. He doesn't know why it's a surprise considering Dean's reputation but for some reason he feels jealousy pool in his gut.

"Right. Rough night, huh? And what exactly did that entail?" Castiel says, before deciding to pull off his shoes and socks.

Dean's eyebrows pull together. "A late football training session." Oh. _Oh_. Not that it means Dean hasn't been sleeping with other people it's just he didn't last night. Right? Why does that make Castiel feel so much better? "Why?" 

Castiel squints when he looks up. He doesn't like the devilish glint in Dean's eye. He also doesn't like it when Dean starts laughing. "You're totally jealous, aren't you?"

Castiel feels his cheeks heat. "Oh, fuck you, Dean." he says as he trudges over to his chest of drawers, pulling out the first shirt he finds and pulling it on.

"Whatever you say, nerd." Dean says, still chuckling to himself. Castiel runs a frustrated hand through his sweaty hair and looks over at his desk. It's a mess. Some things have fallen on the ground, other things are in general disarray and some of his things even have his own come on it.

He huffs, looking back at Dean, his arms behind his head, still shirtless and looking like he's having a great old time. "Are you going to be leaving anytime soon?" he asks, raising his eyebrows.

Dean just shrugs. "Nope."

"Don't you have a class that you're late for?"

Dean shakes his head. "Yeah, I'm not going anymore."

Castiel lets out a frustrated breath. "And when did you decide that?"

"Just now, actually."

Castiel groans. "Fine, you can stay here for a little but if you do, you're gonna help me clean up my desk."

"Fine but not right now. I just did like the equivalent of fucking leg day at the gym." Dean says, nonchalantly. 

"Good for you. But you're not the only one who did a little exercise, so move over or I'll push you off the bed."

Dean chuckles but shuffles over until he's right up against the wall. There's not a lot of space but it will have to do because Castiel doesn't think he can stay standing for much longer. He climbs onto the bed, and finally lies down on his front, his head facing _away_ from Dean.

It's almost like heaven. Almost because Dean shuffles around next to him for what seems like forever. "Do you mind?"

"Not at all." Castiel doesn't even have to look to know that Dean's grinning. Finally he stops shuffling and just when Castiel's about to relax again, a hand slides under the waistband of his pants.

" _Dean_. What do you think you're doing?"

"I just never got to thank you."

Castiel's brows scrunch together. "Thank me for what?"

"For being a runner. God, your ass is one of the best things that has ever happened to me."

Castiel turns his head to look at Dean who still has his eyes currently trained on Castiel's ass. "Is that a compliment Dean Winchester?"

That draws Dean's attention away from his ass. "Nope, if your ass was on someone else then - " Castiel's elbows him in the stomach before he can finish his sentence.

" _Ow_."

"You're such an asshole." Castiel says, as he faces the other way again.

"And you're such a fucking nerd." Dean says, nibbling on Castiel's earlobe. Castiel let's out a frustrated huff.

" _Stop_. Can you - I'm trying to fucking sleep."

Dean laughs. "God, are you always this grumpy when your tired? No wonder no one's stuck around."

Castiel tries to elbow him again but Dean's ready this time, catching his arm before it can go any further.

"Fuck off." Castiel says, and for some reason the look on Dean's face makes him smile, the words losing their harshness on his lips. "One more thing and I'll kick you out."

Dean's laughter take a few moments to die down but eventually it does. "So... _Cas_..."

Castiel's about to reprimand him again when he hears it. He hardly noticed it while they were having sex but this - the way he said it - it has to be intentional...right?

Castiel turns again, to see Dean looking down at him. " _Dean_." Dean continues looking at him for a few moments, not saying anything. Finally, however, he does, much to Castiel's confusion. 

"Have a good sleep." and then Dean's shuffling back down onto the mattress.

Castiel doesn't really know what to make of it, so he just turns his head back so he's facing the right way. Was Dean...apologising? Is he going to start calling him Cas now? Castiel shakes his head. He can think about it another time. Now he just wants to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
> The next chapter should be posted around the same time next week! Again, please leave a comment! I absolutely love reading them and they motivate me to keep writing! I hope you guys like it <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobic Language

Castiel knows that Dean is gone as soon as he opens his eyes. The warmth is gone from behind him, something that was surprisingly...nice. Not that he would ever tell Dean that he liked having him beside him. He wonders what it would be like to have Dean wrapped around him. He wonders if Dean ever wrapped around him throughout their sleep and Castiel was just too tired to wake up and notice it. He kind of wishes he hadn't fell asleep so soon.

He shoots a quick glance over to his alarm clock to see that it's just past midday. They must have slept for a while. _He_ must have slept for a while. He has no idea when Dean left. He could've up and gone as soon as Castiel's breathing started to even out. Castiel shakes his head. Why is he even thinking about this anyway? Who cares if Dean stayed for a while or left as soon as he could? Why does Castiel care? It's Dean Winchester for Christ's sake.

Castiel groans lifting himself up into a sitting position. It's only then that he notices the ache in his ass and legs. A reminder of how hard Dean was fucking him not too long ago. His cock twitches slightly and he has to try really hard to think about something else. He also notices that other than Dean's clothes that are missing from the floor, all of the books and pens that were on the ground from...well, their time together, are now gone. Even Castiel's dirty clothes are missing and it doesn't take long for him to spot them on top of his laundry basket. 

Castiel swings his legs over the side and walks over to his desk. Castiel huffs a laugh. Its possibly neater and cleaner than it was before they trashed it. All of his pens and pencils are lined up on one side of his little holder and his books are stacked on one side and papers stacked on the other. A small smile pulls at the corner of his lips. He's about to turn away when a little note at the corner of his desk catches his eye.

He picks it up and sees that it's from Dean.

_Had to run. Only one of your textbooks fell victim to your come ;) Text you later, Cas._

The note in itself is nothing but sexual but for some reason his chest fills with warmth. So instead of crumpling up the sticky note and throwing it in the bin he folds it in half and places it inside the pencil holder so that no one else will find it. But instead of walking away he stares at the holder for a few moments.

Is that weird? Surely people don't keep stupid notes from their 'fuck buddies', because they are definitely not anything else. They're also enemies. Castiel's mind ticks over. Are they? This morning was...better than usual. Sort of. Castiel rolls his eyes. Why is he thinking about this? Why does he think about anything when it includes Dean Winchester?

Dean Winchester is an asshole and that's it. He's also good in bed. Now that's it and there is nothing more to think about. He should just grab that sticky note back and throw it in the bin where it should go. 

So Castiel instead turns and walks into the bathroom. He huffs when he sees himself in his small mirror. "Typical." Two hickeys have already formed on his jaw. The last two times the were only small and mainly on his neck, which he was able to cover up with some cheap tinted sunscreen he bought and the ones on his shoulders could just be hidden with a shirt. And when he was tied to the bed head last time the shirts weren't tied tight enough and he didn't pull hard enough for the redness to last very long. He can't be too careful though. Anna or Gabriel would easily catch on and wouldn't let up until they had answers. 

Good thing he shaved recently. The sunscreen won't get smeared into his stubble like the last time he tried. Maybe he should ask Dean to keep it shoulders and below. Actually, no. He enjoys Dean sucking hickeys into his neck and jaw way too much. 

Castiel sighs. He's really got to stop thinking about it. But hey, he has his first exam in two days and more after that so he won't have any troubles keeping his mind away from Dean.

Maybe a shower to start. Clear his mind and wake him up, he thinks as he walks over to turn the water on. He waits for a little bit until the water heats up, his mind drifting. He wonders what shower sex with Dean would be li - _for fuck's sake_.

*** 

"You're crazy! It's absolutely freezing out here, Anna!" Castiel has a few layers on, his beanie, gloves and he's _still_ shivering. 

"Ya know I have to agree with Cassie here. I think my nuts are freezing off." Castiel snorts and Gabe gets a punch in the arm.

"Oh, as if. You guys are just wimps. And just because it's winter doesn't mean we're not gonna sit where we sit _every time_." 

"Why can't we have two places?" Castiel whines, rubbing his hands together. 

"Because it's nice and pretty out here. And guess what? I'm the one who's finished their exams so this is my reward time. Suck it up." Castiel and Gabe both grumble at that. They both have one exam left each. Castiel's others all went fine but he can't not feel stressed until they're all done.

Their spot isn't anything special. It's under a tree in the park behind the college's football field. And despite the cold, Castiel agrees with Anna. It is pretty. It seems to be well kept. Even in Winter. And their tree, as Anna likes to say, is one of those big, old ones where there always seems to be shade. Not that at the moment Castiel wants to sit in the shade. But the three of them will spend at least one day a week lying around underneath it, talking about everything that has happened or about the gossip that they've heard. Gabe and Anna somehow seem to know everything that's going on around the campus. And of course, there's food.

One of them brings food for the three of them each week. This week it's Gabe and they all know that Gabe always has the best things.

Thankfully, when they get there, Anna lets them sit out where there's sun, much to her own annoyance. 

"Alright, what'd you get?" Anna asks, as Gabe turns around to shuffle in his bag. 

"Well, I drove for about twenty minutes to get these so you guys better appreciate it." he says, as he pulls a box out from his bag. 

"Ah, yes! Donuts! I've been craving these all week." Anna says, and Castiel laughs.

"Actually that's why I got them. I knew it was your 'you know what' _week_ and you always crave donuts on these very special days, so ta-da! Cinnamon for Cassie, cream and jam for myself and of course, double chocolate for you!"

Neither of them waste time in digging in. "Ah thank you so much Gabe! This week has been horrible. I mean, the other day I ran out of tampo -"

"Ew, no, stop! _Anna!"_ Gabe shouts, holding a hand out in front of his face.

"Yeah, Anna, we said we'd be supportive of your bodily functions but we didn't say we wanted to hear about it." Castiel says, scrunching up his nose.

Anna just laughs, throwing her head back. "God, sorry. A bit of an overshare." she says.

"Yeah, I think I'll eat mine later." Gabe says, squeezing his donut hard enough for the red, strawberry jam to ooze out. 

"Ew, Gabe. You're disgusting." Castiel says, glad that he has such a simple taste in donuts.

"Hey, it's not my fault! She started it!"

The all burst into fits of laughter. It's always nice when they can get together like this. Because of exams they missed their last week meet up so it's been a while since they've all been together.

It doesn't take long for Gabe and Anna to start dishing out gossip about all different sorts of things. Castiel always listens but he forgets pretty quickly. The drama that goes on around the campus is something that he has little interest in.

After that is the talk about Christmas and who's going where. How Gabriel's excited about his road trip with Kali because of - "Gabe! And you think I have an oversharing problem?" and how Anna is so disinterested in her family trip that she doesn't even know where they're supposed to be going - "Somewhere with snow I think."

"It snows literally everywhere."

"Shut up, Cas."

And how Castiel has to go see his own family - "Geez, good luck, Cassie. You're gonna need it."

But finally the chatter settles down. Gabe is finally finishing his donut and Castiel is lying back on the grass with his hands behind his head when Anna groans.

"Oh look. It's dickhead Winchester. Just seeing him ruins my day." she says, making Castiel sit up and look in the direction, along with Gabe, in which she is glaring. And she's right. Dean's standing about fifty metres away with his bag slung over his shoulder, surrounded by three girls. They're laughing at something he said. A very common sight.

Castiel rolls his eyes and looks away. "Oh, great. Now he's looking at us." Anna huffs, continuing to glare back. Castiel can't help it. He looks back up again only to lock eyes with Dean Winchester. The three girls seem to be engaged in whatever one of the girls is showing the others because they don't seem to notice.

"Actually, I think he's looking at Cassie." Gabe says and just as he does, Dean winks at him and then looks away. Castiel's feels his cheeks heat.

"Oh that fucker." Anna growls. "The next time he touches you, Cas, I'm gonna punch him in the face."

"And how's that gonna work out for you? You know, we should do try to aim for something more achievable." Gabe says, eyeing them both. "I think we should take a page out of the Trickster's book."

"Now you're the one that's crazy! He'll know exactly who did it and it'll just piss him off even more." Anna says.

Castiel smiles just thinking about how funny that would be. He wonders how Dean would respond seeming as they're not _exactly_ what they were before. No, he shouldn't. Well, maybe one day but maybe not now. They're on... _okay_ terms now and Castiel would like to keep it that way.

"Sorry, Gabe. I have to agree with Anna on this one."

Gabe just lifts an eyebrow. "Whatever, but you say the word and I'll be ready." Castiel just shakes his head, a smile on the corner of his lips.

They don't hang around for very long after. They all say goodbye, exchanging hugs and wishing each other an early Merry Christmas. Then they part and Castiel trudges back to his dorm to where he can finally get warm. He can feel Dean's eyes on him the whole way there.

***

Castiel has just finished his last exam, making his way across campus to the library so he can borrow out a new book for the Christmas holidays. His exam went well. He thinks. He never really knows until he gets the results but for some reason he feels good about this one. He _is_ tired though. His exam finished late and it's already dark, however the campus is lit up so he has no problem finding his way. And lucky for him, he was able to grab some dinner after he finished because there was no way in hell that he was going to be awake enough to get some food once he got to his dorm.

Suddenly he feels a vibration in his pocket. He pulls out his phone and sees that he's got a text. From Dean. Excitement fills him to the brim as he opens it up to see what it says.

_**Asshole** _

**_You free anytime tonight?_ **

Castiel grins as he types out a reply. For some reason he's not so tired anymore.

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_I'm free right now, actually._ **

The response is almost immediate.

_**Asshole** _

**_I'll be over in twenty ;)_ **

Castiel's so entranced by what's happening on his phone that he doesn't realise someone coming up right beside him until his arm is already swinging around Castiel's neck. Castiel jumps slightly, quickly closing his phone as he looks up to see Alastair's face staring back at him.

"Hey, faggot! Who're you texting?" Castiel's cheeks heat up at the slur, looking in the other direction to find Bartholomew and Brady walking on the other side of him. Castiel just keeps walking and tries to pretend that Alistair isn't touching him nor is he so close.

"Don't want to share, huh? Suit yourself. I actually came over cause I saw you at a party a few weeks ago. Did you score? You know, get any up the ass?" Alastair says, squeezing Castiel tighter.

If Castiel cheeks were red before, they're on fire now. Alastair bursts out into laughter beside him but Castiel just keeps concentrating on getting to his dorm building.

"Oh my god! He did! Our little faggot took it up the ass!" Alastair says, looking towards his friends who in turn start laughing and slapping him on the back. Castiel cringes, his chest constricting.

Alastair is nearly in tears from laughing so hard and therefore he can thankfully say barely anything else before the building doors are right in front of him. Alastair finally lets go of him and Castiel hears a few more slurs before the door is shut behind him. A few people nearby look his way so he doesn't waste any time in scurrying off.

When he finally gets to his dorm he realises he didn't even go to the library. And what else is that he's not excited for Dean to come over. In fact he wishes that Dean wasn't coming over at all. He just wants to curl up on his bed and read. Or just fall asleep. Anything to get his mind away from the pain in his chest. Fucking hell. Why does it still affect him? They've been taunting him for years now. Shouldn't he be used to it? For all the people who had to follow him to college.

Castiel pulls out his phone again and opens up his text thread with Dean. He stares at it for a while before putting it on his desk. He dresses down to a shirt and boxers to get more comfortable. The little heater he bought at the beginning of Winter is surprisingly good at keeping his small dorm room warm. He's fiddling with the dials when he hears a knock at the door. That was quick, he thinks. Castiel stands and makes his way over. He hesitates for a moment but finally gives in and opens it. 

Dean's in his usual outfit, looking as handsome as ever, although he's also holding a small bag but Castiel doesn't ask. Dean waltzes in, placing the bag on the desk while Castiel locks the door. Dean looks him up and down, whistling as he does which makes Castiel duck his head and become conscious of his arms hanging awkwardly at his side.

It's not for long though, because hands are soon on either side of his face, lifting his head up so that Dean can press his lips hungrily against Castiel's. Castiel melts into Dean's body, clutching at the lapels of Dean's jacket. Dean's hands moves from his face to wrap around Castiel's back, pulling him even closer.

"Mm, fuck, Cas. Been dreaming about your ass for the whole week. Fucking you deep." 

_Our little faggot took it up the ass._

Castiel turns his head, making Dean pull his head back. "What's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" Dean asks, lowering his head to try and catch Castiel's eyes. Should he tell him? No, why would he tell him? Dean wouldn't care. Dean bullies him too. Maybe in a way that doesn't affect Castiel as much as the way the others do but still. It's the same thing.

"No. I - uh - just had a bad day. And I'm tired too, so," Castiel says, meeting Dean's eyes again. For a moment it seems like there is concern in his eyes but it very quickly shifts and Dean is grinning down at him. 

"Actually, this is perfect timing. Because I got you a present." Dean says, letting go of Castiel to grab the bag that he put on Castiel's desk. Castiel watches, eyebrows pulled together as Dean pulls out the object from the bag.

Castiel's eyes widen and he blushes. "Is that a - a fucking _cock ring?_ "

Dean's eyes widen in turn. "You kinky son of a bitch. You actually know what this is." Dean says, chuckling to himself.

Castiel rolls his eyes and looks away again. He's not in the mood for Dean's teasing. Somehow, though, Dean seems to notice because he clears his throat and one hand travels under the hem of his shirt to rest on his hipbone. "How about we get these off, then you can lie down and let me do the rest. Sound good?" 

Sex _is_ probably the best thing Castiel has at the moment to get his mind off of something. Castiel thinks about it for a moment before nodding. "Okay, arms up." Dean says, as he grabs the hem of Castiel's shirt and pulls it over his head. His fingers graze Castiel's skin as he does and it makes Castiel's cock twitch in his boxers. Castiel holds onto Dean's shoulders when he grabs Castiel's boxers and pulls them down, getting Castiel to step out of him before he leans back up. 

Castiel's cock starts to fill at the way Dean is looking at him. He feels naked. Well, he is naked but he wouldn't feel _so_ naked if Dean wasn't fully dressed. Shouldn't he be used to this by now? Apparently not.

Suddenly Dean bends down and wraps his hands around the back of Castiel's thighs. Castiel curls his own arms around Dean's neck and jumps instinctively, wrapping his legs around Dean's waist. Castiel is now very aware of how close their faces are and how Dean's just staring at him.

"Hi." Dean says, a dopey grin in his face. Castiel can't help his own smile.

"What are you doing?" he replies. He can feel where the cock ring is pressing against him, still in Dean's hand and it is maybe getting Castiel a little nervous.

"You said you were tired so I'm carrying you to the bed." Castiel huffs at the ridiculousness of it as Dean walks the three steps towards the bed. He climbs on it on his knees, with Castiel somehow still in his arms, before leaning them forward and laying Castiel down softly. He continues to stare at Castiel for a few more moments before he leans forward to kiss him but this time it's a little slower, softer.

Castiel hums into it as Dean guides Castiel's arms up towards the bedhead. Dean then quickly hops off the bed, putting the cock ring down and pulling his boots off and his top three layers in a rush. He does the same as he did last time. Using one shirt to tie one of Castiel's hands to the headboard, and the other to tie the other hand. Castiel gives them a quick tug before looking back to see Dean climbing back onto the bed. 

Dean leans over and tugs one of the two pillows out from underneath his head. "Lift." he says, his dominant tone coming through, as he taps Castiel on the hip. Castiel obeys, lifting and watching as Dean shoves a pillow underneath him. 

Arousal pools in Castiel's belly as Dean grabs the cock ring and fastens it around Castiel balls before giving his cock a quick tug. Dean lies down on his elbows and pulls Castiel's asscheeks apart. "Now all you have to do is relax." he says, a devilish look on his face.

Castiel cries out as he feels the wet, warmth of Dean's tongue lick at his hole. His cock straightens right up at that and Castiel closes his eyes, throwing his head back. Dean continues to lick and mouth at his hole, making Castiel squirm. When Dean's tongue finally enters him he whimpers, curling his thighs around Dean's strong shoulders.

"Fuck, baby. You taste so good. Always love eating you out." Dean says, his voice husky and his shaved jaw rubbing the inside of Castiel's thighs. Suddenly Dean pulls away and Castiel can see how he watches as Castiel's wet hole clenches for him. Castiel whines, wanting his tongue back so badly.

"Don't worry. I'm only getting started." Dean says, as he puts his arms on either side of Castiel's hips and leans down to mouth at the side of Castiel's cock. 

"Ah, _Dean!_ " Castiel shouts out, bucking his hips up frantically but he's stopped short when Dean places a firm hand on his stomach, pushing him down. 

"Hold still. Can you do that? Or will I have to hold you down?" Dean asks, and fuck, if Castiel doesn't get shivers from the commanding sound in his voice.

"Yes - yes, sir." 

Dean groans. "Fuck, Cas. You like that, huh? You get off on me ordering you around?"

Castiel bites his lip to hold in a moan and nods jerkily.

All of a sudden Dean brings his hand down on one of Castiel's thighs, making him cry out. "I need words."

"Yes, s-sir." Castiel says, whimpering when Dean grabs his cock and starts stroking it.

"Fuck yeah, baby. That's what I want to hear." he says, and then his mouth is back on Castiel's cock, taking the head in between his plump lips. Castiel's hips buck up slightly before he catches himself. Dean's hand comes down on his other thigh making Castiel punch out an, " _Uh!_ _Fuck_ , sorry, sir."

Dean moans around Castiel's head and it takes all of Castiel's restraint to keep his hips still. Instead he pulls at the shirts tying him to the bed posts. Dean's head bobs only a small amount, one of his hands covering the rest of his pulsing cock, but fuck, it's so good. Dean's tongue licks around the head before coming back to lick at his slit which has Castiel sure that if he didn't have a cock ring on, he would be coming right now.

After what seems like forever Dean finally pulls away and Castiel is gifted with the sight of Dean's pink, plump lips shiny with spit. Castiel watches as Dean leans over him, Castiel's cock grazing Dean's stomach, and pulls open the bottom drawer and goes for what Castiel knows is the lube. He's never been so glad about restocking it so frequently. 

"Alright, let's get to the good part, yeah? You gonna be good for me and open up for my fingers?" Dean asks, as he pops open the lube and lathers his fingers with it.

"Yes, De - _sir_." Castiel says, his mind so filled with pleasure that he nearly forgets what to say.

Dean groans, throwing his head back. "Fuck, Cas. You're so fucking perf-" Dean grunts cutting himself off and quickly dropping the lube on the bed before undoing the button on his jeans so he can shoves his free hand down his pants. 

Castiel can feel his mouth filling with saliva and his hole gaping around nothing. Dean's mouth falls open as he continues to move his hand around in his own pants. Castiel whines, and Dean finally looks back at him, his hand slipping out of his pants. 

"I know, baby. Eager for me to split you on my cock." Dean says, finally, _finally_ , bending back down to press a single digit into his still wet hole. Castiel's chest is heaving, his cock pearling precome at the tip. Luckily for Castiel, Dean doesn't continue teasing him. He thrusts his finger in and out, stretching him wide so he can add another and then another. 

"Mm, fuck, fuck, please fuck me, Dean. _Please._ "

Dean's fingers pull out, leaving him empty. "I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you correctly." Castiel's cock twitches as he looks up to see the lust in Dean's eyes.

"Please, sir. Please, fuck me." Castiel says, pulling at his restraints. 

"Good boy." Dean replies and then he's off the bed, pulling off the rest of his clothes in record time until his big cock is bouncing against his taut stomach. He climbs back onto the bed grabbing the lube one more time to lather up his cock. "Fuck, can't wait to be inside you. Feel you so tight around me." Dean grunts, guiding his cock towards Castiel's entrance. 

Castiel whimpers and Dean groans when his cock bottoms out. Dean stays still for a moment, his eyes closed, before he finally snaps out of his trance, grabs Castiel's hips and starts fucking into Castiel. Dean must know now where to find it because it's only a few thrusts in when Dean hits his prostate. Castiel shouts out and Dean bites his lip, fucking into him even harder, punching out 'uh, uh, uh's from Castiel on every thrust.

Castiel's cock aches, turning nearly purple at the tip. Dean's hands are gripping bruises into his hipbones as he relentlessly thrusts into Castiel's tight ass. Castiel's need to come is nearly all he can think about.

"Please, Dean. Fuck, sir -  _ah -_   please let me come. I can't - " Castiel bites his lip, hard enough to draw blood. Dean gives Castiel a few hard tugs on his cock, making tears well up at the corner of his eyes from the oversensitivity. 

"Don't - get to come," Dean grunts, pulling at Castiel's cock again, "until I do - _fuck_."

Tears fall down Castiel's face as Dean slows but slams his cock even harder into Castiel's prostate. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." Castiel mutters, closing his eyes and putting all his concentration into tightening his ass around Dean. And it seems to work because Dean's thrusts fall out of rhythm and then all of a sudden his cock is gone and Castiel opens his eyes to see Dean jacking himself just before come spurts out of his cock, landing all across Castiel's chest and some even landing on Castiel's chin.

Castiel whimpers, his cock throbbing so hard that he feels like he's about to explode. "P-please, Dean. Please let me come." Castiel says, his lips trembling, and his head turning to the side and into the pillow.

"Fuck, 'course, baby. Did so good." Dean says, and suddenly the cock ring is unfastened and one stroke of Dean's hand on his cock has Castiel coming in long ropes all over his stomach. 

Castiel cries out as his cock empties itself. When his cock is finally done, twitching against his stomach, Castiel whimpers, a few last tears falling down his face. 

"Good boy. Good boy. There you go." Dean says, his voice so much softer than Castiel has ever heard it. Dean's hands quickly untie his own from the headboard and brings them down by his side, kissing them as he does. Suddenly Dean is gone from the bed and Castiel listens as Dean walks into the bathroom, turns the sink on and off and returns with Castiel's hand towel, now wet, to wipe his own cock and then Castiel. He wipes the lube up from his ass and thighs before wiping all of the come off his front and chin, throwing it into Castiel's dirty laundry basket when he's done. He takes the pillow from underneath Castiel's hips and places it back behind the other one.

Dean then, surprisingly, cups Castiels face so softly that Castiel thinks he's dreaming. He turns Castiel's head until he catches Dean's eye. Dean's thumbs wipe away the wetness from his face, placing kisses there instead. "Good boy. You were so good. So good for me. Always so good for me."

Castiel doesn't know why, maybe it's because of Alastair and his two idiot friends, maybe it's because of his family or maybe it's because no one's ever spoken to him like this before, but more tears slip out. He looks away again, trying to hide it from Dean because this is so embarrassing. Why is he crying now? But Dean doesn't seem repulsed at all. He just pulls Castiel up into a sitting position and wraps his arms around Castiel's back, pulling him close.

"Hey, it's okay. It's okay. Just let it out." 

So Castiel does. He cries freely into the crook of Dean's neck, his hands coming up to grip Dean's biceps. He doesn't know how long it lasts, all he knows is that, Dean keeps telling him that it's okay. 

When he finally calms down, Dean immediately pulls away and Castiel fears that now that it's over Dean will laugh at him or just outright leave without another word but that's not what happens at all.

"Fuck, Cas. I'm really fucking sorry. I didn't mean - I didn't think it would, you know, go this far. _Fuck_ , I mean, did you even enjoy it? Because if -"

" _Dean_." Castiel says, his voice cracking slightly. Dean stops at that, looking Castiel in the eye and he can see that Dean's eyes are filled with guilt. "It's not your fault. Bad day, remember?" Castiel lies, but the relief that fills Dean's face is worth it. "And I did enjoy it."

Dean nods, and looks away, awkwardly. "Okay, good. Great. I - uh - yeah, okay."

"Will you stay?" Castiel asks, hope swelling in his chest. Dean's head whips back around, his mouth slightly open.

"Um, yeah. Yeah, sure. Probably should - just to, you know, make sure you're...okay." Dean says, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. Castiel never thought he'd see the day when Dean Winchester would be flustered. And by him? 

"Thank you." Castiel says, quietly, lowering his eyes.

"Yeah, ah, no problem. Should probably get some clothes on then." Castiel nods, as Dean gets up and pulls on his own boxers and t-shirt before collecting Castiel's and helping him into them. Castiel then lies down on the open side and Dean awkwardly climbs over him to the wall side of his bed. 

Castiel reaches over and turns the light off, entrenching them in darkness. Castiel can hear Dean shuffling around and occasionally even knocking into Castiel. 

Castiel feels anxiety welling in his chest but somehow he's able to sum up the courage to ask. "Can you hold me?"

Dean's shuffling immediately stops and the silence and the fact that he has his back to Dean and can't see him only makes Castiel a hundred more times anxious. 

"Uh, sure. Yeah, okay. I can - uh - do that." 

Castiel's anxiety immediately deflates. Dean shuffles around again but finally he feels an arm wrap around his stomach and then he's being pulled back against Dean's chest. Dean clears his throat, finally settling, his breath warm against the back of Castiel's neck.

"Thank you." Castiel whispers into the silence.

"Ah - no problem." A beat. "Night, Cas."

"Goodnight, Dean."

For the first time in a long time, Castiel has no trouble in falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> A big sorry for this chapter being a little late! I realised how busy I was going to be tomorrow so I knew I had to get it out tonight and I did! Yay! Anyways, it is super late so I am going to bed!
> 
> Again thank you guys for all your comments. I love hearing from you guys so please don't stop now! <3


	5. Chapter 5

Castiel's eyelids flutter open to the feeling of a body pressed up against him and an arm thrown over him. No, not thrown. It's gripping him tightly, holding him in place. For a moment he has no idea what's going on but that passes in an instant. Because how could he forget what happened last night? They had sex. Castiel then embarrassingly broke down and cried. And then he asked Dean to stay. Right.

Dean Winchester stayed. Over night. In his bed. Holding him. It shouldn't be weird. Dean slept in his bed the other week. But that was during the day, for only a few hours and Dean had definitely not been holding him.

Castiel shuffles slightly, craning his neck to look at his alarm clock. It's nearly eleven.

"You awake?" Castiel stills at the sound of Dean's voice, all low and gruff. He turns slowly to find Dean staring back at him. "I'll take that as a yes." Dean says.

"Why haven't you left yet?" Castiel asks, scrunching his eyebrows together. Dean's arm retracts suddenly, uncurling itself from where it was wrapped around Castiel. Castiel feels a vague sense of disappointment but brushes it off.

"I, uh, just wanted to make sure you were okay. From last night, I mean." Dean says, his eyes suddenly averting away from Castiel's own curious ones. "And I didn't want to wake you, so...are you okay?"

Castiel looks down and only then does he realise how tired his limbs are. _And_ how emotionally drained he feels.

"I don't know." Castiel says, quietly. The light touch of Dean's hand rests on his waist and for some reason it makes him feels slightly better.

"Is there anything that I can maybe do to help then?"

Castiel's broken from his train of thoughts and his eyes immediately flicker back up to Dean's, who is staring at him with a seemingly shy look on his face. Did Dean just ask if Castiel needed his help? Did that really just happen?

Castiel seems to stare it him for a while because eventually Dean's cheeks begin to heat up and he looks away. "I just don't want to leave you and then you have another break down because that would be on me."

Castiel tilts his head. Why does Dean suddenly feel guilt about this? Maybe because Dean's never actually seen Castiel cry before. Castiel's never given him the satisfaction but honestly what does Dean think happens? Does he really think that what he says and does never affects Castiel? Castiel shakes his head. "What happened last night was not your fault, Dean. I told you, I had a bad day."

Dean rubs a hand down his face. "Yeah, okay but if I hadn't made you do...that then it wouldn't of happened. I mean you were already tired and you clearly didn't want to have sex and I just - "

"Dean." Castiel grabs the hand that's resting in his hip and squeezes it tight. "It's okay. If I really didn't want to do it I would have said so. And what about that word. Crossroad. I could've used it, couldn't I? And you would've stopped, right?"

Dean swallows but nods. "Right."

"I could've used it at any point but I didn't. Now will you please help me into the shower because I don't think I can physically hold myself up for very long." Castiel says, and he doesn't really know where it came from but he knows that he's not getting out of this bed by himself and he really is starting to smell. Because Castiel did sweat last night during their _activity_.

Dean's eyes widen and he opens his mouth a few times before saying, "Yeah, sure. I can - I can do that. Definitely do that."

Castiel smiles. It's small and he doesn't know why but seeing Dean flustered, and flustered because of him, for some crazy reason, makes him smile.

Dean carefully climbs over Castiel, making sure not to bump him on the way and hops off the bed. Castiel's vaguely aware of the emptiness where Dean's hand once was. He watches as Dean walks off towards the bathroom, and Castiel thinks he sees a bit of a skip in Dean's step but his brain is so tired that it might just be him dreaming.

Castiel slumps back down into his pillow, listening as the sound of the water is turned on and waits a minute or so until Dean comes back out again. Dean quickly pulls his shirt up and over his head and Castiel would admire the view but he feels like he might fall back to sleep any moment now. 

"Okay, let me help you up." Dean says, leaning down and helping Castiel sit up. Castiel grumbles but obliges, throwing his legs over the side of the bed. Castiel grabs a hold of Dean's arm as he's pulled up, quickly moving both hands to Dean's shoulders as he realises how sore his legs are from being clenched the entire time Dean was teasing him last night. Castiel huffs, looking up to see how close he is to Dean's face. He should be used to it by now. But of course he's not.

"Can you walk or am I going to have to carry you?" Dean asks, a smirk playing at the corner of his lips.

Castiel rolls his eyes. "Fuck you. I can...walk." Castiel retorts, before heading off to the bathroom. Dean chuckles and follows close behind. Castiel kind of wishes Dean did carry him. Like when he was in Dean's arms last night. He liked that. And his legs would probably thank him.

Castiel stops before the shower, pulling his own shirt off when he turns to see Dean taking his boxers off, leaving him standing naked in the middle of Castiel's bathroom.

"What are you...doing?" Castiel asks, waving his hand in the general direction of Dean's lower body.

"What? You shower with your clothes on?" Dean says, taking a few steps to close the distance between them.

"No. I just - " Castiel looks away. He asked Dean to help him into the shower not take a shower with him. Castiel's mind is spinning. He should just tell Dean to leave. Fuck buddies certainly don't take non sexual showers together. Do they?

"So, are you going to take your pants off so we can get in the shower? Or are we going to stand here until it goes cold?"

Castiel blushes. Why is Dean standing so close? Why does Dean have to be so confident in his own naked body? Such a fucking asshole.

"Why're you being shy?" Dean asks, all the concern from his voice gone and Castiel knows without looking that he's smirking. "You know I've seen all of you before, right?"

"Fuck off." Castiel grumbles, shoving his pants down before stepping into the shower. "I thought you were supposed to be helping me not being a dick about it."

Dean laughs, stepping into the shower after him. "I am. I just can't help it."

"Can't help what? Being a dick?"  
  
Dean rolls his eyes. "Fine. You win. I won't say anything."

Castiel sighs, putting his hands under the warm spray before stepping under it himself. His legs feel like jelly. His arms feel like jelly. Maybe he should ask Dean to hold him or something. No! What is he thinking? They're not a fucking couple. This is Dean Winchester for Christ's sake.

"Do you need me to hold you up? You don't look very stable." Dean says, and Castiel looks up to see him casually resting against the opposite wall like his dick isn't just hanging out. Of course he fucking said it. Now Castiel has to answer. He should say no, right? Like he should've said no to Dean getting in the shower with him, or coming over last night or the week before that or the night when this whole thing started. He doesn't seem to have a very good track record. Castiel huffs.

"Yes." Castiel says, softly. "That would be helpful." Castiel waits for Dean to make some snide remark but he doesn't get it. Instead Dean nods, walking over to stand in front of Castiel.

This is awkward. This is awkward. Castiel feels his cheeks heat up and he does not look at Dean. Why did he say yes? So he could stand here like an idiot?

"Here. How 'bout this?" Dean says, and before Castiel knows it, Dean is moving him round, until he's backed up into Dean's chest. Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's stomach and rests his chin on Castiel's shoulder, so that his face is out of line of the spray of water. Other than their faces though, the warm spray pounds down on both of them. 

It doesn't help calm him though. Because Castiel's heart is now beating erratically. Surely Dean can feel that. Or hear his breathing become slightly faster. Because this isn't sex. This is - this is...he doesn't know what this is but it's not helping him calm down at all.

Dean's skin is touching him everywhere. It feels like his skin is on -

"Stop thinking." Castiel freezes, not risking a look at Dean. "I thought you were tired. Just relax, okay?" 

Castiel swallows, trying his hardest to let his body relax. Dean tightens his arms around him and after a minute or so, Castiel is melting back against Dean. It's an odd feeling. But it feels good. Dean's body is warm and is even soft somehow considering all of his hard lines and muscles. 

Castiel closes his eyes, letting his head rest back against Dean's shoulder. He hums and feels Dean smile into the side of his neck. It almost makes Castiel smile back but he keeps his face neutral, just in case Dean is watching him.

They stand silently together in the shower for a while. It's peaceful and definitely more relaxing then Castiel first thought. Eventually though, Dean breaks the silence.

"Fuck. Sorry. I'm sorry." he says, lifting his head from Castiel's shoulder and unwinding his arms.

Castiel turns around to see what Dean's talking about and when he does he lets out a small, "Oh." Dean's cock is half hard. A smirk crosses his face. "I'm flattered."

Dean rolls his eyes. "Look, you're naked and wet, pressed up against me. There's only so many G-Rated things I can think about. I'll just - uh - get out and go."

Castiel's eyebrows pull together. "Why do you need to leave?"

Dean sighs, running a hand through his hair. "I don't know. I just thought after last night that - you...I don't want to force you back into something. I mean, you seem a bit fragile at the moment."

Castiel clenches his jaw. "I'm not fucking fragile." Castiel growls, going from calm to angry in an instant. He doesn't even know why this is making him angry. All he knows is that he's definitely not fragile. He's fine. Just because he cried last night doesn't mean he's fragile. He doesn't need someone to cuddle him and do any other sort of sappy bullshit. He's fine.

"Cas, you know I didn't mean it like that."

"Good." Castiel says, reaching out and grabbing a hold of Dean's cock.

"Ah, fuck, Cas. You - " Dean groans, as Castiel starts pumping his fist, his other hand going to clutch at Dean's hip. Dean's hands are on him fast, one arm curling around his lower back to clutch at his ass, the other grabbing his hair and pulling Castiel up for a kiss. 

Castiel's far too tired for this but he lets Dean use him anyway, biting and suck at Castiel's bottom lip and groping his ass all he wants. Castiel does his best to keep his own hand moving where it's trapped with Dean's cock in between their stomachs. 

Dean moans at a particularly hard jerk of Castiel's hand. "You know, if I weren't so tired, I'd get down on my knees and suck you off." Castiel says, loving the way Dean's mouth hangs open slightly at that, his eyes still shut.

"Yeah? You let me fuck that pretty mouth of yours?" Dean says, panting against Castiel's cheek. Castiel wishes he wasn't so tired right now. He can feel his own cock twitch slightly but it's too spent from last night's orgasm for him to get it up again.

"Yes, Dean." he replies, making his voice go as low as possible. Dean's hands grip him harder, one pulling at his hair and the other running all over Castiel's ass. 

When Dean starts to thrust up against his stomach, Castiel knows he's close. So he brings his thumb up to the tip of Dean's cock and rubs it over the slit while he moves his free hand to come over and jerk Dean's cock as fast as his tired limbs will allow him.

" _Ah, fuck, fuck_ , I'm gonna - " Dean's mouth hangs open as he silently comes in spurts in between their stomachs and all over Castiel's hand. Castiel pumps him through it until Dean finally sags and rests his head on Castiel's shoulder. 

"I would do you but it doesn't look like you need it."

Castiel huffs. "We should probably get out now. The water's going to go cold." he says, using the water to wipe away the come that's clinging to them. 

"Right." 

They hop out, Castiel offering Dean a spare towel before drying off. Castiel's just finished pulling a shirt and sweatpants on when Dean laughs. 

"What?" Castiel says, looking up to see Dean pulling on his jacket. 

"Nothing. It's just, ah, do you even try to tame your hair or is it always a mess." Dean says, a grin on his face.

Castiel frowns, suddenly becoming self conscious. "Of course I do. It's harder than you think." he says, bringing a hand up in an attempt to flatten his hair down.

"No, don't do that. I like it." Dean says, walking over to ruffle Castiel's hair. "It's cute."

Castiel scoffs but looks away to hide the blush that spreads onto his cheeks. A finger under his chin though, makes him meet Dean's eyes again.

"I'll see you tomorrow?" he asks, and Castiel thinks he sees a little shine of hope in his eyes.

Castiel nods. "Okay."

Dean smiles, one that Castiel's doesn't get to see a lot. It's his genuine one, not the one who uses when he's mocking Castiel or laughing at him. He likes it. It looks good on Dean.

"Great. I'll see you tomorrow, then." and then he's leaning down and placing a small kiss on Castiel's lips. Castiel's lips part in surprise and he watches as Dean winks at him as he walks over to the door.

"Also, you can keep your present." Dean says, over his shoulder before closing the door behind him. 

Castiel doesn't move for a few seconds, contemplating what just happened. That kiss was strangely out of place. Castiel shakes his head. This whole morning seemed out of place. 

But he helped Dean get off and that's not out of place so everything's fine. Everything's back to normal. 

***

The next day goes by slowly. Castiel got a text from Anna this morning which he opened to find a picture of her all decked out in ski gear. And she actually had a smile on her face. The text read, 'Okay, so maybe this holiday is a little better than I thought. I'll have to bring you sometime.'. He got a few winky faces from Gabe, which he knows were sent when he was drunk.

He also woke up to a missed call from his mother. He didn't call her back. She's probably just wondering where he is and he honestly can't be bothered to answer. She wouldn't care anyway. And besides he'll be there soon enough. 

He just got back from his afternoon trip to the library, which thankfully is still open during most days of the holidays and now he's reading a book on his bed because what else would he be doing? Well, there are a _few_ other things.

That's why as it starts to get dark, Castiel begins to get restless, not being able to concentrate on his book and switching between looking at that or his phone. Dean said yesterday that he'd see him tomorrow. He hasn't heard from him all day though. He knows he shouldn't be this desperate to see him. It's not like Dean has to come over. He's probably doing his own things with his own friends.

Maybe that's why Castiel wants to see Dean so much. Maybe it's because Gabe and Anna have left and he doesn't really have any other friends that are as close to him as them. But Dean's not his friend. He's just...it's nice to be around someone during the holidays and well, Dean is someone.

Castiel's phone begins to ring beside him and excitement wells up in his chest. It plummets, however, when he sees it's just his mother calling him again. He sighs, waiting until the call cuts out. He'll pick up tomorrow and let her know he's coming down in a few days. Who knows, he could be in an exam right now. And he could've been in one this morning too and that's why he didn't answer the phone. She wouldn't know.

The next few hours pass by a bit faster than the last ones. Castiel goes out to get himself some dinner, grabbing a burger from the closest diner and eating it there before heading back to his dorm. He's tired when he gets back, pulling off his shoes and jacket off and plopping down on his bed again. He shouldn't be, considering he did barely anything today. Well, maybe that's why.

He reads a few more chapters of his book before he decides it's time to get changed and go to sleep.

Just as he's pulling his grey pyjama shirt on he hears a knock at his door. He quickly changes into his boxers, excitement filling him for the second time in the evening. He doesn't know who else it could be. Although, Dean didn't text him but that's happened before. 

He's relieved when he opens the door to see Dean standing there. One glance at him however, shows that he's got a sports bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hey, Ca...holy shit, you still have your glasses?" Dean says, mouth open in a half smile.

Castiel blushes. Fuck. He forgot to take them off like he usually does. This is so embarrassing. His glasses were one of the things Dean used to tease him about. He reaches a hand up to take them off when he's stopped by Dean.

"No, no, no, fuck me, leave them on, please." Dean says, quickly stepping past him and pulling Castiel inside with them. Once the door is shut and Dean has thrown his bag down on the floor somewhere, hands fly up to grab either side of his face.

"God, you're so fucking hot. I can't believe I forgot about these." Dean says, smashing his lips into Castiel's. "Fuck, I would totally fuck you right now but I think I'm about a few minutes away from passing out."

Dean lets go of Castiel's face and grabs his hands pulling Castiel with him as he walks backwards until he sits down in Castiel's desk chair. Meanwhile, Castiel's mind is absolutely spinning. But then again Dean always seems to have that affect on him.

"C'mere." Dean says, guiding Castiel down to sit on his lap and wrapping his arms around Castiel when he does. Dean leans up kissing him again and nudging Castiel's glasses slightly with his nose. When he pulls away, Castiel can smell the alcohol on his breath. Dean laughs. "You're so cute." he says, reaching a hand up to fix his glasses.

"And you're drunk." Castiel says, eyeing Dean as he placing his hands on Dean's shoulders.

Dean scoffs. "What? No, I'm not. I had a few beers with some guys after training. And then I wanted to - you know, your dorm was closer than my place so I walked here."

"I don't believe that."

Dean looks at him incredulously. "Why not?"

Castiel averts his eyes. "Because if you were sober, surely you would remember you used to tease me about my glasses in high school. It's one of the main reasons why I don't wear them around anymore."

"Fuck, Cas. I'm sorry... You know, I only did that because you were fucking cute in them, right? And hot. Like you couldn't of been just one? Or none? But you were both and it was so fucking frustrating."

Castiel rolls his eyes. "You think I'm frustrating? You're the most frustrating person I've ever met." 

Dean grins. "I know. But you still like me." he says, in the most ridiculous singsongy voice but it somehow makes Castiel smile.

"No, I don't."

"Yes, you do." Dean says, quickly leaning forward to peck little kisses on the side of his neck. Okay, he may not be drunk but he is definitely tipsy because Dean would never do this. But despite knowing that, Castiel lets it happen anyway because there's a warmth in his chest and it's making him feel good. 

"No, I - _Dean_!" Castiel yelps, wrapping his legs around Dean's waist, as Dean stands up, taking him with him. Castiel lands on the bed with an oomph, Dean's weight landing on top of him before he's able to get his elbows out underneath him.

"You like me." Dean says, and he has a dopey smile on his face.

"I hate you."

Dean pouts. "Why do you hate me?"

"Because you're an asshole." 

A small smile pulls at Dean's lips and suddenly his eyes go soft. "Yeah, and this asshole," Dean moves his arms up near Castiel's face, a hand brushing the hairs out of his face, "thinks that you should start wearing your glasses again because when he said he didn't like them he was lying."

Something swells inside of Castiel's chest and when he speaks it's softer than usual. "Really?"

"Yeah, really."

Castiel surges up and kisses Dean, pulling him down until his body covers all of Castiel. It's slow and languid and has Castiel's heart beating nearly faster than it does when it's fast and rough. It's such a foreign feeling and yet Castiel already knows that he wants to feel it again and again and again.

Dean pulls away eventually, but he doesn't go far, his nose still resting against Castiel's, their breath mingling together. 

"I think...I'm gonna take my clothes off," Castiel quirks an eyebrow, making Dean smirk, "not all of them. And then I'm going to collapse onto your bed and fall asleep. You with me?"

"Of course." Castiel says, but if only he could hang onto Dean for a moment longer. Dean places one more kiss on his lips before pushing himself up, however, not without letting out some over exaggerated grunts.

Dean pulls off his clothes until he's down to only his boxers. Castiel doesn't know what made him take his shirt off but he's definitely not going to complain. He pulls the covers out from underneath him and watches as Dean clambers over him and practically falls down onto the bed next to him. Castiel chuckles, removing his glasses and placing them on the bedside table. 

A phone chime goes off somewhere from the floor, probably still in one of Dean's jean pockets. Dean groans.

"You need to get that?" Castiel asks.

"No, it's probably just Sam." Dean grumbles.

"Sam, right. He, uh, lives in an apartment with you, doesn't he?" Castiel says, thinking back to that day in the library.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. 'Course. He's probably just wondering where I am."

Castiel thinks back to the few times he'd met the younger Winchester. "How is Sam?" he asks, a fond smile on his face.

Dean squints, already looking like he's half asleep. "Sam? Sam's great. Why? How do you even know Sam?" 

Castiel raises an eyebrows. He thinks he hears a bit of jealousy in Dean's tone but he's not totally sure. "I met him a few times at high school. It's hard to forget the only Winchester brother who was nice to me."

"I was - I..." Castiel laughs as Dean struggles to come up with anything to say. Dean grumbles some more. "Fuck you."

"Asshole." Castiel replies. They continue to stare at each other for a few moments before Castiel breaks it. "I'm going to...turn off the light."

"Yep. Good idea." Dean says, clearing his throat as Castiel leans over and flips the switch. He settles down onto the mattress, getting himself comfortable.

Beside him Dean remains silent and Castiel thinks that he's probably already fallen asleep. But then he hears Dean shifting and suddenly an arm is thrown over his waist and he's pulled back against Dean's chest. Castiel's breath hitches but Dean doesn't seem to notice because he continues to stay silent.

After a few moments, Castiel begins to relax. It shouldn't be any different from the other night but it is. Because the other night Castiel asked Dean to hold him. Now, Dean just...did it.

Castiel's thankful he's so tired or else he would've been up all night thinking about what it means.

***

Castiel wakes to the feeling of Dean's clothed cock rutting up and down slowly behind him. Dean's hand on his stomach is under his shirt and resting just above his waistband, fingers smoothing down underneath it occasionally but not going any further.

" _Dean_." Castiel moans, already fully awake, as he grabs Dean's hand and pushes it underneath his boxers and towards his cock.

"Uh, fuck, Cas. I swear if you didn't wake up I was gonna fucking explode. Need to be inside you." Dean growls, grabbing Castiel's cock and stroking it to hardness.

Castiel bites his lip, whimpering.

"Lube, Cas. Now." Dean says, and Castiel does not hesitate in obeying his request, reaching down to the bottom drawer and fumbling around until he finds some. Dean practically rips it out of his hand when Castiel passes it over.

The hand on Castiel's cock is withdrawn, making Castiel whine. 

"Pants off." Dean demands, and Castiel does, shoving them down awkwardly under the sheets until he gets his legs free. Dean's other arm somehow finds it's way between Castiel and the mattress and hooks up under his armpit to rest across Castiel's chest. 

A moment later, a cold finger works it's way between Castiel's asscheeks and towards his hole. Dean's thick finger pressing inside him is enough to have him squirming. He knows it hasn't been too long but Dean's not the only one dying to have his cock inside of Castiel.

"Fuck, Dean. Need you to fill me up - _uh_!" Castiel moans as a second finger is thrust in at the same time as one of his nipples is pinched. Dean's fingers sooth over it before pinching it again and making Castiel buck forward.

"Yeah, baby. You want that? Want me to fill you up with my big cock?" Dean says, biting Castiel's earlobe. 

"Mhmm, ye - yes, Dean." Castiel replies, nodding jerkily as a third finger is added, stretching his hole wide.

"That's what I like to hear. Fuck, baby. So perfect for me." Dean says, thrusting his three fingers in and out harshly. Castiel cries out when they find his prostate. "Mm, fuck yeah.Sounds like you're ready for my cock, baby." and then Dean's thick fingers are gone.

Castiel pants loudly, and listens to Dean shuffling around beside him before he sees a pair of boxers go flying over the side of the bed. 

"Shit, Cas. Get up. Up on your knees." 

Castiel hesitates for only a moment, confused as to what Dean's doing but obeys anyway, scrambling up until he's on all fours. 

"Good. You ever ridden anyone before, Cas?" Dean asks, with a smirk. Castiel's eyes widen and he can feel a blush spreading down to his chest. "Or any of those toys you got?"

Castiel swallows, nodding as Dean spreads his own legs obscenely wide. "My - my dildo. I've ridden my dildo." he says, and he really hopes Dean doesn't push the subject. Thankfully, he doesn't.

"Fuck, baby. Gotta watch you do that sometime. But now, you're gonna fucking ride me into the sunset got that?" Dean says, and it's more of a command than a question so Castiel puts one knee over the other side of Dean's hips and watches nervously as Dean lubes up his cock.

God, he hopes he won't stuff this up. Hopefully, his dildo sessions pay off.

"Alright, baby. Sink down on my cock. C'mon." Dean says, slapping Castiel on the ass, before gripping his hands on either side of Castiel's hips.

Castiel's breaths are coming fast as he reaches behind him and grabs Dean's cock. He slowly guides it to his entrance, placing it against his rim before sinking down inch by inch. 

"Shit, baby. Nearly forgot how tight you were for me." Dean says, his hands sliding down until they rest on top of Castiel's thighs. Castiel places his hands just below Dean's chest and gives a slow experimental roll of his hips. "Oh yeah, just like that, Cas. Just like that."

Just as Castiel's about to try again, Dean stops him. "Wait! Wait, shit, I nearly forgot." he says, and then he's leaning over to the bedside table and grabbing Castiel's glasses. Castiel suddenly feels embarrassed and looks away. "C'mon, baby. Look at me." Castiel hesitates a moment before obliging and watching Dean as he places Castiel's glasses on his face. Dean leans back when he's done, staring at Castiel with his mouth half open.

"Fuck, Cas. You're beautiful." 

Castiel's eyes widen and his cheeks turn red. Did Dean just call him beautiful? When Castiel opens his mouth to say something it seems that Dean notices his slip but if he does, the surprise doesn't stay on his face for long because Castiel's quickly being pulled down into a heated kiss. Dean sucks and bites at Castiel's lips, his hands coming up to grope Castiel's asscheeks before travelling up to Castiel's chest and pushing him back up. The moment now, forgotten. 

"You gonna ride me or what?" Dean asks, settling his hands back to where they were resting on Castiel's hips. 

Castiel pushes his glasses up from where they've fallen, placing his hands back down on Dean before rolling his hips again, slowly back and forth.

Castiel cries out when Dean slaps his ass again. "Faster, baby. C'mon. Ride me hard." Dean growls, making Castiel whimper and close his eyes. 

He takes a few deep breaths before jerking his hips forward faster than before. " _Fuck_ , that's it, baby. Keep going. God, you look so fucking hot in your glasses."

Castiel lets out little breathy moans as he speeds his hips up, leaning his weight forward onto his hands and then back off, doing it over and over again, his hard cock bouncing against his stomach, smearing precome against it.

"Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck." Dean mumbles, his eyes closing briefly as Castiel rides him fast.

Suddenly, Dean moves his legs, planting his feet on the mattress and making Castiel lean slightly further forward. Castiel's hips stutter and Dean's own take that cue to thrust up into him. 

" _Uh!_ _Fuck, Dean_." Castiel shouts, as Dean hits his prostate immediately. 

Dean just smirks and does it again, thrusting up into Castiel's tight heat. Dean's grip on Castiel's hips is so tight that he knows there going to leave bruises. 

"Uh, uh, f-fuck, Dean. I'm close. I'm close." Castiel mutters, his breath coming faster with each thrust. 

"What I like to hear." Dean grunts out before thrusting up faster than before. Castiel's a whimpering mess, making noises on every pump of Dean's hips. He can do nothing but brace himself on his shaking arms as he bounces up and down on Dean's cock.

"Dean, please - _uh_ \- please touch me. Please let me come." Castiel begs, his voice wrecked as his glasses slide down slightly on his nose. 

"'Course, baby. Been so fucking good." Dean says, one hand leaving Castiel's hip to grab his pulsing cock. Dean strokes it fast, his hand slick from Castiel's precome. "Gonna come for me, Cas? C'mon, come for me." Dean says, and in one, two, three strokes, Castiel's crying out as he comes all across Dean's chest. 

Dean strokes him through it, his own hips stuttering as he thrusts up a few last times, his balls slapping Castiel's ass, and then Castiel feels warm, liquid filling him up. 

Castiel promptly falls onto Dean's chest, not caring that it's splattered with his own come. Dean's hands move from Castiel's hips to grasp his ass, thrusting his cock in a few more times to empty himself before relaxing back into the mattress.

Dean hums, wrapping his arms around Castiel. "Wow. I can't believe we haven't done that before. I mean, your glasses..." Dean whistles, making Castiel chuckle against Dean's chest.

"So, that was okay?" Castiel asks, looking up to meet Dean's eyes. 

"Okay? That was fucking fantastic." Dean says, a big grin plastered on his face. Castiel smiles back, and Dean pushes him onto his back slowly, giving him a quick kiss before hopping off the bed. Castiel watches lazily as Dean heads into the bathroom and comes out with a washcloth, wiping himself down before he gets to Castiel. Dean softly wipes Castiel's chest and spent cock before opening Castiel's legs and wiping the mixture of lube and come from where it's leaking out of his hole. 

Dean throws it towards the clothes basket after he's done before leaning back down and resting his elbows on either side of Castiel's head. Castiel pushes his glasses up from where they've slid down, much to Dean's amusement. 

Suddenly an idea pops into Castiel's head. He bites his lip, wondering whether he should ask or not and despite the small voice at the back of his mind telling him not too, he does anyway. 

"Um, Dean?" 

Dean smiles. "Yes, Cas."

"May I...ask what you're doing today?" Castiel asks, still a bit unsure.

"Uh, I don't know. Why?" 

Castiel hesitates. "Would you like to...I don't know...do something with me, today?" Castiel asks, eyes peeking out from under his lashes.

Dean's eyebrows furrow. "Ah, sure. I mean, I don't know if I can get it up again for a while though." Dean says, grinning.

Castiel smiles slightly, shaking his head. "No, I mean, would you like to...go out somewhere with me?" 

"Oh." Dean says, looking thoughtful for a moment but then his face falls. "Oh, uh, no. Sorry, Cas. I just realised I had - uh - work today." Dean says, lifting himself up onto his hands. Castiel's heart sinks. "I - uh - do you know what the time is? Fuck, I can't believe I forgot." 

Castiels feels disappointment rise in his chest but he looks over to his alarm clock anyway. "It's just past nine." Castiel says, his voice flat. 

"Ah, fuck. I should really get going. Can't be late." Dean says, practically jumping off the bed and rustling around to pull on his different items of clothing. 

Castiel sits up, pulling the sheets up to cover himself and watches silently as Dean gets dressed. Dean doesn't even seem to do that properly though, pulling on his boots and shoving the laces down the side, throwing his jacket over his sports bag and slinging it over his shoulder when he's done. 

"Sorry, I gotta run. See you later, Cas." Dean says, and then the door is shutting behind him.

"See you later, Dean." Castiel mumbles to himself. 

There's an ache in his chest. There shouldn't be. It's not like Dean rejected him. He's just busy. Castiel lies back down on his bed with a sigh and wishes for the ache to go away. 

***

The ache in his chest leaves after a while but the rest of Castiel's day doesn't get any better. He does basically nothing. He reads, eats and watches netflix on his computer. 

But now, thankfully, it's dark, which means he can go to sleep soon and forget about today. He's contemplating between starting a new tv series or a new book series when he gets a text. 

Hope lurches in his chest but it only deflates when he picks it up to see it's from his mother. Shit. He forgot to ring her today like he said he would. Castiel sighs opening it up to read what it says. His heart sinks.

_**Mother** _

_**Castiel, unfortunately due to your own lack of response I will have to let you know this via text. The family all think it's best if you do not come down for Christmas. You only bring your own disappointments and lack of respect for us all. Receiving this might not even be an issue for you considering you haven't even been polite enough to show up anyway. Maybe if your attitude changes along with some other things we've talked about, you will be invited back next year. Sincerely, Your Mother.** _

Castiel's hand tightens around his phone and he can feel tears prick at the corner of his eyes. Fuck, fuck, this isn't happening. This isn't happening. His family is a bunch of fucking dickheads but they're not like this. He squeezes his eyes shut, standing up from his bed to pace the room. Fuck, he needs someone. He needs - he needs Dean. Fuck, fuck. He needs Dean.

His hands shakes as he tries to find Dean's number on his phone. When he does he quickly sends a text.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Where are you?** _

Tears form at the corner of his eyes as he anxiously waits for a response. Relief flows through him when he gets one only a minute or so later.

**_Asshole_ **

**_At a party. Why?_ **

Fuck. He can just ask Dean to leave and come here. No, he can't fucking ask him that. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Where's the party?** _

Castiel waits impatiently but finally Dean sends the address through. Castiel doesn't even think about how Dean doesn't ask him why. He's only relieved that the party is at one of the closer sorority houses.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Okay. I'll be there in ten minutes.** _

Castiel pockets his phone and pulls on his shoes and a jacket before storming out the door. He runs a frustrated hand through his hair before wiping his eyes. Fuck, this can't be happening. Why is this happening?

Castiel's out of his dorm building and has to fight off the urge to run all the way to Dean. The cold air makes hims shiver so he only walks faster. When he gets to the street he wants, he can immediately see which house it is and this time he does start running, the party so loud that he can barely even hear his feet hitting the pavement.

When Castiel reaches the door he's only faced with another problem. How's he supposed to find Dean? There's probably hundreds of people here. Castiel closes his eyes, telling himself he's going to be fine. And he is. He just needs to find Dean. He doesn't even know what he's going to do when he gets to him but what he does know is that he needs to find him. Castiel takes a few deep breaths and walks inside. 

The party has lights but most of them are dimmed, making it even harder for Castiel to see. He pushes through most of the crowd, going from room to room, knocking into people along the way. He swears he's searched the whole bottom floor when he turns towards the stairs and sees him.

If his heart hadn't already shattered, it does now. Because there, sitting on a couch just to the side of the stairs is Dean. A girl in his lap. His hands all over her. And he's kissing her.

Castiel's eyes start to water again. He looks away and starts pushing his way back to the door. He's almost there when an arm grabs him. 

"Hey, faggot! Didn't think I'd see you here!" Alastair shouts above the music.

Castiel feels like he's about to be set off. "Not fucking now!" Castiel shouts back, yanking his arm as hard as he can and pulling it out of Alastair's grasp. Then he's turning and running out the front door. 

By the time he hears Alastair's faint yelling behind him, Castiel's already halfway down the street. Castiel doesn't even notice he's crying until he's nearly all the way back to his dorm. The few people who are still out on the campus give him strange looks but he barely notices them. 

Castiel finally slows when he reaches his door, opening it as quickly as he can and slamming it closed behind him, not caring that anyone could hear it. Castiel breathes hard, his hands resting on his desk.

No, no, no. 

In a sudden fit of rage Castiel slams his fists onto his desk before swiping everything off and into the wall before they fall to the floor in one go. 

"Fuck, fuck, no. Please, no." Castiel mutters, quietly as his tears start falling again. Castiel lets out a broken sound before he crumbles, sinking down against the wall and sobbing into his knees. The pain in his chest feels like someone is reaching inside and squeezing his heart as hard as they can.

It hurts. And fuck, he just wishes he had someone to hold him. And why he though that person would be Dean, he's not sure. Because why the fuck, would Dean fucking Winchester ever care about him?

It's fucking ironic. Because he feels it. He's fragile. He's fucking fragile and he just needs someone to tell him that it's going to be okay. He needs someone that cares about him like he's the most important fucking thing in the world. But he doesn't have that someone. So he cries.

And when the sun comes up, Castiel's still lying on the ground and he's barely slept at all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobic Language

His face is crusty from all the tears that have dried there. His back aches from lying on the floor all night. His head hurts from, well, everything. Most of all though, he just feels tired. But he can't fall asleep. No matter how hard he tried for the last few hours. It's as if his mind didn't want him to. It wanted him to sit there and think about all the things that have gone wrong in his life and how the common denominator is just because he is who he is.

Maybe he's just not a good person. Maybe that's why these things happen to him. It wouldn't explain why Anna and Gabriel are still by his side but who knows. Maybe they'll leave him too. Maybe they'll find out about what happened with Dean. Maybe they'll hate him for it and tell him that he should have seen it coming. That if anyone, it was Castiel who should’ve known that Dean Winchester is no good. Or maybe it's him that's no good.

Castiel believes the latter. At least in this moment he does.

Castiel wants to cry again but he feels like his body has emptied itself of all emotion. He guesses he'll just have to wait a little bit before it recharges. Castiel moves slightly and cringes at the discomfort lying on the floor all night has caused him. He should shower. Let some warm water relieve his muscles. Maybe it will even make him feel better. Allow him to sleep.

So he does. Somehow, he lifts himself up off the floor and walks towards the bathroom, not looking at the mess he leaves behind him. He bypasses the mirror, not taking a glance, and reaches inside the shower stall to turn the water on. He begins the slow and tedious task of taking his clothes off, starting with his shoes. He tugs and pulls and throws everything in a pile on the bathroom floor before stepping into the shower.

The first touch of the warm water on his skin is an instant relief. He immediately submerges his head under it, relishing in the feel of his mind being unclouded. The water flows down his skin, soothing over his aching muscles, right down to his feet. He stands for as long as he can before he feels like he's going to collapse. He adjusts the shower head and awkwardly falls to the floor, his back against the wall and his knees pulled up to his chest.

He breathes. He hugs his knees with his arms and turns his face to the side, just out of line of the spray. He focuses on his breath, the inhale and exhale. He thinks again about texting Anna and Gabriel. He wasn't thinking straight before. They would never leave him. He was just being stupid. They're his friends. His best friends. They've been with him through Dean bullying him in high school, why is this any different?

Castiel sighs. Because it is different. It's crazy. Castiel doesn't even know why he started this in the first place. All he knows is that Dean made him feel good. And not just when they were having mindless sex. He felt good when Dean held him and took care of him. He felt good when Dean teased him but not in the way he used to. In the way that people do when they like each other. He felt good when Dean called him cute, when he called him beautiful. Because no matter how lust riddled his brain was he could never forget that.

His chest starts to hurt at the thought of it. How it all went to dust. Castiel reaches up and turns off the water. He doesn't stay sitting for too long, knowing that if he does he'll start getting cold. He walks out of the shower and grabs a towel, drying himself off before walking past the clothes on the ground and out into his bedroom. 

He shuffles through his chest of drawers to find his most comfortable pair of boxers and pulls them on. Then, since it's a little colder this morning, he grabs out his favourite and oldest pair of sweatpants before pulling them on too. He finishes with his usual grey t shirt on top and for once in the last few hours feels like he could actually fall asleep. 

Castiel turns, intent on heading straight to his bed when he sees the mess he's made on the floor. He won't be able to sleep without cleaning it up first. His shoulders sag but he steps over and begins to clean it up. He starts with his textbooks first, picking them up and placing them back to where they were on the right side of his desk. A cover on one is bent from being left like that all night. Castiel's slightly frustrated at himself but the feeling soon dissipates. He couldn't care less in this moment. He doesn't have the energy.

He bends back down to pick up his papers, putting them on his desk without bothering to go through them and group them together correctly. He can do that tomorrow. Lastly, he collects all of his utensils from the ground. He frustratingly has to get down on his knees to look under his bed and bedside table to see if any of them flew under there. When he's finished gathering them all, he goes to put them back in their holder when he spies a little folded up sticky note poking out from between his papers.

He breathes out, a wave of sadness flooding through him again. He picks it out and opens it up, already knowing what it's going to be before he reads it.

_Had to run. Only one of your textbooks fell victim to your come ;) Text you later, Cas._

It's the note Dean left him that one morning. Castiel distinctly remembers it making him feel good. He remembers smiling. He remembers feeling happy. He reads the note again. How ridiculous.

Castiel crumples the note up in his fist and throws it in the bin. It was dumb of him to keep it in the first place.

With that, Castiel crawls onto his bed and finally collapses. He falls asleep nearly instantly and thankfully his thoughts don't follow him into his dreams.

***

Castiel is woken by a knock at the door. One glance at his alarm clock shows it's one in the afternoon. Castiel's first thought is who in the world would be knocking at his door in one in the afternoon and his second thought is that there would only be one person. Because of course Dean is standing on the other side of his door. Probably waiting to get in so he can have his little jerk off session. 

Castiel buries his face into his pillow. Maybe he should just not answer the door. If he waits long enough maybe Dean will think he's not there and will leave. But then he'll just come back the next day. Or he'll text and call until he finds Castiel. Actually, maybe he won't even do that. Maybe Castiel's not even worth that much effort.

"C'mon, Cas. I know you're in there. Open up." Dean's deep voice comes from the other side of the door. Castiel groans. "I heard that." 

His chest suddenly weighs a tonne. He doesn't want to do this. But of course Dean came and he probably knows how to pick a fucking lock so he'll win either way because he always seems to get his way. Castiel feels the emotion welling up inside of him again as he pushes himself up off the bed. He walks over to the door and rests his palm on the handle. Why does this all have to be so hard? Why can't Castiel's family just care about him? Why can't _Dean_ just care about him? Why can't anyone care about him the way he wants to be cared about?

Another knock on the door startles Castiel and brings him back from his thoughts. He takes a deep breath and opens the door slightly. He usually gets excited to see Dean leaning against the wall with his leather jacket and cocky grin. But now, all of it just makes Castiel want to hit him. 

"You gonna let me in?" Dean asks, eyebrows raised, pushing himself off the wall and leaning in towards Castiel.

"No." Castiel replies, trying to keep the emotion out of his voice. Dean pulls back, his lips pulling down slightly in a frown.

"Okay. Can I ask why not? I mean, I though you'd want me to come over." Dean says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world. Castiel clenches his jaw. As if Dean would know what he wants. Dean raises his eyebrows again at Castiel's silence. "You know, you texted me and seemed like you wanted to see me for something but you never showed up."

Castiel punches out a short, dry laugh, his eyes leaving Dean's for a moment. "Actually, I did show up. And I - ah - found you. You know, with your hands in some random girl's hair." 

Dean huffs. "So that's what this is about?" 

"Of course it fucking is. I mean, did you ever stop to think about me?" 

"About you?" Dean laughs and it feels like Castiel's being stabbed in the chest. "What do you think this is? We're not going fucking steady, Cas!" Dean says, his voice raises and his arms thrown out wide.

Castiel swallows down the emotions as best as he can but he can feel them stick in his throat. He tries his hardest to focus on his breathing but it doesn't last very long. Castiel watches as Dean runs a hand through his hair and looks down the hallway to see if anyone heard him.

"We're not doing this here. Now just let me inside."

"Yeah, you're right, Dean. We're not doing this here and we're not doing it at all. So fuck off." Castiel says, moving out of the way so he can shut the door. But he's stopped by Dean shoving up against it. And of course Dean's stronger than him and pushes his way through anyway.

"Get the fuck out, Dean! You can't just barge in like this!" Castiel shouts as Dean shuts the door behind him.

"Look, Cas, I don't know what you think this is but we're not together, okay? This is a sex thing. I come in, get a good fuck and then leave, got it?"

Tears sting at the back of Castiel's eyes. "So is that it, huh? I'm just your fuck toy?" His voice quivers and he has to use all of his strength to not let it crack. Everything would only go downhill from there.

Dean stares silently for a moment before answering. "No. _No_ , you're not my fuck toy. Why would you think that?"

"Because that's exactly what you just said!" Castiel's chest is heaving and he feels like someone has a hand around his throat and it's making it harder for him to breathe.

"No, I didn't." Dean's jaw clenches and a short burst of laughter bubbles over Castiel's lips.

"Is that so? Then, what are we Dean? Because we're not fucking together so what are we, then?"

"I don't fucking know. We're - we're friends with benefits."

"Friends with benefits?" Castiel says, incredulously. "Really? Because you and I both know we're far from friends. So take away that and what do you have left?"

Dean's fists clench and unclench at his sides and he stares at Castiel with fire in his eyes. After a moment though something else washes over them but Dean looks away before Castiel can make out what it was.

"Fine.  _Fucking fine_." Dean says, throwing his arms out wide. "Believe whatever the fuck you want but I came all the way over here and the least you're gonna do is tell me why you came to find me in the first place."

"Excuse me? You think you have the right to know after this?" Castiel says, fuming.

"What difference does it make?" And Dean looks like he genuinely means it. Castiel feels like he's been slapped in the face. Because of fucking course there's a difference. Before, Castiel thought Dean actually cared about him. He truly believed that. He truly did. And looking back now, it's probably the stupidest thing he's ever believed in.

Castiel breathes out a shaky breath and runs a hand through his hair. "Fine." he says, grabbing his phone off of his bedside table and opening it with trembling fingers. "If you want to know so bad, here. Take a fucking look for yourself." Castiel shoves the phone into Dean's chest before sinking to the ground, his back against his bed.

He rests his elbows on his knees and his face in his palms. He breathes. Because fuck, he needs to focus on something so that he doesn't completely break down. 

Castiel waits and waits for Dean to say something but there's nothing but silence. He only hears Dean moving towards him and then he listens as Dean sinks down next to him.

"Fuck, Cas. I'm sorry. I didn't..." Dean sighs. "You should've told me. I would've come over and, you know, helped take your mind off of things." Dean's voice is much softer than before. Even after what just happened, it's somehow soothing. A small kiss is pressed into Castiel's hair and he can't help but melt into it, letting out a sigh of his own. A hopeful part of him thinks that maybe Dean can at least give him this small bit of comfort if he can't do anything else to make Castiel feel better.

"And you know, I can help take your mind off of things now." Dean says, and Castiel feels a hand rest on his stomach and start to move downwards until it rests over his crotch. All hope is crushed.

"No, Dean. _Stop_." Castiel says, grabbing Dean's hand and pushing it away. "Just leave. Please." 

He hears Dean huff beside him. "Then why did you text me in the first place?" Dean asks, his voice raised slightly. And here he goes again, the anger rising in his bones. 

"I don't know. Maybe because I thought you'd give a fuck." Castiel bites back.

"I do give a fuck!" Dean says, pushing himself up to a standing position. Anger bubbles inside of Castiel because it's the biggest lie he's ever heard.

"No, you don't! You just tried to have sex with me!" 

Dean rubs a hand down his face. "What did you want me to do?"

"At least just listen to me," and hold me, "like a fucking normal person would."

"Well, maybe I'm not good at dealing with these sorts of things." Dean says, throwing his arms out helplessly. 

"Oh wow, Dean Winchester admitting he's not good at something." Castiel retorts, the sarcasm dripping off his tongue.

"Fuck you." Dean snaps, the fire in his eyes back again.

Castiel laughs when a sudden realisation pops into his head. "You didn't really come over to ask about this, did you? You just came over to get a 'good fuck'."

Dean raises his eyebrows at that. "Oh, yeah, Of course. Because I don't have a single ounce of care in my bones. Go fuck yourself, _Novak_." Dean spits, before he turns and walks to the door.

"Don't fucking come back for more!" Castiel shouts as the door is slammed shut.

The sound of it seems to echo off the fucking walls because it's the only thing ringing inside of Castiel's head. He drops his head back in his hands and waits. The anger in his veins fades quickly and this time when the tears fall, he's silent. Almost like he's too tired to make a sound. They just fall and fall until he runs out.

Castiel doesn't leave his room for the rest of the day. 

***

Somehow, the next day Castiel gets up, gets dressed, grabs his backpack and walks all the way across campus to a bus stop. He doesn't know how he did it. It might have been to do with the fact that if he didn't leave his room he was going to go insane. 

Now he watches as the bus to the city arrives just on one o'clock. He hops on, and finds a spare seat, which is quite easy today. It's usually full of college students from around the campus. But today is a holiday. Everyone is probably off having fun with there families or loved ones. Castiel sighs and plugs his headphones in, just glad that the bus is warm.

As the time goes by Castiel finds himself observing the few people who are on the bus and wondering if they have someone to spend Christmas with or if they're alone like him. He hopes it's the former, not that he would ever wish for anyone to spend Christmas alone but now that he understands what it feels like, he knows that it's much worse than what he thought. But then again, it would be nice to know he's not alone.

Another twenty minutes pass by and the bus finally stops at the place where Castiel wants to get off. When he does, he's surprised to see so many people. But then he realises that it's the 22nd today. They must be doing their last minute Christmas shopping. Like he used to do. At least that's one positive this year. He doesn't have to buy his family presents. Castiel shakes his head. He doesn't want to think about that.

So he starts walking, his hands in his pockets and waiting for something to catch his eye. He's not really sure why he even came to the city. Maybe so he could get himself his own Christmas present or maybe because he just needed to get away from his campus. Or more like get away from Dean. Not that Dean would come back to his dorm after what happened yesterday.

Castiel feels like he's just fucked up everything now. And he's going to have to tell Anna and Gabe everything when they get back. He feels like he'd need to get it off his chest anyway. He doesn't know if he could carry the secret forever. 

He pauses when he feels his phone ringing in his pocket. He picks it out and quickly goes to sit down on an unoccupied bench when he sees it's Anna. Might as well answer this now.

''Hello, Anna."

"Cas! How are you? Ah, I have so much to tell you, just you wait." Castiel hesitates. Should he tell her? Even about his family? She seems happy and he doesn't want to dampen her mood but he knows that she'll find out eventually and Castiel's never been a good liar.

"I'm - ah - I'm," Castiel clears his throat, trying to keep his voice even, "not great." he says, watching as two boys walk past, hand in hand, one laughing at something the other said. He looks away.

"Oh, Cas. What's wrong? Has something happened? It's not your family is it? Are they being dicks to you again?" Anna fires out, her voice filled with anger but also with concern.

"Um, yeah, actually. They - ah - texted me and said they didn't want me to come down for Christmas." The silence on the other end doesn't last very long but it's nearly deafening.

"Shit, Cas. I'm so sorry. I would've stayed with you if I knew this was going to happen." Castiel's surprised when he doesn't heear her usual swearing and cursing of whoever is bringing Castiel harm.

"It's okay, Anna. I appreciate it but I'll be fine by myself." Castiel says, his words betraying the way he wishes someone was with him.

"What about Gabe? He's not that far away. He'll turn around in an instant once he knows."

"No, no, Anna. Please, don't worry about me. I'm fine. And besides Gabe has been planning that trip with Kali for a while now. I wouldn't want to ruin it." Castiel hears Anna sigh on the other end.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Anna asks, in that _caring_ tone of hers.

Castiel smiles. At least he knows his two best friends will always care about him. He doesn't know what he did to deserve them but he's never been more glad to have them by his side.  

"Yes, I'm sure." he lies. "Why don't you tell me about your holiday? You said you had a lot to tell me."

"Cas, I don't want to make you feel even worse  ab - "

"Anna, I insist. Please, you know I love hearing about your crazy adventures." Castiel replies, honestly. He always has loved to hear about them but he also thinks it's exactly what he _needs_ to hear at the moment. Something to take his mind off of everything. Even if it's only for a little while.

So he listens. He listens for what seems like half an hour but he couldn't care less because Anna's stories make him laugh and smile and even though it's probably only been a few days since he's done that, to him it's feels like a very long time. She tells him about how her brother tried to show off to some girl on the slopes and made a complete fool of himself. She tells him about how her parents were clutching onto each other the whole time and how Anna was on her fourth go down the slope when they'd just finished their first.

She also tells him about a boy that she met who she thinks Castiel would've liked and how she showed the boy a photo of him and the boy said he was cute. Castiel blushes at first and tells Anna he doubts it but after a moment he feels his chest constrict in that now all too familiar way. He thinks of Dean again and how Dean had called him cute. How Dean had called him beautiful. It seems like no matter what he does, he's always reminded of Dean. Of how his stupid feelings blinded him from what was right in front of him.

"Cas?" Anna's voice comes through the speaker and finally alerts him of not paying attention.

"Sorry, I just got distracted. What were you saying?" 

"I was just saying that I have to go now."

"Oh, okay. Of course. I will speak to you later, then. But can I ask you a favour, quickly?" Castiel asks, hesitantly. 

"Sure. What's up?"

"Could you maybe tell Gabe about what's happened? It's just that it was hard enough to tell you and I don't really want to have to bring it up again." Castiel mutters, looking down at his hands. He doesn't know why but he feels slightly embarrassed. He hates asking people to help him. It just makes him feel like a burden. But this he really does need help with and he's already not telling her how he actually feels about it so asking for this isn't too bad.

"Of course. You know I'll do anything to help you." 

"Thank you, Anna. And tell him not to worry about it. I just thought he should know."

"No problem. I'll speak to you soon. Bye, Cas."

"Goodbye, Anna."

He sits on the bench for a while after, just watching as people move by around him before he finally stands up and walks off. He finds himself in a bookstore, browsing through the shelves. It's the only place he ever comes to in the city. He just loves looking at all the new books, adding them to his list to read even though he knows he'll never get around to reading them all. Being here calms him for some reason. It feels like he could spend hours and hours just reading the blurbs or trailing his fingers across the spines until he sees something he likes. It's why he goes to the library so much. Reading is one of those things that can just take you away to a far away land where your problems don't exist. Where you can fall in love with two other people falling in love. Where you can scream and cry and be so captured by words on a page that you forget yourself and where you are if only for a little while. But a little while in a dream world can mean a long time away from your problems in the real world. Especially when in reality your problems are always there, reminding you that they exist.

Castiel wishes his problems didn't exist. But he can only wish. And wishes don't work in the real world. At least not for Castiel.

Castiel doesn't buy anything. He hears a girl tell an employee that she's buying something for her boyfriend but she doesn't know what he would like and loses his appetite for the book he was looking at.

When he heads back outside, the sky is overcast. He buys something quick to eat before he puts his head down and walks until he reaches his bus stop.

The ride back is slow. Castiel looks out the window and watches things fly past for most of it. It's dark by the time he gets back. With his head down he steps off the bus and makes his way back across campus. He's walking past the lit up football field when a familiar laugh reaches his ears.

He turns to see five guys, all dressed up in their football gear having a training session. It doesn't take Castiel long to spot Dean, his head thrown back in laughter. An old, gruff man stands on the side of the field, yelling at them to hurry up. 

"Sorry, Rufus." Dean yells as another yells, "Sorry, chief."

Castiel thinks he recognises the older player as Benny Lafitte, a star of the football team at their college. Anna had taken Castiel to a few games earlier this year and had pointed out a few of the top players. Dean had certainly not been in the top team anytime he had gone but maybe he's working his way up. Castiel watches as the few players get into position. Dean takes his position as the quarterback and when he throws the ball Castiel's amazed to see how far it goes and how nicely it spins through the air. 

Without thinking about it, Castiel turns around to find a little dark spot where he can sit down and not be spotted by the players. He finds one at the corner of the field where there's a small part in the fence and sits down. It's a bit harder to see from all the way at the back so he digs through his backpack to pull out his glasses case. When he puts them on he's reminded of what Dean said. How he thought Castiel should wear them more often. He nearly takes them off before he realises how pathetic he's being. He shouldn't let Dean affect him so easily. Castiel sighs. And yet, here he is, watching Dean at his football training. 

He watches Dean run and throw and laugh and he can even see Dean smile through his helmet. He doesn't even know why he's still sitting here. He just can't seem to push himself up off the ground and leave. 

Finally though, the training is finished and Dean, along with the others, run back into the sheds while their coach packs up. Castiel puts his glasses away and brushes himself off as he stands. It's only then that he sees someone walking towards him.

Fuck. It's Alastair. And he looks happy. It's never good when he looks happy. Castiel puts his head down and starts walking. Alastair only runs to catch up.

"Hey, fag. What you doing out here, tonight? Being a little stalker, huh? Were you jerking off to those big, sweaty men running around?" Castiel grits his teeth and keeps walking. "Oh, you're gonna ignore me, are you? That's a bit rude don't you think? Kinda like how you were rude to me at that party the other night."

 _Fuck_. Fuck, fuck, fuck. "You forgot about that, didn't ya? That's alright. I'll help you remember." Alastair says, and then there's a fist colliding into his face. Castiel's so surprised that he falls to the ground, the left side of his face stinging.

"Hey! You get off of him!" A loud, gruff voice comes from the football field. 

"Fucking hell. Always someone getting in the way of our time together. I guess I'll see you later, faggot." Alastair spits and with that, he's off.

Castiel clutches at his face as he turns around to see the coach - Rufus - standing on the side of the field. "You alright there, son?" 

"I'm fine. Thank you...for..." Castiel trails off as he pushes himself up. 

"No problem. Now you get yourself home, alright?"

"Yes, thank you, sir. I will." Rufus nods and Castiel begins to walk towards his dorm. His week couldn't get any worse. 

By the time he gets back, his face is aching. He drops his bag and kicks off his shoes before making his way to the bathroom. It's not too bad. At least not as bad as what Alastair has done to him before. There's a tiny little cut but other than that and a bit of bruising tomorrow he'll be fine. Well, physically at least.

He's just finished tending to the small cut when he hears a tentative knock at the door.

For fuck's sake. Can't everyone just leave him alone? Apparently not. Castiel turns his light off so that whoever it is doesn't see his face and only opens the door slightly. Castiel's eyes widen when he sees Dean standing before him, his hair wet and his sports bag slung over his shoulder. It's nearly exactly the same as that other time except this time he's not smiling.

"What are you doing here?" Castiel asks, keeping the door only partially open. Dean's shoulders rise up and down as he lets out a big breath.

"I came to say I'm sorry." A beat. Castiel stares at him for what must be a lifetime. He came to say he's sorry. Dean Winchester is saying sorry to him. To nerdy Castiel Novak. He's not quite sure how he's supposed to process this. But when Dean said it, his voice was sincere. He's sure of it.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Dean says, but it's not out of frustration. It's just a genuine question. 

"I don't really know what to say." Castiel replies, and it's the truth. Because what on God's green earth made Dean Winchester come and apologise? It all seems too good to be true. But Castiel wants it to be real. He needs it.

Dean looks so different from what he did an hour ago. Castiel watched as his lips quirked up into smiles and his head was thrown back in laughter. Now he just looks...sad. 

"Can I at least come in?" Dean asks, and again his voice is soft. Castiel swallows. He doesn't know whether that's a good idea or not. Castiel turns his head to look back into his dark room and only when Dean speaks does he realise he's made a mistake.

"What is that?" Dean asks, his voice gone from soft to hard in an instant. When Castiel looks back Dean's pointing at his face. Shit. Castiel immediately tilts his head down and to the other side to try and hide it from Dean.

"It's nothing." Castiel replies, trying to put some force into his voice but it falls flat. 

"It's not fucking nothing. Let me - " and then Dean's once again pushing him back into his room and shutting the door behind him. 

"Dean!" Castiel shouts, as Dean practically shoves his bag onto the floor and walks up into Castiel's personal space. "You can't just keep barging in like th - "

"Who did this to you?" Dean asks, his hands gentle as they cup Castiel's jaw, a stark contrast to his firm voice. One of Dean's thumbs strokes the bruised cheek gently and Castiel knows that part of him wants this but the other part is screaming at him and telling Dean to stop.

"No one, Dean. I'm fine." 

"No you're not. Someone fucking hit you. I swear I'll rip them to shreds." Dean growls and Castiel feels it in his veins. This is wrong. So very wrong. And he doesn't know why he didn't think about this before and why he hasn't said anything but now it's too much. It's too close to what was and he feels like he's being hit by a fucking freight train because this isn't right. 

He feels tears well up and threaten to spill. Castiel closes his eyes and they do.

"God, I hate you so much." he breathes out and it feels like a confession even though he's barely said anything at all. 

Dean's stroking comes to a halt and he hears Dean's breath hitch.

"I'm sorry?" Dean asks, and he sounds confused but he shouldn't be because it's all right there in front of him.

"Just - just don't touch me. Please." Castiel whispers, another tear rolling down his cheek and onto Dean's thumb. Dean hesitates but eventually his hands leave Castiel. 

Castiel opens his eyes to see Dean still standing in front of him. There's hurt written all across his features but in this moment Castiel can't feel guilty about it.

"What the fuck's wrong with you now! I thought you wanted me to give a fuck! Well, here I am and that's what I get?" Dean shouts and Castiel tries his hardest to not step away but he can practically feel Dean's anger pulsing off of him.

Castiel averts his eyes to the floor. "I'm sorry, Dean, but you're such a fucking hypocrite." Castiel says, shaking his head as he wipes the tears from his face with the back of his hands. 

" _Excuse me?_ I've never fucking hit you! How could you say that?"

Castiel huffs and he feels like his throat is about to close up but he speaks anyway. "Sure. Yeah, but you've shoved me into lockers before. Pushed me around whenever I got in your way."

Dean's anger seems to melt away after Castiel has spoken. He swallows and his eyes flicker to the floor a few times. "That's different." Dean says, and his voice has never sounded so small. 

"Why is it different? I mean, you've never called me a fag or a cocksucker but you have called me other things." Castiel says, trying to catch Dean's eye. Because he wants Dean to see. He wants Dean to see the pain in his own eyes.

"It's not the same thing." 

"Look at me, Dean. Fucking look at me." Castiel thinks Dean's eyes are wet when he looks back but he can't really see through his teary eyes. But what he can see is the guilt. And it's not satisfying. But it's something. It's validation. Validation that Dean knows that what he's done is wrong.

"How is it not the same?" Castiel asks, throwing his arms out to the side. Dean doesn't say anything but he doesn't let his eyes drop. And Castiel wants to swipe everything off of his desk again because all he wants is for Dean to say something. Why can't he say sorry now? Why can't he say he was wrong? That he fucked up?

"Because it sure as hell affects me the same. And yeah, maybe not physically but do you really think that what you do and say to me doesn't affect me? You think that just because I have fucking witty comebacks that it somehow doesn't still make me feel like shit?"

Dean, however, stays silent and Castiel waits and waits for something. Anything. But Dean doesn't say anything and Castiel gives up. He slumps down in his chair, his head in his hands and lets the last few tears slip out.

He just wants to go home. But he's not even sure where that is anymore. All he knows is that everything hurts. And maybe he should have just let Dean cup his face and tell him he'd hunt down whoever touched him. Maybe Dean would've eventually held him. Maybe Dean would've held him through the night and brought Castiel pleasure in the morning. Maybe he would've called him beautiful again. Because, god, how Castiel wants to hear that again. 

But the back of Castiel's mind is telling him that this was right. That it was right to tell Dean those things. And that he shouldn't have become this attached to Dean without bringing this up. Because they can't just go on and pretend that none of that ever happened. Dean can't just apologise to him for a fight once and not apologise for everything else he's done. 

Perhaps it's Castiel's fault. Because he went straight into this, no questions asked. But what hurts the most is that even after all this he _still_ wants Dean. He wants Dean to be the one to tell him that he's beautiful and to be the one who holds him and fucks him. So maybe he's a hypocrite too because he fucking hates Dean but wants him anyway. But at least he can acknowledge that. He just hopes that Dean can acknowledge it too.

Movement brings him back from his thoughts and when he opens his eyes he realises that Dean's standing closer to him than he was before. Castiel stares holes into his boots and waits. Eventually, Dean turns and picks his bag up off the ground. Castiel finally sits up and watches as Dean walks over and opens the door. 

He doesn't step out right away though. He just stands there, his back to Castiel and his hand still on the door handle.

When Dean speaks his voice cracks. "I'm trying, Cas. I really am."

Castiel doesn't say anything back but all he can think is, 'Well, try harder. Stay with me and work it out.'

Dean steps out of his dorm, the door closing softly behind him with a click.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> So this chapter was a bit :( but don't worry the next chapter will have a lot less of that!
> 
> Also please, don't stop commenting! I love you guys so much and I hope you all have a wonderful week!


	7. Chapter 7

The library is as quiet as it will ever be. On the way in Castiel only spotted two other people before making his way to the back where he usually sits. He sits down with a sigh, pulls his book out of his bag and opens it to the page he's up to. 

There were bags under his eyes when he looked in the mirror this morning. He kind of wishes he hadn't. But then again, he kind of wishes Dean hadn't come over last night. Castiel was already having a shitty day before he showed up and made it a hundred times worse. And obviously after that, there was no way he was going to get a good night's sleep. It feels like he hasn't had one in ages. Perhaps he'll get one tonight. 

Castiel looks up through his glasses at the sound of someone entering the library. Perhaps not.

Castiel flicks his eyes down before Dean can spot him. He schools his features and tries to pretend like he's still engrossed in his book. Why can't Dean just leave him alone? Because Castiel's obviously what he's here for. There is no way Dean Winchester would ever willingly come to the library on a holiday. Castiel can tell when Dean spots him and sees out of his peripheral vision when he starts walking over.

Castiel groans internally. He wants to sink into the ground. Or preferably anywhere where Dean can't find him. Where no one can find him. Despite craving for someone to be with him the past few days, all he wants now is to be alone. 

Dean doesn't say anything as he pulls out a chair and sits down beside Castiel. So Castiel doesn't say anything either. He just glares holes into his book and acts like Dean isn't there at all. It's difficult, however, because Dean continues to stay silent. He just sits there and fidgets, tapping his fingers quietly on the table and occasionally glancing over at Castiel.

When Dean clears his throat, Castiel grips his book tighter. "So, I'm leaving this afternoon... I'm gonna drive down to visit my family for Christmas." Dean says, nonchalantly. The pages crumple slightly under Castiel's hands. Clearly Castiel's speech last night didn't do anything if Dean is actually sitting here right now, rubbing it in that he doesn't have a family to spend Christmas with. Castiel's mind is swirling with so many different insults that he nearly misses what Dean says next.

"And...I was wondering if you would like to come with me." A second passes before Castiel's brain processes what Dean just said and his head has never turned faster. Dean's not looking at him though, his eyes trained on the table in front of him. Castiel's not sure he understands what is happening. Did Dean just ask him to come down to visit his family for Christmas with him? Surely he heard that wrong.

Dean's head finally turns and his green eyes meets Castiel's blue ones. "You know, just for a few days." he says, his voice calm and Castiel notices that he doesn't look like he slept any better than Castiel did last night. Castiel shakes his head.

"Why?" Castiel breathes out. "Why would you want me to come with you to visit your _family_ after everything that's just happened?" Because why would Dean want that? It's ludicrous. But Dean just shrugs his shoulders and looks away.

"I don't know. I guess I'm just trying to say I'm sorry but I'm not very good with words so..." Dean trails off, picking at something under his nails. Now Castiel looks away, back towards his book and stares right through the pages. _I'm trying, Cas._ "And I - uh - guess I don't really want you to spend Christmas alone. Not when everything is so shitty for you right now. And definitely not when part of that is my fault."

Castiel looks up again to meet Dean's eyes. Something flutters inside of Castiel's chest. "Do you really mean that?" Castiel asks, and he feels so vulnerable right now. Like if Dean turns around and crushes him, he won't be able to come back from it. Not this time. But Dean just lifts one corner of his mouth ever so slightly and nods.

"'Course."

Castiel swallows down his emotion. This is what he wanted, wasn't it? What he wants _now_. Someone caring for him like that. Someone caring for him enough that they wouldn't want to leave him alone on Christmas after this fucking awful week. Not that Anna and Gabe didn't offer the same but this is different. Because this is Dean Winchester. They're not friends. But they could be something else. And Castiel's torn between wanting it and running a thousand miles away from it. 

Dean rubs the back of his neck and clears his throat, bringing Castiel back to the present. "So...did you wanna come?"

Yes. Yes, I do. No, I don't want to be alone. Castiel fights the urge to blurt it out. Instead he thinks about it logically. Because isn't it weird to spend Christmas with a family who you have barely met before? "I'm not sure. I don't really want to intrude on your family."

"No! No, it's fine, really. I already told them." Dean blurts out and Castiel's eyes widen. 

"You already told them I was coming down." Castiel deadpans. Fucking, cocky bastar -

"What? No. I just told them I was going to ask a friend if he wanted to come down because he has no one to spend Christmas with. And they were okay with that, obviously." Dean babbles, and Castiel only really hears one word.

"A friend." Castiel mutters, and it's not a question. Dean lets out a deep breath and runs a hand down his face.

"Well, I'm not really sure what we are at the moment." Castiel isn't really sure either so he just focuses on fiddling with the pages of his book. "So...you haven't really answered my question." Dean says, his voice becoming less and less confident. Castiel thinks about it for a moment and wonders whether he's making a mistake or not.

"Okay." Castiel says, and when he looks up he sees Dean's smiling, like he can't believe Castiel actually said yes. A moment later though it's gone.

"Okay. Great. Cool. So I'll - uh - park outside your building at around twelve. Is that okay?" Dean says, and Castiel can tell he's trying hard to suppress himself. It makes him smile.

"Okay." Castiel nods. This time when Dean smiles he doesn't try to hide it.

"Alright." Dean replies. The next few seconds seem to pass with both of them just staring at each other until Dean clears his throat.

"I, um, like your glasses by the way." he says, rubbing the back of his neck again as he flicks his eyes between the table and Castiel. Despite the fact that Dean has already told him this, Castiel still blushes. For some reason it feels like the situation is different to the ones before.

Castiel looks down and away, mumbling a small, "Thank you." Another few moments pass and Castiel can feel eyes on him before Dean pushes his chair back and stands up. 

"See you at twelve, then." Dean says, his voice a lot more confident than it was just moments before.

"See you at twelve." 

Dean bites his lip, nods and then turns and walks off. Castiel thinks that he sees a bit of a skip in Dean's step. When he disappears through the door of the library, Castiel sinks down in his seat. He stares at his book. So...he's going with Dean to visit his family for a few days. For Christmas. 

Suddenly, Castiel feels like his mind is on overdrive. How did his morning take such a dramatic turn? Was it the right thing to say yes? Or is he just desperate? What if Dean just hurts him again? 

Castiel stops. Deep breath in, deep breath out. 

Dean is trying. He's trying to say he's sorry. He's trying for Castiel. This is what he wants. One look at the time on his phone shows him he has about an hour and a half until Dean comes to pick him up. He can already feel the nerves settle in his stomach and when he tries to read again he finds that he can't. 

With a sigh, he gets up, grabs his stuff and walks out of the library.

***

Castiel's been sitting on his bed and tapping his foot on the ground for nearly twenty minutes. It's ridiculous. Well, maybe it isn't. He's sure anyone would be nervous to spend a few days with a family you don't know and of the guy who bullied you, fucked you, and fought with you about it only one day before. Castiel shakes his head. 

At least for a little while he was able to concentrate on what he should pack. Well a little less concentrating, a little more stressing. Castiel nearly texted Dean about how many nights exactly were they staying because Dean had only said a few days. But then he realised he was seriously overreacting and a few days usually means a few days, and he usually wears the same clothes over and over, so what's the big deal. He doesn't think he's ever been so nervous in his life.

The sound of a text coming through makes Castiel's nerves flutter even more. 

_**Asshole** _

_**I'm outside. You ready?** _

Castiel jumps off the bed, grabbing his little duffle bag off the floor and slinging it over his shoulder. He replies as he's exiting his dorm.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I'm coming now.** _

Castiel's about to shove his phone in his pocket when he feels it buzz again.

_**Asshole** _

_**Okay :)** _

Castiel can't help it. He smiles.

When he exits out of his building, he immediately sees Dean's black, shiny car parked, with Dean himself sitting on the trunk. He grins when he sees Castiel approaching and Castiel doesn't know what to do so he just gives him a small smile and hopes that Dean can't see how fucking nervous he is right now.

"Hey." Dean says, pushing himself off of the trunk and walking round to open it. "You got everything you need?"

Castiel sets his bag down inside next to Dean's and nods. "I think so."

"Alright. Let's get going then." Dean says, slamming the trunk shut. Castiel follows him round the side and his eyes widen when Dean opens the passenger door for him. He feels like this is something someone would do when they're taking a another person on a date. And yet here, bad boy Dean Winchester is, holding the door open for nerdy Castiel Novak. Dean sighs. "C'mon, man. I'm trying, remember? So please, will you just get your cute ass in the car?"

Castiel quirks his lips upwards and feels his cheeks heat slightly. "Thank you." Castiel says, as he sits down inside. Dean closes the door and rounds the other side, plopping down beside him. 

Dean turns the key in the ignition and the car comes rumbling to life. He pulls off onto the road and off they go.

"So..." Dean starts, his eyes flicking over to Castiel briefly before looking away.

"Your car is nice." Castiel says, and he's being honest. He thought it was nice ever since Dean rocked up at high school with it. It's not very forgettable. Then again, neither is Dean.

When Dean looks at him this time, he's got a grin on his face and looks a lot more confident. "Yeah, she is."

Castiel squints. "She?"

Dean drums the steering wheel with his thumbs. "Yeah, she's my baby." Dean says, looking prouder than Castiel's ever seen him look. Castiel stares at Dean, an eyebrow raised.

"Why can't it be a he?" Castiel asks, finding himself relax now that they're over the awkward part and speaking. Dean chuckles.

"Well, because when I first got her I used to think I only liked girls." Dean replies, looking over at Castiel. "Then you came along." he says, before looking back to the road. Castiel's taken aback by his response. What's that supposed to mean?

"I'm sorry. I was the first guy you were ever attracted to?" Castiel doesn't believe that one bit. But Dean nods.

"Yep."

"Bullshit." Castiel responds, making Dean turn his head, eyebrows pulled together.

"I'm not joking! I swear. You were the first guy I was ever attracted to." Dean says, a half smile on his face.

Castiel shakes his head in disbelief. "Really?" 

Dean nods again. "Really." he says, sincerity in his voice. Castiel bites his lip in thought and doesn't miss the way Dean's eyes flick down. Okay, so maybe Dean is telling the truth. Warmth fills Castiel's chest. Castiel is really the first guy that one hundred percent straight, jock Dean Winchester became attracted to. He can't help but feel flattered.

"Fine. But when was this?" Castiel asks, reanalysing every single moment he can remember being near Dean to see if he can think of any moment where something changed. He comes up with nothing.

"When was what?" Dean asks, a grin on his face.

"When did you realise you were attracted to me?" Dean's face falls at that and Castiel doesn't understand why. Dean clears his throat awkwardly and keeps his eyes on the road. 

"I don't know. Little while ago, I guess." Dean mutters. Castiel can tell by the sound of his voice that this isn't a conversation he wants to have. It's making Castiel more confused than he's ever been. He just rambled on about how Castiel was the first guy he was attracted to and now he won't talk about when it happened.  

"Right." Castiel says, not pushing any further. A few moments pass in silence before Dean speaks again.

"What about you, huh?" Dean says, his voice lightened back up and a grin plastered back on his face. Castiel feels like he's getting whiplash. Rather than overthinking it, he pushes it to the back of his mind. "When were you first attracted to me?"

Castiel scoffs. "As if I'm telling you that." he says. Castiel definitely remembers the first time he felt attracted to Dean Winchester because it was the first time he ever fucking saw him. Dean was leaning up against a locker, his leather jacket on and a big smile on his face. Castiel distinctly remembers watching him talk to another jock when Dean looked over and saw him. Castiel had embarrassingly run off after that. He's pretty sure Dean doesn't remember it. If he did, he surely would've teased him about it now.

"Oh, c'mon. Why not?" Dean asks, pouting the best he can.

Castiel huffs a laugh. "Because you'd be cocky about it." he says, crossing his arms. 

Dean raises his eyebrows. "And why would I be cocky about it?"

"Because you're cocky about everything." Castiel retorts, smirking.

"Fuck you. I am not." Dean complains, hitting Castiel in the arm, playfully.

"You are." Castiel muses.

Dean shakes his head. "Fine, you win. But I'll get it out of you one day." Dean says, turning his head to smile at Castiel.

Everything feels so strange. He shouldn't be comfortable right now after all that happened in the last few days. After all that happened last night. Castiel called Dean out on hurting Castiel. And here they are, bickering just like they did before everything fell apart. Castiel doesn't know whether he feels like this is the wrong thing to be doing or the right thing. Because is what they're doing now sort of sweeping it under the rug? Castiel doesn't know. All he knows is that Dean has said he's going to make it up to Castiel. Maybe this is a part of it. 

Castiel sighs, relaxing back into his seat. He should stop thinking about it so much. So far, it's been good. Ever since this morning, Dean has been nice to him. Now all he needs, is for that to continue. 

"So, may I ask who I will be meeting?" Castiel asks, trying to focus on what's in front of him.

"Oh, shit. I forgot. Of course. Uh - there'll be Sammy, who you've already met, Bobby, our uncle, Ellen, our aunt and her daughter Jo, who's two years younger than us. She's kinda like a sister to me and Sam."

Castiel scrunches his eyebrows together. "What about your father?" Castiel asks, because he's never heard about any of them except for Sam. The last he knew, Dean's mother had passed and they were living with their father.

Castiel immediately knows he shouldn't have asked when Dean looks away, a sad look on his face. "He's not really around much anymore."

"I'm sorry." Castiel mutters. 

"No, nothing to be sorry for." Dean says, giving Castiel a reassuring smile but there's still a hint of sadness there. "Anyways, you shouldn't be worried about meeting my family. I know they'll all like you."

Castiel doesn't know about that. "Why would you think they'll all like me?" Castiel can't make out Dean's expression when he turns to look at Castiel. Dean shrugs.

"I don't know. I mean, you're smart, funny, caring and as a bonus, you're kinda gorgeous." Castiel immediately blushes, looking down so that Dean can't see. This is so ridiculous. What if Dean's just saying these things to suck up to him? No, he has to stop thinking like that. Dean Winchester wouldn't do and say these sorts of things if he didn't mean it.

"And you're cute when you blush." Dean says, and Castiel looks up to see him smiling. 

"Shut up." Castiel retorts, because how the fuck else is he supposed to deal with this, and punches Dean lightly in the arm. 

"What? It's true." Dean says, and he has that look on his face where his mouth is open but the corner of his lips are lifted and it makes Castiel smile back.

"Anyways, you obviously know Sam and he likes you so you'll be fine."

Castiel lets out a deep breath and wills his blush away. "Right." he breathes out. Castiel notices a few droplets of rain, splatter against the windshield and it reminds him of how tired he really is. "How long does it usually take you to get there?" Castiel asks, because whenever he has gone back to visit his family in Kansas, he's always taken the bus and with a bus comes many, long pitstops.

"A few hours. Why?"

"Do you mind if I try to sleep?"

"'Course not. I'll wake you up when we get there." Dean says, giving him a small smile.

"Thank you." Castiel smiles back before turning his head towards the window and slouching down in his seat. Dean lowers the volume of the radio and the steady beat of rain falling down onto the car sends Castiel off to sleep.

***

"Cas. Time to wake up." A deep voice slips through to his mind and Castiel's eyes flutter open to the feeling of someone's fingers running through his hair. Castiel straightens up when he sees the passenger door is open and Dean is squatting down in front of him. Dean's hand drops from where it was and Castiel suddenly feels embarrassed. 

"We're here." Dean says, and when Castiel looks back towards him, Dean reaches out and pushes his glasses up from where they've fallen. Castiel ducks his head. 

"Thank you." It's something he's said a lot today. Maybe it's a good thing. Because it means that Dean's doing things that he's thankful for. Even if their only small things. But the small things are the ones that count, right?

"You ready to meet everyone?" Dean asks.

"I guess." Castiel says, and he feels those nerves coming right back. He's sure he'll be fine but how can he not be nervous? Other than Sam, he's never met these people. And even Sam, he's only met maybe three or four times. 

"Alright. Let's get the stuff from the trunk and we'll head inside." Dean says, standing up and waiting until Castiel hops out before shutting the passenger door. Dean saunters round to the trunk, opening it and pulling out Castiel's bag to hand it over to him. Castiel accepts it and slings it over his shoulder, watching as Dean does the same. 

When Castiel turns, it's only then that he looks at the house he's about to walk into. He feels his throat tighten. This isn't the house he should be walking into. This isn't _his_ house. With _his_ family. It's fucking Christmas and he can't even spend it with his crappy family. He can't go home. But he guesses, it shouldn't really be called that anymore if he's not welcome there. So what does that mean, then? He doesn't have a home.

"Hey, you okay?" Dean's voice is soft and so are his eyes when Castiel turns to meet them. Castiel opens his mouth a few times before anything comes out.

"I'm sorry. It's stupid." he says, looking down towards his feet. 

"I'm sure it's not." A beat. "Do you not want to do this anymore? Shit, this is my fault. I didn't want to force you into doing th - "

"No, Dean. This isn't - it's not that. It's about my family." Castiel says, letting out a deep breath. "They're only a few blocks away." Dean doesn't say anything for a second but then he steps forward and takes Castiel's free hand in his own. Castiel stares down at their linked hands but doesn't hesitate in clutching back. 

"I know it's going to be hard, Cas. But this is one of the reasons I asked you to come down. I wanted to get your mind off of it." Dean says, and Castiel doesn't understand why Dean hasn't been like this all his life. He's so sweet and soft. He's caring. Everything Castiel wants. "It's going to be a good Christmas. I promise." Dean says, ducking his head to try and catch Castiel's eyes. 

"Okay." Castiel says, and Dean squeezes his hand tight before letting go. Castiel immediately wants to grab it back but he suppresses the urge to do so. "We should probably go and meet everyone."

"Yeah, we should." Dean says, and then he starts walking up towards the house, Castiel following behind. Nervous butterflies fly around in Castiel's stomach as Dean hits the doorbell. There's rustling behind the door and after a few seconds or so, it opens wide, a woman with light brown hair standing there. 

"Dean! Oh, I missed you, boy." she says, embracing Dean in a big hug.

"Missed you too, Ellen. See you haven't aged a bit while I've been gone." Dean replies, his charming grin in place.

"Don't you lie to me." she - Ellen - says, hitting him on the shoulder before turning to Castiel. "And you must be Dean's friend. I'm Ellen."

Castiel reaches out to shake her presented hand. "Castiel. It's lovely to meet you."

"You too, honey. Well, come on in." she says, motioning them into the house. They're immediately met by a gruff looking man in the hallway, who Castiel assumes is Bobby.

" _Bobby_. I've missed you old man." Dean says, going in for a hug.

"Who you calling old, ya idjit." he responds, his voice low and rough. When Dean pulls away he points to Castiel.

"Bobby, this is Castiel. Cas this is Bobby."

"Lovely to meet you, sir." Castiel says, extending his hand again.

"Oh, none of that. You can call me Bobby." he says, nodding at Castiel.

"Cas?" a smaller voice comes from the right. Castiel looks up to see a taller, less goofy looking Sam. "Oh my god, I didn't know you were Dean's friend. How are you?" Sam says, smiling as he walks over to greet Castiel.

"I'm well, thank you. How have you been?" Castiel replies, feeling slightly overwhelmed.

"Yeah, I'm great. This is so weird. I never knew you and Dean were fr - "

"Alright, Sammy. Stop fangirling. You're embarrassing us all. And aren't you gonna say hi to me?" Dean says, pushing through to what seems to be the living room and motioning for Castiel to follow. Sam grumbles but ends up giving Dean a hug too.

"Okay." Dean says, dropping his bag down by the couch. "There should be one more person round. Oh, there she is." Just as he says that a blonde girl, who must be Jo, comes bouncing out of the kitchen. 

" _Dean_. It's been a while." she says, standing up on her tippy toes to wrap her arms around Dean's neck.

"I know. I'm busy, okay. But hey, I'm here now, aren't I? And I even brought a friend." Dean says, making Jo turn to look at him. 

"Hey. I'm Jo." she says, a smile on her face and a hand on her hip. Castiel nods awkwardly.

"Castiel. Nice to meet you." he says, and when he glances away he sees that's Dean's smiling at him.

"Hey, Dean?" Ellen's voice comes from behind them. "Sorry to spring this on you but we had a little favour we were gonna ask you." she says, a grin on her face.

"Oh, really." Dean says, crossing his arms over his chest.

"We haven't had your famous apple pie in a while." Jo says, hope in her voice. Dean raises his eyebrows and so does Castiel. Dean can bake apple pie?

"Bobby and I are going out for a few drinks and we were gonna pick up some burgers on the way home. We were just wondering if you could make us dessert?" Ellen says, hands on her hips and Castiel can tell that Jo is most definitely her daughter. For some reason Dean turns to look at Castiel. 

"What do you think, Cas? You gonna help me make a pie?" he asks, and Castiel feels all the eyes in the room land on him. It doesn't really seem like he has a choice but what could go wrong? It might be fun.

"Okay. Although I don't exactly have a lot of experience in the kitchen." Castiel says, keeping his eyes on Dean.

"Don't need any. I'll teach you." Dean says, with a grin. 

"Alright, it's settled. Now Castiel. You have any burger preferences for dinner?" Ellen asks, throwing a bag over her shoulder.

"Just a hamburger is fine, thank you." Ellen nods and then turns to Dean.

"The usual for you."

"You know it."

"Okay, well we're gonna head out. Don't burn the house down." and with that Ellen and Bobby are filing out of the house. Castiel lets out a big breath of relief. Well, at least that's over. And they were nice too, so that's a bonus.

"Sammy, why don't you show Cas to my room. And take my bag up will ya. I'll get set up in the kitchen." Dean says, throwing his bag over to Sam. Sam shakes his head but takes it anyway.

"C'mon Cas. It's upstairs." Sam says, walking off with Castiel following close behind.

"So when did you and Dean become friends. I never really saw you guys with each other at high school." Sam asks, and Castiel nearly laughs at the question. 

"We actually only really became friends at college. I guess we just ran into each other a lot more." Castiel says, hoping Sam doesn't push for further details. He never really discussed it with Dean. Thankfully though, Sam doesn't.

"Okay, cool. I guess that's why I've never heard him mention you, then." Sam says. Castiel somehow thinks that Dean would never mention him anyway. When they reach the top of the stairs, Sam turns right and Castiel follows him all the way down the end of the hall. 

"So this is Dean's room and don't worry, there's a queen size bed, so you can both fit. Also you can just chuck your bag anywhere, Dean won't mind." Sam says, throwing Dean's bag onto the floor. 

"Thank you, Sam." Castiel says, stepping into the room and taking a quick look around before dumping his bag. He decides to take his jacket and glasses off too if he's going to be baking. After that, they walk back to the top of the stairs when Sam speaks.

"Hey, I just have to go get something. But you can head down." Castiel nods, walking back down the stairs. He's heading towards the kitchen when he hears Jo and Dean talking. He stops when he hears they're talking about him.

"So your friend's cute." Jo says, and Castiel suddenly feels awkward. He never really knew how to handle compliments.

"He's gay, Jo. Calm down."

"Wow. Someone's possessive."

"Fuck you. I'm not possessive. He's my friend and I don't think he really wants you crawling all over him."

"A gay friend."

"So? What's the difference? We're just friends." Castiel nearly snorts but remembers to stay silent just before he does. 

Jo laughs. "Whatever you say, Winchester." 

Castiel stands awkwardly in the middle of the hallway, not really knowing what to make of the conversation, before retracing a few of his steps and then continuing forward with louder ones. He enters the kitchen to see Dean and Jo both leaning back against the counter, the oven already on and ingredients and utensils already out.

"You ready, Cas?" Dean says, pushing himself off the counter. 

"I think so." 

Dean nods. "Alright. You - get outta here." he says, pushing Jo out of the kitchen.

"Okay, okay. Have fun guys." she says, as she leaves the room.

Dean rolls his sleeves up before turning to Castiel and smiling. "So, I guess you'll be learning how to make an apple pie today. From scratch too." 

"I guess so." Castiel replies, walking over to where Dean is moving things around on the bench.

"You're probably gonna have to roll your sleeves up for this. It can get a bit messy." Dean says, taking it open himself and grabbing Castiel's left arm to push his sweater up and then doing the same on the other arm. Castiel feels a rush of warmth throughout his body, but it's gone when Dean's hands leave him.

They quickly wash their hands before coming back over to the counter where everything is laid out. "We're gonna do the pastry first, so I'll measure everything out and you can pour them into the bowl." 

Dean begins to measure out most of the ingredients on the counter and Castiel watches on, amused at what he's seeing. Dean hands a cup of flour over to him when he sees Castiel.

"What are you laughing at?" Dean asks, frowning and instead of waiting for Castiel, pouring the flour into the bowl himself.

"I'm sorry. It's just, I never thought I'd see Dean Winchester in a kitchen, _baking_. It doesn't really fit your bad boy persona." Castiel says, smirking up at Dean. Dean huffs a laugh.

"Yeah, well, sorry to disappoint." he says, and this time Castiel frowns. There's something about his tone that's off. 

"No, I didn't mean it like that. I like it." Castiel says, and when Dean turns, he has that small little smile on his lips.

"Yeah?" Dean asks, stopping what he's doing for a second to wait for Castiel's answer.

"Yeah." Castiel says, and Dean stares at him for a moment before looking back down to the counter, the smile still there.

They continue on in silence for a little while, Dean measuring everything and Castiel pouring it all in. Castiel then is told to mix it around whilst Dean pours water in and after that, Dean takes over and kneads the dough into a large ball. Castiel finds himself staring at Dean's thick, calloused fingers and thinking about how soft they were when Dean had held his hand before. Castiel can't believe it actually happened, let alone out in the open, even though he knows, no one was there to see them. For some reason, it made him feel safe. Like maybe everything is going to be alright. Like Dean will keep his promise.

He's snapped out of his thoughts when Dean speaks. "You wanna roll the dough out?" he asks, picking the big ball up and dumping it on a board, a rolling pin next to it.

"Okay." Castiel says, hesitantly, stepping over to it and grabbing the pin. He's not really sure what he's supposed to be doing or how hard he's supposed to be going so he just rolls and rolls until he thinks it's enough.

"C'mon, Cas. You gotta do a little more than that." Dean says, and all of a sudden, Dean's behind him, caging him in against the counter and Dean's hands are resting on his own. Castiel stiffens as Dean's head leans over his shoulder. "Put a little force into it." Dean says, and he begins to roll the pin over the dough with Castiel. 

Castiel thinks his breathing is starting to get louder and he feels goosebumps pop up on his neck and he doesn't know why. Because he's been close to Dean enough times, that he shouldn't be reacting like this. But maybe that's why. Because he's never been close to Dean like _this_ , before. It's always been sexual between them and nothing more. Dean being close to him made him aroused. But this isn't sexual. This is something fucking couples would do and it's making his cheeks heat up and this is so fucking embarrassing.

Finally, though, and much to Castiel's relief, Dean finishes and pulls away. Castiel's hands are sweating and he makes sure not to look Dean in the eye until he calms down. When he does though, Dean looks slightly smug and Castiel immediately realises that Dean knows what that just did to him.

"It's done. We can put it in the pan now." he says, and Castiel just nods, unable to form a sentence. 

The next few parts of the baking seems to fly by and soon the filling has been made and Castiel is spreading more flour down for the remaining dough.

He's nearly finished cutting the dough into strips when he wipes his cheek with the back of his hand. Dean chuckles next to him and Castiel squints, looking over to see what's so funny.

"What are you laughing at?" Castiel asks, tilting his head to the side. Dean just shakes his head with a smile before stepping closer to Castiel.

"You just wiped flour all over your face." he says, making Castiel look down towards his _indeed_ floury hands. Oh. "Here, let me just..." Dean trails off and Castiel watches as Dean reaches out and wipes away the flour off Castiel's cheek with his thumb. Castiel feels like his skin is on fire and his eyes won't leave Dean's own focused ones. 

"There. I got it." Dean says, but his thumb doesn't move from Castiel's face. Dean stares at Castiel for a moment before his eyes drop to Castiel's lips and in an instant Dean's free hand is on the other side of Castiel's face and their lips are being softly pressed together.

The kiss only lasts a second or two, all in which Castiel is for some reason, frozen to the spot. Dean pulls away, quickly, turning his head away.

" _Fuck_. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." he says, his hands resting on the kitchen counter. Castiel doesn't really think about it. He just looks over his shoulder to see if anyone is there before turning back, reaching up to grab either side of Dean's face and smashing their lips back together. 

Dean hesitates only for a moment before passionately kissing back, his hands wrapping around Castiel's back. Dean's lips are the same, warm and soft. But it's not the same as all the other kisses they've shared. It's not rough or for the sake of getting hard. It's for the sake of kissing someone who you want to kiss. And Castiel didn't realise how bad he's been really wanting to just kiss Dean all day until now. Because, _god_ , has Dean been making him feeling good. Really fucking good in the way that he needs right now.

Castiel's hands move from Dean's face to around his neck, clinging on as Dean pushes him up against the counter, his back hitting the marble tabletop. Dean licks at his lips and Castiel doesn't hesitate in letting his tongue inside. Dean pushes even closer to Castiel, making their noses bump together and Castiel lean back slightly. He feels like he could stay here forever, his hands running though Dean's short hair and Dean's own gripping him tightly. 

That's when they hear the sound of laughter from the other room. They immediately jump apart, looking towards the kitchen entrance. Relief fills them both when they see that no one's there. That no one saw them.

Dean and Castiel are both panting hard and Castiel feels like his whole body is tingling. He shakes his head. "We probably shouldn't do this here." Castiel says, his voice quieter than normal.

Dean finally looks away from the entrance and towards Castiel. His eyes are wide and his mouth still hanging open. Dean swallows and Castiel tracks the movement. "Right. Yeah. Probably not." Dean says, looking back to the mess on the counter. 

"You've - ah - I think I might've left a little flour on your face. And in your hair." Castiel says, watching as Dean brings a hand up to his face. "You should probably wipe it off yourself. Just in case."

Dean huffs. "Yeah, sorry about that." He says, using a dish towel to wipe the flour of his face before ruffling it out of his hair the best he can. 

After he does, there's a few moments where they just look at each other, Castiel not really knowing what he should say. Dean, thankfully, breaks the silence.

"We should probably finish the pie." Dean says, nonchalantly.

Castiel lets out a breath he didn't even realise he had been holding. "Yes. Of course. The pie." Castiel mumbles, and out of the corner of his eye he catches Dean smile. 

"You were just finishing cutting the dough into strips, right?" Dean asks, clearing his throat after. Now it's Castiel's turn to smile. 

"Yes. Is there much to do after that?" 

Dean shakes his head. "No, not much. We're nearly finished." he says, as he reaches around Castiel to grab the filling they made. He doesn't miss the way Dean's hand rests on Castiel's lower back as he does. Castiel picks up the knife he was using and starts to cut the final pieces. "Hopefully, it'll turn out pretty good."

Castiel lifts his head at that and meets Dean's eyes. They're smiling. Castiel hopes Dean can see that his eyes are smiling too. 

"Yeah. Hopefully."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next chapter will be up around the same time next week and if not I will let you all know in the last answered comment! 
> 
> I hope you guys liked this chapter! Please leave a comment, I love to read them. Love you guys and hope you have a wonderful week. <3


	8. Chapter 8

Ellen and Bobby had arrived with dinner not long after Dean and Castiel had finished cleaning up their mess. It was also around the time that the apple pie came out of the oven and apparently it was successful. Not that Castiel would be able to tell, but Dean was enthusiastic about it, so he assumed it was successful. 

They had all gathered around the television watching the night's football game, the Chiefs verse the Steelers, with Castiel wedged in between Dean and the arm of the couch they were sitting on, Jo on the other side of Dean, Sam on a beanbag on the floor, and Bobby and Ellen on separate chairs to the side. Castiel thought it would be uncomfortable at first but there seemed to be never a moment of silence, each member taking turns at yelling their frustrations at the screen.

Castiel finished his own burger in silence, amused whenever Dean shouted out beside him.

"Oi, Dean." Bobby starts, when the players run off the field for their half time break. "How's your football training been going? All we've heard from Rufus is that you're being a real pain in the ass." 

Castiel can't help the small smile that pulls at his lips. He remembers the way Dean was laughing and joking about with his friends last night. It's not hard to imagine him being a pain in the ass.

"Oh, c'mon. I'm just having a little fun." Dean says, grinning.

"You better be careful, boy. I wouldn't put it past him dropping you from the team." Bobby smirks, making Dean laugh. Castiel tilts his head.

"Wait, are you in the top team?" Castiel asks quietly, as Ellen goes off about something to do with Rufus. Dean turns his head to look at him, a little amused smile on his face.

"Yeah. You ever been to any of the games on campus?" Dean asks, softening his voice as well. 

"Anna took me to a few at the start of the year but I didn't see you." 

"Oh, yeah? Well, I only got into the top team a few months ago, so that's probably why."

"Well, I did see you training the other day." More like last night but he doesn't really want to bring that up. Dean's face lights up.

"Really? Was I good?" Dean asks, a mischievous glint in his eye. Castiel chuckles.

"You were alright." Castiel says, not giving him the satisfaction.

"Alright? Pfft. I'm freaking awesome." Dean grins and Castiel shakes his head.

"You really are humble, aren't you?"

"Shut up." Dean says, shoving him in the shoulder. Castiel chuckles quietly to himself before focusing his attention back on the screen. A few moments pass before Dean speaks again, his voice quieter even though the rest of the family seems to be engaged in some other conversation.

"You know, you should come to one of my games." Dean says, and he looks kind of...hopeful. Castiel smiles.

"Would you like that?" Dean bites his bottom lip and nods.

"Yeah, I think I would."

Castiel stares at him for a moment trying to figure out whether he’s just trying to be nice as per Castiel’s request or whether he actually wants him to come. So Castiel just nods and looks towards the television.

Dean and Castiel sit in silence for a few minutes after that. Castiel notices out of the corner of his eye that Dean is tapping his fingers on his leg in some sort of rhythm until Sam turns around and hits him on the leg to get his attention.

“Hey, you never told me how your exams went. Did you do well?” Sam asks, making everyone turn their heads.

“I don’t know. I haven’t gotten any results back yet but I think I did pretty well.” Dean says, with a grin on his face. But it’s not one of those cocky ones he usually wears. He seems proud. It’s a good look.

“Well, we told you so.” Ellen says, sending a wink in Dean’s direction.

“What about you, Castiel? You had any exams recently?” Sam asks, turning to him. Castiel feels all the eyes on the room on him.

“Ah - yeah, I did. I think I did alright as well but I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.” Castiel barely finishes his sentence before Dean is speaking.

"He's being way too humble by the way. He'll probably ace all of them." Dean says, nonchalantly. The rest of the room seems to fade into the background as Castiel focuses on what Dean just said. 

"Why would you think that?" Castiel asks, and Dean just looks at him like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"Well, you were pretty damn smart at high school and every time I've come over to your dorm, you seem to be pretty organised with your studying and whatnot." Dean says, and that icy feeling seeps back through Castiel's walls. Because it was one of _those_ things. One of those things that Dean used to tease him about. Not the smart part of course, but the fact that he studied a lot. He didn't go out partying like other teenagers did.

Castiel doesn't realise he and Dean have been staring at each other for a little while before Sam clears his throat. "Hey, why don't we get out that apple pie?" They both look away, Castiel feeling rather awkward. It dissipates slightly though, when everyone gets up and heads towards the kitchen to get some dessert.

Dean cuts a piece for everyone and they all stand around the kitchen, digging in when they're handed their slice. Castiel's surprised by how good it is when he takes his first bite. 

"This is very nice, Dean, thank you." Castiel mutters quietly to Dean, who has come to stand by him against the kitchen counter.

"Don't thank me. You helped make it too, you know." Dean says, grabbing his own fork and taking his first bite. Castiel shrugs.

"I don't know if I was of that much help." Castiel says, looking up from his pie to meet Dean's eyes. 

"Well, I think you were." Dean replies, giving him a warm smile before winking. Castiel feels his face heat up at the memory of their kiss and quickly looks over to the others to see if anyone saw but they're all too engrossed in their own conversations. Castiel keeps his eyes away from Dean after that, finishing his pie in silence, although he can feel Dean's eyes on him every once in a while.

"Alright, ya idjits. I think we're gonna hit the hay. Had a long day." Bobby says, quickly cleaning his plate before putting it on the rack to dry, Ellen following suit. 

"You can all stay down here if you want, but just keep it down, will ya?" Ellen says, before they both wish every one a goodnight and head off up the stairs.

Castiel steps forward to do his own plate, when Dean grabs him lightly by the arm. "Here. I'll do that for you. You go sit down." Dean says, looking like he won't take no for an answer.

"Oh, um, okay." Castiel mumbles, handing over his plate and not missing the way their fingers touch. It's so very ridiculous, Castiel thinks, as he walks back into the living room and sits down on his corner of the couch. They've touched each other pretty much everywhere but for some reason in this situation, Dean's fingers grazing his own is enough to feel warmth rush to the area. Castiel sighs and tries really hard not to notice how when Dean comes back, he sits a little bit closer and spreads his legs wider so that he's touching Castiel. Ridiculous.

The four of them sit around the television for while, finishing the game and moving on to watch another one that comes on after. Castiel listens to Jo and Sam talk about school and all of the different things that are happening. Horrible teachers, annoying girls and stuck up guys. He then listens to Dean teasing Sam about a girl he likes and when the conversation starts toning down, Jo speaks up.

"So Dean, what ever happened to that girl...what was her name?" Castiel perks up at that. Dean just huffs, pointedly not looking at Castiel.

"Yeah, that didn't last long." Dean says, shuffling on the couch awkwardly.

"So, what now? You just gone back to hitting everything that moves?" Sam says, his time now to be the one who is teasing and not being teased. 

"Uh, no. Not really. Kinda taking a break from that at the moment." Dean says, the lie rolling off his tongue easily. Castiel restrains his eyes from rolling out of his head. 

Sam snorts. "Really?" he asks, the disbelief heavy in his tone. Dean shrugs.

"Yeah, really."

"What about you, Cas? You got anyone in your life at the moment." Jo asks, and Castiel can't help but laugh.

"Oh no, not me. I mean, I don't really go out a lot so," Castiel says, looking down at his hands.

"I bet if you did though, someone would scoop you up pretty quick." Castiel's brain takes a moment to process what Dean has said and when he does he slowly looks up, meeting Dean's green eyes. They look sincere. That fuzzy feeling warms his chest and he looks back down again, fiddling with the loose threads on the arm of the couch.

"Yeah, I'm not sure about that." Castiel replies.

"Alright, well I'm off to bed." Jo states, abruptly.

"Me too." Sam pipes in, standing up and moving towards the stairs.

"I guess we should probably head off too." Dean says, turning the television off. Castiel nods, standing himself and following Dean up the stairs. 

Castiel comes to a stop inside of Dean's room as Dean closes the door behind them and clicks the lock. Castiel stares at the bed in front of him. 

"So, this is my room. The wardrobes over there, the bathroom just in there and this is the bed where I used to jerk off to you." Dean says, with a smirk. Castiel feels a shiver shoot down his spine and he looks to the ground. Dean clears his throat. "I'm sorry. That was inappropriate." he says, scuffing his boots on the carpet.

"No, it's, um, fine. It's just quite the compliment, I guess." Castiel blurts out, not really knowing where he's going with this. 

"Right, I guess so." A few moments of silence pass before Castiel decides to speak up.

"I think...you should kiss me." Castiel says, slowly, turning to look at Dean and seeing his eyes wide and mouth slightly parted.

"Okay," Dean says, nodding jerkily, "Yeah, I can do that. I can definitely do that." Dean mumbles, stepping closer to Castiel and placing his hands in his hips. Dean leans in and Castiel meets him halfway, his hands curling into the fabric of Dean's shirt. The kiss is soft and slow, and Castiel thinks that Dean is trying for Castiel's sake to keep it that way. So Castiel pushes forward, their noses bumping together until Dean gets the message and pushes back, the kiss becoming more and more heated. 

Dean bites at Castiel's bottom lip, making him hiss and pull slightly away. Castiel swallows, still not meeting Dean's eyes. "I think we should move this to the bed." Castiel says, quietly.

"Yeah, okay." Dean's breath warms his lips and suddenly Dean's bending down and wrapping his arms under Castiel's legs. Castiel can't help the laugh that escapes him as he jumps up into Dean's arms. 

"Why do you always do this? The bed's only a metre away." Castiel asks, a shy smile on his face

"Because I like carrying you." Dean says, simple as that. Castiel presses their mouths back together as Dean lays him down on the bed. Dean's tongue prods at his lips until Castiel's lets him in, his hands gripping onto the fabric of Dean's shirt on his back. Dean's own hands move in different directions. One finding it's way to the side of his stomach and the other dragging up and down his thigh. 

Dean pulls away for air, panting heavily and leaning their foreheads together. Castiel sees Dean biting his lip harshly and a moment later he's grinding down forcefully into Castiel, their clothed cocks sliding together. Castiel gasps.

" _Fuck, Cas_. Can I - can I fuck you?" Dean's voice is low and gruff and Castiel can feel his own cock start to fill.

"Yes, yes. Please fuck me, Dean." Castiel responds, his voice already wrecked. Dean grinds down again at that, even harder than the last time.

"Fuck, fuck. Okay, baby." Dean says, as he lifts himself off and shrugs his flannel off, followed by his shirt. Castiel's pupils dilate at the sight. He doesn't know anything in this moment except that he wants Dean. Castiel follows suit, pulling his own long sleeve shirt up and over his head and throwing it off the bed somewhere.

Dean pushes himself off the bed. Pulling at Castiel's shoes and socks until they come off and then working on his own. Castiel lies, on the bed, already breathless, his chest heaving as he waits for Dean to join him again.

"C'mon, baby. Let's get these off." Dean says, quietly, crawling back on the bed to undo the button and zipper of Castiel's jeans. Dean pulls him forward, Castiel sliding across the bed and closer to him, his feet planting next to where Dean is, who now has Castiel's ass in his lap.

Castiel lifts his hips up and Dean pulls Castiel's jeans and boxers down over the curve of his ass in one smooth motion, Castiel's half hard cock bobbing free. Dean moves off the bed again to pull them off the rest of the way and continues to pull off his own, obviously not having the patience to tease Castiel.

Castiel watches Dean walk over to his bag and pull a small bottle of lube out of the side. Castiel would make some snide remark about Dean being optimistic but he's far too aroused to think about anything other than how he wants Dean to be inside of him already.

Dean finally, climbs back on the bed, hovering over Castiel and giving him a quick heated kiss. "Fuck, you're so fucking gorgeous, Cas." he whispers into Castiel's ear. Castiel's mouth parts and he lets out a soft whine.  
  
"Turn over for me, baby. Lie on your stomach." Dean says, his voice soft and firm at the same time. Castiel's body flushes but he obeys, rolling over onto his stomach and spreading his legs. "Fuck, baby, you're gonna have to be quiet okay. We don't want anyone hearing us. Can you do that for me?"

Castiel nods into the mattress, as he feels one of Dean's hands smooth over his ass. It's followed by the sound of a cap clicking and Castiel's rim clenches around nothing in anticipation. He doesn't have to wait long before a cold, wet finger is pressed into his hole. He clenches his jaw.

"Fuck, Cas, so tight for me." Dean says, thrusting it in and out slowly while his other hand comes to rest on Castiel's lower back. Castiel grinds his ass back onto Dean's finger, wanting to be fuller. Dean seems to understand because a second finger is suddenly pushed inside of him, Castiel's breathing coming heavier.

The sheet below his cock is wet from precome. "Please, Dean. I need more." Castiel whispers, squirming on the sheets.

"I know, baby. Can't wait to be inside of you." Dean says, as a third fingers is added. Dean thrusts his digits in and out, Castiel's ass clenching around them. Castiel alternates between pushing his ass back onto Dean's fingers and pushing his cock forward to find some friction on the mattress. "Okay, baby. I think you're ready." Dean says, his fingers pulling out and leaving Castiel feeling empty.

Castiel's hears Dean slicking up his own cock, and reaches back to pull open his asscheeks for Dean. "Oh, fuck, baby. So hot." Dean whispers, the head of his cock breaching Castiel's rim. Castiel's holds his breath as Dean slowly bottoms out inside of him. "Fuck, so fucking tight. Feels so fucking good." Dean breathes out, letting himself get used to the feel.

Suddenly, Dean's lowering himself down on Castiel, his cock pushing in deeper and the warmth of his skin, lighting Castiel's on fire. Dean sucks at his ear lobe, one hand finding it's way under his chest and the other coming around under his shoulders. Castiel closes his eyes and whimpers.

"You ready, baby?" Dean asks. Castiel nods jerkily twice before Dean's thrusting his hips forward and into Castiel. Castiel gasps, his mouth hanging open.

Dean's hips move fast but their skin never separates, meaning that there's no slapping of skin, only the sound of Dean and Castiel panting. "God, Cas. Missed being this close to you. Missed having you like this." Dean whispers, before biting down on his shoulder.

Castiel quickly cuts off the whine that breaches his lips, clenching his eyes shut. It doesn't help when, the hand under Castiel's chest, finds one of his nipples and starts to rub it, making Castiel bite down on his lips as hard as he can.

The wetness below him grows bigger as more and more precome spills from his hard, throbbing cock. Castiel's ass squeezes around Dean's own cock as it pounds into him, filling him up completely. A breath is punched out of him when Dean finds his prostate, slamming into it over and over and sending pleasure shooting through his body. Castiel pants heavily, doing his best to not make a sound, his hands clenching in the sheets.

"Fuck, Cas. I'm close. I'm gonna -" Dean starts, slowing down but thrusting in with more force than before and making Castiel's toes curl. Dean's hips stutter as warm liquid pulses into Castiel's ass. Dean bites down into Castiel's neck again as he comes, making Castiel turn his face into the mattress to muffle his cry.

Dean thrusts a few more times, emptying himself before he comes to a stop. "Please let me come, Dean." Castiel whimpers, still trying to grind his cock into the mattress.

"'Course, baby. Fuck, you were so good being quiet for me. Always so good." Dean says, lifting his hips and taking his arm out from under Castiel's chest and moving it down underneath Castiels' stomach so he can grab Castiel's cock. Dean's other hand moves up from his shoulder to cover his mouth and Castiel's eyes roll into the back of his head. "C'mon, Cas. Come for me." Dean says. He jerks his cock roughly a few times and mouths over where he bit Castiel and it has Castiel coming onto the sheets in long pulses, his moan muffled by Dean's hand.

Castiel slumps into the mattress after he's been stroked through his release. His muscles feel like jelly from being tensed for so long. He feels as though he could fall asleep just like this. All fucked out and lying in his own come with Dean's dripping out of his ass.

Dean pushes himself off of Castiel, much to his disappointment. He liked having Dean's body covering his own. All of a sudden hee feels the pad of a thumb pressed against his rim, scooping up some of the come that has dripped out and pushing it back inside. Castiel whimpers when it's followed by a hot tongue licking into him. 

"You taste so fucking good, baby. All filled up with my come." Castiel's soft cock twitches underneath him as Dean eats him out, his hands gripping Castiel's asscheeks tightly and holding them apart. Castiel forces himself to relax, his body melting into the mattress. After a minute or so, Dean finally pulls away, pushing himself, this time all the way off of Castiel and lying down beside him, his eyes meeting Castiel's tired ones.

"Sorry. I couldn't help myself." Dean says, and Castiel hums to let him know he liked it. Dean smiles at that and brings up a hand to run through Castiel's hair. "You okay?" he asks. Castiel smiles.

"Yeah, I'm okay." he breathes out, leaning his head into Dean's touch. Dean nods. 

"Good." Dean says, before biting his own lip. "We should probably get changed. I'll keep the door locked but I don't really think we'd want to be running around in the morning trying to pull some pants on, if you know what I mean."

Castiel nods back. "Hmm, probably not. Although, I'm not too sure that I can get up right now."

Dean chuckles. "Here, let me help you." he says, hopping off the bed and heading into the bathroom. He first wipes himself down with a washcloth and then proceeds to do Castiel, even turning him over to clean up his stomach and the mattress.

"Sorry about the sheets. I hope it comes out." Castiel says, sheepishly. Dean smirks.

"Trust me, it comes out." Dean says, winking and Castiel is reminded of when Dean told him that he used to jerk off to Castiel in this bed. A shiver runs down his spine. "Okay, you usually sleep in boxers and a shirt, right?" Dean picks up his own clothes that have been thrown all over the ground, and throws them over in the direction of his bag before doing the same with Castiel's, except instead of throwing them he walks over and places them down next to Castiel's bag.

The corner of his lips quirk up. "Uh, yeah. It's the grey shirt." Castiel says, pushing himself into a sitting position and pulling his knees up to try and cover himself.

"Got it." Dean says, holding up the grey shirt with one hand and boxers in another. He walks over to Castiel and smiles when he sees that Castiel has his knees pulled to his chest. "It's cute that you're still so shy after we have sex."

Castiel grumbles, plucking his shirt out of Dean's grasp and pulling it over his head. "Shut up."

"No, it's not a bad thing. It's just that, I have seen all of you, you know." Dean says, stepping closer and running a hand up his thigh. Castiel blushes.

"Just give me my -" he starts, reaching forward and grabbing his boxers before hastily pulling them on. Dean laughs, quickly leaning forward to kiss Castiel on the cheek before walking over to his own bag and pulling out some boxers and a shirt.

Castiel shakes his head, pulling the sheets out from under him and slipping under them. Dean follows suit, pulling his pyjamas on and slipping under the covers next to Castiel.

"Hopefully you'll get a good sleep tonight. I mean, you do look pretty tired." Dean says, turning to face Castiel.

Castiel sighs. "I'm pretty sure I was already tired before...you know. But if I wasn't then, I am definitely tired now." Castiel says, his eyes drooping.

"Well, it was a big day so I can't blame you." Dean says, and there it is again, Dean's hand coming up to run his fingers through Castiel's hair. It's nice. Relaxing. Castiel wishes Dean could do it all night.

"Yeah, it was." Castiel responds, thinking back to how the morning started. He was in the library, reading a book and feeling pretty sorry for himself. And now here he is, all the way back in Kansas, about to go to sleep in Dean Winchester's old bed. He smiles. "But it was a good one too."

Dean's eyes light up. "Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Dean nods, his hand unfortunately retracting from Castiel's hair and back to his side. Castiel misses the feel of it already. "Hey, can I - uh - ask you something?" Dean says, his eyes peeking out from under his eyelashes.

"Sure." Castiel replies, his mind already racing with what it could be.

"You said earlier that you didn't think anyone would be interested in you. What makes you think that? I mean, I'm sure you've been hit on before. You're a pretty good looking guy."

Castiel huffs and rolls onto his back. "Yeah, well, I have been hit on before and I get it. I get that people want to have sex with me because hey, I apparently have a nice ass. But date me? No one wants to date a nerdy guy like me. I mean, I'm pretty boring, so," Castiel says, trailing off with a frown.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree." Castiel turns his head to see Dean still staring at him, a strange look in his eyes. Castiel opens his mouth to respond but Dean beats him to it.

"Can I turn the light off? I'm pretty tired now too and I think I'm gonna fall asleep any second." Dean says, rolling over to reach for the light switch.

"Yeah, sure." Castiel says, before turning onto his side. He hears the flick of the switch and the room turns dark. Castiel hears Dean shuffling around in the bed and he yearns for Dean to hold him again. It feels like it's been weeks not a few days.

Castiel lets out a breath of relief when he sees an arm curling over him. Dean pulls him snug against his chest and kisses his cheek again. Castiel feels butterflies in his chest.

"Night, Cas." Dean mumbles into his ear.

"Goodnight, Dean." Castiel says, and tries to restrains himself from taking Dean's hand in his own. Eventually, though, sleep catches up to him and he doesn't have to try so hard anymore.

***

Castiel wakes to an empty bed. He frowns, looking around to see if Dean's somewhere in the room. He's not. Castiel sighs, rubbing his eyes and pushing himself up so he can lean back against the pillows. The sound of the door clicking has Castiel looking up to see Dean walking back in, and locking it behind him.

"You're up. Sorry, I didn't want to wake you." Dean says, walking over to Castiel's side of the bed and sitting down.

"Thank you." Castiel says, looking down at his hands, although he kind of wishes Dean would have stayed in bed with him.

"No problem. I just left for a second to go find out what the plans were for today."

Castiel raises his eyebrows. "Oh. And what are they?"

"Well, we'll eat breakfast and have showers first but then Jo, Sam, you and I are going into town for some last minute Christmas shopping." Dean says, making Castiel's eyes widen.

"Wait, do I have to - "

"No! No, you don't have to buy anyone anything." Dean says, quickly, Castiel letting out a breath of relief. "I just thought you'd want to come with me instead of hanging here with Ellen and Bobby." 

Castiel lets out a breathy laugh. "Right. Yeah, I'll tag along, I guess." 

"Okay, great." Dean says, pushing himself to a standing position. "Also I told everybody that we'd shower first before coming down for breakfast, so," 

"Okay. Well, you can go first if you want."  Castiel says, waving his hand in the direction of the bathroom. Dean stares at him for a moment before cocking his head, a smirk on his face. It takes a moment to hit Castiel and when it does, he blushes, looking away from Dean. Thinking back on it, he's not too sure why he even thought they would shower separately. "Right. I'll just...get up, then." Castiel mumbles, pushing himself off of the bed and walking past Dean without looking at him. 

He hears Dean laughing behind him. "See. I told you you were cute." 

"Shut up." Castiel says, pulling his shirt over his head and pushing his boxers down to the floor. He opens the shower door and steps inside, turning the water on and adjusting it until it's a nice warm temperature. Dean's still laughing when he steps into the shower, behind Castiel. 

Castiel turns to see him with a smile on his face and a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Is this the part where you back me into a corner, all seductively?" Castiel asks, raising his eyebrows. Dean chuckles.

"No, but I was gonna take you up on a promise you made to me." Dean says. Castiel scoffs. He knows exactly what Dean's talking about. He'll never forget the first time they were in a shower together.

"I never made you a promise." Dean shrugs.

"Yeah, okay. Maybe it wasn't a promise but whatever it was, I would like to redeem it now." Dean says, looking at Castiel expectantly. 

"You're unbelievable." Castiel mutters, before getting down on his knees and reaching forward to grasp Dean's cock. 

" _Ah f_ -" Dean bites down on his lip hard to cut himself off. The warm water pounds down on Castiel's back as he strokes Dean's cock to hardness. "You know, if I knew you looked this good on your knees for me, we would've done this a long time ag - " A punched out breath escapes Dean when Castiel licks the underside of his cock before taking him into his mouth. 

Dean hums, his hands reaching out and gripping Castiel's hair tightly. Castiel bobs his head, his tongue licking at Dean's slit when he reaches the top. One of Castiel's hand strokes the part of Dean's cock that Castiel can't reach with his mouth while the other finds their way under to massage Dean's balls.

"Mmm, fuck, Cas." Dean pants, making Castiel look up from under his eyelashes and meet Dean's eyes. " _Fuck_ , don't look at me like that. You're gonna make me come."

The grip on Castiel's hair gets tighter as Castiel bobs his head faster and it's not too long before Dean's giving small, shallow thrusts into his mouth. "I'm gonna shoot my load in you. You gonna swallow it for me? Suck me dry?" Dean asks, his eyes hooded with lust.

Castiel can only nod, breathing heavily through his nose as he licks and sucks Dean to orgasm. Dean's hips still when he comes, his eyes closing as the warm liquid fills up Castiel's mouth. Castiel tries to swallow it all but some of it spills out the side. Castiel waits until Dean opens his eyes and is looking at him to scoop it up with his thumb and lick it off. 

Dean's cock twitches against Castiel's cheek and suddenly Dean's hands are under Castiel's arms and Dean's pulling him up into a filthy kiss. It's rough and messy and everything tastes like Dean's come but it's making Castiel's already half-hard cock pearl precome at the tip so he doesn't complain. The next thing he knows is he's being pushed back against the cold tiles and Dean is kneeling down in front of him.

"Wouldn't be a gentleman if I didn't return the favour." he says, with a wink and Castiel is about to roll his eyes when Dean's wet, hot mouth is swallowing him down. His mind blanks out at that and he lets the pleasure overtake him.

Dean's hands are grasping his thighs while Castiel's stay flat against the tiles. The shower is steaming up and Castiel leg's begin to tremble. One of Dean's hands trails from his thigh all the way to his ass. Castiel gasps when he drags a finger over his sensitive rim. 

Dean rubs over it quickly at the same time as he sucks Castiel hard and with a muffled groan Castiel comes, biting down on his hand and spurting his release into Dean's mouth. When the urge to cry out fades, Castiel grips onto Dean's shoulders to hold him up as Dean swallows all of his come. 

Finally, Dean pulls off, standing back up with a grin. He gives Castiel a quick kiss before stepping under the spray and swiftly cleaning himself with a bar of soap. Castiel continues to slump against the wall, his chest heaving.

"Okay. So I'm gonna turn the water off. We're gonna wait a minute and then you can turn it back on and finish up, okay?" Castiel can only nod, knowing that, yes if they didn't do that it could be rather incriminating. Dean grins. "And then we're going shopping." Castiel rolls his eyes. "Also, you've got a pretty big bruise on your shoulder." Dean says, his voice sounding sheepish before he dashes out of the shower.

Castiel looks down to where Dean had bit him last night. Several times. He groans at the sight of it, turning the water off. Great.

***

Castiel can't really remember the last time he went to the mall. It was definitely sometime over a year ago. And it most definitely wasn't with his family. Maybe it was with Anna or Gabriel. Maybe he was by himself. He doesn't know. All he knows is that it has changed. A lot.

"I gotta go get some money out. You guys just wait here for a sec." Dean says, shouldering the backpack he borrowed from Sam and walking off towards an ATM machine. Castiel shoves his hands in his pockets, observing the people around them when a thought pops into his head.

"Ah, Sam?" Castiel asks, making the younger boy's head pop up from his phone.

"Yeah?"

"When did you come down?" Sam's eyebrows pull together.

"Come down?" 

"Yeah, Dean said you came down earlier." 

"What do you mean? I live here." Now it's Castiel's turn for his eyebrows to pull together. Castiel opens his mouth to reply when Dean comes back.

"Alright, let's get started. You two have to stay together, alright? Call me if you need anything and meet us back here when you're done. Got it?"

"Whatever you say, Dean." Sam says, already starting to walk off.

"Have fun, guys." Jo waves before running over to catch up with Sam. Dean lets out a deep breath before turning to Castiel. 

"Hey - um - can I ask you a question?" Dean says, worrying his lower lip with his teeth. Castiel smiles, the conversation with Sam already forgotten. 

"Yes, Dean. You can ask me a question." 

"Right. Um, I was just wondering if there's anything you want for Christmas." Dean says, rubbing the back of his neck. Castiel squints.

"I'm sorry?" Castiel's mind is running around in circles. Did he hear that correctly?

"You know, like a present. Is there anything you want for Christmas?" Castiel huffs.

"No, no, you - I'm not gonna let you buy me a present. I mean, I get it. I'm a charity case. You feel bad but you don't have to waste your money -"

"No, Cas. You're not a fucking charity case - I - I want to, okay?" Dean says, and his eyes are pleading. Castiel's heart swells. Dean actually wants to.

"Okay. But I'm buying you a present too and you can't object to it because I _want_ to." Castiel says, pointing a finger at Dean. Dean huffs.

"Fine. But I have no fucking idea what I want." Dean says. A beat. Dean's eyes travel up and down Castiel. "Actually I do know what I want." Castiel face heats up and he looks away. "Will you ever stop blushing?" 

"Fuck off." Castiel says, pushing him in the chest with a smile. "Will you ever stop being annoying?"

Dean laughs, "C'mon. Seriously, you never answered my question. What do you want?" he asks, as he motions for Castiel to follow him in the opposite direction of where Jo and Sam went. Castiel throws his arms out to the side.

"I don't know. More books?" Castiel says, shrugging.

"God, you're such a fucking nerd." Dean says, with that stupid grin on his face.

"And you're such a fucking asshole." Castiel bites back. Dean doesn't stop grinning.

"Yeah, that's fair." he replies, bumping his shoulder against Castiel's. Castiel shakes his head and shoves his hands in his pockets so that he doesn't have the urge to reach out and take Dean's hand in his own.

***

They wandered around for a while, Dean looking for presents for Sam and Ellen, having already got some for Bobby and Jo. It doesn't take as long as Castiel thinks it might and soon enough they're splitting up to purchase presents for each other. Castiel racked his brain for a long time, not having a clue in the world as to what he could get Dean. So he did the best he could and got something that he thought Dean might like. He also did the best he could in hiding it, seeming as he didn't have a backpack to put it in, getting the nice lady behind the counter to wrap it first before putting it in a bag.

He sent a text off to Dean saying he was finished and to meet him back where they had separated but with the new changes to the store, he finds himself lost. 

He wonders around for a little while until he finds himself, embarrassingly, in the women's lingerie section when someone taps him on the shoulder. He spins around to find one very smug looking Dean Winchester.

"Hey, Cas. I think I know what to get you now." he says, pulling a bright red pair of panties out from the rack.

" _Dean_." Castiel hisses, hastily shoving the panties back where they came from before anyone can see. "There are other people here too, you know." Castiel quickly looks around to try and see if anyone was close enough to hear.

"Oh, c'mon, Cas. I think they'd look great on you. I mean, they might be a bit snug for you but..." Castiel's ears stop working when he spots the person just over the walkway, in the men's section.

"Shit. _Shit, shit, shit_." Castiel swears, not wasting any time in dashing in the opposite direction. He sees the sign for the changing rooms and darts left, running inside. He sprints into the closest changing cubicle and is about to pull it closed when Dean appears in front of him.

"What the fuck are you -" Castiel reaches out and yanks him inside by his arm, closing and locking the door behind him. He waits a moment to see if he can hear anything but when he can't he relaxes. It's then that he realise how close Dean is. The cubicle certainly wasn't made for two grown men.

"Hi." Dean says, wiggling his eyebrows and lifting his hands to rest on the curve of his ass.

"Don't you dare give me a fucking boner in a changing room." Castiel says, quietly. Dean frowns.

"You're no fun." Castiel rolls his eyes, and Dean's hands leave him. "Fine but may I ask what we're doing in here?"

Castiel takes a deep breath. "I saw my brother." A beat.

"Oh." 

"Yeah." Castiel breathes out, glad that Dean understands. A moment passes and Dean suddenly laughs, pressing a hand over his mouth to stop it. Castiel's previous thought goes down the drain. "What? It's not funny, Dean."

" _No_. No, I'm not laughing at that. It's just...you know this is a ladies changing room, right?" Dean says, with a barely suppressed smile. Castiel's face falls.

"Are you fucking serious?" A beat.

"Unfortunately, I am being serious for once." 

Castiel whines and leans his head forward, hitting it against Dean's shoulder over and over. Dean chuckles despite him and pats him on the back.

"I think we're gonna have to make a run for it." Dean says, looking deadly serious when Castiel lifts his head back up.

"I guess we are." Castiel huffs. Dean nods.

"If I don't make it out alive, I just want you to know - _ow_." Dean says, rubbing his arm where Castiel punched him.

"Shut up." Castiel says, trying to suppress his own laugh now.

Dean shrugs. "Sorry, I can't help it." 

"I got that." Castiel says, shuffling them around so he can unlock the door. "Okay. On three." Dean nods. "Three, two, one, go!" And there off, Castiel running out of the cubicle, his heart pounding in his chest. On the way out of the changing rooms he nearly hits a lady on the way in, who yelps.

"Sorry!" Castiel hears Dean say as the woman starts calling after them. Castiel turns his head just in time to see his brother, Luke, look up at the commotion. Castiel doesn't think about it, He just drops down on the ground behind a rack full of bras and regrets it a moment later when Dean runs straight into him, all of his weight landing on top of Castiel. 

" _Ow!_ Fuck, Dean _._ Get off of me." Castiel hisses, pushing Dean off of him. Dean covers his hand with his mouth again, looking like he's about to burst into laughter. 

"I'm sorry." Dean says, looking back to see some women already looking at them. Dean helps pull Castiel to his feet and they sit on their heels, Castiel quickly looking around the rack they've fallen behind to see if his brother is looking his way. He is.

"Fuck. He's looking." Castiel says, turning to Dean for help. Dean just scoffs in his face.

"Gee, Cas, Haven't you ever seen an action movie? Here, take my hand." Castiel stares at it. "C'mon take my hand! There are people coming." Dean says, and sure enough when he looks up their's an employee with a big frown walking towards them. Castiel grabs his hand. "Okay, stay low and follow me." Castiel nods. "Alright, three, two, one."

They're off again, the employee yelling after them as the zig zag through rack after rack and section after section of the store until they're out into the mall. But Dean doesn't stop running so Castiel doesn't either, gripping his hand tighter and pumping his legs faster, the bag with Dean's present flying behind him. There are heads after heads turning towards them as they sprint past but Castiel doesn't care because Dean's smiling like an idiot and so is he.

They exit the mall, running out into the sunlight. Dean pulls Castiel around a corner and not realising that they're stopping, runs straight into Dean, their chests smacking together. 

" _Ow_  - fuck, sorry." Castiel blurts out as Dean swears loudly. They stop and stare at each other for a second before they burst out laughing, their hands finally leaving each other. Castiel throws his head back and suddenly there's a pair of arms around his waist and he's being lifted up, his legs wrapping around Dean and his hands coming to grasp at his shoulders. Dean's got tears in his eyes, making Castiel laugh even more. 

"Holy fucking shit." Dean says, spinning Castiel around and smiling up at him as though he's the happiest man in the world. "That was the funnest thing I've ever done. I feel like I was just in a fucking Die Hard movie." Dean smiles even bigger when Castiel laughs again.

"Who's the nerd, now?" Castiel says, and Dean's about to retort when they hear giggling to their right. Castiel's immediately put down when they see a bunch of girls looking at them. Castiel bites his lip, looking down at the ground while Dean clears his throat.

"I should probably text Sam and Jo. Let them know to meet us at the car." he says, making Castiel look up. 

"Yeah, you probably should." Castiel says, and there's still a hint of a smile on Dean's face. Dean turns his head in the direction of the girls before looking back, his hands grabbing either side of Castiel's face and smashing their lips together in a kiss. Well, it's not really a kiss. They're both smiling way too hard for it to be consider a real kiss. But Castiel doesn't care. Because this feeling is better than any kiss he's ever had. 

Dean eventually pulls away, clearing his throat again. "I should - text." Dean mumbles, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

"Yeah." Castiel responds, watching as Dean's eyes flick up to his. He smiles again. Castiel thinks it might be infectious because he smiles back. He seemingly can't stop. He doesn't want to either. 

"Alright, done. We should head over to the car. Wait for them there." Dean says, pocketing his phone and beginning to walk in the direction of the Impala. Castiel nods, following beside him.

They don't say anything but after a few moments Dean takes Castiel's free hand again and squeezes it. Castiel looks towards him but Dean doesn't meet his eyes. He still has a smile on his face though. And it's enough. 

Castiel looks back in front of him, holding Dean's hand tight and knows that this is what happiness feels like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Next chapter will be up around the same time next week and if not I will let you all know in one of last answered comments! 
> 
> I just want to say that I'm really proud of this chapter. I've been sick all week and haven't really had much time to write. I thought I wasn't going to be able to get it posted tonight. But somehow today, I punched out nearly 6000 words and finished it off! 
> 
> I had so much fun writing this chapter, especially the last part. I really hoped you guys liked it too! Leave a comment below and I hope you have a good week! <3


	9. Chapter 9

After the mall, the four of them went to a local cafe for lunch and by the time they finally arrived home it was already the afternoon.

"Alright, you guys go first." Dean starts, as they pull into the driveway. "I don't want to risk any of you seeing the mind blowing gifts I got." 

Jo laughs from the back seat. "As if." she replies, before opening the door and hopping out of the car. 

"Yeah, in your dreams, Dean." Sam says, earning him the finger from Dean.

"Whatever, bitch." Dean retorts and Castiel raises his eyebrows. If he ever spoke like that to his family, he'd probably be kicked out for the night. Sam smiles, before following Jo out.

"Jerk." he says, shutting the door behind him. Dean sighs, relaxing back into his seat. Castiel watches Jo and Sam disappear into the house and turns his head to see Dean tapping his fingers on his knee. Castiel's not one hundred percent sure but he's starting to think that maybe it's a nervous habit.

Dean clears his throat suddenly and looks up to meet Castiel's eyes. "Um... _Cas?_ "

"Yes, Dean." Castiel replies, searching Dean's eyes for whether this could be a good thing or a bad thing. Because Castiel's assuming that this is why Dean wanted the others to leave. It's not like they can see presents through his backpack. Naturally, Castiel's mind automatically races with all the negative possible outcomes even though there is, from what he can see, no evidence that it is in fact a bad thing.

"I was wondering..." Dean starts, trailing off and looking away from Castiel. Castiel leans his head forward to catch Dean's eyes again.

" _Yes, Dean._ " 

Dean hesitates for a second before finally speaking. "I was wondering if you wanted to go ice skating tonight?" Castiel squints. He's not sure he understands why it was so hard for Dean to ask. 

"Of course, Dean. I thought we already established that I would rather go with you than hang here with Ellen and Bobby." Castiel says, making Dean's face light up in relief but then fall down after a moment in confusion.

"No, I meant just with me. Like no Sam or Jo. Just you and me." Dean says, waving his hands between them. Oh. Castiel stares. His brain seems to be short circuiting. Did Dean just ask him on a date? Is this a date? No, don't be ridiculous, Castiel thinks. Dean Winchester would never take him on a date. This is just Dean being nice to him. Making up for everything, like he said. Dean looks down and Castiel thinks he sees his cheeks redden. Dean reaches for the door handle. "Sorry. Clearly this was a mista - "

Castiel reaches out quickly and pulls him back by the shoulder. " _No! No, no_. I mean - yes to the ice skating with you. I would like to do that. Very much." Now it's Castiel's turn to be relieved when Dean's face lights up again. 

"Really?" Dean asks, his lips pulling up into a small smile.

Castiel nods, a smile of his own plastered on his face. "Yes, really." Dean grins.

"Okay, great. We'll go after dinner. How does that sound?" Dean says, and Castiel can already feel the excitement thrumming under his skin.

"Good. Sounds good." he replies, finally realising that he's still clutching onto Dean's shoulder and awkwardly lets it go. Dean doesn't seem to notice though. He just continues to stare at Castiel with a grin in his face. Eventually though, he turns away.

"We should head inside. They're probably wondering where we are." Dean says, this time successfully opening the door and stepping out. Castiel nods to himself, convincing himself that this is definitely not a date. He takes a deep breath. 

"Not a date." he whispers, before opening his own door and following after Dean.

***

The rest of the afternoon is spent with one person going up into Sam's room to wrap the presents they bought and bringing them back down to put under the tree, followed by the next person. When Castiel goes up to quickly wrap his one present he starts worrying again about whether he should have bought something for the rest of the family. Even just something to thank them for letting him stay. Castiel even says so when he sits back down next to Dean on the couch as Jo goes up, Home Alone 2 playing on the television.

"No, Cas. Seriously, stop worrying about it. Having you stay here is no trouble, okay? No one expects anything." Dean says, patting him reassuringly on the thigh. Castiel leg twitches slightly at the touch, his skin heating up.

"If you say so, Dean." Castiel says, and feels a wave of relief wash over him as Dean takes his hand away.

The next few hours pass by slowly due to Castiel's impatience. He checks the time every twenty minutes in anticipation and is always disappointed when he sees that it's only been _twenty minutes._ Every once in a while he has to calm himself down. Take deep breaths and tell himself that this is not a date so it's nothing to get worked up about. But he can't help it.

When time for Christmas dinner comes around, Castiel feels his nerves starting to outweigh his excitement. He struggles through the beautiful food, whilst Dean chows down beside him, clearly unfazed about what they're going to do tonight. Another piece of evidence to show that this is not a date. Ten minutes later, when everyone has finished their dinner, Dean finally says the words he's been wanting to hear for hours now.

"Alright, Cas and I are going out." he says, making all four heads turn their way. There's silence for a moment before Ellen speaks.

"Okay, well you boys have fun. And if you come back late, remember to keep quiet." 

"We will, Ellen. We're just gonna head upstairs and get our stuff and then we'll be off." Dean says, standing up and motioning Castiel to follow him. Castiel feels eyes on him as they head towards the stairs. They're quick to put their jackets and gloves on and head back down, four sets of eyes catching on them again.

"Drive safely, ya idjit." Bobby calls out. 

"Will do. See you later." Dean calls back over his shoulder as he closes the door behind them. Castiel feels instant relief and from the looks of it, Dean does too. Dean lets out a big breath before turning to look at Castiel. Dean smiles, and Castiel returns it.

"C'mon." Dean says, grabbing Castiel's hand and pulling him over to the car. Despite the cold, Castiel's chest spreads with warmth as he holds Dean's hand tight. It's ridiculous. The car is less then twenty metres away and yet Dean still took his hand. And twenty metres later, when they let go of each other, Castiel's hand feels empty.

"Alright, you ever been skating before." Dean asks, as he turns the ignition and pulls out onto the road.

"No, I haven't. Never had the occasion. Although, Anna _was_ going to take me this Christmas but she went away so we didn't get to go." Castiel says. He huffs a laugh. Anna's going to be jealous when she hears that Castiel went ice skating without her. Actually, maybe he shouldn't tell her. Because then she'd only ask questions. And Castiel knows that he can't lie to Anna. 

"Well, now's your chance." Dean says, looking just as excited as Castiel feels. Well, maybe Castiel's more excited about the part where it's with Dean but he's not going to tell anyone that. 

"Have you ever skated before?" Castiel asks, raising an eyebrow at Dean.

"Enough times now that I'm stable on my feet." he says, right before bursting out into laughter. "You should've seen Sammy though when he started. Just a tangle of limbs flailing around everywhere. It was hilarious."

Castiel smiles. "Hopefully I won't be too bad."

Dean turns to him then, looking him in the eye. "Don't worry. I'll teach you." he says and Castiel looks away flustered when Dean winks. 

The rest of the drive passes in comfortable silence and every once in a while he sees Dean looking at him out of the corner of his eye.

***

The ice rink is bigger than Castiel remembers when he used to pass it back when he was in high school. They're aren't that many people around either. A few couples here and there and one family with children. But other than that, it's mostly empty. They trade in their shoes for skates and sit down on a bench to put them on.

"Guess what I just found out." Dean says, as Castiel finishes tying up the laces.

"I don't know, Dean. What did you find out?" Castiel replies, humouring him. Dean sits up with a smirk, having finished tying his own.

"I have bigger feet than you. And you know what they say about big feet." 

Castiel bites down on his lip to stop himself from smiling. "You're infuriating." Castiel says, shoving Dean in the shoulder. Dean laughs. 

"I know. It's a charm." Dean says, grinning from ear to ear and looking real proud of himself. Castiel rolls his eyes but this time he can't hold back his smile.

"You know, I have seen your dick, Dean." Castiel says, and Dean smirks.

"I know you have." he replies, wiggling his eyebrows. Castiel shakes his head and stands up before Dean can be any more _infuriating_. 

"Alright, you ready?" Dean asks, standing up beside him. Castiel looks up to meet his eyes.

"I guess so." They walk over to the entrance together and Castiel doesn't waste a second after stepping onto the ice to clutch at Dean's arm. 

"Shit, this is worse than I expected." Castiel says, making Dean chuckle beside him. Dean looks more than just 'stable' on his feet. He's standing there, hands in his pockets looking as calm as ever as Castiel death grips his bicep and tries not to fall over as they start moving.

"Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it pretty soon." Dean says, removing his hands from his pockets and placing one on Castiel's lower back.

"And why would you think that?" Castiel asks, trying not to focus on the feel of Dean's hand on his back.

"Well, one, you're pretty athletic and two, I'm a great teacher." Dean says, before pushing Castiel forward slightly and with his other hand removes Castiel's own from his arm.

"What are you doing? Dean. Don't you dare let me go. _Dean_." Castiel says, as he feels himself being pushed forward and away from Dean. He can hear Dean laughing behind him and it's not too far before Castiel's falling onto his hands and knees. Castiel huffs and rolls over to sit on his ass. Dean comes to a stop beside him, looking down with a devilish grin. "A great teacher, huh?" Castiel deadpans.

Dean shrugs, looking rather proud again. "Well, I did get you on your hands and knees for me so yeah, I'd say I'm pretty good." 

Castiel shakes his head and looks down to hide the smile that threatens to shine through. "You're such a fucking asshole. And there _are_ children around. You know that right?"

Dean reaches a hand down to help pull him up with a smirk. "Well, if there are children around, maybe you should stop fucking swearing." he replies, and Castiel doesn't hesitate to pull Dean down onto the ice. 

" _Hey -"_ Dean shouts, as he lands with a thud and comes face to face with Castiel. "That's not - okay, that was fair." he finishes. Castiel gives him a smug smile and watches as Dean's eyes flick down to his lips and back up again. They stare at each other for a few seconds before the sound of someone skating straight past them snaps them out of it. 

Dean clears his throat. "We should probably get up." Dean says, standing back up onto his feet, effortlessly.

"I think I might need some help." Castiel says, knowing that he will only make a fool out of himself if he tries it on his own. 

"Oh, right. 'Course." Dean says, reaching a hand out and hauling him up. Castiel once again, immediately clutches on to Dean's bicep, making Dean smile. "Okay. Let's start again. Are you ready?"

Castiel nods. "I'm ready."

***

Castiel's not sure how long they practice for - well, how long _he_ practices for. All he knows is that he's getting better. He can now stand still without falling over and can skate for a _very_ short distance without needing to grab onto Dean to stabilise himself. Okay, maybe he's not that much better. However, Dean seems to think otherwise.

"Dean, that's too far." Castiel calls out from where he's currently standing. He watches as Dean skates further and further away from him, clearly not having the same doubts as Castiel.

"C'mon, Cas. I believe in you." Dean says, as he finally comes to a stop and turns around to face Castiel. Castiel sighs as he takes his first step and begins to skate forward. Castiel holds his arms out to balance himself, and looks up to see Dean smiling at him. Only a few metres away he stumbles, not being able to stop and running straight into Dean, their chests bumping together. Dean catches him by his jacket whilst Castiel, as always, grips onto his arms. Castiel lifts his head to see Dean grinning down at him.

"Hi there." Dean says, biting his lip and drawing Castiel's eyes to it. Castiel looks back up and pushes himself slightly away so he doesn't have the urge to kiss Dean in the middle of a public ice rink. 

"Was I successful?" Castiel asks, not missing the way Dean frowns for a second before schooling his features.

"Oh trust me. You were pretty successful." Dean says, and Castiel can tell he's being honest. 

"Really? I wasn't too embarrassing?" Dean laughs.

"You don't know the definition of embarrassing until you hear this story. Hold on." Dean says, as he pulls his right glove of with his teeth, shoves it in a pocket and digs into his other one to fish out his phone. He taps and flicks his thumb around for a second before he turns the phone towards Cas. "Okay, so this is the girl Sam has a crush on." Castiel squints his eyes and leans his head forward to get a better look. The girl is certainly beautiful. She has curly blonde hair and a big smile on her face. Sam sits next to her, an awkward smile and a clear blush staining his cheeks.

"They look very nice together." Castiel says, as Dean moves the phone away.

"Yeah they are. But I don't even know how she still likes him after what happened." Dean says, chuckling to himself.

"Oh, c'mon. It couldn't of been that bad."

Dean grins. "Oh, it was bad. We were just learning how to skate and of course he spots her over the other side of the rink, you know doing twirls and jumping around and whatnot like a pro. So after some convincing, Sam starts to head over and he puts his hands in his pockets to try to look cool." Dean cracks up laughing again, making Castiel smile. "And just as she spots him, he falls, his hands - his hands get caught in his pockets - " Castiel can't help but laugh at the image that pops into his head, "- and he falls face first into the ice." Dean finishes laughing along with Castiel. He feels guilty for laughing but he can't stop. He laughs until his stomach muscles hurt. 

The distinct sound of a phone snapping a picture has Castiel's head flying up to see Dean, his phone held out in front of him. "Did you just take a picture of me?" Castiel asks, his cheeks heating up. Dean's smiling. But it's not his usual smile. It seems more reserved. 

"Maybe." Dean says, looking down at his phone. Castiel swallows.

"Why did you do that?" Castiel asks, and it's not accusatory. It's out of genuine confusion. Dean shrugs. 

"I don't know. You were laughing. I like it when you laugh. You look nice." Dean says, looking up to meet Castiel's eyes. Castiel immediately looks away, biting his bottom lip so that he doesn't grin like an idiot. Warmth fills his chest and he feels like he's drowning in it. Another sound of the camera snapping a picture breaches his ears. Castiel looks up to see Dean with his phone out again. 

" _Dean._ " Castiel says, blocking his face with his hands before turning around and skating in the other direction. He hears Dean laugh behind him.

"You can't get away from me, Cas. You're not that good." Dean says, and Castiel looks back to see Dean casually skating behind him. Castiel grumbles as he comes to a stop against the wall of the rink. "Why are you so grumpy?" Dean skates up right behind him, caging him in against the wall, his chest to Castiel's back.

"I don't like getting my picture taken." Castiel mutters, as he feels an arm curl around his waist and watches as another comes around in front of him, phone in hand. Castiel ducks his head and suddenly he feels Dean's nose nuzzling into his cheek. 

"What about if I'm in it?" he says, his warm breath heating Castiel's cheeks even more. 

" _Dean_." Castiel says, but he looks back up towards the phone to see Dean's face completely nuzzled into the side of his and he melts.

"Come on, Cas. Smile and do that thing where you scrunch up your nose. It's the cutest thing." Dean says, and Castiel can't help but finally smile into the camera. "See." Dean says, smiling himself before taking some pictures. The feeling in his chest is overwhelming and Castiel feels as thought he might explode. After a few, Dean puts the phone into his pocket and pulls his glove back on, while Castiel turns around to face him. 

He suddenly can't hear anything else that's going on around him. Not with the way that Dean's looking at him. Like maybe he's the most beautiful thing in the world. Dean leans forward ever so slowly, his eyes continuously flicking between Castiel's lips and his eyes. Castiel's breathing starts to get heavier and finally Dean's lips are on his. They're cold and chapped, just like his own, but Castiel doesn't care. Dean's hands wrap around his waist and Castiel's find their way into Dean's hair. 

Dean hums as Castiel lightly pulls at the short strands with gloved hands. Castiel smiles, pulling away for air. But Dean doesn't stray far, resting their foreheads together and keeping Castiel as close as possible. Castiel's heart is pounding erratically in his chest and he's not sure he's ever felt anything like this. 

With one last kiss on the lips, Dean pulls away. Castiel reluctantly lets his hands drop to his sides. But after a few moments Dean holds his hand out. "Let's go around a few more times and then we can head back."

Castiel nods. "Okay." he says, nearly quiet enough to be a whisper. He takes Dean's hand and lets himself be pulled along. 

***

"So, what do you think?" Dean asks, as they both untie the laces on their skates.

"I had a lot of fun, Dean. Thank you." Castiel says, pulling his own shoes on. 

"Good. Here, let me take these back." Dean says, picking up Castiel's skates along with his own and wandering off. Castiel lets out a deep breath. It's been a long day. He feels like he could fall asleep right now, sitting up on this wooden bench. He waits a little while, watching as Dean gets in line behind a few people to return the skates.

"And what's your name, gorgeous?" Castiel whips his head around to see a random guy coming to a stop beside him. Castiel suddenly feels flattered and awkward at the same time.

"Who's asking?" he replies, eyeing the man up and down. He's got dark brown hair and a big smile on his face. He looks kind.

"David." the man says, reaching a hand out. Castiel takes it hesitantly and shakes it.

"Castiel." The man nods, looking around before focusing back on Castiel.

"You here with someone, Castiel." David asks, and Castiel has a feeling about where this might be going. 

"Uh, yeah. I'm here with a..." Castiel hesitates. What are they? They're not together so what does that leave them with. Are they friends? "...friend." Castiel finishes. 

"So, if I ask you out would that be - "

"Hey! What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Castiel turns his head to see Dean storming towards them with a pissed off look on his face. David takes a step backwards.

"Sorry, dude. Just having a friendly conversation." he says, as Dean comes to a halt in front of Castiel.

"Sure, man. I heard you. He's taken so piss off." Dean says, and instead of feeling warmth at the mention of the word 'taken', Castiel just feels that familiar sinking feeling in his chest. Castiel clenches his fists at his sides.

David holds up his hands. "Gee, calm down. I'll be on my way." he says, before turning to Castiel. "Nice meeting you, Castiel. Hope your man doesn't treat _you_ like this."

"Fuck off." Dean retorts, and without saying anything further, the man turns and walks away. As soon as he's out of hearing distance, Castiel abruptly stands up, takes ond step forward and shoves Dean hard in the chest.

"What the fuck was that!" Castiel says, his jaw clenching and unclenching.

"What do you mean what the fuck was that? Did you see what he was doing?" Dean replies, looking at Castiel like he's an idiot.

"Yeah, asshole. He was being nice and trying to ask me out on a date." Castiel says, and he's trying his hardest not to shout.  _Which I would've turned down,_ comes as an after thought. And it's true. 

"Yeah, which is code for he wants to get in your pants. I mean, he came over after he saw me with you. I'm just trying to help Cas." Dean says, throwing his arms out wide. Castiel stares at him. He can't believe he actually just heard that come out of Dean's mouth.

"Wow, here you go again." Castiel breathes out, the emotion welling up inside his chest. 

"What?" 

"You're being a hypocritical douchebag." 

Dean scoffs. "I'm was trying to hel - "

"No you fucking weren't. You're just being selfish. I mean, you didn't even have to take me on a date to get into my pants. That's how all this started, isn't it?" Castiel says, and Dean looks away. "And are you also forgetting how four fucking days ago you were knocking heads with a random girl?"

"Cas - "

" _No, Dean_. You're being fucking possessive. What, you're allowed to bang anyone you want but I'm not allowed to have anyone touch me except for you?" Castiel asks, his breath fogging up in front of him. Dean runs a hand through his hair and clenches his jaw.

"I thought you wanted this. What the fuck else do I have to do?" Dean says, and Castiel feels tears well up at the corner of his eyes. 

"Oh, I'm sorry. Was being nice to me for two days too much? Running your hand through my hair, giving my fucking compliments - is that the hardest fucking thing you've ever done in your life because if it is, I don't fucking want it!" Castiel shouts, not caring if anyone hears him anymore. The anger on Dean's face is finally replaced with a look of guilt. But it's not enough. 

"Cas, you know I didn't mean it like that." he says, his voice soft again. Dean reaches a hand out but Castiel bats it away.

"Don't fucking touch me. Just take me back." Castiel says, his voice tired as he turns and heads towards the Impala. Castiel curls up next to the window once he's seated inside. Tears stain his cheeks.

"Cas." 

"Just take me back." Castiel says, gritting his teeth so as to not let more emotion spill. Castiel hears Dean sigh and eventually he turns the ignition, the car rumbling to life. They drive back in silence, not even the radio playing in the background. When they pull up into the driveway, Castiel opens the door to leave but Dean grabs his arm and holds him back.

"Let me go." 

"Cas, please. I'm - "

"What? You gonna try to fuck me now? Make everything suddenly better?" Castiel spits. Dean looks away. 

"There's a key under the mat." he says, before letting go of Castiel. Castiel stares at him for a second before stepping out of the car. He slams the door shut and hunches his shoulders as he walks towards the front door. He doesn't see the way Dean hits the steering wheel with his fist.

Castiel retrieves the key and opens the door, finally taking a look back to see if Dean is following behind him. He's not. He's just sitting in his seat silently, staring blankly ahead of him. Castiel decides not to wait, shoving the key back under the mat and closing the door behind him. He's relieved to find that no one is up, the house dark and quiet. He makes his way up the stairs slowly. All of his energy is now officially drained. 

Somehow, though, he finds the strength to strip down to his shirt and boxers. He practically collapses onto the bed, only pulling the sheets up and over himself when he starts to feel the cold. Castiel doesn't cry. It's the only upside of feeling this tired. So he just stares at the wall blankly. It was all going so well. He was happy. He should be happy. Dean practically said to that guy that they were together. But he can't. Not until Dean admits that he was wrong.

But he doesn't know if he'll even get that because even after everything, Dean still hasn't apologised for that girl. Castiel can't be sure that it _won't_ happen again because the fact is, they're not together. They're not. Dean only said it so the guy would leave Castiel alone. So that he could keep Castiel to himself. Castiel's pretty sure that if it was the other way round, Dean would happily flirt with whoever it was right in front of Castiel. And as if Dean ever cared about someone getting in Castiel's pants. It's clearly the only thing Dean was aiming to get out of Castiel before he called Dean out on the shit he'd done. Now all he's doing is trying to be nice enough so he can get back into Castiel's pants. Castiel shakes his head. He's not in the right state to be thinking about this.

The sound of a click alerts Castiel to Dean entering the room. He doesn't look at Castiel as he begins to strip down himself. Castiel rolls onto his side, when Dean climbs onto the other side of the bed. Castiel hears him shuffling around and suddenly Dean's chest is pressed up against his back. Castiel grits his teeth.

"Don't." he says, but Dean only wraps an arm around him and shoves his face into the side of Castiel's neck. Castiel closes his eyes and feels his chest pull tight. "Crossroad." The whisper falls from his lips as a plea. Dean presses his face further into Castiel but after a moment or so, Dean's warmth leaves him. Castiel sinks into the mattress and squeezes his eyes shut as hard as he can. He just wants to fall sleep.

But he doesn't. And neither does Dean. Not for a while.

***

Castiel wakes to a feeling of emptiness. The usual warmth isn't there and he's suddenly hit with everything that happened last night. He sighs. He doesn't want to think about this. So he gets out of bed, and heads straight into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and not even looking to see if Dean is awake. Only once he's under the warm spray of water can he relax. His head hurts and his chest aches. He can tell the day is going to be long. But at least they're going home today. Castiel never knew he would miss his tiny, cramped dorm so much. 

He washes his hair and rubs his whole body down with soap until he feels clean. He eventually steps out and dries himself off, pulling on his boxers again once he realises that he didn't bring some clothes into the bathroom with him. He lets out a deep breath and opens the door to see Dean sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the bathroom. Dean looks up to meet his eyes but Castiel quickly averts his own, walking over to where his bag is sitting on the floor. 

He quickly ruffles through and finds a shirt to pull over his head. It's strange that he still feels so self-conscious about his nakedness in front of Dean. He doesn't think he'll ever get used to it. Castiel hears Dean stand up and walk toward him as he pulls on a pair of jeans. He's just finished doing them up when all of a sudden a pair of arms are circling around his waist.

"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so fucking sorry." Dean says, resting his cheek against Castiel's own. And Castiel's too tired to fight it. So he melts into Dean's body, the feeling of emptiness leaving him. "I didn't mean any of that shit I said, Cas. I promise. I was just - I was jealous. But either way, I shouldn't have done what I did. And I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you again, okay? Please, just give me a chance."

It's not everything he wants to hear but it's something. Just having Dean straight up apologise is something. Castiel swallows down his emotion and nods. "Okay." he whispers, before turning around and burying his head into the crook of Dean's neck, his arms wrapping around Dean's waist. Maybe it's because he's weak or maybe it's because he was so happy before but he chooses to believe Dean. He chooses to believe that his thoughts were wrong and that Dean wouldn't try so hard for Castiel if he only wanted to get sex out of it. Because Dean would have no problem finding someone else who would be willing to give him that.

"How about you head down and get some breakfast. I'll be down in a few. I just need to take a shower and get something done." Dean says, rubbing a hand up and down his back. Castiel nods, reluctantly pushing away from Dean. Dean gives him a quick kiss on the forehead, making the corner of his lips pull up into a small smile. 

Maybe everything is going to turn out okay.

***

Castiel had already finished his breakfast by the time Dean had joined everyone downstairs. Sam asked Dean the same question he had asked Castiel, about whether he had a good time last night. Dean looked at Castiel for a moment, a guilty look in his eye before replying that it he did. Castiel felt Dean's hand find his own under the table and give it a squeeze. Castiel squeezed back.

Now, all six of them spread out around the Christmas tree in the living room, Castiel sitting on the floor next to Dean in one corner. Castiel's never felt so out of place. Fortunately, though, the family quickly starts unwrapping their presents, not really paying attention to Castiel awkwardly sitting in the corner. 

A nudge in the side, draws his attention to Dean. "Here. This is for you." Dean says, and Castiel looks down to see a tiny, wrapped present in the palm of his hand. 

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel says, grabbing it from Dean's hand and slowly unwrapping it. Excitement runs through him and when he sees a chain he pulls it out to see it's a necklace. The pendant on it is large and round and there's a quote on it, ' _What I say is, a town isn't a town without a bookstore. It may call itself a town, but unless it's got a bookstore it knows it's not fooling a soul_ '.

Castiel grins. The author and name of the book is on the bottom but Castiel doesn't even need to look because it's a quote from one of his favourite books, American Gods. "How did you know I liked this book?" Castiel asks, looking up at Dean who has a sheepish smile on his face.

"I - uh - I've kinda seen you reading it in the library. Like a lot. So, I just sort of took a shot. Even if you hadn't read it, I thought you'd appreciate the quote anyway." Dean says, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"Have you been stalking me, Dean Winchester?" Castiel says, with a teasing smile. 

"What? No. I do have to go to the library sometimes too, you know." Dean says, and Castiel thinks he sees a blush spread across Dean's cheeks. Dean peeks out under his eyelashes to survey the room, the other four still focused on unwrapping the gifts and having conversations of their own. "But, you know, sometimes I'll see you there and maybe stare for a little longer than I should. I mean, it's kind of hard to look away when you've got your glasses on and your eyebrows are pulled together in concentration. You look kind of grumpy. It's pretty cute."

Now it's Castiel's turn to duck his head and blush. 

"Also, I know you don't really wear necklaces but I thought you could maybe use it as a bookmark or something." Dean says, making Castiel look up again.

"Yeah, I might do that. Thank you, Dean." Castiel says, before moving towards the tree to grab the present he got for Dean. "This is my present to you."

"Should I be excited?" Dean asks, as he takes the present from Castiel's hands. 

"Not really. It's pretty bad." Castiel says, watching as Dean rips the wrapping paper open. 

"What's this?" Dean says, as he pulls the grey shirt out and holds it up to read the front. Dean laughs and Castiel feels kind of relieved. It has a picture of Batman's mask along with the words, ' _I'm not saying I'm Batman. I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in a room together'_. 

"So, you like it?" Castiel asks, hesitantly. 

"Fuck, yeah!" Dean says, grinning at Castiel. "And you know what? I even have Batman boxer briefs to match." 

Castiel snorts. "Okay, I'm going to have to see that." he says, and just after he realises he said that out loud. Luckily though, when he looks around, no one seems to be listening. 

"So, how did you know I like Batman?" Dean asks, with a smirk.

"I overhead you enough times talking to Charlie Bradbury about it in high school to know." Castiel says, making Dean smile.

"Thanks, Cas." Dean says, and this time he has a soft look on his face. Castiel just nods. Dean's eyes flick down to his lips and Castiel can't not notice. "Here, how about you help me unwrap some of these. You can keep the shitty presents." Dean says, laughing when Castiel whacks him on the arm. "What?"

Castiel just shakes his head and starts to unwrap one of Dean's presents. Dean doesn't say anything but after a little while Castiel notices Dean moving closer and closer to him until their knees are touching. Castiel supposes that this wasn't so bad after all.

***

"It was nice meeting you, boy. I hope you had a nice time." Bobby says, giving him a pat on the back.

"I did. Thank you very much for having me." Castiel replies, watching as Dean gets in some final hugs. 

"I'm glad to hear it." 

"And don't be afraid to come back to visit. Any friend of Dean's is welcome here." Ellen says, walking over from where she was giving Dean a hug.

"Thank you." 

"Alright, we better be going. I'll be back down soon." Dean says, placing a hand on Castiel's shoulder and leading him out the front door. 

"You better, Dean." Sam calls. They all wave and say goodbye before shutting the front door and leaving Dean and Castiel to themselves. 

"You had a good time?" Dean asks, looking hopeful.

"Yes, I did, Dean. Thank you for...well, everything." Dean's eyes are shining when he smiles.

"No problem. Let's get our stuff in the back." Dean says, before walking off towards the car. Castiel dumps his bag down in the back and walks round to hop in the passenger seat. He waits a few moments before Dean opens the door and sits down beside him, another present in his hand. Castiel's eyebrows pull together.

"Uh, just before we go. I actually got you something else. It's kinda lame but - ah - I thought you might like it. I mean, I don't know if you will but - here, just have it." Dean mumbles, pushing the present into Castiel's hands.

"Thank you, Dean. You really didn't have to get me anything extra." 

"Well, it's nothing really, just..." Dean trails off as Castiel starts to unwrap the present. "I had to use our crappy printer, so..." 

Castiel pulls out a plain, white photo frame with the words 'Merry Christmas' on it. And in it is one of the pictures that Dean took of them together last night. Castiel feels his throat close up. They look so happy. He looks so happy. The emotion wells up in his chest like a tidal wave. He's never felt like this.

But maybe it's because he's never been in love before. 

Castiel's smile grows wider. He's never once dared to think about it before. But he can't deny that somehow, in his own fucked up way, he's falling for Dean Winchester.

"Dean, this is..." Castiel can't get it out in words. There would be too much to say.

"Yeah, I know. Probably too much, right? I just wanted - " Dean starts but is stopped by the sight of Castiel climbing over to sit himself in Dean's lap. His hands grab either side of Dean's face and he crushes their lips together. It's not soft or slow like last night. It's rough and filled with so much passion that Castiel can barely breathe. Dean doesn't hesitate in responding, kissing back just as hard, his hands wrapping around and finding their way under Castiel's sweater and shirt to claw at his skin. 

Castiel kisses and kisses until he needs to pull back for air, but he doesn't go far, leaving his hands where they are. Dean has a ridiculous, gummy smile on his face.

"So, I'm guessing you liked it." Dean says, catching Castiel's eyes. Castiel leans forward again but this time he doesn't go for his lips. He wraps his arms tightly around Dean's shoulders and shoves his face into the crook of Dean's neck. 

"Thank you." Castiel whispers. Dean's arms tighten around him in response. He doesn't remember the last time someone other than his two best friends gave him something so...meaningful. Castiel could hold onto Dean forever, but he eventually pushes himself away and awkwardly fumbles his way back to his seat. 

Castiel straightens out his clothes the best he can before turning to look at Dean. His lips are shiny with spit and he has a goofy grin on his face. 

"Alright, next stop, home." Dean says, turning the keys in the ignition.

Castiel smiles. Home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> I originally planned for this fic to be around 12 chapters but since the amazing response and the fact that I have completely fallen in love with it, I was just wondering how many of you guys would keep reading and supporting it if I kept on going to maybe 20 chapters? Let me know in the comments what you think!
> 
> And the presents Dean and Cas gave each other are real and one day I will get them both haha


	10. Chapter 10

Castiel feels a touch of sadness when they pull up outside his building. He's happy to be back but he also doesn't want Dean to leave. Dean doesn't say anything once the car comes to a stop and the ignition is turned off. Castiel supposes that he might be thinking the same thing too.

"Would you like to come in?" Castiel asks, trying not to sound so hopeful. 

"I would, trust me, but I actually have a few things I have to do." Dean says, and Castiel's heart sinks a little. Dean must notice because he's quick to speak again. "How about tomorrow night? I could take you somewhere." 

Castiel can't restrain the way his face lights up. "Yeah, okay. Do you have a place in mind?" Dean grins.

"How about I make it a surprise?" he says, and Castiel smiles.

"Okay." he replies, softly. Castiel's drawn to the movement of Dean licking his lips. Dean notices and looks away, a small smile on his face. Castiel takes a few moments to just look at Dean. It mesmerises him how few days it took to turn his week around. "Dean, I just want to say thank you again. For the last few days."

"Don't have to thank me, Cas." Dean says, waving him off.

"Yes, Dean, I do. I want to." Castiel says, and Dean looks back up at him. "Really. Thank you." Dean rubs the back of his neck with his hand and gives him a smile.

"It was the least I could do." Dean responds, before clearing his throat. "I'll help you get your stuff out of the trunk." he continues, before opening his door and stepping out. Castiel follows, photo frame clutched tightly in his hand.

"So I'll see you tomorrow, then." Castiel says, as he slings his bag over his shoulder. 

"Yeah, I'll come by sometime in the evening. How does that sound?" Dean says, his hands shoved in the pockets of his jacket. Castiel nods.

"Sounds good." Castiel hesitates to leave and Dean smiles, looking both ways before stepping closer and curling his hands around Castiel's waist.

"Sorry. I should give you a goodbye kiss, shouldn't I?" Dean says, and Castiel ducks his head, a blush spreading across his cheeks. He feels stupid. He knows he shouldn't be nervous about kissing Dean. But it's so different now. When Dean leans in and plants his lips on his own it's soft and loving. Castiel's free hand curls into the fabric of Dean's shirt. He doesn't know how to label them now. All he knows is that they're not what they were. And that Castiel wants more. Maybe that's why he's so nervous. But then again, Dean always finds a way to make Castiel nervous and it doesn't help that he's been insecure about himself since high school. Not that he would tell anyone Anna or Gabriel that.

After a few moments Castiel pulls away, savouring the taste of Dean. "I should go." Castiel says, a smile on the corner of his lips.

Dean nods, letting go of him. "Yeah, you probably should. See you tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow." This time Castiel doesn't hesitate in turning to leave. He feels Dean watching him the whole way to his building and only when he's safely inside does he hear the sound of the Impala driving away. He has a skip in his step all the way back to his dorm.

Castiel dumps his bag on the ground, the photo frame on top of it and practically flops onto his bed once he gets inside. He lets out a deep breath and smiles. It's been a long few days. But they were also some of the best days he's ever had. He stares at the photo frame sitting atop his bag and pushes himself up to get it. He places it on his bedside table and looks at it for a second, frowning.

Would it be weird if he kept it there? Right next to his bed? What would Dean say if he saw it? Castiel shakes his head. Dean was the one who gave it to him in the first place. And besides, he might have to take it down when Anna and Gabriel get back. Or maybe he should just tell them. But what would he tell them? Dean and him...they don't really have a label for themselves at the moment. Would Dean want Anna and Gabriel to know? Or would he want to keep their relationship a secret? 

Castiel sighs. He should stop thinking. Castiel walks back over to his bag and digs through until he finds the necklace. He walks over to the book sitting on his bedside table and replaces the folded in half sticky note he had been using with the chain. Dean was right. It does look nice. Castiel pulls off his shoes and socks and lets them fall to the floor. He does the same with his jeans and sweater until he's left in only his boxers and shirt. He couldn't even care that it's still early in the evening. He's far too tired to do anything else but sleep.

He rolls onto his side and stares at the photo again. It's kind of romantic. _Kind of_ , Castiel's mind mocks. Of course it's romantic. Fuck buddies don't just give each other a photo frame with a photo of them both being all smiley. But what does that mean then? Does Dean want more like Castiel does? 

Castiel hopes so. With that thought in mind, Castiel closes his eyes and dozes off.

***

Castiel feels like he's taking a breath of relief when he pushes off into a jog the next morning. Running has always made him feel like that. Free, relaxed, less stressed. Well, that's probably because he's running away from his problems. Running away from all the questions he wants the answers to but is too afraid to ask. It also makes him less nervous for things. Like Dean taking him on a date tonight. Castiel gave up on trying to deny that it was date. He doesn't now what Dean thinks but he's not sure what else it could be.

It's a quiet day. Castiel spies two other students around but if he's going to be honest, not that many people would be crazy enough to get up at this time in the morning. Especially in Winter. And there's also the fact that most of them are still away for Christmas. Castiel likes the quiet though. He wishes it could be like this all the time. So he savours the moment. After he warms down from his run, he finds a bench to sit on and just observes what's in front of him.

It's kind of peaceful. He spots a few dark clouds in the distance. Castiel wonders if they'll hit the campus or not. He doesn't mind the rain anyway. It makes him just want to snuggle up under his blankets all day reading books or watching tv shows. He wonders if Dean would join him. 

Castiel smiles. He would like that. 

The rest of the morning is spent taking a shower, eating, unpacking the few things in his bag, and even though it’s not raining, at least not yet, he snuggles up under his blankets and reads. The vibration of his phone pulls him out of his trance and he emerges from the covers to grab it. It's from Gabriel.

_**Sweet Tooth** _

**_You know, if you weren't so stubborn, Cassie, I would have been down there in a second._ **

Castiel smiles. He'd received 'Merry Christmas' texts from Anna and Gabe on the way back from Kansas yesterday. He'd kept the details to a minimum, saying he spent most of it in his dorm. They're both coming back on the 29th to spend New Year's with Castiel, even though he insisted that he was fine. He was going to ask what Dean was doing but maybe it's not so much of a good idea anymore. Although he probably should tell Anna and Gabe what's been going on. He really doesn't want to keep it a secret forever.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I know, Gabe. But my Christmas turned out fine so in the end it was no big deal.** _

The response is almost immediate.

_**Sweet Tooth** _

_**Fine. But when Anna and I get back, we are going to have the best New Year's party ever. This is not negotiable.** _

Castiel laughs.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Of course, Gabe.** _

_**Sweet Tooth** _

_**;)** _

Castiel's just putting his phone back when it vibrates again. He huffs, grabbing it again when he sees that it's from Dean.

**_Asshole_ **

**_Can I pick you up at eight?_ **

Castiel's heart thuds louder in his chest. Yes, please, is the only thought running through his brain.

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_Sure. Will I meet you out the front?_ **

He types out quickly, not even caring that he probably looks way too eager.

**_Asshole_ **

**_Nah. I'll come up to your dorm._ **

Castiel feels heat spread to his cheeks at the mere mention of it. 

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_Okay. See you at eight._ **

**_Asshole_ **

**_You better wear your glasses._ **

A small smile breaches Castiel's lips. He pushes his glasses up his nose. 

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_I will._ **

Castiel places his phone back down on his bedside table and sinks back into his pillow. He hates waiting. 

*** 

By the time eight o'clock rolls around, Castiel is a mess. His hair is everywhere, his sweater is rumpled and he hasn't even got his socks or shoes on. Obviously this is the time when someone, who could only be Dean Winchester, knocks at the door. Castiel huffs, running a hand through his hair before walking over to the door and opening it.

Dean smirks as he looks Castiel up and down. "Can I come in?" Dean asks, before Castiel steps aside.

"I just have to put my shoes on. I'll be ready in a sec." Castiel says, as he closes the door behind Dean, and goes to sit on his bed to finish pulling on his socks and shoes. 

"Don't worry about it. Take your time." Dean says, coming to stand right in front of him. Castiel can practically feel the heat of Dean's gaze on him. He fumbles with his socks and ties his shoes up as slow as he can and tries not to focus on the boots mere inches away from him.

"Okay, let's g - " Dean's lips are on Castiel's before he can even finish the sentence. Dean shoves Castiel down, his back hitting the mattress and an instant later their mouths are sealed back together, Dean's nose skewing Castiel's glasses.

"Look so fucking good, baby." Dean mumbles into Castiel's skin as he begins mouthing at Castiel's jaw. 

"Dean." Castiel huffs, trying to push him away.

"C'mon, baby. Need you now." Dean says, his hands grasping at Castiel's thighs. Castiel closes his eyes. It would be so easy to just let Dean take him. But he knows that if they do this now, they'll never get around to leaving his dorm. And Castiel really wants to go on another date with Dean Winchester. God, he's such a fucking sap.

" _Dean_." Castiel grabs Dean's shoulders and holds him away. "We're supposed to be going out, remember." Dean whimpers. Actually fucking whimpers. 

"Please, Cas. We can do that after." he says, and he looks like a puppy that's been kicked. 

"No, we can do this after. C'mon, Dean. We're never going to leave if we start now. You know that." Castiel says, and Dean sighs, looking down Castiel's body mournfully.

"Promise we can do this later." Dean says, with a pout. Castiel smiles.

"I promise, Dean." 

"Fine. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna push myself away from you." Dean says, and when he hesitates, Castiel laughs. Dean smiles before pushing himself up into a standing position. "There. I fucking did it." Dean says, offering Castiel a hand and pulling him up as well. "Now, let's hurry up and go before I tie you to the bed and have my way with you." Dean says, with a wink and Castiel feels arousal shoot through his veins as he fixes his glasses and grabs his jacket to pull on.

Castiel's excitement plummets a little, when Dean lets go of his hand once they step out of his dorm. But he forgets about it once they're seated inside the Impala. They end up stopping at a drive thru to pick up some takeaway burgers so they can have them when they get to Dean's 'surprise location'. Most of the drive there passes by with Dean busting out to Led Zeppelin and chastising Castiel because, "You've never heard this song before? How dare you."

Ten minutes into it, they turn off the road and down a winding dirt track. When they do get there, Castiel doesn't recognise it at all, which figures because he's never been here before. They drive into the middle of what looks like a park. There are a few old benches here and there, and there's a big run down looking screen at the far end. 

"Is this one of those outdoor cinemas?" Castiel asks, when the car comes to a stop. 

"Used to be. Haven't seen anyone around here in a while. I mean, it doesn't have much use but it does have something else. C'mon." Dean says, grabbing the takeout and stepping out of the car. Castiel doesn't hesitate in opening his own door and following Dean further into the park. The night is cold, but when Castiel looks up, it's worth it. The trees around them are tall and dark, framing the sky in the most beautiful way. There are no clouds, the ones Castiel saw this morning, must have passed by.

"Nice, huh?" Dean says, sitting down at one of the benches. 

"Yeah, it is." Castiel says, joining Dean. "Is that why you brought me here?"

Dean shrugs. "Yeah. I thought you'd appreciate the view." Dean replies, handing Castiel his dinner. 

"Do you come here a lot?" Castiel says, unwrapping the paper and taking a bite out of his burger.

"Not really." Dean replies, nonchalantly. Castiel's eyebrows pull together.

"Have you ever brought anyone here?" 

"No. You're the first actually." Dean says, turning to meet his eyes. 

"Bullshit." Castiel says, the insecure part of him not believing it for a second. 

"What? It's true." 

"Really? You've never brought some chick out here to charm your way into her pants?" Castiel says, incredulously. 

Dean scoffs. "Trust me. I don't have to try that hard to get into someone's pants." Dean responds, a cocky smirk on his face.

"Asshole."

"Handsome -  _Hey_." Dean says, rubbing the spot where Castiel punched him in the arm. "Doesn't matter. Your logic doesn't work anyway because I've already gotten into your pants. Take that." Castiel huffs. He's more confused now than he was at the start of this conversation.

"So, what? You just come here by yourself?" Dean shrugs.

"Pretty much. It's something Sam and I have been doing since we were little, actually. He always wanted to star gaze. And, I would've brought him here but he's always busy so I just come by myself." Castiel's heart fills with warmth. It really seems like this is something special to Dean. And yet, here he is, bringing Castiel with him. Castiel doesn't know what it means but what he does know is that he'll finally accept it as a compliment. 

"You seem really close." _I wish I had that._

"Yeah, we are." Dean says, his eyes looking fond. Castiel can't remember the last time a member of his family looked like that when they thought about him. Castiel takes a bite out of his burger and swallows it down. He doesn't want to think about it.

"You must have a thousand stories up your sleeves. Care to share?"

Dean turns to him with big smile on his face. "Where do I start?"

By the time they finish their burgers, Castiel has laughed and smiled so much that he thinks his jaw might be starting to hurt. Castiel was told about the time Sam dressed up as Batman and jumped off their shed and broke his arm. Dean somehow forgot to add the detail about how Sam was just following him until Castiel asked. "I was Superman, Cas! Everyone knows Batman can't fly." He learnt about the first time Sam and Dean snuck out to star gaze. Apparently they've never had a view quite like that one, although Dean swears that this place is the closest he's ever got to it. He tells Castiel that it's why he doesn't want anyone else to know about it. He doesn't like sharing, apparently. Castiel doesn't say anything in that moment but he sees the way Dean looks at him, as if he's trying to say something. Castiel smiles and Dean smiles back before continuing on with the next story.

He talks about his brother like he's a mother talking about their child. After all the stories he hears, ones of Dean helping Sam and cleaning up after him, he's starting to think that maybe it's not so strange. Castiel doesn't know much about Dean's mother. All he knows is that she died when they were little. And from the lack of stories involving Dean's father, Castiel's guessing he hasn't been around for a long time. Not emotionally anyway. But Dean seems happy. He laughs and smiles along with Castiel as he tells the crazy tales of the Winchester brothers.

Finally though, Dean seems to come to a stop. Or maybe he's just run out of breath. Suddenly, he's repositioning himself so that one leg is on either side of the bench and moving himself as close as possible to Castiel.

"So, what about you?" Dean says.

"What about me?" Castiel replies, his eyebrows raised at how close Dean is. Dean doesn't move though.

"Tell me about yourself. I want to know more about you," Dean answers, and Castiel stares for a moment before looking away. He shrugs.

"There's not much to tell."

"Now it's my turn to call bullshit.”

"It's the truth. I'm a pretty boring person," Castiel says, looking down at his hands.

"Trust me, you're not," Dean responds, making Castiel meet his eyes again.

"How would you know? We haven't even spent that much time together," Castiel says, getting slight frustrated. 

"Well, the time I have spent with you, has been far from boring."

"Sex isn't supposed to be boring," Castiel retorts, making Dean let out a loud sigh.

"You know I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about when we went to the mall. That was pretty fucking far from boring," Dean says, a big grin on his face and somehow it makes Castiel huff out a laugh at the memory. "And what about when we went ice skating or when we made pie? Huh? C'mon, Cas. Tell me anything. What's your favourite colour?"

Castiel rolls his eyes, a smile plastered on his face. "I don't know. What's your favourite colour?"

"I kinda like blue," Dean says, with one of those smiles. The ones that are soft and loving. Reserved for only a few. Castiel shrugs.

"Well, the sky  _is_ pretty."

"Your eyes are too," Dean replies, without hesitation. Castiel stares at him for what seems like forever. Dean still has that smile on his face and a shine in his eyes. When Castiel's brain finally processes what Dean has said, he blushes and looks down. No one's ever said that to him before. He doesn't know how to deal with it. So, he pushes it away.

"I don't have any interesting stories. My brother and sister didn't really do anything with me. And when I came out they barely even talked to me unless they were criticising or making fun of me. And my parents were the same. I was just that gay kid who had too many opinions about things that other people didn't care about. So yeah, there's not that many stories to tell." Castiel looks up to see that the smile on Dean's face is gone. His eyes flash with what looks like sadness. Guilt. But it's gone nearly as soon as Castiel sees it.

"Well..." Dean starts, running a hand through Castiel's hair. "I guess we'll just have to spend more time together. You know, make new stories."

_I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you so fucking much it hurts._ Castiel can do nothing but stare into Dean's beautiful, green eyes. He thinks he knows the answer to Dean's question.

"Green." Castiel says, the word falling from his lips nearly as soft as a whisper. Dean's hand stops in its tracks.

"What?"

"My favourite colour. I'm kind of starting to like green." Dean bites his lip to hold back a smile. But it doesn't matter, because Castiel can see the smile in his eyes. "It's getting cold. Let's go back to the car," Castiel says, disrupting the silence.

"Yeah. Sure." Dean says, grabbing their rubbish and shoving it back in their takeout bag. Castiel lets out a deep breath when he hops inside the car, Dean putting the rubbish in the back as he sits down behind the steering wheel. 

"Is it later, yet?" Dean says, making Castiel's head turn. Dean's biting his lip again and eyeing Castiel up and down. A shiver runs down Castiel's spine when Dean's eyes meet his own. Castiel hesitates only for a moment before climbing his way over to sit on Dean's lap. Dean's mouth parts, his tongue darting out to wet his lips and his hands come to grasp at Castiel's hips. Castiel's own rest on Dean's shoulders.

"Yeah, I guess it is." Castiel breathes, leaning in to capture Dean's lips with his own. As soon as they meet, Dean's arms pull Castiel hard against his chest while his lips surge forward roughly. Castiel lets himself be taken over by Dean, running his hands through Dean's hair and holding on. Dean pushes at Castiel's jacket, yanking it down Castiel's arms and throwing it onto the seat behind him. Castiel arches his back and lets out a gasp when Dean's cold touch finds it's way under his layers. 

"God, Cas. You're so fucking beauti - " Dean tries to pull Castiel forward to seal their lips together but Castiel holds himself back. The stare at each other in silence, Dean looking uncertain. The only thing they can hear is the sound of their own panting as they try to regain their breath.

"Do you mean it?" Castiel whispers. Dean doesn't look away like Castiel expects. His eyes are strong and his arms wrap tighter around Castiel.

"Of course." Dean says, his voice firm and sincere. Castiel feels so vulnerable. It's not the first time Dean's said it. Castiel could never forget that. But after Dean said it, he tried to cover it up. He tried to make it seem like it never happened. Castiel wants to hear it this time and know that it wasn't just something that slipped out. 

"Tell me again." Castiel says, and Dean's eyes are searching for whatever is going on inside of Castiel's head. Castiel wonders if he sees his vulnerability. His insecurities. 

"You're beautiful. You're so fucking beautiful, Cas." Dean says, his eyes determined to make Castiel believe him. Those three words are so close from falling from Castiel's lips. Castiel leans forward to smash their lips together so they don't. Castiel grabs the hem of his sweater and shirt and pulls them both off in one motion, throwing them across the other seat. Something floods through his veins. Maybe it's passion. Maybe it's something else. All he knows is that he needs Dean now. 

Castiel notices the air starting to heat up around them when he shoves Dean's jacket down to his elbows. Dean shuffles a little bit, pulling the jacket off and they quickly follow with Dean's flannel and shirt, their lips continuously finding their way back to each other until their bare chests are pressed together. Castiel whimpers when Dean palms his crotch, massaging his half hard cock through his pants before beginning to unbutton them.

Dean slides Castiel's jeans over the curve of his ass, Castiel grabbing onto Dean's shoulders to help him. "Fuck, baby. You need to - get these off." Dean says, his voice lower than usual as he yanks at Castiel jeans. Castiel clambers off of him, collapsing down next to Dean. He practically rips his shoes and socks off before shoving his jeans and boxers down and throwing them into the pile of clothes next to him. He looks over to see Dean has unbuttoned his own jeans and shoved them along with his boxers down to his ankles. 

Castiel's cock fills even more when he sees the way Dean is stroking his cock in one hand, precome pearling at the tip and clutching a bottle of lube in the other. Dean reaches out and grabs him by the arm, pulling him towards him once he realises Castiel is done. "C'mere, Cas. Turn around for me. Fuck, you're so beautiful." Dean says, spinning Castiel around in his lap. "Lean forward, baby. Gonna open you up." 

Castiel leans forward, bracing his forearms on the steering wheel and waiting for the cold touch of lube. Castiel cries out when he feels Dean's hot, wet tongue lick a stripe up his rim, one hand holding Castiel's ass and the other clutching at one of Castiel's slightly trembling thighs. They're not there for long and suddenly Castiel hears the sound of the cap of the lube opening and only a few moments later, a finger is being pressed to his rim. 

Castiel eagerly pushes back onto it, not waiting for Dean to take it slow. "Shit, Cas. We'll get there, baby, we will. I don't want to hurt you." Dean says, his breath warm on Castiel's skin. 

Castiel rests his forehead on his arms, his glasses slipping down his nose slightly. "I don't need you to take your time, Dean. I need you now." Castiel bites off, just as another fingers slips in beside the first.

"I know, baby. This won't take long." Dean says, slapping his ass and making Castiel whimper again. Castiel bites his bottom lip and grinds his ass back onto Dean's fingers as Dean scissors them to open him up for a third. And it's not too long before a third is entering him. "Fuck, Cas. You should see yourself. So fucking hot how you open up for me. Can't wait to be inside you." 

A blush spreads to Castiel's chest at the comment but he doesn't stop working his ass back on Dean's fingers. He feels like his thighs are about to give way from standing in the awkward position when Dean finally removes them. The sound of Dean slicking up his cock has Castiel's hole clenching in anticipation. He needs Dean to hurry up and get inside him already. 

"C'mon, baby. Sit back on my cock." Dean says, and Castiel holds onto the steering wheel as he looks behind him and guides himself down. Dean holds his cock for Castiel and when it finally breaches him, he lets out something like a breath of relief. Castiel's muscle relax once he's sitting on Dean's lap, all filled up but it's not for long because Dean is soon thrusting up into him.

" _Uh -_ fuck, Dean." One of Dean's arms wraps around his stomach and the other curls under one of his thighs, lifting it slightly to get more space to fuck into Castiel. Castiel puts one hand on the steering wheel to balance himself and the other reaches down to grab his hard cock but Dean bats it away. Castiel whines.

"Not allowed to touch yourself. Got that?" Dean says, as Castiel's hand comes to rest over Dean's on his stomach.

"Yes, Dean." Castiel groans out, right as Dean hits his prostate. The hand on Castiel's stomach slips out underneath his own and torturously slow, travels it's way down to grab Castiel's cock. Castiel shouts out when Dean rubs his thumb over the slit, all of his muscles tensing at once. Castiel's own hand on his stomach finds it's way up and around the back of Dean's neck to restrain himself.

Dean's breath is hot on his neck, making his hairs stand on end. "You close, baby?" Dean asks, mouthing at his shoulder. A particularly hard thrust into his prostate has Castiel's cock pulsing in Dean's still hand. 

"Ye - _ah_ \- yes. I'm close, Dean." Castiel breathes out, his ass starting to clench around Dean's cock. Dean growls, the sound making Castiel's cock spurt precome onto Dean's fingers. 

"Good." Dean says, his voice gruff as he starts to thrust up even harder, his hand lifting Castiel's leg up even higher to get more leverage. Castiel can't help but let out little 'uh, uh, uh's and squeeze his eyes shut as Dean brings him closer to the edge. Dean's hand suddenly starts, moving quickly up and down his cock in time with his thrusts and Castiel comes with a shout, spilling all over Dean's hand.

Dean buries his face into Castiel's neck, his thrusts losing rhythm and with a muffled grunt he comes inside of Castiel. Dean thrusts a few more times, emptying himself before he slumps back into the seat. Castiel slumps back into him, not bothering to fix his glasses that have fallen slightly askew. They sit and relish in the afterglow for a minute or so before Dean speaks.

"I just realised that we don't having anything to clean up this mess." he says, his words coming out slower than usual. Castiel chuckles. Dean turns his head, his nose bumping into Castiel's cheek. "What's so funny?" Castiel shakes his head.

"Nothing. I guess we'll just have to use your shirt then." 

"Why does it have to be my shirt?" Dean says, wrapping the hand that's not covered in come around Castiel and continuing to nose at his cheek. 

"Because _you_ once used my clothes to wipe up after yourself. _And_ you didn't even ask." Castiel says, a teasing smile on his face.

"Fine. Only for you."

"Oh, Dean. How romantic." Castiel says, laughing shamelessly at his own ridiculousness.

"Shut up, nerd."

"Asshole."

Castiel turns his head to meet Dean in a quick kiss. Castiel reciprocates the smile Dean gives him after before slowly pushing himself off of Dean. "Don't you dare get any come on Baby." Dean says, watching after him.

"I'm pretty sure you already have." Castiel says, kneeling on the seat next to Dean as he reaches over for Dean's shirt. Dean huffs.

"Yeah, it wasn't really the most urgent thing on my mind." Dean says, slapping Castiel on the ass and earning himself a death glare. Castiel cleans all of the come and lube off himself as best as he can before giving the shirt to Dean.

They change in silence, Castiel picking out his stuff from Dean's and pulling them on. It's not pleasant. Despite the cold, his skin is hot and sweaty and it's not great when he's trying to pull tight jeans on. Castiel sighs when he's finally finished, leaning up against the window. Dean finishes soon after, buttoning up his flannel shirt and throwing the stained tee into the backseat. 

"So...I guess it's time I take you back." Dean says. Castiel frowns. He doesn't want to go back. He wants to stay here with Dean. But he's tired and sticky and it's probably the smarter option. So he nods.

"I guess it is."

"Alright. Let's get going then." Dean says, shuffling through his keys to find the right one before starting up the car. Castiel takes one last look at the view through the front windscreen and knows that he wouldn't mind coming back to see it again.

The drive back to campus is, once again, filled with loud music and Dean singing off key at the top of his lungs. He's told that Sam thinks it's annoying. But Castiel doesn't mind. He kind of likes it.

"Would you...like to come in this time?" Castiel asks, hesitantly as they pull to a stop in front of Castiel's building. 

"Sorry, Cas. I would but I've got early morning practice and I wouldn't want to wake you." Dean says, and he looks sincere. I wouldn't mind, Castiel thinks. And it's true but he doesn't have the courage to say it.

"Maybe another time." Castiel says, trying to keep the disappointment out of his voice. Dean clears his throat.

"Yeah, well. I'm - ah - super busy tomorrow but what about the night after that? I could come around, you know, grab some takeout and we could eat in bed, watch Netflix. Shit like that." Dean says, rubbing the back of his neck and looking slightly embarrassed. Or he could be looking fine and Castiel's eyes are just playing tricks on him. Castiel, however, couldn't really care less after he process what Dean has just said. It's exactly what he was thinking about this morning. A dream come true.

"Yes! I mean, yes, I am free and I would definitely...um, I would like to do those things." Castiel finishes awkwardly, looking down at his hands. So fucking embarrassing.

"Good. I'll text you about it later, then." Dean replies, but Castiel is barely listening. 

"Yes, I'll see you later, Dean." he rushes out, stepping out of the car and starting the walk to his dorm. He feels like he wants to jump off the walls. He's never been so excited for someone to sit in bed with him and watch stupid tv shows and movies with him. He's about halfway to his building when he realises he's forgotten something. Castiel turns to see the Impala still sitting there, Dean watching him curiously through the window. 

Castiel shoves his hands in his pockets, not knowing what to do with them as he walks back to the car. Dean's window is already down by the time he gets there. 

"Forget something?" Dean says, with a grin.

"Sorry." Castiel mumbles, before leaning inside the window to plant his lips on Dean's. It's small and it doesn't last long but Dean smiles at him after they pull away and it's perfect.

"Forgiven."

"Goodnight, Dean." Castiel says, leaning back up straight again.

"Night, Cas."

Castiel has the best sleep he's had in a while. The only way he could've possibly slept better was if Dean Winchester was wrapped around him. 

***

Once the time hits five in the evening, Castiel's too excited for Dean coming over tonight to read anymore. Not that it matters. He read all day yesterday and pretty much all day up until this point, so it's not like he didn't get anything done. He puts his new bookmark, which he hasn't been able to stop looking at, inside of his book and shoves it back in his backpack. He thinks about whether he should get some food while he's out but eventually decides on waiting for when Dean comes over.

He's halfway back to his building when he notices a few guys standing around outside the football field. He's about to looks away when one catches his eye. It's Dean. Dean stares at him as he continues to walk across the grass and Castiel's too caught up in his gaze that he doesn't notice Alastair and his gang coming up behind him.

Castiel nearly falls forward with how much force Alastair puts into swinging an arm around his shoulders. "Castiel, how you doing cocksu - _oh my god_ , he's got his fucking glasses on! I haven't seen these in ages!" Alastair exclaims, pulling them right off of his face. 

"Hey!" Castiel yells, trying to grab them back but Alastair throws them over to Brady who thankfully catches them without breaking them. "Hey, give them back, dickhead!" 

"Gee, calm down, fag. We're just having a little fun." Alastair sneers. Castiel runs at Brady just as Bartholomew shoves him from the side. Castiel hits the ground hard, his backpack not doing much to soften the fall. He rolls onto his hands and knees, laughs and insults being thrown out around him.

Castiel looks up to find hope. He sees Dean looking at him, his jaw clenched. No one else seems to notice. Then again, no one else ever does. But Dean is looking at him. He's going to come over. He's going to get them all to fuck off. He's going to sweep Castiel into his arms and tell him it's going to be okay. He's going to save him.

Dean looks away. 

Tears sting the corner of his eyes. Castiel's head drops. Just like that his heart shatters into a million pieces and the falling shards pierce his insides until the pain is all he can feel. Castiel's hands curl into fists in the dirt. He doesn't deserve this.

He stands and runs as fast as he can, throwing himself at Alastair and tackling him to the ground. His victory is sweet but it doesn't last long. Castiel's dragged off of him by the other two an instant after Castiel took Alastair down. He doesn't even feel the ache from where his body has hit the ground. 

"You little shit. You're gonna fucking pay for this." Alastair spits, kicking him in the side and throwing his glasses at him before the three of them walk away. 

Castiel lies in the grass for a while, waiting until the three of them are far enough away before he sits up and grabs his glasses. Somehow they're still intact. Only a scratch on the side. Castiel stares at them. He hates them. He hates his fucking glasses. He hates the way they make him look ugly. And he hates fucking Dean Winchester for making him think that they don't. 

The tears fall silently. Castiel digs his case out of his bag and carefully places them inside, before shrugging his bag back onto his shoulders. He stands up, brushing himself off when he sees Dean again. 

He looks away. Again. Castiel clenches his jaw so hard that his teeth scrape together. He starts to walk, fierce, determined and in the direction of Dean. Dean's eyes widen when he looks back at Castiel, getting closer by the second. 

But Castiel doesn't care. He doesn't care that Dean's friends are there. He just walks straight past them, swings back and punches Dean right in the face. Dean's head snaps to the side and he's so shocked that he barely reacts other than to bring a hand up to his face.

Hands are on Castiel instantly, pulling him away or holding him back and shouts erupt around him but he can't hear anything. All he can hear and all he can see is Dean fucking Winchester. Dean touches his lips with one finger and a drop of blood smears onto it. Castiel doesn't even feel satisfaction. Everything hurts too much for him to feel anything but the ache in his chest. 

"Don't you _ever_ fucking come to me again. I won't let you fucking use me anymore!" Castiel spits, his voice firm and betraying the way he's crumbling inside. Dean doesn't look away this time and Castiel waits. Waits for something. Anything.

Dean doesn't say anything. Castiel shoves away the arms that are still grabbing him and rips his backpack off his shoulders to dig into it. When his hand finds cold metal, he pulls it out and throws the necklace at Dean's chest. 

Dean catches it, looking down to see what it is before looking back up at Castiel, an unreadable expression in his eyes. "It's yours. I don't fucking want it." Castiel's voice finally breaks and with that he turns and walks away.

"What the fuck was that?" He hears someone say behind him. Castiel breaks into a run so he doesn't have to listen to Dean bullshit his way through a lie. People turn their heads as he runs past and into his building but he doesn't notice them. 

Castiel fumbles with his key, his hand stinging as he takes five tries before the door opens. He slams it shut behind him and throws his bag on the floor. Castiel goes straight for the photo frame sitting on his desk. He turns it over, picking at the metal bits before pulling out the back and throwing at across the room. Castiel grabs the photo and holds it up to his face.

Happy. Fucking happy. How could he possibly think that this would last? How could he possibly think, in even the most secretive corners of his mind, that Dean Winchester was maybe falling in love with him? Dean Winchester doesn't love him. He doesn't give a fucking shit about him. Would rather watch Castiel get beaten into the ground than to stand up for him. 

He wants to tear the photo up. He wants to so badly. But something's stopping him. And he hates it. Because he's _still_ in love with him. After everything, he's still in love with him. He's still in love with what they had. What they were starting to have. And he can't let go. So he walks over to his trashcan and throws it in, knowing at the back of his mind that he can always grab it back out.

With that thought in mind, a sob punches out from Castiel's chest and then as if a wall has come crashing down inside of him, everything just spills over. He falls to his knees, his head in his hands and lets it all out. 

Outside there isn't a cloud in the sky and yet the world still crashes down around him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Thank you guys for the amazing response to this fic. It looks like I will be continuing past 12 chapters to around about 20! This week was sort of worse lol but I was able to find more time to write so yay! 
> 
> Let me guy know what you think in the comments! Love y'all and can't wait to post the next chapter!


	11. Chapter 11

"What the fuck was that?" Michael hisses. Dean clutches the necklace tight in his left hand, the metal piercing into his skin. But he can't feel it. Everything is numb. He watches as Cas breaks into a run, sprinting across the grass and disappearing out of sight. He ignores the looks he's getting from Michael, Benny and Victor and turns to start walking towards his car. His friends call out behind him but he doesn't respond. He's never hated himself so much. And that says a lot, considering the amount of times he's hated himself. Dean walks over to the passenger door of his car and stares at it. Stares at his reflection. His reflection stares back. Broken. Empty. Worthless. 

He aims for his own face, his fist hitting the glass only hard enough for it to crack. It's not enough. He hits it again and again and again, watching as the glass turns red. There's a hand on his shoulder but he shoves it away. He can feel the faint stinging of his knuckles but he pushes the feeling down and keeps going, his fist becoming bloodier and bloodier. By the time he's finished, the window is nearly cracked completely. 

Dean looks down at his hand. There's glass shards buried in his skin and blood streams down onto the dirt. He can already feel it bruising. He deserves this. He deserves his head to be smashed into the glass. He wishes someone would do it for him. Dean stares back at the glass. It's not enough. He feels his throat starts to constrict. He can't breathe. He's losing Cas and he can't breathe. 

" _Dean_. You need to calm down, okay, brother? Just tell us what's going on?" Benny's voice comes from behind him. His mind is spinning and only when he raises hand to his face does he realise that he's crying. His face is wet and more tears keep silently slipping down while Dean feels panic bubble in his chest. 

The three of them look concerned when he turns to face them. He doesn't deserve their concern. Dean looks down and his eyes meet metal. Someone rips open his chest. No, not someone. He did that. All by himself. Just like he fucks up everything. Everything good he's ever had. Gone. His breaths start to come faster.

Dean collapses down onto the ground, his back leaning up against the car. He grabs the necklace from where he'd dropped it and wipes the dirt off the pendant. His eyesight goes blurry, the tears overwhelming him. Just breathe. He holds it tight again, like if he does it will make Cas come back. But he doesn't deserve that either. He rests his elbows on his knees and let's his head hang in his hands. Just breathe. The panic seems to erupt into a choked off sob. It's an awful sound and it hurts but he finally starts to breathe again. 

Why can't he be normal? Why does he have to be so fucked up? He could blame parts of it on his childhood. On his father. But most of it was him. His choices. Him choosing to fuck up everything.

"Were you guys together or something?" Dean hears Victor ask and Dean squeezes his eyes shut.

"What? Dean's not going out with Castiel Novak." Michael responds, incredulously.

"Well, how would you know?" Victor replies.

"Because Dean fucking bullied the guy. Has since we were in high school." The silence is deafening and Dean feels the shame crawling all over his skin. Not that Michael ever tried to stop him. Eventually Victor breaks the silence.

"Well, what else would explain what we just saw. Dean. You and Castiel. Were you guys together?"

Fuck. This is everything that he is afraid of. If he tells them, the news will only spread and then everyone will know and once everyone knows, _he_ could easily find out. Dean opens his mouth to deny it when he becomes aware of the chain dangling in front of his face. He stops. If he does this, he's throwing away Cas. Plain and simple. If Cas was ever to give him another chance, he'd have to do this. 

Tell them. His chest pulls tight and it feels like he's being crushed. _Just say it_. His throat closes up. Fuck, what is wrong with him? _Just say the fucking words._  

"Something like that." Dean's voice wobbles but he doesn't let himself break. That's it. He did it. He doesn't know whether to feel relieved or scared. All he knows is that he needs to calm down. Dean fishes his phone out of his pocket and types in his password. His hands are shaking as he swipes across to the least crowded page and stares at the home screen.

It's the first picture he took of Cas laughing. He's beautiful. He's the most beautiful person Dean's ever seen. He takes a few deep breaths and somehow manages to smile. It's a broken smile but it's the best he's going to get at the moment. Dean doesn't even try to hide the picture when Benny sits down beside him.

"You really like this kid, don't you?" Benny asks, and Dean just nods ever so slightly. Everything's falling apart. And it's all his fault. It's always his fault.

"Yeah, I do." he breathes out. "But I fucked up. Like always." 

Benny sighs. "Look, Dean. I'm not going to ask what happened. You probably don't really want to tell us what's going on and that's okay. But what I do know is that you need to go home and clean yourself up. Get that hand looked at because you've hurt it pretty bad and you'll probably need stitches, got it? If I see you running around with a busted up hand, I'll drag you to a hospital myself."

Dean nods but knows that he's not going to do that.  He doesn't care about the state of his hand right now. Hell, he doesn't care if he fucking bleeds out. All he cares about is Cas and telling him he's sorry. The logical part of him knows that Cas will probably never take him back but he can't just sit here and do nothing.

Dean closes his eyes at the realisation. That might've been the last time that Cas ever speaks to him. Dean's not sure if he could live without Cas. Now that he's had a taste of what his life could have been like, he doesn't want to go back to the sad, miserable way he was living. But he has to try. He has to let Cas know how much he wishes he could change what he's done. He has to let Cas know how much he means to him.

Dean pushes himself up to his feet. He doesn't even look at his friends. He just circles around to the other side of the car and opens the door. Dean hesitates. He's already said it now. He might as well let it go. "Can you do me a favour?" Dean asks, towards no one in particular. His voice is wrecked and when he looks up he sees all three of them nod, concern written all over there features. "Don't keep it a secret. Me and Cas. It's been that way for too long." he says, and for now he doesn't care about what it could mean. Cas needs this. 

With that, he hops into his car, shoves the necklace into his pocket and begins to pull out of the parking lot, blood still trickling down his hand and tainting his skin red.

It doesn't take long before he's outside of Cas' building. It's starting to get darker outside. Dean finally takes his time in pulling the shards of glass out of his hand. The numbness has started to fade and he's starting to now feel the immense pain his hand is in, and the slight ache of his jaw. A few pieces of glass cut him quite deep, the blood flowing from them only starting to settle now. 

Once he's finished, he pulls a rag from the glove box and wraps it around his hand. It'll have to do. Dean steps out of the car, shoving his hands in his pockets as he begins to walk up to the building. He can see a few people looking the direction of his car's bloody window but Dean doesn't care. He just puts his head down and keeps going.

The familiar hallway has his heart aching for something he never thought he'd lose. Dean doesn't know how he could've possibly thought that. He only has to look at himself in the mirror to know what a fuck up he is. Dean stares at the door at the end of the hall, his feet getting heavier with each step. When he finally he reaches it, he's not sure what to do. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Cas doesn't want him here. Cas probably doesn't want to ever see him again.

Dean rests his forehead against the door. He can feels the tears starting to well up again. Dean closes his eyes.

"Cas." The single syllable falls from his lips like a plea. "I know you don't want me here. But I need to tell you - I need to tell you that I'm sorry." Dean swallows down his emotions. This isn't working. What could he possibly say to make up for what he did? For what he's done? "And I know that doesn't mean shit. But I fucked - I fucked up." His voices cracks, and he can't stop the tears from falling again. "And I - I need to see you. I need to - please, just let me see you." Let me hold you, let me kiss you, let me tell you I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you. Let me tell you I - 

"If I could go back...I'd choose you, I swear. Over everything. But I can't. So I'll do anything. Anything to make it up to you." Even if you don't want to see me after that. He's a coward. He can't even say it out loud. Because he wants to be with Cas again. He wants to have the beautiful boy in his arms. Dean's starting to feel faint. He sinks to his knees slowly, his head still leaning against the door. "Just tell me what to do."

He cries. 

Dean tries to stay quiet but it's hard when it feels like someone's ripping open his heart. Again, it's not someone. He did this. It's his fault. Always his fault. He only wishes they'd spent more time together before this. Then at least he'd have more memories to cling on to.

"I just want to see your smile again. I want to make you happy." Dean breathes out, quieter than before. He's so very tired. His head hurts. And he's starting to think that his hand may be broken. But it's nothing compared to the ache in his chest. There's no sound coming from behind the door. It's not enough, Dean thinks. This isn't enough. Tell him the truth. It's the only thing you have left to give.

Dean opens his mouth but nothing comes out. His throat is clogged up with tears and no sound is coming out. He can't do it. He can't say it. Dean grits his teeth. Why can't he do this? Why is it so hard? Just say it. Do it for him. 

The three words never make it past his lips.

***

Castiel's curled up in bed, staring blankly at the wall when he hears heavy footsteps approaching his door. He's not even angry anymore. He's just tired. His body hurts from being thrown around and he just wants to sleep.

"Cas." Dean's voice is muffled slightly but Castiel can still hear him. Why did he have to come? Castiel told him not to come back. "I know you don't want me here. But I need to tell you - I need to tell you that I'm sorry." He's tired of this. Of Dean hurting him. Of Dean saying he'll make it up to him. And he does. For a little while but it always comes crashing down in the end. Just when Castiel thought they were in the clear.

Maybe he should just say something. Tell Dean to leave. Castiel pushes his covers back and stands. "And I know that doesn't mean shit. But I fucked - I fucked up." Castiel walks over to the door and leans himself against it. Just tell him to leave. Tell him to leave and never come back. Castiel doesn't say anything. He just rests his head against the door and listens. "And I - I need to see you. I need to - please, just let me see you."

Castiel closes his eyes. Oh how he wishes he could just let Dean in, let him apologise and hold him until he falls asleep. He wishes it was that simple. How is it possible to hate someone and love them at the same time? Maybe it will fade. Somehow Castiel doesn't think that the loves he feels will fall away that quickly. "If I could go back..." If only Castiel could go back to that party all those weeks ago and walk straight out of that room as soon as Dean walked in.

"I'd choose you, I swear. Over everything. But I can't. So I'll do anything. Anything to make it up to you." Castiel tries but he doesn't believe him. Why now? Why is he suddenly caring about Castiel? He never cared about him before. 

"Just tell me what to do." Dean's voice is broken and suddenly - no. Castiel's not hearing that right. He's not -

Dean's crying. 

Castiel's chest squeezes tight and tears well up behind his eyes. Dean's crying. Why is he crying? He doesn't really care about Castiel. If he did, he would've stood up for him. He would've saved him. So why can Castiel hear broken sobs and whimpers on the other side of the door?

"I just want to see your smile again." Castiel bites his lower lips to keep himself from making any noise. "I want to make you happy." Silent tears fall. _I want you to make me happy, too,_ Castiel thinks. He feels like he doesn't know anything anymore. Every time he thinks he has the answer to something, a minute later it's proven that he doesn't know anything at all.

It's only after Castiel's stopped crying himself that he realises he can't hear anything. Castiel presses his ear to the door. Nothing. Dean's gone. Castiel takes a deep breath and trudges back over to his bed. He slips himself under the covers and pulls them up to his chin as if it will protect him from the cruelty of the world.

It doesn't. All it does is remind him of what it felt like to have Dean wrapped around him.

***

Once Castiel wakes up, he knows there is no way he's going to fall back asleep. The sun is only just starting to rise but it will have to do. He can't stay cooped up in here any longer with only his thoughts to eat him alive. Castiel hops out of bed, fumbling around for his running gear and pulling it on. Castiel sighs. Today is going to be a long day.

Castiel opens the door and immediately trips over something on the way out, nearly falling onto the floor. Castiel swears, turning to see Dean sprawled across the front of his door. His back is up against the wall and his head is lolled to the side. His eyes are closed. He's sleeping. Has he been there all night? Surely someone would have seen him? Castiel takes a step forward to take a closer look. 

Dean's face is crusty and slightly pale. There's a bruise on his jaw and his lip is split. Castiel hates the sight. He's never hit anyone before. He's never _hurt_ anyone like this before. Maybe it's because of his own experiences. But yesterday...yesterday he was too blind with rage. He was tired of being treated like dirt. Like he didn't matter. And now here Dean is, sleeping outside his door like maybe he does matter. Like maybe he does care. But how can he care about Castiel and leave him to get beaten into the ground? How is that justifiable?

Castiel shakes his head. Just when he's thinking about what to do, his eyes catches onto something. Dean's right hand has half fallen out of his pocket. His skin is stained red and mottled with bluish purple bruising. Panic rises in Castiel's chest. He squats down and gently grabs Dean's hand by the wrist and pulls it all the way out of his pocket. The bloody rag that's wrapped around the top of his hand gets caught on Dean's jacket and falls off. Castiel's breath hitches. He's faced with the deep ragged cuts in between Dean's knuckles. There's no fresh blood pouring out of it but it's clear from the staining of his hand, the rag and his jacket that there was a lot of blood.

"Fuck. _Fuck, fuck._ " What has he done now? "Dean." Castiel says, shaking his shoulder. "Dean, wake up." Dean stirs but his eyes don't open. Castiel takes a deep breath. "Okay. Okay. Everything's going to be okay."

Castiel shoves the bloody rag all the way into Dean's pocket, stands up and pushes his door wide open. He bends down and angles his hands awkwardly to try and hook them under Dean's armpits. Castiel counts to three before dragging Dean into his room. Dean's deadweight is a lot heavier than he would've thought but he manages to get him all the way inside. He's laying Dean's head lightly down onto the floor when Dean stirs again.

"Hmm. Cas? What are you doing?" Dean says, groggily looking up at Castiel. Castiel quickly closes and locks the door behind him.

"What do you mean, what am I doing? Look at your hand, Dean! There's fucking blood everywhere! Why aren't you at a hospital?" Castiel shouts, only noticing now how panicked he is. Dean seems to finally realise where he is because he immediately tries to stand up. 

"Fuck, Cas. Why are you - you should've left me out there. I don't deserve you worrying about my fucking hand after what I did. Just let me..." Dean starts, just before he starts to leans sideways. Castiel rushes forward, placing one hand on his chest and one on his arm. 

"Dean, you need to - _fine_ , if you're not going to go to a hospital then I'll clean it up myself." Castiel says, pulling Dean towards the bathroom. "Sit down." Dean practically collapses down onto the toilet seat when Castiel lets go of him. Castiel heads back out into his bedroom to find his backpack, still sitting where it was when Castiel had thrown it onto the ground yesterday. He reaches in and pulls out his glasses case, opening them and putting them on before going back into the bathroom. 

He bends down, opens the small cupboard under the sink and grabs the stuff he needs. A clean hand towel and a bandage. It's the best he can do. All the while he can feel Dean's eyes on him. Castiel closes the cupboard, wets the cloth and sits himself down crosslegged in front of Dean, placing the bandage beside him. Castiel grabs Dean's hand and pulls it in front of him. 

"Cas, I - "

"Don't talk unless I ask you to." Castiel replies, starting to scrub gently at the blood staining his wrist. Dean closes his mouth. Castiel carries on in silence, Dean's gaze still heavy on him. 

"Why do you have all this stuff?" Dean asks, and Castiel huffs out a laugh. 

"I don't know, Dean. Weren't you watching yesterday?" Castiel retorts. Dean's jaw twitches but he stays silent. "Also I said don't talk." Castiel casts his eyes back down to Dean's hand. Once he's washed around the areas that don't have gaping wounds or bruising, he takes a closer look to make sure there's nothing inside the cuts before beginning to rinse them out. Dean hisses when he starts on the first one. 

Castiel looks up and it's clear that he's in a lot of pain. "How did this happen?" Castiel asks, trying to wash the cuts as gently as he can. 

"Punched one of the windows on my car." Dean says, as though it's an everyday thing that people do. 

"Why would you do that?" Castiel asks, and part of him is curious but the other part of him is angry at Dean for doing something so reckless.

"I was angry." Dean says. Castiel swallows.

"Why were you angry?" A beat.

"Because I hurt you." Castiel doesn't meet Dean's eyes. He focuses on the wounds in front of him and pushes down the emotions starting to rise in his chest. "But it's good though." Dean continues, breaking the silence. "Hurts like a bitch and I'm not so sure something isn't broken. And I deserve that, so."

Castiel clenches his jaw. "No, you don't." As much as he hates Dean right now, he doesn't deserve the physical pain he must be in. He can't imagine how much it must hurt.

"Yes, I do. And you know what else I deserve? A few more punches to the face." Castiel grips Dean's hand tighter. "I'm serious. C'mon, hit me again."

"I don't want to hit you."

"Yes, you do."

"No, _I don't_."

"Yes, you do."

Castiel snaps, throwing the cloth at Dean's chest and pushing himself to his feet. " _There_. Is that what you want?" Castiel says, his voice raised before walking out of the bathroom. Castiel sits down on his bed, his head in his hands and lets out a shaky breath. Why did Dean have to sleep outside instead of going to a hospital? And how could he possibly think that Castiel would just leave him out there all bloodied up and hurt like that? He just wants to be left alone. He wants to go back to what his life was before he decided to kiss Dean back. Why does everything have to hurt so much?

Castiel hears Dean walking out of the bathroom and feels the bed dip down to his left. A slight scraping sound has Castiel lifting his head. Dean's lifted the photo frame up from where it was lying face down on his bedside table. The picture's not there, of course. And Dean obviously saw that due to the back not being there either. But he still lifts it up to a standing position and stares at it as though the picture's still there. His face is blank. When he turns to look at Castiel, though, Castiel can see that his eyes are filled with sadness. 

"Sorry." he mutters, placing the frame back to facing down on the desk. Castiel doesn't say anything, he just puts his head backs in his hands counts his breath. He can't do this.

"Why didn't you help me?" Castiel asks, his voice cracks and a small sob falls from his lips. Dean hesitates. 

"Because I was scared." Dean says, his voice so soft that it's nearly a whisper. Castiel feels his chest starting to constrict.

"Scared of what? Of being seen with me?" Castiel says, raising his voice. 

"No, Cas. It's not about you, I swear." Dean says, his good hand coming up to brush a thumb over Castiel's cheek. Castiel shoves it away. 

"Then what is it about?"

"Cas - "

"Just tell me!" Castiel shouts. It seems like a thousand different emotions flick through Dean's eyes all at once but Castiel can't make out any of them. After a few moments of nothing, Dean looks away.

"I can't, Cas - I - I can't tell you." Castiel only just holds down the emotions that threaten to spill.

"Right." he breathes out. Because that's just it, isn't it? There is no other reason. Why wouldn't Dean be able to tell him? Because it is about him. Dean's ashamed of him. 

Castiel stands up. "I'm going to finish cleaning your hand and then you're going to leave." he says, not waiting for an answer before turning and walking back into the bathroom. He picks up the bloody cloth and rinses it out while Dean walks in behind him and slumps back down on the toilet seat. Castiel rinses out the last cut, his hands soft and gentle before he begins to bandage it up. 

Dean's gaze never leaves him and it's starting to make the weight in his chest grow. "Stop looking at me like that." Castiel says, winding the bandage round.

"Like what?" _Like you give a fuck about me._ Castiel's eyes sting.

"I don't fucking know. Just stop." Castiel spits, tears finally slipping out again and rolling down his face. His hands start to tremble.

"I can do it, Cas." Dean says, trying to pull his hand away.  

"No, just let me finish this." Castiel says, his voice clogged with tears as he bandages the last of Dean's hand. "You need to go see a doctor and get stitches, okay?" Castiel secures the bandage before wiping the tears away from his face.

"What about you?" Dean asks.

"What about me?" Castiel responds, just as Dean's good hand wraps around one of his own. It has a bruise of it's own from punching Dean in the face.

"Are you okay?" More tears spill. How could Dean possibly ask that question? Of course he's not fucking okay. He has bruises everywhere, all over his body from where he was kicked and thrown into the ground. Not that he can even feel them over the pain in his chest. Castiel stands up.

"You need to leave." Castiel says, before grabbing Dean by his jacket and pulling him out into his bedroom.

"Please, Cas, just - " 

"You need to leave. Now." Castiel says, opening the door and shoving Dean through it. Castiel attempts to close the door but Dean quickly pushes back against it.

"I can't leave, Cas. Please, I need you." Dean says, and even though his eyes are glistening, Castiel doesn't believe him.

"No, you don't." he whispers and Dean's face falls. He lets go of the door and steps back. Castiel doesn't take a second look, missing the tears that fall down Dean's face. He just focuses on closing the door and locking it behind him. 

Castiel's hands don't stop trembling until he falls back to sleep, exhaustion taking him over.

***

Castiel was excited for Anna and Gabe to be coming back from their holidays but after everything that's happened he's not excited at all. All he knows is that he needs to tell them what's happened. He wants to tell them. Because he needs someone to understand him. To hold him and tell him that everything's going to be okay. Because he's not so sure that it will be.

After he woke up from falling asleep again, one look in the mirror had him nearly bursting into tears again. The bruises on his sides and stomach were even bigger than he thought they would be and ached without him even having to touch them. The same went for the one on his hand. He's lucky he didn't split the skin. Other than that, he just genuinely looked horrible. Like he hadn't slept in three days. The only thing he could really do was take a nice warm shower and hope it woke him up a little bit.

It worked for the most part. Anna and Gabe had been too happy to see him to notice at first, embracing him in big hugs that made him grimace and try not to cry out in pain. When they'd all sat down on the grass, they finally asked and Castiel knew that this was it. He should tell them. But the words got stuck in his throat and he lied, saying he didn't sleep very well the night before.

Now he tries his hardest to listen to what Gabe's saying about the places he went to but his mind keeps wandering, focusing on building up the courage to tell them. He doesn't even notice that Anna is speaking to him until she taps him on the arm. 

"Cas? You in there buddy?" she asks, looking slightly concerned. 

"Sorry. What were you saying?" Castiel says, shaking his head. 

"We were just asking how your holidays were. Get up to anything exciting around this boring ass campus?" Gabe asks, leaning back on his hands. Castiel hesitates. Why is it so hard for him to just tell them? Deep breath.

"I actually have - "

"Oh, great. What does this douchebag want?" Anna says, cutting him off and looking over Castiel's shoulder. Anxiety rises in his throat. No, not Alastair. He doesn't need this now. 

"Hey! What are you doing here, dickhead?" Gabe says, just as someone kneels down beside Castiel. Castiel turns. _Fuck_. 

"Dean? You can't - "

"I know you don't want to see me, Cas, but please, just give me one more chance." Dean says, and Castiel notices that the bandaging on Dean's hand has changed. 

"I've already given you a thousand chances." Castiel says, and Dean starts to look panicked.

"What the fuck is going on?" Anna asks, bewildered at the scene in front of her. Dean ignores her. 

"Please, Cas. I'll do anything. I swear. Anything you want." Dean starts rambling, his hands coming up to grasp either side of Castiel's face. Castiel tries to look away but Dean holds him still. "I won't fuck up again. I won't." Dean leans forward to rest his forehead on Castiel's. "You're everything to me." 

Castiel closes his eyes and the tears flood back again. "You're lying." he whispers, his hands curl into fists to try and keep himself from breaking. 

"No, I'm not, Cas. I promise. I promise I'm not lying. You mean so much to me. And I know I should've said this before but I - I'm saying it now. _Please_." Dean says, his thumbs brushing away the tears that fall. Castiel can vaguely hear Anna and Gabe exchanging words but he can't focus on what they're saying. Castiel shakes his head.

"You can't just say this to me now. After everything you've done. I don't believe you. And even if I did, it's not enough." Castiel says, the cracks in his heart splitting further open.

"I know it's not enough. I know that. But if you give me one more chance, I swear I'll do anything. I'll never hurt you ever again." Dean's breath is warm against Castiel's skin. It's so familiar and yet it feels like it's burning him.

"You're hurting me now." Dean whimpers, his hands falling from Castiel's face to clutch at his sweater. Dean looks down and Castiel can see tears rolling down his chin. 

"I don't know what to do. Please tell me what to do." Dean's voice is broken and Castiel wishes he never had to hear him like this. It's too painful. 

"Leave me alone." Castiel says, and part of him breaks inside. Because part of him doesn't want Dean to leave. Part of him wants Dean to stay. Part of him wants Dean to be the one to hold him and tell him everything's going to be okay. 

"No, Cas. Please, I can't do that. I can't do that." Dean says, finally looking back up. The pain in his eyes is real. Castiel doesn't understand. He doesn't think he'll ever understand.

"Why not?" Castiel stares at him and Dean stares right back.

"Because I - because I - _fuck!"_ And in an instant Dean's up and walking away. Castiel doesn't watch after him. He just drops his head into his hands and cries. It's not long before two pairs of arms are wrapped around him, holding him close, and assurances are being whispered in his ear. Was he going to say it? Maybe he was, but he didn't. Dean doesn't love him. Castiel cries harder. He doesn't deserve the pain he feels.

He's not sure how long he cries for, all he knows is that Gabe and Anna are still there when he finally calms down. "Shh, shh. It's okay, Cas. It's gonna be okay." Anna whispers. The last of the tears spills down his cheeks, brushed away by gentle thumbs, similar, but not the same. Castiel closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing. In. Out. In. Out.

"That's it, Cas. It's going to be okay." she continues, her words soft. Calming. When Castiel's breathing has returned to normal he opens his eyes and stares out into the distance, not focusing on anything in particular. 

"I guess I should probably tell you what that was all about." Castiel says, running a hand through his hair and letting out one more deep breath. 

"You don't have to if you don't want to, Cas. We don't want to make you upset again." Gabe says, as Anna nods on the other side of Castiel.

"I want to." And so he does. He tells them everything. He tells them about the party. How they had sex for the first time. Both of them are just as shocked as each other. But they don't say anything, they just listen. He tells them about how Dean kept coming to see him and Castiel kept letting him step past his door. He tells them about the next party Castiel went to. And how he found Dean there with someone else. He tells them about how they fought after and how Castiel called him out on all the shit he'd done. He doesn't have to look to know that Anna and Gabe are surprised when he tells them about how Dean took him down to stay with his family for Christmas. He remembers feeling the same way. Such a different Dean from the one they're all so used to.

He tells them about how Dean was so nice to him. How he made Castiel feel special. How he took Castiel on a what he can only describe as a date. Castiel even apologises to Anna for going ice skating with Dean first. She just gives him a sad smile and tells him that he's forgiven. He tells them about the presents Dean got him and begins to choke up when he realises that one of them's in the trash and the other he doesn't even have anymore. He waits a moment, letting himself just breathe before continuing.

He tells them about their most recent adventure - now maybe their last. And finally he tells them about Alastair and how Dean didn't save him. He can barely keep it together through that part. It makes him feel so worthless. And that's why he's still so confused. Because if Dean's so ashamed to be seen with Castiel then why does he keep coming back to him? _You're everything to me._ Bullshit. Yesterday showed how Castiel clearly means nothing to Dean.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." Castiel says, looking down at the grass. He feels so embarrassed. How could he possibly think that Dean Winchester could love him? Even after all of those signs along the way, Castiel still gave him more chances. And _still_ that small part of him, the part that stills loves Dean, that aches for his gentle touches, wants to give him another chance. But Castiel won't do that. Not this time. He'd only cause himself more pain.

"Don't be sorry, Cas. We don't care about that. We care about _you_." Anna says, hugging him into her side.

"Yeah, we've got you back. And we'll make sure that pigheaded asshole never comes near you again." Gabe says, and Castiel gives him a small smile. At least there will always be two people who love him. 

"Fuck yeah! The next time he tries to talk to you I'll break both his legs!"

"Okay, Anna, maybe calm it down a little."

"It's an expression, Gabe. I'm not actually going to break both his legs...I'll just break one of them."

"Okay, that sounds a lot more reasonable."

Castiel can't help but smile again. "Thank you for being here for me." 

"We'll never turn our back on family." Anna says, and Castiel feels like crying again. 

"How about we go back to my dorm, get your mind off of everything. We can all curl up under the covers and watch some shitty movie on Netflix." Gabe says, and Castiel feels a pang in his chest. It's what he and Dean were supposed to be doing last night. Castiel nods anyway. 

"Okay, let's go, then." Anna says. They both help him off the ground and walk side by side to Gabe's dorm. The weight of carrying their secret for so long is gone but the heaviness in his heart only grows with each step he takes. 

***

After much convincing, Anna and Gabe let Castiel walk back to his dorm by himself. Castiel had a good time, despite the fact that throughout half of it his mind couldn't help but drift back to Dean. By the end of the third movie though, Castiel was tired and decided it was time for him to head back. His mental exhaustion had him collapsing onto the bed as soon as he'd stripped down to his boxers and pulled on his grey shirt. Soon after he was fast asleep.

A rustle at the door has his eyes flicking open. Castiel blinks into the dark, the only light coming from where it seeps under his door from the hallway. He checks his alarm clock to see it's just past eleven pm.

"Cas, are you in there?" Dean's voice makes Castiel's heart sink. "If you are, please open the door. Just one last time, I swear." Castiel doesn't respond. But he can't help pealing the covers back and quietly stepping over to the door. The next time Dean speaks, it's softer, not meant for Castiel to hear.

"Fucking piece of shit. Fucking -  _stupid_ fuck up. Fuck up everything you touch. Can't have anything good, can't - " Dean's voice starts to tremble. Castiel's hands ache to touch Dean. To hold him. Castiel pushes the feeling away.

He hears something knock against the door and the handle turns downwards slightly and Castiel starts to panic. But it doesn't go down all the way. The handle pops back up and as soon as it does, Castiel hears heavy footsteps fading away. 

Castiel starts to count to sixty because surely Dean doesn't take more than a minute to walk down the hall. At forty, Castiel can't wait any longer. He turns the handle and opens the door, just as he sees something fall to the floor. Castiel quickly looks down the hall. No one in sight. He looks down to see what has fallen and something tightens inside his chest.

It's the necklace. Castiel bends down and picks it up from the ground. His thumb catches onto something rough on the back of the pendant. Castiel flips it over to see words carved into the back. 

_I'm yours._

Castiel swallows. He doesn't know what to think. Maybe he's talking about the necklace. Saying that the necklace is Castiel's. He runs a shaky hand through his hair. Castiel doesn't want to face it but he knows that he's wrong. That Dean isn't talking about the necklace.

He rubs his thumb over the words. They're messy and the depth of the scratches are uneven, as if Dean took time in between each letter. Castiel holds it to his head and takes a deep breath. And when he tells himself everything's going to be okay, he's lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> If anyone is interested I thought I'd link you guys to the songs I listen to when I'm thinking of this fic! If you guys listen to them - let me know what you think!
> 
> [Always - Blink 182](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvtJVku_mJw) (this one especially)  
> [The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack - Liars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwhiXr7Xr_Y) (this is just what I listen to when the fic gets sad lol but it's really lovely)
> 
> Anyways, let me know what you think of the chapter in the comments! Love you guys! <3


	12. Chapter 12

Half an hour later and Castiel is still rolling around in his bed, unable to fall back asleep. He curses Dean for coming at such an ungodly hour and waking him up. He couldn't have waited until the morning? Castiel turns on his side and stares at the necklace lying on his bedside table, right next to the empty photo frame. He still hasn't bothered to clean it up, the back of the frame still flung across the room somewhere. 

Castiel sighs. He's not going to do this. He needs to clear his mind or else he'll be lying here until the sun comes up. Castiel pushes himself up and off of the bed and steps over to where he discarded his running clothes after his failed attempt this morning. He hastily pulls on his long sleeve thermal, his beanie and grabs his longer running shorts from his drawer before pulling them on as well. It's probably not the best idea to be running around campus in the freezing cold at eleven thirty at night but he couldn't care less by this point.

After he's tied up his shoes and shoved his phone in his pocket, he opens the door and heads out into the hallway. 

Castiel's running as soon as he gets out of his building, not waiting for the cold to catch up to him. He follows the path that's lit up, his feet hitting the ground in time with his breaths. He can still feel his thoughts trying to push their way into the forefront of his mind. He's not going fast enough. He pumps his legs faster and feels awake for the first time in the last twenty four hours. 

The wind rushes in his face like a caress but after a mile or so of wrapping around the deserted campus he starts to feel the pain from his side and stomach. Castiel grits his teeth and keeps running. He follows the path around to the football stadium, his eyes training on the ground twenty metres ahead of him when something catches his eye. 

He comes to a stop when he sees the black Impala parked near the football stadium, someone sitting on the hood, a bottle in his hand. It's barely illuminated by the streetlights but Castiel doesn't have to look any closer to know it's Dean. Castiel stands frozen on the path, not knowing what to do. He watches as Dean looks up at the sky, taking a swig from the bottle he's holding. Castiel should go. Dean turns his head and spots him.

Too late. 

Castiel takes off, back in the direction he came just as hears Dean jumping off the car behind him.

"Cas!" Dean yells, the sound of another pair of feet catching up behind him. Castiel closes his eyes. He's tired. His sides ache. And he just wants Dean to leave him alone. But Dean's too fast. "Wait, please." A hand grabs at his shoulder from behind him and stops Castiel in his tracks. Castiel shoves it off harshly and turns to stare Dean in the face.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Castiel says, throwing his arms out wide. 

"Please, Cas. I will, I swear. Just let me talk to you this one last time." Dean says, his breath fogging up in front of him. Castiel shakes his head.

"What is there to say?" Castiel can feel all the emotions coming back, everything he was trying to run away from. Apparently he just can't catch a break.

"I want to tell you the truth." Dean says, and he looks the same as Castiel. Tired. 

"What are you talking about?" Dean opens his mouth and hesitates for a second. He steps forward, his hands raised as though he's going to touch Castiel. Castiel steps back and Dean's hand drop. He swallows.

"I'm not ashamed of you." he starts and Castiel looks away, his eyes already starting to tear up.

"I don't believe you." Castiel whispers. This time he doesn't step backward when Dean steps forward. Dean ducks his head to catch Castiel's eyes.

"I'm not, Cas, I promise. How could I be ashamed of you?" Dean says, and he actually looks and sounds sincere. Castiel doesn't understand. How can this be the truth?

"Then why didn't you save me?" 

"Because I was scared."

"Scared of what?" Castiel says, and Dean's the one to look away this time.

A few moments pass before he finally speaks. "It was the first time I saw you.” Castiel furrows his eyebrows and is about to respond when Dean continues, his voice quieter than usual. “I was walking up to the school on my first day and there you were. You were sitting on the grass, you hair was a mess. You had your glasses on and you were reading a book. You didn’t even notice me. But you were so fucking beautiful that I didn't care.” Castiel stares at his feet and feels his chest starting to constrict. He doesn’t understand. Dean has to be lying.

“If you're telling the truth, Dean, then why did you ever hurt me?” When Dean doesn’t respond Castiel looks up to see him staring at his bandaged hand. He looks vulnerable. His eyes a shining with what looks like tears. “Dean?”

"He found out." Dean whispers, his head down. "My father." Castiel swallows. He suddenly doesn't want to hear the rest of this story. Dean reaches out with his bandaged hand and curls it into the hem of Castiel's shirt. "He's never hit me so many times before." Dean's voice cracks. Before. _Before_. Castiel’s eyes sting. His hands itch to reach out, to pull him close and tell him they're going to be okay. His hands stay by his side. 

"I'm so sorry, Dean." He doesn't know what to say. Dean just shakes his head.

"Don't be sorry. I'm the one that should be sorry." Dean says, his eyes finally meeting Castiel's. All Castiel can see is guilt. 

"What happened wasn't your fault - "

"But what happened after was." Dean says, determination replacing the guilt that was once there. "I didn't want to feel like it was my fault. I needed someone to blame." Castiel's eyes are starting to blur. Because it's true. That was still Dean's choice.

"Why are you telling me this now?" Castiel says, his voice starting to shake. Dean takes a deep breath and glances upwards towards the starry sky.

"So that maybe you'll finally believe it's not you who I'm ashamed of." Dean's good hand comes up slowly and caresses the side of Castiel's face. Castiel doesn't have the strength to bat it away. Dean leans forward, their foreheads resting together. "Because I could never be ashamed of you. You're the most beautiful person I've ever seen." Castiel closes his eyes and pushes himself away. He can't do this. The hurt in Dean's eyes only makes him want to run away.

Dean nods, running a hand through his hair before pulling a little piece of paper out of his pocket. He pushes it towards Castiel. "It's for you." Castiel reaches forward with cold fingers and takes it from his hand. 

"What is it?" Castiel says, voice quiet as he unfolds the crumpled up paper.

"It's my address." Castiel's head flies up. Dean swallows. "If you ever want to give me one more chance - "

"Dean - "

"Cas, just hear me out. Please." Dean says, his eyes begging and Castiel nods. Dean takes a deep breath before speaking again. "If you give me one more chance, I will do everything you ask. I mean it. And if I do anything to hurt you, _anything_ , I will leave and I will never come back." The ache in Castiel's chest grows. It's all too much. 

"Give me one reason why you deserve another chance." Castiel's voice trembles and when he looks at Dean, there's nothing but a broken smile on his face. Dean's eyes flick all over Castiel's face as though he's trying to take it all in. As if this will be the last time they'll see each other.

"I don't." Dean says. Castiel looks away. "And I could plead and beg and sleep outside your door everyday from now but I can see that it's only hurting you. And I don't want that." Castiel presses his lips together in a thin line and squeezes his eyes shut. He wants to go back. He wants to go back to when he was okay. But he can't even remember when that was.

"Can I just," Dean's voice is soft and Castiel opens his eyes when he feels Dean's fingers under his chin, lifting it up so that their eyes meet. "I just want to see your eyes one last time." Castiel's tears finally spill over. Dean breathes out a deep shuddering breath and his fingers fall away. "I'm still hurting you. Maybe you should just throw the address away." 

Dean turns to leave and Castiel doesn't even hesitate. " _Dean_." Castiel pleads, grabbing him by the shoulder and pulling him back. One look into Dean's eyes shows there's no hope. No hope that Castiel will take him back. He just looks sad. 

Castiel drops his hand and with that, he watches as Dean walks towards his car, grabs the bottle from the hood, gets inside and drives away.

Castiel doesn't feel anything except for the cold.

*** 

When Castiel gets back to his dorm he doesn't think. He sheds his clothes until he's down to nothing but his boxers. He doesn't think when he grabs his book from his bag and places the necklace inside of it. He doesn't think when he tucks the piece of paper with Dean's address on it inside his bedside drawer. And he definitely doesn't think when he walks over to his trash bin and pulls the poorly printed photo out of it. He doesn't even look at it. He just grabs the back of the frame from where it's been flung across the room and puts it back together. Once everything is done, he holds the frame up and stares at the photo.

Happy. Castiel places the frame face down and rolls over on his bed. It feels like forever ago. 

Castiel falls asleep to thoughts of Dean bloody and broken on the floor. 

*** 

The 30th passes slowly but it passes nonetheless and suddenly it's the 31st and the year is coming to an end. But Castiel doesn't feel any different. Just more of the same. Tired. Sad. Empty. Repeat. But Anna and Gabriel are taking him out tonight to celebrate. So he has to put on a smile and at least try to look like he's excited. He feels kind of bad. Usually he enjoys spending time with them but right now everything just seems like it's too much effort. 

Castiel runs his hand through his damp hair and looks into the mirror. There are bags under his eyes and all in all he looks miserable. The only thing that's been going well is that his bruises are fading. A few days and they'll be gone. Castiel's lifting up his top layers to have a peek at the ones on his stomach when he hears someone fiddling with the lock at the door. Castiel sighs and lets his layers fall back down.

A second later and Anna and Gabriel are pushing their way into his bedroom. "Cassie! You ready to go party the year away?" Gabe says, looking around until he sees Castiel emerge from the bathroom.

"As always." Castiel says, with a smile as he sits down on his bed to pull his socks and shoes on. He doesn't notice Anna walk over to his bedside table, Gabe following behind her.

"What's this?" Anna asks, and Castiel looks up to see her picking up the photo frame. Castiel feels his cheeks heat up. 

"It's, uh - " Castiel looks down towards his shoes. "Dean gave it to me for Christmas." He's cried so many times in the past few days that he doesn't even feel emotional bringing Dean up.  He just feels embarrassed. 

"Dean got you this? For Christmas?" Anna asks, not even trying to hide the surprise. If anything, Castiel feels a little flutter of warmth. He remembers how he felt.

"Yeah, he did." Castiel says, finishing tying up his shoes.  

"When was it taken?" Gabe asks, flicking his eyes back and forth between Castiel and the photo. 

"Christmas Eve. It was when we were ice skating." Anna and Gabe stare at him. "What?" Castiel says, pulling his eyebrows together. Anna shakes her head.

"Nothing. You're just such a romantic." she says, a small smile on her lips. 

"Actually, it was Dean who wanted to take the picture." Castiel says, standing up and coming face to face with another two surprised faces. Castiel sighs, stepping over to take the frame from Anna's hands and placing it back down. "Aren't we supposed to be going somewhere?"

"Oh, of course. God, Cas. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be prying." Anna says, taking a step back.

"Anna, honestly, it's fine. I just want to get out of here." Castiel replies, and he's being honest. Although he doesn't particularly want to talk about it, it actually feels better being able to share his time with Dean with his friends. Another weight off of his chest. 

"As you wish." Gabe says, and Castiel lets out a breath of relief when he leaves his dorm, Anna and Gabe by his side.

***

Anna's apartment isn't anything special. But the view most certainly is. It stares right across the river and is one of the best views for the fireworks shooting off the bridge. They sit out on the balcony watching as the eight o'clock fireworks take off, children sitting on their parent's shoulders marvelling at the sky lighting up in the parks below them. Gabe and Anna have a beer while Castiel's hands remain empty. They chat about the most random things and somehow Castiel's mind only finds it's way to Dean a few times. Maybe it will be a good night, he thinks. 

He's in luck. The next few hours are even better. They eat takeout and dessert and Castiel laughs as he watches Anna and Gabe get more and more drunk by the minute. He's all but forgotten about Dean when Anna claims Gabe cheated in Twister and whacks him in the balls. 

"I don't want to be dramatic but I think I'm dying."

"No, you're just a sore loser!"

"I'm sore! Not a loser!"

Eventually, Castiel has to intervene and drag them out to the balcony in time for the midnight fireworks. 

"Three, two, one! Happy New Year!" they scream into the night before giving each other big smooches on the cheek. Once they all settle down, Castiel finally gets a good look up at the sky without the fireworks lighting it up.

His smile fades as he thinks that Dean would like the view. 

The next hour is spent cleaning up after themselves, although there's not much to do, putting Anna to bed and dragging Gabe back to his dorm. When Castiel is finally burying himself under his covers it's two o'clock in the morning. He's fast asleep before he has time to wonder what Dean was doing on New Year's.

***

Class starts up again on the 3rd and Castiel is excited for the distraction. However, once he's in his first class he finds his mind easily wandering. The last few days he's been overthinking everything. It's exhausting but he can't help it. The piece of paper with Dean's address on it is still tucked away in his bedside drawer. He's taken it out a few times to stare at it and once he actually looked up where it was. 

Most of the time, though, he just lies on his bed and stares at the blank, white ceiling and hopes that it will give him answers. Like if Dean's father had never abused him, would Dean have started bullying Castiel? Probably not. Dean said he liked him, so why would he start bullying him? But then, after Dean's father abused him, as Dean said himself, he made the choice to start hurting Castiel. He could've just left Castiel alone and tried to avoid him.

He also knows now that the real reason why Dean is afraid of being in public with Castiel is because he doesn't want his father to find out. Castiel's never felt so conflicted. He tries to put himself in Dean's shoes. Because his family may have abused him but none of them have ever laid a hand on him. If he was Dean and had a father that physically abused him and would be especially mad if he found out Dean was gay - well, bisexual - Castiel would be scared shitless. 

But then it comes back to the start. Dean never had to start hurting him. He could've just never interacted with Castiel at all and moved on with his life instead of making Castiel's miserable. 

It's not the only thing on his mind though. There are other things that Castiel doesn't understand. Things that Dean has done or said that don't make sense. Things that Dean has lied about. Castiel wants answers to those as well. And when Dean said he'd do everything Castiel asks, does that mean he would not keep their relationship a secret? Because Castiel doesn't want to keep hiding behind closed doors or be taken to another city to go ice skating just so no one recognises them there. 

All in all, though, it always comes back to whether or not Dean deserves another chance. Castiel can't deny all of the bad things he's done but he also can't help but remember all the good things he's done. All the nice things he's said. Maybe Castiel should listen to his head instead of his heart but it's harder than he thought it would be. Dean made him feel special. Made him feel loved in a way that he's never felt before. 

Castiel doesn't even realise the lecture's over until the students around him are standing up. Castiel shakes his head. He really needs to come to some sort of decision or else he'll be thinking about this non-stop for weeks.

***

Castiel's walking back to his dorm from lunch when he hears shouts from the football field. He doesn't even hesitate in heading towards it. When he reaches the fence, he looks out to see if he can find Dean. He frowns when he doesn't. Just as he's about to turn away he thinks he hear's his name being called. He turns to find another familiar face all dressed up in football gear running towards him. 

"Michael?" Castiel says, incredulously. Because why the fuck is Michael willingly coming over to him?

"Castiel." he starts, as he reaches Castiel by the fence. "Hey, sorry. I just came over to talk to you for a sec."

Castiel looks around, his eyebrows pulled together. "About what?"

"The other day when you, you know, punched Dean in the face..." Great. This is going to be Michael spewing some bullshit about how he should sleep with one eye open because of what he did. "He told us, kind of vaguely, about you and him." Castiel stares at Michael.

"Me and him?" Castiel says, his mind racing at the prospect that Dean told his friends about...

"Yeah, like you and him together. As a couple or whatever." Michael says, starting to look unsure as to whether what he's saying is right or not. Castiel's eyes widen.

"Dean told you about us? He said that we were together?" Castiel asks, his heart beating faster. 

"Yeah...am I wrong or something because you look kind of shocked." 

"No, you're not wrong. Well, we were never really together, we were just - to put it simply, yes, technically we were together." Castiel mumbles out, leaving it at that. 

"Okay..." Michael looks nearly as confused as Castiel feels at the moment. Because Dean has already told his friends about them. Meaning that -

"Did he ask you to keep it a secret?" Castiel asks, suddenly becoming very impatient.

"No, he actually told us to tell other people. Did you not want us to do that?" Oh fuck. Dean let the secret out. 

"No - I mean, yes, that's good. I just - have you seen him lately?" Maybe he's not thinking this through. But he's been thinking about it all week. And Dean did this even with the fear of his father finding out. He did it for Castiel. That has to be it. But why didn't he tell him that?

"Actually, no I haven't. He hasn't been to training lately. I mean, he can't play at the moment because of his hand but usually we show up to training anyway so that we can keep up with what the team's been doing." Michael says, and Castiel's heart sinks a little. 

"What about on New Year's? He wasn't at a party with you or anything like that?" Michael shakes his head.

"He was supposed to be but I didn't see him." Fuck. What if his father found out? What if Dean's in trouble? You're overreacting, Castiel thinks. He's probably fine. Just holed up in his apartment. 

"Okay, thank you." Castiel says, turning to walk away.

" _Wait._ " Castiel turns. What could he possibly want now? "I know it doesn't really count for anything and it's kinda dickish to only be saying this after I found out you and Dean were a thing but I'm sorry I never stood up for you."

Castiel stares again. "Right. Thank you. I - uh - need to go." Castiel says, feeling more and more awkward by the second.

"Okay. I'll see you around, then. Hopefully you and Dean figure out whatever's going on between you." Michael says, before turning and running back to his team mates where calls to 'get your lazy ass back over here' are coming from.

Castiel takes a deep breath and starts walking back to his dorm. And on his walk, he thinks and thinks and thinks. It's not everything. Dean can never just erase how he started hurting Castiel in the first place. But it's something. He's facing his fear of being attacked by his father to try and start making it up to Castiel. Even when he doesn't even know if Castiel will take him back. He still went out of his way to make sure people knew about them. Which means that if there was ever a time that Dean saw Alastair bullying Castiel again, he wouldn't have anything holding him back from stepping in. 

Castiel internally groans. Why is this all so hard? If only Dean could have been a complete and utter dick and bullied him in the first place because he was a _complete and utter dick_ who was doing it for his own fun. But then again, Dean never had to start, even after he was abused. There's always a but. And it makes Castiel want to scream. 

Why couldn't Dean have just remained being a dick towards Castiel when they started this fucked up relationship? He was in the beginning but then he had to go and treat Castiel like he was the most beautiful person in the world and make him feel things that no other person has ever made him feel. He made Castiel fall in love with him. And maybe that part of Castiel is the reason he's still hanging on. Because Dean does have a good side. A beautiful side of him that cares deeply for Castiel. Castiel's seen it. He's felt it in the way Dean holds him like he never wants to let go. Or the way he looks at him when he doesn't think Castiel's looking. Or even when Castiel is looking. 

And now Dean has taken away that barrier that constantly stops him from delivering through on his good side. Maybe Dean can...

Castiel shakes his head. He shouldn't get his hopes up but what Dean has done means so much more to him than it might to others. And screw him, but Castiel wants this. He wants Dean to treat him like he's the most beautiful thing in the world. He wants Dean to do everything he asks. He wants Dean to be with him. Because he loves that part of Dean. And that part of Dean, Castiel hopes, loves him too. 

But he knows that it’s not going to be that simple. He has to be rational. Because telling everyone doesn’t just push aside what Dean’s done. Castiel stills aches inside every time he thinks about it. But maybe it means that Dean was telling the truth. That he would do anything. That he would try his hardest to never hurt Castiel again. 

That's Castiel's fear. Dean hurting him again. He hadn't really thought about it. Fuck, this is too much. 

Castiel spends the rest of his walk to his dorm thinking about what he's going to do this afternoon. He needs to catch up on what he missed in that lecture for starters. When he finally gets to his dorm he decides he'll stop thinking about Dean for today. He'll sleep on it and start again tomorrow. 

***

The next day, the sun comes up and Castiel follows his heart all the way to the corner of Chester Street.

*** 

Castiel stands outside Dean's apartment building for nearly twenty minutes building up the courage to go see him. It only took him about fifteen minutes to get there but his mind never stopped for a second to take a breather. He wasn't going to turn around but he did have his doubts about whether this was a good idea or not. He knows that if he told Anna or Gabriel what he was doing they would drag him straight back to his dorm and tell him he's being an idiot. But they don't understand. Castiel doesn't even fucking understand. But him being here - that doesn't mean Dean can just jump straight back into his life. It just means he could be given another chance to make it up. To do it right this time now that everything's on the table.

With that thought, Castiel makes his way up to the third floor. The building is old and not very lively, although Castiel would actually prefer the peace and quiet. He triple checks to make sure he's standing in front of the right door when he gets there before shoving the piece of paper into his pocket. He stares at the door as though he can drill holes into it.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. _You can do this._

Castiel raises his hand and knocks three times on the door. "Oh, fuck." Castiel mumbles to himself, shoving his hands back in his pockets. Deep breath in. Deep breath - Castiel hears the click of a lock and the door opens. 

"What's - Cas?" There's too many things to take in all at once. Dean's bruise on his jaw is starting to fade and is now replaced with a little bit of scruff. He has bags under his eyes and his hair is all over the place. Looking down shows his hand has another new bandage and Castiel can see tiny little stitches poking out from underneath it. He's wearing a loose pair of sweatpants, bare feet and...he's wearing the shirt Castiel bought him for Christmas. Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

"What are you doing here?" Dean asks, looking more surprised than Castiel would have thought. 

"Can I come in?" Castiel asks, gesturing towards the door. 

"Fuck, sorry. Yeah, come in." Dean says, clearing his throat as he steps out of the way for Castiel. Castiel finds himself in a small hallway and he barely takes another step forward before Dean's cutting across him. "Just wait here for a sec." Castiel's jaw clenches as Dean walks off down the hall. Perfect. Dean's hiding something from him. The thought of Dean having someone over right after what's just happened has rage running through his veins. Castiel doesn't care. He walks straight after Dean into the open area and what seems to be the living room. But there's no one else there. In front of him is only Dean, fumbling with nearly a dozen bottles of alcohol that are sitting on a coffee table. 

Dean must hear him enter because he immediately looks up. Castiel meets his eye only for a second before Dean is looking back down. He rubs the back of his neck and Castiel can see his cheeks starting to redden. Dean clears his throat again, breaking the silence. "You can - uh - sit down if you want. I'll just put these away." Dean says, continuing to pick up the bottles.

Castiel hesitates for a moment but eventually finds his way over to the couch and takes a seat on one of the far ends. He watches as Dean awkwardly tries to carry all the bottles out of the living room into his pass through kitchen. Castiel sees him dump them all in the sink before returning to the living room again. So this is what Dean's been doing, Castiel thinks. Once he's back he silently takes a seat on the other end of the couch. The silence goes on for a few moments before Castiel speaks.

"You're- uh - wearing the shirt I gave you." Castiel says, not knowing how to start. Dean looks down at it, avoiding Castiel's eyes.

"Yeah, well, it reminds me of you, so." he responds, quietly. More silence. "What brings you here?" Castiel picks at a thread on his sweater. I want to give you another chance, he immediately thinks. Castiel shrugs.

"I don't know. I guess I want more answers." 

Dean nods. "Yeah, of course. Where do you want to start?" 

"How about here? Why did you lie to me about Sam living here? Because he told me he lived in Kansas." Castiel doesn't even understand why he believed it in the first place. He guesses he didn't really think about it but if Sam still went to school in Kansas then he would have had to catch a bus or a train for hours to get to and from school. 

Dean fiddles with the bandage on his hand as Castiel waits. Castiel's about to open his mouth again when Dean starts. "I wanted to keep you separate from my life." Castiel bites his lip. 

"Because of your father?" Castiel asks. Dean doesn't look him in the eye.

"Yep." Castiel nods.

"Was it just me? Like, you still bring other girls around here but just not me?" 

"Yep." Castiel tries his hardest to not feel angry. He tries.

"So, I can't waltz in on your life but you can just waltz into mine whenever you want? What if I wanted to keep my life separate?" Dean shrugs. Castiel runs a hand through his hair and lets out a big breath. "Why didn't you just tell me the real reason why I couldn't come here?" Castiel asks, and Dean finally looks up.

"Because I'm ashamed of it, okay? You see anyone else running around telling everyone they're in the closet because their father beat them up when he found out?" Castiel looks away.

"I'm sorry, Dean. I just - I mean, _I'm_ gay. I get beat up by Alastair every other week and my family isn't exactly accepting. I would've understood if you just told me." Castiel says, his anger melting away. 

"I know, it's my fault. I shouldn't have expected you -  I never thought it would go this far. I thought we would just fool around for a little bit and then you'd get sick of me. But then you didn't, so I got scared and went and cheated on you with some random girl so that maybe you'd get the message to back off." Castiel hadn't even thought of that. He honestly believed that Dean just didn't think they were a thing. 

"Yeah, well you got rid of me, so why did you come back?" Castiel asks, remembering back not too long ago to when Dean asked if he wanted to come and spend Christmas with Dean's family.

"Because I _got rid of you_  and then I realised that I didn't _want_ to get rid of you because I liked you too much." Dean says, like it's the simplest thing in the world. Castiel rests his elbows on his knees and lets his head drop into his hands. If only this was simple. 

"Does that mean that you wanted to be more than what we were?" Castiel asks, not really understanding how Dean's mind works. 

"Yeah, I did." Dean responds, sounding just as frustrated as Castiel. The only thing is Castiel can't really tell who Dean is more frustrated with. Castiel shakes his head.

"How was that supposed to work out?" Castiel says, turning his head to meet Dean's eyes. Dean's eyebrows pull together. "I mean, if we did end up being more than," Castiel waves his hand vaguely in between them, "you know, would you have told anyone?"

Dean lets out a deep breath. "I don't - I don't know." Dean pauses. "Probably not." Castiel nods, sitting up straight and taking a look around the room. It's nice. Neat. Castiel sighs. 

"Then what changed?" Castiel looks over to see Dean already staring at him. 

"What do you mean?"

"You told your friends about us. And then told them to tell other people. At least that's what I heard." Castiel says, and Dean looks taken aback.

"How'd you find out about that?" 

"Your friend, Michael, told me." Dean swallows.

"What else did he tell you?" Castiel squints. 

"Nothing much. Why?" Dean seems slightly relieved, but Castiel can't be too sure.

"He was just there when it happened. And when I," Dean raises his bandaged hand, "did this."

"I gathered." Castiel says, earning him another confused look from Dean.

"You didn't see him there?" 

"No, I didn't really notice anyone else. I was too focused on, you know..." 

"Right. Yeah." Dean says, his fingers beginning to tap away on his leg. Castiel looks around again, taking in the apartment. He finds himself thinking that he wouldn't mind spending time here. It's much roomier than his own dorm.

"I - " Castiel starts but cuts himself off. _I want to give you another chance. I want you to make it up to me. I want you to treat me right. I want you to make me feel special._  Castiel clears his throat. "I see you got your hand fixed up." Castiel says instead, pointing towards Dean's hand. Dean looks down at it and picks at the bandage again.

"Yeah, I did. Doctor said I was lucky to not have broken something or sever anything important. Had to get some stitches though. He said they'd take about three weeks to heal." 

"That's good." 

"Yeah."

A few moments of quiet pass. Castiel closes his eyes. "Dean, all those things you said the other day - or night or whatever - like that you would do anything or when you said I meant..." _You mean everything to me._ "a lot to you - did you mean it?" Castiel mumbles out, peeking up towards Dean under his eyelashes.

"I won't ever lie to you again, Cas. All it does is hurt you and I hate that. So, yeah, I meant it. Every word. And I know I can never take back what I've done. I'll never have a real excuse for ever hurting you in the first place. Because what happened to me fucked me up but I didn't have to take it out and you, I know that." Dean says, and Castiel can tell he means it. There's so much emotion in his voice and he can see that Dean is trying his hardest now. "But I've given up my secret because I would rather be beaten the shit out of and have you instead of being safe and not having you at all."

Dean's words hit him like a freight train. He never really thought about it properly. Fuck. He was so caught up in what it meant that he didn't actually think about it _actually_ happening. "Don't say that." Castiel says, shaking his head.

"It's true, Cas." Castiel stands up and a moment later Dean is next to him.

"I want to give you this, Dean, but if this is going to make things worse then I don't want to - I don't want you to get hurt." 

"I deserve it anyway." 

"No, you don't. You think I'd be happy to come and visit you and find you bleeding all over the floor?" Castiel asks, raising his voice.

"Cas, I'm just trying to show you how serious I am about this. And it doesn't matter anyway. The secret's already out. And you had nothing to do with it. It was my choice."

Castiel bites his lip and feels his eyes starting to tear up. "I just don't want you to get hurt." Castiel says again, this time a whisper, and Dean for some reason has a small smile on his face. Maybe it's because Castiel should want to see him hurt after what Dean did to him. But Castiel knows first hand what being beaten up feels like. And if he had it come from his own father. He can't even imagine what that feels like. By the looks of it, Dean has been hurting anyway. Castiel slumps back down on the couch again. Dean sits much closer this time.

"There's a chance he'll never find out. I mean, I haven't seen him in a month." Dean stops for a moment. "I'll figure it out." Dean says, and Castiel doesn't know what's so special about him that Dean would rather get physically abused than not have him.

"No, we'll figure it out." Castiel says, looking up to meet Dean's shining green eyes. 

"You mean, you'll give me..." Castiel nods. "Fuck. Fuck, I'm sorry. Thank you. Fuck, thank you. I swear I'll do it right this time. Treat you the way you deserve. Fuck." Dean rambles, looking away and bringing his good hand up to wipe at his eyes. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Dean. We'll take it slow this time." Castiel says, and he pushes down the urge to take Dean's hand in his own. 

"Yeah, of course. Whatever you want." Dean wipes at his eyes one last time before looking back up. 

"I should probably go. I know there's a lot more to talk about but I have a class soon. I'll text you tomorrow, okay?" Castiel says, and Dean nods.

"Yeah, sure. I'll - ah - take you to the door." They both get up and Dean leads Castiel back into the hallway. Castiel steps out of the apartment and turns to look at Dean.

"Can you do me a favour?" Castiel asks.

"Anything." Castiel smiles at the look of determination in Dean's eyes.

"Pour the rest of that alcohol down the sink." Dean looks away, his hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. 

"Will do." he responds, quietly. 

"Okay, I'll see you later - "

"Cas, wait." Dean says, right before there's a pair of arms curling around his back and he's being pulled in against Dean's chest. Dean buries his head into the crook of Castiel's neck and takes a deep breath. Castiel grips Dean's shirt tightly and squeezes his eyes shut. He never thought he'd miss this so much. He thinks he could stay here forever. 

"I thought I'd lost you." Dean whispers, and Castiel feels wetness on his shoulder. _You nearly did_. 

"You haven't go me just yet." Castiel says, pushing himself away and Dean immediately lets go, wiping at his eyes again.

"Shit, sorry. I know, I just - "

"It's okay." Castiel gives him a small smile and Dean returns it. "Just don't fuck it up." Dean chuckles and Castiel realises how much he missed hearing him laugh. How much he's missed seeing him laugh.

"I'll try not to." 

Castiel walks away satisfied. There's still so much to talk about but somehow having come this far is enough for today. He knows he'll sleep better tonight.

***

The day after, Castiel finds himself walking past the football field. A familiar voice shouting something, apparently very funny, out towards the players on the field has Castiel spotting Dean on the sideline. He stops for a moment, staring out at the laughing figure.

Castiel smiles and walks on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Bumpy roads ahead for Dean and Cas. 
> 
> Let me know what you think of the chapter in the comments! I hope you all have a wonderful week! Love you <3


	13. Chapter 13

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Are you doing anything at lunch?** _

Castiel probably should have told Anna and Gabe about giving Dean another chance by now. But he knows that he's going to get a mouthful about it as soon as he does. So he's decided to put it off.

_**Asshole** _

_**My class goes til 12:30 but after that I'm free.** _

He's also decided to bring Dean to sit with Anna, Gabe and himself at lunch. He knows it's not going to be all that civilised but Castiel doesn't feel like talking to Dean about anything today. He just wants Dean to get used to what he'll most likely be doing if things end up going well between them. And just generally being in each other's company is what they need. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Anna, Gabe and I are having lunch together at 1pm. Would you like to come?** _

Dean responds a minute later.

_**Asshole** _

_**You shouldn't be asking, Cas. You should be telling me. I did say I would do anything for you.** _

The corner of Castiel's lips pull up slightly. He didn't really think about it that way but it's true. Dean did say he'd do anything. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Okay. You're coming to have lunch with me and my friends. I'll meet you outside the football field at 1.** _

_**Asshole**_

_**That's better. I'll be there.** _

Castiel goes to put his phone down when it buzzes again.

_**Asshole** _

_**I'm excited to see you :)** _

Warmth fills Castiel's chest even though he knows Dean's just trying to sugar coat it. Or maybe he's not. Maybe Dean is generally excited to see him. Castiel huffs and puts his phone back down on his desk. Now for phase two. He has to tell Anna and Gabe that he's bringing a visitor to lunch. Castiel goes for the easiest option and sends them a text in their group chat. But he doesn't really want to have to go into detail now. And he's not really sure if Dean wants Castiel to tell them about his father. So he keeps it simple.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I'm giving Dean another chance. Long story, I'll tell you another time. He's coming to lunch with us today. No complaining.** _

Castiel's phone buzzes for the first time three minutes later. After that it buzzes so much that it nearly falls off the desk. Castiel turns his notifications off and doesn't bother checking the messages. He can't deal with this right now. He has an hour and a half before he has to go and meet Dean. So he opens his textbook to the page he's up to and gets to work.

***

By the time Castiel reaches the football field, Dean's already there. He looks more or less the same. Still a bit of a mess but the bags under his eyes look smaller so Castiel will take it as a plus. The bruise on his jaw is only a small dot now, much like Castiel's own and it looks like he's recently shaved. He has a backpack slung over one shoulder and he's talking to someone on the phone. As Castiel gets closer he picks up on what Dean's saying.

"No, I'm fine. I just - I was kind of drunk and - " Dean looks up to see Castiel approaching and gives him a small smile before he puts his head back down. "It doesn't matter, okay. I'm fine now. I gotta go, bye." Dean says, before hanging up. 

"Who was that?" Castiel asks, coming to a stop in front of Dean. 

"Uh, hey. It was just Sam worrying about me." Dean says, shaking his head and shoving his phone in his pocket.

"Why was he worrying about you?" Castiel responds, making Dean look down, a blush creeping up his cheeks.

"I might have, you know, sent him some vague and depressing voicemails." Dean responds, grimacing.Castiel scrunches his eyebrows together.

"Are you going to tell him?" Because that conversation sounded a lot like Sam was trying to figure out what was going on. 

"I am, I swear." Dean says, hurriedly. "I just don't know how to..." he trails off, and Castiel thinks he understands.

"It's okay. We'll talk about it another time. I mean, we could've done it now but I didn't really feel like doing that today." 

"Yeah, 'course. Whatever you want." A few moments of awkward silence pass before Castiel breaks it.

"Shouldn't he be in class?" Castiel asks, and Dean shakes his head.

"Lunch break." 

"Right. Did you want to head over then?" Dean readjusts his bag on his shoulder and looks slightly worried.

"Sure." he says, the uncertainty in his voice loud and clear.

"Is something wrong?" Castiel ducks his head to catch Dean's eye. Dean clears his throat.

"It's nothing. I'm just...kinda nervous, I guess." 

Castiel stares. He's not sure he heard that correctly. "You're nervous about meeting _my_ friends?" Castiel asks, incredulously. 

"Well, I'm assuming you told them everything and if they hated me before they probably want me dead now."

"Probably." Castiel says, nonchalantly. 

"That's not helping. Did you at least tell them I'm coming?" Dean asks, worrying his lower lip. Castiel nods.

"I told them a little over an hour ago and now I have thirteen unread messages and five missed phone calls." Dean runs a hand over his face and takes a deep breath. 

"Well, I deserve whatever they have to throw at me, right? Okay, let's just head over." Dean says, and for a moment it looks as though he's reaching for Castiel's hand but it immediately falls back to his side so Castiel doesn't say anything. And neither of them say anything on the walk over but it's not a long walk so Castiel doesn't mind. Anna and Gabe are sitting on the grass, facing the other way when they approach but Gabe quickly notices and they're both standing up with unhappy looks on their faces. Castiel thinks he sees Dean wondering closer to Castiel's side. 

"What the fuck is this?" Anna says, pointing at Dean before crossing her arms over her chest. Castiel sighs as they come to a stop in front of his friends. He new this was coming.

"You're just going to let him stroll back into your life after everything? What are you doing, Cassie?" Gabe says, his voice raised.

"I'm not just letting him _stroll_ back into my life. I'm just giving him another chance to prove himself, okay?" Castiel asks, keeping his voice calm. He doesn't want to do this today. "It's a long story but I'll tell you later." Castiel sees out of the corner of his eye, Dean shuffle a bit where he stands and look down. 

" _What?_ Cas, are you even listening to yourself?" Anna says, and Castiel closes his eyes for a second.

"Can we please not do this now. I'm having a bad day and I just want to..." Castiel trails off and runs a hand through his hair. When he finally opens his eyes Anna and Gabe don't look any less unhappy but they do look like maybe they'll take what Castiel has said into consideration and leave this until later.

"Fine. But he's not getting off easy." Anna says, before turning around and sitting back down on the grass, Gabe doing the same after her. Castiel doesn't even look at Dean. He knows how awkward he probably feels so instead he just grabs him by the bicep and drags him around to sit opposite Anna and Gabe.

Once they sit, Dean close enough to Castiel that their knees are touching, Castiel breaks the silence. "Are we going to start or just sit here staring at each other all day?"

Anna sighs, digging through her bag to pull out a white box. She opens the lid to reveal three large pastries. "Unfortunately, due to late notice," Anna stares at Castiel, "I didn't have time to get anything for you." Anna moves her stare over to Dean. It's followed by something mumbled under her breath that sounds and awful lot like, "Not that I would've anyway."

Dean doesn't seem to be fazed, though. He just leans back on his hands, his backpack beside him and sits there silently as Anna hands out the pastries. Castiel takes his own, breaks part of it off and turns to Dean. "Would you like some?" Castiel asks, and a small smile creeps onto Dean's face. 

"You can't help it, can you?" Dean finally speaks, a fond look in his eyes.

Castiel pulls his eyebrows together. "Can't help what?" 

"Being nice." Dean responds, turning his head when Anna hums.

"Yeah, interesting, right? I mean opposites do attract." she says, making Gabe snicker.

" _Anna_." Castiel warns.

"No, Cas. She's right." Castiel, along with both Anna and Gabe, flicks his head over at Dean's words. "And if I can't handle your friends speaking the truth about what they think then I don't deserve you." Castiel opens his mouth to speak but Gabe cuts him off.

"The 'I don't deserve you' part - I've never agreed with something more in my entire life." 

Dean rolls his eyes. "Yeah, well, I agree with you too." he says, still not taking the pastry from Castiel's hand. Castiel huffs, looking down.

"I'm not that special you know. I still don't know what you see in me." Castiel says, causing Gabe to inhale a loud gasp and Anna to start yelling.

"Castiel Novak! You take that back right now or I swear to God, I will - "

"Okay, okay, fine. I'm totally special." Castiel says, with a small smile directed towards his friends. When he looks over to Dean, who hasn't said anything, all he sees is a frown. 

"You never answered my question. Did you want any?" Castiel says, waving the pastry in front of Dean's face and snapping him out of his trance.

"Oh, right. No, it's yours. You have it." Dean says, and Castiel tilts his head. 

"When was the last time you ate?" he asks, and Dean furrows his eyebrows. 

"Uh, I don't know. This morning?" 

"What time this morning?" Castiel says, squinting at Dean.

"Like around seven, I guess." Dean answers, with a shrug. Castiel sighs. It's just past one o'clock now.

"Here. Eat it. And after this you need to go and get yourself some real lunch, okay?" Castiel says, shoving the larger part of the pastry at Dean.

"Shouldn't I be the one taking care of you?" Dean says, still not taking it from Castiel's hands.

"No. We'd rather you be a million miles away from Cassie, actually." Gabe says, but Castiel ignores him. 

"I don't need to be taken care of." Castiel says, defensively. 

Dean's eyes turn sad. "Yeah, you do." Castiel bites his lip and notices Dean's gaze travels there.

"Fine. I'll let you take care of me if you let me take care of you." Dean smiles and picks the pastry from Castiel's hands, their fingers brushing against each other.

"Deal. But you won't need to take care of me. I'm usually not like this. I've just been...out of whack the last week." Dean says, staring at the food in front of him. 

"Just eat the stupid pastry before I shove it down your throat." Castiel says, and Dean huffs a laugh but finally takes a bite.

"That pastry didn't deserve you." Gabe hisses and Anna laughs beside him. 

" _Gabriel_. We get it, okay?" Castiel says, eyeing both Anna and Gabe, who has a 'just saying' look on his face, as he tears off parts of the pastry he has left and pops them into his mouth. Dean eats what Castiel gave him in record time before wiping his hands on his jeans and giving Castiel a small smile.

"Thank you." Dean says quietly, and Castiel nods.

"So what happened to your hand?" Anna asks, looking at Dean. Dean looks down at his bandaged hand and Castiel can see in the areas not covered by the bandage that a lot of the bruising around his fingers has gone down. He remembers Dean saying it will takes three weeks to heal and it's already been over one.

"I - ah - punched my car window." Dean says, nonchalantly. Anna doesn't look impressed.

"What sort of idiot would do that?" she says, and Castiel looks to Dean to see him rolls his eyes. 

"This idiot, apparently." he retorts and Anna narrows her eyes. Castiel can tell that Anna and Gabe aren't going to die down anytime soon. Castiel looks around the area, watching as other students go about their day when he sees two people walking towards them, one with what looks like a milkshake in hand.

"Great. Alastair and Bartholomew are coming over." Castiel says, keeping his head down.

"Those fuckers." Anna swears, her eyes turning into steel. "Can't leave you alone for five seconds." Castiel feels something touch his knee and looks to see Dean's hand grabbing onto it, as though Dean's trying to reassure him. When Castiel looks up though, Dean's eyes are trained on Alastair, his jaw clenched.

"So," Alastair's nasally voice breaches Castiel's ears, "what I heard - it is true. Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak." he whistles, and Castiel keeps his eyes on the grass in front of him. So, the news must be out now. Alastair isn't exactly the person he wanted to hear it from but at least he got what he wanted.

"Sure is. Now if you'd like to make your way back to where you came from on dickhead island, that would be great." Gabriel says, but Alastair ignores him and Castiel can see out of the corner of his eye as Alastair takes a long, revolting sip from his milkshake.

"What happened, Dean?" Alastair asks, taking a step closer to Castiel and Dean's hand tightens on his knee. "I thought we were on the same team. Oh wait, I'm guessing you're the one who took our little friend up the ass at that party all those months ago. Because who else would want a piece of this faggot?" Alastair and Bartholomew erupt into laughter and Castiel feels Dean moves beside him. He quickly grabs Dean's arm and holds him there.

Alastair notices. "Oh, so cute. You're actually thinking about standing up for him now that the news is out because don't think I didn't see you last time." Castiel looks to Dean to see that his rage is only just being held down. "Well, it's been fun. See ya later." he finishes, and suddenly Castiel feels cold liquid pouring down all over his head. 

He hears Anna and Gabe shouting as Alastair and Bartholomew run in the opposite direction. Dean's on his feet in a second, chasing after them. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut. " _Dean!_ "

Castiel doesn't know if he hears him or not because the next second Anna's in front of him with a water bottle in her hand. Gabe helps him kneel forward and Anna pours the water over his head washing out the milkshake. They get him up and move him away from the mess before sitting him down again. Castiel's head is dripping wet and he shakes it out the best he can. 

"Shit, Cas." Dean's voice comes as a relief to Castiel's ears. "Let's get you out of this." Dean kneels in front of Castiel, helping him push his jacket off. His sweater underneath has copped some of it as well but it's not as bad, so Castiel leaves it on. "Here, take my jacket." Dean shrugs his own off and hands it over to Castiel, who can already feel himself shivering. 

"Thank you." Castiel mumbles as he pulls the jacket on with the help of Anna and Gabe. It's nice and warm and Castiel immediately pulls it as tight around himself as he can. Dean lets out a big sigh in front of him, making Castiel look up.

"Fuck, this is my fault. I'm sorry." Dean says, sitting cross legged in front of Castiel and putting his head in his hands. Castiel clenches his jaw.

"How is this your fault, Dean?" Castiel asks, making Dean look up.

"Because if I wasn't fucking here then this wouldn't have happened." Dean says, raising his voice. It's a stupid answer. Because if Dean wasn't here, Alastair would've come around anyway. 

"You know, Dean, not everything is your fault, okay?" Castiel retorts, feeling anger rise up in him. Anna and Gabe exchange looks beside him but don't say anything.

"I have to disagree." Dean responds, clearly not believing what Castiel is saying. Maybe it's because of his bad morning or Anna and Gabe. Or maybe it's just because of Alastair and his stupid milkshake but Castiel snaps.

"Just stop it! This isn't your _fucking_ fault." The tension in the air is thick, so Castiel closes his eyes and puts his head in his hands. He just wants to go back to his bed. A few seconds pass before Dean speaks up again. 

"Well, it's my fault that you're angry now." Dean says, his voice softer and layered with guilt. After a little while Castiel looks up to see Dean staring down at the grass. Castiel sighs, getting to his feet.

"I'm going back to my dorm. Go and get yourself something to eat." Castiel says. Dean doesn't respond, just keeps his head down. "Dean?" 

"Yep. I'll get something to eat." he says, finally getting to his feet but not looking at Castiel. Castiel starts to shrug Dean's jacket off when Dean speaks again. "No, you keep it. You can give it back later. Or did I just fuck up my chance and there won't be a later?" When Dean looks up his eyes are watery and Castiel's feels his heart being tugged at. 

"Fuck, Dean, you didn't lose your chance, okay?" Castiel says. Dean nods and looks away to blink a few times before turning back. He takes a small step closer into Castiel's personal space and rests his forehead on Castiel's shoulder. Castiel's eyes flutter closed at the touch. He can't help but melt into Dean, his cheek resting against Dean's hair and his hands coming up to run through it. "You didn't hurt me, Dean. I just - you can't blame yourself for every single thing that goes wrong in my life. You're just hurting yourself more by doing that and that makes me angry."

Dean's fingers curl into Castiel's sweater and pulls him a tiny bit closer. "I'm sorry." Dean mumbles, releasing a deep breath and relaxing into Castiel even more.

"Don't be sorry. Just - go get some lunch. And I know you probably don't feel like it but...do it for me." Castiel says, lifting Dean's head from his shoulder. Dean's smile is small but it's there as he brings his good hand up to cover one of Castiel's own and pulls it down to their sides. 

"I will." Dean says, squeezing his hand tight before letting it go and walking over to where his backpack is sitting on the ground. He slings it over his shoulder before turning and looking over Castiel's shoulder. Castiel looks back to see Anna and Gabe. He'd almost forgotten they were there.

"Thanks for...letting me sit with you, I guess." he says, not waiting for a response and looking towards Castiel. "I'll - ah - you'll text me?" 

Castiel gives him a small smile. "Yeah. I'll text you." Dean nods, running a hand down his face. And with that he's turning and walking away. Castiel lets out a deep breath and turns around to the strange looks on Anna and Gabe's faces.

"I'm gonna go back." Castiel says, pointing vaguely in the direction of his building.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Anna asks, as she picks up the now empty cardboard box and shoves it in her bag. 

"No, it's alright. I just need to take a shower." And curl up under my blankets, Castiel thinks. He kind of wishes Dean would be there with him. But it's still too soon for that.

"Okay." Anna says, warily and one look at both their expressions has Castiel sighing.

"Just say it." he says. Maybe he should just hurry up and get this conversation out of the way. He already knows what they're going to say.

"Look, we're not going to lie to you. It's obvious from what we've just seen that he cares about you and doesn't want to lose his chance but..." Anna trails off, as though looking for the right words. There's always a but.

"But?" Castiel says, and Gabe decides to take over.

"You can't just forget about everything he's done to you." Castiel rolls his eyes.

"I haven't forgotten, okay? I'll _never_ forget it." Castiel responds. He thought this would be easier but he can't help feeling a little insulted by their words. It's as if they don't trust him.

"Then why are you giving him another chance? You haven't exactly told us?" Anna says, and Castiel can tell he's not the only frustrated one.

"Most of what he's done has a reason behind it that isn't just being an asshole for the sake of being an asshole." 

"Okay. And what are those reasons?" Anna asks, and neither of them look as though they believe him. 

"It's personal to Dean and I don't think he really wants me to tell you guys." Castiel knows it doesn't sound great but he's not going to say anything if Dean doesn't want him to. And he hasn't exactly given Castiel permission. 

"Yeah, alright, Cassie. Say we do believe you. Then what about the other times? You said he had reasons for _most_ of what he's done. What about the other things? How could you forgive them?" Gabe says, and Castiel feels like he's getting a headache. 

"I haven't. That's the whole point. This is just a chance not a fucking wedding ring." Castiel retorts. He shouldn't of asked them to say anything. They don't understand. They weren't there when Dean showed Castiel his good side. When Dean looked at Castiel like he'd hung the moon. "Okay, I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to go home and take a stupid shower."

Anna sighs and Gabe nods. "We're sorry, Cas. We just want to make sure you're doing the right thing." Anna says, and Castiel knows it's the truth. He starts to feel vaguely guilty for it. They are just looking out for him. Protecting him like they always have.

"I know. I'll see you guys later." Castiel says, and he receives two mumbled out goodbyes before he's walking off to his dorm building.

He lets out a sigh of relief when he steps under the warm water. He washes his hair three times with shampoo just to make sure nothing that's been anywhere near Alastair's mouth is left behind. The thought of it makes him want to puke. After he's finished he hops out and gets changed into some sweatpants and a shirt. He puts all the clothes he was wearing before into a plastic bag and dumps it near the door. He'll have to take them out to wash this afternoon. He makes sure to smooth out the non-existent creases on Dean's leather jacket before putting it over his desk chair. 

Castiel sighs, sinking down onto his bed when he hears his phone vibrate. He picks it off his bedside table and opens it up to find a message from Dean. No, not a message. It's a photo. Castiel chuckles to himself. It's a photo of a a pretty good looking burger. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**How do I know you didn't just steal this picture from the internet?** _

Castiel finally checks Anna and Gabe's messages from earlier today while he waits for Dean's response. Most of them are just a bunch of question marks and the rest are all in caps lock. Another message comes through just as Castiel's finished reading Anna and Gabe's responses. It's another photo. This time though, it has Dean holding up the burger in front of his face. He's got a goofy grin on his face. It's so different from how he looked not half an hour ago. Maybe he's just putting it on. Castiel saves the picture anyway. Another message comes a second later.

_**Asshole** _

_**Trust me when I say there is no other picture like this on the internet.** _

Castiel huffs. He looks at the turned down photo frame on his bedside table. He grabs it and places it properly upright. Castiel smiles at it. He wouldn't mind having more photos of him and Dean. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I trust you.** _

Castiel spends the rest of the day in his room until the stench of his stained clothes is too much and he has to take them out for a wash.

 ***

The next day was busy for Castiel. He had two classes, one in the morning and one in the late afternoon, and in between those he had a lot of studying to do. He was partially relieved and disappointed. Part of him wanted to spend some more time with Dean, maybe get some of the talks they need to have out of the way. The other part of him, though, thought it was a good time to have a little break. He did say they would take it slow. But it's hard when he already knows what it's like to be in Dean's company. 

Castiel's just come back to his dorm after eating dinner at the college kitchen when he decides to text Dean. He doesn't have any classes on tomorrow, so it might be a good opportunity for him to head back over to Dean's apartment. Maybe this time he can actually get a tour.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**What are you doing tomorrow?** _

Castiel sends off his text before changing into his pyjamas and crashing into his bed. Nearly half an hour of reading later and Castiel's phone vibrates.

_**Asshole** _

_**I'm working up until 11 and I have training at 6. But in between those I don't have anything on.** _

Castiel forgot that Dean worked. He'd only ever mentioned it once. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Can I come over around 12?** _

Castiel doesn't bother putting his phone down. He just watches as the little bubble with the three dots shows up at the bottom of his screen and waits.

_**Asshole** _

_**Of course. I can cook something up for lunch.** _

Castiel smiles. He would love that but he doesn't want to make Dean go out of his way.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I don't want to be a hassle. I can just get something on the way over.** _

Dean responds immediately.

_**Asshole** _

_**It wouldn't be a hassle. I'd love to cook for you :)** _

Castiel's heart swells. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Okay, then. I promise I won't eat anything before I get to your apartment.** _

_**Asshole** _

_**Good. I'll see you tomorrow.** _

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I'll see you tomorrow.** _

Castiel sighs, placing his phone down on his bedside table. He picks the book up off his chest and decides that he should probably try to sleep now. He wants to get up in the morning to go for a run and he's not going to be able to do that if he reads all night. He picks the necklace up off his bed and places it in between the pages. Castiel rubs his thumb over the scratches on the back of the pendant. _I'm yours._

At first Castiel wondered if he really meant it. Now, he's pretty sure he knows whether Dean meant it or not.

*** 

Castiel knocks on Dean's door right on twelve, Dean's leather jacket thrown over his shoulder. He's definitely not as nervous as he was the first time he knocked on Dean's door but he still has a few butterflies flying around in his stomach. Then again, Dean always makes him nervous so it's not surprising. 

The door swings open to reveal Dean looking a bit frazzled. His hair is wet, he's wearing the same sweatpants and batman shirt, which makes Castiel's heart flutter a little, with little wet spots dotted all over. And he doesn't exactly look that thrilled to see Castiel.

"Hey, Cas." Dean gives him a quick smile before stepping aside. "Ah - come in." Castiel steps through the door and turns to face him.

"Is there something wrong? You don't look very excited to see me." Castiel says, hesitantly.

"What? _No_. Of course I'm excited to see you. I'm always excited to see you." Dean's response is rushed and he looks even more worried than before.

"It's okay, Dean. I believe you." Castiel says, and Dean deflates slightly at that.

"I'm sorry. I just - I was let off late at work and I've only just got out of the shower and I haven't even started cooking anything yet and - "

" _Dean_." Castiel says, stopping Dean in his tracks. "It's okay. I'm not the Queen. We can just make it now, can't we?" Dean's shoulders fall at that and his eyes soften. Castiel notices the way Dean's eyes flick down to his lips and back up to his eyes again.

"Right. I'm sorry. Yeah, we can. I just wanted to..." Dean trails off, running a hand through his hair. 

"Wanted to what?" Castiel asks, wondering if this is going where he thinks it's going.

"I kinda wanted to impress you." Dean says, blushing slightly. Castiel smiles. No one's ever tried to impress him before. "Lame, I know."

"It's not lame." Castiel says, a little too quickly. "I like that you want to impress me." Not that you have to try very hard, Castiel thinks. Because Castiel already knows how romantic Dean can be.

Dean perks up at that, a small smile on his face. "Yeah?"'

"Yeah." 

"Is there still time to impress, then?" Dean asks, but he already looks like he knows the answer.

"There's always time to impress." Castiel replies, smiling back. Dean grins.

"Alright, um, you can just throw my jacket over the couch and then follow me." Dean says, before stepping past him and into the kitchen. Castiel quickly walks over to the couch and places Dean's jacket over him before walking back into the kitchen. It isn't very big but somehow it seems to fit everything it needs in the small space. It's clean, much cleaner than the kitchen Castiel uses in his dorm building, with only a few things lined up neatly below the cupboards. Dean immediately starts pulling things out. All Castiel can do as watch as he moves around the kitchen like he belongs here. It shouldn't surprise Castiel because he does know from their little trip to Kansas that Dean is quite the baker. 

"Is gnocchi alright with you? I don't really have anything fancy to make." Dean says, pulling a box out of the cupboard. 

"Dean, I live off oatmeal and bread. I'm not exactly fancy." Castiel says, watching as Dean walks over to the fridge to pull more things out. 

"Really? I should cook for you more often, then. Would you like that?" Dean asks, not quite meeting Castiel's eyes. Castiel feels his chest grow warmer at the thought of Dean cooking for him.

"I would." Castiel pauses as Dean smiles. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asks, as he steps over to where Dean is turning the stove on. 

"Ah, not really. This'll only take fifteen minutes." Dean says, going about making their lunch. "You can just stand there and look beautiful. How does that sound?" Dean grins when Castiel blushes and ducks his head. Dean called him beautiful. And it wasn't while they were having sex, or when Castiel asked him too, or when Dean was trying his hardest to get him back. He just said it in a random conversation about nothing in particular. Castiel doesn't know if he'll ever get used to it.

"I'll try my best." Castiel says, and Dean fixes him with a thoughtful look.

"Trust me. You don't even have to try." Dean says, turning back to the stove. Castiel bites his lip and looks away, willing his blush to go down. He watches Dean do his thing for a few minutes before he speaks. 

"So..." Castiel starts, "you can bake _and_ cook. I've always wanted man who can do that."

"Oh, really?" Dean says, nudging him in the side. 

"Really. And you look like you enjoy it too." Castiel says, watching as Dean swiftly chops up some rosemary and scrapes it into one of the pans. 

Dean shrugs, his face falling slightly. "Yeah, I mean, I've been doing it since I was a kid. You know, making stuff for me and Sam and for my dad whenever he decided to show up." Castiel feels a pang of sadness in his heart. Suddenly Dean huffs. "And then after he found out about my...preferences...he just used it as another thing to put me down. Call me a fag or whatever. I could never win."

Castiel hurts to hear Dean say it. Because he knows what it's like to be called that. "Well, I can't say I know what some of that's like. But I am familiar with that word." Castiel says, and Dean frowns. 

"Yeah, I know. And I've never done anything to shield you from it." Dean says, keeping his eyes on what he's doing in front of him. Castiel clenches his jaw and looks down to where his hands a resting on the bench. It's true. Dean's never done anything. He's not sure if that makes him feel better or worse. But at least Dean's admitting it. Calling himself out rather than waiting for Castiel to bring it up. Castiel pauses his thoughts for a moment. 

"You did something the other day." Castiel says eventually, remembering back to when Alastair and Bartholomew approached them. Dean scoffs.

"Not really. I just sat there and let you take it." Dean responds, and Castiel pulls his eyebrows together.

"No, you didn't. You were going to but I stopped you." Dean just looks more frustrated.

"Well, how am I supposed to stand up for you if you won't let me." Dean says, his hands finally free and gripping onto the bench as he waits for the food to finish cooking. Castiel can see why it's frustrating but he knows that all Dean would've done if he caught Alastair was start a fist fight. 

"I want you to, Dean. I do...I just - I don't want you to get hurt." Castiel says, and Dean's jaw clenches.

"Trust me, Cas. I can take a punch." Dean huffs out, like it's something humorous that he's been hit so many times in his life that now he can take it. Castiel can see right through it. The way Dean's father has brainwashed him into making him feel like he has to put up this tough, bad boy facade. Castiel hates it. 

"Dean, it's not about whether or not you're manly enough to take a punch." Castiel starts, trying to keep his voice calm. "It's about the fact that I care for you and I don't like seeing you hurt." Dean looks away. Castiel remembers back to when he punched Dean in the face. The bruise has faded now but Castiel still hates that he did that. Especially after hearing that he's been physically abused all his life. He doesn't want Dean to think that it's normal for someone who cares about you to hurt you like that.

"It doesn't matter. I never stood up for you before that." Castiel lets out a frustrated breath at the change in topic. It's like he doesn't believe Castiel. "And I can't use the excuse of being scared of my dad finding out. Not really. Because standing up for some kid who's being bullied doesn't mean you're fucking boyfriends with them." But it was more complicated than that, Castiel thinks. Because Dean was already bullying him too and maybe not in the same way but it would've been seen as strange to someone like Alastair or Michael having Dean stand up for him.

"I know, Dean. We've already gone over that some things you don't have excuses for but I've given you another chance and now you can make up for those things. And you've already started." Castiel says, and Dean sighs.

"I guess." Dean says, flicking his eyes over to Castiel for only a moment. Castiel pauses for a moment before speaking again. He might as well bring this up now.

"Have you thought about telling Sam?" Dean lets out a small chuckle, making Castiel tilt his head to one side.

"Oh yeah. I lost sleep over that. I mean, nowhere near as much as I did over you but it still kept me up." Castiel swallows.

"Do you _want_ to tell your family?" Castiel asks, his voice softer. 

"Of course I do." Dean responds, making Castiel let out a deep breath of relief. "I just - what am I supposed to say. Hey, this is the guy I like and oh yeah, he's also the guy I bullied in high school and did a billion other awful things to." Castiel will admit that it's not the easiest situation to explain. Dean looks like he's finished but he opens his mouth again. "And we're not even together. You're just giving me another chance." Castiel bites his lip, looking away. He doesn't want to make this hard for Dean. Especially since he's probably just as nervous about telling them he likes guys too. 

"Well, if it makes it easier, you can just leave that stuff out and just say we're together."

"But I don't want to get off easy. I don't deserve that." Dean says, and Castiel throws his arms out exasperatedly.

"Then tell Sam the whole story and get him to tell the others."

"That's still me getting off easy." Castiel sighs.

"If that's the case, I don't know how to help you." Castiel says, and Dean runs a hand down his face. 

"The - ah - food is pretty much ready. There are bowls in there." Dean says, pointing to one of the cupboards above the bench.

"Right, I'll get them." It seems like their conversation is over. Castiel pulls some bowls out and after two tries, finds some forks while Dean drains the gnocchi and mixes in whatever he had in the other pan. He grabs the bowls from Castiel and silently serves them both. 

Dean guides Castiel over to the bench in front of the space in the wall that looks through to the living room. He seats Castiel first before placing the bowls down and exiting the kitchen to circle around the other side of the bench. Castiel's first bite is the best thing he's had in a long time. Sure, he loves oats but this is a proper meal.

"Do you like it?" Dean asks, clearly watching for his reaction. Castiel hums around his bite and Dean gives him a small smile. Castiel feels some of the tension in the room fall away.

"Yes, this is very nice, Dean. Thank you." Castiel says, smiling back.

"No problem." Dean replies, before digging into his own. Castiel's already mowed through three quarters of his bowl when he speaks again.

"So, where do you work?" Castiel asks, trying to break the last bit of awkwardness hanging over them. He takes another bite and looks up to see Dean already staring at him.

"Ah - at a cafe just outside of the campus with a friend of mine, Benny. He had an emergency this morning and I had to take over for part of his shift. That's why I didn't have lunch ready. Again, sorry about that." Dean says, scraping up the remains of his bowl.

"Don't be sorry. I didn't mind waiting." Castiel responds, making Dean grin.

"Yeah, I didn't mind you standing there and looking beautiful either." Castiel looks down and can't help but blush again. It's ridiculous.

"So, I was good at my job, then?" Castiel says, meeting his eyes.

"Definitely. Was I good at mine?" Dean asks, and Castiel pretends to be thinking about it as he takes the last bite and swallows it down.

"Yeah, it was alright." Dean playfully rolls his eyes and shoots Castiel a fond look. They both fall silent for a second before something comes to Castiel's mind.

"Dean? Can I have a tour of your apartment?" Castiel asks, not bothering in fumbling around the question. Dean's seen his place, why can't Castiel see Dean's? Although, Castiel's dorm isn't exactly tour worthy.

Dean looks a little surprised at first but he chuckles a second after and Castiel smiles.

"Yeah, sure. If that's what you want. I'll just clean these up first." Dean says, attempting to grab Castiel's bowl but Castiel pushes his hands away and reaches for Dean's.

"No, I'll do it. You cooked. And I wouldn't want you to get your bandage wet." Castiel says, picking up the bowls and hopping off his stool. 

"Thanks." Dean replies, and Castiel nods as he makes his way to the sink. Castiel fills it up with hot water and just as he's looking for detergent Dean pops up behind him, bending down and grabbing some from one of the lower cupboards. Castiel feels his cheeks heat up at the thought of the last time Dean was behind him.

"Here." Dean says, pouring some detergent into the water. He grabs a towel to throw over his shoulder and crosses his arms over his chest. "I'll dry." Castiel hasn't really had time to notice lately with his mind being so crowded but he's just noticing now how good Dean looks in the slightly, too tight shirt and sweatpants. It's especially nice looking at his arms crossed over. And with the towel thrown over his shoulder. It's so domestic but it just makes Dean look that tiny bit more attractive. Castiel feels the sudden craving for Dean to push him up against the bench and wrap those strong arms around him. 

Dean clears his throat all of a sudden and Castiel finally realises he's been staring. He also realises that he feels slightly hotter. "Sorry." Castiel mumbles, and Dean looks like he's trying really hard to suppress a smirk. Castiel gets on with it, washing the bowls and forks first and handing them over to Dean. They do so silently, but as the times goes by, Castiel can see Dean getting closer and closer until finally Dean's pressed up against Castiel's side. It's as if he has no personal space at all. But Castiel doesn't mind. 

The pans and utensils used for the cooking are next and soon Dean's wiping down the bench and the kitchen is just as clean as it was when he first walked in.

Dean turns to Castiel with a grin. "Alright. You ready for an all exclusive five second tour?" Castiel huffs out a laugh.

"I'm ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Let me know what you think of the chapter in the comments! They bring me so much joy! I hope your weeks were amazing! Love you all! <3


	14. Chapter 14

"This is the bathroom. Amazing, I know." Dean says, sarcastically as they look into the small tiled room with only a toilet and a sink. Castiel pulls his eyebrows together.

"Where do you shower?" Castiel asks, closing the door once again. 

"In the other bathroom." Dean says, and Castiel tilts his head.

"You have _two_ bathrooms?" Dean nods. "Okay, well, then this is amazing." Dean smiles, shaking his head.

"I believe you've already been acquainted with the living room." he says, as they walk past the kitchen and into the large, open space. Well, it's by no means large compared to other apartments but compared to Castiel's dorm it doesn't exactly look small. 

"We did meet but I never really got to appreciate it." Castiel says, looking over the room. Castiel doesn't really miss having a television but he most definitely misses having something other than his bed or a desk chair to sit on. There are a few DVDs neatly stacked on the television stand and the remotes are sat beside each other on the coffee table but other than that, it's mostly bare.

No half washed cups or bowls lying around. No dirty boxers or shirts randomly flung over the back of the couch or the couch chair. And maybe Castiel leaves his clothes lying on the floor every once in a while but he generally likes his dorm to be clean. And well, Dean seems to have that under control. He likes it. It's something that no one would really guess about bad boy Dean Winchester.

Castiel nods. "I like it. It's cosy." he says, and can't help but think about the two of them wrapped up on the couch together watching some stupid movie on the television. Yeah, he definitely likes it.

"Good. Now onto my favourite room." Dean starts, and if Castiel's going to be honest with himself, Dean's bedroom is the place he's most excited for. "Alright, so this is my bedroom. And yes, there is another bathroom over there with a shower and a bath and whatnot." he finishes, as they push through the door. Castiel stares at Dean's room, which seems to be about three times as big as his own with a double bed right in the middle. Castiel nearly salivates looking at it. And did Dean say he had a bath? 

"Your bed is so big." Castiel says, walking over to it and flopping down on the mattress. Castiel hums. What he would give to have a bed this big. "Mm, and comfy." Castiel hears Dean chuckling behind him before he feels the bed dip and he turns his head to see Dean lying on his side next to him.

"If I was you, I'd never leave." Castiel says, turning onto his side to face Dean. Dean smiles.

"Well, it is my favourite part of the day when I get to lie down on it." Dean pauses for a second, not meeting Castiel's eyes. "It would be even better if you were lying beside me." Dean says, his voice soft. Castiel blushes, flicking his eyes away when Dean finally looks up. His chest fills with warmth and Castiel can't help it. 

"I think I'd like it better if you were holding me." Castiel says, biting his lip and watching as Dean tries to hold back a smile.

"You like it when I hold you?" he asks, and Castiel nods.

"Yeah, I do." Dean gives him a fond look, and this time Castiel's the one trying to hold back a smile. 

"I like it too." Dean says, and they hold each other's eyes for what seems like forever. Eventually though, Castiel looks away, his cheeks warm and most probably stained pink. Castiel looks at Dean's bandaged hand in between them. It looks even better than the other day but it still has a bit of bruising. Castiel reaches out and gently takes Dean's in his own. 

"Does it hurt?" Castiel asks, smoothing his fingers over Dean's bandage. 

"A little. I'm going to the doctor again tomorrow to get a check up." Dean responds, and Castiel raises his eyebrows.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Why? Does that surprise you?" Dean asks, his eyes tracking the movements of Castiel's fingers. Castiel shrugs the best he can while lying down.

"I don't know. You just seem like the type of person who would try and fix it on their own." Because you never had anyone to take care of you, Castiel thinks sadly.

Dean gives him a small smile. "Yeah, well, I would've tried to fix this bit I've only ever had bruises and small cuts. Never deep like this." Castiel's fingers stop in their tracks. His heart aches.

"I wish you'd never had any." Castiel says, and there's well hidden pain in Dean's eyes but Castiel can see it. Dean's bandaged hand softly curls around one of Castiel's.

"I wish you'd never had any either." A beat. "I wish I'd never given you any." Dean says, and if anything the pain in Dean's eyes only grows. Castiel looks away.

"You've never left a mark on me." Because Dean may of shoved him into a few lockers but he's never hurt him like that. Dean's hand leaves Castiel's and suddenly there are fingers caressing his cheek and tilting his head up to meet Dean's eyes.

"Not physical ones." Castiel stares into Dean's eyes. They're so beautiful when they're full of emotion. But Castiel doesn't like it. He wants Dean to feel guilty but he doesn't want to see the sadness that comes with it. It's age old sadness. A sadness that Dean seems to know so well. Because Dean's father never left just physical marks on him either. Maybe that's why Dean's so adamant about reminding Castiel what he's done to him. He knows what it feels like. 

Dean's eyes suddenly drop to Castiel's lips. Castiel tracks the movement, Dean's hand still soft on his cheek when Dean's tongue pokes out to wet his lips. Castiel feels the pull but he can't. 

Castiel sits up on the bed, Dean's hand leaving him. He quickly averts his eyes away from Dean and notices a few small frames on Dean's bedside table. Castiel gets up, walks around the bed and sits back down on the edge before he picks up the first one. Dean sits down beside him just as he does and chuckles. "That was Ellen's birthday two years ago. We were all a little drunk." Castiel looks at Dean and smiles before looking back down at the photo. It's a picture of Ellen with Jo and Dean on either side of her, kissing her on each cheek. Castiel can only imagine what it would be like to have a family photo like this.

"It looks like she had fun." Castiel says, placing it back down.

"Yeah, she did." Dean says, as Castiel picks up the second frame. It's a picture of Bobby, Sam and Dean standing outside what looks like a car yard. Dean's still taller than Sam, Castiel notices with a small smile. 

"What about this one?" Castiel asks, looking up at Dean who's already gazing at him with a smile of his own. Dean clears his throat looking down at the photo in Castiel's hand.

"Ah - I don't think there was an occasion for that one. I'm pretty sure Ellen just wanted a picture of her boys." Dean replies, as Castiel places it back to where it was. Castiel catches a glance at another photo, one that's much smaller and not in a frame, sitting behind the first two. There's a smiling woman with her arm wrapped around a young Dean. Castiel can only guess it's his mother. He doesn't pick that one up. He doesn't want to make Dean uncomfortable. So he sweeps his eyes across to an envelope, photos sticking out of them. Castiel pauses when he takes a closer look. Are they...

"What are these?" Castiel asks, as takes the envelope from Dean's desk and gently pulls the first photo out. It's the picture that Dean took of them. 

"Oh - those are just - " Dean clears his throat awkwardly, and when Castiel looks over he can see Dean's cheeks are turning pink. "I, ah, finally got to go down to one of those actual photography stores and got them printed out. I was gonna give one to you. So you can, you know, replace the crappy one."

Castiel flicks through them to find that, there are two of the one with him and Dean but there's another one. Castiel's heart swells.

"Ah, yeah, that's..." Dean trails off but Castiel's not even listening. It's the one Dean took of him laughing. Castiel stares at it for what seems like forever. Dean actually printed out a photo of him. Just him. For Dean to keep. Castiel clenches his jaw in order to not turn and kiss Dean right on the lips. Castiel's snapped out of his trance when Dean moves beside him, raising his arm to rub at the back of his neck. If his cheeks were pink before they're red now. Castiel doesn't want to make this out to be emotional because if he does then he won't want to leave and he will most definitely not be able to hold himself back from kissing Dean. So he tries to make a joke. 

"Were you going to give me one of these too?" he says, putting on his best cheeky grin. 

"Hey, it's not my fault you're fucking cute." Dean says, grumpily but there's still a small smile on his face. When he speaks again his voice is quieter, less confident. "Maybe if I had more photos of you I wouldn't feel the need to print them out." Now it's time for Castiel's cheeks to turn from pink to red. 

"So, you want more pictures of me?" Castiel asks, placing the photos back inside the envelope and resting them back on the table. 

"Well...yeah." Dean responds, hesitantly, his eyes down. 

"I'd like more of you too." Castiel says, making Dean look up. "More of us." 

Dean nods. "Yeah, okay." Castiel glances at Dean's alarm clock to see that it's probably time for him to go. Not that he wants to go. He could stay here all snuggled up with Dean in his double bed for hours. But Castiel needs time that is spent without Dean. He needs time to think. He's about to open his mouth to say it's time for him to leave when he thinks of something.

"Hey, Dean. Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Dean responds, and Castiel can see the slight nervousness in his eyes. 

"If you don't want me to, that is totally fine and understandable but I was just...wondering if I could tell Anna and Gabe about, you know, your father. Because they kind of want answers that I can't give them." Castiel finishes, feeling awful for bringing it up. And when Dean's face completely deflates, Castiel wishes he hadn't even asked the question.

"Yeah, I - ah - I don't know, Cas." Dean says, his eyes cast down.

"It's okay, Dean. I don't want you to feel pressured. I just - it was stupid of me to ask this of you in the first place." 

"No, it's fine. It's a good question. I just don't know if I...I'll think about it, okay?" Dean says, finally looking back up at him. Castiel nods.

"Okay." A beat. "Well, I should probably go but I, um, I think that we should maybe try and meet up every two or three days." Castiel starts, but Dean cuts him off before he can say anything more.

"Can we make it every two days?" Dean asks, hesitantly. The corner of Castiel's lips quirk up.

"Yeah, I mean, I would want to see you everyday but just for now I need a little bit of space." 

"Oh, yeah, of course. Sorry, I shouldn't be asking - "

"Dean. it's okay." Castiel says, cutting off Dean's rambling. "We'll try every two days. See how that goes. And if I need some more space, I'll just tell you." 

"Right." Dean nods, worrying his lower lip. "Uh, would you like to keep coming here, then?"

"Of course. Although it doesn't have to just be here." Dean nods again, and Castiel notices Dean's good hand is tapping away on the bed. 

"So, can I come to your dorm?" Dean asks, and Castiel pauses for a moment.

"Maybe not for the time being."

"Yeah, no, that's fine. I totally get it." Dean replies immediately, as though he was waiting for the response. 

"Like you can come if I ask you or if it's an emergency or something but - " Castiel's cut off by a small laugh from Dean. Castiel's eyebrows pull together. "What?"

"No, it's just after everything and I can still show up at your dorm if it's an emergency." Dean says, a fond look in his eyes. Castiel narrows his eyes. Isn't that what anyone would do?

"Well, if someone fucking dies, yes, you can come to my dorm." Castiel says, making Dean laugh again.

"Right." Dean says, and Castiel shakes his head, a small smile pulling at his lips. 

"Anyways, thank you for the lunch. It was very nice." Castiel says, earning himself a grin from Dean.

"No problem. It was a pleasure cooking for you. And hopefully I can do it more often." Dean responds, looking pleased with himself.

Castiel nods. "Hopefully." Dean smiles before abruptly pushing himself off the bed and stepping past Castiel to his bedside table. Dean grabs the envelope and pulls one of the photos out, turning and holding it out for Castiel. 

"Here. This is for you. You can do whatever you want with it, obviously. You know, put it in the frame or throw it in the trash, whatever." 

"Oh, yes. Thank you, Dean." Castiel replies, taking the photo from Dean's grasp. "You know," Castiel starts, remembering back to when Dean saw his empty photo frame, "I never threw the other one away. It was just temporarily removed from the frame." 

Dean's eyes widen. "Oh." Dean swallows, his face blank for a moment before a small smile graces it. "Ah, thanks. I mean, not that it matters what I think. It's yours. I'm just - that makes me happy." Dean mumbles out. Castiel looks down to hide the smile forming on his lips.

"Good." Castiel says, finally pushing himself off of the bed. 

"I'll - ah - walk you out." Dean says, and it's more of a question than a statement. So, Castiel nods and Dean walks him over to the door. "So...I'll see you the day after tomorrow, then."

"Day after tomorrow." Castiel replies, smiling at Dean. Dean smiles back and Castiel finally steps through the door. "Goodbye, Dean."

***

Castiel steps back and stares at his frame. It looks a lot better now, although Castiel still can't bring himself to throw the old photo out. He's never been good with this sort of thing. So instead, he places it inside his bedside drawer. Castiel smiles. He can't help but stare at the frame now. He wonders if Dean will ever get a frame to put the photo of them in too. Or the one of him. Something flutters inside Castiel's chest. Castiel lies back in his bed and thinks that maybe, just maybe, this could work out.

*** 

Turns out, Dean's busy the next few days. On top of work, classes, and football training, there's hardly anytime to meet up at Dean's apartment or out for lunch. But they do figure something out. Castiel sits at his favourite table right at the back of the library, a book in hand. He's slumped back in his chair, his backpack on the floor beside him. The library isn't as full as it usually is today, so he has his whole table to himself. He's been reading for about twenty minutes, when someone pulls the chair out beside him. 

"Hey. You look nice today." Dean says, and Castiel blushes slightly. "Not that you didn't look nice the other day. You look nice everyday but I - ah - "

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel says, putting Dean out of his misery. Dean rubs the back of his neck and gives him an awkward smile before sitting down, and placing his backpack on the table. "You look nice too." 

Dean turns his head at the comment, a less awkward smile on his face. "Thanks." he says, before pulling a few books and a pen out of his bag. 

"How was your appointment yesterday?" Castiel asks, noticing the bandaging on Dean's hand has changed again. 

"Ah, good, actually. I can take this off in two days but I still have to wait a week before I can start training again." Dean replies, flipping through the pages of his textbook. 

"A week's not too long though." Castiel says, thinking about how quickly the past two weeks have gone. It's only been two weeks since Dean turned his back on him and completely broke his heart. It's weird to think about it. Because looking at them now, Castiel's starting to think that they're going to be okay.

"I guess so. When I do get to play again though, will you come to one of my games?" Dean asks, his voice hopeful. Castiel nods, a small smile on his lips.

"Of course." Dean grins. 

"Cool. That's - ah - cool." Dean says, shaking his head at himself before looking back down at his textbook. Castiel does the same, looking back down at his book but not without another quick glance in Dean's direction. Castiel finds himself doing that a lot in the next hour. He'll be reading his book and Dean will lean back in his chair to stretch or mumble something under his breath and Castiel's eyes will always wander over and perhaps glance for what's too long to be considered a glance. He watches as Dean writes, his handwriting messy but neat at the same time. Castiel finds himself catching the occasional way Dean chews at his lower lip or licks them when he's reading the textbook. Or the way he places the pen between his teeth whenever he's thinking about what to write next.

A few times he even catches Dean already looking at him, a calm look on his face. Dean gives him a small smile before looking back down at his book. Castiel can never stop the way his cheeks turn a light shade of pink. Castiel feels his phone vibrate in his pocket and is reminded of something he wants to ask Dean.

He only has to wait five minutes before Dean is dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair. Dean lets out a deep breath as Castiel turns to catch his eyes. 

"Can I ask you something?" Castiel asks, and Dean nods.

"'Course." Castiel opens his mouth but pauses, trying to find the best way to put what he's about to say.

"My brother's birthday is coming up and unless I get another text telling me to stay away, they're going to be expecting me to come down. And I just thought..."

"You thought?" Dean says, and Castiel glances at Dean for a second to see his brows furrowed together. 

"I don't know, I thought that maybe I should take you with me to show them that..." Castiel trails off, not really knowing what to say. Because they're not boyfriends. Not really, are they? Castiel's not sure. But it doesn't matter because Dean somehow understands. 

"Yeah, okay." Castiel whips his head around.

"Okay?" Castiel asks, wondering how it was so much more complicated in his head. 

"Yeah, I'll go with you." Dean says, like it's not big deal at all. 

"Really? I mean, I don't want to put you in an uncomfortable situation. And you haven't even come out to your family  - "

"Cas." Dean says, and Castiel stops in his tracks. "It's okay. I'll go with you." Castiel stares for a moment before he lets out a breath of relief and sinks back into his chair.

"Okay, great." Castiel says, and Dean smiles before clearing his throat.

"I actually had something I wanted to ask you." Dean says, running a hand through his hair.

"Okay." Castiel asks, slowly, turning to face him. 

"I'm going back to Kansas on the 24th to visit my family and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me." Dean opens his mouth but pauses. Castiel waits. "You know, like as my boyfriend." Dean finishes, his eyes not meeting Castiel's. Castiel's heart starts to beat a little faster. Dean actually said it. His boyfriend. As Dean's boyfriend. "You don't have to if you don't want to, obviously - " Now it's Castiel's turn to intervene.

"Dean." Castiel says, his voice firm. Dean looks up. "I'd love to." Dean's smile is contagious. Castiel can't help but return it. He feels ecstatic. Hearing Dean say it, let alone imply that he's going to tell his family, that he's going to introduce Castiel to his family as his boyfriend - it makes Castiel want to kiss Dean so hard that he can't breathe. But Castiel just smiles and looks back towards his book. To other's, this sort of thing probably doesn't seem like a big deal but for Dean, this is a huge step and Castiel's excited although nervous for him at the same time.

"May I ask why you're going down?" Castiel eventually asks, and looks over to find Dean still looking at him. 

"Oh, ah, it's kinda my birthday." Dean says, rubbing the back of my neck. 

" _Dean._ " Castiel says, raising his voice slightly.

"What?" Dean asks.

"You're supposed to tell me that first not last." Castiel responds.

"Well, it's not that big of a deal." 

"It is to me. Of course I want to celebrate it." Dean looks slightly guilty but only shrugs.

"Well, you know now." Dean says, and Castiel shakes his head with a smile as Dean starts to shove his things back into his bag. "Anyways, I have to head off. This was nice though. And surprisingly I was able to concentrate for half of the time."

"And why would you not be able to concentrate?" Castiel asks, as Dean stands up and slings his backpack over on shoulder. 

"You know why." Dean says, winking and with that he's walking out of the library. Castiel feels his cheeks heat up for the millionth time today and sinks back into his chair. 

***

Two days later, it's the same. Except this time when Castiel wonders into the library, Dean's already there. Dean looks up when he gets closer and gives him a big smile. Castiel returns it.

"I see your bandage is finally off." Castiel says, sitting down beside him. Dean's face seems to light up.

"Yeah, fucking finally. Still have to wait a week before I can get back on the field though." Dean says, flexing his hand. It looks a lot better than it did when Castiel tended to it two weeks ago. All of the swelling has gone down, and nearly all of the bruising has disappeared. The cuts look like they're going to leave scars but Dean probably doesn't mind. He probably already has scars, Castiel thinks with a frown.

"I'm sure the wait will be worth it." Castiel says, pulling his book out of his bag. Castiel watches as Dean's eyes land on the pendant, hanging out of the top of the book. 

"Yeah, I'm sure it will." Dean says, a small smile pulling at his lips. Castiel grabs his glasses out of his case and puts them on, not noticing Dean watching him out of the corner of his eye. 

The next hour is more or less the same as the last hour they spent in the library together. Dean studies while Castiel reads, having already finished his own work. Castiel glances at Dean every once in a while and their eyes occasionally meet. But they don't say anything. They just sit in each other's company and if this is the only time they can find at the moment, then Castiel is fine with it. 

Eventually though, the hour passes and Dean and Castiel start to pack up their things. Castiel's taking his glasses off when Dean speaks.

"Woah, what are you doing?" Dean asks, his hands taking Castiel's glasses from his own and slowly placing them back on Castiel's face. "That's better."

Castiel blushes, looking down and taking them back off. The confidence Dean gave him not too long ago, plummeted when he had his run in with Alastair. "I have to disagree." Dean's frowning when Castiel looks up. 

"Well, whatever makes you comfortable but with or without them, you look beautiful all the same." Castiel bites his lip and doesn't even try to hide the blush from Dean. He feels a little pang of sadness as he places his glasses in his case. He never really had the confidence to wear them in the first place anyway. 

"Maybe another time." Castiel says, placing them inside his backpack and pulling it on. Dean's still looking at him with a bit of a frown and Castiel feels a little embarrassed. He looks around the room to find a few girls at the far end looking over at them. Castiel suddenly can't help but feel awkward and sort of like a dork holding the straps of his backpack in front of his old sweater as he stands next to probably the most attractive guy on campus with his leather jacket and perfect face and his backpack slung over one shoulder like he's the bad boy from out of town. Another glance towards the girls shows him they're still looking in his direction.

"Okay, I'm gonna go." Castiel says, snapping Dean out of his trance.

"Oh, right. I can walk you - " Dean starts, but Castiel cuts him off.

"No, it's fine. I just realised I'm late for something." And with that, Castiel puts his head down and practically jogs out of the library without looking back. Castiel doesn't think about it for the rest of the day, although for some reason it seems like the rest of the day is a bit duller. 

It's around seven o'clock when Castiel sees a text from Dean.

_**Asshole** _

_**I'm sorry.** _

Castiel's eyebrows pull together. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**For what?** _

The response takes a little longer than usual.

_**Asshole** _

_**You seemed kinda upset this morning and you ran out on me. I'm sorry if I did anything wrong.** _

Thinking back on it now, he kind of did run out on Dean. Now he feels bad but he just wanted to be alone where no one could look at him. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**You didn't do anything wrong. I just had a bad morning.** _

_**Asshole** _

_**Well, I hope your afternoon was better.** _

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**It was.** _

Castiel lies.

***

Somehow two days later, Castiel organises for Dean to come along with Anna, Gabe and himself to the movies. Surprisingly Anna and Gabe don't object, although they do grumble about it quite a bit. 

By the time eight thirty rolls around, all three of them are in Castiel's dorm, waiting for Dean to pick them up. 

"So, how have you and Dean been lately? What have you been up to?" Anna asks, taking a seat next to Castiel on his bed. Castiel's surprised by the question. There's no hint of malice on her voice. She's genuinely interested. And from the looks of Gabe, who's sitting in Castiel's desk chair, he seems genuinely interested too.

"Ah, well, we've been meeting up every few days. He cooked me lunch at his apartment once and the other times we just caught up in the library because he was busy. But yeah, it's going well, I guess." Castiel says, watching as Anna and Gabe nod along with him. 

"That's good. It's actually all I've been hearing about lately. I swear like three times a day, all I hear is 'Dean Winchester has a boyfriend, Dean Winchester has a boyfriend'." Castiel's heart sinks a little. Because of course it's Dean Winchester has a boyfriend. Not Castiel Novak has a boyfriend. Or Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak are boyfriends. Just Dean Winchester has a boyfriend. His phone vibrating in his hand saves him from his thoughts. 

_**Asshole** _

_**I'm outside.** _

"Dean's here. Let's go." Castiel says, quickly hopping off his bed, his friends following suit. Dean smiles when his eyes meet Castiel's as he walks out of the building.

"Still driving around in this old thing." Anna says, as her and Gabe pile into the backseat.

"Hey. No talking smack about Baby. That's rule number one." Dean says, eyeing Anna in the rearview mirror. 

"There are rules?" Anna asks, incredulously. 

"Fuck yeah." Dean says, as he pulls the car out onto the road. "Number two. Don't put your feet on anything but the floor. Three. Don't break anything. And Four. Definitely don't spill anything. It's already happened once and it won't happen again."

"Please don't tell me we're sitting on your spunk, Winchester?" Gabe says, and Dean cracks a smile.

"Actually, it's not mine." Dean says, with a wink in Castiel's direction. 

Castiel blushes furiously as Anna and Gabe erupt in the backseat.

"Ew, they had sex in the backseat!"

"That's disgusting!"

"Woah, woah. No, we didn't. Okay, calm down." Dean says, and Castiel's glad it's dark because his cheeks are probably bright red. "It was in the front seat."

"Dean!" Castiel shouts, punching Dean in the arm, harder than usual. But Dean just laughs. 

"Why are you angry at me? _He_ asked." Dean says, flicking his head towards Gabe in the backseat. Castiel glares at Dean. 

"How is this my fault?" Gabe asks, and Castiel hears Anna laughing from behind him.

"Oh, please. You're no better, Gabe. Cas and I are the only decent ones here." Anna says, and Gabe hums.

"Yeah, okay. That's true." Castiel shakes his head and sees Dean smiling at him out of the corner of his eye. The rest of the drive towards the cinema is filled with Anna, Gabe and Dean debating over what they want to watch. Castiel doesn't follow it at all. He's far too tired for that. The lines for the counter aren't as long tonight, just as they hoped but the family at the front seems to be taking forever. 

Castiel shuffles from foot to foot, feeling as though he might fall over. Castiel glances at Dean who's standing beside him, looking over the heads of Anna and Gabe. Dean's hands are in his jacket pocket, making Castiel frown. His hand itches to hold Dean's in his own. Or to just hold onto Dean. Dean's head turns when Castiel just goes for it and grabs onto his arm.

"You okay?" Dean asks, and Castiel gives him a weak smile. 

"Sorry, I'm just tired." Castiel responds, not moving his hand from Dean's bicep. 

"No, it's okay. Long day?" Dean asks, and Castiel sighs.

"Long morning." Dean raises an eyebrow. "I went for a long run." Castiel says, and Dean nods.

"How long?" 

"Fifteen kilometres." Dean's eyes widen.

"Fifteen kilometres? You're fucking crazy." Dean says, and Castiel shrugs.

"It's not actually that far. I'm just tired because I was trying to beat my personal best." Castiel says, and Dean shakes his head. 

"No. That is not _not_ far. You're totally fucking crazy." Dean says, and Castiel rolls his eyes. Dean pauses, before opening his mouth again. "Did you beat it though?"

"I did." 

"Ha ha! Fuck yeah!" Dean responds, earning himself the stink eye from a few people around him. Castiel chuckles beside him and Dean turns to look at him. "What? I can't be proud of my boyfriend?" Dean must see the surprise on Castiel's face because he immediately looks embarrassed. "Fuck, sorry. I know we're not that yet. It just slipped out."

"Dean, it's okay. I mean we kinda are, aren't we?" Castiel says, and he knows that they haven't kissed or had sex lately, but that's not really the determining factor, is it? And besides, if things continue to go well, then they'll be doing that soon enough. They're just taking it slow. 

Dean lets out a deep breath and smiles. "Yeah, we kinda are." he says, seeming pretty happy with it. Castiel has a smile of his own as he watches Dean look around the room before turning back towards them.

"Here." Dean says, moving behind him, Castiel's hand falling to his side. Dean's arms circle around his middle, pulling Castiel back against him. Castiel melts into Dean, his hands coming up to cover Dean's. "Is that better?"

"Hmm, yeah. Thank you." Castiel says, tilting his head up to meet Dean's eyes. 

"Anytime." Dean says, smiling back down at him.

They stay like that for a while and eventually Anna turns to look at them and notices. She shakes her head but she shoots Castiel a fond look before nudging Gabe and pointing in their direction. Dean must not be looking because he doesn't react and neither Anna or Gabe say anything other than smiling at Castiel. He feels warmth in his chest. It's nice.

Eventually though, they reach the front of the line and Dean lets go of him. Castiel frowns at the loss but Dean doesn't stray far. "Don't tell Anna and Gabe, but I'm buying your ticket." Dean whispers into Castiel's ear, making him laugh and shove Dean in the chest. "What? I don't earn enough money to buy for four people."

"Well, let me pay, then." Castiel says, reaching for his wallet but Dean stops him. 

"No. I'm paying. And there's nothing you can do to stop me." Castiel rolls his eyes.

"Fine, but I'm paying for snacks." Castiel says, smiling when Dean pouts.

"Fine."

Once they've bought their tickets and snacks, Dean and Castiel having chosen to share some popcorn, they make their way over to the theatre they're in and take a seat near the back. Castiel sits down next to Dean and turns to see that Anna and Gabe have disappeared. "Wait. Where's -"

"We're just here, Cassie. Don't worry." Gabe says, from behind and Castiel turns around to see his friends sitting directly behind them. Castiel huffs out a laugh.

"Unbelievable." Castiel says, as he turns back around in his seat. Dean throws an arm around him once he does and turns to Castiel with the bucket of popcorn.

"Want some?" he asks, as he chews away at his own. Castiel shakes his head before taking a handful himself. There's not that many people in the cinema, but the previews haven't even started yet so that could easily change. Five minutes later, Castiel's greeted with an unpleasant sight.

"Great." Castiel huffs, and Dean turns to him, concern in his eye.

"What's wrong?" 

"Alastair and his friends just walked in." Castiel says, just as he sees Alastair notice them. Castiel sinks lower in his seat when Alastair nudges Brady and Bartholomew and they all look in his direction and snicker.

" _Cas_." Anna hisses, behind him. 

"Yeah, I know." Castiel says, as Alastair waves at them. 

"I'll knock their fucking teeth out." Dean almost growls. 

"No, you won't, Dean. Don't you remember what we talked about?" Castiel says, thinking back to when he told Dean he didn't want him to get hurt. Dean slumps back into his seat with a frown.

"Fine." 

"You know," Gabe starts, "I didn't mention this last time this happened but I'm just gonna say it now. You're being kind of a hypocrite, Dean-o. Or did you forget that you ever bullied Cassie, here?" Castiel sighs.

"We've already been over that, Gabe." Castiel says, and Dean turns in his seat.

"Yeah, _Gabe_. We've already been over that." Dean says, and Castiel rolls his eyes. 

"Wow." Anna says, chuckling to herself. "How did that go?" 

"Awful." Dean responds, just as Castiel opens his mouth. "Now can we just focus on what's happening in front of us?" Castiel looks about five rows in front of them to see the three dickheads, whispering to each other and glancing back up at them before laughing to themselves.

"Well, there's not much we can do, Dean. They're not going to make a scene. There are heaps of other people around." Castiel says, having been through this before. 

"So you're content to just sit here while they laugh at you and call you a fag?" Dean says, and Castiel clenches his jaw.

"I can take it, Dean."

"Well, I can't." Dean says, and Castiel stares at him. 

"Get used to it, Dean. Because this is my life. Didn't you get the memo?" Castiel snaps, looking back out towards the screen. "Oh, that's right. You were always walking in the other direction." Castiel regrets it as soon as it's out. But it's true. Dean could take Alastair and his friends bullying him before but now that he's with Castiel, he suddenly can't take it. 

Dean's arm vanishes from around him and Castiel turns to see Dean standing up from his seat. Without a word, Dean walks into the aisle, down the stairs and out of the theatre. Castiel swears, running a hand over his face. 

"Hey, Cas. It's okay." Anna says, from behind him and he feels a hand resting on his shoulder. "I'm sure he'll come back." Castiel sighs, just as the theatre dims and the advertisements start to play. He had to fucking ruin it. It was all going so well and he just had to ruin it. Castiel's chest is growing heavier by the second. It's stupid. Because they've already been over this. Not this specifically but it's all the same. Castiel knows Dean's sorry. He knows that. But sometimes he can't help it. He can't just keep it all bottled up. 

"Yeah. I'm sure he will." Castiel says, finally responding to Anna and giving her a small smile. Castiel's not sure though. Dean might've left for all he knows. Much to Castiel's relief though, five minutes later, Dean walks back in. Castiel flicks his eyes back to the screen, which is currently playing a preview for another movie, as Dean walks up to him.

"Cas, get up. We're leaving." Dean says, making Castiel's head turn. 

"What?"

"We're leaving. I'm not gonna let them ruin your night. Okay? So, c'mon, let's go. You too." Dean says, looking towards Anna and Gabe. Castiel lets out a frustrated breath but gets up anyway. "And I'm gonna need to borrow these." Dean leans over Castiel to his empty seat and grabs the bucket of popcorn, tucking it under his arm before reaching towards Anna and Gabe.

"Why do you need to borrow them?" Castiel asks.

"You'll find out soon. C'mon, just give them to me. I'll pay you back." Anna and Gabe look skeptical.

"Fine." Anna says, handing over her popcorn as Gabe hands over his large coke. 

"Okay. You guys head to the door. I'll meet you down there in a sec." Castiel narrows his eyes.

"What are you - "

"Just head to the door. Please." Dean says, and Castiel throws his hands out to the side. 

"Okay. We'll meet you at the door." Castiel says, making his way carefully past Dean with his arms full and walks down to the exit with Anna and Gabe. 

"What's he doing?" Anna asks, as they watch Dean head down the aisle on the opposite side and turn into the row behind Alastair.

"Oh my God. Oh my God." Anna whispers, just before they watch as Dean takes the two popcorns and dumps them over Brady and Bartholomew's heads and then takes the coke and quickly dumps it over Alastair's. The three of them erupt in shouts as Dean sprints off towards them. 

"C'mon, let's go!" Dean hisses, taking Castiel's hand and pulling him out of the theatre. Heads turn as the four of them sprint out of the cinema, one person even yelling at them from somewhere behind. Castiel holds Dean's hand tight and keeps running until they're out the main doors and around the back where Dean's car is parked. Dean immediately lets go of Castiel's hand and turns back towards him.

"I know, I know. I shouldn't have done that but I didn't get hurt or - " Castiel cuts Dean off with a kiss. It's short and rough but Castiel feels high once he pulls away. And from the looks of Dean's smile, he feels high too. 

"That was fucking awesome!" Anna shouts, before erupting into laughter with Gabe. 

"Yeah, Dean-o, you aren't off the hook just yet but that was some good stuff right there." Gabe says, saluting him. Dean huffs out a laugh before returning his gaze back to Castiel.

"Thank you, Dean." And he almost says, 'for coming back' but he closes his mouth before he can. Dean shoves his hands in his jacket pockets and looks at the ground.

"Ah - no problem. So, do you still want to watch that movie? There's another cinema about ten minutes away." Dean says, and Castiel looks towards Anna and Gabe who nod.

Castiel looks back. "Yeah. Let's do that."

Dean nods. "Alright. Let's get going."

Anna and Gabe end up paying for the snacks, anyway, saying that Dean deserved it. Castiel never thought he'd hear that in his lifetime. As soon as they sit down in the older theatre, Anna and Gabe behind them, Dean shoves up the arm rest between them and throws an arm around Castiel. Castiel doesn't deny himself, he just snuggles into Dean as much as he can.

The movie is one of those big action ones where it's all special effects and no storyline. It doesn't matter though. Because Dean's whispering in his ear the whole time, making jokes about the bad acting and guessing what's going to happen next - he's, not surprisingly due to the extremely predictable plot, right ninety nine percent of the time. Their giggling even has Anna and Gabe moving to the other side of the theatre because - "You guys are gross." They don't stop though because the only other couple in the theatre is all the way down the front.

Castiel doesn't even notice how close Dean gets, his nose practically brushing Castiel's cheek every time he turns. Castiel honestly believes that even though Dean comments throughout the entire movie that he actually spends most of it watching Castiel laugh at his stupid jokes. 

"What? That was it? With that sort of quality performance, I could watch it for hours." Dean says, as the credits roll. Castiel chuckles beside him. 

"Well, not me. I think I'm about to fall asleep." Castiel says, stretching his arms and legs out. 

"My bad. Probably wasn't great making you run before." Dean says, standing up.

"No, it's not your fault. I would've been tired anyway." Castiel says, looking over to see Anna and Gabe waiting for them at the end of the aisle. 

"C'mon. I'll piggyback you out." Dean says, turning his back to him. Castiel laughs.

"What? Really?"

"You know you want it, Cas." Dean responds, shaking his ass.

"What about your hand?"

"Pfft, my hand is fine. Now hurry up." Castiel huffs, finally standing up and quickly smacks Dean on the ass before jumping onto his back and wrapping his arms around Dean's neck. Dean laughs as he does, adjusting his arms under Castiel's legs. "You kinky bastard. I knew you wanted a piece of this ass."

"You asked for it." Castiel retorts, his cheek pressing against Dean's own. 

"Alright. We're ready for take off." Dean says, as they start walking towards the aisle. Castiel can feels his eyelids already drooping.

"You guys are sickeningly adorable." Anna says, as they make their way out of the dark theatre.

"Ha ha! You hear that, Cas? Anna thinks I'm adorable." Dean says, triumphantly, turning his head as far as he can towards Castiel. 

"No, I do not. I said you two _together_ are adorable. Not you by yourself. Most of the adorableness comes from Cas, anyway." Anna says, as Gabe chuckles beside her. 

"Oh, c'mon. What do you think, Cas? Do you think I'm adorable?" Dean asks, as Gabe holds the door open in front of them and he's carried out into the cool air. 

"I think I'm adorable." Castiel says, his eyelids closing. Castiel can feel Dean smile from where their cheeks are pressed together.

"And he's falling asleep." Gabe says, from somewhere in front of them.

"God, he's so fucking cute." Dean says, and that's the last Castiel hears before it's lights out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment below and let me know what you think! They really mean a lot whether they're one word or three paragraphs! I hope your weeks were amazing! Love you all! <3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	15. Chapter 15

The first thing Castiel notices when he wakes up is that he's no longer clinging onto Dean's shoulders. He's in his room. The second thing he notices is that he's in his shirt and jeans, his sweater and jacket neatly placed over his desk chair. Castiel smiles. He knows that it's Dean who did that. Castiel stretches, rolling over and taking a peek at his alarm clock to see that it's eight o'clock in the morning. Great. He has a class in an hour. Castiel jumps out of bed, walking over to pull his curtains across and let the light fill up his room. It's only then when he notices the sticky note sitting in the middle of his desk.

_You fell asleep on my shoulder and I didn't want to wake you in the car so I carried you up to your room. Gabe let me in. Hope that's okay. Sleep tight xx_

Castiel blushes at the x's on the end. No one would've thought that bad boy Dean Winchester uses x's when he's writing little goodnight notes. The line of scrawl below it is much messier and Castiel doesn't even have to look further to know that it's from Gabe.

_Don't worry, Cassie. I was eyeing him like a hawk the whole time ;) xxxxxxx_

Castiel laughs. Because of course Gabe would be mocking Dean about the x's. He'd take any opportunity to do that. Castiel picks up the note and places it at the top of his desk without giving it a thought. Castiel thinks about last night when he's in the shower, the warm water pounding down on him. And when he finally steps out, he feels even warmer on the inside than he does on the outside.

***

Castiel was so busy yesterday with classes and studying that he never got around to texting Dean about what they're going to do today. As he's walking back to his building from a short run, he pulls out his phone and starts typing. Just before he's about to send the text, he looks up and spots Dean talking to two girls just up ahead of him. Castiel stops in his tracks, not knowing whether he should approach or just continue on to his dorm. Castiel doesn't decide and ends up standing frozen in the middle of the path, watching them. He can't help the jealousy that curls in his gut.

The girls are standing a little too close and laughing a little too often. Dean has a big smile on his face and to top it all off, the girls are beautiful. Castiel can easily see Dean with one of them. In fact, they probably all hate him for stealing Dean away. Castiel's just about to walk past when one of the girls spots him and nudges Dean. Dean turns in his direction and grins but for some reason it doesn't make him feel any better. Dean says a quick goodbye to the girls before turning and jogging over to Castiel. The girls watch him for a few seconds before turning and walking away, chatting to one another. 

"Hey." Dean says, as he comes to a stop in front of Castiel. 

"Who were you talking too?" Castiel blurts out, not being able to stop himself. At the look on Dean's face, Castiel immediately feels embarrassed. It must be so obvious how jealous he is. He just can't help but feel inadequate. 

"Ah, they're just some girls I know." Dean says, and Castiel nods awkwardly before Dean continues, a concerned look in his eyes. "Anyways, I didn't hear from you yesterday and I was wondering if you wanted to do something today or did you need some, you know, time off?"

"No, I've, um, just been busy. I was actually just going to ask if you wanted to come sit with us for lunch again. Like today." Castiel says, and Dean smiles.

"Yeah, sure. I actually think your friends are starting to like me." Dean says, and Castiel laughs. "I mean, they _did_ threaten me multiple times the other night but other than that I think things are going well." 

Castiel's eyes widen. "When did they do that?" 

"On the way back from the movies the other night. You know, when you were asleep." Dean says, a small smile on his face and a fond look in his eyes. Castiel ducks his head to avoid it. 

"Sorry about that." Castiel says, and Dean chuckles.

"Don't be sorry. I just hope you don't mind that I carried you up to your dorm. You got my note, didn't you? Or the one that your friend sabotaged?" Dean asks, and for some reason he looks slightly nervous. Castiel doesn't know why though because Dean carrying Castiel all the way up to his dorm is one of the most romantic things that anyone has ever done for him. Actually, all of the romantic things that anyone has ever done to him have been done by Dean. 

"Yeah, I got that. And no, I didn't mind. I actually wanted to say thank you. I hope Gabe didn't give you too much of a hard time." Dean looks relieved after that, a big grin lighting up his face.

"Trust me, Cas. I deserve a lot more than what your friends are giving to me." Dean replies. Castiel shakes his head at the one hundredth reminder but doesn't comment. He's warmed down a bit and he's starting to get cold. 

"I should probably get back to my dorm but I'll see you at twelve?" Castiel asks, and Dean smiles.

"'Course. I have a class to go to so I'll meet you there. You guys sit in the same place every time, right?" 

"Yeah, same place." Dean nods.

"Okay. Great. I'll see you at twelve, then." Dean says, biting his lip. Castiel eyes him for a moment before speaking.

"Yeah, I'll see you at twelve." Castiel responds, giving Dean a small smile before turning and walking back towards his building. He's barely made it ten metres before a hand is on his shoulder, swinging him around and suddenly there are lips on his own and Dean's hands are cold on his face but Castiel's eyes flutter closed and his fingers grip onto the hem of Dean's jacket as he kisses back. Castiel kissed Dean the other night but it still feels like he hasn't had this in weeks. The kiss is longer, not rough, but it's as if Dean's starving for his lips. Castiel thinks he's starving for Dean's lips too when they finally part and he finds himself holding back from kissing Dean again.

"What was that for?" Castiel asks, their breath mingling together as Dean holds him close.

"I just - you don't have to worry about any girl, Cas. You know that, right?" Dean says, and Castiel's heat cheeks up. 

"Should I be worrying about a guy, then?" Castiel responds, making Dean laugh. 

"No guys. No girls. Just you. I only want you." Dean says, his thumbs gently brushing up and down Castiel's cheekbones. Castiel feels a flutter in his chest at Dean's words but he casts his eyes down. Because there's always his insecurities nagging away at him.

"Until you get bored of me." Castiel says, his voice quiet. Dean's thumbs stop moving on his face and Castiel peeks up under his eyelashes.

"I'll never get bored of you. Why would you think that?" Dean asks, his eyebrows pulled together and a frown on his face. Castiel shrugs. He doesn't want to talk about it. _Well, then why did you bring it up in the first place?_

"I don't know. I probably - I need to get back to my dorm. And don't you have a class you need to get to?" Castiel says, raising his hands to grab onto Dean's own and pull them down. There's worry in Dean's eyes and he looks like he wants to push further but after a moment or so, he lets out a deep breath and Castiel can tell that the conversation is over.

"Yeah, I - uh - do. Probably should get going. I'll see you later." Dean says, squeezing Castiel's hands once before letting them go. 

"Yeah, I'll see you later." And with that, Castiel turns and walks off to his building, this time without being stopped. But Castiel can tell Dean wants to. 

***

"I'm not kidding, Cas. Like I never thought I'd say the word cute and Dean Winchester's name in the same sentence but when you fell asleep on his shoulder - it was just the cutest thing." Anna says, as the three of them make their way over to their spot. 

"Nah, it was cuter when he carried you bridal style all the way up to your dorm." Gabe says, making Castiel's eyes widen.

"What! When did that happen?" Anna asks, whipping her head around to stare at Gabe. Castiel hadn't really thought about it. He just assumed that Dean piggybacked him all the way to this dorm. But now...well, Castiel kind of wishes he was awake for that part.

"After you were dropped off, we went back to the dorms and we didn't want to wake Cassie up so Dean carried him all the way up. It's was ridiculously sappy. I never thought I'd see the day - Dean Winchester, the romantic of all romantics." 

"Ugh, that's ridiculous. Speak of the devil." Anna says, just as Castiel spies the one and only Dean Winchester sitting up against a large tree trunk, his backpack beside him. Dean's knees are up, feet on the ground and he's scrolling through something on his phone. He looks up when they get close, his eyes immediately finding Castiel's and giving him a big grin.

"Hey, gorgeous." Dean says, making Castiel smile. 

"I am absoluely flattered, Dean-o. Thank you _so_ much." Gabe says, and Castiel, along with Dean, rolls his eyes. Dean shoves his phone in his pocket and reaches his hands out when Castiel comes to a stop in front of him. 

"Come here." Dean says, grabbing Castiel's hands and pulling him down for a small peck on the lips. Castiel gives him one more before attempting to stand back up again. "Hey, where are you going?" 

"I'm sitting down." Castiel says, his eyebrows pinched together as he places his backpack on the grass beside Dean.

"Sit with me." Dean says, pulling Castiel down onto the ground and turning him over.

"What are you - " Castiel's ass lands on the ground between Dean's legs and Dean's arms circle around his middle and pull him back. 

"That's better." Dean says, nuzzling his nose into Castiel's cheek before pressing a kiss there.

"See what I mean?" Anna says, from where she's sitting opposite them. Castiel shakes his head.

"At least let me eat first." Castiel says, turning his face as far as he can to meet Dean's eyes. 

"Fine." Dean grumbles, making Castiel chuckle. Dean finally lets go of him though and Castiel leans across to grab his backpack and pull the muffins out. He passes one each across to Anna and Gabriel, earning himself some thank you's before turning to Dean. 

"Here I got you one too. And I didn't know what flavour you liked so I just got choc chip." Castiel says, and Dean looks at him like he's hung the moon. Castiel doesn't know why. It's just a muffin.

"You didn't have to do that." Dean says, taking it out of his hands. 

"I wanted to." Castiel says, looking at Dean for a moment before reaching into his bag and taking out his own. He eats his own in silence, observing the campus as he usually does until Dean speaks up.

"So what do you guys usually talk about when I'm not here?" Dean says, and Castiel chuckles.

"About how you're an asshole." Castiel says, a cheeky grin on his face. 

"Oh, really?" Dean says, a mischievous glint in his eye as he leans closer into Castiel's personal space. "So you talk about me a lot, huh?" 

"Oh, please. Your name comes up once in a blue moon." Gabe says, but Dean doesn't take his eye off of Castiel. There's a small smile on his face as he leans back against the tree. 

"Actually, your name is all I've been hearing for the past week. I was just telling Cas the other night." Anna starts, and Castiel deflates a little, knowing where this is going. "Oh my god, Dean Winchester has a boyfriend. Dean Winchester is finally taken. Did you know Dean Winchester was gay? Now I'll never get a chance to sleep with Dean Winchester and it just goes on and on and - " Castiel tunes out to the rest of the conversation. He's suddenly not hungry anymore. And it's not Anna's fault. He would rather hear it from her than some random. 

Castiel places his muffin back in the paper bag and stuffs it in his backpack. Just as he finishes, two arms circle around him again and he's pulled back against Dean's chest.

"Are you okay?" Dean asks, his voice soft as Anna and Gabe continue to talk in front of them. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Castiel says, wondering how Dean picked up on that.

"You sure?" Dean asks, his thumbs rubbing up and down Castiel's sides. 

"Yeah, I'm sure. Why?" Castiel responds, turning his head to meet Dean's eyes. Dean shrugs.

"I don't know. You seem a bit off." A beat. "Is it because of what happened this morning?" Dean asks, and Castiel clenches his jaw. He doesn't want to talk about it. He never wants to talk about it. 

"No, I'm fine, Dean. Please just let it go." Castiel says, and his tone is calm but his words sound harsh and Castiel doesn't like it. He doesn't want to make Dean feel bad for caring about him but he doesn't want to have this conversation. Especially not with Dean. But Dean doesn't seem to take offence.

"Okay, I will. I just don't like seeing you upset." Castiel sighs, letting go of the tension in his shoulders he didn't even realise he had. "C'mon, beautiful. I wanna see that smile." Dean presses his cheek right up against Castiel's own and Castiel gives him a small smile. "No, c'mon, Cas. I want a big one. Give me the one where your nose does that cute thing where it scrunches up." Dean says, placing small, quick kisses all over the side of his face. 

" _Dean_." Castiel says, a bigger smile breaking out on his face. Dean's hands begin to move up and down his sides and - "Dean!" Castiel yelps, beginning to laugh as he tries to get away from him.

"I didn't know you were so ticklish." Dean says, as Castiel writhes in his arms. Castiel kicks out of Dean's grasp, laughing so hard his stomach muscles are hurting, and lands on his back right beside Dean. Dean leans over him, his hands thankfully stopping but his lips continuing to kiss Castiel all over his face and his jaw. 

"Get a room!" Gabe yells, but Dean doesn't stop until he's out of breath. Dean finally lifts his head and stares at Castiel with a big grin on his face. It mirrors Castiel's own. 

"There it is." Dean says, brushing one hand through Castiel's hair. "Better?" Castiel stares at him for a few seconds before replying. 

Castiel nods, his heart pounding in his chest. "Better." 

"Good." Dean replies, before turning over and pulling Castiel back up. Castiel gladly returns to sitting in between legs, his head resting on Dean's chest. Castiel closes his eyes for a little while, his fingers twining with Dean's over his stomach. It's nice. Dean's is warm and cuddly, just like Castiel remembers from the times Dean used to hold him when they slept. 

"Hey, Dean." Castiel starts, suddenly remembering something. From the grunt he receives as an answer, Castiel believes that Dean probably closed his eyes for a little while too. "I was thinking the other day about how we're gonna go back down to Kansas."

"Uh huh."

"Michael's birthday is on the 26th but I thought that maybe we could go down on the 23rd for dinner and then stay the night at your family's place if that's okay." Castiel asks, knowing that staying at his own family's house would be a complete disaster.

"Yeah, that'd be fine." Dean says, and Castiel feels slightly relieved even though he knew that would be the answer.

"And then we can spend your birthday with your family and come back the next day. Well, I mean only if that suits you."

"Yeah, that suits me. Sounds good." Dean says, kissing him on the cheek. Castiel shakes his head. Dean doesn't seem like he'll be getting sick of doing that anytime soon. Not that Castiel minds.

"I just would rather get the visit to my family out of the way first." Castiel says, because if they don't then he'll be freaking out about it the whole time and he definitely does not want that to ruin Dean's birthday. 

"Whatever you want, Cas. I understand." Dean says, and Castiel honestly has never been so thankful for Dean being so easy going about all of this. Even when it's his own birthday they're talking about. 

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel says, letting out a deep breath. "Also could I have Sam's number?" Castiel turns to see Dean's eyebrows pulled together.

"Why do you want Sam's number?" Dean asks, slowly.

"No reason." Honestly, Castiel doesn't know what to get Dean for his birthday. He's never been any good at buying gifts and even though he feels like he knows a lot about Dean now, he still barely knows any of his likes or dislikes. 

"That wasn't suspicious at all." Dean says, and Castiel gives him his best puppy dog eyes. "Hey, that's cheating." Castiel doesn't let up. "Fine." Dean shakes his head with a smile. 

Dean pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens it up to a familiar background. "Is that me?" Castiel asks, but he already knows the answer. It's the picture that Dean took of Castiel laughing. It seems to be everywhere. 

"Yeah." Dean says, his voice quieter than before. 

"You really like that picture don't you?" Castiel asks, flicking his eyes all over Dean's face. 

"Well, yeah. Obviously." Dean says, flicking his eyes down and back up again. "What? Am I not allowed to have pictures of you?"

"No, you are." Castiel says, shaking his head with a smile. "It's just - " It's weird for someone to have pictures of me, Castiel thinks. Because he's not that special.

"Just what?"

"I don't know. It's nice." Castiel says, and the corner of Dean's lips quirk up. 

"We should take some more."

"What? Now?" Castiel asks, incredulously but Dean only opens up the camera on his phone and sticks it out in front of them. 

"Yes, now." Dean responds, pulling Castiel as far back against him as he possibly can.

" _Dean_." 

"Oh, c'mon, Cas. Smile. And then I won't have to have the same picture everywhere." Dean says, so Castiel does. 

"I said get a room." Gabe says, and Castiel feels his cheeks heat up as Dean continues to take some pictures. 

"Who knew Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak would be grossly romantic as a couple." Anna says, shaking her head at them but when Castiel glances up she has a smile of her own. Dean turns his head and Castiel grins when Dean places his lips on Castiel's cheek. Castiel turns his head after Dean takes the picture and stares at Dean for a moment before capturing Dean's lips with his own. The kiss probably goes on for a little longer than it takes to snap a picture but Dean's lips are so very soft and Castiel wants them to himself for a littler longer.

Dean chuckles when they pull away, flicking through his phone to see the pictures, his chin resting on Castiel's shoulder. Dean flicks through the first few with both of them smiling, then the one with Dean kissing his cheek and then the last one with them kissing each other.

"God, you're just such a fucking pretty boy, aren't you, Cas?" Dean says, zooming in on Castiel's face.

"Fuck off." Castiel mumbles out, lamely as his cheeks tinge pink. Dean laughs beside him but it's cut off when Castiel grabs his phone out of his hand. 

"Hey!" Dean says, but Castiel just selects all of the photos they just took and the ones of them at ice skating, which are surprisingly the most recent ones before today and pulls up a message thread. Castiel types in 'nerd' but nothing comes up. 

"What's my contact under?" Castiel asks, as he types in 'Novak' and once again, nothing comes up. 

"Oh, ah..." Dean brings one finger up and types in the letters 'm' and 'y' and clicks on the first one that comes up. _**My Beautiful Nerd.**_ Castiel's eyes widen and he nearly drops the phone.  _ **My Beautiful Nerd.**_ Warmth floods Castiel's chest.

"How long has it been like this?" Castiel asks, his voice soft as he turns to face Dean. Dean looks like he's guilty of something. 

"I don't know. A little while, I guess." Dean says, sheepishly. Castiel narrows his eyes.

"How long is a little while?" he asks, lowering his head to catch Dean's eyes. Dean hesitates for a moment.

"Since we went on that date."

"What date?" Dean bites his lip.

"The one at the old outdoor cinema." Dean picks at a loose thread on his jeans. Castiel can't take his eyes off of him. There's a small smile on Castiel's face but it doesn't do justice the way he feels right now. But it doesn't matter because his eyes show it. "Don't look at me like that." Dean mumbles, when he finally looks up.

"Like what?" Castiel asks, but Anna answers for them.

"They're so in love. I can't stand it." They both immediately blush at her words. They've never said it out loud before. That word. But Castiel's thought it a thousand times. And maybe not recently but it's still there. Maybe he hated Dean for a little while. Maybe part of him still hates Dean for what he's done. But once Castiel fell in love with him, it never went away. 

Dean pulls Castiel out of his thoughts when he takes the phone back from Castiel. He hits the send button for the photos and types in a phone number that Castiel assumes is Sam's and sends that too. After a moment or so, Castiel feels his phone vibrating in his pocket and pulls it out. He saves Sam's number under a new contact and saves all of the pictures to his phone before scrolling through his contact list. He holds his phone clear out in front of him so he knows that Dean can see when he changes Dean's contact to 'My Beautiful Asshole'.

"Sounds kinda like a porno." Dean says, and Castiel laughs, elbowing him on the stomach.

"Fuck you, don't ruin it." Castiel says, making Dean laugh too.

"Whatever you say, Cas. I probably should get going. My shift at work starts soon." Dean says, and Castiel frowns a little. He never likes it when their time together is up but it's even worse today. 

"Oh, okay. I'll see you later, then." Castiel says, as Dean stands up and pulls his backpack over one shoulder.

"Yes, you will." Dean leans down and gives Castiel a small kiss on the lips. "Later losers." Dean says, and Castiel laughs as Gabe places an 'L' on his forehead and Anna just gives him the finger. Dean chuckles before walking off. 

Castiel sighs, shuffling into a more comfortable position. "Sorry, I didn't speak to you guys that much." Castiel says.

"Oh, don't worry about it. Gabe and I had a million things to talk about. And when we didn't, the view in front of us was, you know...interesting." Anna says, and Castiel huffs.

"Say it." Anna pauses for a moment, thinking.

"Look. I'm still not Dean's biggest fan but he obviously hasn't done anything wrong since his big fuck up and he clearly makes you happy and you  _clearly_ make him happy so if it continues this way then...well, I'll support it." Anna says, and Castiel's eyes widen.

"I second that but don't you dare tell Dean we've agreed on this. We still need him to feel threatened by us. And we still get to actually threaten him from time to time." Gabe says, and Castiel smiles.

"Somehow I don't think he feels threatened by you guys but...thank you. That means a lot." Castiel says, and it's true. Because Castiel knows that this probably isn't easy and that they're trying really hard for him. 

"Sure thing." Anna says, smiling back.

***

Castiel collapses into his desk chair once he gets back to his dorm and pulls his phone out. It's the 15th so he still has heaps of time to get something for Dean, although considering Dean will be telling his family they're boyfriends, Castiel thinks it would also be appropriate if he took Dean somewhere special. Just the two of them. And somewhere with lots and lots of stars. Castiel already has a place in mind from back when he still lived in Kansas. But he can worry about that later.

For now, he just needs to get Dean a present.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Hi Sam. This is Castiel. I was wondering if I could ask you about something coming up.** _

While Castiel's waiting for a response, he flicks through the photos that they took. He can't even decide which one to set as his home screen. They're all too pretty. He eventually decides on the one where they're kissing as he already has the frame with both of them smiling. Castiel stares at the photo before pulling up his text thread with Dean. He can't stop himself. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I know we said we'd meet every two days but is there any chance we could meet tomorrow?** _

The 'I want to see you' goes unsaid but he's pretty sure Dean can tell. 

***

Castiel clenches and unclenches his fists where he's holding his book. Ever since Dean came into the library and sat down next to Castiel, the three girls and one guy sitting in the corner haven't stopped looking at them. One of the girls whispers in another's ear and they laugh quietly to themselves. Castiel can't help it. He's embarrassed. They're probably laughing at him. At how such a loser, such a no one like him got the guy that everyone wants. They probably don't even know his name. 

Dean must notice his uncomfortableness because he looks up from his textbook. "You okay?"

Castiel swallows. "They're looking at us." Castiel says, quietly and watches as Dean lifts his head up and scans across the room before he sees the students in the corner. Dean smiles.

"Actually, I think they're looking at you gorgeous." Dean says, totally calm and not fazed at all because of course he's used to people looking at him. 

"No, I actually think they're looking at Dean Winchester and thinking how the hell did he end up with some random nerd who isn't a tenth as good looking as you." Castiel says, his voice still quiet but harsher now. He feels the emotion fill his chest. Fuck. 

"Hey, what's going on? Why would you think that?" Dean asks, concern in his voice and probably in his eyes too but Castiel doesn't look up. He just keeps his eyes trained on his book.

"Because it's true. I can guarantee that's what they're thinking." Castiel says, and he's not going to stop now because this has been building up for days.

"Cas, no. What the hell are you on about?" Dean says, turning in his seat to face Castiel and lowering his head to catch Castiel's eyes. "First of all, the only person who should be thinking how the hell did they end up with the other, is me. And what are you talking about you're not good looking? I've already told you you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my entire life. Do you think I'm lying?" Dean says, and Castiel can hear the frustration creeping into his voice.

"I don't know. Maybe you're just sugar coating it to be nice." Castiel responds, looking away. Dean huffs, shaking his head.

"Cas, stop this. You're being ridiculous, okay? The amount of people I've seen staring at you when you haven't been looking is crazy."

"Yeah, staring at my ass." Castiel retorts.

"What's gotten into you? Did something happen this morning?"

"No, nothing happened."

"Was it me, then? Did I do something wrong?"

"Nothing fucking happened, Dean." Castiel says, harshly, his fists clenching so hard that the pages of his book crumple slightly. 

"Then why are you like this?" Dean asks, making Castiel turn to him. 

"I've always been like this. Haven't you noticed?" Castiel says, and with that he grabs his book and necklace and shoves it in his bag.

"Where are you going?" Dean asks, and he sounds just as confused as he is angry. 

"I'm going home." Castiel replies, standing up and pushing his chair in. 

"Cas, wait." Dean says, frantically shoving his own things into his bag. 

"Just go home, Dean. I'll text you tomorrow." Castiel says, walking out of the library. The halls are quite crowded for six o'clock at night but Castiel has no problem manoeuvring through them. Outside it's overcast. How suitable, Castiel thinks.

"Cas, wait up!" Dean's voice comes from behind him. Castiel keeps walking. "Cas, I'm not letting you go home by yourself when you're like this." Castiel spins around and Dean just stops in time before he runs into Castiel. 

"Like what?" Castiel asks, his voice trembling. And just like that, Castiel's chest is constricting and he can feel tears well up behind his eyes. Dean's face goes soft and worry floods over it. 

"Like - you're upset. Something's upset you. Please, just tell me what it is." Dean says, and Castiel doesn't stop himself this time.

"I wouldn't expect you to understand, Dean, but I've never been looked at before like I'm something that people want. And then there's you and you're so fucking beautiful and people look at you all the time and dream about even getting close to you and now that you're with me, people are finally starting to look at me but not like that. I'll never be more than the pretty guy's nerdy boyfriend or the one who stole Dean Winchester from everyone else and it makes me feel like shit." Castiel says, barely even stopping for a breath and finally the tears spill over and his shoulders start to shake.

Dean's arms are around him in an instant and Castiel sobs into the crook of his neck. One hand is rubbing up and down his back the whole time and the other is curling into his hair. Castiel wraps his arms around Dean's waist and wishes he could just disappear. Why did he have to do this in fucking public? Why does he always have to embarrass himself like this? Not only in front of Dean but in front of random students too? 

"Cas, what you just said, it's not true. I have no idea where you're getting this from but it's not true." Dean says, after Castiel's shoulders have stopped shaking. His tears, however, continue to silently fall. "You remember those girls I was talking to yesterday?" Castiel nods into his shoulder. "You wanna know what they were talking about? You, Cas. Not me. They were asking about who you were and what your name was and how come they'd never seen you before because you were so fucking cute and that I was the luckiest guy in the world."

Castiel presses even closer into Dean. He knows Dean's not lying, he wouldn't lie when Castie's like this, but it's so strange hearing it. He's only ever had a few people call him cute before or even compliment him at all. Even fewer who weren't his friends or Dean. He's never really known how to take compliments. They're just so foreign that half the time he doesn't believe them. But Dean wouldn't lie now.

"And all that about me being the one that people want - that's such shit, Cas. I'm the same as you. You think I'm popular because I have a great personality or a beautiful smile? Fuck, no. I'm popular because I have a nice face to look it, a few muscles here and there and a big fucking dick. And also because I chose to share that with everyone because that's all I have going for me." Dean says, his voice firm and Castiel feels the emotion well up again. He's never thought about it like that. Although, Castiel's sure people would still run after him even if he hadn't gone around having sex with all the girls in the first place.

"No, it's not. _I_ like your smile and your personality." Castiel says, looking up and Dean gives him the sweetest smile.

"And that's why I fought so hard for you. Because you see the best in me with that beautiful fucking heart of yours." Dean says, and Castiel loves him. So fucking much. He presses his face back into the crook of Dean's neck and holds him close again. Fuck, he loves him. "How about we go back to my place. Get some takeout on the way and we can snuggle up under some blankets and watch or movie or something. Would you like that?"

Castiel laughs into Dean's chest because of course Dean would suggest the exact thing that Castiel needs right now. "Yeah, I would like that."

"Alright, let's go, then." Dean says, intertwining their fingers and pulling Castiel along. Castiel can see out of the corner of his eyes that there are people looking at them but he doesn't let it bother him. They don't speak as they walk towards Dean's building. Dean only asks him if he likes Japanese and later when they reach the Japanese restaurant after Castiel's said yes, Dean asks what he wants. But other than that, they don't say anything. Dean keeps Castiel's hand in his own the whole time, only letting go when he has to pull out his wallet and pay. It's spitting by the time they get their takeout and full on pelting down rain five minutes later.

They run all the way to Dean's apartment, being careful not to slip and fall. By the time they get there, they're both soaking wet. Dean has them put down their backpacks and takeout in the living room before kicking his boots off and telling Castiel to follow him. 

Castiel wanders into Dean's bedroom behind him and is greeted with Dean rustling through one of his clothes drawers and pulling out a shirt and sweatpants. "Here, you can change into these. The shirt's a little small on me too so it'll hopefully fit better." Dean says, and Castiel smiles, taking them from Dean.

"Thank you." 

"No problem. The bathroom's just in there." Dean says, and Castiel nods, walking into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. A quick glance around shows the bath that Castiel forgot about. It may be a little snug for the two of them to fit in there but they'll make it work, Castiel thinks before quickly chastising himself. 

He quickly changes into Dean's clothes, wiping himself down with his semi-dry shirt the best he can before stepping back out into Dean's bedroom. Dean's already changed into his own shirt and sweatpants and he's sitting on his bed with his laptop out in front of him. Dean's eyes widen a little at the sight of Castiel and he clears his throat awkwardly. 

"You look nice." Dean says, pushing himself off of his bed. 

"Nice?" Castiel says, a small knowing smile on his face. Dean rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, okay. You know you look fucking hot in my clothes." Dean says, and despite knowing that's what was coming, Castiel blushes anyway, looking down at the floor. Dean clears his throat again. "We should...watch a movie. You - ah get the food, I'll hang our clothes out and then we'll...watch a movie." 

Castiel smiles to himself at Dean's mumbling but doesn't say anything when he hands his clothes over to Dean. Castiel finds the drawer with the cutlery on the first try and pulls two forks out. He takes a few to find the ones with the bowls, pulling them out and scraping the food from the containers into each of them. Castiel walks back out into the hallway to find Dean hanging their clothes up on a little rack at the end near the second bathroom. Dean seems to be taking his time to make sure it's all done neatly and their not just thrown over each other. The corner of Castiel's lips quirk up. 

A minute or so later, he's joining Castiel under the covers on his bed and pulling the laptop up between them, pressing play on the movie.

"So what're we watching?" Castiel asks, as he hands Dean's bowl over. 

"The first movie in the greatest superhero trilogy of all time. Batman Begins. In honour of the shirt you bought me." Castiel shakes his head at Dean's dramatic voice.

"Well, I've never seen it before so - "

"What!" 

Dean's lecture thankfully only lasts a minute because the movie starts and he's apparently not pausing it. Castiel just laughs at him. 

The movie is good although Castiel finds he can't pay one hundred percent attention with Dean sitting beside him. Dean puts Castiel's bowl on his bedside table along with his own once he's done. Castiel doesn't hesitate in snuggling closer to Dean, Dean moving the laptop to sit on their legs before throwing an arm around Castiel, his fingers running up and down Castiel's side. He definitely can't concentrate for a few minutes after that. But finally Dean's hand stills and Castiel is able to enjoy the movie.

"Alright, did you like that?" Dean asks, as the credits roll. 

"Yes, I very much enjoyed it." Castiel says, honestly. I enjoyed it even more because you were with me, comes as an afterthought.

"Good. So, you feel a bit better now?" Dean asks, closing his laptop and placing it in one of his bedside drawers.

"Yes, I do. Thank you, Dean. I'm sorry about before." 

"Don't be sorry, Cas." Dean responds, immediately. "I want you to tell me these things so I can help you, okay? You know I hate seeing you like that." Castiel feels warmth at Dean's words but he still can't help but feel vaguely guilty about it. 

"I know, Dean. Thank you." Castiel says, finally noticing that Dean has his hands tapping away on his lap. 

"No problem." Dean says, glancing at him for a moment with a smile before looking straight ahead of him. Castiel feels a different kind of warmth fill him now.

"You can kiss me if you want." Castiel says, making Dean's head whip around. 

"Yeah?"

"Yes, Dean." Castiel feels his stomach tighten. He knows what he wants to happen next. And he shouldn't be nervous but it's been a while since they last did this. Weeks. Dean's breaths are already louder than usual as he leans over slowly, one hand coming up to cradle Castiel's face. Some of the tension in his body drains out when Dean's lips finally meet his own. The kiss stays slow and gentle for a little while, as though they're trying to map out each other's mouths. Eventually though, Dean pushes a little more against Castiel, his hand running through Castiel's hair as Castiel reaches out for Dean's shirt and pulls his body down on top of him. 

Castiel feels Dean's hard on as soon as Dean's body meets his own but Dean immediately pulls away before he can do anything more. "Fuck, sorry. I'll go deal with this." Dean says, making a move to climb off the bed but Castiel pulls him back. They've waited long enough.

"No. I want you to fuck me." Castiel says, his voice rougher than before. Castiel can see Dean's pupils dilate. 

"Are you sure?" Dean asks. Castiel pushes at Dean so that he's sitting with his back against the pillows and Castiel climbs onto his lap. Dean licks his lips. 

"I'm sure." Castiel says, and this time when they kiss it's rough and messy and Castiel really is starving for it. Dean's hands are quick to pull at the hem of Castiel's shirt, pulling it up and over his head before returning them to run all over Castiel's upper body. Castiel gasps when Dean's fingers find his nipples, rubbing and pinching them and making Castiel's cock fill. Castiel pulls at Dean's own shirt, waiting impatiently for Dean to finally lift his arms and throw it off the side of the bed.

"Fuck, I've missed this, baby. Been dreaming about you every day since I got you back." Dean says, voice already wrecked. His hands move down Castiel's body and slide under his sweatpants and over the curve of his ass as Castiel's hands smooth over Dean's chest. Dean groans. "God, Cas. Your ass is so fucking perfect. You been keeping it full with those toys of yours?" 

Castiel just gives Dean a cheeky smile before attacking his lips again and grinding down onto Dean's hard cock. Dean's fingers slide in between his asscheeks and massage around his hole. Castiel can feel the precome that dribbles out of his cock. "Shit, baby. We need to get these off." Dean says, pushing Castiel's sweatpants down over his ass. Castiel quickly gets up on his knees and awkwardly shuffles out of them with Dean's help.

"Lube?" Castiel asks, and Dean points to his bedside table. 

"Bottom drawer." Castiel scrambles across to the side of the bed and pulls the bottom drawer open, fumbling around until he finds it. When he turns back, Dean's already kicked off his own sweatpants and he's waiting there with a hand leisurely stroking his leaking cock. Castiel's mouth salivates as he hands the lube over to Dean and straddles his lap again.

Dean pours some on his fingers and rubs them together before wrapping an arm around Castiel and finding his hole. Castiel hisses at the cool touch but it's quickly overtaken by a moan when a finger finally enters him. "So tight, baby. Fuck, so tight for me." Dean mumbles, before he pumps his finger in and out of Castiel, his other arm wrapping around Castiel's back. The heat in Castiel's belly grows and he clutches onto Dean's shoulders to hold himself up as a second finger enters him.

"You missed this, baby? Missed my fingers pumping into you? My big cock fucking into you?" Dean says, and Castiel whines. 

"Yes, Dean. _Ah_ \- fuck. Yes, Dean, I've missed you." Castiel says, grinding down hard when a third finger enters into him and begins pumping in and out, stretching him open. 

"That's what I like to hear." Dean says, leaning forward to smash their lips together, Dean's tongue pushing inside. Castiel fucks himself up and down on Dean's fingers until Dean finally pulls them out. Castiel's stomach muscles clench at the sight of Dean lubing up his cock. 

"You ready, Cas? God, I wanna be in you so bad." Dean says, and Castiel nods, raising himself up on his knees and reaching a hand behind him to grab Dean's cock before slowly sinking down on it. They both let out low moans when Castiel bottoms out.

"Fuck, oh fuck." Dean mumbles, as Castiel takes a few deep breaths. Dean plants his feet on the bed, tilting Castiel towards him slightly and is about to thrust up when Castiel stops him.

"Wait. Wait, just - take it slow." _Make love to me._ Dean's chest is heaving and his pupils are dilated but his face softens at Castiel's words.

"'Course, baby. I'll take care of you." Dean says, before slowly rocking his hips up and down. Castiel smiles, resting their foreheads together and meeting Dean's thrusts. Dean's hands run up and down Castiel's side and Castiel's rest on Dean's chest. 

"Mm, fuck, Dean." Castiel swears, when Dean's cock finds his prostate. Dean continues to stay at the same pace though, his mouth moving forward to find one of Castiel's nipples. Castiel whimpers, his hands gripping tighter onto Dean's shoulders as Dean's tongue flicks over it and more precome leaks out of his cock. Castiel lets out little breathy moans every time Dean hits his prostate, his thighs burning at the effort of raising himself up and down on Dean's cock.

Castiel whines when one of Dean's hands finally reaches down and strokes his own cock. He knows better than to try and touch it himself. Dean strokes it slowly, pressing his thumb into the slit and spreading the precome all over the head as his lips move up to mouth at Castiel's jaw. They stay like that for what seems like forever. The heat in Castiel's stomach is growing and growing and finally Castiel needs more.

"Fuck, Dean. Please, let me come. Make me come." Castiel says, and Dean leans his head back to meet Castiel's eyes. There's a silent question there and Castiel nods. Dean's hands both move to clutch at his hips and suddenly Dean's thrusting up into Castiel as fast as he can.

Castiel doesn't hold back, letting out loud 'uh, uh, uh's as Dean fucks into him. "God, you're - so fucking beautiful, Cas. So fucking beautiful. Mean so much to me. Mean everything to me." Dean says, and Castiel's eyes flutter closed. 

"Fuck, I love - I love you - _fuck_ , Dean - " Dean's thrusts lose their rhythm and Castiel's eyes snap open to see Dean's eyes wide and his mouth parted. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Dean looks like he's about to say something but he just thrusts up even harder into Castiel, knocking him further forward and making his eyes fall closed again. Suddenly there's a hand on his cock and it strokes one, two, three and Castiel's coming all over Dean's chest with a cry. Dean strokes him through it before placing his hand back on Castiel's hip and just using him to finish himself off. Castiel arms are shaking when Dean swears and finally comes inside of him. 

Castiel collapses against Dean's chest, not caring that he's landing in his own come. Castiel's head rests against Dean's shoulder as Dean's arms wrap around his back. They lie in the after glow for a minute but Castiel can't relax. He can feel the tension in the air. Fuck, it just slipped out. 

"Well..." Dean starts, and Castiel's chest constricts. "I fucking missed that." Castiel practically deflates against Dean's chest. Dean chuckles suddenly. "I also missed fucking that." Castiel can't help but laugh too, finally lifting his head up to meet Dean's eyes. There's no sign of him remembering what Castiel said only a minute or so ago so Castiel lets it drift away to the back of his mind. 

"I missed that too." Castiel says, earning himself a wet kiss from Dean. 

"So, are you a _lot_  better now?" Dean asks, with a smile. 

"Yes, Dean. Much, much better." Castiel says, returning the smile. 

"Good. Now why don't you get comfortable and I'll go get something to clean up this mess." Dean says, and Castiel climbs off of Dean and settles onto the bed. Dean jumps off of it and takes one step towards the bathroom before spinning back around. "That's if you, you know, want to stay the night because you don't have to if you - "

"Trust me, Dean. I want to." Dean's face fills with relief and he nods before turning again and walking into the bathroom. Castiel grabs the lube and shuffles over to the edge of the bed and puts it back in the bottom drawer just as Dean comes out with a washcloth, himself already cleaned of his own and Castiel's come. Dean quickly does Castiel, throwing it into a dirty clothes basket when he's done.

"Which clothes do you want?" Dean asks, picking up his own boxers and pulling them on. 

"Could you check if my boxers are dry?" Castiel asks, pulling the covers out and snuggling underneath them. Dean shakes his head with a smile.

"'Course." he says, before strolling out of the room. Castiel relaxes back into the pillows as he waits. "All dry." Dean grins, throwing them at Castiel for him to put them on. Once Castiel's done, Dean hops onto the bed and pulls the covers up and over himself. 

"So..." Dean starts, staring at Castiel.

"Thank you, Dean." 

"For what?"

"For tonight. For being there for me." Castiel says. Dean probably doesn't know how much it means to Castiel. Because Castiel usually keeps his problems to himself and tries to deflect anyone who tries to help him but tonight...Dean saw through all of it. He was there.

"I'll never turn my back on you again, Cas. I promise." Dean says, and Castiel's heart pounds a little bit faster in his chest. "I - " Dean pauses, biting his lip before surging forward and capturing Castiel's lips again. It's different from the others. Not rough or messy. Slow or gentle. It's passionate and full of - of - 

Dean pulls away, letting out a deep breath. "I promise." he whispers, and Castiel smiles.

"Goodnight, Dean." Castiel says, staring at him for a moment before turning over. There's a click and the light goes off above them. An arm immediately wraps around him after that and Castiel is pulled back against Dean's chest. 

"Night, Cas." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter and leave a comment below and let me know what you think! I adore all of them! Also if you see any massive typos - please let me know so I can change it right away! I hope your week is wonderful! Love you guys! <3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	16. Chapter 16

Castiel wakes to the feeling of a hand brushing down his stomach. It's warm and soothing and almost makes him doze back to sleep. But instead, he blinks his eyes open and turns his body as much as he can with Dean still pressed up behind him. Dean's up on one elbow, his other arm lazily thrown over Castiel where his hand continues it's ministrations. Dean smiles.

"Morning, beautiful." Dean says, and Castiel smiles back.

"Good morning, handsome." Castiel replies, and Dean's eyes widen.

"Oh, really? I'm handsome now, am I?" Dean grins leaning down to kiss the underside of Castiel's jaw. He giggles when Dean presses his lips to the tip of his nose before finally moving down and planting one on Castiel's lips. Castiel hums into the kiss and feels Dean smile against him. Dean pulls away and sighs, shuffling over slightly so that Castiel can lie down on his back. When he glances back up at Dean, there's a wondrous look in his eye.

"What?" Castiel asks, and Dean shakes his head.

"Nothing. Just thinking." he responds, tracing lines down Castiel's side. Castiel narrows his eyes.

"About what?" Dean's hand stops. "You know you can tell me anything, right?" Castiel says, raising a hand up to caress the side of Dean's face. Dean smiles, grabbing Castiel's hand and kissing his palm.

"I was just thinking about how even after everything - you're here. In my bed. Lying beside me. Kinda like a dream come true." Dean says, and Castiel smiles, burying his face into Dean's chest. "It's fucking sappy, I know, but...I guess, I just never thought this would happen. Especially not after what I did." Castiel looks up, meeting Dean's fond eyes. "Just...thank you. For giving me another chance."

"Well, I'm glad I did." Castiel says, and Dean smiles, leaning forward to give him a kiss. Dean's hand is just moving down Castiel's thigh when Castiel's stomach grumbles. Dean laughs, lifting his head.

"Pancakes?"

Castiel laughs back. "That would be nice." 

Dean grins, kissing him once more before jumping up off the bed. "Pancakes it is, then." he says, pulling his boxers down and stepping out of them. Castiel whistles and Dean turns.

"Admiring the view?" Dean says, digging through his clothes drawer. 

"Maybe." Castiel replies, shuffling over and sitting on the edge of the bed. 

"Ha! I have an even better one." Dean pulls out a pair of boxers and steps into them before turning to face Castiel and flexing his muscles. The famous Batman boxer briefs. Castiel laughs.

"They look good on you." he says.

"You think so?" Dean responds, winking at Castiel. Castiel pushes himself off of the bed and walks over.

"I do." Castiel says, leaning up to give Dean a kiss before grabbing the first shirt that he sees on the floor and pulling it over his head. Dean digs through his drawer again and pulls out the Batman shirt Castiel gave him. Castiel smiles.

"Can't have one without the other, Cas." Dean says, pulling it on. 

"Alright," Castiel starts, grabbing Dean by his shirt and leading him out of the room. "I'm hungry. Let's go make pancakes." 

"Oh, baby. I love it when you get all demanding." Dean says, making Castiel roll his eyes.

"Hmm, I'm sure you do." Castiel says, coming to a stop in the kitchen. "It really shows in the bedroom."

"Yeah, it does." Dean responds, smacking Castiel on the ass. Castiel shakes his head. "Okay, let's get started."

Dean does his best to teach Castiel how to flip a pancake but it seems that it's easier said then done and once Castiel's first pancake splatters all over the floor, they decide it's best that Dean does the rest. Castiel doesn't mind though. He likes watching Dean in the kitchen. Dean's always seems so relaxed whenever he's cooking. And of course, the pancakes end up being amazing. So much better than the ones he once tried in his dorm's kitchen. 

"Dean?" Castiel asks, scrubbing Dean's plate in the sink. Castiel had offered to clean up again of course because there was no way Dean was going to do all the work.

"Yes, gorgeous." Dean says, drying the pan beside him. Castiel's lips quirk up slightly at the endearment. It's something he'll never get used to. 

"Would you mind if I stay for a little bit?" Castiel says, handing the plate over to Dean and draining the water from the sink. 

"'Course. You know I love having you here." Dean replies, nudging Castiel before putting the last plate away.

"Thank you, Dean." Castiel says, turning and walking out of the kitchen to where they put their backpacks last night, Dean following behind. "I just want to get some study done before I get to class."

"You're actually studying?" Dean says, incredulously. 

"Yes. Why? Is that weird?" Castiel asks, pulling the books out of his bag that he still had in there from a class yesterday. He doesn't have one of the textbooks he needs but it'll have to do for now. He purposely doesn't grab his glasses out. He can deal with that for now. 

"Well, I never see you actually doing it. You're always reading a book or something." Dean says, as Castiel sits down at the bench. 

"That's because I usually do my studying at my dorm."

"You study a fuck tonne, don't you?" Dean says, sitting down on the stool next to Castiel, his back to the bench.

"Yes, Dean. I study a fuck tonne. Is that a bad thing?" Castiel says, pulling his eyebrows together.

"No, it's just a bonus, I guess, You know, that my boyfriend is super fucking smart." Castiel smiles.

"Well, my boyfriend is super smart too." Castiel says, and Dean scoffs beside him. Castiel's smile fades.

"Oh, c'mon. We all know that's not true." Dean responds, not looking at him. Castiel frowns.

"Well, last I heard from Sam, you were doing well on all of your college exams."

"So that's what you've been talking about." Dean says, and there's slight bitterness in his voice. 

"No, we've talked about a lot of things." Castiel replies.

"Yeah, well, doesn't matter. I failed classes in high school." 

"You failed one class." Castiel says, and he doesn't understand why Dean's so adamant about making himself out to be stupid. Castiel couldn't care less anyway about whether or not Dean passed or failed classes in high school. But Dean seems to be rather insecure about it. 

Dean finally turns to him. "How do you know that?" 

"I pay attention too, you know." Dean stares at him a moment before shrugging.

"Okay but I still only _just_ passed my other subjects. That doesn't exactly mean I'm smart." Castiel bites his lip, looking down at his books. Why is Dean doing this? He hates it.

"Maybe that had to do with the fact that you were barely there and when you were there you weren't paying attention and now that I know about your home life at that point in time, I can understand why but now that you're in college, you've actually tried and look how well you've done." Castiel says, letting out a deep breath once he's finished. "So in conclusion, Dean Winchester is my fucking smart boyfriend. Case closed."

A few moments of silence pass when all Castiel can feel is Dean's eyes boring into him. But a moment later, Dean's hands are on either side of his face and lips are smashing into his own with force. Castiel's eyes flutter closed, one hand gripping the edge of the bench and the other coming up to grab at Dean's arm. 

Dean finally pulls away and Castiel sees a smile on his face. "Thanks, Cas." he says, his voice sincere as ever. Castiel nods, a small smile on his lips. Dean kisses him on the forehead before sliding off his stool and moving over to the couch. Castiel's gaze lingers on him for a few seconds before he turns back to his books.

An hour passes in almost complete silence. Castiel has his head in his textbooks studying for most of it, occasionally turning his head to look at Dean when he needs a moment to think. Dean's watching a football match on his television, feet up and volume low. Just like the library, Castiel catches Dean already looking at him a few times but they only smile at each other before turning back to what they were doing. Unfortunately, the time goes by too quickly.

"Alright, I have to go, Dean." Castiel says, shoving his books and pens into his backpack.

"Now?" Dean says, looking up from the couch. 

"Yes. Now." Castiel says, smiling at the frown on Dean's face. Castiel walks down the end of the hallway to where his clothes are still hanging on the rack. Castiel grabs his jeans and pulls them on, doing up the zipper and button when a pair of arms slip around him. 

"C'mon, Cas. Can't you stay for a few more minutes." Dean says, undoing the button that Castiel just did up. Castiel huffs, pulling Dean's shirt off and over his head as best he can with Dean's arms still around him. 

"Sorry, Dean, I can't. I need to go back to my dorm first before I get to class." Castiel says, wrestling his own shirt over his head.

"But you can be late. You're probably already acing everything." Dean says, as he pushes a hand into Castiel's pants.

" _Dean_." Castiel says, grabbing Dean's hand and pulling it out. 

" _Cas_." Dean whines, pouting when Castiel turns around. 

"Fine, I'll make you a deal." Castiel says, grabbing his sweater and pulling it over his head. 

Dean wiggles his eyebrows. "Like a sexy kinda deal."

Castiel shakes his head with a smile, pulling his socks on one by one. "Yes, Dean. A sexy kind of deal."

"I'm listening." Dean says, with a smirk. 

"If you let me go now," Castiel starts, grabbing his jacket and shrugging it on before walking over to where his shoes are beside the door. "the next time we have sex, you can do whatever you want with me." he finishes, shoving his feet into his shoes, not even bothering with untying the laces. 

"Well, fuck, Cas. You've got a deal." Dean says, and Castiel smiles, quickly doing up the button on his pants. He picks up his backpack and heads for the door. 

"Yeah, I already knew that." Castiel says, pulling Dean in for a quick kiss before he's opening the door and walking away. 

"Arrogant fucker!" Dean yells, and Castiel turns and gives him the finger. Dean laughs and Castiel does too.

***

Castiel lies back on Anna's couch. "We had sex."

"What!" Castiel laughs. "When did this happen?" Anna asks, eyes wide.

"Last night. And it wasn't like how we usually have sex, it was slower and we fell asleep after and it was really, really nice." Castiel says, sighing. 

"All I got from that was that you usually have rough sex." Anna says, shrivelling up her nose.

"Hmm?" Anna shakes her head. Castiel chuckles. "Sorry. A bit too much information."

"Still not as bad as Gabe." 

"That's true."

"So...how did that transpire?" Anna asks, and Castiel huffs, when he thinks back to what happened at the library.

"Well, it's kind of hard to explain but I was a little self conscious, we had a fight, I cried in front of a bunch of people, he took me home, we watched a movie, had takeout and then we had sex." 

"Wow. That sounds...pretty crazy." Castiel nods.

"Yeah, it was. Worth it, though." 

"What? The sex was that good?" Anna asks, raising her eyebrows.

"No, not just the sex. Everything. He was just - he's nice." Castiel says, pausing for a moment to think about yesterday. Dean somehow made all of his insecurities go away, even if it was only for the night. "Although, the sex was really good." Anna laughs, punching him in the arm. 

"He is kind of a sweet." Anna says, and Castiel raises his eyebrows. "Oh, please. Not in general. I just meant he's sweet to you. At least when I've seen you two together. He must love you a lot." 

Castiel freezes at that, remembering what he'd said last night. "Actually, there's another thing I wanted to tell you about." Castiel says, hesitantly.

"Why does this sound like a bad thing? What the fuck did he do to you?" 

"No, he did nothing, it's just...I sort of told him I loved him."  

"Holy shit." 

"Yeah."

"Well? What'd he say?" Anna asks, and Castiel sighs.

"He didn't say anything." Castiel says, sitting up.

"What? How can he not say anything?" Anna responds, shuffling across the couch. 

"We were kind of in the middle of having sex." 

"Oh." Anna says, leaning back against the couch. A moment passes. "Do you think he heard you say it?" 

"I'm pretty sure he did." Castiel says, remembering the way Dean nearly stopped altogether and the way he was looking at him. "But he didn't say anything after so maybe he forgot." Something doesn't sit right in his stomach as the words come out of his mouth. Would Dean really forget something like that?

"Maybe." A beat. " _Do_ you love him?" Anna asks, and Castiel whips his head around to meet her eyes. Castiel swallows.

"I..." Castiel hesitates. "Yeah, I do." Castiel breathes out and for some reason he feels like he's taken weight off of his shoulders. Anna gives him a small smile. 

"Well, he might not of said it to you but the way he looks at you...he loves you, Cas. You have nothing to worry about." Anna says, and Castiel feels a small wave of relief wash over him. But it doesn't last long.

Castiel walks home with doubts in his mind. What if Dean doesn't love him? Castiel shakes his head. He's being ridiculous. 

***

A day later, Castiel finds himself running past the football field. He stops when he spies a familiar figure standing on the sideline, all geared up and shouting at the other players to try and make them screw up. Castiel shakes his head and wanders over to the fence. He swings his legs over it and sits just as he sees someone nudge Dean and point towards Castiel. 

Dean pulls his helmet off and drops it to the ground before running over to him. Castiel smiles, parting his legs for Dean to stand.

"Hey, Cas." Dean says, not hesitating in planting a quick kiss on his lips.

"Hello, Dean. How has your day been?" Castiel asks, watching as Dean places his hands on the fence either side of Castiel.

"Alright. Better now that I'm with you." Dean says, grinning and making Castiel's lips quirk up ever so slightly. "How 'bout you?"

"Better now that I'm with you." Castiel responds, and Dean chuckles.

"How do I look?" Dean asks, winking at Castiel. Castiel laughs.

"Ridiculous."

"What?" Dean says, jaw dropping. "You don't think I look hot in this?" 

"No. I think you look ridiculous." Castiel says, and it's true. He's never understood how anyone can think someone looks good in football gear. 

"Well, I don't know about you, Cas but this is kinda a deal breaker for me." Castiel punches Dean in the arm before he can smirk any longer. "So..."

"So..." Castiel continues, raising his eyebrows at Dean. Dean glances over his shoulder once before looking back at Castiel.

"I'm kinda having a party at my place tonight with a few friends and whatnot and I was wondering if you wanted to come?" Dean asks, and Castiel's heart sinks a little.

"Um...I don't know, Dean. I'm not really great at parties." Castiel says, looking down to where his hands are resting next to his thighs on the fence. 

"C'mon, Cas. I'lll be there. And I wanna introduce you to everyone." Dean replies, dipping his head to catch Castiel's eyes. Castiel sighs. He supposes he could do it for Dean.

"Fine. But don't expect me to impress anyone." Castiel says, and Dean smiles.

"Don't worry about it. One look at you and they'll be impressed." Castiel rolls his eyes but smiles anyway. A few moments pass before Dean speaks again, leaning as close in to Castiel as he can. "I actually have one more request." Dean says, his voice lower than before. A shiver runs down Castiel's spine. 

"Do you now?" Castiel responds, raising his eyebrows. 

"I was wondering if you wanted to bring a few things over...for, you know, later." Dean says, winking at him. Castiel chuckles.

"I have some sort of feeling that this is about a certain deal." 

"You bet your fucking perfect ass it is." Dean says, his arms wrapping around Castiel's waist.

"So what are these few things?"

"Well, first I want you to bring your glasses." Dean says, and Castiel bites his lip, looking away. "Or, you know, you could just wear them over." There's a pang in Castiel's chest. The ache of being reminded how little self esteem he has. But he knows how much Dean loves them. 

"I'll see." Castiel mumbles, and Dean gives him a small smile. 

"Whatever you want to do, Cas. I just thought I'd ask." Dean says, and Castiel thinks back to what Anna said. He is kind of sweet. Well, not kind of. He's really sweet. Castiel gives him a small smile back to reassure him that it's okay. "Alright. Now to the fun part. You bring that big fucking vibrator. You got that?"

Castiel laughs, blushing but nods. "I will." he responds, and it's ridiculous. Because he'd rather bring a fucking vibrator than his stupid glasses. 

"Good." Dean says, leaning forward to plant his lips on Castiel's cheek. "You know..." Dean leans back slightly to look at Castiel. "It's kind of dangerous sitting on the fence like this."

Castiel raises an eyebrow. "Really? For who? A five year ol - _Dean!"_ Castiel yelps, as Dean pushes him backwards. He doesn't fall very far. Dean arm's grab onto him an instant after they push him but _still_. "You fucking asshole." Castiel says, as Dean pulls him back up, laughing with a smug look on his face.

"Your _beautiful_  asshole."

"I thought you said it sounded like a porno." Castiel says, shoving Dean in the chest as soon as he's off the fence. Dean grins, like he didn't even notice it.

"I kinda like it." 

Castiel shakes his head. "Whatever. You're still an asshole." 

"Sure am." Dean says, cradling Castiel's face with both hands before giving him a slow kiss. 

"Shouldn't you be getting back to training?" Castiel asks, when they finally pull away. 

"Nah. I'm not even doing anything. Rufus has me on the sidelines because he's still worried about my stupid hand." Dean says, just as they hear Rufus' booming voice.

"Winchester! Get your ass back over here right now!"

Castiel laughs. "Looks like you are needed." 

"Pfft. He didn't even notice I was gone until then." Dean says, and Castiel crosses his arms. "Fine. Fine, I'll go back and stand on the sidelines. So, I'll see you later?"

"I guess you'll just have to wait and see." Castiel says, jumping over the other side of the fence.

Dean smiles and shakes his head before turning and running back towards his teammates. 

***

Dean texted him saying the party started at nine. Now it's five past nine and Castiel's still sitting on the edge of his bed, contemplating whether this is a good idea or not. Fuck. Why is he so nervous? He shouldn't be this nervous about a stupid party. But all of Dean's friends are going to be there and there's also the part where Dean wants to introduce him to everyone. Castiel rests his head in his hands. He's a fucking nerdy guy. How's he supposed to make them like him? At least when Dean met Castiel's friends, there were only two of them. Who knows how many friends Dean has. 

Castiel groans. He looks up at his alarm clock. Seven past nine. He groans again. He's going to be fucking thirty minutes late too. How's that for an introduction. Castiel lets out a deep breath and pushes himself off the bed. He grabs his backpack, which has the vibrator and few things including clothes, assuming that Dean wants him to stay over, and pulls it on. Castiel nearly steps out into the hallway when he remembers something.

He turns, staring at the glasses that sit on his bedside table. "Fuck." Castiel whispers, before walking back in, grabbing them and putting them on. He'll do it for Dean because lately Dean's been doing a lot for him and it's the least Castiel can do. Castiel sighs, running a hand through his hair and closing the door behind him.

He can totally do this.

***

Castiel knocks on the door loudly and probably far more times than necessary. But it's loud inside Dean's apartment and his heart is racing a little faster than usual. The door swings open and Castiel looks up to the face of Benny Lafitte. 

"The famous Castiel Novak. I'm Benny. Nice to meet you, brother." Benny says, holding his hand out. Castiel raises his eyebrows.

"Famous?" Castiel replies, taking Benny's hand and shaking it.

"Oh, Dean never stops talking about you." 

"Really?" Castiel asks, not knowing what to think about that. Dean talks about him? To his friends?

"Really." A moment passes where Castiel just stares at him with slight disbelief on his face. Benny laughs. "Come on in and see for yourself." he says, stepping aside to let Castiel pass.

"Thank you." The apartment is nearly full. Well, it's not exactly the largest space, so there mustn't be too many people there but it still makes Castiel's hands sweaty.

"Hey, chief! I have a little something for you!" Benny shouts over the music, as they make their way past some people and into the living room. Castiel spots Dean just as Dean spots him. Castiel feels a little sense of relief as he watches Dean jump up from the couch and nearly run straight into him. Castiel's sense of relief diminishes when Dean grabs either side of his face and pulls him in for a rough kiss. Castiel feels his cheeks heat up as shouts and whistles erupt around them. 

"You wore your glasses. God, so fucking beautiful." Dean says, and Castiel doesn't even need to smell his breath to know he's already had a few drinks. Castiel gives him a small smile.

"Sorry I'm late." Castiel responds, raising his voice for Dean to him over the music. 

"Don't worry about it, baby. You're here now, aren't you?" Dean grins before turning. "Hey, fuckers!" Dean yells, and Castiel immediately feels too many eyes on him. "I want you to meet somebody. This is Cas. And any o'you hurt him - I'll knock your fucking teeth out!" Castiel widens his eyes but there's only cheers from Dean's friends and the raising of beers. Dean wraps an arm around Castiel's waist and leans onto him. "Here. Come sit down."

Castiel can only nod as Dean leads him through to the couch, a few hands clapping him on the back as he goes. Luckily, Castiel wedges into the corner of the couch, Dean next to him, his arm around Castiel's shoulders. Castiel places his backpack down beside his feet before looking back up at the people in front of him.

"Alright, so there are some people that I actually want you to meet meet not just yell out who you are meet." Dean says, and Castiel smiles. Dean stares at him. "What?"

Castiel shakes his head. "Nothing. You're just...I didn't think you would be so vocal about, you know, us. Considering everything." Castiel says, and Dean gives him a strange look, his mouth open in a half smile.

"Well, I got nothing to hide anymore. And I mean...you're you. How could I not show off that?" Dean says. Castiel bites his lip. Dean laughs, planting a wet kiss on his cheek. A few people shout out around them and they both look up to see Dean's friends taking swigs of their beer. Castiel turns to Dean but he just looks confused. 

"Just playing a drinking game, man." Michael chirps up from the other side of the couch. "Every time you kiss him, stare at him without saying anything for more than five seconds or say your the luckiest guy in the world, we take a swig." Castiel's eyes widen. Does Dean do that a lot?

Dean laughs, whacking him in the chest. "Dickhead. You're just jealous my boyfriend's the most fucking beautiful - " Another eruption of shouts go up and his friends all take a swig. "What? That wasn't one!" Castiel chuckles lightly beside Dean and sinks back into the couch. 

"Sorry, bro. You telling us your boyfriend is beautiful is one of 'em." Michael responds. Dean flips him the finger before turning back to Cas.

"Whatever. Anyways, I'm pretty sure I was talking to you about somethin'." Dean says, and Castiel nods.

"You were going to introduce me to some of your friends." Castiel replies.

"Oh, yeah. 'Course. Uh - this is Benny." Dean says, pointing over to where Benny is leaning against the counter. "He's wise as shit. Don't look it, though."

"Fuck you." Benny says, and his friends laugh around him. Castiel feels so out of place. He's not used to being the centre of so many people's attention. At least Dean's friends seem nice. But who knows? They're probably already judging him. 

"That's Garth. He has a fucking house boat. Don't know how the fuck he got that but he fucking got one." Dean says, continuing on. Castiel manages to nod and smile at all of them. Fortunately though, the introduction goes by quickly and Dean and his friends move on to talking about something else.

Someone tapping Castiel on the shoulder, has him whipping his head around to see a beer being held out to him by Michael. "Oh, I'm fine, thank you." Castiel says.

"C'mon, man. Have a beer." Michael says, and Castiel knows he means well but he feels embarrassed. Castiel opens his mouth to decline again when Dean speaks up beside him. 

"I'll have another." Dean says, reaching across and grabbing it from Michael. Michael shrugs.

"Suit yourself." he says, walking back towards the kitchen. Dean nudges him and Castiel turns to meet his eyes. 

"You don't want a beer?" Dean asks, holding the beer out. Castiel shakes his head.

"I don't drink." Castiel replies. Dean raises his eyebrows.

"You don't drink?" Dean asks, and there's nothing in his voice except genuine wonder but Castiel still takes it like an insult. Because everyone fucking drinks. It's what normal people do. But Castiel's not fucking normal.

"I told you I'm not good at parties. This is one of the reasons why I didn't want to come." Castiel says, that fist squeezing around his heart again. 

"Fuck, Cas. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. And you know I didn't mean it in a bad way. I don't give a shit whether you fucking drink or not." Dean responds, squeezing Castiel's side.

"Your friends do."

"Oh, c'mon. My friends love you." 

"What makes you think that?" Castiel says, and Dean looks taken aback by the question. "Trust me they do. And even if they didn't, who gives a fuck? I like you and that's all that matters. Right?" I _like_ you. Castiel swallows before giving Dean a smile. 

"Right."

The next few hours go by slow. Castiel talks to a few of Dean's friends, talking about what they're doing at college and sometimes just talking about Dean. One especially, Victor, makes sure to tell him quite a few embarrassing ones as Dean tries to covers his ears. Castiel even notices that Dean stops drinking. After a while though, Castiel finds himself in his own thoughts, just staring out into space when he feels a hand on his thigh. 

Castiel turns his head to see Dean staring off in the other direction. Castiel stares at him for a few moments before turning back to where he was looking. Dean's hand moves further up his leg. Fuck. Castiel feels the heat pool in his belly. Dean's fingers start stroking up and down, his hand moving even further until it's nearly at his crotch. " _Dean_." Castiel hisses, his head turning to see Dean smirking at him. 

"What?" Dean asks, with that stupid fucking grin on his face. 

"Don't what me. Everyone's going to see." Castiel says, his hand covering Dean's own. Dean's grin doesn't leave his face.

"C'mon, baby. No one's gonna see. And by the look of your pants, I think we can both say this is turning you the fuck on." Dean says, and Castiel blushes. He doesn't need to look down to see the bulge in his pants. His pants get even tighter when Dean's hand moves up even slower. 

"Fuck, Dean. Stop. We can't do this here." Castiel says, and Dean stares at him, his pupils dilated.

"Take my hand off." Dean says, and Castiel's eyes widen. "C'mon. You want me to stop. Just take my hand off." Castiel's mouth starts to salivate. Dean's touch is something he can't deny right now. 

"Fuck." Castiel mumbles, as he pushes Dean's hand up and onto his crotch. Castiel's mouth hangs open and his eyes flutter closed.

"Fuck, Cas." Dean says, beside him and then there's a pair of lips on his and Dean's body is practically surging up onto his. "So fucking hot." Their kiss is wet and messy, tongues slipping in and out of each other's mouths. Castiel whimpers when Dean's thigh presses into his crotch.

"Shit. Have to have you now, Cas." Dean says, and suddenly he's gone. Castiel opens his eyes to see Dean standing up in front of him. 

"Alright, party's over! Get your asses out!" Dean shouts, earning him boos. Dean turns grabbing Castiel and pulling him up. Dean grabs his backpack and shoves it at Castiel's chest. "Go put that in my room." 

Castiel can only nod, Dean leaning in for another messy kiss before he's pushing Castiel towards his bedroom.

"Horny asshole!" Castiel hears someone yell, before everyone erupts in laughter. 

Castiel pushes his way to Dean's bedroom door, opening it and throwing his backpack onto the bed before walking back out. Dean's waving them all out, laughing at different things his friends throw his way. When everyone's finally gone, Dean shouts one last thing out the door before slamming it closed and turning the lock. He stares at it for a moment before turning to Castiel. 

Castiel swallows. There's only lust he can see in Dean's eyes. He feels like he could come in his pants right there. "As for you." Dean says, his voice rough and fuck, Dean's storming towards him looking like he's about to rip Castiel to pieces. Dean grabs hold of the lapels of Castiel's jacket and shoves him up against the nearest wall. Castiel lands with a thud, a whimper that turns into a whine when Dean grabs his crotch. Castiel bucks against it, their lips meeting roughly. Dean's teeth bite at his lips, his tongue pushing into Castiel's mouth and taking over. 

Castiel's chest heaves as Dean pushes Castiel's jacket off his shoulders and tugs it down. He doesn't even hesitate to grab the hem of Castiel's sweater and shirt, pulling them up and over in on go. Castiel pushes at Dean's own jacket, shoving it off his shoulders before wrapping his arms around Dean's neck, pulling him as close to his own body as he can. Dean's hands find their way behind Castiel's back when he arches up into Dean, their noses smashing together and Castiel's glasses skewing. 

Suddenly, Castiel's being turning around and Dean's pushing him backwards. Castiel only just has enough balance to stay upright as he walks backwards, holding onto Dean for dear life. Castiel's knees finally hit the edge of the bed and he falls down, Dean coming with him. 

"Fuck. Get these off." Dean says, pulling at Castiel's pants. Castiel shoves Dean's fumbling hands away, doing it himself and pushing them down his legs. He quickly kicks his shoes off, not bothering with his socks and pulls the jeans and his boxers down, throwing them away. Dean's already kicked off his own shoes and socks, pulling his shirt over his head and throwing it to the ground. Dean goes round to his bedside table and practically throws the lube at Castiel once he finds it. 

Castiel stares at it for a moment before looking up at Dean who's standing in front of him, his own jeans still on. Dean smirks.

"You're gonna give me a show, Cas." Dean says, and Castiel's whole face tinges pink. 

"You want me to - " Castiel says, holding his fingers up. Dean wiggles his eyebrows.

"Oh, fuck, yeah." Dean licks his lips, grabbing his own crotch. Castiel's pupils dilate at the sight of it and if his cock wasn't already fully hard, it is now.

"Shit. Yeah, I'll - fuck." Castiel mutters, getting up on his knees and grabbing the lube. The nervous butterflies are back from before, but this time there's about ten times more of them. Castiel fumbles with the cap of the lube, flicking it open and pouring some on his fingers. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Dean pulling his desk chair over to the edge of the bed and sitting down on it. 

Castiel rests one hand out in front of him on the bed and reaches around with the other. "Start slow." Dean says, and Castiel flicks his head over to see Dean massaging his crotch. Castiel licks his lips and nods. He closes his eyes, his chest heaving as he presses one lubed up finger to his rim. He circles it around for a moment before pushing it in slowly.

"Fuck, Cas. I didn't think you could get any fucking hotter but - _fuck_." Dean says, and Castiel gives him a small smile despite the knots in his stomach. Castiel slowly pumps his finger in and out, his brow creasing in concentration. He can feel the way Dean's eyes a boring holes into him, his glasses slipping down his nose ever so slightly. Castiel presses a second finger against his rim and pushes it in too. The small grunt coming from his side has Castiel beginning to gyrate his hips slowly as he pumps his fingers in and out.

Castiel groans. " _Dean_."

"Shit." Dean mutters, and after a few more moments of Castiel stretching himself, he adds a third, starting to gyrate his hips a little faster. He feels precome leaking out of his cock and only wishes for anything to relieve the pressure but he keeps his other hand steady on the mattress. He hears the zipper being undone on what must be his backpack and the blush spreads to his chest. "You ready?"

Castiel nods, jerkily. "Yeah. I'm ready." Castiel says, taking his fingers out of his ass and opening his eyes to see Dean holding his vibrator with a fucked out look on his face. Dean lubes it up for him, kneeling on the bed but still making sure he's facing Castiel's side so he can see the whole view. Castiel goes to take it out of his hand but Dean just pulls it out of his reach. 

"I'll hold it. You ride it like it's my fucking cock, yeah? Both hands on the bed." Dean says, making Castiel moan. Dean places it on the bed behind him and Castiel looks over his shoulder, one hand on the bed, the other on his ass as he sinks down onto the vibrator. "You good?" 

Castiel takes a few deep breaths before nodding and moving his hips. "Fuck, yeah, baby. Show me what you got." Castiel clenches his hands in the sheets in front of him and leans his head back, his glasses slipping back up his nose as he works his ass on the vibrator. The first touch of Dean's hand to his side sends a shot of heat throughout his body. Dean moves it down towards his ass and squeezes it in encouragement.

Castiel's mouth drops open when Dean places an open mouthed kiss to the side of his stomach, his tongue poking out to seemingly make it as wet as possible as Castiel speeds his hips up, his thighs burning as he does. "So beautiful. Every inch of you." Dean breathes against his skin, his hand moving up to the dip of Castiel's back. 

Castiel whimpers. " _Uh -_   _Dean, please_." Castiel pleads, opening his eyes and meeting Dean's. Dean stares back for a moment, Castiel's hips moving back and forth as fast as he can and finally Dean snaps. He pushes Castiel around, and Castiel watches over his shoulder as Dean undoes his pants and pulls his hard, leaking cock out. Castiel pulls the vibrator out and places it beside him as Dean slicks up his cock with lube. Suddenly an arm curls around Castiel's chest and pulls him off of his hands and upright against Dean. Castiel feels Dean's cock against his rim and sucks in a breath when Dean pushes it in.

"Fuck." Dean breathes out against his shoulder but Castiel can only relax for a second before Dean's thrusting into him. Dean's other hand grabs his jaw and pulls his head around as far as it goes so their lips can meet in a wet kiss. Castiel's panting heavily when they pull away, breathing into each other's mouths as Dean fucks into him. 

"God, Cas. You are the fucking hottest thing I've ever seen. Riding that fucking toy for me. With your fucking glasses." Dean growls, making Castiel's eyes roll back into his head as his hands grasp for Dean's sides. "Mine. Fucking mine. C'mon. Tell me, Cas." Dean builds up faster and rougher, punching noises out of Castiel on every thrust.

"Yours, Dean. _Uh_ \- _fuck_ \- I'm yours." Castiel says, and Dean fumbles for something behind him.

"Fuck, Cas. Yeah, you are." he says, and Castiel feels Dean hold something - the vibrator - against his cock and suddenly the vibrator is being turned on to the highest power and Castiel cries out, his eyes flying open as he comes hard. Castiel falls onto trembling arms when Dean's hands move to his hips. He holds himself up for as long as he can for Dean to fuck into him. Castiel's about to fall down when Dean shouts and he feels Dean come inside of him.

Castiel collapses onto the bed and an instant later it's black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I passed 100k words! This is honestly amazing for me because this started out as like a 3k one shot and look how far it's come. Thank you all for supporting me! <3
> 
> Anyways, I hope you like this chapter and leave a comment below and let me know what you think! I love reading them! Also if you see any massive typos - please let me know so I can change it right away! I hope your week is wonderful! Love you guys! <3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	17. Chapter 17

Castiel takes a few moments to realise he even fell asleep when his eyes open. Castiel blinks, running a hand over his face before pushing himself up onto his side and craning his head over his shoulder. Dean's not in bed. A glance down shows that Castiel has the blankets on Dean's bed pulled over him. And he's most certainly still naked under the sheets. Although, he can tell that Dean cleaned him up. And a glance at the bedside table shows his glasses sitting there. Castiel smiles. 

The door to the living room is half closed, the light still on and when Castiel listens hard enough he can hear Dean out there. Castiel wonders whether or not he should go out or just stay in bed until Dean gets back. Before he can even come to a decision, though, the door is opening all the way and Dean is stepping through in just a pair of boxers.

"Oh, hey. Didn't realise you were awake." Dean says, turning the light off in the living room and closing the door behind him. The room goes dark but Castiel can still make out Dean from the moonlight coming in through the gap in the curtains.

"I only just woke up. How long was I asleep for?" Castiel asks, moving over onto his back and watching as Dean slips under the covers and shuffles all the way over to him. 

"Not too long. Maybe twenty minutes." Dean says, lying on his back too, his hands resting on his stomach. Castiel's lips quirk up at the sight.

"What were you doing?" 

Dean yawns. "Just cleaning up out there."

"You didn't need any help?"

"Nah. It wasn't too bad. And, anyways, you kinda passed out. I wasn't gonna wake you up. " Dean says, finally turning his head to meet Castiel's eyes.

Castiel huffs. "I guess I was just really tired." Castiel responds, and Dean cocks an eyebrow.

"Or maybe the sex was just _really_ fucking good." Dean smirks, and Castiel chuckles, nudging Dean in the side with his elbow. "What? You gotta admit it. It was _fucking_ good."

"Fine. It was both that I was tired and that the sex was good." Castiel says, making Dean laugh in turn. 

"Whatever you say, nerd."

"Asshole." Castiel responds, smiling. Dean smiles back before looking back up at the ceiling. Castiel bites his lip. "Hey, Dean?"

"Yeah."

Castiel hesitates for a moment. "Do you think your friends like me?" 

"What? Well, yeah, 'course they do. Why do you keep asking that?" Dean says, and this time when Dean turns his head, it's Castiel that looks away. He shrugs.

"I don't know. I just - I guess I want your friends to like me." 

"Well, they do."

Castiel sighs, and feels as though he sinks a few inches deeper into the pillow. "Do they?" Castiel asks, and Dean pauses for a moment before replying. 

"What's got you so worried about this?" Dean asks, and Castiel shrugs again. "I mean, who cares anyway." Castiel scoffs.

"Oh, c'mon, Dean. Like you don't care, even a little, about whether Anna and Gabe like you or not?" Castiel looks over to Dean who huffs.

"Right. Yeah, I guess I do care a little bit. But either way I know that you like me. At least I hope so, and that's all that really matters, right?" Castiel stares at Dean for a little while before responding.

"I guess so." Dean smiles before turning on his side and looking down at Castiel. 

"How about you turn that big brain of yours off so we can go to sleep." Castiel chuckles.

"I'll try my best." Castiel says, turning over onto his stomach. "And just letting you know, I'm still naked under here. You know, in case that puts you off."

"Oh, yeah. Really puts me off." Dean says, smoothing a hand over Castiel's ass before bringing his leg up on top of Castiel and throwing an arm over his back.

"I'm not a tree, Dean." Castiel mumbles, half into the pillow.

"Shut up and go to sleep." Dean says. Castiel grunts in response.

***  

The next time Castiel wakes, there's light streaming in through the curtains. But once again, Dean's not in the bed. Castiel slumps into the pillow. He likes it when he wakes up with Dean beside him. Castiel lets out a deep sigh before pushing himself up from the bed. It's actually a lot warmer inside Dean's apartment then he thought it would be, thanks to the heaters Castiel has noticed in his bedroom and in the living room. 

Castiel looks around for his clothes on the floor only to realise that he's pretty sure half of his clothes are stranded out in the living room where they'd hurriedly pulled them off last night. However, Castiel does find his boxers lying next to his backpack, a small stain on the front. Castiel shrivels up his nose. They'll have to do, he thinks as he pulls them on. He shoves off his socks and puts his glasses carefully back in it's case. 

Castiel then wonders over to Dean's chest of drawers, pulling one out and grabbing the first shirt he finds. It's a tiny bit big on him but once again, it'll have to do. 

"Dean?" Castiel calls out, as he wonders into the living room. 

"Kitchen." Dean calls back, and Castiel notices his clothes piled up neatly on the couch. "I'm making some coffee. You want some?" Dean turns just as Castiel walks into the kitchen. Dean stares and Castiel suddenly feels embarrassed. Should he have asked to borrow a shirt first?

"Sorry, I couldn't find my - "

"Fuck, Cas, the coffee can wait." Dean starts, putting the mug that he's holding down on the bench and walking over to Castiel. "Coffee can fucking wait." Dean's voice drops lower and Castiel can feel arousal curl in his stomach. Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's waist and kisses him with enough force to push Castiel backwards.

Castiel hums into it, his arms coming up to wrap around Dean's neck. "Fuck, baby. Look so fucking hot. Brings out the possessive side of me." Dean growls into his ear. Castiel moans, his hips bucking into Dean's. One of Dean's hands travels down to the back of his boxers, grabbing the hem and pulling them down over his ass. "Gonna take you right here in the kitchen." Dean mouths at his jaw as his fingers slip in between Castiel's ass cheeks and massage over his rim. Castiel whimpers.

"Shit, are you too sore from yesterday?" Dean asks, his fingers stopping in their tracks.

"A little." Yes. "But I still want you to fuck me." Castiel responds, and Dean's pupils dilate. 

"You really know how to make a guy hard, don't you Cas?" Dean says, a smile on his face.

"Well, I don't know about other guys. But you, yeah, I guess I do." Castiel says, earning himself another rougher kiss. 

"Fuck yeah. How about you bend over that bench for me and I'll go get the lube." Dean says, smacking Castiel on the ass before practically running out of the kitchen. Castiel shakes his head, a blush creeping onto his cheeks and walks over to the bench, shoving down his boxers the rest of the way before resting his elbows on the bench. Castiel watches as Dean comes out of the bedroom, with a grin, a wink and a bottle of lube. Castiel smiles. 

"Oh fuck, Cas. Look at you." Dean says, kissing him behind his ear. The sound of the lube cap opening has Castiel widening his stance, the blush creeping down his chest. Castiel hisses at the cold touch of the lube to his rim. Dean circles it around twice before pushing his first finger in, gentler than usual. Castiel sighs, pushing his ass back onto it. He's definitely still sore. And he's probably going to regret this later but he can't help himself. Just this once. "Yeah, okay. I'll get there. Just be patient." 

"I don't want to be patient, I want you to fuck me."

"Jesus, Cas. You're gonna make me fucking come in my pants if you keep talking like that." Dean's finger speeds up after that, thrusting and stretching until he can add a second. His free hand pushes Castiel's shirt up so it can rest on his bare skin. Castiel closes his eyes and continues to push back on Dean's fingers. He bites his lip when Dean spanks his left asscheek, only a small sound breaching his lips. "Don't you fucking dare hold in sounds for me." Dean growls, his fingers pausing inside of his ass. Castiel whines but nods.

Dean adds a third finger and starts thrusting them in and out just as he spanks Castiel again. " _Uh -_ fuck, Dean _._ "

"That's my boy. I wanna hear all your pretty noises." Dean says, and with one last thrust, his fingers disappear. Castiel's stomach muscles clench when he hears the slick sounds of Dean lubing up his cock. Finally, he feels the head of Dean's cock press against his rim and slowly, slower than usual, Dean is pushing his way inside of Castiel. Castiel groans, loving the feeling of being stretched full even if he is a little sore. Dean's hands grip Castiel's hip and he pulls back before slamming into Castiel.

" _Oh, fuck, oh fuck._ " Castiel mutters, as Dean slams into him over and over. Dean groans, his hands moving up to grip at Castiel's shoulder. Castiel's head cranes back and his muscles tense. He feels his cock dripping with precome and desperately needs to grind it against something.

Castiel groans out when Dean spanks him again, this time harder than before. "So pretty like this, Cas. Wish you could see yourself." Dean says, and Castiel's chest heaves, panting hard. 

"Ah - fuck, I have to see your face." Dean says, and suddenly Dean's cock is gone and Castiel's being spun around to face Dean, who surprisingly still has his own shirt on. Dean grabs him by the hips and lifts him up onto the edge of the bench, which is surprisingly hot and makes Castiel's cock throb. Castiel leans back on his elbows as Dean lines himself up again. "Fuck, that's better. Look so fucking hot in my shirt, Cas." Castiel lies down on his back as Dean thrusts into him once again. His hands fly above his head to grip the edge of the bench as his legs hang in the air, muscles tensed and toes curled.

Castiel cries out when Dean finds his prostate. One of Dean's hands grasps at his hip again, the other grabbing and twisting in Castiel's shirt. "I think I'm gonna come." Dean says, biting his lip. 

"Please touch me, Dean." Castiel says, clenching around Dean's cock and making him moan. Dean's thumb teases the slit of Castiel's cock and makes him squirm on the bench before he actually starts stroking him. Castiel feels his stomach tightening, Dean's fist moving at the same time as his thrusts. Dean comes first, calling out his name and as soon as Dean's come hits his prostate, Castiel's coming too, all over the shirt he's wearing.

Dean braces his hands on Castiel's hips and lets out a few deep breaths. They lie in the afterglow for a minute or so before Castiel breaks it. "I think the coffee has gone cold." he says, and Dean smiles.

"You think?" Dean responds, and Castiel smiles back. "I gotta get you to wear this shirt more often." Castiel laughs.

"The weirdest things turn you on." Dean cocks on eyebrows and smirks.

"C'mon, Cas. There's nothing weird about being turned on by a hot guy fucking himself with his own fingers." Castiel blushes furiously at the mention of last night. Dean grins. "Should've taken pictures of that." He whistles. "You know, stored them from when I'm alone."

"In your dreams." Castiel retorts, because there is no way in the world that that's going to happen. Dean pouts.

"You're no fun." Dean pauses. "So do you still want that coffee?" Castiel leans back up onto his elbows. 

"I think we should do something else." Dean's eyebrows pull together.

"Like what?"

*** 

"It's a bit cramped in here, don't ya think?" Dean says, as he sits down in the bath, the warm water rising as he does. Castiel hums, stepping into the bath and sitting down in between Dean's legs.

"Yeah, we definitely can't have sex in here." Castiel says, nonchalantly and Dean laughs. 

"You've thought about us having sex in here?" Dean asks, as Castiel leans back against his chest.

"Like you haven't thought about it." Castiel retorts, as Dean places his arms on the sides of the tub. 

"Okay, yeah, I might've thought about it a few times." A beat. "Or, you know, a lot of times." Castiel chuckles.

"Well, doesn't matter, anyway. I don't mind just lying here with you." Castiel says, letting his eyes slip shut.

"Yeah, I guess it's alright." Dean says, with a dramatic sigh.

"Fuck you. You love it." Dean laughs again, making Castiel smile. He loves the sound of Dean's laugh. 

"Yeah, I guess I do." 

Castiel takes a deep breath before relaxing his muscles. They lie in the warm water for a while. Castiel doesn't know how long. But for once in his life, his thoughts seem to give him a break and he's able to just sit there and enjoy it. Dean seems to do the same thing. His breathing evening out against Castiel's skin. The only sign that he's not sleeping is that after a while he moves his arms, wrapping them around Castiel, his fingers brushing up and down gently over Castiel's stomach. 

And then again a while after that when Dean speaks. "We should probably get out. Water's getting cold." Castiel hadn't even noticed. He just nods and steps out. The dry off quickly and Castiel finds his own clothes this time to pull on. 

"What are you doing today?" Dean asks, just as he's doing up his jeans. 

"Ah, I have a class at one but other than that, nothing. What about you?" Castiel pulls his socks on and follows a barefoot Dean out into the living room. 

"I have a shift at work in a few hours and a class straight after that but nothing this morning."

"So...what do you wanna do?" Castiel asks, and Dean raises on eyebrow.

"You don't need to study?"

"Did it all yesterday." Dean smiles.

"Of course you did." Castiel rolls his eyes but can't help smiling. 

"Well let's eat first and then I can see what's on TV or we could watch a movie or something." Dean says, making his way into the kitchen. 

"Sure. I don't really mind." Castiel replies, following him in. After a few pieces of toast with peanut butter and jelly, Castiel slumps down in the corner of the couch and puts his feet up on the coffee table. Dean grabs the remote, flicking the television on before sitting down as close as possible to Castiel.

"You know, there is the whole couch, Dean." Castiel says, gesturing to the empty space on the other side of them. Dean shrugs, placing his feet up on the coffee table next to Castiel's.

"I wanna sit next to you. Is that a crime?" Dean says, and Castiel smiles, shaking his head.

"No, not at all." Castiel responds, and Dean smiles down at him. Castiel watches as Dean flicks through the channels, not really recognising any of the shows that are playing. "Hey, I've been thinking - "

"As usual." Dean gets in. Castiel nudges Dean with his elbow earning himself a chuckle from Dean.

" _Anyways_ , I was just thinking...maybe taking you down to meet my family isn't such a good idea. Because what if they like, I don't know, kick me out of the house for good or something?" Castiel says, and lately it's something he's been thinking about a lot. He already sent a message saying he could only make it for the 23rd because of exams, which is bullshit obviously but his mother seemed to eat it up. Or maybe she doesn't care.

"I don't know, man. I mean, they know you're gay, right?" Dean says, pausing his flicking of the channels to look at Castiel.

"Yeah."

"Then wouldn't they have done that by now if it bothered them so much?" Castiel pauses. He's never thought about it like that.

"Maybe...but I've never actually brought a guy home before."

"Well, it's up to you. If you think it's a bad idea I can always just drop you off and pick you up when you're finished." Dean says, and Castiel groans.

"But part of me really wants to do it because I want to show them that this is me and I'm not going to change no matter how many times they say it's 'wrong' or whatever the fuck they usually say."

"Yeah, I get - " Dean's interrupted by a knock at the door. Dean sighs, pushing himself up from the couch. "I'll get it. You wait here." 

Castiel nods, taking his feet off the table for Dean to get past. Castiel slumps back into the couch. Maybe he's overthinking it. Maybe it'll just be the same as it usually -

"Dad?" Castiel whips his head around to see Dean standing at the door. "What are you doing here?" Dean asks, his voice quieter and more stilted than usual. The door is only slightly ajar so Castiel can't see to the other side. 

"What? I can't see my son for his birthday now?" a gruff voice comes from the other side and Castiel's heart starts beating faster. Fuck. It's Dean's father. Fuck, fuck.

"It's the 20th. My birthday's on the 24th." Dean says, and Castiel can tell by the way Dean is standing stiff as a board that his heart is probably beating faster too. Castiel doesn't know what to do. He's frozen in place.

"Can't you at least be grateful I'm here or did you forget the manners I taught you?" Castiel sees Dean's jaw clench and his fingers tighten on where they're holding the door.

"This isn't really great timing. Can you come back - _Dad_ \- _fuck._ " Castiel's feels his chest tighten as he watches Dean's father push past Dean and into the apartment. It's only a second before his eyes meet Castiel's. Castiel feels his heart lurching in his throat. Castiel catches the panicked look in Dean's eye before he quickly masks it.

"Who's this?" Dean's father asks, flicking his head towards Castiel. Dean's eyes squeeze shut so Castiel stands and speaks instead.

"Uh - Castiel. I'm a friend of - "

"Boyfriend." Castiel's heart nearly jumps out of his chest, his eyes flicking over to Dean. "He's my boyfriend." Dean says, his eyes on the floor. One look at Dean's father and Castiel can see the fire behind his eyes.

"Excuse me?" he almost growls, his eyes flicking between Castiel and Dean. Dean still doesn't look up from the floor. But when his father steps towards Castiel, Dean is in front of him in less than a second.

"There's beer in the kitchen. I'll meet you in there." Dean says, meeting his father's eyes. Castiel's breaths are coming quicker now and he watches as Dean's father flicks his eyes back towards him before walking towards the kitchen. In an instant, Dean is next to Castiel, grabbing his arm and dragging him towards the bedroom. 

"You need to go." Dean says, once they're inside his room.

"Dean, I'm not - "

"Get your stuff and leave." Dean cuts him off, still not meeting his eyes. 

"Dean, I'm not leaving." Castiel starts, watching as Dean frantically grabs Castiel's backpack and shoves in the few things that are lying beside it. "It's your father. The one you're so afraid of. The one who _hits_ you." Castiel feels like he's on the verge of tears. Fuck, he can't leave Dean alone with him. 

"He only hits me when he's drunk, Cas. He's not drunk. Now fucking leave or I'll drag you out." Dean responds, voice low and filled with what seems like anger. Castiel reaches for Dean's shoulder.

"Dean - " Dean's hand grabs Castiel's wrist tightly and shoves him roughly against the wall. 

"Do as I _fucking_ say." Dean's eyes are hard and his hand is gripping Castiel's wrist too tight and Castiel actually feels scared. Dean must see it in his eyes because he immediately lets of Castiel's wrist and his face softens. He immediately looks guilty. " _Please_." Dean says, his voice softer this time and as though he's begging. Castiel can feel tears sting at the back of his eyes. He swallows before nodding and grabbing his backpack from Dean's other hand. 

Castiel drops his eyes, turning and walking towards the bedroom door. "Cas, wait." Dean's voice comes from behind him. Suddenly he's being swung around and Dean's hands are on either side of his face and they're lips are being pressed together roughly. Castiel can feel himself falling apart but he holds it in. 

Dean's thumbs brush up and down Castiel's cheek when he pulls away. "I'll meet you at your dorm later, okay?" Castiel can only nod, knowing that if he tries to speak, he won't be able to stop the tears from spilling. Castiel pulls his backpack on, walking out of the bedroom. He can feel two sets of eyes on him the whole way to the door. He quickly scoops up his shoes as Dean opens the door for him. He steps out of the apartment, turning around just in time for the door to shut in his face. 

Castiel stares at it, his chest aching and his mind spinning. "Fuck." Castiel mumbles, placing his shoes down so he can shove his feet into them, not even bothering with untying the shoelaces. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." Castiel's vision goes blurry and finally the tears spill. He stares at the door again once he's finished with his shoes. He listens for anything. Shouts. Punching. But there's nothing. Castiel takes a few deep breaths before walking off to the stairs. He jogs down them and once he hits the street, he takes off running. 

 _Dean's going to be okay_. _Dean's going to be okay_. It runs through his head on a loop. Like if he says it enough times, he'll start to believe it. At least when he's running he doesn't have so many thoughts racing through his mind. Or else he's sure he would start having a panic attack.

Castiel's almost to his building when he spies a familiar trio leaning against a tree. Castiel ducks his head, hoping that he won't be noticed. 

Alastair looks up. "Hey!" Fuck. Castiel runs as fast as he can, his feet thudding down on the grass. Castiel feels the pull of his backpack and suddenly he's being thrown sideways onto the ground. It knocks the wind out of him but he still tries to scramble to his feet. He has no luck though. He never really had a chance against three. Alastair pins him down on his stomach, a knee that presses down onto his backpack and makes Castiel grunt in pain. Castiel tries to push himself up but Alastair's too heavy. He grabs Castiel's hair and pulls it up, making Castiel hiss. Alastair laughs, leaning down towards him. Castiel tries to pull away but Alastair holds him still.

"Haven't seen you in a while, fag. Well, not since our wonderful trip to the cinema. You remember that?" Alastair snarls. Castiel clenches his jaw, not responding. "Because we remember that. But looks like your big and tough fag friend isn't here to save you." Castiel tries to push Alastair off again but he just ends up squirming underneath Alastair. The knee on his backpack presses harder just as Alastair's grip on Castiel's hair tightens. A whimper slips from Castiel's lips.

Alastair laughs again. "This making you hard? I bet you love being pinned down like the disgusting faggot you are." Alastair says, before spitting onto Castiel's face. Bartholomew and Brady laugh from somewhere behind him and call out some more slurs. Castiel closes his eyes and tries not to cry. It's humiliating. The spit slides down his cheek. He feels like he's going to throw up. "You come yet, bitch?"

"Fuck you." Castiel spits, and Alastair slams his face into the ground. Castiel cries out, his hands clenching in the grass.

"What was that? I didn't quite catch it." Alastair asks, and this time Castiel keeps his mouth shut. "There's my good little - "

"Hey! Get off of him!" Castiel's eyes widen at Michael's familiar voice. 

Alastair growls. "Well, looks like I gotta run. See ya next time!" Alastair says, and suddenly he's gone. Castiel's pushing himself to his knees in a second, wiping the spit off with the end of his sleeve before it can slide any further down his face. 

"Hey, you okay?" Michael asks, appearing by his side. Castiel glances at him for a moment, noticing someone else standing behind him. It's the one he talked to at the party. Victor. Great. Humiliated in front of two of Dean's friends. 

"Yeah, I'm -ah - I'm fine." Castiel says, getting to his feet. 

"You sure?" Victor asks, as Castiel brushes the dirt of his clothes. 

"Yes, thank you. I - uh - I need to go." Castiel nods at both of them before turning and walking off towards his building. 

"Okay, well, see you around." Michael calls out, and when Castiel turns his head, the two of them are heading back in the other direction. Castiel swallows, quickening his pace. Everything aches. His head, his back, his chest. Castiel keeps his head down as he makes his way through his building. As soon as he's in his dorm, the door shut behind him, he throws his backpack off and strips off all of his clothes. 

He makes his way to the bathroom and turns the hot water on, stepping in and under the spray. He grabs the soap, scrubbing his face so hard that it hurts. He doesn't even know when he started crying. But now that he's alone, in the comfort of his own room, he lets it out. Castiel sobs, scrubbing the dirt off his face and hands until he feels clean. When he's done that, he leans his back against the wall and sinks down onto the floor. _Dean's going to be okay._

The thought is his only comfort as he pulls his legs to his chest and cries freely into them. Fucking Alastair and his stupid fucking friends. They can't just leave him alone for five seconds? What did he do to deserve this? 

Once he's run out of tears, Castiel just closes his eyes and tries to focus on the water pounding down on to him. He tries. But it doesn't get him very far. He changes into a new shirt and new boxers before fumbling around in his bag for his phone. 

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_Are you okay?_ **

Castiel stares at the text. He waits. Five minutes pass.

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_Dean?_  **

Castiel grips the phone tightly. Two minutes. Castiel hits the call button. It rings and rings and - voicemail. "Fuck, Dean. _Pick up_."

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_I'm worried about you. Please tell me you're okay._ **

Castiel can't help it. All of the bad things run through his head. Dean's father hitting Dean. Beating him bloody. Maybe until he's unconscious. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut. No, he's fine. Dean will be fine. He's going to waltz up to Castiel's door any minute now. And what about what Dean said? His father only hits him when he's drunk. And he wasn't drunk. So Dean'll be fine. Nothing to worry about.

He calls Dean six times over the next hour but he never gets a response. But maybe Dean went to work. He said he had work, right? Yeah, and then a class after that. So Dean's fine. He's just at work and doesn't have his phone on him. Or maybe he left his phone at home. Or it ran out of charge. Or maybe he somehow lost - _fuck_. Castiel pushes himself up from the bed and paces the room. 

He has to stop thinking. But how the fuck is he supposed to do that? He calls Dean again. 

Castiel misses his class. He goes back and forth on whether he should head back over to Dean's apartment. To see if he's there. Because surely Dean's father would have left by now. Right? But what if Dean's coming over to his dorm as Castiel goes over to his apartment? What if he misses him? Castiel shakes his head. Dean would just text him. Let him know he's there. Because, really, what's the chance that Dean's phone is actually dead or he left it behind?

The next hour passes even slower. Castiel's brain never shuts off. And at one point he nearly has a panic attack. It's been hours. Dean should've called him back by now. Or come over by now. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

**_Just tell me you're okay, Dean._ **

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_Please._ **

***

Castiel didn't mean to fall asleep. He'd just thought he'd rest his eyes for a second. It's a knock at the door that wakes him. Castiel feels foggy, and when he opens his eyes, it's dark. Another knock at the door. Catiel blinks once before he realises what's going on. Castiel shoots up from his bed, running to the door and yanking it open. 

Castiel feels his whole body deflate. Because there is Dean. But his head is hung and when his eyes meet Castiel's they're empty. He just looks tired. 

"Dean." Castiel breathes out, stepping aside to let Dean in and turning the light on. Once the door is closed behind him, Castiel turns grasping his face and looks for any bruises or cuts. "Fuck - what happened? I was so worried about you, Dean. Please tell me you're okay. I - " Dean wraps his arms around Castiel's back and pulls him as close as possible. He buries his face into the crook of Castiel's neck and Castiel can feel the deep breath he lets out against his skin. Castiel swallows, his arms wrapping around Dean's neck in turn. He can feel all of his emotions rushing back up. Castiel closes his eyes. 

Dean keeps them like that for a while, gripping Castiel tighter whenever he moves to pull away. Castiel bites his lip. Fuck, he's not okay.

Finally, Dean pulls away but doesn't look at Castiel. "Did he hit you?" Castiel asks, voice soft. Dean shakes his head and Castiel lets out a deep breath. Dean turns and sits down against the door. Castiel doesn't waste a moment in sitting down beside him. The silence goes on for a few seconds before Castiel speaks again.

"Talk to me, Dean. I need you to talk to me." Castiel says, but Dean just stares at his hands. "Why did you tell him?" Because they never talked about Dean telling his father that he and Castiel are together. Castiel wouldn't have cared. Other people, yes, but not Dean's father. Not if it could hurt Dean. He only cares that Dean's safe. Dean still doesn't respond. Castiel looks away. Fuck, he's not going to cry again. Castiel bites his lip and breathes through his nose.

"Please say something." Castiel says, and he's begging. His chest hurts and he feels like he's going crazy. He just needs _something_. Castiel pushes himself to his feet and runs a hand down his face. Dean's eyes stay trained on his hands. Castiel clenches his jaw and grips the side of his desk. He can feel it building. Everything. The silence is too much. The empty look. There's nothing. And Castiel can't take it. 

"Why aren't you saying anything!" The second it comes out, he immediately regrets it. "Fuck, I'm - "

"I don't want to screw up." Dean says, and his voice gives away no emotion. Castiel doesn't understand. 

"What do you mean, screw up? Screw up how?" Castiel responds, his own voice sounding so desperate. Dean picks at the hem of his sleeve. 

"I don't want to do something that I'll regret." Dean says. Castiel shakes his head, throwing his arms out to the side. 

"I don't - what does that mean? Do what?" Castiel asks. Dean continues to pick at the hem of his sleeve. He still doesn't meet Castiel's eyes. Castiel waits, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. It's too much. He thinks he's about to go fucking crazy. He thinks he's about to lose his fucking mind. 

"Dean, please just tell me what's going on. Please tell me you're okay. I need you to be okay - _fuck - please_." Tears spill once again and Castiel sinks to his knees, one hand braced on his chair.

"Fuck, Cas." Dean says, and Castiel looks up to see Dean moving to kneel beside him. Dean's hands cradle his face, so gentle and caring. "This - we're gonna be okay, Cas."

Castiel sobs again, his free hand clutching at the sleeve of Dean's jacket. "I don't want us to be fucking okay. I want you to be okay. And when you're okay, I'm okay." Fuck, he shouldn't be the one who's crying. He should be the one comforting Dean. What the fuck is happening? He wishes he'd stayed with Dean. Fuck, he needs to know what happened. Why isn't he saying anything?

Dean brushes the hair out of his face and plants a soft kiss on his forehead. "Well, then I'm okay." 

"Don't lie to me." Castiel snaps, finally meeting Dean's eyes. Dean looks taken aback.

"I'm not lying."

"Yes, you fucking are." Castiel says, shoving Dean's hands off of him. Dean's eyes harden.

"Cas, I'm not." 

"Then why didn't you answer my calls?" Castiel asks, and Dean hesitates for too long. 

"My phone died." 

"Then show me your phone." Castiel responds, and he has that feeling again, like someone is reaching inside of his chest and clenching their fist around his heart. 

"I don't have it with me." Dean says, that anger back in his voice again. 

"So you won't mind if I check your pockets?" Dean stares at him and Castiel stares back. Dean suddenly stands turning to walk to the door. Castiel sees it then, in Dean's back pocket of his jeans. The fist around his heart squeezes tighter and he quickly gets to his feet and pulls it from Dean's pocket. Dean turns instantly, grabbing his arm and ripping it out of his hand. But it's not before Castiel turns it on. Not before he sees all of the missed calls, all of the messages.

"The fuck is wrong with you?" Dean says, his voice raised. Castiel laughs, tears slipping down his face. 

"Me? What the fuck is wrong with me? Uh - I don't know, Dean. Maybe I fucking worry too much about you. Maybe I don't like being lied to. You know, those are just a few things." Castiel says, not even bothering to wait for Dean's response and storming into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. He grips the sink tightly. How did it end up like this? It was all going so well. But of course, nothing in Castiel's life is ever that good. He should've known it would all come crashing down. He stays in the bathroom for what must be around ten minutes. More than enough time for Dean to leave. 

Castiel turns the tap on, splashing some water on his face. He wipes the water off with a hand towel and lifts his shirt up, turning to see in the mirror a bruise forming on his back from Alastair. He sighs, opening the door and stepping back into his bedroom.

He doesn't expect to see Dean still there, let alone stripped down to a shirt and boxers and sitting up against the headboard of Castiel's bed. Dean looks up and it looks like he's been crying too but Castiel can't be sure. 

"I'm sorry." Dean's voice cracks and he looks up towards the ceiling. Castiel feels the tiniest sense of relief. Dean didn't leave. He didn't leave him. Castiel walks over and sits beside him on the bed. 

"Why did you come here?" Castiel asks, and Dean turns his head back to Castiel. 

"Because I told you I would." Dean says, but Castiel still doesn't understand.

"But you didn't answer any of my messages. If you wanted to ignore me, why did you come here?" Dean takes a moment.

"Because when I'm with you, it feels like everything's going to be okay." A beat. "But this time...I don't know, it more felt like everything was falling apart." 

Castiel feels like he's being slapped in the face. "Like us?" Castiel asks, his voice so small that it's nearly a whisper. 

"What? No, no, fuck, not us, Cas." Dean says, his hands coming up to grasp Castiel's face and the pain in his chest deflates. "I meant me. I'm falling apart. Not us, we're not - I mean, you're everything to me, Cas. You know that." Dean's eyes are sincere. There's so much emotion in them that Castiel can't take his eyes away. 

"Why are you falling apart?" Castiel says, because if Dean's falling apart, maybe Castiel isn't doing a good enough job. Dean's hands drop from his face.

"He - he got to me, Cas. He got inside my head and I just - I couldn't handle it. And I'm sorry, I should have answered you, I shouldn't have lied, I shouldn't have yelled at you and now I've hurt you again and I - "

"No, stop. You haven't - I should be sorry too, Dean. I shouldn't have yelled at you either or asked you so many fucking questions. I should have comforted you. Because I knew you weren't okay. I knew that. But I was being selfish - " Castiel's cut off by Dean's lips pressing against his own. Castiel's eyes close and he feels Dean's fingers brushing hair behind his ear. He melts into the touch. Dean rests his forehead against Castiel's when he pulls away for air.

"I don't want to fight anymore." Dean breathes against Castiel's lips. _I don't want you to fall apart,_ is all Castiel can think.

"Okay." Castiel whispers back instead. Dean kisses him again, more passionate this time and when he pulls back, his eyes seemingly flick over every inch of Castiel's face. 

"I think we should sleep." Dean says, and Castiel nods, their noses brushing together. Castiel turns and reaches over to flick the light off. Dean shuffles down onto his back and Castiel turns on his side and throws an arm over Dean's chest. He presses his face into Dean's shoulder and breathes. Dean's okay. He's okay. They're okay. Everything is going to be okay. Well...at least for this second. 

"Dean?" Castiel whispers into the dark. _I don't want you to fall apart._

"Yeah."

A beat.

"I love you."

A beat.

And another.

Castiel closes his eyes and tries not to feel the ache in his chest. The silence is deafening. 

Suddenly Dean's pushing him around and Castiel can't help but think that Dean is going to leave. That this is the moment that Dean's going to tell him that he doesn't love him back.

But Dean just pushes Castiel until he's facing the other way and then he just holds him like he usually does, all pressed up behind him, an arm over his waist. Castiel doesn't know what to think. But there's a small sense of relief. Dean presses his face into the back of Castiel's neck and Castiel accepts it for now. He closes his eyes in search of sleep.

Castiel's still awake when he feels wetness against his neck. But for Dean's sake, he pretends he isn't. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I once again hope it was worth it even if this chapter is a little shorter than usual. Another thing: I reached 10k hits!!! Thank you guys so much for continuously supporting this fic and I hope it is as enjoyable for you all to read as it is for me to write it! <3 Okay, I am going to sleep. It is 1pm whoops!
> 
> Anyways, I hope you like this chapter and leave a comment below and let me know what you think! I love reading them! Also if you see any massive typos - please let me know so I can change it right away! I hope your week is wonderful! Love you guys! <3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	18. Chapter 18

Castiel's not surprised to see Dean's not in bed when he turns over to have a look. He nearly starts to worry but before he can get too far, Dean wonders out of the bathroom, doing up the zipper and button on his jeans. Dean sits down on the side of his bed and begins to pull his socks on. Castiel furrows his eyebrows.

"Where are you going?" Castiel asks, sitting up against the headboard.

"Work." Dean responds.

"Now?"

"Yeah." Dean starts to pull on his boots, not looking at Castiel. Castiel bites his lip. Dean's tone is clipped and he's not sure why. 

"Can't you just call in sick?" Castiel says, ducking his head down to try and catch Dean's eyes.

"Why would I do that?" Dean asks, like it's the stupidest thing he's ever heard.

"Well, don't you want to just take a day off after everything that's happened? You know, stay here with me?" Castiel says, the last part more hesitant.

"I don't need a day off. I'm fine." Dean retorts, finishing tying up his boots. Castiel huffs.

"No, you're not. We just talked about this, Dean." Castiel pauses. "Please look at me." Dean lets out a deep breath before his head finally turns and his eyes meet Castiel's. "Just take a day off."

Dean clenches his jaw. "I'm not taking a day off every time I'm not feeling okay."

"Yeah, and I get that. But this is different." 

"Cas, I've dealt with my father my whole like, okay? I can handle it." Dean says, pushing himself up from the bed.

"Yeah, but you've never dealt with him after telling him you have a boyfriend."

"Can you please just drop it." Dean says, his voice raised ever so slightly. Castiel feels a pang in his chest and looks away. Maybe it's him who did something wrong. Who has Dean like this. Maybe it's because of the 'I love you'. Because before that Dean and him had sort of worked it out. Right? Castiel swallows, looking back up at Dean.

"Do you just want to get away from me? Is that it?" Castiel asks, and he watches the way Dean's eyebrows pull together. Something flashes in his eyes so quickly that Castiel can't make it out. 

"What? No. Where do you come up with this crap?" Dean asks, incredulously. Castiel shrugs, flicking his eyes back and forth from his hands to Dean.

"I don't know. You just seem kind of pissed at me." Dean sighs, rubbing a hand down his face.

"I'm not pissed at you, Cas. I just - I need to go to work." Dean says, and Castiel doesn't really believe him.

"Will you answer your phone this time?" 

"Yeah, but you don't need to call me every five seconds." Castiel scoffs. So Dean is pissed at him.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't realise you wanted me to apologise for actually fucking caring about you." 

"I didn't mean it like that."

"I'm sure you didn't." Castiel retorts, biting his lip before he can blurt out anything else. Dean shakes his head and stares at the wall above Castiel. "Just go to work." Castiel waves his hand towards the door. Dean stays where he is for a moment before his whole body seems to slump and he walks over to Castiel and squats down beside the bed. Castiel doesn't look at him. But out of the corner of his eye he sees Dean open his mouth a few times as if he's going to say something. He never does but instead reaches forward with his hand to brush the hair out of Castiel's face.

Castiel leans away from it and a second later, wishes he didn't. Dean huffs a laugh, shaking his head before standing up.

"Fine." Dean says, turning and walking out the door, closing it behind him with a little more force than necessary. 

Castiel sinks back into his pillow and runs a hand through his hair. He stares at the wall in front of him and wonders what he did wrong. Because that's the only way this adds up. But Castiel doesn't know what. Because why would Dean be pissed at him for telling him he loved him? So it must have been something he did before that. Maybe it was Castiel calling and texting too much. Castiel rubs his eyes. In all honesty, that doesn't really make sense either. 

Castiel's mind ticks around for another ten minutes before he finally decides that he needs a break from it. Castiel sighs, pushing himself up from the bed. He checks up on the bruise on his back in the mirror. Castiel lets out an even bigger sigh. It looks worse than yesterday. Great. He's only just woken up and already he can tell this is going to be a very bad day.

***

It's just past two when Castiel hops on a bus to head into the city. Luckily, the class he had this morning and the time after he spent at the library was able to take his mind off of Dean for a couple of hours. But after he'd finished with all the studying he'd needed to do, all thoughts of Dean came rushing back. Castiel finds an empty seat at the front of the bus and pulls his phone out to see if he's since received any messages or calls from anyone. Well, not from anyone. He doesn't know why he even hopes because it's clear from this morning that Dean doesn't really want to hear about Castiel checking up on him. 

But Castiel can't help it. He can't stop worrying about what happened between Dean and his father. He can't stop wondering about what it was that he did wrong. Castiel pulls up his text thread with Dean and stares at it. He's already typing before he can stop himself.

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_Can you come over tonight?_ **

He needs to talk to Dean. He honestly doesn't know what the fuck's going on and he'd appreciate Dean giving him something. Anything to stop the anxiety that's making his chest ache. Even if it's just Dean telling him he needs space. Yeah, that might hurt a little but at least Castiel will know why Dean is seemingly trying to ignore his texts. Castiel waits for a response for a few minutes. Eventually, he gives up and flicks over to answer a message from Gabriel and soon after that he finds himself scrolling through the photos they took at lunch the other day. But this time, looking at them only makes him frown. 

If only Dean's father could just leave Dean alone. He's put him through enough already. Castiel feels sick just thinking about it.

Dean still hasn't texted him back by the time Castiel steps off the bus. Castiel tries to believe that it's because Dean just hasn't seen the text yet. But of course there's that little voice in the back of his head telling him otherwise. Telling him that he somehow fucked up and Dean's ignoring him again. Castiel runs a frustrated hand through his hair before pulling up the list he'd made of what he's getting Dean for his birthday.

Castiel's never been that great at picking out presents but he thought Dean would appreciate what he - and Sam - had come up with. The other gift though was all Castiel. He hasn't told anyone about it yet and...well, after the past few days, Castiel's been having doubts about it. He stops himself before he can think too deeply about it and starts to walk off to buy Dean's first present.

***

Castiel doesn't know how long he's been standing outside the small shop mulling over whether he should do this. He's just - he's so unsure about everything that's going on at the moment. He doesn't know if Dean just needs some space or if maybe he's trying to get away from Castiel entirely. Castiel focuses on the former until he finally caves and wanders into the shop. Maybe this will even perk Dean up again. Make him realise how much Castiel loves him and wants him around.

"So, what's the occasion for this one?" the man behind the counter asks, as he works away.

"Uh, I'm giving it to someone." Castiel responds, feeling awkward behind the counter.

"A special someone?" the man continues, raising an eyebrow. Castiel nods.

"Yeah."

"How long you been together?" 

"Um..." Technically they only got together at the start of this month but if he counts before that, "A few months." The man whistles.

"Only a few months. Must be a real special someone." Castiel gives him a small smile.

"Yeah, he is." Castiel replies, taking a moment before he realises what he's said. He quickly flicks his eyes up but the man only nods. After waiting in quiet for a little longer the man is finally finished and Castiel feels slightly relieved when he walks out of the store. Like maybe this was the right decision.

His phone vibrating in his pocket has him even more relieved than before. 

**_My Beautiful Asshole_ **

**_Can't. Busy tonight._ **

Castiel's stomach sinks. He stares at the screen. That's it. That's all he gets. No smiley face or fucking two kisses at the end, just _'Can't. Busy tonight'_. Castiel lets out a deep breath. He's being ridiculous. Dean's busy. So what? It's not a big deal. Castiel can see him tomorrow.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Okay.** _

He hits send and waits for a response even though he knows he's not going to get one. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**xx** _

Castiel's never felt so desperate before. He just wishes Dean would've taken the day off so Castiel could keep an eye on him. Make sure he's okay even if he doesn't want to talk to Castiel. Even if he did or said something wrong. Because whatever his father said to him, it's clearly not something that Dean can just brush over. It's hurting Dean and Castiel hates that.

The bus ride back to campus is slow. The walk back to his dorm is even slower and when he gets there it just feels empty. 

***

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I'm heading to meet Anna and Gabe for lunch. Do you want to come?** _

Castiel trudges across the park, head buried in his phone to see if Dean responds. He didn't sleep very well last night. Not with all the constant thoughts and wondering of whether he should text Dean again to see if he's okay. Castiel didn't even bother looking in the mirror. He can tell he has bags under his eyes. 

The phone vibrating in his hand surprises him considering how long it took Dean to respond last time.

_**My Beautiful Asshole** _

_**Can't make it today.** _

Castiel clenches his jaw. Just breathe. Dean's busy. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**What about tonight?** _

Castiel lifts his head to see Anna and Gabe already sitting in their spot. 

_**My Beautiful Asshole** _

_**Busy again tonight. I'll see you tomorrow when I pick you up.** _

Castiel feels relieved and frustrated at the same time. This is a good thing, he tells himself. This means that he's still going to Kansas with Dean tomorrow. Which means that Dean's not completely ignoring him, right? Castiel takes a deep breath.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Okay. See you tomorrow.** _

Castiel doesn't bother with the kisses this time. They just make him look like he's trying too hard. Castiel shoves his phone in his pocket. Whatever. He'll see him tomorrow. 

"Hey, Cas." Anna says, smirking up at him. "Haven't heard much from you the past couple of days. You and Dean having too much fun without us?" Castiel sits down with a huff. It's almost laughable.

"No, actually. We - ah - I don't know. I think he's avoiding me." Castiel says. Anna and Gabe's faces fall ever so slightly. 

"Avoiding you?" Gabe repeats, an eyebrow raised.

"Yeah."

"Why? What happened?" Anna asks, placing a hand on Castiel's shoulder. Castiel leans into it, only just realising how much he's craving someone else's touch. Castiel sighs.

"The other day - ah - something happened. I can't really tell you what, it's kind of..." Castiel trails off, not really knowing how to explain this. 

"It's okay. We get it." Anna says, and Castiel nods.

"Right, yeah, well something happened and we fought about it and I'm just really fucking worried about him but now he's avoiding me and I don't know what I did wrong and I just...I don't know." Castiel rests his head in his hands and lets out a shuddering breath. 

"Hey, it's going to be okay. I'm sure it'll all work out. Maybe he just needs some space." Anna says, rubbing her hand up and down his back. 

"Maybe but can't he just tell me that instead of not saying anything? And if he does need space, I don't know if it's because of what happened or if it's because of me." Castiel responds, rubbing at his eyes. 

"I'm sure you did nothing wrong, Cas." Anna says, and Castiel squeezes his eyes shut. 

"Yeah, I hope so." Castiel doesn't want to believe it but deep down he knows that he's done something wrong. Dean wouldn't be acting like this otherwise. If the same thing happened to Castiel, Dean would be the first person he'd go to for comfort. Because Dean makes him feel like it's going to be okay. But for Dean, well, he said the other night that now it's the exact opposite. And he said it wasn't about them. That it was about himself. But how can that be true?

"Well, your boyfriend has shitty timing, Cas. Because I bought an extra slice of pie for him today and now he's not even here to appreciate my efforts." Gabe says, pulling a box out of his bag. Castiel huffs.

"Thanks, Gabe. That's very thoughtful of you. And don't worry, I appreciate your effort." Castiel says, to which Gabe shakes his head.

"I guess your appreciation will have to do." 

Castiel's not really that hungry. His appetite hasn't been the best since he started worrying. But for Gabe's sake, he does anyway. Thankfully, Anna and Gabe take over the conversation. For half an hour or so, there's seemingly never a moment where someone isn't speaking. And for that, Castiel is grateful. Even if it's only for a short time, Castiel is able to get his mind off of Dean again.

Eventually though, it comes back to him when there's a lull in the conversation. "So...are you still going down to Kansas tomorrow?" Anna asks, and Castiel nods.

"Yeah, looks like it." 

"Well, that's good, isn't it? You can finally get to talk to him." Castiel shrugs. 

"I guess. But I'd rather not get into a fight with him on his birthday." Castiel responds, because he can already tell that that's what's going to happen. Anna and Gabe exchange a concerned look and Castiel sighs. He doesn't want them worrying about him. 

"Cassie, whatever happened...he'll come around." Gabe says.

"Will he?" Castiel replies, immediately. Anna and Gabe seem a little taken aback by it. "Because the other night, I did it again. I told him I loved him. And he just..." Castiel shrugs his shoulders, feeling his chest pull tight. "He didn't say it back." Maybe that's just it. Maybe Dean just doesn't love him. Anna grabs Castiel hand and squeezes it.

"Cas, these last few days may have been rough but don't let them make you forget everything he's done for you." Castiel's been trying. But the more time he spends worrying about Dean, about everything, the more easy it is to forget those things. "I don't care if he didn't say it back. He loves you. No one can fake that."

"And I mean, no offense, Cassie, but he doesn't exactly seem like the kind of guy that goes around spewing out his feelings every second, so." 

Castiel rubs a hand over his face. "I know. I just - " I just wish he would say something. Anything. Castiel lets out a deep breath and squeezes Anna's hand back. "I'm sorry. I hate dragging you guys into this."

"Don't be sorry. You know we're always here for you." Anna says, and Castiel, for the first time in a little while, smiles.

***

They ended up hanging out in the park for a little while longer and Castiel didn't have time to go to the library before class. So he went after, and as he finally comes out of the library, it's getting dark. Castiel decides he doesn't feel like plain oatmeal tonight and indulges himself in a burger at one of the local diners. He texts his mother just to tell her he's coming to Kansas tomorrow in the evening while he's walking towards the football stadium. He couldn't help but notice that there was football training taking place and of course, that meant there's a chance that Dean would be there.

When he's close enough, he pockets his phone and concentrates on finding him. Castiel lets out a breath of relief when he spots him and finds the little gap in the fence at the end of the field to sit down in. Castiel remembers the last time he was here. It was after they'd fought. After Castiel had seen Dean with a girl. 

Castiel picks at the grass. He can't help but think it. That all they do is fight. Even when he thought things were going well. Something had to come crashing down. Castiel's eyes flick back up at the sound of Dean's laugh. The corner of his own lips curl up in a sad smile. It's one of the most infectious laughs he's ever heard. He only wishes it could've been him that made Dean laugh. But for now, Dean seems to be happy. So Castiel watches and listens. They run drill after drill and all the while Dean and his friends make jokes. Most Castiel doesn't even understand but some he finds himself chuckling softly along with them. 

It's towards the end of the training when Victor says something that catches Castiel's attention. "Hey, Winchester. You free tonight? A couple of us are going out for a few drinks. Wanna join?"

Dean grins. "Sure. Why not?" Castiel's heart sinks. And just like that, everything he'd been worrying about comes racing back at him. Castiel clenches his fists. He doesn't know if he wants to cry or hit something. Dean laughs at something someone says and suddenly Castiel doesn't want to hear it at all. No, he definitely wants to hit something. Castiel stands up from his spot in the dark and makes his way around to the car park. He grips the straps of his backpack so tight that he feels them digging into his skin. It hurts. Why does everything have to always fucking hurt? 

Dean's car is easy enough to find. He sits on the hood and stares at his shoes. His feet taps restlessly against the bumper as he waits. He doesn't know how long he sits there but eventually some of Dean's teammates walk out of under the grandstand where he presumes the locker rooms are. A few of them give him weird looks but most of them don't really give him any attention. Finally, Castiel spots Dean, wondering out with his friends and looking like he's having the best fucking time on the world.

Castiel looks back down at his shoes. Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. Too late now though. Because when Castiel looks up again, Dean has spotted him. And so have all of his friends apparently. He stares at Castiel, his jaw clenched. Dean turns and says something to his friends quickly before beginning to walk over. Castiel looks away again and watches out of his peripheral vision as Dean comes to a stop beside him. 

"What are you doing here?" Dean asks, and it hurts. 

"I was just passing by. Thought I'd stop and watch for a little bit." Castiel says, finally looking up to meet Dean's eyes. "And I heard that you're now going out with your friends. For some weird reason I thought you were busy tonight." Dean flicks his eyes away for a moment and Castiel glances over Dean's shoulder to see his friends watching. Great. Now he's just fucking humiliating himself. 

"Cas - "

"You know what? This was a mistake. I shouldn't have come here." Castiel says, pushing himself off the hood and beginning to walk towards his dorm. "Go have fun with your friends."

"Cas, wait." Castiel suddenly feels a hand on his arm and he's being spun around. Castiel immediately shoves at Dean's chest.

"Get off of me." Castiel says, his voice raised and Dean immediately lets go. Castiel doesn't even bother looking at him. He just turns around and walks off. 

"Cas? Cas - _fuck_." 

Castiel puts his head down and walks faster. His cheeks feel like they're burning. He probably looks so pathetic to Dean's friends. He probably looks so pathetic to Dean. Castiel breaks into a run. He just wants to go home. 

And he nearly makes it. He's in the hallway when he hears heavy footsteps behind him. 

"Cas!" Dean calls, jogging up to catch up to him. Castiel swears under his breath, fumbling with his key to get it on the lock. "Cas." Dean places a hand and his shoulder but he shrugs it off. "Will you look at me? Stop making this bigger than it is."

Castiel looks at him then, eyes wide and incredulous. "Excuse me? I'm making this bigger than it is." Castiel opens the door and pushes inside, not bothering to keep Dean out. Castiel throws his backpack on the floor and turns as Dean closes the door behind him. "We just talked about this the other day, Dean. And now here you are, lying to me, ignoring me and I'm going out of my fucking mind trying to figure out when it was that I fucked up - "

"You didn't do anything wrong, Cas." 

"Then, why are you fucking acting like I did?" Castiel asks, throwing his arms out wide. 

"I'm not." 

"Yes, you are and I can't stop fucking worrying about you because you're still not okay."

"I'm fine." Dean replies, his jaw set and eyes hard.

"No, you're not." Castiel says, shaking his head.

"Yes, I - " He doesn't know where it comes from, maybe it's just all been building up but Castiel shoves him in the chest hard enough to make Dean stumble backwards. 

"Just fucking admit it, Dean." Castiel says, his voice low with barely hidden rage. "You did the other night. You told me he got to you. Your father. So don't pretend like it doesn't - "

"How about you don't fucking pretend like you know everything about me." Dean says, and Castiel's chest constricts. He thinks he sees hatred in Dean's eyes. And he wants so badly to believe that it's directed at someone else but he doesn't know what to think anymore. "Because FYI, Cas, you don't. You don't know fuck all about me and you certainly don't know fuck all when it comes to my father!" Castiel's fists clench at his sides and his chest aches. He huffs out a laugh and shakes his head.

"You know what, Dean? Every time something happens to you, you pull out this big and tough macho bullshit but I see right through it." Dean's eyes darken. "You're too scared to fucking feel when it's not to manipulate me back into giving you another stupid chance." Castiel's so fucking angry that he doesn't even know what he's saying. All he knows is that he doesn't mean it. But in this moment he wants it to hurt. "You're a fucking coward."

Castiel barely has time to breathe before Dean's hands are grabbing onto the front of his shirt and are pushing him backwards. Castiel's ass hits the back of his desk and he quickly grabs onto Dean's jacket so that he won't fall backwards. Castiel's heart is beating a mile per minute as Dean stares at him, fury in his eyes. But then he blinks, and it's gone, replaced by something else. 

Dean's lips are on his before he can figure it out. Castiel's eyes slip shut, pushing roughly back against Dean's own lips, his arms curling around Dean's shoulders to hold on while Dean's wrap tightly around his waist. Castiel's head spins. A few days of losing his mind over worrying about Dean felt like a few weeks. But now here he is, holding him and touching him and fuck, Castiel craves it. 

One of Dean's arms leaves him and suddenly he hears things falling to the floor. Castiel turns his head to see Dean swiping most of his books off of his desk and then he's being lifted slightly and laid down onto it. Castiel only just has time to turn his head before Dean's lips are back on his own, his tongue prodding at Castiel's until he lets him inside. Castiel opens his legs for Dean to get even closer, the hard line of Dean's cock through his jeans meeting Castiel's thigh.

Castiel smooths a hand over the stubble on Dean's jaw, noticing it's rougher than usual when it rubs against his chin. Dean presses his thigh hard against Castiel's crotch, making him moan into Dean's mouth. Castiel shoves at Dean's jacket, trying to push it off his shoulders. Dean's arms disappear from under Castiel's arched back to pull it the rest of the way down. Castiel's eyes flutter open when Dean's lips leave his own and he watches as Dean quickly pulls his own shirt over his head. Dean's eyes are still hard but any of the hatred Castiel saw before is gone. 

Dean grabs the lapels of Castiel's jacket and pulls him up into a sitting position, smashing their mouths together again as he pushes Castiel's own jacket off. Castiel throws it to the side somewhere and lifts his arms as Dean pulls his shirt and sweater over his head in one go. Dean slides one hand up Castiel's back and buries itself in his hair as the other slides down Castiel's thigh until it curls under his knee. Castiel holds onto Dean's shoulders as he's lowered down onto the desk again, their bare chests pressing together.

Castiel trails his hands up and down Dean's sides as Dean starts to mouth at his jaw. Castiel's mouth drops open, his head tipping back slightly to give Dean more room. Dean's hand moves from his thigh up to cup his half hard cock through his jeans. Castiel whimpers, squirming underneath him when Dean starts to massage it. "Fuck, Dean." Castiel breathes, against Dean's cheek. 

Dean thrusts into him once before untangling himself from Castiel. Castiel blinks and looks over to see Dean already fumbling in his bedside table drawer. He quickly sits up, kicks off his boots and pulls off his socks before Dean is back with lube in hand. Dean places a hand in the middle of Castiel's chest and pushes him back down until he's lying on the desk before attempting to unbutton his jeans. Castiel lifts his hips for Dean so he can pull his boxers and jeans down and off. 

A blush creeps down Castiel's chest as he lies naked on his desk, Dean taking a few seconds to stare at him. But it's over quickly when Dean leans down to kiss him again. Castiel hears the click of the lube being opened and lifts his legs up to wrap around Dean's waist. Castiel's stomach muscles flutter at the first touch of Dean's cold finger to his rim. Dean kisses his way up his chest as he pumps the finger in and out. Castiel tangles his own fingers in Dean's hair and feels precome leaks from his cock when Dean mouths over one of his nipples. 

Castiel pants get louder when Dean adds a second finger and begins pumping them faster. Dean hisses when Castiel's hands tighten in his hair and Castiel's toes clench when Dean's fingers brush against his prostate. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Dean's lips crash roughly into Castiel's as he adds a third finger, swallowing Castiel's moan. Heat builds in his stomach as Castiel's cock rubs against Dean's stomach, the precome smearing on his skin. 

"I'm ready. Fuck, Dean, I'm ready." Castiel says, turning his head to speak. Dean pulls back immediately, his fingers slipping out of Castiel. Dean quickly undoes his own jeans, not even bothering to take them off and just pulling his hard cock out. He strokes it a few times, biting his lip to hold in any sounds and Castiel finally notices how quiet Dean has been this whole time. Has he even said anything? Dean lubes up his cock as Castiel mind spins round and round and before Castiel can think too much about it, Dean is curling his arms around Castiel and lifting him up. 

Castiel's legs wrap around his waist tightly and his arms wrap around Dean's shoulders as Dean picks him up off of the desk and turns to push him against the wall. Pain shoots through Castiel as the bruise on his back makes contact and he whimpers. Castiel quickly turns his head to see if Dean noticed but his head is down, focusing on guiding his cock with one hand towards Castiel's rim. Castiel clings to Dean's shoulders and finally feels Dean begin to enter him. 

Dean grunts, thrusting inch by inch until he's completely bottomed out. He pauses for a moment, one hand against the wall before moving it down to curl under Castiel's thigh and then Dean's thrusting into him. Castiel presses his cheek into Dean's, feeling Dean's hot breath against neck as he moves in and out of Castiel. Castiel eyes fly open on a rougher thrust and his eyes catch the frame on his desk. He can't see all of the photo since it's slightly angled away but he can see most of it.

They're smiling. They're happy. They're in each other's arms. Castiel's chest pulls tight. Fuck. Everything, all of the anger, the pent up rage inside of him, it all fades. Castiel rests his cheek on Dean's shoulder, facing away from Dean's face and squeezes his eyes shut. They're not okay.

Dean grunts again, his fingers digging into Castiel's back as his thrusts start to lose their rhythm. Dean's hand on his thigh moves and suddenly Castiel feels a hand on his cock. Castiel bites his lip, moving his own hand down to bat Dean's away. Fuck, he doesn't want this anymore. Dean's thrusts stutter for a moment before his hand returns to Castiel's thigh. There's wetness on Castiel's cheeks and it's only now that he realises he's crying. Castiel strokes his cock as quick as he can, the heat building and building, pulling and pulling until he finally releases all over his own hand and stomach. 

Dean buries his face in Castiel's shoulder a moment after, thrusting up as hard and quick as he can. Dean bites into his shoulder just as Castiel feels Dean come inside of him. Dean lazily thrusts a few more times before he comes to a stop and pulls his soft cock out of Castiel. Castiel immediately places his feet on the ground and pushes Dean away.

He wipes at his face with his clean hand as he quickly searches for his own boxers, pulling them on as he finds them and not even caring about the come dripping out of his ass. Castiel's chest heaves as he backs against the wall, sliding down it until he hits the floor. He grabs his shirt off the floor and wipes what he can off of his hand and stomach. Just breathe. 

Dean fumbles with doing up his own pants before he slides down the wall to sit next to Castiel. It's quiet. Their heavy breathing the only sound filling the room. Castiel rests his elbows on his knees and puts his head in his hands. It's too quiet.

"Are you going to leave me?" Castiel's voice cracks, his throat closing up at the mere suggestion of it. He turns his head and watches as Dean's stares at his hands. The silence draws on. Castiel's eyes sting. 

"No." Castiel's whole body practically deflates. He nods, swallowing around the tears clogging up his throat. 

"Okay. That's - ah - that's good. That's great. Fuck, I'm sorry." Castiel mutters, his hands starting to tremble. "I just - I don't know what's happening. One minute we're fine and the next you're angry and avoiding me and I don't know what's - " Castiel's lets out a deep shuddering breath as Dean's hand finds his own, interlacing their fingers together. Castiel squeezes it tight, as though it will hold down the tears the might come again.

"I know." Dean says, his eyes searing into Castiel's. "And I'm sorry. For everything. For being so fucking shitty at just telling you what's going on. But I - I just need some time to think."

"Why couldn't you just tell me that?" Castiel asks, and Dean just has a sad look in his eyes. "I mean, what did you need to think about. Your father?" Dean shrugs. Castiel feels it build. Like a dam wall about to collapse. "About us?" 

Dean looks down. "Yeah." Castiel shakes his head. 

"What do you m - " Castiel's throat closes up. What does that mean? What is there to think about? What is there - " _Dean_." Castiel's voice breaks and so does he. 

Dean's arms are around him in a second, pulling him as close as he can. "Please don't leave me. Fuck, please don't leave me." Castiel sobs, tears streaming down his face. And it's stupid. Because here they are again. Dean comforting him when it should be the other way around.

"Shh, I'm here. It's okay, I'm here. I'm not going to leave you." Dean says, pressing his forehead against the side of Castiel's face. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry."

Dean whispers to Castiel until his shoulders stop shaking and his breathing evens out. And then it's quiet again. But this time, Dean's touching him in the way he really craves. 

"C'mon. Let's take a quick shower and then you can get some rest." Dean says, and Castiel squeezes his hand tight, panic welling up.

"Are you leaving?" 

"No, fuck, Cas. No, I'm not leaving. I'm staying here. With you." Dean says, and Castiel lets out a deep breath before he nods. 

"Okay."

Dean pulls him up and leads him to the shower. Dean turns the hot water on before pulling off his socks and boots and stepping out of his jeans and boxers. Castiel pushes his own boxers down before stepping into the shower. 

"What's that?" Dean asks, and Castiel turns to see the concern on Dean's face. 

"What?"

"On your back." Shit. Castiel's eyes drop closed. Maybe he should lie. No. He doesn't want Dean lying to him anymore, so he shouldn't either.

"Alastair." he says, and watches as Dean's jaw sets. 

"When?" 

"After your father came - when I was heading back here. They - they cut me off, pinned me down..." Castiel shrugs and watches as Dean's face falls, a hand coming up to rub over his face.

"Fuck, are you okay? What else did he do to you?" Dean asks.

"Nothing. Your friends, Michael and Victor, actually came over before they could do anything else." Castiel can see the slight relief on his face but he can also see the anger that Dean's trying really hard to suppress.

"Why didn't they tell me? Why didn't you - " Dean cuts himself off, before he can finish what he was about to say. Castiel flicks his eyes down. Because they both know that Dean wasn't there for Castiel to tell him anything. "Fuck, this is my fault. I should've been there - "

"Can we just - can we not do this now. Please." Castiel says, reaching out to grab Dean's hands in his own and pull Dean towards him and under the warm spray. Dean lets out a deep breath, before resting his forehead against Castiel's.

"Yeah. Okay." Dean breathes, against Castiel's lips. 

They take their time. Dean washing himself first before insisting that he do Castiel too. Castiel lets him. It's nice. He even feels relaxed. And for most of it, he's able to keep his thoughts away from thinking about it.  _About us_. About how Dean might have spent the last few days thinking about them. But what does that mean? Was he thinking the whole time about whether or not he should leave Castiel? Fuck.

Castiel stops and focuses on how gentle Dean's hands are. Smoothing over every inch of his skin, even over the bruise on his back. 

When he's finally finished, he places his hands lightly on Castiel's face and lifts it up to meet his own eyes. "Better?" Dean asks, voice as gentle as ever. Always so gentle. Castiel manages to give him a small smile.

"Better."

Castiel finds a new pair of boxers and his soft pyjama shirt and pulls them on, offering Dean a pair of boxers when he realises Dean's own are dirty and sticky from his come. Castiel starts to clean up the books and pens that have been scattered all over the floor, Dean coming over to help once he's dressed. Castiel continues on in silence throwing all of his dirty clothes in the dirty clothes basket and then going over to unpack the few things from his backpack as Dean sits on the edge of the bed and waits for him. 

Castiel's muscles ache by the time he wanders over to his bed. Dean shuffles over to the other side, holding the covers up so that Castiel can get in. They lie down on their backs once he does, staring at the ceiling with their hands on their own stomachs. 

"I'm sorry I hurt you." Dean says, and Castiel turns his head. 

"I'm sorry I hurt _you_." Castiel responds, and Dean turns his own head to meet Castiel's eyes in the dark. "I didn't mean any of the things I said. Please tell me you know that." Dean stares at him before shrugging.

"You might not of meant it but that doesn't make some of it any less true." Dean says, and Castiel's heart aches.

"No, Dean. No, none of it's true. What you did for me? Coming out to everyone when you knew he could find out? You are far from a coward, Dean." Dean's eyes start to shine and he looks back up to the ceiling. Oh how he wishes he never said it at all. Dean's father has already hurt him so badly. Castiel shuffles onto his side, placing his arm over Dean's waist and resting his head on Dean's chest. He swallows. "Dean. Whatever he said to you, please don't believe him."

Quiet. And then, "I'm okay." 

Castiel lifts his head to meet Dean's eyes and suddenly every other thought or doubt fades away. Maybe it's because he's tired. Or maybe it's because somehow, just for now, he actually believes Dean. But Castiel smiles. "Then, so am I." Dean's eyes smile back. "Just promise me you won't be gone in the morning."

"I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter and leave a comment below and let me know what you think! I adore reading them (even if lately I've been late to responding)! Also if you see any massive typos - please let me know so I can change it right away! I hope your week is wonderful! Love you guys! <3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	19. Chapter 19

Castiel's never felt so relieved when he wakes up to the feeling of a warm body next to him. Castiel flicks his eyes up to Dean's face to see that he's already awake. Castiel lets out a deep breath and Dean's own eyes flick down to meet Castiel's.

"Hey." Dean says, his voice soft.

"Hey." Castiel gives him a small smile back.

"You sleep alright?" Dean asks, and his fingers start to brush up and down where they rest on Castiel's shoulder. Castiel feels like he could stay in bed like this all day.

"Better than I did the night before." Castiel replies, and a small smile finally graces Dean's lips.

"Me too." he says, before leaning down and placing a small kiss on Castiel's forehead. Castiel's eyes flutter closed at the touch and it feels as though all of the tension drains from his body. Dean rests himself back down on the bed and his empty hand finds Castiel's own on his chest and intertwines them.

"So...when are we supposed to be getting to Kansas?" Dean asks, and Castiel sighs. He wishes they could just have one day to themselves. Just one day where they can lie in bed and relax. Apparently that's too much to ask.

"I told my mother that I would be there at seven for an early dinner." 

"Okay. We'll leave a few hours before that, then?" 

"Yeah." Castiel breathes out, now not really wanting to go at all.

"Are you nervous?" Dean asks, and Castiel tilts his head to see Dean's face. He hadn't really thought about it. And with everything going on lately, it was really the least of his worries. Castiel shrugs.

"I don't know. Maybe once I get there." Dean nods, his thumb smoothing over Castiel's knuckles. 

"Well I am." Dean says, and Castiel's eyebrows pull together.

"You're nervous about meeting my family?" Castiel asks, and Dean huffs.

"It's not so much that part that I'm nervous about." Dean responds, but Castiel just continues to look confused. Dean bites his lip. "You know, the whole 'I'm telling my family that were together' part."

"Oh." He'd completely forgotten about that too. "Well, it's completely understandable that you would be nervous about that, Dean." Castiel says, and watches as Dean chews on his bottom lip. "If it makes you feel any better, I honestly believe that you're family won't care." And he is being honest. Because Castiel knows what a homophobic family looks like and Dean's family, other than his father of course, seem like they would be very accepting of Dean. Castiel hopes he's right.

Dean huffs. "I'm still nervous." Castiel chuckles. 

"That's okay. At least you'll always have me, right?" Castiel says, and Dean looks down at him. Dean stares at him for a moment, looking oddly like he's trying to figure out Castiel, before he leans forward, his hand leaving Castiel's to cup his jaw, and kisses Castiel softly on the lips. 

"Right." Dean whispers, giving him one more kiss before pulling away. "I should probably get going." Dean sits up and pulls the sheets back. Castiel sighs. "I have a class in an hour and I want to get my stuff packed before then." Dean climbs over Castiel and starts picking up his clothes to pull on. Castiel sits up and leans against the headboard, watching. "I'll text you when I'm coming over to pick you up, okay?"

"Okay." Castiel says, checking the time to see that it's past nine. "I'll be waiting." Dean looks up from where he's pulling on his jeans and smiles. A big one this time. Castiel has class later in the afternoon so he's going to have to miss it. But that doesn't matter. He'll catch up on it later. 

By the time Dean's finished pulling on all his clothes, Castiel feels fully awake. Dean wanders over to Castiel and places another small kiss on his lips. "I'll see you later, then."

"Yeah, see you later." Castiel says, and Dean smiles before walking out the door and closing it softly behind him. Castiel sinks back into the pillow and takes a deep breath. Right. They're going to be okay. 

Castiel pushes himself off of the bed before he can get too comfortable and wanders over to his clothes drawer, pulling it out to reveal the presents he had purchased for Dean's birthday. The next ten minutes is spent trying and failing to wrap them neatly in old newspaper. He's never been very good at it. At least he can say he tried, though. Castiel huffs, placing them to the side. 

While Castiel picks out some things to pack in his bag for the few days they'll be spending in Kansas, Castiel's mind wanders to Dean's birthday. He'll have to somehow find a time where he can ask Dean's family if he can steal Dean away for the night. But that's only really if Dean's family accepts him. Even though Castiel is pretty sure they will, he can never be too careful. He wonders what would happen if they reacted like Castiel's own family. Castiel shakes his head. He doesn't want to think about that. After Dean's encounter with John, Castiel knows that Dean desperately needs them to stand by him. Especially Sam. His friends and Castiel aren't really enough considering how much family seems to mean to Dean.

He guesses they'll just have to wait and see what happens.

***

Castiel lies in his bed for most of the day, waiting patiently for it to be the afternoon. He feels a sense of relief wash over him when he finally gets the text.

_**My Beautiful Asshole** _

_**I'll be over in ten.** _

Castiel hops off the bed and pulls on his boots and puts his glasses on. His brain nearly fried itself with all the of the thinking he'd been doing in his spare time. Castiel checks again that he has everything he needs, before zipping up his duffel and sitting down at his desk to wait for his phone to buzz again. Ten minutes pass and his phone stays silent. But after another two, there's a knock at the door.

Castiel opens it to find Dean on the other side. Castiel tilts his head. "What are you doing up here?" Castiel asks, watching as Dean pushes past him and into his room. 

"Thought I'd help you out with your bag." Dean says, and Castiel huffs.

"You know, I am capable of carrying my own bag, Dean." Castiel says, as Dean swings Castiel's duffel over his shoulder. Dean grins.

"I know." he says, taking Castiel's hand and pulling him out the door. Castiel shakes his head. Dean pulls him practically all the way out of the building and to where his car is waiting. Castiel doesn't complain, though. He likes having Dean's hand in his own. 

"Got everything?" Dean asks, as he pops the trunk of the Impala.

"I hope so." Castiel replies, watching as Dean places Castiel's bag next to his own. 

"Alright, let's go." Dean says, slamming the trunk shut. It's silent for the first ten minutes of the drive, Castiel occasionally flicking his eyes over to Dean who's tapping his fingers to a beat on the steering wheel. It's not until Castiel feels Dean' fingers intertwining with his own does he say something.

"Are you okay, Dean?" 

"Hmm?" Dean flicks his head over for a second to see the concern that is, without a doubt, written all over Castiel's face, before turning back to the road. "Yeah, of course. Why would you ask that?"

Castiel shrugs. "You just seem kinda on edge. Are you getting nervous again?" Dean bites his lip, his hand leaving Castiel's own to rest back on the steering wheel.

"It's just - what if they're like him?" Dean says, and Castiel can hear the small inklings of panic in his voice.

"They won't be." Castiel says, trying his best to sound as reassuring as possible.

"How can you be so sure?" Dean turns his head to quickly look Castiel in the eye. "You met my family once, I've known them my whole life and I still don't know how they'll react. I mean - maybe Sammy will be okay because he might already know but - "

"How would he know?" Castiel asks, eyebrows pinching together. 

"Well, you know my dad used to call me a fag and shit like that so maybe he kinda picked it up but then again I don't know. Maybe he didn't, maybe he - " 

" _Dean_." Castiel says, cutting off Dean's rambling. "You're going to be okay." Castiel places a hand on his thigh and squeezes it, making Dean look over to him for a moment. "And yeah, I can't be sure but at the end of the day I'll still be there." Castiel smiles but Dean only looks away.

"That's not enough." Castiel's heart sinks and he moves his hand away. He knows that. He thought it himself. And he knows it's not personal but for some reason he can't help it. Having Dean say it makes it feel far worse than when Castiel thinks it. Because of course he'll never be enough.

"Fuck, Cas. I didn't mean it like that."

"It's okay, Dean. I know." Castiel says, giving him a small smile.

"No, it's not. And I know I've been saying that a lot lately but I - I don't mean...Cas, Sam's been there my whole life. I mean I practically raised him and he means everything to me. And you do too but having him turn his back on me, it would -"

"I know, Dean. It's okay, really." Castiel replies, meeting Dean's eyes. Dean sighs, turning his head back to the road. "If they are accepting...will you tell them what happened the other day."

"What? With my dad?" Dean asks, scoffing.

"Yes, with your dad."

"No."

"Why not?" Castiel asks, and Dean shakes his head.

"We're not having this conversation."

"Why not?" Castiel repeats.

"Because I said so." Dean says, his hands tightening on the steering wheel.

"That's not a real reason." Castiel says, raising his eyebrows.

"Cas, just stop."

"But if they're on your side - "

" _Cas_."

"- then they may be able to help. Why do you not care about what happened?" Castiel asks, raising his voice.

"I don't _not care_."

"Well, you don't seem to want any help. It's like you don't care whether or not it happens again." Castiel's barely finished the sentence before the car is turning and Dean's pulling off to the side of the road. Dean parks, turns the car off and steps out, slamming the door loudly behind him all in a matter of seconds. Castiel watches him walk around to the back of the car before he slumps down in his own seat. God, he hates this. He hates that all they've been doing lately is fighting. But he also wants Dean to get help with his situation. Because somehow Castiel doubts that that'll be the last time that Dean's father will bother him. It seems like he can never catch a break.

Dean stays outside for awhile. Castiel's not sure what he's doing, he doesn't bother looking. He just rests his head on the window and stares out of it, trying to push down the heavy feeling in his chest. Eventually though, Castiel hears the car door open and Dean sits back inside, closing the door. But he doesn't start the car up, he just sits there, all the while Castiel stares out the window. 

"You know," Dean starts, his voice soft, "this is the first time I've ever actually been excited for my birthday." Castiel turns to meet Dean's eyes. 

"Really?" Castiel asks, and Dean nods, a sad smile on his lips.

"Yeah, I mean Sam tried. He really did. But I was more concerned with putting food on the table than him celebrating another miserable year of my life." Castiel swallows, suddenly feeling his anger melt away. "And we never had the money to go out anyway. And when we moved in with Bobby, it was nice but - I don't know, I guess I was just so used to it not being a big deal." Dean pauses, looking at Castiel with fondness in his eyes. Castiel doesn't feel worthy of it. "But now that I'm with you, well, even though I'm fucking terrified about what could happen tonight, I'm still somehow excited about tomorrow." Castiel blushes slightly and looks down, his heart pounding faster in his chest. Maybe he is enough. Dean huffs a laugh. "I mean, how can I not? Anything is exciting when you're involved."

Castiel looks up when he feels Dean's fingers intertwining with his again. "I don't want to spend my birthday fighting with you." Dean says, and Castiel suddenly feels like an asshole.

"Of course. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry." 

"No, I - I keep pushing all of these decisions on you when I shouldn't be. I mean, it's your life, not mine. I guess I just can't help it...but I'll try my best to stop." Castiel says, and Dean sighs behind him. 

"Cas, you have the biggest fucking heart I've ever seen and I don't know how I ever ended up so lucky. You care about me way more than you should and I just - I care about you too and I don't want you involved in this mess." Castiel wants to butt in and tell him that he can take care of himself. That all he wants is for Dean to be okay. But he stops himself short. Because he knows it will only start another fight. "I don't want you to get hurt because of this. Because of me. I just want us to be happy together."

Castiel nods, and Dean squeezes his hand. "Come here." Dean says, pulling Castiel over until they're pressed up against each other's sides. Dean places an arm around Castiel as Castiel rests his head on Dean's shoulder. He sighs, letting his eyes slip closed for a second. This is what he wishes it would be like all the time. In each other's arms. But of course, nothing in Castiel's life was ever so easy. 

Dean brushes the hair out of Castiel's face and places a small kiss on his forehead. Castiel looks up and smiles. "We should probably get going again. Don't want to be late." Dean says, and Castiel nods before shuffling over to his own seat. 

"So, who am I meeting?" Dean asks, as he starts up the car and pulls back onto the road. It's strange to hear him say it. It feels like not too long ago that they were driving to Kansas to see Dean's family for the Christmas holidays. Well, it has only been a month. But somehow it's been the craziest month of his life. Castiel shakes his head, waving his thoughts away and goes on to explain to Dean who he'll be meeting. He starts with his siblings, Luke, who they ran into at the mall, "Oh, yeah. I totally forgot about that. That was fucking crazy," and Hester, his sister. They're the perfect little children of the family and poke insults and snide remarks at Castiel whenever they can.

Then there's his parents. His father, who is much quieter than the rest of the family, occasionally throwing in his input but for the most part just keeping to himself. His mother, who is polite enough to not say anything around strangers but never holds back when it's in their own home. 

"Sound like a bunch of dickheads." Dean says, after Castiel's finished. Castiel chuckles. 

"Yes, they are." Castiel responds, running a hand through his hair.

"You'll be fine, Cas." Dean reaches over to squeeze his thigh reassuringly. Castiel gives him a thankful smile before sinking down in his seat. For the next hour, neither of them speak, both aware of the nerves that are running through both of him. Dean has the radio on but not loud enough that Castiel can't fall asleep if he wants too. And eventually he does, his body and mind too tired from the last few days to be able to keep him awake. Castiel doesn't know how Dean stays awake, let alone still look so fucking handsome when he's tired. 

He wakes with about twenty minutes to go and while Dean notices, he doesn't say anything. He only speaks to ask which house is Castiel's and when they pull up in front of it, Castiel stares out the window and takes a deep breath. It's dark outside now. But fortunately, not raining. 

After a few seconds of silence pass by, Castiel feels a hand on his arm. "Do you still want me to come?" Dean asks, and Castiel sighs.

"Yeah, I do." Dean gives him a reassuring smile.

"Well, whenever you're ready." Castiel smiles back and shuffles over the seat to plant his lips on Dean's own. Dean brushes a thumb down Castiel's jaw and he feels like maybe they'll be okay.

"Okay, let's go." Castiel says, pulling back and sliding out of the car. Castiel walks up to the porch, Dean following close behind, a hand on the small of his back which makes Castiel smile. He rings the door bell once and they wait. It's not too long before Castiel can hear someone behind the door and suddenly it's swinging open to reveal the face of his mother. 

"Castiel," she starts, her smile becoming even faker when her eyes flick over to Dean. "and who's this?'

"Hello, mother. This is Dean." Castiel says, walking inside.

"So lovely to finally meet you Mrs Novak." Dean says, stopping beside Castiel in the hallway and extending a hand outwards. His mother stares at it for a few seconds before eventually accepting it. 

"Are you a friend of my son?" she asks, and Castiel gives her his best smile.

"No, actually he's my boyfriend." Her face falters slightly but she's quick enough to put up another smile for Dean. "Dean, why don't I introduce you to the rest of my family." Castiel says, quickly grabbing Dean by the arm and pulling him into the living room where the rest of his family is waiting. 

"Who are you supposed to be?" Hester says, not even bothering with greeting them.

"Cas' boyfriend. Nice to meet you." Dean says, extending his hand. Hester stares at it, as Luke and his father's eyes widen. 

"Okay, ah, Dean, this is Hester, Luke and my father." Castiel says, as Dean drops his hand. 

"I'll get another plate, then." his father says, heading into the kitchen.

"Well...uh, happy birthday." Dean says, nodding towards Luke. 

"My birthday isn't until the 26th." Luke responds, and Castiel rolls his eyes.

"Okay, looks like dinner's ready on the table. Why don't we sit?" Castiel doesn't wait for a reply, dragging Dean down to take the two seats on one side of the table. 

Dinner is awkward to say the least. Half of the time it's silent, in which Castiel amuses himself by watching Dean wolf down the dinner his mother had cooked. When it's not silent, his parents ask about his grades and just how college is going in general, although it's easy to see that his mother is straining herself by just sitting in the presence of Castiel and Dean. After Castiel gives them the shortest run down possible he notices Luke staring at Dean out of the corner of his eye. Dean doesn't seem to notice but after a whole minute passes by, Castiel's about to open his mouth when Luke beats him to it. 

"I recognise you from somewhere." he says, placing his elbows on the table - which would usually have his mother going off about manners if it were Castiel - and eyes Dean carefully. Dean finally looks up, swallowing around some potato before responding.

"Well, I did go to the same high school and I also live a few blocks away so I wouldn't be surprised if you've seen me before." Luke leans back in his chair and Castiel can practically hears the cogs turning in his mind and then he smiles.

"No, that's it - I knew it."

"Knew what?" Castiel responds, feeling just as confused as Dean looks beside him.

"I saw you two at the mall. At Christmas time." Castiel turns to Dean, his mouth dropped open and Dean suddenly starts laughing.

"I bet it was when we were running out of the change room's - " His mother gasps from across the table and Castiel can't help but smile at what she probably thinks they were doing in there, "because when I took over we were way more stealthy." Dean wipes his eyes from laughing too hard and Castiel can't help but chuckle to himself. After all the hard work, Luke still saw them. Castiel smile fades when his mother butts in though.

"You were in Kansas at Christmas time?" she asks, almost incredulous. Castiel can already tell this isn't going to end well.

"Uh, yes. Dean invited me to stay with his family for a few days." His mother's eyes flick back in between the two of them.

"And you - what? Didn't think to tell us?" Castiel almost rolls his eyes but just restrains himself in time.

"Why would I tell you? You told me not to come home." Castiel says, in the calmest voice possible. He can see Luke and Hester exchanging looks - knowing that they're going to enjoy the entertainment that will come next. 

"Yes, because of things like this." she says, waving her hands frantically between Dean and Castiel. And there it is.

"Because I'm who I am?" Castiel replies, cocking his head. The tension in the room immediately dials up a notch and Castiel can practically feel all eyes boring into him.

"This is not who you are. No child of mine will be a homosexual."

"Oh for God's sake, this isn't a choice." Castiel's voice raises slightly, his frustration growing by the second. He can't count on his fingers how many times they've had this type of conversation.

"How dare you talk to me like that." she says, and Castiel squeezes his fists together where they rest on the table.

"Are you serious?" Castiel asks, throwing his arms up. "All you've ever done is talked down to me, told me I'm wrong or sick or some bullshit and I can't take anymore. Why can't you just accept me for who I am?" 

"Do you know what it's like to be the mother of someone like this?" his mother challenges, and Castiel punches out a bitter laugh just as he feels a hand on his knee. 

"Oh, really? You think it's bad that one of you're children is wrong but what about me, huh? I have a whole fucking family that hates me." 

"We will not pay for you to stay at college anymore if you continue like this." she says, and Castiel feels like he's being slapped in the face.

Panic wells up in his chest and all he can get out is, "Are you fucking kidding me?" Dean's hand squeezes even tighter on his knee.

"I am serious, Castiel." she says, and Castiel looks around at his family. Looks them each in the eye only to have them all look away. 

"Okay, fine." Castiel says, abruptly standing up. "You know what? Stop sending the money. I'll just move in with Dean and then we can fuck whenever we want." His mother's face blanches at that and Hester chokes on the water she's drinking. "C'mon, Dean. We're leaving." Dean quickly stands up beside him, taking Castiel's hand in his own and Castiel turns, walking them towards the front door.

"You're not welcome back until you stop this." he hears his mother shout behind him. 

"I guess, I'll never be coming back then!" Castiel yells back before he slams the door behind them. Castiel quickly jogs down the porch steps, letting go of Dean's hand to run his own through his hair. "Fuck, fuck." Castiel mutters, walking towards the car, Dean catching up behind him.

"Cas? Cas, are you okay?" Dean asks, and there's hand resting on his shoulder to try and spin him around but Castiel doesn't meet his eyes. Everything is collapsing around him.

"No. No, I'm - where the fuck am I supposed to go?" Castiel says, his hands starting to tremble. 

"What are you talking about? You just said you can stay with me." Dean says, placing both hands on Castiel's shoulder and finally getting Castiel to look at him.

"I can't do that to you, Dean. I'm already a fucking burden on you and you'd get sick of me soon enough if I was around you all the time." Castiel rambles, feeling tears well up behind his eyes.

"Cas, stop." Dean starts, and now there are warm hands on his face that he wishes he could just melt into. "Stop this. You're not a fucking burden, okay? And how could I ever get sick of you?" Castiel swallows, not wanting to open his mouth in fear of breaking down. Dean's eyes are soft but firm when he speaks again. "You're staying with me, Cas." 

Castiel nods, just as the first sob comes out and Dean's arms are quickly around him, pulling him close so that is head is buried into the crook of Dean's neck. Dean's warm and one hand lightly strokes up from the small of his back to the base of his neck. Castiel's chest heaves and he somehow manages to calm himself down enough that only a few tears escape him. Castiel's fingers curl into Dean's jacket, not wanting to ever let go. But of course something has to interrupt them.

"Hey, Cas. Your father's coming over." he says, quietly into Castiel's hair and Castiel sighs, pulling away from him to adjust his glasses and wipe at his eyes. His father comes to a stop a few metres from them and Dean places his hand on Castiel's back.

"What do you want?" Castiel asks, his voice tired and lacking any real anger. 

"Castiel, I'm not letting your mother stop the payment for you to stay at college." Castiel blinks. Did he just hear that? "I know that you worked very hard to get to where you are now and while I may not support...this," his father flicks his eyes between the two, "I do support your education and after all you've done, you earned this." Castiel stands speechless for a few moments, not really sure what's happening.

"Um, thank you, I..."

"You don't have to say anything. I wish you both well and if you ever do want to come home, you can but...maybe give it some time." Castiel nods, shakily, bringing his hand up to wipe at his eyes again.

"Thank you, Mr Novak." Dean says, and his father gives them both curt nods before he's turning and walking back up to the house.

"What the fuck?" Dean says, turning to him with his mouth hanging open. 

"Yeah, I'm not sure what just happened." Castiel says, and it's true. Maybe his father isn't as loud as his mother but he's always made it clear that he has the same stance against Castiel's so called 'chosen lifestyle'. That was certainly out of the blue.

"It's a good thing though, right?" Dean asks, and Castiel nods.

"Yeah." Dean doesn't waste time in pulling him in again. And Castiel suddenly doesn't care about why or how that possibly came about. Because it happened. And that's probably the nicest thing anyone in his family has ever done for him. 

"So..." Dean raises his eyebrows when they pull away. "Onto the next family, then." Castiel can't help it. He smiles and presses his face into Dean's chest. Dean's fingers run through the hair at the back of his head in the most soothing way possible and when Castiel looks up, Dean immediately pulls him into a kiss. 

"Onwards and upwards." Castiel responds, and Dean huffs.

"Yeah, let's hope so."

It only takes them around five minutes to drive over to Dean's house and when they do, Castiel can see just how nervous Dean is now. "That dinner probably wasn't the most uplifting thing to have before this." 

Dean lets out a deep breath. "No, probably not." He stares at the house through the window and Castiel waits patiently until he's ready. "Let's get this over with." Dean finally says, opening the door and hopping out of the car. Castiel follows. They grab their own bags out of the trunk and much to his surprise, Dean grabs his hand and leads him up the the front door. But then he hits the doorbell and immediately lets go. Castiel's not disappointed though. He knows what Dean must be feeling right now.

The familiar face of Sam is the one they see when the door is opened. "Dean! Cas!" Sam exclaims, turning to both of them before he throws himself at Dean. Dean hugs him back, quickly and then Sam is wrapping his arms around Castiel and squeezing him tight. "It's so good to you guys again."

"It's nice to see you again too." Castiel says, smiling back at Sam. 

"Well, come in, come in. We were just watching the football while waiting for you." Sam says, ushering them in and Castiel keeps his eye on Dean, who is much more stiffer than usual. They walk into the living room to see the other three all turn their heads and smile. 

Choruses of 'hey's and 'it's so good to you both again's fill the room and suddenly all of them are up out of their seats and giving Dean hugs. Castiel even gets a hug from Ellen although Jo sticks to a slap on the back and Bobby sticks his hand out for him to shake. It's so different from his own family that Castiel feels slightly awkward but at the same time he feels warmth in his chest that he doesn't really know how to place.

"Alright, alright. That's enough. Let's go sit down already." Dean says, pushing his way through to the couch and dumping his bag down behind it. Castiel follows suit and takes his exact same place as last time in the very corner of the couch, Dean right beside him. Once they're all sat back down again, Ellen speaks up.

"So how have you boys been?" she asks, and Castiel looks to Dean to see his gaze already on him. 

"Ah, good, yeah." Dean says, turning back towards Ellen. "I, um, actually have an announcement to make." A few eyes widen and lips pull up. 

"Don't tell me you got kicked off the damn team for being stupid." Bobby says, as gruff as ever, and Dean gives a small chuckle.

"No, it's, uh..." Dean bites his lip, looking down at his hands. "Wow, this is harder than expected." he says, huffing out an awkward laugh.

"I can do it if you want, Dean." Castiel says, and Dean eye's flick to him for a second before they return back down.

"No, I can. It's...um, so as all of you know this is Cas and...uh..." Dean takes a deep breath. "He's kinda my boyfriend." he finishes, finally looking up to his family, Castiel doing the same.

"Oh my god." Jo says, her lips curling up and something in Castiel breathes a sigh of relief but then -

"Wait, wait, wait." Sam starts, and the panic is written all over Dean's face. "Were you together at Christmas?" Castiel's eyebrows pull together. That question was seemingly innocent and by the looks of the fond smiles on Bobby and Ellen's faces and the biggest shit eating grin on Jo's, Castiel thinks that maybe this'll turn out just fine.

Dean turns to him, looking just as confused - if a tad more frightened - and Castiel just shrugs and answers for him. "I mean, yeah, I guess."

"Ha! I win. You all lose. Beat that." Sam says, gesturing towards the other three in the room. Castiel's really doesn't think he's ever been more confused in his lifetime. And he's guessing by the looks of Dean's face, that he's never been more confused either.

"Wait, stop. What's - what's - " Dean starts, eyes flicking between every member of his family.

"Oh, sorry." Sam responds. "After Christmas, we - ah - each placed a bet on whether or not you guys were together and I was the only one who said you were."

Dean brings a shaky hand up to run down his face and Castiel leans over so their shoulders are brushing, placing a hopefully comforting hand on Dean's bicep. "Wait - ah fuck - so...you're like okay that I'm..." Dean says, waving his hand vaguely between Castiel and himself.

Sam's face immediately softens. "Of course, Dean. I mean, I already had my suspicions about you liking guys too but after Christmas - you guys stared at each other a _lot._ It's kinda hard not to notice." Dean suddenly laughs, leaning back up and Castiel can see tears in Dean's eyes. 

"Fuck - that's - ah - great. That's great." Dean says, blinking to try and hold back the tears from falling. Ellens gets up and crosses the room over to him.

"Come here." she says, and Dean stands up to be enveloped in a hug. "You are such a wonderful boy, Dean. You're my wonderful boy. How could we ever hate you for who you are?" Dean buries his face into her hair and Castiel feels all of his emotions well up inside of him.

He gets a hug from Jo next who whispers something in his ear that makes Dean laugh. He gets a big one from Bobby who pulls back only to hold his face in between both hands and tells them that all he ever wanted was for Dean to feel safe. Castiel feels his eyes sting at that and he angles his head down in hope that no one will notice. Dean practically deflates when Sam puts his arms around him and tells him he's proud of him. It tugs at Castiel's heart. The amount of love and adoration Dean is getting right now is something Castiel could never imagine for himself.

Dean finally pushes back and ruffles Sam's hair, muttering, "Smart ass," before sitting back down next to Castiel. Dean takes his hand and squeezes it tight. 

"You okay, Cas?" he asks, softly, ducking his head to catch Castiel's eye. Castiel swallows.

"I'm just so happy for you. You deserve this." Castiel responds, his voice cracking over the last word. He clears his throat. "Um - excuse me for a moment. I'll take my bag up." Castiel gives a small smile to everyone as quickly as possible before standing up, grabbing his bag and walking upstairs. Castiel dumps his bag on the floor and sits down on the bed. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. In and out.

"Cas?" Castiel opens his eyes to see Dean gently shutting the door behind him. Castiel attempts to give him a small smile.

"Go be with your family, Dean. This is your moment. I don't want to get in the way." Dean sighs, walking over to Castiel and kneeling down in front of him.

"I'm not going to leave you when you're upset." 

"I'm not upset. I'm happy for you. Your family is so great. You deserve them." Castiel says, but Dean's eyes are only sad.

"What and you don't?" Dean says, and Castiel doesn't know how to respond. "You don't deserve a family that accepts you?" 

Castiel bites his lip and shrugs. Dean shakes his head.

"How could you think that?"

"Just go be with your family." 

"I'm not leaving until you're okay." Dean insists.

"This is your time, Dean, not mine. I already make enough things about myself." Castiel says, and Dean scoffs.

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Castiel doesn't understand how he can't see it.

"I'm making this about myself because I'm jealous that you have family - or at least most of a family that accepts you when I d - when I don't have that." Castiel says, his voice finally breaking and the tears finally spilling. Dean is up on the bed beside him with his arms around Castiel in an instant. And he hates it. He hates that he can barely even be happy for Dean for once second without it being twisted. Without him being jealous. What kind of horrible person does that? 

But then - "You deserve so much more than them, Cas. You deserve the whole fucking world and I hope that one day I can make you believe it." Castiel hopes that one day he can too because as of right now, it sounds like a joke.

When he eventually calms down, Dean places a kiss on his cheek before pulling back. Castiel wipes at his face and sniffles a bit until Dean grabs a box of tissues from the bedside table and passes them to Castiel. "How about you stay up here and I'll go downstairs and you know, tell them about us - sound good?" Dean says, as Castiel blows his nose. Castiel's about to nod when he realises what Dean means. Their...well, unfortunate history.

"Dean, you don't have to do that." Castiel says, because it would probably ruin the moment by telling your family that you kinda bullied the guy you're now dating. But Dean seems adamant.

"Yes, I do. I don't want to lie to them and I'd rather get it out of the way now. Also I kind of owe you. this." Castiel sighs before finally nodding. "Okay, well, you can take a shower or just curl up in bed. Whatever you want, baby." Castiel smiles and leans into Dean's shoulder. "And when I'm done, I'll come back upstairs, okay?"

"Thank you, Dean." Dean smiles back.

"You deserve it." 

Dean leaves after one last kiss on the cheek and Castiel is finally left alone. He sits for a while, just staring at the wall before he finally collects all of his dirty tissues and makes his way to the bathroom. When he gets there he decides that yeah, he would really love a hot shower right now. He wastes no time in getting undressed, hopping under the warm spray and relaxing for the first time in quite a few hours. To say he's tired would be an understatement. This whole day has been...well, stressful and he can't wait until Dean comes back up so he can join him in bed. 

He eventually finishes with the shower, stepping out and changing into his pyjamas and putting his glasses back on before slipping under the covers with a book in hand.

Castiel opens it up to the page that is bookmarked, the jagged lines of the engraving on the necklace digging into his hand as he places it down beside him.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *leaves this here and recedes into the shadows* jk, wow, these past few weeks have really not been my weeks, have they? I blame this incredible lateness in the spn finale *insert middle finger emoji*, jibcon, and the last few days where something really weird happened to me and I won't even try to explain. Don't hate me! I know I said this last week (and probably all the weeks before that) but I will try my hardest to get this next chapter up on Thursday! Wish me luck!
> 
> Anyways, I hope you like this chapter and leave a comment below and let me know what you think! I adore reading them (even if lately I've been late to responding)! Also if you see any massive typos - please let me know so I can change it right away! I hope your week is wonderful! Love you guys! <3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	20. Chapter 20

He's only been reading for about five minutes when he hears raised voices from downstairs. Castiel sinks down into his pillow, for once glad that he's not down there by Dean's side. After a few minutes the voices get quieter until Castiel can't hear them at all. Maybe Dean's finished telling his family about them. He places his book down on the bedside table just as he hears a knock at the door.

"Cas, it's Sam. Can I come in?" Castiel jumps up from the bed, walking across the room to pull the door open.

"Of course. Ah - come in." Castiel says, and Sam nods, shutting the door before making his way over to sit on the edge of the bed. Castiel tentatively makes his way over and sits down next to him. Sam sighs.

"Hey, I'm sorry to hear about your family. That kinda sucks." Sam says, and the corner of Castiel's lips pull up.

"It's okay. I'm used to it now." Castiel responds, even though he knows that he'll never really get used to it if tonight is anything to go by. A few moments of silence pass before Sam speaks again.

"So you and Dean weren't really friends at high school, huh?" Castiel lips pull into a tight line and he shakes his head.

"No, not really."

"I'm really sorry about what he did to you." 

"It's fine, really. We've talked about it quite a few times." Castiel replies, looking across to meet Sam's eyes.

"Yeah, I know but...my brother can be kind of a dick sometimes and he better be kissing your feet until the day you die to make up for it but...I guess it's always been kind of hard for him, you know, with our dad." Castiel nods, a frown pulling at his lips. "That day...I was waiting for Dean to pick me up from school. He skipped because he was working that day. It got late and he wasn't answering his phone so I walked home." Sam pauses, looking towards the floor.

"I found him on the floor of his bedroom, all beaten up - worse than ever - a bottle of whiskey in his hand. At first I thought he was dead. I was so scared but, you know, as soon as he woke up he was all apologising for forgetting about me, not ever focusing on himself." Castiel gives Sam a sad smile. It's so Dean. Not caring at all what happens to him, as though he deserves what he gets. "I couldn't get him to tell me what happened. He just said that he'd aggravated our dad more so than usual. That it was his own fault and that he was fine."

Castiel already knows the story but hearing it from Sam with so much more detail...it's different. It feels more real.

"It was different after that. I noticed that our father was colder to him, barely looked at him. Our dad disappeared for longer than usual one time and that's when Bobby finally moved us in. He couldn't take Dean's no for an answer anymore." Sam opens his mouth to continue but pauses as though thinking of what to say next. "I'm not...I'm not telling you this so that you'll forgive him, he should never have done that to you but I guess I just wanted you to know so that maybe you can understand a little bit more about him." 

Castiel doesn't really know what to say but ends up with, "Thank you, Sam. I really appreciate you telling me that."

"No problem. I'll see you tomorrow, then?" Castiel nods.

"See you tomorrow." Sam smiles back before standing up and slipping out of the room. Barely a few seconds later and Dean's walking in, throwing his bag down on the ground and closing the door behind him.

"How'd it go?" Castiel asks, watching as Dean sheds himself of his jacket.

"I only got punched in the arm twice by Jo, so I'd say it went pretty well." Dean says, and Castiel huffs a laugh. Dean eyes Castiel strangely for a moment before slowly walking over to him. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. I'm sorry." Castiel responds, as Dean kneels down in front of him and places his hands on either side of him.

"Stop saying sorry. There's nothing to be sorry about." Dean says, leaning up to place a kiss on the underside of his jaw. 

"I was being selfish and I wasn't think - "

"Shh." Dean cuts Castiel off, leaning even further up to place a kiss to Castiel's lips. He gently pushes Castiel back onto the bed and crawls on top of him to kiss him again. Castiel sighs when Dean trails soft kisses down his jaw, one hand running up and down Castiel's thigh. Castiel wraps his arms around Dean's shoulder and buries one hand in Dean's hair. Dean's breath is warm against his neck and after a few kisses are placed there, Dean slumps down onto half of Castiel

"Fuck, I missed you." Dean says, trailing his fingers up and down the bare skin of Castiel's thigh. 

"Missed me?" Castiel asks, eyebrows furrowing. 

"Yeah. You know, the last few days with me avoiding you when I could've had this." Castiel runs his hand through Dean's hair, receiving a hum from Dean. He frowns.

"I thought I made you feel like everything was falling apart." Dean leans up again and kisses Castiel barely a second after he finishes his sentence. 

"I didn't know what I was saying." Dean mumbles in between kisses and Castiel doesn't push further. Dean finally pushes himself away and Castiel leans himself up on his elbows to watch as Dean undresses. "Like what you see?" Dean asks, a smug smile on his face as he gets to shimmying out of his jeans. 

"Maybe." Castiel responds, chuckling when Dean takes his shirt off torturously slow. Dean grins, winking at Castiel before moving forward and taking Castiel's glasses off. Castiel smiles, watching as Dean places them down carefully on the bedside table. He then rounds back over to Castiel and shoves his hands under Castiel's thighs. Castiel smiles, wrapping his arms around Dean's neck just before Dean picks him up. 

Dean adjusts him slightly in his arms, grinning all the while and walks on his knees up the bed so he can place Castiel's head down gently on the pillows. So similar to the last time they were here but also so different. Everything's different. 

Dean smiles down at him before leaning in slowly to kiss him. He drags Castiel's bottom lip between his teeth and Castiel lets out a satisfied sigh. 

"I'm glad you came." Dean says, his voice quieter than it was just seconds ago. Castiel swallows.

"Me, too." he says, but he's not quite sure he believes it. In the end, Dean didn't need him. Castiel just made things worse. Probably made him feel bad. The corner of Dean's lip pull down slightly as though he knows what's going through Castiel's mind. Castiel speaks before he can.

"So, what did you tell them?" 

Dean let's out a deep breath, the frown disappearing from his face and flops over onto his back beside Castiel. "Well, I started with high school, what happened with my father and how I took it out on you after that." Dean says, looking over to Castiel. "Then I, kind of awkwardly, explained the beginning of our relationship - " Castiel cringes. Yeah, he's definitely glad he wasn't down there. "- and all the times I was a fucking asshole and hurt you. And how _somehow_ you still found it in that big fucking heart of your to give me another chance."

Now it's Castiel's turn to let out a deep breath. "Wow."

"Yeah."

"Sam came and talked to me." Castiel says, and Dean punches out a laugh.

"Yeah, I know. I think he wanted to get you as far away from me as possible." Dean responds, and Castiel smiles, looking up at the ceiling for a moment before looking back.

"Thank you. For doing that." Dean waves a hand dismissively. 

"Don't have to thank me. It would have come out eventually. I couldn't lie to them." 

"Still." Castiel says, voice firm and making sure he catches Dean's eyes while he says it. "Thank you." Dean pauses this time, looking at Castiel as though he's searching for something. Castiel stares back and finally Dean grins. 

Dean rolls back over on top of Castiel, leaning an elbow on one side of Castiel to hold himself up as the other rests on his waist. "What did I do to deserve you, huh?" Castiel smiles so wide it hurts and something flutters inside his chest. The hand on his waist moves down and under to grip his ass. "What did I do to deserve this great fuckin' ass?" 

"Is that the only thing you like about me, Mr Winchester?" Castiel asks, a smile still splitting on his face. Dean shrugs.

"What else could I possibly like about you?" Castiel whacks him in the side. 

"Asshole."

"Nerd." Castiel and Dean stare at each other for a while and only when Dean looks away does Castiel realise how fast his heart is beating. Dean sighs, and lets his head drop onto Castiel's chest, his hair tickling Castiel where it touches his chin.

And then Dean's body is slumping down onto his - Castiel letting out an, "Oof," as he does. 

"Can I fall asleep like this?" Dean mumbles into his shirt. 

"No." 

"Why not? You're so comfortable." Dean whines, and Castiel huffs.

"Because I'm not comfortable. Get off." Castiel shoves at Dean shoulder and Dean leans up, pouting, before reluctantly rolling off. They both snuggle under the covers before Castiel rolls over onto his stomach, his arms tucking under the pillows. He here's a click and the light goes out. Dean shuffles around on the other side of the bed, one hand landing on Castiel's hip before he speaks. "Night, Cas."

"Goodnight, Dean."

***

The alarm clock on Dean's bedside table reads half past nine when Castiel finally wakes. Dean's still asleep on his side, facing Castiel with his arms wrapped around the pillow he's lying on. Castiel watches for a moment, just taking in how peaceful he looks. It's ridiculous. Because just by looking at him, Castiel already knows his feelings about coming to Kansas with Dean for his birthday are changing. He looks so soft and Castiel almost has the urge not to wake him. But eventually, Castiel decides that he'll probably wake up soon anyway and hops out of bed to lock the door. He somehow doesn't think anyone would actually come barging in, especially now that Dean's family knows they are boyfriends but he does it anyway. 

Castiel slips under the covers again and shuffles over to Dean. "Dean?" he starts, shaking his shoulder lightly. Dean grunts and Castiel shakes again. "Dean."

"Hmm?" Dean's eyes squint open.

"Good morning." 

"It's morning already?" Dean says, his voice gruff and wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. Castiel rolls his eyes and decides to ignore him.

"Happy birthday, Dean." Castiel says, kissing him softly on the lips. Dean hums, smiling lazily when Castiel pulls away.

"I have a present for you." Castiel says, a teasing smile on his face.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. And I would like to give it to you now." Castiel says, eyebrows raised.

"You sure?" Dean asks, looking over to the alarm clock as Castiel moves down Dean's body. "Don't you want to do it later with everyone e - _ah_ -  _fuck, Cas._ " Dean nearly shouts, as Castiel mouths over Dean's cock through his boxers. Castiel looks up.

"Are you sure you want to do this later with everyone else, Dean?" Castiel asks, and he can't help the smug smile that pulls at his lips. 

"No, fuck - we can - do it now." Dean says, finally looking awake as he slides a hand through Castiel's hair and pushes him back down towards his cock. Castiel chuckles before getting back to mouthing over the head of Dean's cock. Castiel slowly makes his way down the length, looking up to see Dean biting his lip with his eyes closed and head thrown back on the pillow.

Dean's fingers massage Castiel's head, gripping at his hair tightly when Castiel finally peels Dean's boxers down and licks away the precome at the head. He pulls at Dean's boxers and Dean lifts his hips ever so slightly so Castiel can pull them down past the curve of his ass and get better access. Castiel places his arm over Dean's hips to hold him down and swallows Dean's cock down as far as he can go. 

Dean grunts, his hips bucking up once before Castiel's pushing them back down onto the mattress. Castiel bobs his head up and down, his tongue swirling the head when he comes back up. Castiel can feels himself getting hard in his boxers and reaches his free hand down to palm himself through the cotton. "This getting you hard, Cas?" Dean says, his voice strained but quiet. Castiel nods, looking up to meet Dean's eyes. "Fuck, you should see yourself. Lips stretched wide around my cock. Just fucking sucking me down."

Castiel hums, grinding his hips down into the mattress and moving his hand up to cup Dean's balls. Dean's hips stutter and Castiel watches as he bites down on his lip again to silence a moan. "Fuck, Cas. I'm close. I'm gonna - " Castiel bobs down even faster, his hand massaging Dean's balls before moving up to stroke the length of Dean's cock that his mouth can't reach. Dean's hand clenches in his hair hard enough to hurt and his hips buck up once, twice, stall and then he's coming into Castiel's mouth with a whimper. 

He swallows as much as he can, some spilling over his chin and onto his hand. He pulls off with one last kiss to the head and sits back on his knees. Dean's already looking at him, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. "Come 'ere." Dean says, reaching out and pulling Castiel forward by his shirt. Dean doesn't hesitate to start licking up the come on Castiel's chin making Castiel's eyes flutter closed and his cock twitch in his boxers.

"So did you like your present?" Castiel asks, gasping as he leans forward and his cock meets Dean's hip. One of Dean's hands cups the back of Castiel's head and brings him forward for a kiss while the other smooths over his side and heads down towards his boxers.

"Mmm, yeah, I did. But that's only half the present, right?" Dean says, just as his hand slips under Castiel's boxers and wraps around his cock. Castiel bucks forward, his mouth falling open and leaving a wet mark on Dean's cheek. 

"Oh? And what's the other half?" Castiel asks, his hands gripping the sheets on either side of Dean. Dean's thumb rubs at the slit of Castiel's cock punching out a breath from him. Dean's other hand trails down from the back of his head and under his boxers to grab at his ass. 

"Watching you fall apart." Dean whispers, scraping his teeth over Castiel's earlobe. Castiel's already close from sucking Dean off and he's not sure how long he's going to last with Dean's hand stroking up and down his cock like he's doing now. Castiel rests his forehead on Dean's shoulder, biting his lip and thrust in and out of Dean's fist. "That's it, baby. That's it." Dean whispers, his other hand finding it's way in between Castiel's asscheeks. 

Castiel's stomach muscles flutter, his cock spilling some more precome onto Dean's hand as he fucks himself into his fist. Dean places open mouthed kisses all up his jaw, careful to not leave any marks. Castiel can feel the warmth building in his belly, the rhythm of his thrust becoming more and more erratic by the second. Dean must notice, his hand suddenly stroking faster and his hand gripping firmer around his cock. A small noise catches at the back of Castiel's throat as Dean's fingers softly catch over his rim. Castiel's hips stutter, gasping as he comes onto Dean's hand and bare stomach.   

He deflates against Dean's chest, his arms shaking and struggling to keep him upright. "There you go." Dean says, stroking Castiel through the last of it before pulling both hands out of Castiel's boxers.

"Fuck." Castiel mumbles, earning himself a chuckle from Dean. 

"Yeah, happy birthday to me." Dean says, and Castiel pulls back to smile at him. Dean uses his clean hand to pull Castiel into a kiss, soft and still tasting of Dean's come. 

"Care to join me in the shower?" Dean asks, when he finally pulls away. Castiel thinks about it for a moment before shaking his head. He still has to ask about tonight. 

"Had one last night. I'll just clean up and head downstairs for breakfast." Dean just kisses him again.

"Your loss." Castiel smiles before jumping off the bed and walking towards the bathroom. He finds a cloth and wets it, wiping down his face and hand before stepping out of his boxers and wiping down his soft cock. Dean waltzes in behind him, some clothes in his arms and slaps Castiel on the ass. Castiel glares at him but Dean just laughs. 

"You know, I do actually have another present for you?" Castiel says, going about brushing his teeth because while he's just about to have breakfast, he thinks it probably wouldn't be the best to go downstairs with his mouth smelling like come. 

"Oh, really?" Dean responds, undressing beside him. "A hand job?" Castiel rolls his eyes.

"No, a normal present." Castiel says, before rinsing his mouth with water. When he looks back up, Dean's smiling wide. 

"Really?" 

"Yes, really." Castiel responds, and doesn't understand why that would come as such a surprise to him. Dean shakes his head, taking a few steps closer and leaning in to kiss him. "Hey!" Castiel pulls back to meet Dean's frown. "I just cleaned my teeth." Dean huffs a laugh.

"Whatever. You head down. I shouldn't be long. And put some pants on. While I appreciate your bare ass, I don't think my family will." Dean says, before walking over to the shower and turning the water on. 

Castiel picks up his dirty boxers and closes the door to the bathroom behind him. He puts on a pair of new boxers and pulls some sweatpants over the top. He takes a deep breath and finally exits the bedroom and heads downstairs. 

"Morning, Cas." Sam chirps up, as soon as he reaches the living room. Sam and Jo are already seated at the table, eating away, while Bobby and Ellen are in the kitchen. There are two piles of pancakes already on the table with syrups, jams, and butter beside them. Castiel's never seen a dining table look so inviting before. 

"Good, thank you. And you?" Castiel responds, tentatively making his way over.

"Yeah, pretty good. You like pancakes?" Sam asks, and Castiel nods.

"Who doesn't?"

"Well, sit down. Dig in." Castiel does so, taking the seat across from Sam and piling a pancake onto his plate. It's only now that he realises how hungry he is. He eats slower than he wants to, not wanting to make a mess as he listens to Sam and Jo rattle on about something that must have happened at school. 

"Morning, darling." Castiel looks up to see Ellen leaning over the table and placing down some more pancakes in the centre. Castiel swallows down his food before he speaks.

"Good morning."

"Pancakes alright?"

"Best I've ever had." Ellen smiles.

"Quite the charmer, aren't you? No wonder my boy likes you." Castiel casts his eyes down, his cheeks heating up at the compliment. Ellen's about to turn away when Castiel remembers.

"I - um - actually was wanting to ask you something."

"'Course. Dean's not being a pain in the ass, is he?" she says, a hand on her hip and the corner of Castiel's lips pull up in a small smile.

"No, I was just wondering If I could take Dean out later tonight for his birthday."

"Of course! We're doing dinner at the Roadhouse at about seven and we'll probably be there for a few hours but after that he's all yours." Castiel feels a sudden wave of relief wash over him and he nods.

"Thank you."

"No problem at all. Oh, and speak of the devil." Ellen says, and Castiel turns to see Dean coming down the stairs, dressed the same as Castiel.

"Who you callin' devil?" Dean responds, eyebrows pinched together and Castiel smiles.

"Oh, look. He's finally arisen." Jo pipes up. Dean walks over and places his hands on Castiel's shoulders.

"I can't believe you started without me." Dean says, leaning over and picking a small piece of pancake off of Castiel's plate to shove into his mouth. Before he can though Ellen whacks him upside the head. "Hey!" 

Castiel barely suppresses his laugh.

"Don't hey me, boy." Ellen starts, crossing her arms over her chest. "Get your own food and don't steal from your boyfriend." Dean raises his hands in defence and waits for Ellen to turn and walk back into the kitchen before shoving the piece of pancake in his mouth.

"Looks like you've already replaced me in the family." Dean says, sitting down beside Castiel at the table. Castiel shakes his head, passing over a plate of pancakes for Dean to take some from. "Thank you. At least one person's being nice to me."

"Mornin'." Castiel looks over to where the gruff voice is coming from to see Bobby walking out of the kitchen with another plate of pancakes to place on the table.

"Morning, Bobby. What we got planned for today?" 

"What? Is it a special day or something?" Jo teases, from across Dean. Castiel watches, amused, as Dean gives her the finger.

"We'll do presents after breakfast." Ellen's starts, her and Bobby both sitting down at each end of the table. "Then you kids can do whatever you want up until seven." She points towards Dean. "We have reservations at the Roadhouse. How does that sound?"

"Pretty good to me." 

"Alright, then. Well, eat up." Everyone digs in and Castiel finds himself watching the family go about passing around the different plates and condiments, chattering to each other as they go. They're much more of a family than Castiel's ever has been. 

"So, how does it feel being twenty? Are you maturing yet?" Sam asks, after everyone seems to be chewing down on what's on their plate. 

"Excuse you, I am extremely mature." Dean replies, pointing his fork in Sam's direction. Sam raises his eyebrows. "C'mon, Cas. Back me up on this. I'm mature, right?"

Castiel smiles at the look on Dean's face. He shrugs. "Depends on the situation."

"Ha! See!" Sam says, and Dean shakes his head.

"Why did I bring you here?" Dean says, looking mock offended. 

"Actually, I think we're all glad. He's a much more polite addition to the family." Sam's words makes Castiel's chest fill with warmth along with the nods and the - "Agreed," - even though he knows they probably only mean it in a playful way. Although, he is Dean's boyfriend. So maybe they do mean it.

"See. I told you you were replacing me." Dean whispers, and Castiel smiles, ducking his head once more to hide the blush creeping up his neck.

***

Castiel heads upstairs to grab his presents while the rest clean up after breakfast, excluding the birthday boy of course. He digs through his bag to find his presents, taking only the bigger one out and leaving the smaller one inside. That's for later tonight when they're alone. He wanders back downstairs and finds Dean already sitting on the couch, the others still cleaning up in the kitchen. 

"Ooh, that looks exciting." Dean says, once he sees the wrapped present in Castiel's hand. 

"It's pretty lame." Castiel replies, sitting down beside Dean. Dean immediately shuffles over to get as close as possible to Castiel and places an arm around his shoulders.

"I'm pretty sure you thought that about my present at Christmas and it ended up being fucking awesome."

"It was just a shirt, Dean."

"Yeah, but it was a fucking awesome shirt. Which you know I wear all the time." Dean says, and Castiel has to agree with the last part because he has worn it nearly every time Castiel's been over to his apartment. 

"Well, hopefully these are fucking awesome too." Castiel responds, and Dean raises his eyebrows.

"These? There's more than one?" Castiel nods. "Well, aren't I the luckiest guy in the world." Dean says, leaning in for a quick kiss. "Two sets of handcuffs?" 

" _Dean_." Castiel hisses, immediately pushing Dean away. Dean laughs.

"What? You know you'd love them." Castiel blushes just as he sees the others coming out of the kitchen out of the corner of his eye. Sam, Jo and Bobby grab one present each from the little pile in the corner beside the television. They all sit down in their usual spots and turn to Dean.

"Who's first?" Sam asks, looking around at the others.

"We'll go. This is from your uncle and I." Ellen says, pointing towards Bobby. Bobby stands and takes a few steps over to Dean to hand him his present.

"Happy birthday, idjit." Bobby says, and Dean stands up to embrace him in a hug.

Ellen stands and hugs him next with a, "Happy birthday, honey." Dean slumps back down on the couch, tearing away at the wrapping paper to find a few nice Henley's. "I've only ever seen you wearing three different shirts and you need more. Especially if you want to look presentable for Castiel, here." Ellen says, and Dean huffs a laugh.

"Oh, c'mon. I always look presentable, don't I, Cas? And please back me up on this one." Dean says, and Castiel lips quirk up in a smile.

"You do brush up quite well." Castiel says, and Dean pumps his arm in the air. 

"Thank you, Cas. And thank you," Dean looks pointedly towards Ellen and Bobby. "for the wonderful present." And there's that wide smile on his face, as charming as ever.

"I think it would be suitable if Cas gave his present next." Sam says, and Dean eyes him carefully before looking at Castiel.

"Oh, really?" Castiel hands it over. 

"Happy birthday, Dean." Castiel says, quietly and Dean grins at him before ripping open his present.

"What the - did you overhear me and Charlie talking about this at school?" Dean asks, the biggest smile on his face as he holds a pair of Star Wars boxer briefs in his hands. 

"No, actually Sam told me that you liked it." Castiel says, looking over to see a grin on Sam's face where he sits on the other side of Dean. Dean raises his eyebrows.

"So, that's what you needed his number for." Castiel rolls his eyes.

"Yes, Dean. No need to worry. And there's another pair too." Dean looks down to see and his smile doesn't fade so Castiel takes it as a win. They're a much more simple pair. Just white with a black waistband and some cartoon footballs spotted all over them. Castiel hadn't intended to buy a second pair but they look so cute and he couldn't help himself, imagining Dean walking around in them in the morning. 

"Lame, my ass." Dean says, and Castiel gives a sheepish shrug. "I guess you deserve a kiss." Dean smiles before leaning over and kissing Castiel chastely on the cheek. Castiel feels a blush creep up his neck and doesn't have to look around the room to see that everyone's eyes are on him.

"Alright, I'm next." Jo says, and Castiel sinks further back into the couch, glad that the attention has finally been taken away from him. She hops up and gives Dean a hug before returning to her place sitting in a beanbag. Dean opens it up to find some nice looking cologne. "For when you stink." 

Dean nods. "I can't argue with that." Dean says, chuckling. "Thank you. But I'll only wear it if Cas likes it." Dean shoots a wink his way and Castiel gives him a small smile. Sam is last, Dean putting him in a headlock and ruffling his hair. 

"Dean! You know, I'm not eight anymore."

"Well, you still have that mop on your head so I can't resist."

"One day I'm going to be bigger than you." Dean snorts.

"You wish."

Sam gives him a book. One which makes Dean very happy. Castiel recognises the author, _Vonnegut_ , but he's never read one of their books before. It's another thing he didn't know about Dean. Another thing that makes Dean that much more interesting.

"Well, we better head out." Ellen says, standing and walking across the room. 

"You idjits have fun. And finish off those leftover pancakes for lunch. Don't let them go to waste." Bobby says, following Ellen towards the door. 

"Aye aye, captain." Dean responds, gathering all of his presents and wrapping paper and piling them in the corner of the room. They say there goodbyes and a minute or so later they're gone.

"What now?" Castiel asks, and Dean grins.

"Well, I thought since you've now seen Batman Begins that we could watch the last two in the trilogy." he says, moving over to the television cabinet. 

"Oh, yes. I haven't seen those in ages." Jo says, taking the seat that Bobby was in.

"Yeah, well, Cas hasn't seen them at all so this is kind of a must." Dean responds, going about putting the disc in the DVD player. Sam turns to him, mouth open wide.

"What? You haven't seen these?" Castiel shrugs.

"No." he replies, hesitantly. 

"Don't worry. You're gonna love them, they're - "

"Yeah, yeah," Dean interrupts, walking back over to the couch. "beat it, Sammy. Cas and I are taking the couch." Sam shoots Dean a disapproving look as he gets up and takes the couch chair Ellen had been siting in. Dean drags the beanbags close before plopping down next to Castiel again, an arm thrown over Castiel's shoulder and his feet up on the beanbag. 

The first movie starts and Castiel only waits five minutes before snuggling into Dean's side and putting his feet up next to Dean's. Dean gives him one of those soft looks and with a quick glance in the direction of Sam and Jo, he leans down to give him a small kiss on the lips. Castiel relishes in the way Dean strokes soothing patterns up his arm and his chest - like he always does whenever they're seated close. And after nearly three hours Castiel finds that - yes, he did love the movie. And he can tell how much Dean loves it by the way he starts quoting the entire last scene. He knows it's supposed to be serious but with Dean doing that next to him there is no way he can keep a straight face. 

It's straight onto the next, only a short pause in between as Sam and Jo turn to Castiel to ask him all kinds of questions about whether he liked it or not, which was his favourite part, or did he like the part where - until Dean tells them to shut up and puts the next movie in. He receives a few bitch faces for that. Thirty minutes into the next movie though, Sam declares he's hungry, and so off they all go to heat up the rest of the pancakes. It doesn't take them very long to finish the rest, Dean making sure none of them make too much of a mess of the dining table because he doesn't really want to have to clean it all up. Sam and Jo respond by complaining about how they in fact did all the cleaning up this morning while he sat on the couch. Castiel finds it weird how they all interact with each other - playfully insulting whoever they want to. Castiel's only ever had his siblings _actually_ insult him. 

As soon as all of their dishes are in the dishwasher though, it's back to the couch. This time Dean pulls Castiel down to lie on it and snuggles up behind him. They get a few glances from Sam and Jo, making Castiel feel slightly embarrassed but the glances are accompanied by small smiles and it's also kind of hard not to enjoy having Dean wrapped around him. Especially when he tangles their hands together and places a small kiss to the back of his neck every once in a while. It's definitely a lot harder to concentrate on this movie with Dean doing that. But on the other hand, Castiel's never enjoyed watching television for five hours straight so much in his life because of it.

Finally, _finally_ , the movie comes to an end and by the times it does, it's already starting to get dark outside. Castiel sits up and so does Dean, an arm still wrapped around his waist. "So, which one was your favourite?" Dean asks, and Castiel thinks for a moment.

"I liked the second one the best." Castiel says, and Dean smiles.

"I always had a good feeling about you." Castiel scoffs, elbowing Dean in the side. 

"It was hard enough watching the heart eyes you two gave each other. Now this." Sam says, and Castiel gives him a sheepish look.

"Shut up. If you had Cas, you'd be doing the same thing. He's just irresistible." Dean wiggles his eyebrows and Castiel attempts to give him a disapproving look but it falls flat when a smile creeps onto his face.

The next hour passes with all of them discussing other movies that Castiel should watch. Well, Castiel isn't really participating much in the conversation other than to tell them that no, he has not seen that movie. It's interrupted eventually when Ellen and Bobby come home, claiming that it's time for them to get ready for going out. Castiel helps Dean throw all of the torn up wrapping paper in the bin and carry his presents upstairs into their room. 

It's only six o'clock by the time they do that so Castiel decides to wander into the bathroom. 

"Oh, so now you want to have a shower?" Dean says, arms circling around Castiel's waist as he's trying to shimmy out of his sweatpants. 

"I never said you couldn't join me." Castiel says, turning around in his arms and smoothing his hands up Dean's biceps. Dean pouts.

"But I had one this morning." Castiel raises his eyebrows.

"Your loss, then." Castiel responds, taking the hem of his own shirt and pulling it over his head. Dean glares at him before letting go of him to pull his own shirt over his head. Castiel smirks, stepping out of his boxers and walking over to the shower.

"You're a fucking tease, you know that?" Dean says, pulling his sweatpants and boxers down in one go. Castiel's scoffs.

"Are you sure you're not talking about yourself?" Castiel asks, as he turns the hot water on and steps under the spray, making sure not to get his hair wet. Dean grins, closing the shower door and stepping closer to Castiel. 

"Maybe." he says, his grin fading into a smaller smile. "Thank you. For the presents by the way." Castiel tilts his head ever so slightly.

"They're just boxers, Dean."

"I know, I know, I just wanted to say thank you properly." Dean's hands come to rest on his hips. "And you know what?"

"What, Dean?"

"I think I might even wear the football ones to my games. Maybe they can be my like a good luck charm." Dean says, and Castiel feels a goofy smile spreading across his face as he wraps his hands around Dean's neck. 

"Yeah? What about me? Can't I be a good luck charm?" 

"You have to come to my games for that to actually work." Dean says, leaning down closer, his breath hot against Castiel's lips.

"I guess I'll just _have_ to come to your games, then." Castiel says, laughing when Dean pulls him flush against his chest and plants little kisses down his neck.

The don't take long in the shower, Dean having already cleaned himself this morning and therefore assisting in getting Castiel cleaned up - which he decides after a few moments that he in fact will do without Castiel's help. Castiel doesn't object, letting Dean take over and do whatever it is he wants to do. After that, they dry themselves and get changed, Dean making sure to let Castiel know that he's wearing his new Star Wars boxer briefs.

They're about to head downstairs when Dean stops him. Castiel watches as Dean walks over to the bedside table and grabs Castiel's glasses. Castiel gives him a bashful smile when Dean slides them on his face.

"Perfect." Dean says, voice soft and Castiel didn't realise that he could fall in love with Dean even more but somehow in this moment he does.

They only have to wait around for ten or so minutes downstairs until everyone is ready.

"Okay, let's go. We're walking and I don't want to be late." Ellen says, and Dean whines.

"What? Walking? On my birthday?" he says, and Castiel chuckles.

"It's only two blocks, Dean." Sam says, shaking his head.

"I'll let you hold my hand if you stop complaining." Castiel offers, holding his hand out. Dean stares at it for a moment before huffing and taking Castiel's hand.

"Fine. But you don't get to talk. You run like fifty miles every second morning." Dean says, pulling Castiel out the door. 

"Actually, I hate walking. That's why I run." Dean looks down at him with a lopsided smile.

"God, I am just learning new things about you everyday, aren't I?" 

"Is that a good thing?" Dean's smile grows even wider.

"Yeah, it's a good thing." 

Ellen takes a few moments to lock the front door and then they're off, walking down the street, Dean and Castiel trailing at the back. It's not too cold out tonight. And Castiel thinks that it's probably best for what he hopes Dean and him can do later on. He's been excited about it since he woke up this morning but he still can't stop the nerves that sit in the pit of his stomach. He knows that really there's nothing to be nervous about. It's not that big of a deal. But with everything that's been happening lately...sometimes he's not sure what's going on with them. 

Dean squeezing his hand shakes him out of his thoughts and he looks up to see Dean already staring at him.

"How is your birthday so far?" Castiel asks, and Dean nods.

"Kind of amazing." 

"Yeah?" Castiel responds, a big smile on his face. That's something he loves to hear after the last few days.

"Yeah, I mean it's pretty special this year." Dean says, nonchalantly. Castiel's heart swells.

"And why is that?" 

"Well, see I kind of have this boyfriend." Dean starts, and Castiel nods, trying to restrain his smile.

"Really?"

"Yeah and he's real fucking cute - _especially_ when you get him to smile and lucky me because he's been smiling a lot today." Castiel bites his lip and averts his eyes,  his cheeks heating up. "Haven't had a day like that in a while." Dean's voice has gone softer, sadder. Castiel looks back up to see the smallest of smiles on his face. Dean huffs. "And I mean, most of that's my fault because I've been - "

Castiel stops them in their tracks to cut Dean off with a kiss, his hands on either side of Dean's face. When Castiel pulls back, he brushes his thumbs over Dean's cheekbones and Dean blushes. Castiel rests their foreheads together, not caring that they're falling further behind the others. "Well, then. Here's to more days where you both smile." And as if on cue, Dean smiles.

"Yeah," he breathes out, "to more days like that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this chapter and leave a comment below and let me know what you think! Also if you see any massive typos - please let me know so I can change it right away! I hope your week is wonderful! Love you guys! <3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	21. Chapter 21

The Roadhouse is already quite full by the time they get there. They're all lead to a big booth at the back, Dean's hand squeezing Castiel's as he pulls him through the crowd. 

"You first." Dean says, finally letting go and placing his hand on Castiel's back to guide him towards the booth. Castiel shuffles along to the end until he's wedged up right against the wall. Dean shuffles in beside him, Ellen following after and Sam, Jo and Bobby sit across from them. "Been here before?" Dean raises his eyebrows and passes a menu over.

"A few times. I wasn't really allowed to go out a lot. Although Gabe and Anna were very persistent in sneaking me out." Dean snorts.

"Sounds like them." Castiel's chest fills with warmth at Dean's casual mention of his friends, as though Dean knows them now. Dean and his friends might not truly get along for a while but the thought of it makes him smile.

"So, as the expert, do you have anything to suggest?" Castiel asks, as he picks up the menu in front of him. Dean throws an arm over Castiel's shoulders and leans in closer.

"Well, as you so kindly asked, I do have a few suggestions." Dean starts, and Castiel follows Dean's finger as he points towards a few options on the menu. Castiel catches Sam trying to hide a smile when his eyes flick up briefly to look across the table. Castiel suddenly realises just how close Dean is, his face just inches from Castiel's own and his fingers stroking his shoulder ever so lightly. 

Castiel's lips form a small smile of their own as he tries to focus back on what Dean is saying. However, he's barely focused back on Dean again when the waiter comes over, interrupting them.

"Well, look who it is. The birthday boy." the waiter says, Castiel's eyes are immediately drawn to the mullet and the fact that his bare arms are showing even in the middle of Winter.

"Long time, no see, Ash. Still getting up to no good?" Dean responds, and the waiter - Ash - shrugs as Jo perks up from across the table.

"Mum keeps him in line." 

"That she does." Ash says, turning towards Ellen and winking before his eyes travel towards Castiel. "And who's this?" Castiel looks to Dean just in time to see the bashful smile on his face.

"This is my boyfriend, Castiel." he responds, and Ash's eyes seem to light up.

"Dean, it is a-bout time. You know, I have been waiting for this moment - my entire life." Dean huffs, shaking his head.

"Uh huh. Apparently everyone has." 

"Seriously, Dean, congrats and it's so nice to meet you, Castiel. Treat him well." Ash responds, leaning over the table and winking at Castiel. "Now, what can I get for you."

They each rally off their order, Castiel choosing one of the options Dean suggested and Ash salutes them before walking away. "So, I guess this is the perfect time to tell you embarrassing stories about Dean, right?" Sam says, leaning across the table with a big grin on his face.

"No, it's not." Dean replies, glaring at Sam.

"I think it will help Castiel get to know you better, actually." Bobby says, and Dean places a hand over his heart.

"How could you betray me like this?" Castiel watches, amused at the way Dean and his family bickers - Dean's family coming out on top and deciding that, yes, this is the perfect time to tell embarrassing stories about Dean. Dean just shakes his head, seemingly getting comfortable on the bench as Sam starts with the first story. 

The stories are, well...embarrassing and unfortunately for Dean - never ending. As soon as someone has finished with one story, someone else immediately butts in with another. At one point, Castiel laughs so hard he sheds a few tears. Dean, on the other hand doesn't even try to defend himself, smiling at some and going red at others. The stories only come to an end when their meals come out and everyone decides to dig in.

Halfway through his burger, Dean leans over and lowers his voice for only Castiel to hear. "So, are you _enjoying_ yourself?" Castiel chuckles, swallowing down his food before responding.

"Of course. I think I'm really starting to get to know the real you." Castiel gives him a smug smile. Dean bites his lip holding in a smile.

"Asshole."

"Oh, the roles are reversed now, are they?" Castiel hits back and Dean elbows him in the side. 

"When we go back to campus I'm asking Anna and Gabe all the embarrassing stories about you." Dean says, and Castiel's eyes narrow.

"They would never tell you." Dean raises his eyebrows.

"I don't know, Cas. I think they're starting to like me." A small smile crosses Castiel's face. He shrugs.

"I guess we'll just have to wait and see." he responds, before biting back into his burger. He's just finishing up when Bobby speaks up.

"So, Dean. Has John stopped by recently? We haven't heard from him in a while." Castiel can feel Dean stiffen beside him and he immediately thinks that this must be Dean's father they're talking about. He can feel the mood at the table shift and Sam gives him a sad look when Castiel looks up.

"No - uh - haven't heard from him for a few months actually." Castiel tries not to hide his surprise - he shouldn't even _be_ surprised seeming as Dean already told him he wasn't going to tell his family about his most recent encounter with his father. 

"So..." Ellen's voice comes from beside Dean and she leans around him to eye Castiel, "has Dean taken you on a proper date yet?" Castiel stares at her blankly for a moment, still wrapped up in his own thoughts about the current situation at hand, before he realises what she's asked.

"Oh - um - " Castiel racks his brain for anything that he could consider a date and looks to Dean to see him staring down at his empty plate, clearly not thinking about the question at hand. "I guess you could say we have." Castiel says, nudging Dean and finally gaining his attention. "That place you were going to take Sam where you took me instead. That was a date, right?"

Castiel can practically see the cogs turning in his head as he wonders what on earth he just missed before his eyes widen and he nods. "Yeah, the outdoor cinema. It's a nice place to see the stars."

"Aww, Dean. That's so romantic." Sam says, and Castiel can see a small blush climbing up Dean's neck.

"Shut up. It's not romantic." 

"It was _very_ romantic." Castiel replies, and finds Dean's hand under the table to give it a squeeze. Dean looks over, the blush - if anything - growing even more. Although, his face has gone softer and his voice is small when he speaks.

"Well, do you...like romantic?" Castiel almost rolls his eyes. Is Dean really forgetting all the romantic things he's done for Castiel - which in turn Castiel has loved? In fact, Dean's probably the biggest romantic sap that Castiel's ever met.

"Of course I like romantic." Dean turns back to Sam immediately. 

"See. Suck it." Castiel huffs a laugh and Dean squeezes his hand back under the table.

It's not long before their plates are cleared away and a family size apple pie comes out, a few lit candles sticking out of it. They sing happy birthday even though Dean tries to discourage it and when they're done Jo tells Dean to make a wish. He pauses, his smile small but beautiful. Dean looks towards Castiel and it falters slightly. Castiel's own smile fades as he watches Dean turn, and with his forehead creased in concentration, blow out the candles.

The only one who seems to catch it is Sam who Castiel sees eyeing Dean warily as they dig in to eat the pie. They stay a little longer after that, Dean wanting to catch up on what everyone else has been doing and everyone else wanting to catch up on what Dean has been doing. Castiel is content to just sit in the corner, snuggling up against Dean's side and listen for a while. He tries not to think about Dean's father. 

"So..." Castiel starts, as they're on the walk back home, Dean's hand warm in his own, "is this everything you ever wanted for your birthday?" Castiel can tell exactly what's going through Dean's mind as soon as he turns to give Castiel a shit eating grin.

"Well, there is one more thing if you're not too tired." Castiel can't help but smile back.

"Does this thing involve clothes?" Castiel asks, lowering his voice. Dean shrugs.

"I don't know. Maybe not." he responds, and Castiel shakes his head, a fond smile still plastered on his face.

"Was this morning seriously not enough for you?"

"Usually it would be but c'mon, Cas, it's my birthday!" Castiel sighs. 

"Okay, well, what if I told you that I had some more plans for you tonight and that maybe there's another chance for that if you want?" Dean's head whips around to Castiel as soon as he's finished the sentence.

" _More?_ Wow, I really am the luckiest guy in the world." Dean says, letting go of Castiel's hand to slide his arm around Castiel's waist and pull him into his side. Castiel's smile turns sheepish. He's not so sure about that. "So, when does our next adventure start?"

"As soon as we get back." Castiel's pretty sure Dean starts walking faster after he mentions that - much to his own amusement. When they finally make it back, Castiel's nerves have come rushing back again. He knows it's stupid. The present isn't really that big of a deal. Couples do this sort of stuff all the time. But Castiel's never been in a relationship before. He still so new to this and - well, the last few days haven't been their finest moments. 

Castiel swallows. It's fine. It's not a big deal. 

"Alright, what are we doing now?" Dean asks, after they shuffle through the door behind the rest of the family. 

"Okay, I'm kind of giving it away now but do you have a rug that we could lie on." Dean smiles, big and beautiful. Castiel feels the slightest wave of relief. "And maybe get your keys." Dean's eyes flick down to Castiel's lips before he bites his own lower lip and looks back up to meet Castiel's eyes.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll go get one." Dean responds, and Castiel can see the smile reaching his eyes. His own eyes smile back.

"Okay, great. I just need to go upstairs and get something." Castiel says, before turning around and bounding up the stairs. He digs out the present from his bag and shoves it on his jacket pocket without overthinking it like he has been the whole day. By the time he gets back downstairs, Dean's waiting in the hallway, spinning his keys around on his finger. Dean catches him coming towards him and turns towards the living room where the rest of the family is now seated.

"We're gonna head out. Thanks for the dinner. It was perfect as always." Dean calls out as he takes Castiel's hand in his own again and pulls him towards the door.

"Drive safely, boys!" Ellen shouts back and then the door is closed behind them.

"So, where are we going?" Dean asks, pulling him down to the car. 

"Uh - well, do you know about that little trail across from the Zeddmore's farm - "

"The one with the lake?" Dean almost yells, his eyes widening in excitement. 

"Yeah, that one." Castiel says, even more relieved that he seems to have chosen the right spot.

"Fuck yeah, I know that. Did you consult Sam about this?" he asks, narrowing his eyes at Castiel.

"No, I've actually been there before so."

"Well, aren't you full of surprises." Dean says, raising his arm and gently pulling Castiel in by the back of his neck to plant a soft kiss on his lips. Castiel's eyes flutter closed and when he opens them again, Dean's already opened the passenger door for him. "Better get going, then. Can't wait."

The drive doesn't take too long. Dean mostly talks about the times that he went there with Sam when they were little and needed an escape. Dean doesn't need to say what they needed to escape from. Castiel tells him about the time Gabriel took him there after he'd found it one day with his at the time girlfriend. Anna had come with them the next time and they'd had there first ever picnic with a basket and everything. 

Dean laughs at that, saying he can totally picture Castiel doing that. Castiel bets that Dean would secretly love doing that too.

Suddenly, the car is pulling off to the right and bumping along the small, dirt road. Cue the nervous butterflies. It's bigger than he remembers. The wide space completely blank. No benches or seats. Just a small, wooden dock, leading into the lake. 

"Looks better than I remember." Dean says, interrupting Castiel's own similar thoughts. Dean turns and grins, as charming as ever. "Maybe it's because you're here." And with a wink he's opening the door and stepping out. Castiel rolls his eyes and follows him out.

"You reckon it's cold?" Dean asks, as he bends down at the edge of the dock. Castiel comes to a stop beside him as Dean waves his hand through the water. "Oh, yeah, that's fucking cold. You gonna go for a swim?" Dean stands back up, an evil glint in his eye. Castiel steps back, hands up in defence.

"Don't you fucking dare." Dean places a hand over his heart.

"I would never. How could you insinuate such a - "

"Dean!" Castiel yells, as arms wrap around his waist and goes as if to throw him off the edge of the dock. Dean pulls him back and throws his head back in laughter. Castiel punches him in the chest.

"Why do I like you?" Dean's arms tighten around Castiel again.

"Because of my irresistible charm." he grins and Castiel shakes his head, a small smile tugging at his lips.

"We should get that rug out, you know." Castiel says, looking up towards the stars, not a cloud in the sky and no lights for a few miles to outshine them. 

"The rug can wait. I'd like to have you first." Dean whispers, placing a kiss at the hinge of Castiel's jaw.

"Whatever you say, birthday boy." Castiel responds, and Dean smiles before grabbing Castiel by the hand and tugging him back to the car. Castiel crawls into the back seat and turns around just in time to see Dean crawling in after him and closing the door behind him. Dean places a hand on Castiel's chest and gently pushes him down onto the seat. 

Dean smiles as he leans forward and seals their lips together. It feels like a long time since they last did it in Dean's car. But it's only been about a month. A fucking crazy month. Castiel's going to savour every last second. His fingers find Dean's shoulders, smoothing over his neck and back before pushing at Dean's jacket. Dean sits up quickly to shrug it all the way off and grabs a small bottle of lube from it to place in his jean's pocket before throwing it over the front seat. He doesn't stop there, shrugging off his flannel after that and sending it in the same direction as his jacket. 

Castiel laughs. "Shouldn't I be the one giving you a show?" 

"Oh, you think this is a show?" Dean says, letting a quick chuckle through before his face turns serious and he grabs the hem of his shirt and drags it slowly up and over his head. Castiel huffs.

"There is no way you could ever be a stripper. That was awful." Dean scoffs, hanging his shirt over the seat.

"Like you could do any better, dickhead." 

"Just shut up already." Castiel says, grabbing Dean by his belt loops and pulling him forward. Dean's tongue licks at the seam of Castiel's lips until he opens and lets him in. Castiel fiddles with the button on Dean's jeans while Dean's own hands pull Castiel's sweater up until it's caught under his arms. Castiel raises his arms up for Dean to pull it all the way over only to have them bang into the door.

"Ow! Fucking - " Dean interrupts him with a giggle, a _fucking_ giggle. Castiel tries his best to death stare him but he can't resist smiling. "Remember when we used to have hot sex?" Castiel asks, sarcastically and Dean looks actually offended.

"Oh, yeah. This morning was so long ago." Castiel laughs. "And like this _isn't_ hot sex?"

"We're a bunch of idiots fumbling around in the back of your car. This is hardly hot." Dean sits back on his heals and crosses his arms over his chest. Castiel's sweater and shirt is still rucked up under his arm pits. A smile pulls at the corner of Dean's lips. "What?"

Dean shakes his head. "Nothing you just look _incredibly_ hot right now." Castiel huffs.

"Okay, change of plans." Castiel sits himself up and pushes Dean back until he's sitting down with his back to the seat. Dean doesn't resist and watches as Castiel climbs into his lap and finally pulls his sweater and shirt all the way over his head. It worked a lot better sitting up last time. Considering they're both over six foot it probably was never going to work lying down in the back. "Better?"

"Much." Dean's mouth claims his own again, his cold hands making Castiel jump as they finally graze over his bare skin. Castiel winds his arms around Dean's neck and rocks his hips back and forth slowly on top of Dean's crotch. Dean smiles against him as their noses bump together, pushing Castiel's glasses askew. Dean's hands make their way down towards Castiel's jeans, undoing them quickly.

Castiel kicks his own shoes off, awkwardly leaning upwards as Dean pushes his jeans and boxers over his ass and down his legs. He kicks them off, finally naked bar his socks and glasses, if those count, and sits back down on Dean's lap to see that he already has the lube out. Castiel feels arousal curl low in his stomach as Dean presses the first lubed up finger to his rim.

Castiel leans forward and buries his fingers in Dean's hair as one finger pumps in and out of him. Dean nips at his ear lightly, his other hand resting on his lower back. Castiel circles his hips and lifts himself up to start bouncing as Dean adds a second. 

"Fuck, need to be in you so badly." Dean groans, making precome spill from Castiel's hard cock. A third is finally added and Castiel's breathing starts to become louder, heavier, his fingers tightening in Dean's hair. Dean's fingers pump in and out, quickly, a whimper leaving Castiel's lips as he finally hits his prostate. 

"That's enough, Dean. I'm ready." Castiel breathes against Dean's ear, leaning back as Dean's fingers slip out of him. Castiel fumbles, pulling Dean's already hard cock out of his boxers, jeans already open from before. Dean makes sure to lather it in enough lube before Castiel leans up and guides himself down on Dean's cock. They both groan in relief. Finally.

Dean's hands massage his ass for a moment before finally trailing back up his body and around to his chest, thumbs flicking over his nipples as Castiel starts to move. He rolls his hips slowly to start with and his hands grip tightly onto Dean's shoulders. Dean's eyes are dilated, his mouth parted and his tongue coming out every once in a while to lick his lips. 

Castiel feels the heat growing in his belly as he starts to bounce up and down on Dean's cock. Dean moans. "God, baby. Love watching you like this. Wanna watch you fall apart." he says, voice low as he pinches both Castiel's nipples. Castiel whimpers, his legs starting to burn as he moves faster. One of Dean's hands moves from his chest down to brush ever so lightly over the head of his cock. Castiel's hips thrust forward and he whines when Dean only brushes lightly again over his head.

He bites his lip, leaning slightly further forward and letting out a short cry when Dean's cock finds his prostate and sends a bolt of pleasure shooting up his spine. "Oh, fuck, that's it, baby." Dean starts, lightly rubbing his thumb up and down Castiel's leaking cock as his other hand rubs over his nipple. "You gonna come on my cock, Cas?" Castiel nods his head jerkily, his stomach curling tighter and tighter.

"Mm, please touch me, Dean. I need to - _uh_ \- I need to - "

"I've got you, baby." Dean responds, and finally Dean's hand is closing around his cock, stroking up and down, his thumb swirling the precome when it reaches the top. Castiel thrusts his hips back and forth - into Dean's hand - onto Dean's cock. Castiel's fingers tighten even more on Dean's shoulders as Dean strokes him harder, faster and it's only four more pumps before Castiel's coming all over Dean's hand and chest, his eyes squeezing shut and his head falling back as he does. 

Dean pumps him through, his legs burning and his ass still clenched around Dean's cock. Castiel slumps forward and wraps his arms around Dean's neck as he feels Dean thrust up into him a few times before he feels Dean stiffen and finally come inside of him. Dean lets out a loud groan, falling back against the seat and wrapping his own arms around Castiel's hips.

Dean hums. "Best birthday ever." he mumbles, making Castiel huff a laugh. 

"Was the sex that good?" Castiel asks, leaning his head back to catch Dean's eyes. Dean gives him one of those lopsided grins that Castiel's come to love.

"Yeah, it was alright." Castiel smiles, shaking his head. "But...it's probably more because it was with you." Castiel blushes, looking away from Dean's gaze.

"Well, I'd hope so considering we _are_ boyfriends - "

"You know what I mean." Dean says, lifting his hand to brush through Castiel's sweaty hair. Castiel gives him a small smile, lifting his hand to push his glasses back into place.

"So...I guess _now_ it's time to get out that rug."

It takes them some time to pull on their clothes but eventually they stumble out of the car, Castiel stretching his arms out before pulling his jacket on. He feels much warmer now. Dean rounds the car to the trunk, and pulls out the rug before taking Castiel's hand and walking towards the edge of the lake and laying it down. Castiel sits cross legged down on the rug and pushes his hand into his jacket pocket before speaking.

"Just before we, you know, I actually I have something else for you." he says, watching Dean's eyebrows raise as he sits down next to him.

"How many fucking things did you get me?" Dean chuckles, leaning back on his hands. Castiel huffs, pulling the small present out.

"It's just a little thing. Well, I mean it's - just open it." Castiel mumbles, shoving it towards Dean. Dean's eyebrows pull together and he carefully takes it from Castiel's hand. Dean takes no time in ripping the paper off and finally the silver key is sitting in the middle of his hand. Dean stares it. Castiel swallows.

"It's a - I got another key cut to my dorm." Dean huffs a laugh.

"Are you even allowed to do that?"

"Probably not but I made one for Gabe and Anna and no one's ever found out." A few more moments of silence pass as Dean flips it over in his hand. His chest pulls tight. "You don't have to keep it if you don't want - "

"No, fuck, Cas. I love it." Dean says, finally looking up to meet Castiel's eyes. "I really do." Dean smiles. And Castiel doesn't think he could live without it.

"I - I love you, Dean." And then the smiles fades and something akin to sadness fills Dean's eyes. Castiel swallows again and his heart sinks. He casts his eyes down and focuses on the patterns on the rug. He can feel the tears sting the back of his eyes. "But...you don't love me back."

Suddenly Dean is closer than before, his head dipping to try and catch Castiel's gaze. "No, Cas, I do. Fuck, you have no idea." 

"How am I supposed to believe that?" Tears lodge in his throat. "I've said it three times now and you've said - " Castiel looks to the sky and squeezes his eyes shut. "You've said _nothing_." His voice cracks and he slumps, head in his hands. He's never felt so hopeless. 

"I know." Dean's voice is soft, almost a whisper.

"Then why can't you say it back?" A beat.

"Because I'm scared." Castiel clenches his fists at the side of head and looks back over to Dean again. He's staring down at the key in his hand. Why can't Dean just tell him what's wrong? 

"Scared of what?" Dean throws his hands up in the air.

"Of this. Of you." Castiel huffs a laugh. It comes out strangled and broken. 

"You're scared of me." Castiel says, and it's almost as if he feels dead on the inside. Maybe it's because he's so used to this. Pain. Heartache. Rejection.

"No, not like that." Dean responds, like he's pleading for Castiel to believe him.

"Then what the fuck is it like?" Dean clenches his jaw and looks away for a moment. 

"It's hard with everything that's going on - with my dad - and I can't explain it right now. Just please give me time, Cas, I swear." 

Castiel bites his lip. He still doesn't understand why Dean can't just say it. But how can he just forget about Dean's father? If it really does have something to do with that then... Fuck, he's being selfish. "How long?" Castiel looks up just in time to see Dean deflate.

"I don't know but I promise once this all works out." Dean reaches across to brush his thumb across Castiel's cheek. 

"Okay." Castiel says, and he can't help but lean into Dean's hand. 

"Please believe that I do." Dean says, and Castiel takes a deep breath. The night is cold but Dean's hand is warm. And the love in his eyes...no one can fake that. Right?

"Yeah. Okay." Dean's smile is small, barely there, but it's something. He moves his hand backwards until it's cradling the side of Castiel's face before he leans forward to crush their lips together. Dean doesn't smile this time when their noses bump together and Castiel's glasses fall to the side. Castiel doesn't either. But for now he can breathe easy. Because Dean's here. And soon he'll have all of him. 

"Fuck, I'm sorry." Dean mutters, as he pulls back far enough to let them breathe.

"Just time, right?" Castiel says, carding his fingers through Dean's hair. Dean closes his eyes and leans into the touch. Maybe he feels just as desperate as Castiel. They had fucking amazing sex in the back of the Impala not ten minutes ago and yet it seems like they're both starving for each other's touch. A different kind of touch. 

"Yeah." he breathes out.

"Then I'll wait." Dean smiles again. It's bigger this time. But still soft. Castiel likes it. 

"Thank you. And thank you for the present too."

"Don't lose it." Dean huffs.

"I'll try not to." He carefully wrap it back up, as thought it's something precious, and zips it safely inside his jacket pocket. Castiel sighs, manoeuvring himself down to lie back on the rug. Dean joins him a few seconds later, his hand immediately finding Castiel's.

The stars are beautiful. But Castiel already finds himself turning to Dean. The night sky lighting up all of Dean's features for him. Dean's mouth quirks up and he turns his head towards Castiel.

"What?"

"You probably already know this but...you're beautiful." Castiel says, and a small blush creeps onto Dean's cheeks as he flicks his eyes down.

"Yeah?" Dean asks, peeking up from under his eyelashes.

"Yeah."

They stare at each other for a few moments, neither of them being able to drag their eyes away until Castiel closes the distance between them and places a small kiss on Dean's lips. This time Castiel gives Dean a small smile before he turns back towards the stars. Dean's hand squeezes Castiel's and out of the corner of his eyes he sees Dean turn his head back to the stars too. The night sky is beautiful. More beautiful than he remembered. Or maybe it's just the company that makes it more beautiful.

Castiel loses track of time as they lie there, gazing up at the stars - and sometimes briefly gazing at each other. Castiel only thinks to check the time on his phone when he lets out a big yawn. Just past eleven. 

"You had enough? You look tired." Dean's voice cuts into his thoughts, the first time either of them have spoke in a little while. 

"No, I'm fine. We can stay here as long as you want." It's not that late, anyway. He's just had a big day. Dean gives him that look that says _I know you're lying_ before a smile blooms on his face and he sits up.

"C'mon, I'm tired too. We should go." Castiel takes a deep breath and sits up himself. "Don't worry. We'll come here again. Maybe in the summer and we can actually go for a swim."

"Yeah maybe we should." Castiel replies, looking out towards where the moonlight is reflecting off the lake. 

"Other than...you know - me letting you down again - did you have a good time tonight?" Castiel whips his head around.

"You didn't let me down, Dean."

"Yeah, yeah, but did you have a good time tonight?" Dean asks again, and Castiel sighs. 

"Of course I did. Did you?"

"Obviously." They stare at each other for a moment, Castiel wanting to say something more but Dean speaks again before he can think of anything. "Let's get out of here." He stands, lending a hand down for Castiel.

They walk back to the car, close enough that they're shoulders bump, and Castiel decides to forget about their problems for now. He can deal with them later.

The drive back doesn't take too long and Castiel can already feel his eyes drooping as he sits in the passenger seat. Dean practically drags him up the stairs and into his bedroom where Castiel tries his best to quietly change into his pyjamas before crashing into bed.

Dean joins him not too long after, lying on his back and pulling the covers all the way up to his shoulders. Castiel looks at him longingly before deciding to shuffle over and wrap an arm around Dean's chest, his head pillowing against Dean's shoulder.

Dean's head turns.

"So you can lie on top of me but I can't lie on top of you?" Dean asks, but somehow Castiel can tell he's not really complaining about it.

"This hardly compares to you crushing me last night. You had your whole bodyweight on top of me." Dean mumbles something Castiel doesn't quite make out. "You love it."

Dean mumbles. "Yeah, yeah." One of Dean's arms curls around Castiel's shoulders and Castiel smiles. He's asleep before he even has a chance to say goodnight.

***

The morning goes by pretty quickly. Dean and Castiel have decided to leave earlier than planned, both of them having to catch up on some work they've missed and Dean wanting to talk to Rufus about one of his football games coming up this Friday.

Castiel's just making his way upstairs - Dean staying downstairs to help clean up in the kitchen - when he hears Sam call after him.

"Cas! Wait up!"

Castiel stops before Dean's door to turn and face the younger boy. "Yes?"

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you something before Dean comes up." Castiel's eyes narrow.

"Uh, okay. What is it?" Sam hesitates for a moment, opening his mouth and closing it a few times before actually speaking. 

"It's about our dad." Oh, right. Castiel suddenly feels very awkward. "If Dean wasn't lying about not seeing him in a while last night, it probably means that dad will show up sometime soon." Castiel nods, not really sure where this is going. Sam sighs. "I just wanted to tell you because - he has a way of getting to Dean. And when he does, Dean can get stuck in a really bad place and now that he's at college, none of us can be there for him. I can't be there for him." There's a pained look in Sam's eyes and Castiel suddenly itches to tell him that Dean's father - that John - has already visited and has already started to get to Dean. "So, maybe if you could just keep an eye out for him - make sure he's okay, that would mean a lot to me. And to him, even though he might not show it."

Castiel swallows. "Of course, Sam." 

"I mean, Dean hasn't mentioned seeing our father lately to you, has he?" 

"No, he hasn't." Castiel responds, immediately. Sam nods.

"Okay, well just keep an eye out."

"I will." Sam shoots him a smile before turning and starting to walk down the hallway. Castiel watches as he goes, wishing that he could just tell Sam what's happened. Dean would kill him, he's sure of it, but what if his family could help? Castiel hates seeing Dean like this. "Wait. Sam." Castiel calls out and walks over to Sam.

"Yeah?" Sam says and Castiel's about to open his mouth when Dean comes bounding up the stairs. 

"What are you two knuckleheads talking about?" Dean asks, coming to a stop next to Castiel. 

"I was just thanking Sam for having me here." Castiel replies, and he sees Sam's tense shoulders relax. 

"Yeah, nothing to get jealous about." Sam buts in and Dean flips him the bird.

"Whatever, we have to pack. We should be going soon." Dean turns to look at Castiel, a small smile on his face.

"Right, yeah. We should be going." Castiel nods towards Sam before following Dean back into his room. They pack mostly in silence, Castiel triple checking to make sure he hasn't left anything stranded around the room or in the bathroom. It only takes him about five minutes but by the end of it he sits down on the bed, feeling utterly exhausted. 

It had been a long weekend. Fighting with Dean, a disaster dinner at his parent's house, feeling sorry for himself over Dean actually having a nice and accepting family and then finally Dean's birthday. Castiel lets out a deep breath. On one hand, he just wants to go home to his own bed but on the other he doesn't want to because it's where everything always seems to go wrong. 

"You okay?" Dean asks, pulling him out of his thoughts. The bed dips beside him and Castiel looks across to where Dean sits. Castiel leans his head to rest on Dean's shoulder and closes his eyes. Dean wraps an arm around Castiel and brushes his hand lightly up and down his side.

"Just tired." Dean rests his head gently on top of Castiel's. "Are you okay?" Castiel murmurs, wishing he could just stay here, in Dean's arms, for a little while longer.

"Yeah, I'm okay."

***

It's just past midday when they pull into the college campus. Castiel's in the middle of texting Gabriel when Dean turns down the radio and speaks.

"Hey, if everything goes well talking to Rufus this afternoon and he says I can play on Friday, will you come to my game?" Dean asks, and Castiel's eyebrows pinch together.

"Of course I will. You know I'd love to see you play." Castiel says. Dean glances over and smiles.

"Yeah, well. I hope I don't fail miserably. It's been over a month since I played a full match."

"I'm sure you'll do fine. And besides, I've never seen you play before so I won't have anything to compare it with." Castiel grins and Dean laughs. "C'mon, Dean. You know I'm not going to judge. I can't even throw the ball properly let alone make it into the first team at college." 

"Well, when you put it like that," Dean says, glancing over at Castiel again with a fond look. 

Castiel almost lets out a breath of relief when Dean parks in front of his dorm building. He stretches out his arms and legs once he's out of the car and walks around to the trunk where Dean already has his bag pulled out. 

"Thank you." Castiel says, throwing it over his shoulder. "So you'll let me know how your meeting with Rufus goes?" Dean nods, closing the trunk.

"Yeah, I'll let you know." Dean replies, leaning forward to give Castiel a quick kiss. 

"Okay, well. I'll talk to you later, then."

"Sure will." Dean winks, making Castiel smile before he turns and walks off towards his building. 

Castiel doesn't even bother unpacking his bag. He just lets it crash into the floor and falls face first onto his bed. Castiel sighs, squeezing his eyes shut. He takes a few deep breaths and feels himself melt into the mattress. When he opens them, he finds himself catching the edge of a pen that's peeking out from under his bedside table.

He must've missed it when he was cleaning up the other night after their fight. Castiel's eyes trail over to his desk. He notices something else. There's a scratch on the wall where the desk must've banged into it.

Castiel turns his head to face the other way and closes his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kind and supportive messages. They mean a lot to me. Really. And I will get around to answering your comments sometime soon, hopefully! I love you all so much and thank you for sticking with me :') <3<3<3
> 
> Anyways, I hope you like this chapter and leave a comment below and let me know what you think! Also if you see any massive typos - please let me know so I can change it right away! I hope your week is wonderful! Love you guys! <3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	22. Chapter 22

"Turn left here," Castiel says, sending off a quick text before shoving it in his pocket. 

"I still don't understand why we're going to her apartment first," Dean responds. 

"It's this one here on the right. And Anna wanted us to come so here we are. The movie doesn't start for another forty five minutes anyway. What else was there to do?" Dean raises his eyebrows as he pulls over to the curb.

"I can think of a few things - _hey_." Dean cuts himself off when Castiel whacks him in the arm. Castiel feels his phone vibrating as they're making their way up to Anna's apartment and pulls it out to check. "What does it say?" Dean asks, peeking over his shoulder.

Castiel snorts. "She's still getting changed so she says just to let ourselves in on the condition that you don't touch anything." 

"Well, now I'm just going to have to touch everything," Dean says, shrugging his shoulders. Castiel shakes his head and starts walking up the stairs to Anna's apartment.

"So..." Dean starts. "How's your day been?" Castiel looks over, a small smile pulling at his lips.

"It was alright, I guess. Had a few classes and some study to catch up on." Dean nods his head, his teeth worrying his lower lip. "So, didn't really do much. What about you?" Castiel asks, finally stopping in front of Anna's door and pulling his key out.

"Uh, yeah. It was fine," Dean replies, clearing his throat awkwardly. Castiel nods slowly, narrowing his eyes. 

"Are you okay, Dean?" Dean glances at him for a second before turning away. 

"I was - um - I was just thinking that maybe..." Dean opens his mouth and closes it. 

"Maybe what?" Castiel asks, leaning his head down to try and catch Dean's gaze. Worry starts to fill his gut.

"You know what? Never mind." Castiel takes a step over into Dean's space and grabs Dean's hand with his own.

"Dean, it's alright. You can tell me anything, remember?" Castiel says, his voice softer now. Dean finally meets his eyes. He swallows. 

"Right. Yeah, well, I was just gonna say that if you want you could start lea - "

"I can't believe you losers actually beat me here," Gabe calls from the top of the stairs. Dean ducks his head, a small blush creeping up his neck. Castiel lets go of Dean's hand and steps away, wanting nothing more than to push Gabe all the way back down the stairs. He'll have to get it out of Dean later. 

"Oh, hey, Gabe," Castiel says, as the man in question waltzes over to meet them.

"You lost your key or something, Cassie?" Gabe replies, pulling out his own.

"Oh no, I was just - we were just - "

"Oh, I didn't interrupt something, did I?" Gabe asks, looking between the two. Dean shakes his head.

"Nah, it wasn't important." Castiel's shoulders slump. Great. If anything, now it's going to be harder to get it out of Dean.

"Well, I brought some pre cinema snacks so let's hurry up and get inside." 

"Pre cinema snacks? Really?" Castiel says, raising his eyebrows as he watches Gabe open the door. Dean whistles as they step inside. 

"Nice place." It's actually not that much bigger than Dean's but Anna has a lot more accessories to spice it up and make it look nicer than it probably is. "So, who's Anna going on a date with?" 

"I'm not at liberty to say," Gabe replies. Castiel snorts.

"It's some guy she met at a cafe she always goes too," Castiel says, and Dean nods his head. Castiel eyes Dean when he continues to say, "He's kinda cute." Dean raises an eyebrow and Castiel feels strangely proud. He remembers the last time Dean got jealous. It isn't his best memory. But clearly Dean's improved on his own. "You'll see." Gabe sets down some of his candy on the bench and they all take a seat just as Anna comes out of her bedroom. 

"Hey, guys," she says, and Castiel swivels around on his chair to give her a smile. "How do I look?"

"Beautiful as usual," Castiel replies.

"He's gonna fall in love as soon as he sees you," Gabe says, with a grin as he pops another piece of candy into his mouth. Anna sighs.

"Okay, I'm not listening to you two."

"Why not?" Castiel protests.

"Because you're my friends and you're obliged to tell me I look good. Dean?" Castiel huffs, turning to see Dean with a small, proud smile on his face.

"I can't believe you would choose Dean-o's opinion here over mine." Gabe crosses his arms across his chest. Anna shrugs and looks back to Dean.

"Well, I think you look very nice. And Gabe's right. He's gonna fall head over heels as soon as he sees you." Anna rolls her eyes but she looks down to the ground - something she always does when she gets a nice compliment.

"Thank you. I knew there was a reason I invited you," she says, joining them over at the bench.

"When do you have to be there?" Castiel asks, swiveling back around to face his friends. Anna checks her phone.

"Probably should leave in about fifteen minutes." Castiel nods looking over to Dean who's started eating some of the candy. Castiel feels a lightness in his chest. It felt weird enough having Dean sit with his friends at lunch but at Anna's apartment? He tries to suppress the smile but Anna catches it and winks.

"So...happy birthday for the other day," Anna starts. Another thing Castiel never thought he'd hear in his life.

"Thanks," Dean responds, around a mouthful of chocolate. Castiel shoots him an unimpressed look. They still have some things to work on.

"How'd your little trip go?" Of course, Castiel had already told Anna and Gabe what happened. Mainly the part involving his own parents and the awful dinner they had there. Castiel didn't say too much about Dean's birthday. But they didn't seem to mind - too busy making sure he knew they would always be there for him.

Dean grins. "Pretty well I'd say." He winks at Castiel. "I even have my new boxers on." he says, and Castiel blushes when he reaches into his pants to pull the band of his boxers out to show everyone.

Anna punches out a laugh. "You got him Star Wars boxers for his birthday?" Castiel crosses his arms over his chest.

"He likes them. And I got him other stuff too."

"Oh, yeah. He got me another pair as well. They're fucking awesome. Comfy too."

Gabe shakes his head. "We really didn't need to know that."

"I'm with Gabe on this one," Anna says, and Dean waves his hand dismissively. Castiel smiles into his glass of water.

***

They park across from the cinema. The restaurant Anna is going to is only a few shops down the street from it. They wait in the car for a about five minutes, Gabe and Dean yammering on about which movie they are going to see when Anna speaks up.

"Oh, there he is. I'll text you guys when I'm done," she says, smiling and getting out of the car.

"We'll see you later," Castiel says, just as she closes the door.

"Which one is he?" Dean asks, from the driver's seat. Castiel squints.

"He's the one with the blonde hair. Standing next to that light pole," Castiel says, pointing towards him.

"Oh, yeah." A beat. "He is cute," Dean says, nodding in appreciation. Castiel raises his eyebrows and then laughs. It's nice to hear Dean speak about finding other guys attractive. He doesn't know why. Well, it might be because Dean's always has and still does - to a degree - struggle with his sexuality. And being so open about it, especially in front of someone like Gabe, it's nice.

"Told you so. Alright, let's go."

The movie they decide on is the latest action blockbuster one and Castiel has no doubt that Dean was the one who chose it. It's not too crowded on a Wednesday night but he does recognise a few students from his classes around. Castiel pays this time and suffers Dean grumbling in his ear for the next five minutes until Castiel tells him he can pay next time.

Gabe just stands beside him with his hand in a bucket of popcorn.

They wander into the cinema, choosing to sit around the middle row. Castiel slumps into his chair and shuffles around to try and get comfortable. He makes sure to turn his phone on silent but leaves it in his hand in case something goes wrong with Anna's date.

Dean settles an arm around his shoulders just as Gabe does the same. Dean leans around Castiel to glare at Gabe.

"You get riled up so easily," Gabe says in between a laugh but he does remove his arm. Castiel shakes his head, pushing up the arm rest between Dean and himself and snuggling in closer. Dean seems to be pretty happy with that going by the look on his face.

It's safe to say that the movie is more interesting than the last one they went to see. Or maybe that's because Castiel isn't so distracted by Dean's presence as much as he used to be. Although he can't help but be distracted when Dean whispers in his ear every once in a while. Gabe shoots them a disapproving look as he continues to crunch loudly on his popcorn.

Castiel yawns as the credits start to roll and Dean laughs beside him. "Need me to piggyback you out again?" Castiel smiles at the memory.

"No, I think I can handle walking out myself this time."

"I could use a piggyback ride," Gabe says, stretching beside him. Castiel snorts and Dean flips him the bird.

Anna's waiting for them in the lobby when they get out, looking tired but happy. Must have gone a lot better than the last boy she went on a date with.

"How'd it go?" Castiel asks, and she gives them all a shy smile.

"Yeah, he was alright. Might be going out sometime next week too. What about you guys? Have a fun boy's night out?"

"These two were insufferable," Gabe says, and Dean scoffs.

"We didn't even do anything. And I've never heard someone eat so fucking loudly." Castiel finds Anna's eyes and gives her an exasperated look. She just smiles and turns to walk out of the cinema. Castiel follows her, not even bothering to listen to what Gabe and Dean are rambling on about.

"Well, I had a nice night," Castiel says to Anna, as they make their way over to Dean's car.

"I'm glad," she replies, their shoulders bumping. She takes a quick look over her shoulder before turning back to Castiel. "I think I might even be starting to like him. Just a tiny little bit." He can tell by her reaction that his whole face has lit up. It reminds him of what Dean had said at his own birthday dinner. _I think they're starting to like me._

"Yeah?" Castiel says. She nods.

"But don't you dare tell him I said that. Don't want him getting too big headed." Castiel throws his head back and laughs.

"Somehow I think he's already catching on."

***

Friday night is colder than Castiel expected. He rubs his hands together as they make their way through the crowd. Most people seem to be already seated although there is a lot of other students crowding around to get some food. Gabe - obviously - came prepared and brought his own. The football stadium actually looks a lot nicer when it's full of people. Castiel wonders how on earth Dean even plays in front of this many people every week. He supposes they all get used to it. But then it just makes Dean being nervous about Castiel seeing him play even more endearing. Because Castiel, someone who's never played football in his entire life, couldn't possibly judge Dean.

He'd been excited about it when they'd spoken over the phone a few hours ago. Castiel couldn't stop smiling as Dean had rambled on about the game. Dean had even told him he'd be wearing his new football boxers. That had made Castiel smile extra big.

A vibration from his pocket stirs him out of his thoughts. Anna, Gabe and himself quickly sit down as he pulls his phone out.

**_My Beautiful Asshole_ **

**_Are you here yet?_ **

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_Just got here. We're sitting to the right of your home boxy thing._ **

Dean replies instantly and Castiel imagines him sitting in the locker room, his gear on and staring at his phone waiting for Castiel to reply. 

**_My Beautiful Asshole_ **

**_Got it. I'll see you soon, beautiful._ **

**_Castiel Novak_ **

**_Good luck, handsome._**

"When is it supposed to actually start?" Gabe asks, making Castiel look up from his phone. Anna shrugs.

"I think it usually - " Anna's cut off by a cheer from the crowd and they look down to see the players running onto the field. "Well," Anna tries again, "I think it starts pretty soon." Castiel's eyes quickly travel through the players to find Dean and smiles when he sees that Dean's searching for Castiel in the crowd. Gabe must see too because a few seconds later he's standing up and waving his arms around like a lunatic. But Dean's eyes do find him then and he smiles, giving him a small wave before he's pulled away by one of the other players.

"The things I do for you, Cassie." Gabe sits back down and starts to pass his snacks over to share. Castiel shakes his head and slumps back against his plastic seat, his eyes immediately on the search to find Dean again. 

***

The game goes by quickly, Dean's team winning easily over their opponent. Castiel's never really enjoyed watching football. Far too boring compared to a book or a television show. But he finds that with Dean on the field, football is a lot more interesting. And even a few times he thought he saw Dean's head turn towards his spot in the crowd, although it's hard to tell from so far away and with his helmet obscuring his face.

He waits with Anna and Gabe out in the parking lot by Anna's car, texting Dean that he'll wait for him there. Most of the crowd has already dispersed when Dean emerges, bag slung over his shoulder. Castiel grins, pushing himself off of Anna's car and walking over to meet Dean halfway. 

"Hey," Dean says softly, as he leans in to plant a quick kiss on Castiel's lips. 

"Hey," Castiel breathes out, leaning back to take in Dean's damp hair and his shirt sticking to his skin in some places.

"Looked pretty good out there, Winchester." Anna's voice comes from behind Castiel. Dean raises his eyebrows. 

"Did I?"

"Well, not that good but, you know, alright." Gabe answers, and Castiel rolls his eyes. Dean just laughs.

"Right. Well, thanks for the ego boost."

Gabe pats Dean on the shoulder. "No problem." 

"Okay," Anna chuckles lightly, "well, Gabe and I are going to go for dessert. We'll let you two have some time together."

Castiel nods. "I'll see you tomorrow. Eight thirty?"

"You got it," Anna replies, before dragging Gabe away with a wave. Dean's eyebrows pinch together.

"I didn't know she was coming over."

"Yeah, we're doing some study tomorrow morning. I must've forgot to tell you." Dean shrugs.

"It's alright. I'll just have to make sure I don't fall asleep naked." Castiel huffs a laugh.

"Yes, I'm sure that will be very difficult for you." Dean wiggles his eyebrows. Castiel takes Dean's hand in his own, their fingers intertwining and warming up his cold skin. "Ready to go?"

Dean gestures with their hands. "Lead the way."

They cross through the park beside the stadium, the grass crunching loudly beneath their feet in the silence. Castiel can still hear some students chatting with their friends and having a few drinks but it's mostly quiet. 

"You like the game?" Dean suddenly asks. Castiel tilts his head to the side.

"Of course I did. You were amazing out there." Dean nods, his eyes trained down in front of him. 

"It was nice having you in the crowd," Dean mutters, glancing up to meet Castiel's eyes. "You looked like you were enjoying yourself." 

Castiel feels his cheeks heating. So Dean was looking at him during the game. "Aren't you supposed to be keeping your eyes on the ball?" he teases back. 

Dean shrugs. "Well, it's hard when someone that pretty is sitting in the crowd." Castiel knows he can't see it in the dark but he can bet Dean knows how hard he's blushing now. He opens his mouth to retort but ends up just smiling like an idiot and gripping Dean's hand even tighter. It's frankly ridiculous how Dean can still make him blush like this. Dean chuckles. "You still don't think my football gear is sexy?" 

Castiel grimaces. "Definitely not." Dean shakes his head, grinning from ear to ear.

"You really are one of a kind."

It doesn't take them much longer to get to Castiel's dorm and Castiel's just pulling out his key when Dean puts a hand out to stop him.

"Wait, I've got this," he says, looking pretty happy with himself. Castiel's chest fills with warmth and he can't stop smiling when Dean pulls out his own key and opens the door to Castiel's dorm. "After you."

It seems a bit over the top to feel so happy over something so small. But when Dean looks at him like that... Dean winks when he sees Castiel staring, turning the light on and dropping his bag to the ground before quickly shoving off his jacket and boots. Castiel follows, doing the same and he barely has time to take his jacket off before Dean's arms are wrapping around him and lifting him up. Castiel laughs wrapping his arms and legs around Dean.

Dean gently lowers him down until he hits the mattress. Dean's smile is contagious. His eyes are shining and there is the tiniest hint of crinkles forming beside his eyes. Castiel feels like he wants to turn away under Dean's stare. It's not hot or heavy like he's used to. It's full of love and wonder and its far too overwhelming, especially when Dean's this close. Castiel leans up to kiss him and thankfully Dean lets him. 

Castiel keeps his eyes closed when their lips part but Dean doesn't stray far, resting their foreheads together. Castiel feels his body's last ounce of tension slowly seep away. Dean takes a deep breath, the air tickling lightly over his skin. 

"I'm really glad you came," Dean whispers, as though not to disturb the peace. Castiel's eyes flick back open and he meets green.

"Me too," Dean places a light kiss to the corner of Castiel's mouth before he practically hides his face in the crook of Castiel's neck. Castiel's fingers gently brush up and down the small space between Dean's shoulder blades. Dean sighs against him, shifting so only half of his body is on top of Castiel - so as not to crush him. The weight is reassuring. Dean's hair tickles the underside of Castiel's jaw but it doesn't disturb him. He just closes his eyes and focuses on his fingers tracing random patterns into Dean's back.

Castiel nearly nods off before he realises he hasn't changed yet. He nudges Dean who's breathing has evened out beside them. Dean stirs and his eyes open, the bags under his eyes more prominent than before. "We should probably get changed."

Dean glances down at his own clothes before wiping the back of his hand across his eyes. "Right, yeah. We should do that." Dean slowly gets up from the bed, offering a hand to pull Castiel up with him. Castiel's shrugging out of his shirt when Dean speaks again. "Hey, I forgot to show you." Dean pulls off his jeans to reveal the boxers he's wearing - the football boxers Castiel gave him for his birthday. "I wore these for the game. Just like I promised." 

Castiel smiles but decides not to say some sentimental sappy crap because he's far too overwhelmed with the way Dean's looking at him - and has been since they got back to his dorm.

So he ends up with, "Please don't tell me you're wearing your stinky boxers to bed." Dean scoffs, looking actually offended.

"Who do you think I am?" Dean says, ruffling around in his sports bag before pulling out a pair of boxer shorts. 

"I am very thankful."

"You better be." 

Castiel climbs into bed first, resting on his back like before and watching as Dean unceremoniously crawls over him to lie down in the other side of the bed. Castiel reaches over to turn the light off and when he looks back Dean is staring up at the ceiling, his fingers tapping away at his own chest. 

"Will you come to my next game?" Dean asks, his head turning over to wait for Castiel's response. Castiel's eyebrows pull together. Why would Dean even have to ask that question?

"Of course." Dean's eyes avert down and Castiel catches a small smile gracing his lips. But a moment or so later, his eyes are back to the ceiling, his lips in a thin line and his fingers tapping away at his chest again. Dean shuffles beside him, trying to make himself more comfortable. He looks...nervous. "I'm really glad you had a shower," Castiel blurts out, anything to break Dean's thoughts - whatever they may be. 

For a second Dean says nothing, his head turning once again to meet Castiel's gaze. Then he laughs, a soft chuckle that seems to snap him out of whatever trance he was in. 

"Okay, nerd. Turn around." Dean's voice is back to the usual, soft and teasing. Castiel shuffles around until he's lying in his side. A second later, Dean's arm is wrapping around him. 

"Asshole," Castiel whispers. Dean smiles against his neck and Castiel decides to not worry about whatever Dean might have been thinking of. 

***

The sound of Castiel's locked door clicking open has him stirring awake in his bed. He blinks his eyes a few times against the light before looking over to watch Anna stroll in. Anna's eyes meet his, flick over towards Dean and then land back on him. She huffs. 

"I thought you'd be up by now. Eight thirty?" Anna says, pointing at Castiel's alarm clock. It's a quarter to nine. 

"Oh, shit. Sorry. I must've forgot to put my alarm on." Castiel shuffles to sit up and Dean grunts beside him, his eyes slowly opening and landing on Anna.

"Hmm. What are you doing here?" Anna rolls her eyes. 

"Study, remember? I told you last night," Castiel responds, and Dean looks at him for a moment as if he has no idea what Castiel's talking about before his eyes widen ever so slightly. 

"Oh, yeah."

"Please tell me you're both wearing pants under there," Anna says, taking a seat at Castiel's desk chair. 

"We are."

"I'm completely naked." 

" _Dean_ ," Castiel chastises. Dean sends Castiel a smug smile before pulling the sheets up to his neck and burying his head back into the pillow. 

"Can you come back later?" Dean mumbles, rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. 

"No," Castiel and Anna respond simultaneously. Castiel sighs.

"It's alright. You can just go back to sleep." Dean pouts and Castiel smiles at how ridiculously adorable he looks with his bedhead shooting up in all different directions and his eyes half closed. 

"But I want to hold you." Anna laughs. Dean's cheeks immediately turn a bright shade of red - he obviously hasn't _completely_ woken up yet - and he flips her off. Castiel chuckles. It's nothing but adorable to him.

"I'm sitting here anyway. Turn over." Castiel gives Dean a slight shove in the shoulder and Dean finally turns over but not without grumbling first. Castiel stands up, grabbing his glasses to put on and stretching himself out before he walks over to his desk to get a few things. 

"He likes to hold you," Anna whispers to him, grinning like an idiot. "Never thought I'd hear Dean Winchester say that to a guy - wait, no - to _anyone_ in a million years." 

"I can hear you, you know." Dean's gruff voice comes from over their shoulders. Castiel and Anna share a smile. He takes his few things back over to his bed and sits cross legged facing Anna.

Castiel flips open his book and pulls out a pen. "So, where did you want to start?"

***

They hadn't been studying for long when Dean had dozed off again, his light snores filling Castiel's ears. Castiel found himself occasionally peering over Dean's shoulders to look at his sleeping form. His brows weren't bunched together and his lips weren't in a thin line like Castiel had seen so many times before. All his features were relaxed. He looked calm. Peaceful, even, Castiel had thought as Dean's chest rose and fell under the sheets. 

Now, a whole hour after they started studying, Dean stirs beside him once again. "What time is it?" he grumbles, craning his head over his shoulder - careful not to bump Castiel and knock his books off the bed. 

"About a quarter to ten." Castiel responds, quickly jotting something down before he forgets. Dean grunts.

"I should probably get up." Dean rights himself up against the pillows and rubs a hand over his face. 

"Have somewhere to be?" Anna asks, from where she's still lounging in Castiel's desk chair. 

"I have a shift at work," Dean responds, then turns his attention to Castiel. "Is it alright if I have a quick shower before I go? I probably don't have time to go back to my place."

"Of course." Castiel smiles, and watches as Dean's eyes flick over to Anna. Castiel follows to see that her back is turned, writing something down on her notebook. Dean quickly leans forward to press his lips to Castiel's own. He pulls back just a few inches to nudge Castiel's glasses back into place with a soft smile. Castiel looks down, his eyes flicking back to Anna again to make sure she's not watching. Dean somehow manoeuvres himself off the bed without bumping into any of Castiel's stuff, which he is grateful for. 

Dean picks up the clean clothes he was wearing after the game yesterday and takes them into the shower, closing the door with one last wink to Castiel. Castiel shuffles himself back against the pillows to get more comfortable as he hears the shower turn on. Anna's already looking at him with a smug smile when he looks back up. Castiel glares at her and she laughs into her hand. 

Dean looks the same as he was last night, hair wet and his shirt sticking to his skin when he comes out. Castiel tries not to watch Dean throw on his jacket and pull on his boots. He can almost sense Anna's eyes on him. Does he really look that hopelessly in love?

Castiel finally looks up when Dean walks over to him. "Okay, I'll talk to you later." Castiel nods, closing his eyes when Dean kisses him on the forehead. Dean turns to Anna, slinging his bag over his shoulder. "And I'll see you some other time."

"Have fun at work," she says, and Dean grunts in response before he's out the door. "You know, I should've taken a picture of you two spooning." There's a mischievous twinkle in Anna's eyes and Castiel flushes. "Gabe would've loved that." She laughs again. "Gosh, he adores you so much." Castiel's eyes catch the photo frame with the two of them on his desk. If it's that obvious to everything else, why should he be worried about Dean not loving him back? It's just his insecurities being too loud.

Castiel looks up to meet Anna's eyes. "Well, the feeling's mutual." This time Anna's eyes soften. 

"I know."

***

It starts to rain when Castiel steps outside of the library. Castiel wipes the little drops off his phone's screen to read Dean's latest text.

_**My Beautiful Asshole** _

_**Free tonight?** _

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Yes.** _

_**My Beautiful Asshole** _

_**Mine or yours?** _

Castiel smiles. He's not sure why. But those words - mine or yours - make everything seem more domestic. Castiel likes domestic.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I have an assignment to work on so could we do mine again?** _

_**My Beautiful Asshole** _

_**Anything for you.** _

Castiel shakes his head but he knows he would do anything for Dean too. Oh, how things have changed. He shoves his phone in his pocket and takes off towards his building, hoping to get there quicker before the drizzle turns into something more. He's almost there when he looks up and meets the eyes of Alastair. He looks down. Shit. Brady's there too but no sign of Bartholomew. Castiel quickens his steps but there's no movement out of the corner of his eye. He looks back to see Alastair still watching him but not making a move to come over. Maybe there's too many people around in the broad daylight. Well, it's not exactly light now but it's still just the afternoon.

It hasn't exactly been that long since his last run in with Alastair but it feels like forever. That doesn't sit well in Castiel's stomach. He tries hard not to think about it when he reaches his dorm room but it seems that Alastair has made him a bit fidgety, as if the boy's going to pop out any minute and give him a beating. He's startled when his phone starts ringing but lets out a breath of relief when he sees it's Dean.

"Hello," Castiel answers, shoving his backpack off his shoulders. 

"Hey, Cas. I might be a bit late tonight so you should probably grab some dinner by yourself instead of waiting."

"That's fine. I'll just get something from the cafeteria." Castiel looks over at his alarm by his bed. It's just turned four o'clock. "When do you think you'll be coming over?" He hears Dean shuffling around on the other end of the phone.

"Maybe around nine." Castiel nods.

"You know, you could've just texted me," Castiel says, taking a seat at his desk.

"I know. But I like hearing your voice." Dean's voice is soft and gentle. Castiel feels like he could melt. 

"Yeah. Me too. Okay, well. See you then." 

"See ya, Cas." Dean hangs up and Castiel sighs, leaning back in his chair. Somehow hearing Dean's voice makes him relax and forget about Alastair. Maybe the guy realised he wasn't worth it anymore. Not with Dean by his side and all of Dean's friends too. Castiel doesn't believe it but fortunately he doesn't think too much about it after that.

His assignment is due on Tuesday so he still has a few days to finish it but he would rather get it out of the way as soon as possible. Then he could do some more things with Dean during the week and catch up on some other classes he's slightly behind on. Well, he'll probably spend most of it with Dean but he'll just pretend that it's to catch up with other things as well so he doesn't feel completely guilty about it.

He almost feels excited about getting his assignment done on a Sunday night because of that. Almost.

***

Nine o'clock comes around quickly. Half past nine does too. And soon it's ten o'clock and Castiel's phone keeps going to voicemail when he tries to call Dean. He'd finished his assignment, eaten at the cafeteria - it started pouring down outside around then - and now he is reading his book, all cozied up in bed. And he's worrying about Dean. Castiel didn't think to ask why Dean would be so late but the logical thing would be that he had football training. Maybe he just got caught up after it. Maybe he'd gone out to have a quick drink with his friends. 

Or maybe - no. Dean's fine. He's been late to things before. Right? Castiel thinks back to when Dean had been avoiding him. Maybe it has started again. But Dean sounded so happy on the phone. Why would he start ignoring Castiel now? That wouldn't make any sense. And therefore Dean is fine. His phone probably just ran out of battery.

Castiel sighs. His stupid worrying won't leave him alone. He can barely read two pages of his book before something else pops up inside his brain. Maybe this, maybe that, maybe -

He hears the sound of a key jingling just outside his door. Relief washes over Castiel. Finally. But then the jingling stops and there's silence. Castiel feels his heart speed up. This shouldn't be as scary as it feels. Maybe it's Alastair. Maybe that's why he didn't attack Castiel this afternoon. Maybe he's about to barge in and - Castiel silently puts down his book and glasses and gets up from his bed, leaving his thoughts behind. He tip toes over to the door and looks through the peephole.

He deflates. 

It's just Dean.

But he's not trying to get in. He's standing outside the door, his arm up against the wall and his head rested against it. He's hair and clothes are wet. And he looks...

Castiel quickly opens the door, startling Dean but not making him turn fully to face Castiel. "Dean? Are you alright? You weren't answering your phone," Castiel says, taking a step towards him. Dean turns his head away. 

"Fuck, I'm sorry," Dean starts, his voice cracking. Clearly, he was right to be worried. "I shouldn't have come." Dean turns to leave, not even meeting Castiel's eyes.

"Dean." Castiel reaches his hand out to grab Dean and spin him around. And there it is. A slash on Dean's forehead. It's hard to tell how bad it is because while there's blood, the bleeding has obviously stopped and some of it must have washed away in the rain. Castiel can feel himself starting to panic.

"Shit, what happened? Are you okay?" And now he can barely keep the panic out of his voice, as he steps forward and cups Dean's cheek with one hand.

"I'm fine," Dean responds, blunt and any emotion that was there before is now gone. Castiel grits his teeth together. 

"You're not fine." Castiel takes him by the arm and drags him into his room, closing the door behind him. Castiel turns to face Dean again, cupping Dean's face with both hands now, careful to be gentle. "Please tell me what happened," he pleads, although, Castiel thinks he might already know. But then there's Alastair too. Maybe that's what they were up to when they didn't attack Castiel. But if it was Alastair, Castiel's sure Dean would tell him. 

"I'm fine, Cas." And this time Dean's voice is defensive, trying to jerk his head away but Castiel doesn't let go. That's it. It was definitely his father.

"Dean, please don't do this - " Dean's jaw twitches and suddenly his hands are on Castiel's shoulders, pushing him slightly backwards and gripping so tightly it hurts - so tightly that Castiel's hands drop from Dean's face.

"I'm fucking fine, okay!" Dean shouts and Castiel's chest tightens to the point where it feels like he might explode. He whimpers.

"You're hurting me." It's barely a whisper but his voice cracks. Dean flinches, his eyes dropping to where his hands are on Castiel. Suddenly, his hands are gone, recoiling as if he's been burnt. There's fear in his eyes. And then he's turning and heading for the door. Castiel reaches out again.

"Please don't leave," Castiel says, and thankfully, Dean stops. He rests his head against the wall, his face turned. Castiel takes one of his hands in his own. "Please." Dean seems to crumple at that, tears flooding his eyes as he sinks to the floor. Castiel goes with him, kneeling down on the floor in front of Dean and holding his hand tight. Dean's not gripping his hand at all and Castiel's not sure what to do. Everything's happening so fast.

"Fuck," Dean sobs, pulling his hand away and suddenly he's whacking the palm of his hand against his head. Over and Over.

"Stop." Castiel reaches forward to try and grab Dean's hand - to try and restrain him. "Please stop. You're hurting yourself," Castiel says, voice wobbling and only now does he realise he's crying too.

"I deserve it," Dean responds, an ugly sob wracking out of him as Castiel finally restrains his hand. Dean tries to fight against him but after a few moments his hand goes limp.

"No, you don't." Castiel leans forward and wraps his arms around Dean's neck. 

"I hurt you," Dean mumbles wetly into Castiel's shoulder. 

"You didn't hurt me," Castiel whispers. "I'm - " He holds Dean tight when he tries to hit himself again. "Please stop," Castiel cries. "I love you. I love you so much."

Dean goes limps again, his face falling back down into Castiel's shoulder. He cries harder then. Castiel takes a few deep breaths, trying his hardest to compose himself. 

"I'm sorry, fuck. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Castiel hushes.

"No, it's not."

"Yes, it is," Castiel brushes a soothing hand up and down Dean's back. Dean's hands continue to stay limp at his side. "Whatever's going on, we can figure it out together. Just like we always do." The weight in Castiel's chest threatens to crush him so he holds Dean tighter and squeezes his eyes shut. Why do bad things always have to happen to them? 

"Why do you still want to be with me?" Castiel whimpers. The question's always been so complicated. But now, it comes clear as day.

"Because I love you. You know that." 

"You shouldn't." And in this moment Castiel hates Dean's father more than anyone in the world. How could anyone do this to Dean? To someone so kind and deserving? What did he have to say to make Dean so broken?

"Don't let him get to you, Dean. Please." 

Suddenly, Dean lets out a strangled laugh. "And to think that the other night I was gonna tell you you could start leaving your stuff at my place." Castiel feels like someone just punched him in the chest. So that's what Dean was going to ask him at Anna's. And maybe even on the night of the football game. "Fuck, I hurt you." A fresh wave of tears flood down Dean's face, his shoulders shaking and his hands trembling where they lie now clenched at his sides.

"I'm okay, Dean. Really, I'm okay." 

"It doesn't matter. I still hurt you. Fucking again like the fucking worthless piece of shit I am." 

"That's not true." Castiel can feel his own tears well up again, threatening to spill. "You know, that's not true. Please just tell me what happened."

"He just told me the truth. You should never have given me another chance." Castiel leans back and holds Dean's face in his hands so he can finally look into Dean's teary, dull eyes.

"You're wrong. It was the best thing I ever did." Another sob wracks out of Dean's body, his eyes falling away from Castiel. Castiel holds him against his chest until he's cried himself dry. Until Castiel's cried himself dry. And when they're both okay he pulls them both to their feet. He doesn't have to coerce Dean into taking a shower. His clothes are wet and he's just starting to shiver now. He strips down, his movements slow and Castiel helps him when he needs it before doing it himself. Dean turns on the hot water and sinks down onto the cold tiles, his arms wrapped around his legs. 

Castiel takes the shower head off of it's stand and grabs some soap before kneeling down in front of Dean. He turns it down to a lower pressure and starts to wash Dean. Dean just sits there, his head resting on his knees and only moving it when Castiel lightly pushes his head from one side to the other. He focuses on Dean's cut next, washing it and, to his concern, finding some blood in Dean's hair. He must have another smaller cut under there where he can't see. Finally, Dean speaks, as if he knows what Castiel is wondering.

"It was a glass bottle. He threw it at me and it smashed against the wall but some of it got me when it shattered." His voice is resigned. His eyes look empty. Castiel tries not to think about how that could've ended a lot worse for Dean. He carefully cleans that too, making sure there's no more glass lodged anywhere before turning the shower off and helping Dean out. He gives Dean some of his own boxers and a shirt to get into while he pulls his own pyjamas back on and hangs Dean's wet clothes up to dry.

Castiel then gets Dean to sit down on the toilet seat for a second while he puts some ointment over his cut and places a bandaid over it. Dean doesn't protest towards anything until Castiel leads him back out to his bed. Dean jerks his arm from where Castiel's holding it. 

"I don't want to hurt you," Dean says, his own hands closing over one another. Castiel steps into his personal space and takes his hands apart.

"You're not going too." Dean swallows, his gaze not meeting Castiel's. "Please, I don't want you to leave." Dean's eyes meet his then and he nods. Castiel watches as Dean climbs into his bed and faces the wall, his back to Castiel. Castiel turns the light off and gets in beside him. He wraps an arm around Dean, finding one of Dean's hands to hold. 

He hugs him closer when Dean's shoulders start to shake again. When he does, Dean's hand finally grips Castiel's back. Castiel doesn't cry. He has to be strong. He has to be here for Dean. Hopefully then, Dean will finally realise that Castiel's not leaving. And that Dean can tell him anything. 

It's far past midnight when Castiel's breathing finally evens out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic has around about 3-4 chapters to go hoorah! I hope you liked this chapter and I hope you all have a great week! Love you all <3<3<3
> 
>  
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobic Language

It's not a surprise when Dean's gone in the morning. In fact, Castiel should've seen it coming. Or at least woken up. But he didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Castiel's first instinct would usually be to get angry at Dean for leaving again like this and not telling him. However, Castiel's too tired right now. 

He decides to lie in bed a little longer, his thoughts rolling over one by one in his head. Something really terrible happened to Dean last night. Castiel's guess is a drunk John came in, yelled some awful things at Dean making him feel worthless, threw a bottle at his head and then...Castiel assumed he must have left after that. When Castiel showered Dean last night he found no other bruises or cuts on his body. Either he left by himself or Dean was somehow able to usher him out.

How long did Dean wait until he came to Castiel's dorm? The slash on his forehead had already stopped bleeding. But then Dean did walk all the way over here in the rain. That's the only reason why he could've been so wet. 

And then when he got here he had a complete break down. Castiel's no stranger to those. He's had them quite a few times before. And all of them, he went through by himself. Maybe that's why Dean left. Maybe that's why Dean second guessed coming here. Does he want to be alone? Castiel likes to be alone sometimes. But he would have given anything to have someone like Dean there when he was going through rough times. Even if Dean did want to be alone, though, he can't just completely cut off from Castiel. Not again. And in the shape that Dean was in last night, Castiel wouldn't be surprised if he hurt himself. Or drank himself sick.

That's why Castiel can't leave Dean alone. 

Castiel checks his phone. Nothing. No note on his bedside table. Nothing. 

He's not angry. But concern fills him from head to toe. 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I know you're in a bad head space right now but I need to know that you're alright. Please, Dean. I need to hear your voice and know you're not going to do something to hurt yourself. Please be safe.** _

Castiel has two classes today. One in about two hours. The other later in the evening. If he can't find Dean this morning, it's probably best to attend them and use them as a distraction. He doesn't think he could bear lying around in his dorm all day. So he gets up, gets ready for the day like he usually would except a thousand times quicker. He hauls his backpack up from the floor - already packed from the day before - and walks out of his room. He'll get breakfast on the way to Dean's apartment. Because that's the first place Dean would go.

***

He readied himself for not finding Dean at the first place he looked but it still feels like a kick to the gut when he doesn't see Dean's car in the parking lot. He checks upstairs anyway but doesn't hear anything from the inside of Dean's apartment and definitely doesn't get an answer when he calls.

That's when on old lady living two doors down pops out into the hallway. Castiel knows it's a long shot but he decides to ask anyway.

"Uh, excuse me?" he calls, gaining the lady's attention. "Did you see the guy that lives in this apartment coming back this morning? Or hear anything?"

"No, I haven't. Thought I heard his car pulling out this morning though. A loud engine on that one. Can't miss it." So he did take his car out. At least he has that right.

"Did you happen to hear anything the night before?" Castiel asks, and he probably won't get anything out of it that he doesn't know already but he does it anyway. Just in case.

The lady gives him a sad smile. "I did, unfortunately." Castiel nods, gesturing for her to go on. "Didn't hear anything I could make out but lots of yelling. Poor boy. I think it's his father who gives it to him. Nearly called the cops but the fight was over before I got to the phone. Heard Dean leaving not long after but didn't hear the car, so I'm not sure where he went."

Castiel raises his eyebrows at hearing Dean's name. "You know him?"

"He helps me with taking my trash out time to time. Helps me with hauling the groceries up too whenever he sees me. He's a sweet boy."

Castiel returns her sad smile. "Yeah, he is. Thank you for letting me know."

"I'm sure he'll be fine. He always is." Castiel narrows his eyes. He's guessing she's heard Dean and his father fighting more times than once.

"I hope so. Thanks again." He's back off down the stairs, looking down at his watch and noting that his class starts in about forty five minutes. Castiel thinks about dropping by Dean's work. If he's there that's great and his worrying will be cut short. And if he's not, well, Dean could've gone anywhere in his car. No, he won't go just now. The lecture will be good for him. Keep his mind off of things. And with that, he walks back the way he came.

***

The lecture does not help him keep his mind off of things. Not one bit. Castiel doesn't even know what the hell the professor is going on about because he can't concentrate at all. He stares at his phone for most of it.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**I went to your apartment but you weren't there. I understand if you want to be by yourself right now but could you please just tell me you're okay. That's all I need to know. I'm really worried about you.** _

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**It's not true what he said. I don't even know what he said but I know it's not true. You're not worthless. You're beautiful, Dean. You're kind and caring and smart and funny and amazing and talented and just so fucking worth it. Please believe me.**_

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**He's just one man. Please don't let him hurt you like this. There are so many other people who care about you and love you and I fucking love you, okay? i love you like i've never loved anyone in my whole entire life and**_   _ **please dean please just be okay** _

Castiel slumps down in his seat when he doesn't get a reply to any of his texts. He closes his eyes and breathes. In and out. Somehow, he gets through the last half hour of the lecture. Somehow. And then he doesn't know what to do with himself. 

His phone buzzes. Castiel nearly cries when he sees it's not from Dean. It's from his father. Fucking great.

_**Father** _

_**You've most likely already thought this would happen so I'll just get on with it. The family thinks it's best the at you don't come visit for my birthday. Please don't make a big deal out of this, Castiel. If you do I'll have no other choice but to stop paying for your stay at college.** _

He was right. Fucking great. Threatening to stop paying for his college stay if he makes a big deal about this. Why would he do that anyway? Why the fuck would his family think he actually liked going back to Kansas for these occasions? It doesn't matter anyway. Because it's just made his day even fucking worse. 

He doesn't reply and certainly doesn't think twice before walking off towards the cafe where Dean works. It's another long shot. He knows that. But what else is he supposed to do? He needs to give himself some sort of hope. 

Benny's behind the counter when he gets there and seems to know exactly what Castiel wants as soon as he sees him. "He's not here."

"Was he here this morning?" Castiel asks, almost pleading. Benny raises one eyebrow.

"No, he wasn't. You alright, kid? Did something happen?" Benny responds, leaning forward on the counter. Castiel wipes a sweaty palm over his forehead and thinks about what he should say.

"I just haven't heard from him in a while and I wanted to know if he's okay or not." Benny nods, and if he notices that Castiel's looking way more stressed out for a situation like that, then he doesn't comment.

"I'll make him give you a call if he shows up here, okay?" 

"Thank you so much. It means a lot," Castiel says, before turning and making his way out of the cafe.

He ends up standing outside the cafe for a good ten minutes trying to decide what to do next. He has another lecture in a few hours and if he hasn't heard from Dean by then, then he might as well go. But what now? He has hours to kill. Hours to worry. He thinks about going back inside the cafe and waiting there. No, that'll make him lose his mind waiting for Dean to waltz right through the door.

Castiel lets out a deep breath before walking back to campus. He'll sit down, get some lunch over there, maybe go to the library and do some study. Get his mind off of things. Castiel rolls his eyes at his own thoughts. Nothing is going to get his mind off of Dean now. He should instead focus on at least surviving the whole day. Yeah, that's better. He can do that. Right?

***

Castiel feels like he's one second away from having a panic attack. He tries really hard not to get angry at Dean. Because Dean is hurting and Castiel knows what it's like to hurt that bad. But couldn't he at least send Castiel one text? Let him know that he's okay? Castiel will give him space if that's what he needs but Dean at least could've told him where he is.

The wind picks up as he crosses the grass over to the football stadium. It's already getting dark outside. After seeing Benny, he had stuck to his plan. Staying in the library was the hardest though. Every part of him was itching just to run straight back to his room and curl up under his sheets to wait it out there. But he was sure he'd go crazy in there too. So he'd stayed until he realised that football training was on tonight. Castiel had practically bursted out of the library.

He ultimately fails at reassuring himself as he walks towards the bright lights. He keeps thinking that Dean was fine last time so he should be fine this time. But he's not stupid. He knows this time was worse, even if Dean hadn't acted like it. He puts his head down, not wanting to look up at the football field and be disappointed when he sees that Dean's not there. 

He finds his little spot at the end of the field, sitting down and leaning against the fence. He takes a few deep breaths and finally looks up and over to where the players are running through some drills in the centre of the field. Castiel's eyes trail over each and every one of them, even the players on the sidelines. He's not there. Castiel feels all of the tension drain out of his body and he closes his eyes. He feels like he's failed at something. Maybe he has. Maybe he failed at making Dean feel safe with him. Castiel feels his chest tightening and that oh too familiar emotion welling up inside of him. 

It's been a very long day.

He can hear the voices of the players on the field. But he can't hear Dean cracking jokes and laughing along with his fellow teammates. He can hear the sound of the wind. And a faint buzzing sound behind him. 

Shit. His phone's vibrating in his backpack. He quickly yanks it off his shoulders, unzipping and reaching a hand down into it to find his phone. He'd put it in there when he was in the library so he would stop getting distracted and looking at it every five seconds. Now he digs down frantically, hope - not for the first time today - filling his chest. He grabs it, pulling it out and - it's Dean.

"Dean? Is that you?" Castiel asks, and he doesn't bother trying to hide the panic in his voice. _Please be okay._

"Yeah, Cas. It's me. Fuck, I'm so sorry. I only just got you texts and - "

"What do you mean 'you only just got them'? I've been trying to get a hold of you all day," Castiel interrupts, his frustration getting the best of him.

"I didn't have my phone with me last night and I didn't bother coming back to my apartment to get it this morning. Didn't you get my note?" Castiel rubs a hand down his face.

"What note?" Castiel nearly yells. 

"The note I left on your desk." Dean pauses and Castiel feels like his brain has come to a halt. "Fuck, Cas. I didn't know you were so worried. That's why I left the note. And I only just got home to see your messages. You know I wouldn't of just ignored you like that, especially after last time."

Silent tears fall down Castiel's face and he doesn't bother wiping them away. Of course Dean left a note. And of course Castiel didn't see it and drove himself fucking crazy for a whole day worrying about something he shouldn't have. 

"Cas?" 

"Where were you?" Castiel asks, his voice much softer than before, all anger and frustration now drained out of him. 

"I went to the old cinema that we went to on our first date. I said that in the note too. I just needed some time to think about things by myself, I swear." 

"And you're okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm okay." Castiel feels relief wash over him and tips his head back to look up at the night sky. Dean continues, his voice soothing Castiel the more he talks. "I mean, maybe not one hundred percent but I'm okay."

"Can I come see you?" Castiel says, picking at the grass in front of him. Laying down on a bed - any bed - with Dean right beside him is all he needs at this moment in time.

"Yeah, of course. Shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen." Castiel shakes his head and a forced smile comes to his lips even though no one is there to see it.

"It's not your fault, Dean." _It's my stupid fucking fault for assuming you'd gone off again and for not bothering to take a look around for more than one second._

"You'll be here soon?"

"Yeah, I'll head over now. Bye, Dean."

"Bye, Cas." Castiel wipes the wetness from his face with the back of his hand. He doesn't know whether he wants to scream or cry some more. He settles for just resting his head against the gate and closing his eyes for a second. He's okay. And even though all of this stupid worrying could have been avoided, in the end Dean is okay and that's all that matters. 

Opening his eyes, Castiel can see Rufus picking up the last of the equipment before heading inside. The players must have left while he was on the phone. He should probably get going. He shoves his phone in his pocket and zips up his bag before standing up and beginning to walk across the park.

The wind has settled down and now that the football players are off the field, Castiel can hear nothing but his own thoughts going back and forth in his head. They must be pretty damn loud because he certainly doesn't hear anyone sneak up behind him before there's a quiet, "Boo," right next to his ear.

Castiel swears, turning just in time to glimpse Alastair who shoves him making him stumble backwards and fall on his ass. Pain shoots up his spine and he swears again when he sees that Brady and Bartholomew are there too. "Haven't had a chance to say hi to you in a while. I guess it's my lucky night." Alastair says, towering above him. 

Brady grabs onto him roughly and drags him up. Castiel takes his chance, shoving Brady off of him before attempting to run. It doesn't last long. There's footsteps behind him soon enough and he's being yanked back where he stumbles once again and falls to the ground. Alastair doesn't wait any longer after he reaches up to Castiel and Brady before kicking Castiel right in the stomach. Castiel curls in on himself. He wishes Dean were here to save him.

Alastair kicks and kicks and spits slurs at him, sometime actually spitting at him. "Well, would you look at that," Alastair says. "Not even gonna put up a fight anymore. You're fucking weaker than I thought."

"And you're a fucking coward," Castiel spits. The kicking ceases for a moment. Alastair leans down towards his face.

"What was that?" Alastair reaches a hand out and grips Castiel's hair so tight he has to grit his teeth to try and not scream out. 

"You're. A fucking. Coward." Castiel's arms covering his head soften the blow from Alastair's fist enough for it to only hurt a little.

Castiel closes his eyes to wait for the next beating when Alastair raises his voice, "You little piece of - "

"Hey, Alastair! Smile for the fucking camera!" Castiel opens his eyes. Is that fucking Michael? He cranes his neck. Castiel feels as though he wants to laugh or sink into the ground out of sheer embarrassment because there is half the fucking football team standing not too far away and there is Michael, Benny and Victor, walking over to them, calmly enough as though to not startle Alastair and his friends.

"Get the fuck away from him, dickhead," Victor shouts, and Castiel looks up to see Brady and Bartholomew giving each other concerned looks.

"Or what?" Alastair sneers.

"You wouldn't want this video getting out, would you? I'm sure you're daddy wouldn't like that. He's a police officer, right?" Michael says, and Castiel raises his eyebrows. Alastair blanches and starts stumbling backwards, away from Castiel.

"Could get all three o'you kicked out of this place. And I'm sure the rest of the team and I could put in a good word for you," Benny says, finally reaching Castiel and offering a hand to pull him up. Castiel takes it and watches as Alastair sprouts out a few colourful words before gesturing to his friends and taking off. Well, he's right. What a fucking coward. 

And how fucking humiliating.

"You okay?" Benny asks, looking him up and down. Castiel nods, dazedly. That all went very fast.

"Is that true? Can he really be kicked out?" Benny shrugs. 

"Not sure. But probably would rather not get him kicked out. That could just make him angrier. And we wouldn't have something to hold over him anymore, if you catch my drift." Castiel nods again. 

"Right, yeah, that's...that's really smart." Benny gives him a concerned smile.

"You sure you're alright?"

"Don't worry, Castiel. We got him covered. He'll be walking on eggshells after this," Michael says, coming over to pat him on the back. Castiel looks over to see the other football players all leaving. Thank god. Only Benny, Michael and Victor stay beside him.

"Thank you," Castiel responds, still not really taking in everything that just happened. "I - uh - have to go now. But thank you again for, um, doing that."

"No problem. And if you see Dean, tell him to get his ass down to training." Victor pats him on the shoulder and Castiel gives them all an awkward wave before half walking, half jogging off.

Castiel takes a deep breath. Fuck. This is all too much for one day. This is all too much for one whole fucking year let alone one day. Deep breath. It's okay. Everything's going to be okay. Alastair now won't probably be bothering him again anytime soon. That's great. That's fucking amazing, actually. And now he knows Dean's okay and he's going to see him now. Everything's settling into place.

The trek to Dean's apartment is slow, his back and stomach aching - his head luckily not too bad. He makes it to the bottom of the building and curses the stupid flights of stairs he has to go up. His back is aching even more by the time he reaches Dean's floor. He rests against the wall and grits his teeth before pushing off and walking over to Dean's door.

He's almost there when he hears someone walking up the stairs behind him. And then, "Hey, you!" Fuck, what now? Castiel turns. His stomach drops. John Winchester walks towards him, his left hand holding a bottle of alcohol, the other clenched into a fist. "You're the one who turned my son into a faggot!" Fear spikes in Castiel's gut. 

"Dean!" Castiel shouts and it's all he can do before he's punched right in the side of his face. Castiel immediately brings his hands up as he falls backwards, knees buckling under him as he falls down. Castiel looks up to face the rage of John Winchester and he's never been so terrified in his life. "Dean!"

"You disgusting little faggot. You think you can take my son from me?" John reaches for his shirt and Castiel scrambles just out of reach. The door to Dean's apartment flies open and Dean's out, taking in the scene for a split second before he's hauling his father backwards and punching him square in the face. Dean's back is to Castiel now, blocking John from getting to him. John wipes blood from his nose and growls. "Is that it, huh? You're going to choose him over your own father. She would hate what you are."

Dean's fists clench so hard, Castiel can see his veins pop. "You can hit me all you want but don't you fucking dare touch him." His voice is steady but his rage matches his father and Castiel's heart is hammering so fast in his chest that he think he might have a heart attack. He's paralysed. He can do nothing but sit helplessly on the ground. This is nothing like his fear of Alastair and his friends. John is bigger, more powerful. And the anger behind his eyes... How did Dean ever face this man day to day?

"He ruined you," John practically growls.

"Why are you here again?" Dean says, and John steps forward.

"Because you ran off like a little bitch before I could finish my lesson." Castiel feels a punch to the gut. Dean had to run away? Fuck, it was worse than he thought. Dean's silent for a few seconds and Castiel still can't move. Frozen in fear of what's going to happen next.

"I think you should leave."

"Or what?"

"I'll call the police if you don't get out of this building right now," a familiar voice comes from behind John and Castiel looks around them to see the old lady who lives next door. John laughs and Castiel's scared he's gonna attack her too. But then he takes a sip of his bottle before throwing it on the ground.

"Look at you." John leans around Dean to set his fiery eyes on Castiel. Then he spits at Dean's feet. "You're not worth it." He turns and Castiel's heart pounds as they all watch him take off down the stairs. Dean's fists unclench and then he's whipping around and down on his knees beside Castiel in a second.

"Are you okay? Fuck, I'm so sorry," Dean babbles on as Castiel focuses on not having a complete breakdown in front of the old lady who is still hovering by her door.

"Are you alright, dear?" she calls, and Dean looks up as if he had forgotten she was even there at all. Castiel swallows down his tears.

"I'll be fine. Just a bit sore." It comes out raspy and defeated but it's enough to have her nod and turn to Dean.

"Did you want me to call the police?" Dean shakes his head, already pulling Castiel up in the most gentle way possible as if he will shatter if Dean presses hard enough. 

"No, it's fine. I can handle him." She doesn't look like she believes him but nods again and offers a sad smile.

"Well, let me know if you need anything." And then the door is closing with a soft click behind her.

"C'mon, let's get you inside," Dean says, his tone hushed and his eyes searching for Castiel's. Castiel doesn't look at him and Dean doesn't say anything, guiding him through the door and into his apartment. Dean settles him down on the couch, taking his backpack from him and placing it on the ground before mumbling something about 'cleaning him up' and running off to the bathroom.

Castiel stares at his hands. They tremble and he tries his hardest to think about the good things that happened today. Dean's friends saved him from Alastair and quite possibly got him and his gang off his back for a little while. Dean is here and he's okay. That's a good one. That's a really good one. Dean's completely okay and therefore Castiel is too. They are both completely -

"Cas, shh. It's okay," Dean's suddenly there in front of him, looking him right in the eye and he's trembling. He's trembling and he's not okay. He's not okay. "Just let it out. It's alright. I'm here now and I'm so, so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry." Dean's arms are around him and Castiel buries his face in Dean's neck, his hands still sitting in his lap.

"I never should've left you. I should've stayed or at least come back for my fucking phone so you could call me. I would've answered earlier if I could, Cas, I swear." It was only a night ago that the roles were reversed and Dean was crying into Castiel's shoulder. Apparently the world won't let them go on happy for too long. 

Castiel curls his fists into the front of Dean's shirt and breathes heavily into his shoulder, willing himself to calm down. Dean's whispering sweet nothings into his ear but Castiel can barely hear them over the pounding inside his skull. Everything aches. His back, his stomach, his face, his chest. One not because he was kicked or punched there. 

The shoulder of Dean's shirt is now completely soaked in Castiel's tears and snot but Dean doesn't even look at it. When Castiel finally pulls back and his hands only give the odd shake every once in a while, Dean cups his face in his palms and brushes the wetness away. Castiel wants to start crying again when he sees that Dean's eyes are red rimmed but it seems he's all out. 

Dean leans forward to place a kiss on his head and Castiel's eyes flutter closed. "I'm gonna clean you up, okay?" There's barely any blood. Only a small speck on his lip where Dean's father must have clipped him with a ring. Other than that, he just has bruising that is slowly becoming visible on his skin. He imagines it'll be pretty big in the morning.

While Dean begins to clean Castiel's face with a wet cloth he'd retrieved from the bathroom, Castiel wonders if he should tell Dean about Alastair. Dean seems stressed enough and Castiel doesn't exactly want to add something else to Dean's list of things to feel guilty for - because that's obviously what will happen. But he decides he has to in the end. He'll find out sooner or later and at the end of the day it was more of a win than a lose. Even though Castiel's aching body says otherwise. 

Castiel swallows, his eyes looking down to the floor as he speaks. "Alistair - " Dean doesn't even need to hear the rest of it to know what happened. He swears, fists clenching as he lets go of Castiel's face. 

"Great. Fucking fantastic." He throws the cloth to the floor and it lands with a sharp slap that makes Castiel flinch. Dean's too busy looking down at the floor to notice. Castiel places one hand over Dean's right fist and brushes his thumbs over his grazed knuckles from where he hit his father. The scars from his encounter with his own car window nearly a month ago are still there. Faded, but there. 

"You couldn't have done anything," Castiel says, and he feels strangely empty inside, and it shows in his voice when he speaks. It's nearly as if he's too tired to convey proper emotions. 

A disbelieving laugh punches out of Dean and he runs a frustrated hand through his hair. "You and I both know that's not true." 

"It is true." Dean doesn't respond. "Your friends stopped him." Dean's head perks up at that, eyebrows raised. "Michael filmed it and pretty much blackmailed all of them. Hopefully that'll keep them away for a while." Dean stares for a few extra seconds before he huffs.

"Well, shit. That's...that's great," Dean says, and he looks genuinely happy. "That makes things a lot easier." Castiel narrows his eyes. Dean meets his eyes and seems to have some sort of panic attack within the space of one second before blurting out, "For you, obviously."

Castiel decides not to comment on the strangeness of the response and settles for nodding instead.

"Did you need me to clean - uh - anything else?" Castiel takes a moment before he realises Dean's asking if Alastair and his friends hurt him anywhere. 

"No, they're just small bruises," he lies, although it's not really a lie because as of now, they really are just small bruises. Tomorrow will tell a different story.

"Did you want to take a shower?" Dean asks.

"Yes, that would probably be good." Dean hefts him up from the couch and guides him through to the bathroom with one hand resting lightly on Castiel's lower back. 

"Would you like me to make you something to eat? A sandwich or..." Dean says, as they get to the door and Castiel starts to change. Castiel looks up, frowning. Dean's not coming in with him.

"A sandwich would be nice," Castiel replies. He'd forgotten that the last time he ate was early in the afternoon. 

"I'll have it ready for when you get out." Dean offers him a small, forced smile before closing the bathroom door. Castiel stands in the centre of the bathroom, half naked as he wonders what it is about Dean that's off. 

The water is warm, thankfully, and Castiel is able to scrub the dirt from his palms and skin where he'd fallen onto the ground over the span of the last hour. It feels nice to be in Dean's apartment. It feels safer for some reason even though Dean's father just came and punched him harder than he's ever been punched in his life. Maybe it's the fact that he feels safer in knowing that Dean's not going to up and leave in the morning.

Walking out into the living room, the first thing Castiel sees is Dean wiping the back of his hand over his eyes. He looks up and startles, turning around but Castiel can still see the way he uses his shirt to wipe at his eyes. And when he turns back around to push Castiel's plate with his sandwich towards him on the other side of the counter with a small, "Here," it's not hard to see that his eyes are red again. 

"Are you okay?" Castiel asks, walking around the counter and into the kitchen. 

"Yeah, I'm..." Dean clears his throat. "I'm fine. Are you okay?" he asks, still not really looking at Castiel. Castiel reaches a hand out to take Dean's own and threads their fingers together.

"I am now." Dean's hand hangs limply in Castiel's. Dean glances up under his eyelashes and nods with some sort of attempt at a reassuring smile that falls flat. He steps towards the counter and his hand falls from Castiel's. He reaches out over to where he'd pushed Castiel's plate and slides it back towards them.

"You should have something to eat. And I can make another one if you're still hungry?" Castiel shakes his head and sits down on one of the stools. 

"One'll be enough, thank you." 

Dean taps his fingers on the counter - what Castiel has picked up over time as a nervous habit of his. What does he need to be nervous about? Castiel feels like that's a no brainer and chastises his own line of thinking. Of course he's nervous. His father just waltzed over and tried to beat up his boyfriend. Who wouldn't be nervous after that? Castiel takes a few slow bites, his cheek starting to hurt from the blow. Dean stands beside him for a little while, not meeting his eyes, before he walks away to start cleaning up the kitchen. 

After he's done and Castiel's plate is washed and put away - Dean insisting that he be the one to do it and Castiel should go and sit down - they decide to go to bed. It doesn't take many words for them to come to that decision. Dean just ends up standing awkwardly in the kitchen after he's finished and Castiel gives him one tired look before Dean is nodding and following him to the bedroom.

Dean gives him a fresh shirt to wear - Castiel not bothering with fresh boxers and keeping his own on - and he quickly changes into it, crawling onto the bed and waiting for Dean to get out of the bathroom. 

It takes a concerning amount of time and Castiel almost gets up a few times to see if he's okay but settles on giving Dean his space and waiting for him to come out. When he does, he looks fine. Well. He looks just as he was ten minutes before so he figures nothing too bad could've happened. He crawls into bed beside Castiel without saying a word, turning the light off and lying on his back with his hands resting on his chest. 

Castiel wants to curl up against him but looking at the way Dean's placed himself - he's not sure if he's allowed to. Castiel feels strangely rejected. He turns over in bed, back to Dean and stares at the opposite wall. Castiel's not sure how much time passes before he hears shuffling from behind him followed by a soft, "Cas?" 

Castiel twists around to find Dean right behind him and he barely has a time to whisper back before Dean has one hand on his jaw and he's crushing their lips together. Castiel's eyes slip closed and he melts into it, relief flooding his bones and his whole body turning to mush under the weight of Dean pressing against him. 

Castiel doesn't protest when the small split on his lip starts to sting because he doesn't want to cut this short. But it ends soon enough anyway, Dean pulling away to rest his forehead lightly against Castiel's. Dean brushes his thumb up and down over Castiel's jaw and he finds that he can finally breathe easy. 

They don't say anything. They just lie there. And after a while, Dean pushes at Castiel's shoulder to get him to roll over. He complies easily knowing that Dean is coming with him. In their usual position, Dean snuggled up behind Castiel, arm wrapped around his middle, Castiel is finally able to let go of his thoughts and relax back into the embrace. 

It's safe to say he falls asleep quicker than he did the night before. Dean does not.

***

Castiel starts to panic when Dean isn't beside him in the morning. But the faint sounds of footsteps on tiles coming from out in the living room - most likely the kitchen - allow him to calm down enough to lie in bed a little longer.

He takes his time getting up. His whole body aches. When he uses the bathroom he tries his hardest not to look in the mirror but eventually caves in and sighs at the ugly bruise that's now slapped onto his face. He listens to the reassuring sounds Dean's making from moving around in the kitchen as he pulls his jeans on over his boxers and changes into his own shirt. 

When he opens the door to the living room a lovely smell hits his nostrils. Castiel smiles as he sees pancakes already sitting on the counter. He drops his shoes and socks down by his backpack where he'd left it last night, finally making enough noise for Dean to notice. Dean turns when Castiel enters the kitchen, his hands wet with water from the sink. Castiel smiles and walks up to kiss him only for Dean to jerk his head away. 

"I - uh - made some pancakes," he says, gesturing towards the bench as his eyes look anywhere but Castiel. Castiel swallows.

"Is there something wrong?" He takes a step forwards and Dean takes a step back. Castiel feels like he's being hit in the face all over again. 

"No, there's nothing wrong. How about you just eat some breakfast and then we can talk."

"Talk about what?" Castiel asks, jaw clenching. 

"Why don't you just eat first." Dean finally meets his eyes and they look like they're begging him. 

"Why can't you just tell me what's - "

"We need to break up." A beat.

"What?" Castiel's chest clenches tight.

Dean says it again this time, slower, and looking at Castiel the whole time. "We need to break up." Castiel can already feel his eyes starting to well up but on top of it all, he feels anger. 

"After all we've been through - you're just going to break up with me? No. Fuck you, we're not breaking up." It hurts even more to see Dean become angry in return.

"That's not how this works, Cas. I'm breaking up with you and that's that." 

"I don't give a fuck how it works. This is bullshit." His eyes are teary, hands shaking with rage. 

"It's not bullshit," Dean says, his eyes hard and not looking like he's regretting this decision at all. Castiel wipes a hand over his eyes, looking over the the counter. He laughs, rough and strangled. 

"So what? You thought you'd cook up a nice meal and maybe that'd make me feel better about you ripping my fucking heart out." Because that's what it feels like. Castiel pauses. "Again." Guilt flashes in Dean's eye but then he blinks and it's gone.

"I'm doing this for you, Cas." 

"Oh, you're doing this for me?" He doesn't even think to ask why. He doesn't care. Dean breathes heavily, his jaw twitching. "You know if you were really doing this for me you would fucking stay with me." Dean huffs, throwing his arms out to the side.

"Then what do I have to do to get you to leave me then, huh?" Castiel's vision blurs. 

"If that's how you want to do it, fine." Castiel steps forward and shoves Dean in the chest. "Fucking hit me, then." Dean looks away.

"I'm not going to hit you," he grits out.

"Then go and fucking cheat on me. I know how much you love doing that." It's a low blow, he knows that. But he's finding it hard to breathe and he can't get past the pain in his chest. 

"How about this?" Dean raises his head and looks Castiel hard in the eye. "I _don't_ love you."

Tears fall and his lip quivers. "You're a fucking liar." But even as he says it, he's not even sure if he's right. Castiel's face crumples and he sobs. "I hate you so much." It comes out as a pained whisper and Castiel can't bear to look at Dean anymore. Can't bear to look at Dean's hard, unforgiving face. 

He's out of the kitchen in an instant, grabbing his backpack and shoes - not even bothering to put them on - and heads straight out the door, slamming it as hard as he can behind him. His legs buckle underneath him as he reaches the railing. He sinks to the ground in a heap, not able to stop the tears now. He doesn't stay there for long, realising he probably shouldn't be sitting in the hallway of an apartment building making a fool out of himself. He shoves his feet into his shoes and takes off without a glance back at Dean's door.

It takes him fifteen minutes more than usual to get back to his dorm and when he gets there, the first thing his eyes find is a ripped out piece of paper lying on his desk and everything fucking hurts. 

**_Just letting you know that I'm going out to that old cinema today. I just need some time to think by myself. My phone's in my apartment and I probably won't go back for that either. Don't want any distractions, you know? But if it is an emergency, you know where to find me. I thought I'd write this note so you wouldn't get worried like last time. I promise I won't do anything stupid to hurt myself. I know that's what you're probably thinking after last night. I'm sorry I scared you and hurt you. And I know I can never seem to say it out loud but I love you, Castiel. I really do._ **

Castiel rips the note in half.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... 
> 
> Only THREE chapters to go hoorah! I hope you liked this chapter and I hope you all have a great week! Love you all <3<3<3
> 
>  
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	24. Chapter 24

Time moves agonisingly slow, Castiel finds, when he lies in bed and stares at the wall all day. It's a nice sunny day outside. Beautiful weather. But Castiel can't even find the strength to get up. And when he does, it's late in the afternoon and he's starving enough that he makes his way down to the kitchen before hiking straight back up and into his locked room.

He's alone. Just him and his thoughts. He goes through all the stages, multiple times throughout the day.

He gets angry, whacking his pillow against his bed over and over until his muscles have had enough. He cries, curled up in bed, trying his hardest not to look at the frame on his bedside table until it becomes too much and he gently places it face down. He feels empty - staring at the wall for most of this time. And when he's not staring at the wall, he closes his eyes and lets the world pass him by. 

That's when he finds that the world does not pass him by and that time moves agonisingly slow. 

The thing is, he doesn't even think too much about Dean himself. He's too focused on the pain and letting all of his emotions out to really think about Dean properly. And when he does think about Dean properly, nothing makes sense.

Castiel thought it was getting better. He thought they were getting better at handling this stuff. But then Dean grabbed them and threw them so far backwards that, well, here they are. Castiel thinks a lot about the time, before this one, when Dean took off to be alone and didn't talk to Castiel for a little while. Was he thinking about breaking up with him back then too? 

In the end it doesn't matter. Because Dean has broken up with him now. And that's that.

He wonders if it would've hurt any less if Dean broke up with him a few weeks ago. He cries thinking about it and after that, stops thinking about Dean altogether. 

Of course that is until it's night time and he has to fall asleep. The last time he checks his phone, it's three in the morning. And when he wakes up it's seven in the morning and the dull ache in his chest is more painful than the any of the bruises that mark his skin. 

***

He can't do it again the next day, so he texts Anna and Gabe to come over immediately, and by nine o'clock, there's a loud knock at the door before it clicks open and in pops bright red hair. Castiel smiles. He actually smiles. It's more out of relief than anything but still. He fucking smiles.

Anna and Gabe's faces don't mirror his own. "Shit, Cas. Who did this to you?" Anna says, racing over to cradle Castiel's face in his hands.

"Alastair," Gabe seethes. "That fifty rotten scumbag. I swear, I will -"

"It wasn't Alastair," Castiel interrupts, pushing himself up into a sitting position. Anna and Gabe's eyes widen. "It was De -"

"He what!" Anna shouts, probably waking up the rest of the building as Gabe's mouth drops open.

"No, it wasn't Dean." Anna and Gabe both let out a breath of relief. "It was his father."

"His father hit you? What?" Anna looks back over to Gabe to see he's just as confused as she is. Oh. Castiel never told them about Dean's father. Castiel sighs. 

"Dean has an abusive and incredibly homophobic father." It's interesting to watch the different emotions flicker over their faces. More confusion, sympathy, understanding. Anna speaks first.

"Wow. That explains a lot. I mean, with the whole repressing his sexuality." She pauses. "Wow."

"Yeah," Castiel says, looking over to Gabe who looks like he's trying to put all the pieces together. Castiel takes a deep breath and plays with the corner of his sheet. "Dean also broke up with me, so."

Shock is the first thing that crosses their faces. Then more confused looks and finally, sympathetic ones. Surprisingly, there is no anger - or at least, if there is, it's not the main emotion. They don't understand either, Castiel thinks. They both look like the really want to press further but Anna eventually places hand over his and settles for, "I'm so sorry, Cas. Did you want to talk about it?"

Castiel shakes his head. "I just thought you guys could give me a distraction." He'll tell them one day. But not today. Not when everything's still so raw. 

"Of course. That's what friends are for, right?" Gabe winks and Castiel gives him a half hearted smile. "How 'bout I start with the party I went to last week." He whistles. "You should've seen what I walked into in one of those upstairs bedrooms. There were limbs everywhere, coming out in each and every direction including -"

"Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. When Castiel says he wants a distraction, I don't think he means he wants to be thinking about weird sex orgies that you stumbled into." Now Castiel genuinely smiles while Gabe just shrugs. 

"I thought it was a great story," he says, and Anna huffs.

"Alright, let's put on a movie before Gabe decides to tell us another 'great' story."

The bed is too small to fit three people across it and so they drag all of his sheets and blankets off his bed and lay them across the floor, the pillows coming next. It's still a tight fit - his room isn't exactly big - but they manage, his computer out in front of them, the curtains drawn so it's as dark as possible and the volume up as high as possible. It's already working. Castiel's already distracted.

During the first movie, Castiel's mind does drift to Dean every once in a while. Whether it's because there's a boring part or because something in the movie reminds him of Dean. But Anna and Gabe snug on either side of him remind him that's he's not supposed to be thinking about Dean today. They order pizza to be delivered outside of his dorm building halfway through the second movie - Anna drawing the short straw and having to go down to collect it.

It's three in the afternoon when they decide that's enough movies for one day - and also because their bodies are a bit sore from lying on the floor. Especially Castiel's but he doesn't want to bring up Alastair and his other bruises right this second and ruin the mood. 

"Did you want to come over for dinner tonight?" Anna asks, stretching her back out. 

"If you don't mind," Castiel responds, feeling bad as they've already wasted three quarters of their day trying to make him feel better.

When Anna whacks him on the shoulder and retorts with, "Don't be ridiculous. Of course I don't mind. In fact, I would much rather spend a night with my best friend than eat alone." Castiel then comes to the conclusion that he is in fact being ridiculous and shouldn't feel bad at all. He knows he would do the same for Anna and Gabe.

"I thought I was your best friend," Gabe chimes in. Anna rolls her eyes. 

After they finally leave, Castiel spends the next couple of hours showering, getting changed, making his bed and sitting at his desk staring blankly at one of his textbooks. Apparently that's enough to pass the time because soon enough it's night and he's heading over to Anna's. It's a good night. Anna cooks for the three of them and they sit on her balcony, chatting about anything and everything. Well, not anything to do with Castiel's life at the moment but everything else.

Castiel actually feels tired by the time he gets back to his dorm even though he didn't do much at all. More than yesterday, he thinks. He grabs his glasses and puts them on because if anything can make him fall asleep, it's reading. And with everything that has been going on lately he hasn't been able to read all that much. Only a few pages here and there. 

He grabs his book from his top bedside drawer. Big mistake. It seems like everything that he did today was all for nothing because the bookmark Dean gave him for Christmas is hanging out the bottom of the book. All he has to do is put it down but he can't. It's staring him right in the face and he can't help but grab it and turn it to brush his thumb over the jagged inscription. How could he forget it?

_I'm yours._

Not anymore, apparently. 

He doesn't end up reading any of his book. Instead, every emotions floods back, hitting him at full force. The dull ache in his chest surfaces again.

It's a lovely Wednesday night. Castiel still cries himself to sleep.

***

He doesn't know why he does it. Okay, that's not true. He does know why. It's because he still loves him. And he misses him more than anything - those are facts not secrets. But he doesn't know why he does it when he knows nothing is going to come out of it. It might even make things worse.

And if Anna and Gabe ever found out...they'd probably think he's crazy. But when he sees the lights on over the football field on a Monday night, his feet carry him in that direction. He decides to go all the way over to the other end of the field. He's not exactly worried about Alastair anymore. But just in case, he heads to the opposite end. 

Dean might not even be at training anyway. He might not see him. Castiel hasn't seen him since that night. And staring at a photo isn't enough. Staring at him from fifty metres away probably won't do much for him either but it's more than a stupid photo. A stupid photo he still hasn't thrown away like a logical person would do after the person in the photo broke your heart.

Castiel's week since the break up has been all middles and downs. No ups. If he could call anything an up it would be when he's with Anna and Gabe but they have lives. They can't be with him all the time. He's getting better at falling asleep, at least. Even though he feels like a fucking lifeless vessel nearly every second of the day. That counts for something, right?

Shouting and laughing finds his ears and he immediately searches for Dean's voice. He can't find it. Not yet. God, he hopes this isn't a huge waste of his time. He rounds the corner of the grandstand, the players finally coming into view. They've been called over to the sidelines, Rufus yelling a few things at them. Castiel can't identify anyone in the group.

He sits down on the grass, getting himself comfortable and waits patiently for Rufus to finish. It doesn't take long, although it feels like it because Castiel is itching to see if Dean is even here. Finally, Rufus claps his hand and shouts to, "Get back on the field and play like professionals!" And the players are running back into their positions. The players with bibs are on the opposite side, facing Castiel, the players with no bibs are on Castiel's side, facing the opposite end of the field. 

And there he is. His back is to Castiel but it's not hard to identify him, even with his helmet on. Deep breath in. Deep breath out. 

Rufus blows a whistle and the first play through starts. Dean catches the ball and raises his arm up to throw. One, two, three seconds - Castiel cringes as he's tackled to the ground. It wasn't exactly gentle. Rufus yells some more and Dean's pulled up by whoever tackled him. They reset. Whistle. Dean catches the ball and raises his arm, only waiting a second before throwing it. It misses whoever he's aiming for. 

Yelling. Reset. Whistle. Dean fumbles the ball. Yelling. Reset. Whistle. Dean's tackled to the ground by not one but two players. He lands with a crash and Castiel's first instinct is to get up and run over to see if he's okay. Then he comes back to himself and instead sits there, worry filling his gut as Dean doesn't get up. 

Rufus walks over and Dean - much to Castiel's relief - pushes himself into a sitting position. 

"What's wrong with you, boy?" Dean mumbles something that Castiel can't hear. "Well, it sure looks like it. You miss training all of last week. Don't show up to the game all because of some mysterious illness and then you show up playing like _this_. I know a six year old who can do better than you're doing right now!"

It doesn't look like Dean responds - and if he does Castiel doesn't hear - but he pushes himself to his feet and starts to walk off the field, unclipping his helmet as he goes. "Where do you think you're going!" Rufus calls after him. Dean pulls his helmet off and lets it drop to the ground on the sideline as he keeps going all the way into the stadium. 

Rufus throws his hands out to the side and looks around to the other players who watch on in confusion, as though one of them might have an answer. "Coach!" Benny jogs towards Rufus, pulling his helmet off too. "Let me go talk to him. I'll see what's going on."

Rufus says something to him that Castiel doesn't quite catch, his mind too focused on what just happened, and waves his hand dismissively before Benny's running off to the change rooms. The other players all look at one another wondering what the hell's going on. Castiel sits for a little longer, watching as two other players from the sidelines take Dean's and Benny's position and in a minute or so they're playing again. The only difference is Rufus seems a lot quieter than before. 

That's enough. Castiel gets up, dusting off his jeans and walks around the side of the stadium, ducking back into the shadows when Dean walks out. He's alone. Benny must have already finished whatever conversation he had with him. Dean makes his way over to his car, one of the few in the parking lot and throws his bag inside before getting in the driver's seat. He doesn't leave straight away though. He sits there staring at the steering wheel in front of him. 

Then he hits it and hits it and hits it. He sits back and wipes his face. Castiel can't see any of the details from so far way but it's pretty easy to guess that he's crying. And there it is again. That instinct to run to Dean and make sure he's okay. But he's not welcome to do that anymore. So he stays in the dark. 

Dean sits there for another minute or so and then he twists his body to reach over into the backseat, fishing around in his bag to pull out something - his phone. Dean stares at that for another minute, before typing in something and lifting it to his ear.

Castiel jumps when he feels the vibration in his pocket. He pulls it out, already knowing who it's from.

'Fucking Asshole is calling' lights up the screen. In the span of three seconds an internal war wages inside of him for whether or not he should answer it. Castiel clears his throat. The first thing he should be saying is 'fuck you' or 'what do you want', 'why are you calling', 'never call me again'. The list goes on. The only thing that falls out is a soft, "Dean?"

Castiel watches him in the car. Dean's mouth opens and closes twice before he gives up. He lifts a hand to wipe at his eyes again. Castiel doesn't know what he wants to even get out of this but he tries again. "Dean?"

A hitch of breath can be heard over the line as though a sob is about to be ripped out of Dean but Castiel doesn't hear it because the line goes dead a moment later. Tears fill his own eyes and he squeezes them shut before any can fall. Opening them back up, he watches as Dean throws his phone carelessly into the backseat before hitting the wheel once more.

Apparently that's it for Dean now, for he turns the car on and takes off, leaving Castiel standing alone in the dark.

It's a long trek back to his dorm and it's an even longer night.

Castiel wakes to a text from Dean the next morning.

_**Fucking Asshole** _

_**I must've pocket dialled you. I'm sorry if it made you upset. I promise it won't happen again.**_

 ***

Not seeing Dean for the whole first week must have added up because it's only two days after seeing him at football training when Castiel sees Dean again. He's heading to the library in the afternoon to study - he's found out recently that being in his room is the least productive environment - and he looks up to see Dean standing outside it looking at one of the cork boards that people pin flyers on.

Castiel stops in his tracks. He's far enough away and there's far too many people around for Dean to see him but he feels his heart beat quicken at the thought of it. Dean's looking at the flyer in the bottom right hand corner of the board. It's one of the one's with the tear off tabs. Castiel's never really looked to much at the board. He probably should. It probably has some good services or resources on it. 

Castiel takes the time to take in what he can of Dean. He's closer to him than he was on Monday night. He's clutching the straps of his backpack - something that makes him look younger than he is - and he's so focused on the flyer in front of him, he almost looks like he's lost in his own world. Suddenly, Dean turns his head and Castiel panics for a second that he's going to be seen but then Dean turns his head the other way, almost as if he's sweeping the area to see if anyone is looking. When he faces the billboard again, he grabs one of the small tabs and tears it off. Castiel waits until Dean's out of sight before walking over to the board.

The flyer is promoting a new psychologist who just set up not far off campus and has supposedly much cheaper prices compared to some of the other psychologists in town. Castiel feels a pang of sadness in his chest and looks towards the direction in which Dean disappeared. 

Aren't people supposed to feel good when they find out the person who broke their heart is just as miserable as they are?

Castiel sweeps his eyes over the rest of the board and finds another flyer with tear off tabs at the bottom that is apparently raising funds for those affected by domestic violence. Castiel doesn't even think about it.

He tears off a tab and heads into the library.

***

It's only been ten days since Dean broke up with him. Ten days. It feels like months. He'd lied to Anna and Gabe when he said he was over Dean. He's not too sure if they believed him anyway. But it was enough incentive for them to drag him out on a Thursday night to a party held at one of the fraternity houses. Castiel wasn't exactly excited about the idea - and he would've been even less excited if he still had a bruise plastered on his face but luckily it's nearly gone now. However, Anna and Gabe were excited so he went along with it. 

"C'mon, just one more," Anna pleads, tugging at his arm. Castiel shakes his head.

"I've already danced with you twice, Anna. I'll wait for you here," Castiel says, as Anna turns on her puppy dog eyes.

After a few seconds, to no avail, Anna finally grumbles, "Fine. I'll go by myself." And with that, slightly tipsy, she wanders off to the dance floor. Castiel slumps against the wall. It probably wasn't the best idea to begin with. Castiel _did_ first have sex with Dean at a party exactly like this. And that's what started everything with him. Gabe's still off dancing and hasn't been back since. Castiel feels like he wants to recede back into the walls. He's never really fit in. 

He doesn't know what to do with himself. So instead of looking like a loner in the corner, he pulls out his phone and pretends like he's doing something. It turns out he doesn't need to pretend for long. Because a familiar face is waltzing over. 

"Hey, Cas!" Victor shouts above the noise. Castiel gives him a small smile. Victor pushes past a couple of people to get to him, slapping him on the shoulder as he does. "How are you, man?" 

"Uh, alright. How about you?" 

"Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. I just wanted to ask, have you seen Dean the past couple of days?" Castiel sighs. He doesn't want to talk about it.

So he settles for a, "No, I haven't." Victor's eyebrows pull together. 

"Has he texted you or anything?" 

"No." 

"Really?" Castiel nods. Victor looks around the room before setting his eyes back on Castiel. "Yeah, well none of us have seen him lately either and we're getting kinda worried." Castiel doesn't know if he should just blurt it out. "I mean, he's been acting kinda weird lately. Like you know how he quit the team and all -" Castiel's eyes widen and suddenly he can feel himself actually paying attention to the conversation.

"He quit the team?" Is that what happened the night Castiel saw him? He walked off and just quit? Why would he do that? Victor narrows his eyes.

"Yeah. What, he didn't tell you?" Victor asks, and Castiel takes a deep breath, averting his eyes to the floor.

"Dean and I broke up." Victor opens his mouth to speak but pauses, his face twisting from surprised to confused in a matter of moments. Everyone reacts the same apparently.

"Oh, shit." Another pause. "Really?"

"Yep," Castiel responds immediately. 

"Why?" he blurts out and Castiel shrugs.

"Ask him."

"He broke up with you?" Victor asks, incredulously. Castiel doesn't understand why it's so hard to believe. He swallows down the lump in his throat and nods. "But why would he do that?"

"Why are you so surprised?" Castiel shoots back, and he's starting to get a little irritated. He was supposed to come out tonight to be distracted. 

Victor looks at him like it's the most obvious thing in the world. "Well, you know, he really fucked loved you." Castiel grits his teeth. There's that word again.

"Right," is all Castiel can get out and Victor finally seems to notice.

"Shit, I'm so sorry. You probably don't really want to talk about it," he says, looking a bit guilty. Castiel sighs.

"No, it's fine. Really," Castiel replies, offering Victor a small smile. Shouldn't he be used to talking about this by now?

"Alright. Well, I guess I'll see you around." Castiel nods and Victor's strolling back off into the crowd of people. 

Castiel can feel a headache coming on. The music's too loud and it's starting to feel stuffy in here. Why did he let himself be dragged along? He checks his phone again. Anna still hasn't come out of the dance floor yet and he most definitely can't see her in there. Castiel runs a hand through his hair and looks towards the stairs that lead upstairs. There's a boy sitting in the corner, a girl in his lap. His hands are in her hair and behind them two people are coming down the stairs, hand in hand, hair going in each and every direction.

Castiel swears under his breath before pushing off the wall and making his way out of the room. He finds the front door easy enough and nearly runs through it. The fresh air is a relief. There's only a few people in the front yard but they don't pay him any attention. He walks down to the small steps leading down to the path and sits. He rests his head in his hands. 

Perfect. Just what he needed tonight.

He sits for a while, eyes closed and thoughts running wild until he realises he should probably let Anna know where he disappeared off to. He sends her a text and a few minutes later, Castiel can hear the sounds of heels hitting the pavement behind him. 

"Cas?" Castiel looks up to meet her eyes. "Hey, what's wrong?" she asks, steadying herself before sitting down next to him. 

"Nothing's wrong. I'm fine," Castiel responds, but it's clear that Anna doesn't believe him one bit. "I just - I think I might go home." 

"Do you want me to come with you? I can go get Gabe?" Castiel shakes his head. He just wants to be alone.

"No, it's fine. I don't want to ruin your night." 

"You wouldn't be ruining our night," she responds, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Castiel melts against her.

"Yeah, I know. But I'll probably just go to bed anyway. There'd be no point in either of you coming." He can see that she wants to retort but holds herself back before nodding.

"Okay, then." Castiel gives her a grateful smile. She understands that he wants to be alone. He stands, helping her back to her feet. "Go have some more fun." Anna laughs.

"You know me." She winks and then she's attempting to run back before she gets too cold. She looks back just before she heads inside and waves. When she's out of sight, the smile on Castiel's face falls away.

On the way back to his dorm, there is no Alastair waiting for him in the dark. No Brady or Bartholomew. He makes it to his dorm without any extra cuts or bruises. He's fine. 

At least, that's what he tells himself.

Ten days.

***

It's Saturday night. And more importantly, the night before Valentine's day. Castiel's never really cared for the day before. In fact, it was only ever an excuse for Gabe to buy heaps of chocolate for all of them to share. Other than that, it was just another day.

But not this year. Castiel wonders what it would've been like with Dean. Would they have gone out together or spent the night in? Would they have spent the whole day together or only the night? It is on a Sunday after all. They'd have the whole day to themselves. What would Castiel have bought for Dean? Castiel smiles when he thinks of Dean in boxer briefs with hearts littered all over them. Then he remembers. And his smile falls, the happy feeling in his chest replaced with that same dull ache. 

It's only nine at night but Castiel's already sick of being awake. He places his glasses and his book on the bedside table, his paper bookmark sticking out the top, and turns off the light. He shuffles around to get comfortable but can't seem to find a position. An insistent knock at the door startles him and Castiel internally groans. Anna. She came over this morning. Probably left something here.

Castiel throws the sheets back and pushes himself up from the bed to walk over to the door. Castiel's only opened it a fraction when he feels a whimper pulled from his lips. 

Dean. Castiel clings to the door as though if he doesn't, he won't be able to hold himself up. Dean looks at him with sad eyes. Sad eyes with dark circles underneath. His clothes are rumpled, creases everywhere. So unlike Dean.

Castiel rests his head against the side of the door and swallows again and again. "Please tell me you're here to come back," Castiel whispers, unable to keep the desperation out of his voice. Dean looks to the floor, digging his hand in his pocket to pull something out.

"I - uh - just wanted to give this back." Dean holds the key out in front of him.

"Keep it."

"Cas -"

"I made it for you." It comes out choked up and Castiel has to blink back the tears that fill his eyes.

"I can't have this," Dean says, and he sounds desperate too. Castiel doesn't respond, averting his eyes to the floor. Dean withdraws his hand when he realises Castiel isn't going to take it. He runs a hand over his face. "Are you okay?"

A strangled laugh is pulled from Castiel's lips. "Yeah, I'm doing great."

"I'm being serious." 

"What do you fucking think?" Castiel retorts, meeting Dean's eyes again. Tired eyes. Dean looks down at the key in his hand before taking a step forward in Castiel's personal space. Castiel's heart speeds up. But he just throws the key gently onto Castiel's dorm's floor through the gap at Castiel's side. 

"I'm sorry," Dean says, and then he's turning to leave. Castiel's hand shoots out to grab a hold of Dean's wrist. 

"Dean, please. Just come inside for one second." Dean tugs at his wrist but Castiel keeps his grip firm.

"Cas -"

"At least talk to me," Castiel says, and he's begging now. He needs this. "Please." 

"I can't." Castiel's bottom lip trembles. Dean can't just come all the way over here and not talk to him. He has to.

"Then why did you come here?" Dean shrugs, pointing a hand toward Castiel's dorm.

"To give the key back."

"Yeah but you didn't have to come and knock. You could've slipped it under my door or had someone else give it to me," Castiel says, and he's visibly frustrated now. Dean can't do this to him. Dean swallows and looks back towards the hallway. "Please just talk to me."

Dean seems to cave, stepping forward to push past Castiel into his dorm. It's only then that Castiel notices he still has his hand latched onto Dean's arm. It takes a lot of effort to pull it away. Castiel closes the door and stares at it for a moment. Deep breath. He turns. Dean stands in the middle of the room, his eyes trained on the bedside table. On the face down photo frame. He looks away.

"What do you want to talk about?" Dean asks, his voice still empty. Castiel clenches his jaw.

"You know what I want to talk about." Dean sighs, throwing his hands out half heartedly as he meets Castiel's eye.

"I don't know what you want me to say." 

"How about you start with why," Castiel responds taking a hesitant step forward.

"You wouldn't understand," Dean says, and there's no anger like Castiel would usually expect. Only exhaustion. 

"Just try. Please." Dean looks at him as if it's the last thing he wants to do. But he sighs again and turns to slump down in Castiel's desk chair. He rests his elbows and his knees and his head in his hands. Castiel waits. 

It comes out as a whisper. "What if I wasn't there?"

"What?" Castiel takes another step forward. Dean still doesn't look up. He can hear the shuddering breath Dean lets out.

"What if he got to you downstairs and I couldn't hear you when you called out?" Castiel swallows. "What if I couldn't get to you in time? What if he hit you so hard you knocked your fucking head against the pavement?" Dean pauses and Castiel's chest feels like it's caving in. He thinks he knows where this is going. He thinks he understands. Dean's voice is strangled when he says, "Seeing you there... _fuck_ , I know him, Cas." Dean finally lifts his head, green eyes meeting blue. "And I know I'm being a fucking hypocrite because I never tried to stop Alastair before but this is different. He can get so bad when he drinks. And when he does he's not out to humiliate someone, he's out to..." Castiel only gets a glimpse of the pain in Dean's eyes before the fall to the floor. "He's nearly fucking killed me before or put me in the fucking hospital. And I can't stop having these fucking nightmares about it, about..." Tears well up behind Castiel's eyes when Dean looks up again. It's too much to take in all at once. "What if that happened to you? That would be because of me."

Castiel takes a final step closer. "Dean -"

"Don't." Dean's voice wavers. "Don't. I can't do it anymore. I've hurt you so much already. This'll be the last time I ever hurt you. It'll be worth it in the end, Cas, I promise."

"No," Castiel says, a burst of rage bubbling up to the surface. All of this - all of this is because of Dean's father. He's tearing them apart and now Dean thinks this is the only way he can protect him. "I won't let him do this to you, Dean. To us. What he did - he's not your fault." Dean shakes his head.

"But what if he hurt you real bad? What if I couldn't protect you? The only thing I can do is get you as far away from me as possible."

Castiel kneels down in front of Dean, ducking his head to find Dean's eyes. "How can you say that? None of it, Dean, _none of it_ was your fault."

"It is," Dean insists. "And I should've broken up with you a long time ago." Castiel shakes his head and he tries to respond but the words get stuck in his throat. "When he first found out about us. I mean, I thought about it but I was fucking selfish and I thought I could keep you. And now," Dean throws his hands up helplessly. "Fuck, I wish I never met you."

"Don't say that," Castiel says, and it comes out as a plea. "Don't say that." 

"It's true," Dean says, honest eyes turning on him.

"No, it's not." 

"Yes, it is. If we never met, I never would've hurt you." Dean pauses. "He never would've hurt you." 

Castiel can barely think with the amount of pain in his chest and the only thing that tumbles out of his lips is, "You're hurting me now." Tears begin to fall and Dean is kneeling down in front of Castiel now and he looks as though he's going to reach for Castiel's face but he pulls himself short. 

"I know, Cas. I know but it's gonna be worth it. I promise. This'll be the last time I hurt you."

"No," Castiel pleads, shaking his head. "Please just come back to me. Please don't leave again." 

"I have to," Dean says, and he looks like he really believes it. 

"No, you don't. We - we can work this out just like we always do. We can call your family. They can help deal with him, I know they can. You don't have to fight him by yourself, Dean." Something like shame passes over Dean's face and he looks away, slumping back on his heels. 

"You know, it wasn't too long ago when I told youthat if I ever hurt you again I would leave and I would never come back _._ I _promised_ I wouldn't hurt you again." Dean's words are softer this time and it almost sounds like he's talking to himself more than anyone. And Castiel remembers. He does. But this time wasn't Dean's fault.

Castiel leans forward and he wants so badly to reach out for Dean but doesn't want to be rejected. So he just says, "And you won't."

Dean shakes his head, running a hand over his face. "How do you know that?" Castiel's chest aches. How can Dean think so little of himself?

"Because I do. And if there are days when he keeps getting the best of you, then we can even get some help. We'll do it together. Like always." Dean huffs dejectedly. Castiel searches for something in his eyes but all there is is that bone heavy exhaustion. Just when he thought he was getting somewhere. "What?"

Dean shrugs. "Maybe I'm just not worth it." And he says it so nonchalantly that Castiel nearly starts crying again.

"That's not true," Castiel's throat is clogged with tears and this time he does reach for Dean. He takes one of Dean's hands on both of his and squeezes it tight. Dean stares at it and his face crumples slightly before he tugs it away. Castiel lets it go, swallowing down his tears. 

"Maybe it is true. Maybe you just haven't realised it yet."

"Dean -"

"I'm so tired, Cas." He looks up and he looks so hopeless. "I'm so fucking tired. Of being a failure and a fuck up. Of hurting you. I just want it to stop," Dean's voice trembles and he screws his face up as though he's trying to hold back his emotions but it's not entirely working. "And if I go back to you, all I'll be able to think about is how long until I hurt you again. And what if I do? I couldn't - fuck." Dean's last words seem painful to get out and his eyes have welled up with tears. 

"Stop. This isn't you. This is him. He did this to you." Dean looks like he's going to retort but Castiel cuts him off before he can. "It's true. What if he never turned out this way. What if he cared about you and loved you and was a fucking good parent." Castiel reaches for Dean's hand again and when Dean tugs it away, Castiel squeezes it tight and doesn't let go. "Maybe you would've talked to me properly in high school." Dean swallows. "Maybe you would've asked me out on a proper date." Dean closes his eyes and the tears finally fall. Castiel feels his own tears coming back again. "Maybe you wouldn't have hated me for making you feel something that made your father hate you." A sob falls from Dean's lips and his hands squeezes Castiel's. "None of this would've happened."

Dean shakes his head and brings his free hand up to wipe at his eyes. "But it did happen," Dean whispers, and Castiel hopes. Dean's resolve is starting to break. He can hear it in his voice. "I did hate you. And I did hurt you." His eyes are pained and Castiel reaches out with his other hand to cradle Dean's face. 

"And then you made up for it. And you made me so happy. Why can't you see that?" A sob spills from Dean and he leans into Castiel's hand. "You made  _me_ feel like I was worth something. I want to do the same for you." 

Dean's breath hitches, his eyes meeting Castiel's. And then, "I love you." Castiel tries to blink back tears but he can't stop them. He opens his mouth and closes it again. Dean's eyes stay watching him, guilt written all over his face. Castiel breathes in and out a deep shuddering breath.

"Then listen to me when I say we can do this. We can deal with him. All of us. And after that, we'll be okay. I promise." Dean stares for a few seconds and Castiel feels his chest clench tight with dread. But then Dean nods and he leans forward and finally crashes into Castiel. Castiel wraps his arms tight around him, burying his face in Dean's hair. 

"I love you," Dean says, again and Castiel's finally lets himself cry freely. All of it was real. "I love you so much. So much," Dean babbles, and Castiel can feel wetness on his neck and shoulder. "You're the best thing - best thing that ever happened to me. Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. I know, I know. It's okay," Castiel whispers back. There's still that dull ache in his chest and he's not sure it will go away until Dean's father is sorted. Because Dean's still so broken. And hurts more than anything to see Dean like this. To hear him talk the way he did. But now there is relief spreading through every part of his chest because Dean loves him. He does. And all of his doubts have finally washed away.

They hold on to each other for a very long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took a bit longer! Also noticed I added the tag 'Heavy Angst' after last week. I think this fic deserves that tag :/ XD
> 
> Only TWO chapters to go! I hope you liked this chapter and I hope you all have a great week! Love you all <3<3<3
> 
> [MY TUMBLR](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/)


	25. Chapter 25

Dean's already awake when Castiel opens his eyes. It didn't take much convincing for Dean to stay overnight. They didn't say much as they hopped into bed but they did hold each other close, Castiel's head buried in Dean's chest and Dean's head resting atop Castiel's. That said enough.

Now Castiel lies on his stomach and his eyes open to the sight of Dean lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. Castiel pushes himself onto his side, alerting Dean that he's awake. "Are you okay?" Castiel asks, resting his hand on Dean's arm. 

Dean takes a deep breath and he looks like he's about to say something but instead settles for shaking his head. Castiel takes a deep breath of his own. "You're not regretting this are you?"

Dean turns his body immediately to face Castiel. "No, of course not. That's not - shit, Cas, I'm sorry."

"No, don't be sorry. I just..." Castiel cuts himself off. "Do you want to talk about it?" Dean looks down and reaches out to play with the creases in Castiel's shirt - not ever pressing far enough to touch Castiel's body. He's still afraid of hurting Castiel. Castiel feels a pang of sadness in his chest.

Dean swallows before speaking his eyes still firmly placed on Castiel's shirt. "I was thinking I should drive to Kansas today." Castiel takes a moment before nodding. 

"That's good." A good start. "Do you want me to come with you?" Dean shakes his head, eyes peeking up to catch Castiel's.

"No, it's okay. You should stay here."

"Are you sure?" 

"Yeah. Maybe you can come down if we're able to deal with...you know." Castiel frowns. Not because he doesn't want Castiel to come. While Castiel just wants to be with Dean right now, he understands why Dean wouldn't want him to be there when they deal with John. But Dean can barely even say his father's name. Castiel runs his fingers back and forth through Dean's hair and Dean's eyes flutter, some of the tension in his body draining away.

"Okay. If that's what you want," Castiel says, and Dean nods. Castiel already knows the answer but he asks anyway. "So what's bothering you?"  

"I'm scared," Dean breathes out and his fingers go back to playing with Castiel's shirt.

"It's okay to be scared, you know." Dean's eyes slip closed.

"I know. But I've never hit him before. What if that makes him worse?" Castiel's mind does a little flip. Dean's never hit his father before. Before...he attacked Castiel. He did if _for_ Castiel. Dean's never done it when he himself was in danger but when Castiel was... The things Dean sacrifices for Castiel. He never really thought about that night. It was completely overshadowed by what happened the next morning. But now he knows. And one day when this is all over, he'll thank Dean for it because he's pretty sure that now is not the most appropriate time. 

"Your family will be with you. Always. You don't have to fight him by yourself."

"And what if we can't fix anything?" Castiel offers him the smallest of smiles.

"Then I'll still be here. Waiting for you to come back home safely." 'Home' slips out naturally and Castiel only realises once it's out of his mouth. He doesn't mean his dorm, even though this has been his home for a little while, nor does he mean Dean's apartment. Just wherever he is - that's home - and from the look in Dean's eyes, he knows that's what Castiel meant too. 

Dean shuffles over the tiniest bit closer and as if only just allowing himself, he rests a gentle hand on Castiel's cheek. "I love you, you know," Dean says, and Castiel's words get caught in his throat. He nods instead. Dean leans in and their foreheads touch. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. God knows you deserved it." Dean pauses, his lips twisting. Castiel waits. "I just - I was scared that I'd tell you how I feel and then you'd see who I really was - a failure and a fuck up - and then you would leave me. I didn't want to be..."

"Vulnerable," Castiel guesses, and Dean nods, not meeting Castiel's eyes. Castiel lifts Dean's chin with his fingers. There's shame there. Shame and guilt and pain and Castiel wishes it would all stop. He wishes it could be replaced with joy. He shakes his head. "I do see you, Dean. I see who you really are. And you're smart and kind and beautiful. Not a failure or a fuck up." The look in Dean's eyes shift. "And I'm glad you know now that I'm not leaving you. Because maybe you'll finally believe that I love you for who you are."

Dean sniffs, flicking his eyes away again but his hand moves from Castiel's cheek to his neck and he pulls Castiel's body closer until their chests touch. Castiel smiles and nudges Dean's nose with his own. There's the tiniest little huff of laughter that falls from Dean's lips and Castiel's heart swells.

"I'm glad too," Dean whispers, their lips brushing against each other. Castiel's hand finds it's own way to the back of Dean's head to brush up and down through his hair. 

"When are you going to leave?" Castiel asks, and suddenly his smile turns into a frown. He doesn't want Dean to go.

"Probably soon." Dean's eyes convey the same emotions - he doesn't want to leave either. But Castiel knows he has to.

"Just lie here a little longer," Castiel says, his body relaxing when Dean nods.

"Okay."

It's another thirty minutes or so before Dean finally climbs out of bed and pulls his clothes on. Castiel sits up and watches silently. Dean dresses slowly and part of Castiel wonders if he's doing it on purpose. But soon he's ready and Castiel swallows, attempting to smile for Dean. Dean kneels down in front of Castiel and brushes a stray hair out of his face.

"I'll call you when I get there," he says, and Castiel nods. 

"Call me whenever you need. Even if it's the middle of the night, I don't care." Dean runs a hand through Castiel's hair and Castiel takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. _Dean will be okay. He's in good hands._ "Promise me."

"I promise." Dean goes to stand up and Castiel's hand quickly darts out to pull him back. 

"Wait. Dean, I just - I need to apologise," Castiel says, and Dean's eyebrows pull together.

"For what?" he asks, incredulous. 

"There were some things I said to you." Understanding washes over Dean's face. He remembers. "Things that I regret." 

"Cas, it's okay, really."

"No, it's _not_." Dean's mouth falls shut. "I want you to know that I only ever said those things to hurt you and I didn't mean them at all. I was only thinking about myself and how much I was hurting and I didn't take a second to think about you and how much you were hurting and then I had to go and make you hurt even more and I - I just...I'm sorry." Dean bites his lip, looking down at the floor. Castiel swallows down the emotion that threatens to rise. He's had enough of that for a lifetime.

Dean's eyes are fond when they meet his again. "I forgive you." 

Castiel huffs. "You can't just forgive me that quickly." Dean chuckles and the sound is music to Castiel's ears. He never thought he'd hear that again.

"Fine. I'll wait until tomorrow and then I'll forgive you," Dean responds, a smile pulling at his lips. The sight makes Castiel smile too. 

"I guess that will work," he says, voice soft and eyes softer as he looks at Dean. It's not the happiest day of his life. Far from it. But somehow in this moment Castiel feels more in love than he ever has before. There's bags under Dean's eyes and he still looks incredibly tired and broken but his smile reaches his eyes and the rush of warmth in his chest is overwhelming.

Dean crushes him in a hug, Castiel burying his face in Dean's neck, fingers clutching tight onto Dean's jacket.

The door clicks softly closed behind Dean when he leaves and finally, Castiel is alone. All alone again. He gets up slowly. He showers and gets dressed for the day. He doesn't think about Dean. Because he knows that if he does, the more he'll feel the distance between them. 

He shoves a few things in his backpack and pulls it on. Dean's key lies on the floor of the room where Dean had thrown it last night. Castiel picks it up and places it on his desk. He'll give it to Dean when he comes back. He walks over to his bedside table to grab his glasses. He slips them on and stares at the table. The photo frame lies face down. 

Castiel picks it up and stares down at the smiling faces. It sits upright on the table, staring after him as he walks out the door.

***

"Did you make it okay?" 

"Yeah, I'm here," Dean responds, and Castiel sighs, relaxing back into his seat. He's eating lunch by himself at a cafe on campus. He'd successfully attended a lecture and somehow had been able to listen to everything but as soon as he got out, he needed a break. And he needed to hear Dean's voice. "I'm about to go inside." Castiel hears Dean take a few deep breaths. 

"You'll be okay. Your family loves you," Castiel reassures. God, how he wishes he could be there by Dean's side. 

"I know, I know. I just feel so..." Dean trails off and Castiel waits patiently for a response. Dean clears his throat. "I'm gonna go in now." He pauses again and Castiel frowns. "Wish me luck."

"You don't have to feel ashamed, Dean. Or embarrassed or whatever it is you're feeling right now," Castiel responds. 

"Yeah," Dean breathes out. He sounds dejected. Hopeless. 

"Everything's going to be okay. I promise," Castiel says, hope in his own voice. Hope that Dean will believe him.

Dean swears under his breath. "Sam's spotted me outside. I have to go. I'll call you later, okay?" 

"Okay." The phone beeps a moment later and Castiel slumps back in his chair. It's not the best he could've hoped for. But now Dean is with his family. And that's a good start. 

A good start, Castiel thinks and this time he's trying to reassure himself.

***

"Dean?" Castiel asks, voice raspy from sleep as he scrambles to turn the light on. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm..." Dean's voice is quiet on the other side of the line. Flicking on the light, however, reveals that it _is_ two in the morning. "You said to call you whenever, you know, and I couldn't sleep so..."

Castiel pushes himself onto his side to get into a more comfortable position. "That's okay. You can always call me. Or text me. Whatever you want or - ah - need." He can hear breathy laughter over the phone. Castiel smiles. "What?"

"Nothing," Dean says, but Castiel can practically feel the smile on the other end. "You can do the same with me too if you want to. Call or text. Or whatever." Castiel huffs a laugh.

"I will." A beat.

"I miss you." Castiel's first instinct is to smile but instead his chest aches and his lips only begin to pull up before being stopped short. Castiel buries himself deeper under his blankets.

"I miss you too," Castiel whispers back. Another pause. Dean had called earlier to tell him that John is in Kansas and Bobby and Ellen are going to meet him tomorrow. It's a success in Castiel's eyes, especially since it's only Tuesday night - well, Wednesday morning now - and Dean left for Kansas on Sunday. But he understands that Dean might not be feeling so ecstatic about it. And he assumes it's why Dean can't sleep. Castiel's also not sure what he can say in return that will help Dean but he has to at least offer it. "Do you want to talk about anything?" 

"No, this is fine." A smile is brought to Castiel's lips then. They're so close to this being over. He can feel it. 

Castiel falls asleep once again to the sound of Dean's breathing and the blankets wrapped tightly around him. It's almost as if Dean is there. Almost.

***

Castiel's in the middle of chatting to Anna and Gabe at lunch when Dean calls. "Shit, sorry, I have to take this," Castiel says, pushing himself up from the grass and walking a few metres away. Gabe and Anna shoot each other worried looks. "Dean?" 

"Hey, Cas. How're - uh -" Dean clears his throat. "How're you?" 

Castiel frowns. "I'm okay. What about you? Did everything go okay today?" 

"Yeah, everything's great." Dean's voice wavers slightly. "I just - uh - I'm outside. Had to get away from, you know, everyone." Dean clears his throat again. "What are you doing?"

"Dean, are you sure you're alright?" Castiel asks, and he's inwardly cursing himself. He should be down there with Dean. Bobby and Ellen were supposed to be meeting with John today. And he doesn't have to ask to know that it didn't go that well.

"Just - can you tell me about your day." There's that bone numbing exhaustion in his voice again. Castiel aches to be with him. 

"Um. Okay, yeah, I can do that. I had a class this morning. It was okay, I guess. Not too boring." Castiel starts, looking back over to see Anna and Gabe still staring at him. "And then I went to the library and did some study for a bit. And then I went down to that little bakery just off campus to buy some treats and then I met Anna and Gabe in the park for lunch. And now you've called."

"That sounds nice. How're Anna and Gabe? They hate me again?" Dean huffs out a strangled laugh.

"No, Dean. They don't hate you. I told them what happened, I hope that's okay."

"Yeah, it's okay."

"And they understand."

"Okay, great. That's great." Dean pauses and Castiel can practically hear his uneven breathing.

"Dean?"

"My hands." Dean pauses again. "They won't stop shaking. And I didn't even see him. Bobby and Ellen went to talk to him and I didn't even go but I still - they won't stop." Castiel swallows and takes a deep breath.

"That's okay. It's okay. Just take some deep br -"

"Fuck, I wish you were here," Dean says, and Castiel feels the ache in his chest grow.

"I can come down. I could find a bus this evening and I could be down by -"

"No, no, I - fuck, I shouldn't have said that." Castiel's heart sinks. "I don't want you to be here when we're still...dealing with him."

"Are you sure? Because you know I don't care."

"Yes, I'm sure. I - I have to go. I'll call you later." Castiel's taken aback by the abrupt end to this conversation but then he hear's someone in the background. 

"Okay." Castiel bites his lip. "I love you." A beat.

"I love you too. Bye, Cas." Castiel lets out a breath of relief. He clenches his jaw and squeezes his eyes shut. This is much harder than he thought. But Dean's okay so far. That's good. _And he still loves you_. 

"Is everything okay?" Castiel turns at Anna's voice and walks back over to where they're sitting. 

He sighs, sitting down on the grass. "For now. The being apart 'part' isn't going as well as I thought."

"I'm sure it'll all work out. It always does," Anna says, with a small smile. He hopes she's right.

***

He gets the call on Friday night. Dean's father, with much convincing from Bobby, Ellen and also Sam, apparently, has checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation centre. Dean still sounds tired over the phone but there's the tiniest hint of relief in his voice. It's enough for Castiel to smile. 

He's up at seven in the morning to get ready. He plans to be in Kansas by midday and he has to catch two buses to get there. He doesn't mind. It will give him time to just relax and not think for a little while. Because right now, everything is okay. 

Time passes rather quickly. And before Castiel knows it, they're in Kansas.

"Where are you?" Castiel asks, phone pressed to his ear as he hops off the bus and pulls the straps of his backpack over his shoulders. 

"On the corner across the street." Castiel walks around the front of the bus and sweeps his gaze over to find Dean.

"Where? Oh, I see you." Castiel smiles and hears Dean chuckle just before the call ends. Castiel tries his hardest not to run all the way there and make himself look like a fool. Although, when he's not too far away from Dean, he can't help it. He fastens his pace into a light jog, Dean leaning against the Impala, a smile on his face. Castiel doesn't stop when he gets there, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean's waist and burying his face in Dean's neck.

Dean huffs a laugh but reciprocates quickly enough, wrapping his arms tight around Castiel's shoulders. Castiel's breathes him in, the solid line of his body reassuring. He's finally here.

"I missed you too," Dean whispers, and Castiel finally returns the laugh, pulling away and looking up towards him. Dean smiles and Castiel can't seem to take his eyes away. A sound of a car horn going off brings them both back to the present. "I - uh - made some lunch for you back home."

Castiel turns fond eyes on Dean. "You didn't have to do that," he says, voice soft.

"Well, I had the time so it's no big deal," Dean responds, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. 

"Okay, then. Should we get going?"

"Uh, yeah, 'course."

The drive doesn't take too long. Castiel spends most of the time glancing at Dean and smiling out the window. Sometimes, Castiel catches Dean glancing at him too.

"Ellen and Bobby are at the - uh - centre and Sam and Jo are at school," Dean starts, as they walk up to the front door. "So, we have the place to ourselves for a few hours." Castiel nods, following Dean inside. He's relieved to hear that. He loves Dean's family, he does, but he needs some alone time with Dean right now. And he's far too tired to make small talk after those long bus rides. "How 'bout you go put your stuff away. I'll heat up lunch."

"Okay," Castiel says, offering Dean a small smile. Dean returns it before turning and heading into the kitchen. He doesn't bother unpacking - just dumps his bag in the room before heading back downstairs. Dean moves around the kitchen with his back turned and Castiel watches him for a moment without entering. He wonders what Dean's been doing by himself these past few days with Sam and Jo at school and Bobby and Ellen with John. He hopes it was something like this. Dean doing something that makes him content. Because right now, the thought of Dean all alone makes him anxious.

He walks the rest of the way into the living room and Dean turns with two plates in his hand. "Just in time." 

"Looks amazing," Castiel says, as they sit down at the table together. "Thank you."

"No problem," Dean responds, and there's the tiniest hint of a blush creeping up Dean's cheeks. Castiel smiles to himself before digging in. 

"So, how are you?" Castiel asks, looking up from his meal to see Dean already staring. Dean clears his throat, flicking his eyes away for a moment.

"Uh - okay, I guess." Castiel nods, swallowing down his food before speaking again.

"Do you feel better now that's he's...in rehab?" Dean looks down at his plate and a few moments pass where he doesn't say anything.

"A little, maybe. I mean, I'm kinda still waiting for him to show up at the front door and...you know." Castiel nods. "But yeah, I feel a little bit better."

"That's good." Dean shrugs. "I'm sure you'll feel better with time," Castiel tries to reassure and Dean gives him a grateful smile. He wishes there was more he could do.

Castiel gets back to digging into his lunch when he remembers something. "Can I ask you something?" 

Dean looks up from his plate, eyebrows pulled together. "Yeah?" 

"Why did you quit the football team?" 

"Oh. You heard about that?"

"Victor told me."

Dean's eyebrows raise and he leans forward on the table. "You talked to Victor?" 

"Yeah, at a party about a week ago," Castiel responds, watching as Dean's eyes go even wider. 

"Oh." Dean pauses, swirling some food around on his plate. "Did you have fun?"

Castiel shakes his head. "No, it was terrible. Everything reminded me of you," Castiel deadpans. Castiel expected some kind of reaction but it wasn't the small but beautiful smile that plastered Dean's face. Dean clears his throat and looks like he's trying to will his smile away.

"I'm sorry," he says, and Castiel huffs a laugh. He's not even sure why. But he does.

"No, it's okay. I don't really like parties much anyway. Anna and Gabe just thought it would be good for me to get out." Dean nods but doesn't reply, instead staring back at Castiel with an affectionate look in his eyes. Castiel stares back and hopes Dean can see the same in his own. "So...the football?"

Dean snaps out of his reverie, leaning back in his seat and flicking his eyes down to his plate. "Yeah, right. Um, well, I guess I wasn't really enjoying it as much as I used to. Actually, that's kind of an understatement. I hated it towards the end. It's not exactly fun to be yelled at nearly every day of your life or have a thousand people screaming at you whenever you fuck up." Dean looks strangely embarrassed. Castiel's not sure why he would be. He can barely stand anyone even looking at him. He can't imagine what it's like to have a thousand people screaming at him.

"Sounds very reasonable to me," Castiel says, and Dean looks up, confused.

"You don't think I'm..."

Castiel narrows his eyes. "You're what?"

Dean sighs and waves his hand around. "I don't know, throwing away an opportunity?" Castiel tilts his head.

"If it's making you miserable, then of course not." Dean nods. "Why? Have people been telling you you made the wrong decision?"

"Well, yeah, maybe some of the guys on the team and other people I've come across," Dean says, frowning. Castiel feels a pang in his chest.

"Well, fuck them. Your happiness is more important than some stupid ass football game that was only remotely interesting the time I watched it because you were playing." Dean bites his lip but Castiel can still see the smile he's trying to suppress.

He nods once and looks up, green eyes meeting blue. "Thanks, Cas," Dean replies, as sincerely as Castiel thinks possible.

"Ah - no problem." Castiel clears his throat and shuffles in his seat. He wonders if any of Dean's friends told him off for quitting. He really hopes not. Dean needs all the support he can get right now. "You were very good, though. You know, when I saw you play."

"It was probably because of my good luck charm," Dean says, shooting a smirk at Castiel. Castiel cocks his head.

"Well, I paid a lot for those boxers, so -"

"No, I meant you," Dean interrupts, shaking his head. Castiel blushes slightly. 

"Oh." Right. Castiel huffs when he thinks about the last time he saw Dean playing football. "Probably not the best luck charm, actually."

"What do you mean?" 

Castiel swallows. He was going to tell Dean eventually, so he guesses that now is as good a time as any. "I was there."

Dean raises an eyebrow. "There?"

"I was there the night you were at training...and quit." Castiel hesitates. "The night you called me." Dean leans backwards and looks slightly horrified.

"You saw that?" he asks, and appears to curl inward on himself.

"The quit part or the phone c-"

"The call," Dean says, and Castiel slowly nods. Dean slumps, his head resting in his hands.

"Shit, Cas. I'm sorry. I don't know why I did that. I didn't want to hurt you or anything -"

Castiel reaches over the table and grasps one of Dean's hands, pulling it away from his face. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I nearly did the same thing a few times."

Dean threads his fingers through Castiel's where their hands rest on the table. Castiel feels a rush of warmth. "Where were you?" His voice is softer now and he's clearly embarrassed again. 

"I was down the end of the field. And I went to leave and saw you walking to your car so I kinda just stood there and watched. Sounds kinda creepy when I say it out loud." Dean laughs and Castiel drinks in the sight as if he may never see it again. It hasn't actually been that long since the broke up but it certainly feels like it. "I also saw you outside the library once. It was after you quit football and you were looking at one of those cork boards."

Dean blushes and looks away. "You saw that?" he asks, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. Castiel nods. "Well, I - uh - saw you in the library once."

Castiel smiles. "Yeah?"

"Yeah, I walked in, saw you sitting there and walked straight back out." Castiel laughs and finally remembers that their hands are still interlocked on the table. "I mean, I stared at you creepily for a little bit before I walked out so," Castiel shakes his head and finds that he can't look into Dean's adoring eyes for too long without blushing up and down. He bites his lips and pulls his hand away, looking up to shoot Dean a small smile before finishing the last of his food.

Dean does the same and a few minutes later they're done, Dean already getting up and leaning over the table. "Here let me get that for you."

"No, you made it," Castiel protests. "I'll clean it up." 

"But you're the guest," Dean responds, taking Castiel's plate in one hand and his own in the other before turning and walking off to the kitchen. Castiel shakes his head and gets up himself. He grabs a towel from where it hangs over the oven handle and comes to stand right next to Dean. Dean looks over to him, already washing the first plate and the corner of his lips quirk up. He doesn't say anything. He just keeps on cleaning and then when it's done, passes it to Castiel to dry. 

When they're done with everything they find themselves standing silently in the middle of the kitchen. Dean flicks his eyes over to Castiel and Castiel feels that ache in his chest again. He takes one step forward before wrapping his arms around Dean's neck and pulling him in for a crushing hug. He's not sure why he does it but he _needs_ it. Dean holds him even tighter, his face buried in Castiel's neck. 

Castiel breathes and breathes and breathes and for some reason, tears form behind his eyelids. "I missed you so much," Castiel whispers, and Dean squeezes him tighter.

"I know. I missed you too," Dean whispers back, and if Castiel could hold on to Dean forever, he would.

***

Cas' hair sticks up in all kind of directions. The soft sounds he lets out every once in a while makes Dean smile. It's seven in the morning. Not too early but also not late. They're supposed to be leaving for the centre at ten. But Dean is not going to be able to go back to sleep now. Not with the way his chest constricts just at the mere thought of going to see his father. 

Dean tries to think of Cas as a distraction. It's not too hard. Cas fits so seamlessly into his family. Even with tensions high - everyone knowing what was going to happen the next day - Cas still was able to lighten the mood. Just by being there. Dean felt a swell of pride at that.

He wonders what it would be like if Cas wasn't here. He wonders what it would be like if he never showed up at Cas' dorm a week ago. The last few weeks have quite possibly been the longest and worst weeks of his life. And still, there is a small part of him that wants to push Cas away. What if he hurts Cas again? What if he's not good enough for him? He's not - that's something that Dean knows for sure and yet Cas says he is. But he's also sure that he would never find anyone like Cas again.

Cas stirs beside him and suddenly there are two big blue eyes looking at him. Cas pushes himself up, worry on his face. "Are you okay?" Always worrying. It makes Dean feel loved and cared about. But it also makes Dean feel guilty. If he was just normal, Cas wouldn't have to worry so much.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just can't sleep." 

"Did you have a nightmare?" Dean shakes his head. He's lucky he didn't. He doesn't want to scare Cas. The last one he had was three nights ago. Cas was there on the ground, his father beating him to a pulp - beating him lifeless - and Dean couldn't move. All he could do was scream and scream until his throat was hoarse but no matter how hard he tried he could never move. Even when Cas called out to him, reached out a hand - he could never save him. Those ones are even scarier than the ones where his father beats himself.

"No, I'm just...nervous. You should go back to sleep." Castiel looks at him for a moment, as if he's about to say something but finally nods. He shuffles himself over and wraps an arm around Dean's waist and rests his head on Dean's chest. 

"You'll be okay," Cas whispers, and instead of responding, Dean leans down and places a soft kiss on Cas' temple. 

There are times when Dean dares to think about the future. He dares to think about himself and Cas together again. It makes that small part of him - the one that tells him to push Cas away - disappear, even if it's just for a little while. But he knows deep down that if he ever pushed Cas away again, it would be the worst mistake he'd ever make in his life. 

So he intertwines their hands together and holds Cas. Holds him close and hopes that he'll never be stupid enough to let go again.

***

Dean's foot bounces up and down to an unknown beat on the car floor. He probably shouldn't be driving. He can feel his hands starting to tremble. God, he's so fucking pathetic. Can't even face his own father without trembling like a fucking child. They come to a red light and stop. Dean closes his eyes for a moment. He can do this. Just breathe. He can't hurt you here. He won't be drunk. He'll be sober. Harsh words but nothing else. He can deal with that. No, fuck, he can't deal with anything anymore. He's not sure when he turned into a fucking weak-

"Dean?" Dean's eyes snap open. He looks to the front but the light is still red. "Are you okay?" Cas' hand is on his leg and his eyes are filled with worry. More worry. More fucking worry caused by him. " _Dean._ " 

Dean swallows. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine." They're nearly there. Bobby and Sam have taken the other car at Dean's request that he be alone with Cas. He doesn't want them seeing him have a complete mental breakdown. 

"Okay," Cas says, but he doesn't take his hand away from Dean's leg. It's...reassuring. Something to keep him present. Deep breaths. They pull into the underground car park not too much later. Dean's about to open the car door when Cas grabs him. "Wait, Dean."

Dean scrunches his eyebrows together. "What?"

Cas opens his mouth and closes it again. Dean waits a few moments before Cas finally speaks. "It's okay to be scared, remember?" Dean swallows. "Your father - he's only hurt me once and I'm fucking scared. I get scared of facing my own family and they've never hurt me like that." Dean clenches his fists. Just breathe. "Don't beat yourself up because of it, okay?" Cas' eyes are so sincere and if Dean wasn't so fucking _scared_ right now - his heart feeling like it's going to pound right out of his chest - he might have kissed him. 

Instead he nods. "Yeah. Yeah, okay." Cas nods too before pulling Dean in for a hug. Dean squeezes him tight and breathes into the crook of his neck. Everything's going to be okay. This'll all be over soon.

The centre is nicer than he expected. Although, he's not really sure what he expected. Cas' hand is in his own the whole time they walk through the place. Sam keeps shooting him quick looks over his shoulder. He would usually be annoyed. He doesn't want anyone's pity. But right now, it's comforting. 

They're finally lead to a room and told that this is the one. This is it. He's right in there. Right behind that door. All of them stand still for a moment, no one knowing what to say. Finally, Sam pipes up. "Can I go in first?" he asks, his eyes flicking from Bobby back to Dean. Dean nods and feels Cas' hand squeeze his. 

Sam disappears behind the door and Dean breathes. They don't say anything, although Dean can practically feel both Bobby and Cas searching for something to tell him. They wait and after a while Cas shuffles impossibly closer until his side is pressed up against Dean's. Finally, the door swings open and Sam walks out, looking rather angry even though he's clearly trying to conceal it.

My turn, Dean thinks. This is it. He stands still. Frozen. _Fuck_. "Hey," Cas says, voice quiet. "I can come in with you if you want."

"No, it's okay. I want to do this alone," Dean responds, and it's an effort to even get that out. C'mon. He can do this. He lets go of Cas' hand and walks towards the door. He doesn't take a moment - just pulling the door open and stepping inside, three pairs of worried eyes trailing after him.

His father sits in a chair across the room, staring out the window. He looks at Dean in the reflection and Dean has to will up all the courage he has to not cower under his gaze. He tries to remember the courage he had when he saved Cas. His father's not even drunk now. So why is he so fucking scared? His father averts his eyes away first.

"I'm not doing this for you," he says, and Dean clenches his jaw.

"I never expected you to," Dean responds, his voice flat, emotionless. It takes all of that courage to keep it from wavering. Especially when part of him hoped that his father would do this for him. He's not sure why he ever hoped for that.

His father grunts but doesn't say anything else. Dean clenches his fists at his sides. "Is that all you're going to say?" Flat. Emotionless. Keep calm. His father eyes are hard when they meet Dean's in the reflection. It's a good enough response as any. "What about Cas? You're not going to even apologise for hurting him?"

"Fine," he says, and Dean's a little taken aback. "I didn't mean to hurt your... _friend_. Is that good enough?" he practically spits. Dean clenches his jaw hard now, his chest feeling like it's caving in.

"Yeah," Dean responds, but he's more saying it to himself. Because he should've expected this. Why would he ever have hoped that he could get more than this? Why would he ever have hoped that his father would pull him into a hug and tell him he's sorry for everything and that he loves Dean no matter what? 

His father says nothing else and Dean feels like he might suffocate if he stands in this fucking room with him for one more second. He turns and walks out the door. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor. He doesn't need those pitying looks now. He walks over to Cas, and it's hard not to look him in the eye, but he manages. He grabs his hand and pulls him along back the way they came.

"Dean?" Cas asks, but Dean still doesn't meet his eyes. He can't. Cas doesn't try after that - for which Dean is incredibly grateful - and just walks along beside him. They make it to the car in no time and Dean finally lets go of Cas' hand to get inside before he feels the first tears fall. He clenches his fists where they rest on his thighs - an attempt to stop them from shaking - and closes his eyes to try and hold in the tears. 

He feels Cas beside him, a hand over his fist, the other on his cheek and his mouth contorts into a sob that he desperately tries to stop from punching out of him - but he fails. He turns, reaching for Cas, his hands trembling completely now as they grasp Cas' shirt and his tears falling steadily as he buries his face in Cas' shoulder. Cas curls around him - a comforting weight holding him close. He cries. And he feels a phantom hand wrap itself around his heart and squeeze it tight until his breaths are coming quickly.

"It's okay, Dean. It's over," Castiel hushes, and he misses they way it cracks over his sobbing. Dean cries harder. Because this is it, isn't it? It's over. And that's what he got. He'll have to live with that forever. Knowing that his father doesn't even regret all the things he did to him.

"Shh, it's okay. It's okay. It's over."

***

It's been a long day. He's not really sure how he got by. Cas was always there by his side but Dean was never really present in the small talk they made. And he hates it. Hates how pathetic he is. Hates how miserable he's making everyone. He doesn't miss the sad looks they shoot him. 

Somehow, though - _somehow_ \- Cas is still here. Trying. Worrying. Caring. But Cas keeps telling him the same thing over and over - that he would do the same for Cas. And it's true. Of course, it's true. Dean would do _anything_. And at one point that was even to sacrifice their relationship and his own happiness for Cas'. 

Dean hears the shower turn off and not too long later, Cas walks out, pyjamas on and drying his hair vigorously with a spare towel. Dean lies in bed and watches as he wanders over to his bag, pulling the towel off to reveal his hair still wet and spiked up in every single direction possible. It's almost like when he rolls out of the bed in the morning. He's not sure which one is more endearing. 

Cas finally turns, a smile on his face and crawls up the bed beside Dean, pushing his legs underneath the covers. Dean rolls on his side to face him, raising a hand to run his fingers through Cas' wet hair. Cas smiles - that beautiful, beautiful smile - and curls his fingers in the fabric of Dean's shirt, shuffling closer. 

"Thank you," Dean says, and Cas looks up, his big blue eyes finding Dean's own. 

"For what?" _For everything._

"For coming down here. For coming with me today." Dean didn't want Cas to be there when they were dealing with his father. He didn't want to drag him here and make him miserable for the whole week. But he couldn't do it alone today. He needed Cas there. 

"Of course." A beat. "I'm...proud of you." Dean's heart swells and aches at the same time. He doesn't remember the last time someone said that to him. "I mean, I don't want to sound patronising or anything. Fuck, it came out sounding patronising, didn't it? I shouldn't have said -"

" _Cas_." Dean rests his hand on Cas' jaw and tilts his head up slightly.

"Sorry," Cas mumbles, averting his eyes. Dean shakes his head.

"Don't be sorry." Cas' eyes peek up at Dean from under his eyelashes and Dean's not sure if he's ever seen someone more beautiful. "Can I kiss you?"

Cas huffs. "Do you need to ask?"

"I'm not sure if I'm allowed," Dean says, and Castiel smiles.

"You are." Dean moves forward slowly and Cas' lips are warm and soft and god, he's missed him so much. Dean brushes his thumb over Cas' jaw, finding all the little dimples and bumps - a hint of stubble coming through. Cas' hands curl tighter in his shirt, knuckles bumping against his stomach. It's a breath of fresh air.

Cas wears a bright red blush when he pulls away. Dean's not sure why, especially after all the things they've done together. Maybe it's because they've seemingly hit the reset button. Now, this is just the beginning. Yeah, he likes the sound of that. Tomorrow they'll start again. It'll be day one.

"I love you," Dean says. Castiel smiles even wider and Dean knows that now he'll be saying those words every chance he gets. Not because Cas deserves to hear them - even though he most certainly does - but because it's true. 

"And I love you," Castiel whispers back. "I hope you don't forget it." Warmth fills Dean's chest. He smiles. A real smile.

"I'll try not to." Dean kisses Castiel again and he hopes that they have many more days to come. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Dean's second and last POV. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter and only one chapter to go. It will be a bit longer than normal and I honestly can't wait to post it. I will also hopefully get around to answering people's comments soon!
> 
> I hope you all have an amazing week! I love you all <3<3<3


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna miss these guys.

\+ Four Days

It's been four days since they visited Dean's father in rehab. Dean had woken up the morning after it and told Castiel that this was it. This was finally their new beginning. They'd tried before, of course, but with Dean's father not dealt with, it could've never really been a new beginning. But here they are. Finally, a fresh start. Four days into it. And of course, something has to pull the mood down. There's always something. And now that something is that it's Castiel's father's birthday today.

He rings in the morning, sitting at the bench in Dean's kitchen, and unsurprisingly gets no reply. Dean hugs him from behind, kisses the space under his ear and tells him that it's okay and that he has a new family now, if that's what he wants. Castiel says it is and smiles at Dean as he leaves to go to class. The smile is accompanied by a sinking feeling in his stomach.

He texts his father during class, unable to stop thinking about it. He doesn't want much. Just a simple reply. A simple message to let Castiel know that at least someone in the family is still talking to him. It's the least he could ask for. 

He calls again at lunch and presses decline as soon as he hears the voicemail. His first thought is, _I want Dean to be here_. But Dean's in a class. They figured out their schedule together. Wrote everything down so they'd both know what the other was doing and so they could spend as much time together as possible. It was Dean's idea. He brought it up in the car on the way back from Kansas. And Castiel had felt weirdly happy about it. The domesticity of it. He'd given the key he'd made for Dean back then. The smile on Dean's face... Thinking about it almost makes him smile. But not quite.

But because of the schedule, now he knows that he only has to wait another hour before Dean is finished. 

An hour that goes by much slower than Castiel would've liked. But it goes by nonetheless and finally he's meeting Dean in the park. Dean smiles at first but he must see the look on Castiel's face because slowly it turns into a frown. "Hey, you okay?" he asks, and Castiel just walks straight into him, arms limp at his side and forehead planted on Dean's shoulder. "Hey, what's wrong? Is this about your dad?" Dean rubs a soothing hand up and down his back and threads his other hand through Castiel's hair. 

Castiel nods his head as best he can without moving from Dean's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Cas. I'm sorry," he mumbles into Castiel's hair before planting a kiss there. "What do you wanna do? Do you want me to come back to your dorm or go to mine?"

"My dorm, please." Dean plants another quick kiss on the top of his head before stepping back and taking his hand. They don't do much for the rest of the afternoon. Dean somewhat cheers him up but every time he looks at his phone, he falls into a slump and well, feels like complete shit.

"I know I should just get over it but -"

"Don't say that, Cas," Dean butts in, and Castiel sighs.

"Why not? It's true. I mean, I practically hate all of them anyway. So why do I still feel fucking terrible when one of them doesn't respond to a stupid text? And they're still sending fucking money through to me so I'm not being completely cut off. I shouldn't care about something as stupid as this." Castiel stares at his phone, hating the way he wants to curl up and cry over this. A gentle hands rests on his shoulder and Dean squats down beside his desk chair.

"But you do. And it's completely understandable. Even after everything they've done, they're still family. It'll take you a while to eventually get over it. But that's okay. And in the mean time, I'll be here whenever you're feeling fucking terrible about it. Alright?"

Castiel slumps forward, resting his forehead against the desk, a mumbled, "Alright," leaving his mouth. 

Both settle on takeout for dinner. Dean decides to go pick it up as he wants to swing by his apartment to get a few things considering he's staying the night. He's not gone long. But it feels long. Castiel attempts to ring his father one more time before the first tear falls. He doesn't sob or cry. Tears fall silently as he stares at the wall, feeling rather empty. He supposes it's because - while he's still upset over it - he's used to this. He doesn't even remember the last time he smiled because of his family. 

He attempts to think of Dean's family and what Dean had said this morning. A reminder that he has another family. And he likes the sound of it. But it's not his own family. 

Castiel wipes his eyes when he hears footsteps approaching his door. It's not enough. Dean sees the redness and shiny eyes and immediately knows. Castiel finally lets out a few sobs against Dean's shoulder but it doesn't go on. The emptiness creeps over his body until he's unable to even fake a smile for Dean. But Dean understands. They eat first and then Dean suggests that they watch a movie. Castiel has no concentration to do any study right now - or practically anything else - so he agrees. They hop into bed, boxers and shirts on and press play.

Castiel doesn't really follow. But Dean's hand is warm in his and it gets him a few hours further into the night. He doesn't fall asleep for a while. Dean's snores are soft behind him. Castiel stares at his alarm clock when it hits twelve in the morning, the twenty-fifth flicking over to the twenty-sixth. 

No calls or text messages. Nothing.

Dean shuffles slightly behind him, his nose brushing against the back of Castiel's neck and he knows that eventually he'll be alright.  

\+ Eight Days

It's a simple Tuesday night. Castiel decides to spend it over at Dean's apartment. They order cheap takeout and because they're infinitely lazy, decide to get it delivered. They're arguing over who's going to pay when there's a loud, insistent knock on the day.

Dean visibly flinches and Castiel tries to pretend he didn't see it. "I'll get it," Castiel offers, pushing himself up from the couch but not before touching his hand to Dean's own. Dean doesn't look at him, his eyes down on the floor. 

Castiel pays the delivery man with his own money and says a quick thank you before closing the door lightly behind him. Dean still sits on the couch and Castiel can see from where he is that he's clenching and unclenching his fists. "Food's here," he calls out, walking straight for the kitchen to give Dean some semblance of privacy. Castiel focuses on getting some plates and utensils out, letting Dean take his time to get up.

He takes a minute or so but comes over eventually. Dinner is quiet, Dean giving short answers to anything Castiel says. Kind of like Castiel was the other night. Expect Castiel felt empty. Dean doesn't look like he feels empty. Castiel can practically see all over the thoughts whizzing through his head. He's almost hyper aware of everything around him. 

Dean apologises later that night and Castiel does his best to assure him that he doesn't need to. That just like Dean helped him through the other night, Castiel will help him through this one. Dean actually looks relieved as though he was uncertain that Castiel would stick it out with him. Castiel tells him that he's not going to leave and he wants to help Dean however he can. 

Dean kisses him breathless and Castiel takes that as a sign that Dean finally believes him. It's not a big achievement. But it still is one. And Castiel will take whatever victories he can get.  

\+ Fourteen Days

It's a bad day. Castiel's not sure what triggered it or if there was something to trigger it at all - because god knows how many bad days Castiel has had for inherently no reason - but he can see it written all over Dean's face and body language, that it's a bad day. 

"Are you okay?" Castiel asks, as he watches Dean from across the kitchen bench play with his cereal. Dean stops, looking up, eyes narrowed at Castiel. Castiel's not sure what that look is but he suddenly feels as though maybe he's the one that triggered this. Did he do something wrong? He tries to think back to this morning. He doesn't think he did anything -

"Can I ask you something?" Dean asks, interrupting his train of thought. Looking back at Dean now, he looks almost...nervous. 

"Sure. What is it?" Dean bites his lip, looking back down at his cereal. 

He doesn't look up when he starts speaking, "Do you think you could, I don't know, maybe come with me to work this morning?" Castiel's a little taken aback by the question. That's not what he was expecting at all. 

"Uh, of course. Yeah, I don't have a class until twelve so that should be fine." Dean finally looks up and some of the tension - not all - seems to drain from his shoulders.

"Okay, great. That's great. We'll have to leave in twenty minutes, is that alright?" 

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll be ready in ten." 

Castiel finds himself a booth in the corner of the cafe, setting up his laptop and a textbook in front of him. He glances over at Dean who rounds the counter and speaks to another guy, pointing towards Castiel. It's not Benny but someone else who he's never seen before. The guys nods, claps a hand on Dean's back before getting back to whatever he was doing. Dean glances over to Castiel and smiles. All good. 

He ends up ordering a chocolate brownie out of the cabinet because one, they look too good to resist and two, because he'd feel bad if he sat in the cafe for a few hours without ordering anything, although Dean keeps saying that it's fine. Time passes quickly and it's already an hour down when Castiel hears raised voices. He turns to watch - a man at the counter, gesturing angrily at Dean and the takeaway coffee in his hand - who stands there responding quietly and as calmly as he can. Castiel bites his lip. Fucking assholes. He feels like yelling out, 'It's just a fucking coffee, dickhead'. 

He nearly does get up when he sees the look in Dean's eyes and the slight shake of his right hand. But the guy from before intervenes, taking over the conversation and pushing Dean out of the way. Dean disappears into the kitchen and Castiel stares at it until he comes back out. The asshole customer is gone by the time he comes out - the other employee having made him a new coffee to satisfy his needs. Dean speaks to the employee quietly, before rounding the counter and heading over to Castiel's table.

Castiel shuffles over as Dean slides into the booth beside him. He rests his hands on the table, one resting over the other and lets out a deep breath. Castiel rests his hand on Dean's leg, running it slowly up and down. "You okay?" 

Dean pauses for a moment before speaking quietly. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be fine with this sort of thing happening. And now I - it feels like I'm about to fucking die or something. I mean, I was playing football in front of a crowd of thousands not too long ago and now I can't even face one angry up-himself prick?" Dean runs a frustrated hand down his face and lets out another deep breath.

"It's your anxiety. It's been - I don't know how to put it... Intensified, I guess since - ah - something involving your father I presume."

"So, I'm getting worse?" Dean asks, frustration seeping into his tone. Castiel doesn't know what to say. He wants to try and stay positive for Dean. Dean doesn't need something else going wrong in his life.

"Well, you particularly are not getting worse. Your anxiety is."

"Isn't that the same thing?" Castiel opens his mouth but finds that he has nothing to say. "How do you deal with it? You know, when it gets really bad?" Castiel pauses, frowning.

"I'm probably not the best person to come to for advice."

"Why not?" Dean asks, eyebrows furrowed. Castiel looks down at the table.

"Because I'm not all that great at dealing with it. I mean, I do know how to stop a panic attack but that's about it."

"And how do you stop a panic attack?" Castiel narrows his eyes at Dean. 

"Why? Have you been having them?" Dean slowly ducks his head and looks back at his hands where the lie on the table.

"No." Castiel squeezes Dean's leg.

"You can tell me, Dean, it's okay."

Dean sighs. "Sometimes I get them after nightmares or when I've been thinking about really shitty things, you know, but they're not that bad," he says, still not meeting Castiel's eyes and Castiel can tell immediately that they are _that_ bad. God, he hopes Dean's never had one while Castiel was sleeping on beside him. 

"Well, to stop it you just hold your breath for five to ten seconds, breathe out and then keep doing that until your breathing returns to normal."

Dean nods. "Right, hold your breath. That shouldn't be too hard." He shoots Castiel a small smile. "Thanks, Cas. I should probably get back to work." 

"Hold on a sec," Castiel says, grabbing Dean by the arm to stop him from getting up. "I'm probably going to leave in about twenty minutes for class so I should probably say goodbye now."

"Oh, right. Sure," Dean responds, sweeping his eyes over the cafe for a second before turning back and placing a chaste kiss on his lips. "Thanks for coming. It - uh - probably doesn't seem like much but it means a lot." Castiel's heart swells and he smiles at the bashful look on Dean's face.

"Of course, Dean. I'll see you this afternoon?"

"Yeah, I'll see you later," and then Dean's turning and walking back over to the counter. 

\+ Eighteen Days

"Can I talk to you about something?" Dean asks, sitting on Castiel's bed. It's nine in the morning and Castiel's just gotten out of the shower after a long run. 

"Of course. What is it?" Castiel responds, pulling his jeans on over his boxers. Dean's still in his pyjamas - his only class today being in the afternoon.  

"I - uh - got this thing from the library a little while ago - that time you saw me, I think," Dean starts, grabbing his wallet from the bedside table and pulling a little tab out. Oh. Castiel walks over, dressed now and sits down beside Dean. There's a small blush creeping up Dean's neck. "It's a number for a new," Dean clears his throat. "...psychologist in town. And I was thinking that maybe we could go?" For some reason Castiel feels like smiling. Castiel's pause, however, is too long and Dean starts rambling, the blush creeping onto his cheeks now. "Or just me, that's fine too because you're already pretty great at all -"

"Dean," Castiel interrupts, placing a hand on Dean's arm. Dean tentatively looks up. "I'd be happy to go with you." He'd somehow forgotten about that day all those weeks ago when Dean had taken the tab from outside the library. But now just thinking about it, he feels happy. He never thought Dean would actually use it. But here he is, making that step for himself. For both of them. 

"Okay. Great. Uh...yeah, great. Um, I can call up if you want, make an appointment," Dean babbles on, putting a smile on Castiel's face. 

"That would be great."

"Yeah. Okay... Great." Castiel shakes his head.

"You're very cute when you get all flustered," he says, and if anything, Dean's cheeks go even redder.

"What? I'm not -" Castiel cuts him off by crushing his lips against Dean's. Dean makes a surprised noise, his hand coming up to rest on Castiel's waist. Dean's eyes widen when Castiel finally pulls away.

"I'm really glad you asked," Castiel says, before wrapping his arms around Dean's shoulders. Castiel's not sure if Dean knows why he's acting all ridiculously sappy but he wraps his own arms tight around Castiel's waist and it's enough.

\+ Twenty-Seven Days

Castiel's anxious. Funny that. He's anxious about going to see someone who's supposed to help him with his anxiety. Dean's probably more anxious though. He sits beside Castiel in the waiting room, tapping his fingers restlessly on his own thigh. 

A young lady finally appears from behind a closed door and calls their names. They share a look - something that says, 'fuck, I'm nervous', 'good luck', and 'I'm here if you need me', all in one - and then they follow her into the room and take a seat. The hour goes much quicker than Castiel thought it would. First, they start by telling the psychologist about Dean's situation with his father and what's been happening with him. Castiel's asked to leave the room at one point so she can speak to Dean alone. When he comes back in they talk about himself - his own situation with family and his relationship with Dean. Dean's asked to leave the room then and Castiel talks to her for a good fifteen minutes alone. 

They book the next one for two weeks later and leave, not saying a word to each other as they walk down to the car. Dean doesn't start it up when they get inside. His fists clench and unclench as he stares out his window, the back of his head facing Castiel. Castiel scoots over in his seat and rests a hand on the nape of his neck, his forehead resting against Dean's cheek. It's wet. Dean sniffles quietly for a while, still trying to hide his tears. Castiel blinks back his own. He hates seeing Dean like this.

Eventually, he turns his head and rests it against Castiel's for a second as if to say, 'I'm okay now'. Castiel shuffles back over to his seat and waits as Dean uses the back of his head to wipe away any wetness on his face before starting up the car and pulling out of the car park.

His eyes are still red when they get back to his apartment and the rest of the day is a quiet one. Castiel doesn't push and hopes that when Dean feels comfortable he'll tell him what's on his mind. And when Castiel feels comfortable he'll tell Dean what's on his mind too. When they open up, they'll do it together.

\+ Thirty-Eight Days 

"Are you sure we can afford this?" Castiel asks, as he scans his eyes down the menu. They're on a date. A proper date. And because they're on a proper date, Dean decided that they needed to go to a fancy restaurant. They even dressed fancy. Well, as fancy as they can which for them includes their nicest pair of jeans, an ironed long sleeve buttoned down shirt and the nicest pair of boots they have. And Castiel can't complain about that because Dean looks handsomer than ever - Castiel wasn't sure if that was possible up until he came out of the bedroom all fresh and ready. 

"Unless you're thinking about ordering that two hundred dollar bottle of wine, then yes," Dean says, from across their small and weirdly intimate table - candle and all.

"I don't even know what half of this is," Castiel says, squinting through his glasses. 

"I don't know either but we're definitely getting that dessert," Dean says, and Castiel looks up and follows Dean's gaze all the way across to a table on the other side of the room where a waiter is placing what looks like the most exotic chocolate mousse down on someone's table. 

"Oh, yeah, we are definitely getting that." 

Castiel ends up ordering the least complicated looking pasta dish while Dean orders some meat dish with some strange toppings. 

"And for drinks?" the waiter asks, and before Castiel can open his mouth Dean chimes in.

"We'll be fine with water, thanks." The waiter nods and off they go. The corner of Castiel's lips quirk up.

"You remembered?" He only mentioned to Dean once that he doesn't drink and it was a little while ago _while_ Dean was maybe a little bit tipsy so he's definitely surprised he remembers.

"Of course. I remember everything about you," Dean says, nonchalant. 

"You could've ordered something for yourself though. I don't want to hold you back."

"Nah, it's fine. I - uh - don't really feel like anything." Castiel raises an eyebrow but nods. He wonders if this has to do with Dean trying to get better. Not that Dean drinks a lot around Castiel anyway but he still does distinctly remember that time he walked into Dean's apartment for the first time and saw maybe half a dozen empty beer bottles in the living room. 

Castiel clears his throat. "So, you remember everything, huh?" Dean grins.

"Uh huh." Castiel pauses. 

"What's my favourite colour?"

"Green."

"Favourite book?"

"American Gods." Castiel narrows his eyes. 

"Hmm, what about... What's my favourite thing to bake?"

"You don't bake," Dean says, with a victory smile.

"So, you do pay attention," Castiel responds, shooting an impressed smile back.

"Well, when the person you're falling head over heels for is talking about different things about themselves you tend to listen." Castiel has to duck his head to hide the blush that threatens to stain his cheeks. Falling head over heels for - Castiel doesn't know if he'll ever get used to hearing that. When he looks up again Dean's eyes are bright. Brighter and filled with joy. He's beautiful.

"Okay, well, I can challenge that," Castiel says, and Dean leans forward, resting his forearms on the table.

"Oh, you can?"

Castiel gives an exaggerated shrug. "Uh huh."

"Fine. What's my favourite colour?"

"Blue."

"Favourite thing to bake?"

"Apple pie."

"Yeah, that one was way too easy," Dean says, narrowing his eyes. 

"Oh, I got one. My favourite Batman movie?"

Castiel grins. "Batman and Robin." Dean's mouth opens and a choked-out noise comes out.

"How dare you?" Dean says, in mock accusation and Castiel laughs. "How dare you even mention that monstrosity in my presence." 

"I won that round," Castiel says, and Dean shakes his head, a fond smile on his face.

The date is quite possibly the nicest night out Castiel has ever had - even if the food is a little expensive. He can't argue with that taste though. They even end up ordering the chocolate mousse to share and eat off each other's spoons. It's something he would probably call gross if any other couple did it but he can't help it. It's Dean. He can't help anything when Dean's around. 

They hold hands as they walk home together. It's not too far but they end up walking slowly anyway. Savouring the moment. And with the way Dean's looking at him - with all the joy and love possible - he doesn't want the moment to ever end. It's when they've just stepped inside the apartment that Castiel knows what he wants. And looking at Dean - he knows he wants it too. 

They haven't had sex since, well, Castiel can't even remember. Dean's birthday? Yeah, that's right. Dean's birthday. It's been two months since then. Two whole months. And strangely it doesn't feel like it's been that long. They've been too focused on mending their relationship and on mending themselves to worry about that. And Castiel's pretty sure Dean wouldn't have wanted to anyway.

Even now looking at him, standing with the door closed behind him and his eyes flicking nervously from the ground to Castiel, he can tell that Dean's not going to initiate anything. He's not sure if he's allowed. So, instead, Castiel walks forward until he's right up in Dean's personal space. He grabs the material of Dean's buttoned-down shirt and slowly tugs at it until it's untucked from his jeans. 

Dean's breathing gets louder but his hands still hang limp by his side. Castiel looks up and meets Dean's gaze. Full of arousal, love and wonder. Castiel swallows.

"Are you going to make love to me or what?" Dean's mouth parts slightly and Castiel waits. Slowly, as if he's still unsure, Dean leans forward and captures Castiel's lips with his own. Castiel feels a gentle hand caress his lower back and another rest between his shoulder blades. Dean slowly starts to move forward pushing Castiel back until he meets the wall. 

Dean tugs on Castiel's bottom lip softly and pulls a sigh from his lips. Castiel's hands wrap around the nape of Dean's neck, running his fingers though the hair there. Dean's own hands smooth their way around to Castiel's front, tugging his shirt from his pants and beginning to undo his buttons one by one. Usually they would never take this long. Usually one of them would be ripping his shirt off as quickly as possible. 

But right now, neither of them want that. They want this. They want love. And Castiel already feels hot under Dean's reverent palms as they press to the skin of his stomach and of his chest as he works his way up. And then, his shirt is being pushed away, his skin breathing and open under Dean's heavy eyes. Castiel moves one of his own hands down to Dean's chest but Dean has his own ideas. He bends, hooking his arms around Castiel's legs. Castiel smiles, jumping up for Dean to catch him. 

Dean leans forward, crushing their lips together and pressing Castiel into the wall. "I missed having you in my arms," Dean says, touching their foreheads before kissing Castiel again. 

"I missed being in your arms," Castiel says, when he's finally able to pull away from Dean's lips for long enough. Dean smiles against his mouth, breathing heavily already and then turns and starts walking towards his - _their_ bedroom. Castiel's not sure when he started thinking of it as their bedroom but he has. And it makes Castiel even happier in this moment. 

Dean carries him all the way and gently lowers him down onto the bed. Castiel immediately kicks at his own shoes and Dean follows suit, pulling his own off and then helping Cas with pulling his socks off. Castiel crawls backwards up the bed until his head hits the pillow and watches as Dean crawls after him, his gaze sweeping over Castiel's bare chest. He dips down, placing a kiss on the underside of Castiel's jaw as Castiel raises his hands to start and unbutton Dean's shirt.

Soft, gentle and open-mouthed kisses are placed all down Castiel's neck, his own fingers fumbling with Dean's buttons when Dean draws a whimper from him. But eventually he gets the last button undone and pushes at Dean's shoulders, Dean lifting himself up to shrug off his shirt and throw it over the side of the bed. Castiel drinks in the sight in front of him. It really hasn't been that long but Castiel still marvels at every inch of skin he can see. 

Dean nudges Castiel's legs open with a knee and Castiel obliges, opening them for Dean to fit in between. Their crotches grind together, eliciting moans from both of them. Dean grinds again, harder this time and swallows up Castiel's needy whimper with his mouth. Castiel's fingers dig into the skin of Dean's back as Dean rocks back and forth, his stomach curling with arousal when one of Dean's hands smooths down his chest and finds the button and zipper of his pants.  

He hooks his fingers inside the waistband of his pants and briefs and Castiel lifts his ass so Dean can pull them down and all the way off. 

It's strange feeling to be naked in front of Dean after so long. Strange because it shouldn't be strange at all. They've done this way too many times for Castiel to be...well, shy but this feels so different. Their relationship now is different. Dean sweeps his eyes up and down Castiel's body before he's quickly divesting himself of his own pants and boxers. Castiel marvels at him, taking it all in as quickly as possible because suddenly Dean's face is right in front of his own again and Castiel's breathing heavily against Dean's warm lips, eyes becoming half lidded with arousal. 

But Dean doesn't indulge him, pulling away to reach over to the bedside table. Castiel takes off his glasses and reaches over to place them on the table while he has the opportunity. The sight of lube has Castiel's breaths becoming even more laboured. Castiel pushes himself into a more comfortable position on the bed as he watches Dean lube up his own fingers. And then Dean's over him again, kissing him hard and taking all of his breath at once. Dean bumps Castiel's legs up, his feet planting down on the bed and his stomach muscles clench as he waits for that first cold touch. 

Somehow, it's loving the way Dean does it. Castiel's not sure he could ever think of Dean fingering him open as loving. To them it's always been rough or something that they need to hurry up so they can get to the next part. But now, Castiel's chest rises and falls, mouth parts as Dean's fingers open him up one by one. Dean's eyes linger on his face, watching for the reaction. It makes Castiel blush hard and want to closes his eyes and hide but Dean is there whispering in his ear, "So beautiful, Cas. So gorgeous for me. God, I missed you so much. I want it to be perfect for you."

Castiel's breathy whimper and cock already dripping precome on his stomach is enough said for Dean to know how perfect it already is. Dean's fingers drag in and out, slow and gentle, making Castiel rock slowly back and forth beneath him. Dean kisses all the way down his chest and suddenly his fingers are out and he's lubing up his own hard cock. 

It's almost like a sigh of relief when Dean first pushes in. He thinks that maybe Dean feels the same with the way that he pauses and holds himself there, arms braced above Castiel. Dean smiles. Castiel smiles back and Dean starts to move. Castiel curls his arms around Dean's shoulders, his hands brushing up from his back to his shoulders. Dean settles down on his forearms beside Castiel - caging him in. He rocks forward at an easy pace and Castiel feels a surge of something in his chest. He never though they'd be here. After everything. But they are, making love on a weekday night. After a fucking proper date. 

Dean's stomach drags against Castiel's cock as he thrusts deeper and the first hit on his prostate has Castiel's toes clenching and lips leaving Dean's to let out a cut off moan. Dean continues to thrust there and Castiel's fingers dig deeper into Dean's back, his mouth parting with heavy breaths. Dean mouths at his jaw, his nose brushing against his cheek. 

"I love you," Dean whispers, and Castiel presses his cheek into Dean's own. He can feel his stomach tightening further as Dean pushes him further along. Castiel whimpers.

"I love you too. I love you too," Castiel babbles, and Dean reaches a hand down in between them, grasping Castiel's cock in his hand. He strokes it slowly, without urgency and Castiel finds his head thrown back and his back arching slightly off the bed. Dean leans back and Castiel opens his eyes to see him looking at him. He rocks into him still at that slow and gentle pace. Everything slow and gentle, like they have all the time in the world. Like they want this to last forever. 

Castiel surges up and kisses him, a hand gripping the back of Dean's hair. 

They make love. 

And when Castiel finally comes in Dean's hand, the emotion in his chest is practically pounding inside of him. Dean comes soon after, Castiel's name on his lips. He collapses onto Castiel and Castiel lets him. They lie for a while, listening to their own breaths getting more controlled. Dean pulls out and all the knots in Castiel's stomach unfold. Dean pushes himself off and onto his side. Castiel turns himself over, facing him. He'll deal with the mess on his stomach and in his ass in a second.

For now, he wants Dean to hold him. And when Castiel's eyes start to tear up, Dean does. He holds him closes to his chest and Castiel smiles. He's happy. Overwhelmingly so. And apparently Dean is to, for when he finally lets Castiel go, his own eyes are wet. They laugh and wipe each other's tears away. 

"I love you," Castiel whispers, as if Dean didn't know already. Dean smiles.

"I love you too."

They don't say much about it the next day. But the next time they rock together in the sheets, it's slow and gentle. And so is the time after that. Castiel doesn't ever mention to Dean that he likes this way better. Love instead of sex. But he's not sure he has to. He thinks Dean likes this way better too. 

+ Forty-One Days

Castiel peeks his head out of the bedroom. "Dean?" he calls out. Dean swivels around in the kitchen, some of tonight's dinner in the making hanging over his lip and down his chin. Castiel huffs. "Have you seen my running shorts? I want to get them out for tomorrow."

Dean's eyes widen and he ducks his head, as though attempting to find something to do. "I - uh - put them in one of the drawers for you."

Castiel raises one eyebrow. "Oh, okay." He pauses. "Are you sure because then all our stuff will get mixed up," Castiel says, and Dean is most definitely looking for something to do now.

"No, it's fine. I cleared one of my drawers out so you can have it." Oh.

_Oh._

Now Castiel feels the sudden urge to duck his own head and occupy himself. "Uh - thanks. I'll go have a look." Castiel closes the door behind him and leans against it. He pauses. And then after a moment, smiles. There's a lightness in his chest that he hasn't felt in so long. He walks over to Dean's chest of drawers and looks through them. His 'drawer' is on the top left and inside is some of his clothes - including his running shorts - folding neatly and stacked in a pile. Castiel stands there for a little while just staring into the drawer. He has his own drawer now. His own drawer in Dean's apartment. 

"Dinner's ready!" Dean's muffled voice calls through the door. Castiel pulls out his running shorts and lays it down by his bag alongside the rest of his gear. He closes the drawer and steps out of the bedroom, the smallest little smile on his lips. And if Dean notices, he doesn't mention it.

\+ Forty-Three Days

Castiel bursts through the door and runs straight into the kitchen with a grin on his face. Dean looks up just in time to catch a flying Castiel in his arms. He stumbles back laughing. "Jesus, what's up with you?"

"I got the job!" Castiel says, and Dean laughs again. 

"Shit, Cas. I thought you'd won the fucking lottery the way you stormed in." 

Castiel huffs. "Sorry, it's just taken so long," he says, unwrapping his arms from around Dean's neck. He started applying for jobs not too long after Dean suggested they go to the psychologist. It's been nearly a whole month but finally he got one. "Now I can pay you back my half for the appointments and I can even pitch in with some of your groceries." 

Dean furrows his eyebrows. "You don't need to do that," Dean says.

"Yes, I do," Castiel responds. "I'm here most nights and eat your food quite a lot."

"Really, Cas. You don't need to do that. It's no problem." Castiel crosses his arms and glares at Dean. Dean raises his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Okay, okay, fine. But you're not paying anymore than you need to. I'll be calculating the costs, okay?"

"Okay." Castiel nods, a satisfied smile on his face. Dean's lips quirk up and he leans forward to plant a quick kiss on his lips.

"I think you left the front door wide open," Dean whispers, and Castiel's eyes widen before he turns around and quickly runs out of the kitchen to close the door, Dean laughing all the while.

\+ Fifty Days

Castiel is woken by a hand on his arm. His eyes blink open sleepily. It's still dark. He shoots up at the sound of rapid breathing beside him. Dean's eyes are wild, scared, ashamed, one hand gripping Castiel's arm tight and the other hangs limply in his lap, shaking. He's having a panic attack.

"Dean?" Castiel starts, attempting to keep his voice calm. "Hey, remember what we talked about? Take a deep breath in and hold it."

Dean shakes his head, his breaths coming shorter and quicker. "I can't. I can't," he splutters. Castiel takes his free hand and dips his head to meet Dean's eyes. 

"Yes, you can. Do it with me. Deep breath." Castiel takes a deep breath and watches as Dean attempts to do the same. "Now hold it." Dean closes his mouth and holds it, and when he closes his eyes tears fall over the edge. Castiel reaches out and gently brushes them away. "Okay, now breathe out." He breathes out. "Now again. Deep breath and hold it." Dean does it again, the grip on Castiel's arm becoming looser. 

He does it four times before his breathing finally returns to normal. His hands still shake but not as violently as before. Dean closes his eyes once more, calming himself down. "There you go. You're okay. You're alright," Castiel says, wiping the wetness from Dean's cheeks with his fingers.

Dean finally opens his eyes and leans back against his pillow, letting go of Castiel's arm and hand to run both hands over his face and through his hair. Castiel remains sitting next to him. "Was it a nightmare?" Castiel asks, voice soft. Dean nods. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Dean pauses and Castiel waits patiently for an answer. "Bobby called today." Castiel nods, sudden understanding washing over him. This is what triggered it. "He's getting out in a week. And Bobby says he's doing better. That he's going to stay in Kansas and try and get another job." Dean bites his lip, closing his eyes for a second to breathe. "But I - I can't help it." Dean's voice cracks and Castiel reaches for his hand again. "It scares me - him being out there. What's stopping him from coming here and hurting -" Dean meets Castiel's eyes and cuts himself off. His lower lip trembles and when he looks down, more tears fall. 

Castiel wraps his arms around Dean tightly and rests his head on Dean's own. Dean leans into him, his hands grasping for anything to hold onto, his bare thigh - the material of Castiel's shirt. "I'm sorry," Dean croaks out. "I'm sorry."

Castiel hushes him and pulls him impossibly closer, gritting his teeth. He's never hated someone more in his life. How could someone do this to their child? "Don't ever apologise, okay? Don't ever." 

Castiel cradles him in his arms until he calms down again and spends the next little while attempting to reassure Dean that if what Bobby says is true then John probably won't come down to bother them. And if in the off chance that he does, Castiel will be right here beside him. Dean doesn't seem to like the sound of that and Castiel knows that it's because he doesn't want him to get hurt. But Castiel doesn't know what else to say. He can't be sure of anything. 

He can only hope that what he's done is enough to make Dean believe that in the end, it doesn't matter, because they'll still be here together.

\+ Fifty-Six Days 

On a Wednesday night, Castiel finds himself walking back to his dorm from the library. It's dark outside but there's still a few people here and there. He doesn't notice him at first, his eyes down and mind focused on what he has on tomorrow. But then, a grumbling sound. Well, a _person_ grumbling. Castiel's head turns and he falters in his step for a moment. 

Alastair sits on a park bench alongside Bartholomew, a cigarette dangling from his lips. His eyes aren't as hard as Castiel thought they would be. They're just...watching. Castiel quickly whips his head around, paranoid now that Brady is most definitely sneaking up behind him. 

No one's there. He here's Bartholomew snicker, picking up on Castiel's little moment of fear. Castiel clenches his jaw and walks on all the way to his dorm. No one follows him or taunts him. He gets there safely and luckily for him, Dean's in the shower so he has time to school his features and his emotions. He lets out a deep breath - not of relief - but of frustration. Why can't he just stop being afraid?

The water pressure is turned down and the next second, Castiel hears his name being called. "Yeah, it's me," he responds, rubbing a hand over his face. 

"You gonna come and join me?" he asks. "Water's still hot."

Castiel sighs. "Yeah, I'm coming."

When he finally steps under the spray of actually still hot water, the tension from his shoulders finally starts to seep away.

+ Fifty-Nine Days

Sleep won't come for him. No matter how tired he is, he can't seem to drift off. Maybe it's because he saw Alastair and Bartholomew again. Maybe it's the text he got from his mother saying he should come down soon and collect his things from his room. Maybe it's both. Or maybe it's just a bad day. 

He finally can't take it anymore and gets up, walking into the bathroom. He closes the door behind him and turns the light on. He looks in the mirror. There are bags under his eyes and his hair is a mess. He looks like a mess. He turns on the sink and splashes some water on his face. He can feel it in his chest. All of it building up, just waiting for Castiel to let it out. 

He stares at the mirror. The sound of shuffling comes from the bedroom. Shit. He's woken up Dean.

"Cas? You alright?" Dean's sleepy voice comes through the door. Castiel opens his mouth to respond but he feels like he might choke on it so he stops himself short. He grips the sink. "Cas?" He's more concerned now.

Castiel wipes at his eyes. His sight is starting to blur. "Yeah, I'm fine," he responds, but his voice cracks and gives him away. Dean slowly opens the door, listening for Castiel to tell him to stop but he doesn't and then Dean is there beside him, one arm around his hunched shoulders, the other brushing a stray hair out of his face. Castiel cries then, in his arms. It hurts. But by the end of it, he feels better. It's out of his system now. And Dean's still here holding him, whispering in his ear. 

Castiel splashes some more water on his face before Dean takes him back to bed. From the look on Dean's face he seems to be thinking it was the text that brought all this on. Castiel doesn't care. It's out now and he can finally drift off to sleep. 

\+ Sixty-Three Days

Castiel snuggles in closer to Dean's chest. Dean smiles down at him. Castiel squints, lifting his head. "What?"

"Your bedhead is definitely more endearing," Dean says, huffing and Castiel continues to squint.

"What?"

"Never mind," Dean responds, sliding his hand up and down Castiel's arm. It's nine in the morning and the sun shines through the gaps in the curtains. Castiel stretches, arching his back and Dean's hand moves towards his chest, a finger brushing over his nipple through his shirt. Castiel stops, meeting Dean's eyes. He smiles. 

"So, what do you have on this morning?" he asks, stealing his face as Dean's hand makes its slow descent down his body. 

"Nothing, actually. I have the whole morning free," Dean says, his own face giving nothing away as his hand curls round to rest on Castiel's ass. Arousal curls in his stomach. "What about you?" 

"Hmm, I think I'm free," Castiel whispers against Dean's lips which curl up into a grin. 

"I like the sound of that." Dean finally leans that extra inch forward and seals their lips together.

Dean's phone buzzes on the bedside table. Dean swears under his breath and Castiel whines as Dean rolls over to reach it.

"What is it?" 

Dean puts the phone back down and rolls over to face Castiel. "It's just Anna telling me that if I forget to bring food tomorrow she will personally kick my ass."

Castiel snorts. "I wouldn't put it past her."

"She also promised that her and Gabe will finally tell me all the embarrassing stories about you." Dean looks much too gleeful when he says that for Castiel's liking.

"Fine. Whatever. Now stop talking about my friends and get back here -" Dean swallows up the moan that punches out of Castiel when Dean palms his half hard cock through his boxers. Castiel knows that Dean would have a smug look on his face if he wasn't currently pushing his tongue into Castiel's mouth. Castiel ruts up against Dean's palm as his hands find Dean's shoulders. 

He pushes them hard enough for Dean to get the message and roll over. Castiel throws one leg over the other side of Dean and sits up in his lap, palms resting on Dean's chest. He leans down to catch Dean's lips again and Dean's hands make quick work of his shirt, pulling it up and over Castiel before throwing it aside. Castiel grinds forward, rubbing their cocks together and Dean grunts as Castiel opens his mouth in a breathy whimper. 

Dean's phone buzzes again and Dean swears louder this time, pulling away. Castiel places both hands on Dean's shoulders and holds him down. "Ignore it or I swear I will leave you with blue balls for a week."

Dean laughs. "Christ, Cas. I'm not going anywhere, you know that, right?" Castiel just huffs and leans down to kiss him again. "It's cute when you're all needy."

" _Dean_ ," Castiel says against his lips, a blush creeping up his chest. Dean chuckles.

"I love you," he says, in the singsongy way of his.

"Shut up," Castiel mumbles, and he feels Dean's strong arms wrap around his waist and pull him forwards until he's chest to chest with Dean. Castiel blushes, nudging his nose against Dean. "I love you too."

Dean grins. "I know you do."

Castiel yelps as he's thrown onto his back. 

+ Seventy-One Days

They fight on a Tuesday. Exams are coming up and Castiel's so stressed that he's struggling to sleep. Castiel's at Dean's desk in their bedroom studying. Dean pokes his head around the door at seven o'clock. "Dinner's ready. You want me to put in the fridge for you to heat up later?" Castiel looks up, trying to piece together what exactly Dean just said.

"Oh, yeah. Yes, thank you. That would be great." Dean smiles and then he's gone.

Castiel's running a frustrated hand down his face when Dean pokes his head in the second time. "You wanna take a break now? Have some dinner? It's already eight-thirty."

Castiel clenches his jaw. He wants to throw his stupid textbook out the window. 

"Cas?" 

"Hmm. Oh, no, I'll come out later. It's fine," Castiel says, waving him off.

"Are you sure?" Dean asks, concern in his voice. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Dean pauses for a moment but doesn't say anything more.

Castiel's eyes are straining and he's practically a stress ball the third time Dean pokes his head in.

"Cas, you really should take a break now -"

"I'll be there in a minute!" Castiel shouts, his hands balled into fists as he stares at his laptop. Dean mumbles something unintelligible and steps out. It's only then that Castiel realises what he's done. He pushes himself up from his desk and runs out into the living room. Dean's back in the kitchen, putting utensils away and putting some dinner back into a container. His dinner. That Dean made.

Castiel walks straight into the kitchen. "Dean, fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm just really fucking stressed right now and - and I'm sorry." Dean doesn't look up, continuing to scoop the rest of Castiel's dinner into a container.

"It's fine," he responds, voice flat but there's the tiniest bit of hurt in there. Castiel places a hand on his bicep.

"Dean, please. I'm sorry." Dean stops what he's doing and rests his hands on the counter. He sighs. 

"I'm just - I'm trying to take care of you, Cas."

"You don't need to take care of me," Castiel says, and Dean lets out a frustrated breath.

"Yes, I do. Because all you fucking do is take care of me and I feel - I feel useless. And I'm trying to be better. I'm trying to take care of you but I can't do that if you won't let me and I - fuck - I..." Dean bites his lip, cutting himself off.

"Dean, you know that's not true. You're - "

"I'm tired," Dean says, finally meeting Castiel's eyes. He does look tired. "I'm gonna go take a shower and go to bed. I'll put this back in the fridge and you can heat it up whenever." He puts the container back in the fridge and leaves the kitchen. Castiel doesn't say anything - he doesn't know what to say. He just lets the warmth underneath his palm slip away. 

He stands in the kitchen for a while, staring at the counter. The sound of the shower turning on finally snaps him out of it. He gets his dinner out and heats it up before sitting down at the counter. He stares at the food. He doesn't feel hungry. Not when his chest is constricted and he feel like it could burst any second.

He sits and he stares. And at some point, silents tears fall down his face. He doesn't even bother brushing them away. Until Dean walks out. Then he tucks his head into his chest and wipes them away as quickly as possible. Dean's footsteps sound behind him and then strong arms are wrapping around his waist, still damp from the shower, and he's resting his cheek next to Castiel's.

"I'm sorry," Dean says, and Castiel huffs, a weak smile pulling at his lips.

"It's not your fault. I'm the one who should be apologising."

"No, I shouldn't have..."

Castiel turns in his seat so that he can face Dean. "You're not useless, Dean. Okay. I don't know how on earth you could possibly think that because it's not true." Dean clenches his jaw and flicks his eyes away. "Hey, look at me," Castiel says, voice soft and hands softer as the cradle Dean's jaw. "You do so much for me. Things that you don't even realise. Other things that you look over and think aren't a big deal but they are. Like making fucking dinner all the time. That's not useless." Dean huffs, but his eyes don't stray from the floor. "And the most important thing is that you make me happy. Even when I'm down you find a way to make me feel better. So, you're not useless, okay? And if you are, then I don't know what the fuck I am 'cause I do practically nothing compared to you."

Dean scoffs. "Nothing? You do fucking everything for me." 

"Okay, sure but -"

"I'm serious, Cas," Dean interrupts. "I'm a - a fucking hassle. I'm always asking things of you and needing you and you're always there ready to take care of me -"

"And you're aren't _?_ " Castiel says, cutting him off. Finally, Dean looks at him. "Please listen to me. You're not a hassle. You're not a - burden. You take care of me _so_ much." Dean sighs. "You do. And this isn't your fault, okay? I'm the one who yelled at you. I'm the one who should apologise. You're not always the bad guy, Dean." Dean's shoulders slump. "I'm sorry. I hate making you upset." 

"I hate making _you_ upset," Dean says, and Castiel shoots him a weak smile before pulling Dean towards him to rest his head on Dean's chest. So, they're both insecure about the same thing. About not being or doing enough for the other. Castiel huffs. At least it's out now. Now they can work on it together. Dean squeezes him tight before pulling away. 

He bites his lips, looking down. "I still want to do, you know, _more_ to take care of you though," Dean mumbles. Castiel offers a soft smile. 

"Then I'll let you."

 + Seventy-Five Days

"Have you got any plans for summer?" Castiel asks, looking over to Dean who sits next to him on the couch. They haven't spoken about it before but Castiel thinks it's about time. It is already a third of the way through May after all. Dean looks up from his phone, eyebrows pinched together. "Like plans to go to Kansas or something like that?"

Dean shakes his head. "No. I haven't really thought about it to be honest." Castiel nods his head, looking pointedly towards where his feet are propped up on the coffee table. He feels his chest clench a little with anxiety. Why is he anxious about asking Dean a stupid question? _Because what if he says no._

"Would you maybe want to, I don't know, go somewhere together?" When he finally looks up, Dean's lips are quirked up in the beginnings of a smile.

"Yeah. Yeah, I would like that." Castiel bites down his smile. "Where would you wanna go?" Dean asks, and Castiel shrugs.

"Maybe the beach or something," Castiel says, as though he hasn't already thought about exactly where he'd want to go with Dean. Dean smiles wider. 

"The beach." He nods. There's a fluttering in Castiel's chest. "I can get behind that." 

It takes Castiel a little longer to fall asleep than usual. But this time it's not because he's feeling like shit or something is worrying him. It's because he can't stop thinking about what summer might hold for them.

+ Eight-One Days

Dean goes out with his friends for the first time in a little while. It's a bit out of the blue, for sure, but Castiel doesn't mind. He stays in his dorm and studies - finally no more distractions in the form of a beautiful, irresistible human. He gets quite a lot done and just as he feels himself dozing off at his desk, the sound of a key in the door makes him sit up. He pushes his glasses up from where they'd fallen only to have Dean kiss him fiercely and skew them to the side.

"How was your night?" Castiel asks, and Dean smiles back, looking pretty damn happy with himself.

"It was pretty good. And yours?"

"Got a lot done, so good." Dean looks a little happier than he usually does when he comes back from a night with friends. But Dean leans down and kisses him breathless again and well, he can't complain about that.

+ Ninety Days 

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Where are you? I thought you were supposed to be picking me up.** _

Castiel sits patiently in the kitchen tapping his fingers restlessly against the counter. Dean was supposed to pick him up at half past seven but it's already quarter to eight. They're going to the movies with Anna and Gabe before going out to get some dinner. Castiel's excited for it. They haven't been out in a while. 

**_Dean ♥_ **

_**I'm gonna be running late. Anna and Gabe said they could pick you up.** _

****Castiel quirks an eyebrow. Dean doesn't usually run this late from work.

_**Castiel Novak** _

_**Are you sure you don't want us to wait?** _  

**_Dean ♥_  **

_**No, it's okay. I'll catch up xx** _

Suit yourself, Castiel thinks.

_**Castiel Novak.** _

_**Okay, see you there xx** _

Not five minutes later, there's a knock at the door and he opens it to find his two best friends. 

"Ready to go?" Gabe asks.

"Dean said he's running a bit late so he'll catch us there."

"Typical, typical, typical," Gabe says, and Anna laughs. Castiel shakes his head and starts following them down to Anna's car.

The heat of summer is coming later than usual so he has on a pair of jeans and a shirt and carries a light weight jacket just in case. It is late after all and the cinema usually is a little cold. Castiel's not really paying much attention to his surroundings until they pull onto the college campus.

"Uh, where are we going?" Castiel asks, looking into the front seat. 

"Oh, we just have to go get something first," Anna says, and Castiel's eyebrows furrow but he doesn't question it. He does, however, when they pull into the car park outside the football stadium. There's only a few cars here and there - one of them Dean's Impala. There's no one in sight but the lights in the stadium are on so that's where they must be. Is Dean thinking about playing football again? Or is he watching his friends train? "C'mon, we have to get something." Anna and Gabe start getting out of the car and motion for Castiel to follow.

"I thought Dean was at work," Castiel says, following them toward the entrance tunnel. 

"He came here after," Gabe says, not really giving him any answers at all.

"Are we here to pick him up? What's he doing here anyway?" Castiel asks, but Anna just shrugs.

"I don't know but he asked us to come get him." Castiel narrows his eyes.

"Uh - okay."

They enter the stadium and aren't walking for long when Castiel sees Dean, looking dressed and ready to go, surrounded by a few of his friends - Benny, Michael, Victor and one other that he recognises but doesn't remember the name of. Dean seems to notice him a moment later.

"Hey, Cas. You're here," he says, a big grin on his face but he looks slightly...nervous under the surface. Castiel opens his mouth to respond but Benny cuts him off.

"Well, we're gonna split," he says, before turning an eye on Castiel. "You have fun." Castiel nods uncertainly. The rest follow after Benny, Victor with a grin of his own and Michael clapping him on the back. Castiel turns to watch them leave before facing Dean again.

"Is someone going to tell me what's going on?" Castiel asks, and Dean grins again. 

"Your boyfriend here decided to ditch us two because he wanted some time alone with you," Gabe chimes in. If anything, Castiel is more confused. Anna shoves Gabe in the shoulder.

"That's not exactly what happened but anyway. I think we should get going too." She leans forward and squeezes him gently. "Have fun you two," and then she's pulling Gabe by the arm back along the way they came.

Castiel narrows his eyes at Dean. "Why are we in a football stadium?"

Dean bites his bottom lip and takes Castiel's hand in his own. "Well, I wanted to do something nice for you. So, I thought I'd surprise you." Castiel feels his heart start to beat a little faster. Castiel opens his mouth but it's left gaping. "C'mon," Dean says, tugging him towards an exit - the tunnel the players run out of, Castiel notices. 

They're halfway out when Castiel sees it. He comes to a stop to stare. The football field is lit up and right in the centre is a picnic blanket laid out with a basket and cooler on the side. He even spots a little football sitting there too. Castiel swallows down his emotions. He turns to Dean, who looks more nervous than he has in a while, and throws himself at him, wrapping his arms tightly around Dean's waist.

Dean laughs and kisses his head, nuzzling his nose in Castiel's hair. Suddenly he leans back and punches Dean in the arm. "Hey!" Dean protests, but his smile is still there.

"You always have to one up me, don't you?" Castiel says, referencing the night a few weeks ago when Castiel had gotten home early, cooked dinner and dessert and set everything up in what seemed romantic to Castiel and surprised Dean. It was a perfect night and Dean had made love to him on the couch as the Return of the Jedi played in the background. Castiel had to turn it off when Dean started whispering the lines against his skin in his established impressions of the characters. It certainly wasn't the most arousing thing ever. Quite the opposite, actually. Dean had only laughed.

Now Dean raises his hands in surrender. "Hey, I had this planned for a while, okay? Because, you know, it's been three months since we decided to start over." Castiel's mouth parts. He hadn't even been thinking about it. Now it feels even more special. It's kind of like their three month anniversary. Castiel smiles. Yeah, he likes that. "And you surprised me and it was pretty fucking great and so now it's my turn to surprise you." 

Castiel shakes his head and looks back out to the field. "You're forgiven."

"Well, thank God for that. Now let's get out there before the food goes cold," Dean says, grabbing his hand and tugging him along.

"Wait, food?"

"Hell, yeah. What kind of picnic doesn't have food?" 

Castiel almost starts salivating when they reach the blanket and Dean pulls two wrapped up burgers from his favourite burger joint in town. "Good, right?" Dean says, wiggling his eyebrows. They sit down, side by side and decide to eat before they go cold.

"So, how long have you been planning this? And how exactly did you get...this?" Castiel asks, gesturing his hands towards the entire stadium.

"Well," Dean starts, swallowing down a bite of food. "You know those nights out with my friends." Castiel raises his eyebrows. "Yep. That's what we were doing. Even Gabe and Anna came along once and I asked if they could help making a cover story and bring you here." Castiel nods. Makes sense now. "And I did used to play football, if you forgot about that little fact." Castiel rolls his eyes. "And after a lot of convincing arguments I was able to get this all to myself for a little while." Castiel shoots him an impressed look. "Although I'll probably never be able to do this again but hey, it's worth it."

Castiel huffs a laugh, all the while thinking, _yeah, it is_.

"Do you want dessert now or later?" Dean asks, when they've finished their burgers. Castiel's eyes go wide.

"Dessert?"

"Uh huh. You know that fancy restaurant we went to that one time?" Dean asks, and Castiel smiles.

"Obviously." It was one of the happiest nights of his life. 

"Good. Because you know what I got?" Dean reaches around Castiel on the blanket and opens the cooler. Castiel laughs, shaking his head. There's a takeaway container with the same chocolate mousse they shared that night. There's no denying it now. Dean is the most romantic person Castiel has ever met. 

"How did you get all this?" Castiel asks, taking the spoon Dean offers him. Dean smiles, shuffling closer to Castiel and crossing his legs. Castiel does the same, their knees nudging together.

"I got the guys to go pick up the food while I was setting up with Victor."

Castiel smiles when Dean brings the now open container up between them to share. He is pretty damn impressed. And the way he hums around his first spoonful of mousse has Dean's eyes bright and smile wide. He thinks Dean knows already how impressed he is.

They share it together, humming and smiling, laughing when their spoons get in the way of each other, both eager to take another bite. Castiel licks his lips and the spoon when he's done, handing it to Dean who puts it away. "Thumbs up?" Dean asks.

Castiel nods. "Definitely."

Dean smiles. They still sit knee to knee, cross legged. "You got a little something..." Dean starts, pointing towards Castiel's upper lip but before he can do anything about it Dean surges forward capturing his lips with his own. Castiel makes a muffled sound that crosses between a huff and a laugh. Dean places a hand on his chest and pushes him backwards. Castiel lies back on the blanket and Dean leans over him, elbows caging him in. 

"Did you get it?" Castiel asks, biting his lip to suppress his smile, although he's certain he's not succeeding. 

"I think might have missed it actually..." Dean says, and Castiel does laugh this time when he leans down for another kiss. Dean grins when he pulls away and Castiel shoves at his shoulder, Dean rolling off of him and onto his back beside Castiel. 

Dean sighs and Castiel turns his head to the side to see he's already looking at him. "It's been a good week, hasn't it?" Dean asks, and Castiel nods his head as best he can lying down.

"Yeah, it has. And only six more." Two more until the start of summer vacation. Six more until Dean and Castiel pack their bags and drive to the beach for two weeks. They ended up planning to stay longer than they thought they would. Or longer than they thought they could afford. But they found a good place in a little town on the coast. Cheap but it had everything they needed. And with Castiel having a job now, they've saved up a lot more money then they thought they would have. The place is just across the street from the beach. Castiel has never been more excited for anything in his life. He's not sure if Dean has either.

Two weeks. Just Dean and himself. 

And then they'll be back to spend the last six weeks here until the semester starts. But Castiel's not worried about that. Two weeks is a long time in paradise. And then who knows what they'll do for Christmas.

"Six more," Dean breathes out. "I can wait." 

"Me too." Castiel reaches out for Dean's hand and Dean holds it tight. 

The night is cool. Not too humid. Dean and Castiel chat for a while and other times they lie there, eyes closed or looking into each other's. At one point Dean gets a text from Sam and Castiel hopes it won't ruin the mood. But Dean just chuckles. "He's wishing me good luck for tonight. I think he got the timing just a little bit off."

"He knew about this?"

"Yeah, I told him about it first. Let him know the plan and all." Castiel nods and he's not sure if he should ask - _he_ doesn't want to be the one to ruin the mood and all - but he hasn't heard in a while.

"And how's everything...in Kansas?" Castiel says, and Dean's eyes flash with understanding. 

"Everything's going alright, apparently. At least, so far." Dean looks over to Castiel. "What about you? You thought about when you wanna go get your stuff?" Dean asks, talking about how Castiel still needs to go back to his family's house to get the rest of his stuff from his room. 

"Maybe sometime after exams. First week of holidays or something. I might get a bus down."

"Cas, I'm coming, okay. I'm not gonna let you catch a bus down and then let you hike all your stuff back on the bus. I'm driving."

"But what about -"

"I don't care. It really doesn't bother me. I wanna be there for you, okay?" Dean squeezes his hand. "We can leave in the morning, stop for lunch and be back by the evening. Remember what you always say. Whether it's your family, my father or fucking Alastair, if he ever comes around again, we can get through this together."

Castiel nods, feeling overwhelmingly grateful. "Okay." 

"Okay," Dean replies, letting out a deep breath. Castiel's about to turn away when Dean sits up. "Hey, I have something for you."

"You have something else for me?" Castiel responds, pushing himself up into a sitting position. 

"No, it's nothing big, I promise," Dean says, digging into the basket and finally pulling whatever it is out. Castiel smiles. It's a key. "This is really long overdue but I thought it was perfect timing so." Dean holds it out and Castiel reaches over, taking it from his hand. "I thought about getting it a while ago but I kept forgetting and finally I got it done a few weeks ago and thought I'd just save it for tonight," Dean's rambling now, rubbing the back of his neck. "Now you don't have to rely on the spare to get into...you know, our apartment." 

Castiel looks up at that and his chest feels light. "Thank you, Dean."

"Yeah, no problem," he responds quickly, and his cheeks seem redder now. Why's he so embarrassed? Castiel rolls it over in his hand. Dean clears his throat and Castiel looks back up. "I was also thinking - uh - if you want to, that is, um, that could move into the apartment...with me." Castiel's heart pounds in his chest. "You know, permanently. If you want. Uh - no pressure or anything. I was just thought since you spend so much time there that you could move out of your dorm and then we'd have extra money and wouldn't have to worry about going back and forth and -"

Castiel cuts him off with a kiss. A hard, fierce kiss that has Dean's hands reaching behind him to stop him from falling backwards. Castiel kisses him and kisses him, his arms wrapped tightly around Dean's neck as if he's not ever going to let go. Dean makes a satisfied sound and Castiel smiles against his lips. Dean's arms curl around his waist and he's practically sitting in Dean's lap by the time they pull away. Castiel can do nothing but smile.

"That was a yes, right?" Dean asks, and he still sounds unsure. Castiel huffs.

"Of course. I'd love to." Castiel would be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it himself but he didn't want to say anything because it's Dean's apartment he would be moving into after all - not the other way around. He'd just been hoping that Dean would ask him sooner or later.

Dean slumps, a breath of relief falling from his lips. 

Castiel leans back. "What? You thought I was gonna say no?"

"Well, I don't know. Maybe." Castiel shakes his head.

"You think I like falling asleep alone on those nights in my dorm?"

Dean huffs, rubbing the back of his neck. "No, but - I don't know - maybe you wanted to stay on your dorm for one reason or another."

Castiel's lips quirk up into a small smile. "Well, it's over now and I said yes. So, you've got nothing to worry about." Castiel takes Dean's hands in his own and intertwines their fingers together.

"Thank you," Dean says, and Castiel furrows his eyebrows. "For everything." Shouldn't he be the one thanking Dean? But Dean's tone is sincere and Castiel knows that Dean's not just thanking him for accepting his request.

"Well, thank _you_ for tonight," Castiel responds, and Dean's hands rub soothingly up and down his back. "And for everything else." 

Sometimes he looks back - all the way back to high school - to the first time he saw Dean and he thinks of how different they were. He thinks back to that first night at _that_ party. He remembers all of Dean's anger. He remembers Dean's arrogance. Now, Dean's hands tremble if someone knocks too loudly on the door or if someone yells at him one too many times. Now, some mornings he wakes up and just cries into Castiel's shoulders. Castiel's sure there are other times when he cries alone and doesn't tell him. Castiel knows this because he still does it too sometimes. Whether it's because of his family - whom he still can't seem to let go of - or if it's just because he's had a bad day. 

Sometimes he looks back and thinks about how miserable he was. How miserable Dean was. They both hid it well. Castiel was always good at it. Dean was too. And while there are those moments of sadness, of anger and exhaustion - for the rest of the time, they're happy. Truly happy. Castiel never knew a happiness like this. He hopes Dean feels the same way. 

"Hey, what're you thinking about?"

Castiel blinks and looks at Dean to see him with a goofy smile on his face. Castiel finds that he's already smiling. He shakes his head. "Nothing much."

Dean raises his eyebrows and leans forward, a hand reaching up to caress Castiel's cheeks. "Nothing, huh?" 

Castiel grins. "Uh huh." Dean kisses him, quick and gentle. He doesn't pull his face away, instead, resting their foreheads together. "I love you, nerd," he says, effortlessly.

Castiel brushes his nose against Dean's. "I love you too, asshole."

Dean smiles. "So, was tonight perfect or what?" Dean asks, and Castiel huffs, leaning back and away from Dean.

"Actually, I did have one question?"

Dean narrows his eyes. "And what is that?"

"Why is there a random football sitting there?" Castiel asks, twisting around to point at where it sits beside the cooler. Dean huffs a laugh.

"Oh, yeah, Victor thought it suited the - uh - scene," Dean responds, gesturing to their surroundings. Castiel hums and then crawls over towards it on his hands and knees. He picks it up and holds it in his hand. 

"Doesn't seem too hard," he says, and Dean scoffs.

"Oh, really?" Castiel shoots him a smug look and shrugs. Dean pushes himself off the ground. "Okay, then. Why don't you throw one to me then?"

"Fine." Castiel hops up and walks - not too far - away from Dean and turns to face him. It probably isn't the greatest idea.

"C'mon," Dean calls. "Show me what you got, tough guy." Castiel's attempt is, well, not that great. He throws it and it gets there but maybe not in the most picturesque way possible. 

"Big talk, huh?" Dean grins, holding the ball in one hand.

Castiel crosses his arms over his chest. "That was my first try since I was like...I don't know, twelve or something."

Dean laughs. "What about catching? Are you good at that?" Castiel doesn't have time to respond as Dean throws the ball in a perfect spiral towards him and maybe a little too fast for Castiel's liking. He catches it with an 'oomph', stumbling a few steps backwards.

"Show off," Castiel says, cradling the ball in his arm. Dean's already walking towards him.

"What about tackling? Can you handle a hit?" Dean asks, before breaking into a run. Castiel's eyes go wide.

"Dean!" he yelps, bracing himself as Dean gets closer - only to be picked up and thrown over Dean's shoulder. "What are you doing?" Castiel holds the ball tight with one hand and grabs onto Dean's shirt with the other. Dean starts walking towards the end of the field. Castiel laughs. "Dean!"

"C'mon, Cas. You have to get the whole experience," he says, and Castiel kicks his legs in a weak attempt to get Dean to put him down. He always likes it when Dean holds him anyway. Then Dean starts, his voice deeper now, "And this ladies and gentleman is a spectacle that we have never seen before. Winchester is carrying his teammate Novak all the way towards the end of the field." Castiel huffs, gripping Dean's shirt tightly.

"Has anybody ever told you that you're actually the nerd in this relationship?" Castiel says, and Dean chuckles, still walking along. 

"Pfft, don't be absurd," Dean responds, before lowing his voice again. "He palms off one, two and it's a _touchdown!"_ Only then does Castiel crane his neck to see that they're at the end of the field already. He grabs the ball from where it's wedged under his arm and with a shake of his head, he throws the ball into the ground, watching it bounce away in the other direction.

Dean laughs, shaking his own head and finally lets Castiel down. "You are so cute," Dean says, a dopey grin on his face. Castiel blushes, ducking his head. "Even more so when you blush."

"Shut up," Castiel responds, leaning up slightly to place a kiss on Dean's lips. Dean hums into it and Castiel sighs. He steps back to take a deep breath, looking out back towards where everything is set up in the middle. 

"So, you never answered my question?" Castiel turns towards Dean, raising an eyebrow. "Is it good? Tonight?" Dean asks, and Castiel can see the tiniest hint of red on the tips of his ears.

Dean's beautiful in the stadium's lights. The corners of his lips are quirked up but the smile is truly in his eyes. 

Castiel's own eyes shine as he smiles. "It's perfect."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION: I have made a post on Tumblr for this fanfiction that you can reblog. [HERE](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/post/168389400181/your-enemies-closer-written-by-angvlicmish) it is!
> 
> Wow. This was supposed to be a short smutty fic. And then, as cheesy as it sounds, I guess I just fell in love with this story and this Dean and Castiel and had to go on for another 100k words XD. I feel emotional finishing it. This story took my nearly an entire year to write. And I'm thankful for every single one of you who supported me and this fic and those who will support it in the future. I truly love you all.
> 
> I want to say a special thank you to my special supporters: Jennifer N, Sarah, Ayoriver, Alexandra, Moonweaver, Marriane & Jennifer M. Thank you all for helping me slog out the last few chapters! I love you all so much <3
> 
> Please let me know what you thought in the comments below or come and let me know on my tumblr! 
> 
> So, what's next? Well, the next fic I will be writing is going to be a very long (who's surprised haha) medieval/fantasy fic! I've already started writing it and I hope to start posting it here at the start of next year. I will be attempting to write a lot of it before I start posting here. I will also be continuing with posting small ficlets on here (angvlicmish not dreamwriting) as usual. 
> 
> If you want to find out more about my medieval/fantasy fic - the synopsis, how you can support and ways to see snippets and chapters before I post on here, check out [THIS](http://angvlicmish.tumblr.com/post/168389415996/my-destiel-next-fic-alright-so-now-that-ive) post on my Tumblr!
> 
> I don't think this post can really sum up how I feel about this fic or you guys supporting me. I'm gonna miss this Dean and Castiel so much - I really never thought I would feel this emotional but here I am. They truly mean so much to me and I love them dearly. And to you all, I love you with all my heart and I hope you'll follow me into our next adventure!


End file.
